i.

eyes on fire ,
i lit a match and
watched you burn

i don’t know how long i stayed
sitting down
.

ii.

when angels were still alive ,
did they look at
the clouds ,?

do they remember how they
died
?

iii.

my skin peels in the green grass —
composted , the
fence rots and the sun
shines gold ,

this is what they call
"giving back."

iv.

blue tears leak
like petals down your cheeks .
.

everyone cries with you.
//

anger burns so deep within me ,
i dont know where
it stops .
               .
                .

god told me there was a mistake
when creating
you

(and he whispers when he lies)

so
look me in the eyes next time --

tell me it's not painful .
.

exposed and vulnerable
i
don’t have healing hands ,

i force delicacy
from fingertips meant to break ,
and
have tried to heal things
i should’ve shot .
                              .
you always felt a bit cold to me
                                     scarred ,

so
i pray to god
that
you never try to tell him
what i’ve tried to
do //

i put the baby in it’s cradle ,
and watch it as
it sleeps ,

you sit and watch tv in the room
two over
and think i love you back .

outside, the
sky fogs blue and the streetlights
shine bright orange —

you never went without a home.

it shows.
.
.

i might as well just devour you ,
now that you’ve
                           shredded my stomach
and laughed .
                        .

i never would’ve guessed
that
you
would take
a knife to my heart ,
and then rev up an engine —

a chain.

but
im sick of looking at your face ,
sick of
thinking of you ,

                           and
                                  sick of smiling
from my grave.
.

i guess we can say
you stole that from me too .

but
you are proof ,
that
even demons need to eat —

and this one
is very ,
             very
hungry.

i tried to die for you —
give my little body up for you :
and for
those
          that i
                   loved

but maybe i didnt love anybody ,
and maybe
                    that’s why i stayed.

they say that pain is always temporary
but i don’t feel
temporary —

and
they say
that you can always
                           heal,

but instead, i guess

i
hurt the ones i loved the most
and then
realized there were people
watching .
.

i would’ve died for you ,
                                         you know ?
hung my body up like a curtain -
a poison crown of thorns .
.

but
maybe god wanted you  
                                         instead.

when i was little ,
dad handed me a shovel and
he handed me
a dress.

he taught me how to dress myself
and then how to garden ,

to dig each hole
in soft
           flesh and soil.  

ive grown up since,
gotten taller,
and can hold
the shovel by myself ,

so
i dig graves now instead .

ive saved one for dad ,
                               and ive saved one for me.

six feet deep ,
                        it’s a bed with no blankets
and it’s
perfect ,
and
it’s mine —

and
i want to be buried in a dress
i can button
                     all
                         by myself ,

because
dad also handed me a shotgun.

im there when you want to
rip out your
hair and scream ,

knees on the floor, your face is
in my hands  .
                          .

there seems to be glass everywhere
you look
and
you're crying ,

you can see it.

i dont know who told you i was dangerous --
but

i can only be so kind .

i was holding the rifle
the way i was holding your hands ,

and they were still hot —  

so hot that
now
we are calloused ,
-
love beat me
and then i beat you —

our
hands were burned together .
.
but you smiled ,
                           and
i was the one who cried
                                         instead.

one day, someone will kiss
my scars .

someone should kiss yours, too.

the recoil will always sting ,
and i will always
bruise.
.

i want to be loved so bad--

but when does the
future become the present,

and
when will the
crying stop becoming
choking —

how will i forgive you
for wounds
you
did
not
open?

forgive me,
i cannot love you
the way you love
me.

i long to be whole again
.