i wonder if you ever drank
because you missed me

i know we are not close
we are pretty far apart
but that doesn't mean we can't fall in love
i know you already told me your answer
and i understand completely
but if you are so sincere about wishing you were here
then could you maybe just take a chance on me?

i can't seem to sleep
your touch lingers on my thoughts
you're always on my mind
collecting all the dust
cleaning out all the bad stuff
it's moving day for us
we've been turning this into something good
if that's really the truth, why am i up so long -
my eyelids like weights
my body like quicksand,
stuck in this place called "you" -
thinking about us and how it could all be so wrong
"never date your ex"
isn't that what they say?
i always tell myself that so why can't i stay away?
i'm stuck in this tidal wave
you're pulling me in
pulling me in
i'm afraid i might be pulled under again, you see
i do not want to drown again
not again
not because of you
honey, if you're going to stay, please just stay for good
why tear down my walls again like you're just chopping up wood
with an ax
right where it hurts the most
and the scary thing is, if you left, it probably wouldn't hurt
it's just a battle on repeat
the same wound again, i'm numb
you can't hurt me anymore
so if you're going to hurt me, just do it
that way, i wouldn't have to peek around every corner
wondering if it's the end of us

i wish i had something to write about
some trauma i experienced
or some injury i endured
or some great adventure
but no
i'm just plain me
no interesting stories inside of me
i'm no library

i'm just sitting back
pretending you don't exist
but i'm listening to every word you say
why are you such an ******* to everyone?
and why did i ever love you in the first place?
why did i think we would ever last?
i hope you know
i'm much happier now
i don't care about you anymore
i hope one day you get what you deserve
and i hope one day you see what you lost

you had to go
and you looked so sad
it broke my heart
tears formed in my eyes
because you told me
your life is ****** there
and i just want to
pick you up off the ground
kiss all your broken pieces
and heal them with my love
i want to make you happy
i want to give you
the best life i can possibly give you
i want to start our life together
and it will be so amazing
i know the distance *****
but it will be so worth it in the end
and i want you to always remember
i'm with you
no matter where you are
i'm right there with you
i want to hold your hand through all this
and help you through it
i want to love all of you
i want you
i need you
i love you so ******* much
never forget that

i don't usually wear socks just while i'm at home
but if i do
treat me with care
because it means i'm really hurting
what i mean is
i don't self-harm in places you would guess
it would be too noticeable
people check your arms
your thighs
your stomach
but who would guess to check your ankles?
exactly
i don't usually wear socks
but when i do
it means i'm really hurting
it means i'm hiding something from you
and perhaps i'm hiding something right now
why else would i be writing a poem about this?

I have wanted to show you my poetry ever since the day you asked me what I like to do in my free time
I told you I write poems and songs
And I want to show you what I feel inside
The things that hurt me
The things that make me cry
The things that make me happy
I have never been good at opening up
I'm not good at talking
Ask me what's wrong and I freeze
But ask me to write a poem about it
And you will see all the things that are breaking me
I do not know if I want to open up to you yet
You still have the ability to leave
I guess you always do
But it will hurt much more than if you didn't know me
I'm still trying to decide
I want you to know me but I'm scared

i've always wanted that kind of love
where they stare at you laughing
because they love seeing you happy
the kind where they make you smile
to the point where you can't stop
the kind where they tell you
that you are beautiful
because you are to them
even if you don't see it yourself
the kind where they want to share every piece of them
so they write you poetry and create art about you
to prove how much they are in love with your everything
the kind where they love everything about you
and they tell you that all the time
just to remind you
the kind where they tell you they are thinking of you
just to let you know
they give you pieces of the future they want
and it fills your chest with longing
for that life
and i want it, baby
i want all of you
every single thing that makes you who you are
i want everything
the good and the bad side of you
the fighting, the arguing, the making up after
little kids and a house where we live forever
waking up beside you and falling asleep in your arms
walks in the park, going out on dates, and you singing songs
everything, baby, i want everything
i've never felt this feeling
i want you
i need you
and there are people who will be against us
and people who will try to tear us apart
and i've told people so many times
that i would wait for their hand to hold
but never kept those promises
i'm not proud, baby. i'm not proud.
but that was before i knew what love was
and now i know that i love you
and i promise with all my heart
that i will wait and be patient for you
i do not want anyone else
i want you. only you. my one and only.
and if i get into a lot of trouble loving you
then i will smile all the way through
and i will never let go
because you are so worth it, baby
you are worth everything
and for you, i would give up my soul
i would die to save you
i would give up my life to make you happy
i would do anything for you
i hope you understand
that if we are torn apart by people who don't like us
that i will wait for you
and think of you
and never love anyone else again
and one day, i will find you
but we don't need to worry about that
until it happens and it won't
i love you with all my heart, with everything in me
and i think we're meant to be
i will not back down without a fight
and i will fight until my last breath
because i love you
and there's still so much more i want to say

what the hell did i ever do?
what is so wrong with me?
i think all my pain started because of you
i'm so happy without you
i'm so happy when i'm not plagued with your words
you told me you thought i was doing drugs
oh, is that what it is now?
is that what you think of me?
that i'm a failure?
that i will amount to nothing?
that i will do anything to disappoint you?
mom, what did i do?
i didn't do anything wrong
all i did was exist
all i did was be myself
am i really that messed up?
you told me once
i remember
you told me you didn't like who i was
that you only loved me because i'm your daughter
what the hell, mom?
seriously?
i can't wait until i'm out of here
all i know is
as soon as i turn 18
i'm moving out
i don't care if i'm living out on the streets
that will be better
than to live there any longer than i have to
i guess i'll always just be nothing to you