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Kay P Apr 2018
I don’t like you.

You’d think that wouldn’t be such a big deal, but honestly?
I’m not that type of person. I won’t pretend that I’ve never
Disliked someone before. I dislike plenty of things, and people
Tend to be on the list, when they’re tiresome. And you, man
You are tiresome to the next degree.
Like a project worked on all semester only to be told that it’s been cancelled
Tiresome like a conservative christian in a debate about homosexuality
Tiresome like a gun toting person demanding their right to hold weapons
While also taking away the right to speak out against them
Tiresome like all lives matter. Tiresome like our president.
Tiresome like another person killed because they look like me.
Tiresome like writing a poem about you instead of about any of that.

I don’t like you.

The funny thing is, you don’t think you’ve done anything wrong.
And I mean, that’s not your fault. When it comes to communication, hey
I haven’t been forthcoming. I’m not forthcoming when it comes to that, and you know?
I’ve been working on it, sort of. It’s comes in starts and stops
But **** when you’re recovering and meet a person like you,
Honey boo, listen, it’s a lot to deal with
I have my own **** going on, I have my own problems
And you know? I’m only asking for some authenticity

I don’t like you.

You don’t have to put your whole life out there, but if you say you’re jaded
And you say that you want to keep it to yourself, and I respect that
But then you go and blurt it all out anyway?
Jaded? Honey that’s not jaded. Jaded is holding yourself back from everyone you know
Jaded is not telling your mother, not telling your best friend,
not telling people who’ve known and understood you for years,
Jaded is trying to tell people and not being able to, your words
Caught.
Frozen in a throat that wants nothing but to be understood.
Jaded is opening up a little bit to only to find firm and instant regret
Jaded is arguing with yourself over every. single. word.
Honey, you’re not jaded
If anything you’re glassed.

I don’t like you.

I don’t mean to discount your trauma, your hurt, no, not at all
Your pain and emotions are valid, just like mine, and hers, and ours,
But god, god you don’t make it easy do you?
Trauma is not a one way ticket into the cool kids club, alright?
We didn’t want to be this way, we don’t flaunt it
I don’t want your meager tumblr-style fourteen year old
edgy emotions with your Three Days Grace hat and your Slipknot hoodie
And your “no one understands me”

I don’t like you

And come on, man! I even like those bands! I still listen to them!
Three Days Grace and Slipknot and everything from that phase is still strong
It still has weight, words have power, but you, you you you
You have the power to take even the most amazing thing, the most powerful
The most pleasing and peaceful and transform them into something
Troublesome. And tiring. And overdone. That’s you
And I’m sorry, I am, I’m sorry that I’m reacting like this
I swear that since highschool I’ve been better at snap judgements
But I took a chance on you and you shat on it, man
You ******* took my chance and tossed it in the garbage compactor
With your low budget, discount, B Movie Teenage Angst
That still has the audacity to be hurt by the Oscars “not noticing you”

I don’t like you.

And this isn’t an attention thing, okay?
I am a huge advocate for seeing people doing things for attention, and giving them that
Because that’s a cry for help, that makes sense
Looking for understanding, that makes sense
But god, to do it and then shun those who try to relate
To do it and then look down your nose
To do it and then turn your back
To do it and then flick your hair and say “you guys wouldn’t understand.”

I don’t like you.

And the thing is, when I have problems?
When I don’t like things, when I get uncomfortable
I fix them, I make progress, I take steps
But with you? Sweetie no,
I don’t want to try with you,
I don’t want to fix this with you
I don’t want to deal with you

I don’t like you.
October 11th, 2017
Kay P Mar 2014
I feel in love with a girl, once.

She was shy and sweet and liked to keep to herself.
She only spoke when spoken to, and it was always much too quiet
to hear properly
or above everyone else.
Instead of asking her to speak up
I learned to listen.

I fell in love with a girl, once.

She had brown hair and the sort of eyes
poets dream of
I'm no Romeo but Paris better keep to himself
For starlight shifted in those orbs of blue-grey-green
and whole galaxies exploded into being
in my chest
expanding and multiplying
with the power of the universe.

I fell in love with a girl, once.

Her gaze dipped from mine whenever I complimented her
but she gave the sweetest smile
when she thought I wasn't looking
(and I was always looking)
and my mind refused to stop its hellbent pace
as it named our children and decided
she'd have the perfect wedding
she'd be a teacher
(it was her dream)
and I'd be an author
(a dream of my own)
that I'd rock her to sleep
(she has problems dreaming)
and play with her fingers
(so small in my own)
and buy her a constellation
(she loves stars more than she loves life)

I fell in love with a girl, once.

Knowledge flew from her lips as easily as prose from my pen
Facts she deigned to know
littered my mind in her voice
and I strived to remember it all
I did not always have any particular passion for the subject
but her voice was all I needed to become
the most adept student
in existence.

I fell in love with a girl, once.

My iPod filled itself
with music she'd hum under her breath
and I found her in the moments between thought
the pauses between songs
the spaces between stars.
She seeped through my life
leaving stardust on all she touched
She glowed in my mind
as the full moon on a clear night
controlled my emotions
as the moon does the tides
unintentional as gravity.

I fell in love with a girl, once.

Death slipped through her lips
and walked beside her as a constant companion
Her fingers were stained with acts of self-violence
her pale skin bruised and battered
her smiles quickly becoming
the most beautiful endangered species
She was my happiness
but I was no good for her
only another
on the long list
of unworthy.

I fell in love with a girl, once.

I couldn't tell her sister or her mother
her father, or mine.
I could never let the words slip from my own lips
grace her ears with harsh emotion
though she deserved every word
though  they were the truth in every sense
I could only tell our friends
and they knew all along.

I fell in love with a girl, once.

Her hands were small, compared to mine
Her body was petite.
She was soft where I was sharp
smooth curves where I was harsh angles
She was by far more polite and feminine
neater and far more oriented
Whilst I was dirt and mudpies
piles of belongings and wipe-your-nose-with-your-sleeve
She was the good, of the two of us
but ask her and she'll say
the same of me.

I fell in love with a girl, once.

Slipped, more like
slid without noticing
descended at a pace most distressing
in hindsight
and ended up in far deeper in water
than could have been anticipated
(and I can barely swim)

I fell in love with a girl, once.

And still, I sink.
Spoken Word Poem, kinda
Kay P Jul 2014
I don't remember the last time I was angry

Somewhere between the
screaming younger cousins
and "respectable" elders
My anger drifted deep within
a cavern I know not where

Sometimes I am swarmed
with the realization
of how powerful I would be
Secrets kept and held for years
Flung expertly like daggers
at friendships sure as stone.

But even stone gives way
to rivers of mountain frost
Easily buried and worn
by time and earth and circumstance.

And even friendships forged in fire
turn brittle and break
when met with shoulders
cold as liquid nitrogen.
July 12th, 2014
Kay P Jul 2014
My palms sweat when I think of writing you a poem

Writing has been the only way
I could communicate with others
you see,
when it comes to my emotions
my mouth might as well be duct-taped
and in fact the only way I can write this now
is because I can tell myself you'll never see it

I'm confused.

Circumstances half under my control
has resulted in making me
the co-creator of my own kryptonite
see, what happened was partially my fault
and I can't escape the guilt that I made trying to escape it in the first place
see sometimes trying your hardest not to lead someone on
leads them on anyway
and I don't want to do that to you
I don't want to do that to anyone

See this poem doesn't even rhyme.

Not a lot of mine do, though,
And see listening to Drake tends to make me honest
and listening to Nicki Minaj makes me brave
and the combination of that with Angel Haze
is a cocktail that might just get me drunk enough
to lay my head on your shoulder again

I think I'm falling in love with you

But you should know my personality
means that I'm doing it kicking and screaming
searching my damnedest for an escape route
because being vulnerable hurts me every time
even the ones that promised they wouldn't
and I do it to myself, but
I trust you
And honestly that scares me more than it should

I'm not afraid of ******* it up
if that were all it was you'd find me on your doorstep
with my heart in my palms and blood dripping on the concrete
but the thought of how happy you would make me
of how temporary everything is despite our best efforts
the chance that I could lose everything in a single swoop
is more terrifying than wandering alone through dark paths
more terrifying than a deep voice from the empty space beside my ear
more terrifying than a letting down my guard little by little
just to get stabbed in the back
July 25th, 2014
Kay P Feb 2014
I am the wind
that fills your lungs
on the breath of thunderous rains

I am the glucose
the sweet taste of sugar
that taints the blood in your veins

I am the fear
that buds in your chest
when you realize you don't want to share

I am the scream
that grows in your throat
when you realize I don't care
Kay P Apr 2016
I don't want this to be a love poem

I don't want to tell you in ink what I can't say in words. I don't want to talk about him and my emotions or the hesitation that comes with uncertainty. I don't want to say anything about our mouths or how they're never close enough.

I don't want to talk about his hands

I don't want to tell you how I've looked at them and imagined, not simply them touching me like I've longed to be touched, not them belonging solely to me, but perhaps intertwining our fingers sometimes. I don't want to say that I have the strongest abhorrence to seeing those hands touch anything else. That isn't fair. He isn't mine.

I don't want to talk about his eyes

I don't want to tell you what color they are, how they shine. I don't want to give you metaphors and compare them to landscapes much bigger and things more consuming. I don't want to give you a road map to how I last got lost in them. I am not a starry eyed romantic, even if in the right light he looks like one.

I don't want to talk about his hair

I don't want to tell you about the others running their hands through it, or how it irks me. I won't tell you about how I look away or pretend to be busy. It isn't fair to be jealous of what I fold my hands in my lap not to touch. It isn't fair. I'm being fair.

I don't want to talk about his voice

I won't tell you how it's transcended music, that if he spoke for hours I would never be bored. How it is comforting enough to lull me to sleep... me! The most distrusting person in a room at any given time! How it pulls at me to respond with words I've never offered to another soul. It isn't fair. It isn't.

I don't want to talk about him

I won't tell you how he makes me want to paint walls with his likeness,  waste time and ink and memory to write and store poems that won't see the light of day. I want to keep this close. I don't want to share what I feel with anyone. I don't want to share him with anyone.

I don't want to tell him I love him

I don't want to lose him. I don't want to share what I feel but I don't want to share him with anyone. It's a Catch 22. A lose-lose scenario. There is no happy ending. The doubt I feel is realer than the hints he leaves, it makes the fear larger than the possibility of happiness. This is the cycle, this is the life I live.

I don't want this to be a love poem.
April 13th, 2016
Kay P Apr 2018
It exists just to be used
Softened lead and wood the color of sunshine,
On a clear summer day at noon,
Sharp to be dull to be sharpened again,
Cut to be cut to be cut again,
Long, for the purpose of being shortened
Shortened, short
Made to waste away, to sacrifice,
simply to make its mark, your mark,
A mark that will never be its own
What do you own when you are simply a conduit
Of other ideas?
An implemented utensil made to hold,
To shape thoughts, to make words,
To make worlds,
Smooth as soft grass beneath flattened palms,
Light enough to flick between fingers,
A soft hand, a trailing finger, a lover’s touch,
Round and round, and then round again,
Here, then there, unthinkingly,
As your focus trails over…
And doubles back,
Before crystallizing, your tool suddenly held firm,
As you spin your tales, your worlds, your words,
Then pause, and look, your thoughts made tangible,
Your tool a stake, a spear, a weapon when needed,
Sharp and dangerous, ready,
A pike, a sword, a dagger,
Able to communicate the sharpest words, the harshest touch,
A slap, a hit, hard, and heavy,
Smarting like a bruise just found, just poked, just pushed against.
A tool, a weapon, a builder, a revolutionary,
With just the barest hint of pink, of regret, of dissonance,
To stop.
Your trailing words, your tirade, your letters of love to leave,
Second guessed and sectioned off and sacrificed successfully,
Erased from all of history,
Transformed, at once, to nothing.
September 27th, 2017
Kay P Feb 2014
An old man sits
on the edge of the bed
just after he's tucked in his grandson
He fiddles and fits
While his old gal, she knits
And his boy sleeps, soft and handsome

But what is this?
He can't help but think
As his grandson rolls restlessly round
What sort of ploy
May claim my boy
When his pops is dead in the ground?

His wife, she shakes head
All afluttered and red
Claiming that he's been a fool
For Death, he comes
For every which ones
As sure as summers for school

But wife, he cries
With tears in his eyes
As his boys turns roughly about
"What will become
Of my dear grandson
When a grandfather he is without?"

His wife, she smiles
Is silent awhile
As her needles go clickity-clack
"This boy, you see
Is our legacy
And a family he never shall lack."
One Word Prompt,
Kay P Apr 2014
Today, it rained

The liquid poured from the sky
As if the gods were screaming
Yelling their triumph from the heavens
And showering their domain
in the blood of nonbelievers

Today, it poured

The sound of rain on the library roof
is something of a dull roar
Like the sound of a Roman crowd
screaming for their champion
as they face the beast from below

Like the sound of sword on shield
the repeated beat of boots on ground
of smiles red with blood
and faces lined with sweat.

Like the sound of tire on pavement
of speed unchecked and controlled
of a kiss on the lips and a tangling of breath
of lightning forking through the sky

Like the feeling of feeling again
Of numbness washed away
Of loneliness swirling in a drain
Of the rebirth of Peebles, Kay
April 15th, 2014
Kay P Feb 2014
I lie the way I play with hair
In silence, round and round
twisting this and that
following the same path
again and
again

Like the red of candy canes
unseen and seen
round and round
breath reeking of
red

I lie the way I tell stories
added up setting and characters
details and happenings
plot twists that end in
cliffhangers

I lie the way I put on clothing
layer by layer
switching colors and combos
until finally I end up
clothed

I lie the way I draw breath
in and out
in gasps and sighs
and stops
smiles, frowns
constant
February 16th, 2014
Kay P Feb 2016
It's been a little while since I tried this
self-therapy via words
that I won't share with anyone
but strangers near or far

a little while since my prose
got up from their beds
dusted off some cobwebs
and stretched their limbs

a little while since the black ichor
the ink that sometimes
bleeds out onto laptop keys
became mediocre poetry

and I get it, life's been hard
not too hard, but busy
not emotionally, but physically
and I didn't really need it

but I missed this
this little stretch of mental finesse
this warming up of metaphors
this cracking of poetic knuckles

Maybe this is what it's like to be understood.
February 10th, 2016
Kay P Oct 2015
My lips weren’t made for kissing.
I fear they’ve forgotten how, most times
It’s been years
since I practiced
speaking the language
of bodies
of heated palms and parted lips
of skin on skin

Would you be willing to relearn with me?
Spend long nights with
our heads bowed over foreign text books
I promise to add
my knowledge to yours
if you promise to stroke
my spine
to whisper and gasp this language
as it comes back to me

I’ve never pulled an all-nighter
to study a subject
but I swear
that to learn this language
I’ll meet with you
every night
like there’s an exam the next day

I’ll spend hours on each sound
whole days on single words
mouthing my way
until I’ve memorized
that week’s vocabulary
then go just a bit longer,
never hurts to be sure,
just in case I’ve missed something

I’ll use my tongue as a highlighter
brightening spots
I never want to forget
with color that rises
from beneath your skin
and revisit them often
to make sure
they stick in my memory

And when we need to run through the lists
we can press our lips
together
(to make sure we’re
pronouncing it right)
We may even
have to keep it up
for hours
to get the whole list right
until we’re perfectly in sync.

Everyone knows it takes years
to learn a new language
but I’d sacrifice decades
to be fluent
in you.
October 7th, 2015
Kay P Sep 2016
“Are we dreaming?”
He moves like a power surge, slow then suddenly. Lips on my jaw, lips on my throat. The sheets are smooth beneath our feet.
Are we dreaming?

“Is this real?”
He moves like a question. Hands on my hips. Gentle, gentle. Don’t wake - Don’t wake us. I sigh against his lips.
Is this real?

“Relax.”
His fingers on my cheek, his nose against my own. His eyes are closed, his smile soft, soft, soft. I melt.
Relax.

“This is a dream.”
His voice is sure, his laugh sideways. He’s made himself his punchline. His arms orbit, his forehead warm on mine.
This is a dream.

“It’s okay.”
His whisper quakes. For me, for him. He is pinks and blues in rising light. His eyes on me the softest plea.
“It’s okay, we’re dreaming.”
Kay P Apr 2014
This is not the end this is not the beginning.
This is the way you left me, I’m not pretending.
Truth be told I never was yours.
This heart ain’t built for two.
My heart is like a stallion
But I may snap as I move close
I tear my heart open
Waiting on a secondhand pick me up
I don’t care what you think as long as it’s about me
You can read all about it
I know what you’re thinking but darling you’re not thinking straight
Mind over matter never worked for my nemesis
Don’t regret me like the tattoos on my skin
This will never end cause I want more
I’m just saying you could do better
Or is it just madness keeping us afloat
Is there any chance you could see me too
Cause I love
Love love love you

At least I think I do
April 8th, 2014

Songs:
Waiting For the End - Linkin Park
Happy Ending - Mika
This Is Gospel - Panic! At The Disco
Killer - The Ready Set
Alone Together - Fall Out Boy
Elastic Heart - Sia
Scars - Papa Roach
Weightless - All Time Low
I Don't Care - Fall out boy
Read All About It (Part III) - Emeli Sande
The Moment I Said It - Imogen Heap
Buried Alive (Interlude) - Drake
Lonely Star - The Weeknd
If I Had A Heart - Fever Ray
I Love You - Woodkid
This is How to be a Heartbreaker - Marina & The Diamonds
Me
Kay P Feb 2014
Me
I wonder when I
began to take things
in stride.

Never fazed by
actions or
emotion

Only ever faltering
at hints of
hurt

Quickly ignored
swept beneath
others

My arms ache from
holding their
position

Why is it my hugs
are always
abandoned

Perhaps the only
constant detail is
me.
February 14th, 2014
Kay P Apr 2016
Have you ever loved someone so much
You could no longer look at them?
Afraid that if you did,
They'd catch the emotion in your eyes?

This isn't a poem like that, not really
There was no brush of fingertips and long sideways glances
He is not the sun, and I am not the earth
But we could be meant to be

He is not an angel, He does not fly on wings made of music and
He does not leave ****** footprints across golden landscapes
He is not the best thing to happen since sliced bread,
Hell, he's not even the best thing to happen to me

And yet,
Here I am writing yet another poem
About the way I don't let myself look at his eyes
And who needs more words about how arms feel like home
When it could just be that you haven't been held in a while

Who needs metaphors about butterflies
When in reality it's just an excuse for hesitation
A fallacy-filled reasoning to not take a chance
And some sick culmination of a lack of self worth

I can give you reasons that I love him,
I can give you clues that he loves me,
I can give you explanations, similes,
Excuses for why I've done nothing,

But why even bother with that?
What is the point of waxing poetic about a boy
Who I will never make a move on
And who will never make a move?

Spoiler Alert,
There isn't one.
April 11th, 2016
Kay P Mar 2014
The
     bottom
            line
                is
                 finish
                      it
        But
            work
                  blurs
                        my
                            vision
              And
                    inspiration
                                    is
                                      hard
                                             to
                                               come
                                                       by
                     And
                          honestly
                                      who
                                           will
                                               need
                                                      to
                          Factor
                                   functions
                                                with
                                                     exponents
                                   Anytime
                                               in
                                                 thier
                                                       lives
                                               After
                                                    This?
Kay P Apr 2014
A thousand and one reasons
To take your good old time
To weave barbs into wire
Your heart a "Keep Out" sign

A thousand and one reasons
to think that no one cares
That your opinion is less than nothing
That life just isn't fair

A thousand and one reasons
To wince at your own name
To grit your teeth and narrow eyes
And turn away from pain

A thousand and one reasons
To take a breath of air
To feel the movement in your lungs
And wish it wasn't there

A thousand and one reasons
To look how far you've come
To sigh and sit up straighter
For the battle's almost won

A thousand and one reasons
A thousand, twenty two
A thousand and one reasons
And none of them are you
April 3rd, 2014
Kay P Apr 2014
I feel like a dog

Beaten for returning
Yelled for running off
Dragged along on a leash
Of promises never made

I feel like a child

Chastised for squealing
Laughter too loud
Running too fast
And not falling down

I feel like a book

Left face down
Pages wrinkled, spine flattening
Half way through what was once
Your favorite story
April 9th, 2014
Kay P Mar 2014
blah blah
                       blah
                                      poetry
well it isn't.
March 4th, 2014
Kay P Sep 2015
I need kisses
like a fish needs colored rocks
and a bear needs honey

I need it like
eyes need sunglasses
and skin needs sunscreen

Like people need chocolate
or french fries or fried food
or fast wi-fi or vacation

The thing about needing
- I don't
- It'd be nice though
September 15th, 2015
Kay P Mar 2014
Poets are just authors
who get straight to the point
at least that's what my teacher
told me once

I don't know if I believe it
I'm an author too, sometimes
and others it just seems better
for poems, for prose, for rhyme

Sometimes I wonder if
The earth is really rounded
or if it's just a oblong
distant lands and distant seas

I like poetry because with stories
They want you to make sense
and with poems you can
just go and go and go

I like poetry because
my prose is all that's judged
not my grammer or my speling
or anything at all

Perhaps it's all too clever
so poetic, so in tune
Artistic and amazing
so clear and so immune

I feel immortal with my poetry
with my rhymes and with my nots
All the way to everything
All the way to nothing
March 6th, 2014
Kay P Jul 2015
G.
It seems like once again you had to greet me with goodbye
If what they said was all pretend then it’d be different

O.
Conceal don’t feel don’t let them know
Stop me, stop me, you can’t stop me, stop me

O.
I don’t wanna be alone forever
But now the sound of love is out of tune

D.
It seems like pain and regret are your best friends
I’m kinda older than I was when I revelled without a care, so there

B.
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes
I’ve never seen you like this. You’re scaring me to death

Y.
But I’m stuck in this ******* rut waiting on a secondhand pick me up
I’m just saying you could do better, tell me have you heard that lately?

E.**
Take it from the girl you used to love,
I’ll forgive you, forget you, the end.
July 21st, 2015
Kay P Jan 2015
i.
You’re alone, and you don’t really mind.
It’s quiet here, and peaceful
No one asks too much of you
You stay who you are and you do what you do
And no one’s much the wiser.
You like it this way.

ii.
You've locked yourself in your dorm because you don’t want to deal with people.
“School is easy, people are hard.”
That is the mantra you mentally whisper as you disappear
into novels with characters with much bigger problems
than a lack of friends you don’t remember wanting.
You’re not sure if you like it this way.

iii.
There are people you barely know smiling at you.
It’s sort of like you've known them long,
but you’re sure it’s only been two days.
You know all their names, which is weird,
but they know your name too.
They sort of understand.
You sort of like it this way.

iv.
You’re surrounded on all sides, but it’s nice.
It feels like the music in the air
is racing through your bloodstream.
Is this what it feels to be apart of something?
Greater?
You might like it this way.

v.
It’s too late to be night but too early to be morning.
You talked as though you don’t have
your past locked in your back pocket.
You laugh like this is nothing new,
like you sleepover with “practically strangers” all the time.
But they don’t feel like strangers, not really.
You think you like it this way.

vi.
You’re not sure what’s really happening anymore.
There’s no urge to be alone,
but no urge to constantly be with them,
as though these relationship are symbiotic,
rather than the lecherous addictions
friendships became in high school.
You’re not sure if you trust it this way,
but you like it.
January 27th, 2015
Kay P Apr 2018
My last long distance relationship was with YaHWeH
And we’re on break
But when I can’t help myself
I drunk text him
Thumbs fumbling like they’ve forgotten
Keys I used to know with eyes closed

“Why do you give me emotions
If they are only going to be doubted?
Invalidated continuously?
What would it be like to feel something
Without being punished?
Prayer emoji, prayer emoji,
Cry emoji, upside down smile.”

And when the emotional puking is done
And I’ve resigned myself to silence
And acid green Listerine
The universe chimes
“One new message.”

Taking a deep breath,
Pushing down apprehension
And the nauseous excitement
Of a boy texting back
Read.

“They are not always thus.
Each time someone was there
In your corner,
Maybe not the most voices
Maybe not the loudest
But there.

You are the master of your destiny, Love
The master of your punishment
You do not have to feel punished
You are rejoice made flesh.”
Peaceful smile, peaceful smile
Kiss emoji.”

I pause, reading it once,
Then twice,
Swallowing then nodding
Keys now vaguely familiar.

“Sometimes I forget.
Shy emoji, shrug emoji,
Monkey covering eyes.”

“God is typing……”

“That is what I’m here for.”
Kiss emoji, smile emoji
Blushing beaming smile.”
December 6th, 2017
Kay P Aug 2014
I've told you I loved you a million times,
but never in words

We went to cross a street
and my arm, without permission
was out to block your path
before I even noticed
as a car went by
you laughed and asked
'what's with the protective act?'
I couldn't answer
because I didn't know

We walked side by side
across the train tracks
kicking stones in matching sneakers
you turned to me,
your heart in your eyes
'am I like Him?'
and I thought about it at length
before telling you no
instead of simply dispelling your fears

We were on a bus ride
sharing a seat whilst around us
tears were shed
but you simply made me laugh
and we spent the whole ride talking
as I smoothed down the fur
on the snout of your
favorite stuffed animal
and later when they blamed you
for enjoying yourself
I defended you with an army
of eyebrows raised high
and sarcastic remarks
that made you laugh instead

And when we walked together
from church, to home
taking a short cut through
streets we'd never been down before
I listened to you talk of everything
that came to mind
and we sang every song
that came on your phone's radio app

And between services,
when I was lazy
and laying on my side
on your bed easy as pie
you fidgeted with every
little knick knack on your dresser
telling me tales of each
and I smiled and nodded
using your stuffed animal
as a pillow and waiting for you to sit down

When you started designing your game
I stayed silent and listened
as you described your plans
how you built each little thing
using code you'd learned from
YouTube tutorials
Secretly thrilled
at the tiny contact
between your back and my knees

And when you finally
put your laptop down
and laid down
letting me spoon you
each time we decided
we'd get up to get
something to eat
yet went nowhere
sent a happy little thrill
through my whole body

And with each new experience
each new revelation
of budding emotions
thought long gone
I learn that love
can be just as strong
as softly fading radiation
from a platonic bomb
August 26th, 2014
Kay P Mar 2014
Today you mistook a shiver for weakness.

Sometimes the Earth gets tired.
Humans populate almost every inch hospitable
Leveling ground too ‘wild’ for its purpose
Shrieking for order and smoothing hills
Building higher, spanning wider
Spreading the plague of population
Preaching ‘Save Mother Earth!’
But taking natural born beauty
Replacing it with stenciled curves
And rises demolished and remade in cement

Sometimes the Earth feels unloved.
The love of nature, but not of all that comes with
The view, not the insects
The forest, not the wildlife
Then not the forests at all
Cut them down for firewood
For houses made of stone and brick
Carve out pits to place your waste
Dig up earth made sound by centuries
Replace with loose stones
And complain of instability
Of bedrock you can not break
Of Opals too easily broken
And then it’s a wonder
That all gemstones
Are kept within the darkest caverns
Deep into the mines of the earth

Sometimes the Earth feels used.
Once white beaches covered
In foot traffic and families
And it’s not as though the Earth minds that
But the trash left to drift into the oceans
The oil spills and landfills
The litter left so carelessly
The use without thought
For beaches are for everyone, it’s only fair
Why thank the Earth at all?

Sometimes the Earth forgets
When used to meet someone’s needs
As though an endless resource
Sometimes you run out of fossil fuels
I’d give my bones for this
But skeletons weren’t made to last forever
And through it all calm skies and shining suns
As though nothing were wrong

Sometimes the Earth needs to remember
That gravity is a force that needs two factors
That not all satellites are geosynchronous
That it takes 365 days to get back to where you started
And even then you’re still a bit off
And that’s okay, that’s okay

That’s okay.

I am in control.
Tornado relocates entire home.
I am in control.
Hurricane leaves hundreds stranded.
I am in control.
Avalanche destroys mountain resort.
I am in control.
Lightning leaves entire county without power.
I am in control.
Tsunami wipes coastline clear off the map.
I am in control.
Typhoon tears roofs off of residences.
I am in control.
Earthquake levels entire city.

Today you mistook a shiver for weakness,
But Earthquakes only remind that the Earth is something to be feared.
That cities fall as easily as rain and sleet and snow
That change is the only constant
Do not make the mistake again.
March 24th, 2014
I wrote this earlier but lost it and it kinda changed??? I don't know
Kay P 13h
I message the girl I love
     "I miss writing poetry"
I miss the way syllables
     and sounds orient themselves
A line dance I haven't done
    in years, but know the steps
A sleeper agent to the way
    that used to be the only way
Back when my feelings were opaque
    and dusty, indiscernible
Before I knew what anger was
    without heat and fear
    and raised voices
Before I knew safety as something
    permanent, more tangible
    than ghosts
Once, poetry was my first language
    prose second, RP third,
A way to communicate without speech
    without uhms and uhs
Before I learned to ******* my way
    through public speaking
Poetry
    A line and feeling, a dance
    Syllabic sign language
I message the woman I love
    "I miss writing poetry"
Pick up a pen
    and write.
October 30, 2024
Kay P May 2014
At one point he realized that if he hugged me hard enough our hugs don’t last as long

It reminds me of the way some people take pills
if you take enough all at one time
perhaps the dosage will be strong enough
to run through your blood like runners in a race
to blissfully declare that it’s all for nothing and nothing for all
that the feeling of my shoulderblades cracking under pressure
is better than overdosing on pills

It reminds me of the way some people gorge on food
because if you eat it all as fast as you can
it takes a few minutes before your stomach feels that its too much
and if you wait to puke it all up in the bathroom of your school after lunch
maybe the feel of ***** and the burn in your throat
is worth the taste of all that food
that you ate too fast to enjoy it

It reminds me of the way some people use their orajel
because if you sit there are you numb one spot
all the other aches are suddenly so appearant
because all of you hurts, doesn’t it?
Not just one tooth, but all the others
and if you numb the one distracting you
suddenly your whole mouth is in disarray
and you hurt everywhere

It reminds me of life support
because a machine pumping what you were born with into your body
reminds me of the way I cling like a child to their mother’s skirts
to you as if you were my only living teddybear
because I know that if you were to walk away one day
I could go on living
and that fact alone makes it that much likely
that you’ll stay even longer

because I don’t think I need you
but I want you around anyway
May 1st, 2014
Kay P Dec 2014
I'm not good at falling in love
but I seem to be good at being in it

I kick and I flail when emotions start
to trickle and accumulate
to pile upon one another like clues
toward a conclusion unsatisfactory
because I know where this is heading

I've been head over heels
and *** over elbows
and flat as a board on my back
but each time as I felt it growing
I denied, and I lied, and I wept

See, I understand what it's like
to start a war over the wink of a lady
I know how it feels to share a crush
with those whose happiness
you prioritize above your own

I know how to feel worthless
and I know how to doubt
and I know how to keep my mouth shut
but I know how to love without regrets
and I like to believe that's enough

See, sometimes I feel the need
to browse through old tags on tumblr
and sometimes I stare at my phone
and debate sending a text
and lots of times I remember
that I saved every message I sent you

But that isn't fair.

Because you know love is ever evolving
and there's so many different types
and perhaps never the same love twice
at least I hope not, anyway.
Cause I always seem to throw myself
into chasms overflowing
with deep dark water
and I'm not the best swimmer.

And I love to believe that people
are life preservers
stuck on shore.
December 12th, 2014
Kay P Feb 2014
Stop me, Stop Me
I am running toward a
precipice
I’m scared of what’s
on the other
side

Avenge me
When silence conquers
love
drags me down
ties me up
gags me.

Scream for me
When my voice
quits
curls up in my throat
blocking even
oxygen

Shake me, Shake Me
I am barely
living
I am living a life
of constant
apathy.

Stop,
Avenge
Scream and
Shake
February 17th, 2014
Kay P Feb 2014
I do not love your scars

Given the chance I would trace the marks with fingers
trembling
hold your bruises with soft caresses
brush my lips across them with childish hope
kiss it better

I do not love your scars

They tell tales of suffering
of self-hate and loathing
and if my fingers could fit through my ribs
I would drag out my heart and ask you to taste it
for my love flows more abundant than blood
and the last of my life dripping from between your fingers
reminds me of a fairy tale ending

I do not love your scars

Rash imperfection on otherwise pale skin
bright red marks and bruises purple as eggplant
in defiance of the life you live
harsh self-taught words that cut deeper
than you broken glass ever could.

I do not love your scars

Words muttered and kept
under breath and filling lungs and spilling from parted lips
let me be your nebulizer
to pump numb-tasting words into your body
until you can taste nothing but my lips on yours
feel nothing but my breath on your collarbone
my teeth on your throat

I do not love your scars

They prove your pain
that despite my love and thoughts of our future
still you hate the very being
that gets me out of bed in the morning.
I am not a love poet
but when I write of you
it is the only word
that comes to mind

I do not love your scars

I can not fathom the size of our galaxy
but its vastness is the only thing able to contain
my affections
for what else changes and expands
what else contains suns and solar systems
and great spaces of nothing at all?

What else steals breath as Love does?

I do not love your scars

But I love your resolute acceptance
the way you know where each one is
a flaw upon perfection
like small blips on a map
stars in the universe

I do not love your scars

You see them as wreckage,
not strongholds
Blackholes
instead of suns
Proof of weakness
instead of iron ***** resilience

I do not love your scars
I do not love their stories
I love the person strong enough
to bear them
February 19th, 2014
Kay P Feb 2014
I want to wrap my hands
around my own throat
because it would hurt you
more than me.

Oh, sweet
Sadistic Apathy
Masochistic Empathy
fight your wars
within me

Assassinate
my destiny
February 18th, 2014
Kay P Feb 2014
“Do we need to talk?”
hangs from my tongue
on a noose of
agreed
silence.

It tastes like I’ve imagined
your lips, or perhaps
those were someone else’s
once, before
this.

The words hover
coat my mouth
in sugar and mint
carved and colored
swirls.

“I don’t think you two
will ever figure it
out”
which two? us two?
oh. uh.
Truth.

“Are we going to talk about
how we just had…
nevermind.”

Silence is our
Death Sentence.
February 16th,  2014
Kay P Jul 2016
i.
he calls you soft, and you tremble
he calls you soft, and you quake,
he calls you soft, and you shatter
he calls you soft, and you break

ii.
you are sunlight. you are bright.
you are the breeze. you are the flight.
you are shivers. you are sweat.
you pray to remember. you pray to forget.

iii.
she smiles. you are lost.
your fingers tangle. there is no cost.
she whispers. you tilt your head.
you bite your lip. it remains unsaid.

iv.
you are alone. you don't mind.
you are alone. you want to cry.
you are alone. you've had much worse.
you are alone. the poet's curse.
July 10th, 2016
Kay P Mar 2014
We've already established
That the sun's a bit self-centered
And it's as if the rest
Revolve around
but I think that may just be science

We've already established
That the moon shows only one side
to the Earth and the side
that's cloaked in shadow
is something to be
wary of? scared of? disappointed with?

We've already established
That Venus is the planet of love
That Jupiter gets no love songs
That Mars and Mercury frankly couldn't give a ****
and Uranus simply doesn't.

And I'd hate to pile more on Earth
More noise to pollute the atmosphere
More thoughts that don't mean jackshit
More civilizations that believe the universe
Revolves around Earth.

Storms and Quakes and Humans
Are unimportant after all
You can't complain about not finding
A specific sort of poem
if all the other planetary poems
Seem to be about you anyway
March 22nd, 2014
Kay P Apr 2016
He was a boy, she was a girl,
Do you see where this is going?

Sometimes she was a girl and sometimes he was sweet,
and sometimes they would smile at each other,
and sometimes one would smile and the other would miss it,
and sometimes neither smiled at all.

Sometimes there were others and sometimes there were not
and sometimes the others got too close,
and sometimes she got rather internally possessive,
and sometimes he raised an eyebrow questioningly but got no answer

Sometimes there was music and sometimes there was dancing,
and sometimes they danced and sometimes they didn't,
and sometimes he watched her and sometimes she giggled,
and sometimes she watched him and had to look away

Sometimes she thought in terms of forever,
and sometimes she thought in terms of 'never',
and sometimes she thought in terms of 'maybe',
and sometimes she thought in terms of 'enough',

(because sometimes she didn't feel good enough)
(and sometimes she worried about not being loved enough)
(and sometimes she stressed about not being pretty enough)
(and most times she didn't feel like she was enough)

But sometimes that didn't matter,
because sometimes he smiled and talked enough
and sometimes his stories were funny enough
and sometimes he showed her he cared enough

And sometime she'll realize enough is enough
and that being attractive isn't always a measure of scruff
and that when you love someone you've gotta say that stuff
because leaving is easy when you don't know enough
April 11th, 2016
Kay P Dec 2014
Have you ever looked for love
in the space between someone's arms?

What is that volume
when compared to the immensity
of the known universe?

I'm sorry, it doesn't make sense.
Searching for something as vast as love
in the microscopic space
of a human's arms
whilst stars explode and collapse
as my love did
December 12th, 2014
Kay P 13h
To throw away:

The hammer pants I wore
the day we met in person,
faded pattern and hole in knee
you said you would patch
for the memory

10 greeting cards signed by me
for Valentine's, birthday, anniversary.
21 post-it notes with "I ❤️ U"
once hidden around our bedroom
reminders from me, to you.

3 Greeting cards, scribbled by you
2 Given late, 1 on time
asking for *** on Valentine's

The set of knives and cutting block
to you for Christmas, rusted through
you soaked but never washed.
The owl mug, your first gift to me
that fell from my desk, handle broken
tossed instead of lost.

The practice leggings, now too loose,
stretched, and not your size
you "borrowed" and continued to wear
ignoring they were mine.

To wash, febreeze, rest and reset:

The jacket I bought for me,
that became yours when you arrived,
sans winter clothes,
donated, now. Surprise!

The mattress we bought together,
After I cried and begged for hours,
The box spring my then-bestie donated
to me, but you claimed was "ours"

The soft, memorable fabric, on which
I wanted no one else to sit,
my Poppy's Lay-Z-boy,
about which you threw a fit.

The car I gained when I kicked you out,
that I keep cleaner than you would.
My space, my heart, my dignity,
my house and personhood.
November 27, 2024
Kay P Mar 2014
The stars care not
For your fears
Not for your happiness
And not for your tears
For they are above you
They don't feel as you do
And they shine far brighter
Than your eyes

The stars care not
If you shout or scream
Or cry at the top of your lungs
For the stars are simply
The sort of stuff
The would peel away the fabric
That made up your body
As if it were a tiger
With its claws
In silk curtains

The stars care little
Of your problems and less
Of your stress
And if it were possible
To be more apathetic
I’m sure the stars
Would achieve that as well
For stars are far greater
Than you’ll ever be
(Or so they tell me
In science class
Where I learn the volume of a star
Would easily consume
Our planet)

The stars care not
For you or me
For the stars are intangible
Too far to reach, yet
Too close to seem
Otherwise.

The sun, in comparison
Is warm and caring
The sort of love that can burn
If exposed too long
But only hurtful
When it’s been gone
And only then
Do you feel the burn.
Until then,
You lay and send
Your love to the sun
Who is closer than stars
And less cold, as well

Their light blinds
Like the morning sun
For each star
Is a sun
To someone.
One Word Prompt Challenge
Kay P Nov 2015
I trusted you.

It's not much, three words
not love or endless faith proclimations
nothing more than a smile and a fond glance, maybe
it's not like we've known each other all that long

but it adds up, you know?
Simple math, add the hours to the days
and those conversations we had late at night
and get the solution:
a night where I felt like I could pour out my soul
Not much, not much,
but enough

Then shock, betrayal
I added it wrong, carried a one that wasn't there
and somehow expected more of you
My mistake, tactically stupid, I know
Who goes to war with an ally they hadn't tried in battle
with no written record of a truce?
Rookie mistake.

I won't be so foolish again
November 1st, 2015
Kay P Feb 2014
Avoidance
does not solve
problems

it acts as a
shield
but is only
temporary

for as one
waits
sneaks and
dodges

still others
stand
still and
silent

statues
will not
give
chase

statues
will not
give
chase

statues
will only
wait
February 17th, 2014
Kay P Sep 2014
I was bullied from kindergarten to freshman year.

I loved to imagine a tall boy
three inches taller exactly,
just tall enough that
each kiss would have to happen
on my tip toes
and riding on his back
would feel just like
flying.

His hair would be dark brown
and his eyes would be
unremarkable
a brown so dark that others
would think it black
no one else would get close enough
to tell the difference
and no one else would love them
as I did
just as I hoped my eyes would look
to someone else
some day.

He wouldn’t speak much
to other people
his words would mean much
but only to those
who could understand what he meant
and I would be the first
to major in his language
but I would never teach it
to any but our children.

He would look at me
like I personally rose the sun
and hung the stars at night
I would be so high in his regard
that my word would be law
and he would never doubt
anything I said
and even when I lied
obvious and wide eyed
sarcasm dripping from my lips
he would believe me

He would visit me in school
to sit with me at lunch
walking slowly
past the girls who told me
‘no one will ever love you’
and ‘who would ever want to kiss
a face like yours?’
He would prove them wrong right there
at the table they shunned me to
kissing me in full view of everyone.

He would dress in leather
and his hair would be greased
combed back just like a bad boy
he would have a motorcycle
and a car he never drove
and his jeans would be
perfectly between baggy and skinny

He would call me
His Girl
and if anyone messed with me
he would narrow his eyes in such a way
that made them fear for their lives
My bullies would never bother me again.

He would describe my skin
with words like silky, soft and succulent
ebony, stately, and irresistible
but never would he compare its color
to any sort of food
except perhaps sugar
when speaking of the taste.

I built him in the lonely hours
when eyes followed me
and whispers rose behind my back
I made sure that for every insult
tossed my way like live grenades
he threw back with easy confidence
as though my life were a game of COD.

My hair was never too wild
too big or too ‘ethnic’
My lips were just the right size
to **** the breath straight from my lungs
He didn’t care if I shaved my legs
and he liked my sense of style.
He didn’t mind if I was wearing
basketball shorts and too big tshirts,
and he told me that tight clothing
left nothing to the imagination anyway
and besides he didn’t want the other boys
to see what they’d missed.
He didn’t care that I was as boyish
as I was shy
and he knew that the wall I built around myself
wasn’t all there was to me
and he always knew just what I needed,
and sometimes when I was lonely
he showed up just to give me a hug.

And when I got to high school
He shaped how I saw things
He always told me I was beautiful
and if no one else could see that, it was their loss.
He told me that there was never anything wrong with me
and if no one else could see that
then **** Them and All They Stand For.

He faded back into my subconsciousness,
speaking to me though I never truly
thought of him the way he’d been
He stopped bursting into classrooms
to show others what they were missing
and he started whispering an idea
that I didn’t need him anymore.

I would pass a reflection of myself
and He would lift my chin
‘Look how beautiful you are.’
He knew when I was sad,
and promised it was only temporary.
He smiled and gave me thumbs up
when I doubted and shook with nerves.
And with him I could cope.
And soon without him I could too.

Now when I passed mirrors
I lifted my chin myself.
‘Look how beautiful I am’.
and when I was sad
I told myself it was only temporary.
I gave myself smiles,
and I laughed at myself,
and I learned to love me as I’d always imagined
he did.
Unconditionally.
September 5th, 2014
Kay P Nov 2017
1.  “Redbone” by Childish Gambino
       *From the album “Awaken My Love!” circa 2016

There is something here of the generations
My mother used to hold me to her chest
And play songs that sounded a lot like this one
A string of notes and a backbeat that could lead a war
That old time sound of a desperately truthful falsetto
Of loves and lusts lost and almost lost

        2. “Ribcage” by Mary Lambert ft Angel Haze
        From the album “Heart on my Sleeve” circa 2014
I’ve always had a penchant for clever lyrics and simile
Self titled Queen of Metaphor circa 2008
This one is a heartbeat, trapped in a cage of craving bone
With vulnerable voices raised in honest harmony
Then comes the rap Angel, spitting psalms of poetic pleas
Desperate to be understood when words work no longer

3. “HOLD ME TIGHT OR DON’T” by Fall Out Boy
From the album “Mania” circa 2017
A love song about holding memories like mists in tight fists
A distance insurmountable between two linked chains
It’s the point where numbness reaches its peak,
But you remember the all consuming wave of emotion
The way a child who has lived their whole life in the desert
Remembers being born at sea

4. “The Good Part” by AJR
From the album “The Click” circa 2017
This is where you are when you’ve reach three fourths completion,
A 2pm existential crisis, an out of body stress headache
A melancholy look back at all you’ve achieved,
A Pride in the journey, when you’ve still got miles before the finish line
Weeks of hard work, all in an unending line,
A tired request to flip to the Happily Ever After

5. “Maybe IDK” by Jon Bellion
From The Album “The Human Condition” circa 2016
This is the finale of an existential nightmare,
The part of dissociation where the world comes back into focus,
When you talk your brain into circles to get back to sense,
This is the sigh of relief when your questions stop spiraling
Like living through a hurricane, hands clasped, eyes closed
Coming outside, and seeing the sun

6. “Once in a Lifetime” by Talking Heads
From the Album “Remain in Light” circa 2005
Finally, the return of your mind, the tingling of overthinking
Come to rest. This is the feeling of everything being “alright”
When you haven’t been alright since two years old. This is
The temporary “back to normal”, the frequently pressed reset,
Button that makes you function again, when you know
Deep down, you’re an iphone four years out of date
For Zach,
When the panic gets too much, and the future seems insurmountable,
Give this a listen. Maybe it will help.
If it doesn’t, at least you have some new songs to listen to. :)
Kay

November 29th, 2017
Kay P Jul 2015
I think about flowers and beautiful gardens
and how eventually they all wilt
we all decay one day, don't you know?

I think about roses and dandelions
of weeds and thorns and r e d
we all bleed when our skin is ripped

I think about trees and leaves
of bark and branches and green
sometimes oxygen tastes like cyanide

I think about how the wind sounds
when its gentle but there's no chimes
can I really believe in something I cannot see?
July 21st, 2015
Kay P Jul 2015
On Sunday he pressed his lips against my throat
in a joking sort of kiss
all waggled brows and hidden giggles
and I said "oh my god what are you doing"
and we dissolved into snickering

And on Wednesday me and he sat
and watched TV and played horror games
all terror and smiles and fond glances
and I said "it's your turn don't roll your eyes at me"
and I forgot my responsibilities when he did it anyway

On Sunday we shared a glance over breakfast snacks
and danced on stage and talked around him
all raised brows and aching cheeks
and I said "we'd have cute kids your hair, my everything else"
and I don't remember what his face was, from the ground

And on Wednesday, he laid on my couch
and I sat in my armchair
all relaxation and easy conversation
and he said "wait, are you really going to marry him?"
and I don't remember answering

And on Sunday we raised our eyes to heaven
and sang songs to the God my mother loves
all easy grace and accidental harmonies
and I thought "why would I marry him I love you"
and I sat alone
July 21st, 2015
Kay P Dec 2014
I stayed up late
I filled you with words
that sounded too nice
and smelled too sweet
and tasted like love
like dark chocolate and peppermint
like bitterness and surprise
and I learned
slowly, I learned
that unconditional love
is impossible to prove
December 12th, 2014
Kay P Aug 2015
In my mind, he is the color green.

Have you ever looked around and seen
Just how much of life is green?
And I'm not talking nature,
Any introvert can close the blinds,
And forget leaves in winter
And grass under snow.
But he's the green of a start button
Of the t-shirt you forgot to throw into last week's wash
Of the tiles in the bathroom
And the leggings on a stranger.
He's the green that means "go"
And it makes me... stop.
Reverse.
Climb inside where the air is clear
and smells of rain
and everything is Blue.

But my girl, she was Red.
The sort that bleeds
Into ink black or blue
August 11th, 2015
Kay P Feb 2014
My life will not revolve
around another man
no good for me

I deserve a kind hearted man
who buys me flowers
chocolates

hearts and vanilla ice cream
I deserve to be able
to cut myself
off

without glances
whispers
looks

He should know how I work
how I think and
feel
because he thinks
the same

I should not have
to fight myself
to stay
away
It should
be
easier

No.
I’m lying
is this what
love
feels like?
February 18th, 2014
Kay P Sep 2016
Write it in pen, write it in pen
You can’t take it back if you write it in pen

Say it out loud, say it out loud
You can’t hide from it if you say it out loud

Think of it more, think of it more
You can’t run from it if you think of it more

Tell your best friend, tell your best friend
You won’t be alone if you tell your best friend
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