i missed you yesterday
and the day before
and the day before
when i hadn't seen you for a month.
time was a monster gnawing away
at the walls of its cage between my ribs,
its chains rusting and cracking with wear.
the present was a dreamer's life
of sleep and rest and zoning
because how else could i reach my perfect world
of us?
the past was a landmine,
every moment a missed opportunity
for more time with you.
and the future was repeated images
of when it was finally today,
hugging and seeing and knowing and having.

i missed you earlier
more than i ever had before
when i saw you for the first time in a month.
somehow time had freed itself
and i guess it saved our "us, maybe"
for its main course
because by the time i got to you
i could see in your eyes
that we were already gone.

Torn, broken, upset
When I left, I didn't look back
How I regret it.

Sometimes I wish that darkness was a human and that darkness was a cannibal.
That from the concave behind my eyes
wisps of black stretched out
and swallowed up my skin,
turned me upside down
and inside out
until I was inside it.
The skin or the darkness
I’m not sure.

Lost is forever
Never to be seen again
Goodbye one last time

A wise man thinks knowledge is power
A smart man thinks ignorance is bliss.

I love rock and roll
but the video killed the radio star
because no one lives forever!

Buzzing buzzing
Lips curling
Fingers thrumming
There’s nothing in my mind
But that stupid silent humming
Gonna go insane
Without any weight
Above my head
Gonna go insane
Without any thoughts
Inside my brain
Gonna go insane
In a world where there’s 
Nothing inside sanity
But silence

How could you?!
You said you loved me
You said you were getting better
You smiled, your real smile
that last day..

How could you leave me
with only the worn memories?!
We planned our future
together!
We stayed sane
together!
We survived
together!
How can you leave me like this?
Broken.
Torn.
You've killed a part of me that can never be replaced
without even letting me say goodbye..

As I stare into the night,
the darkness caving in,
I notice a lonely speck of light
flickering dimly in the sky.
And quietly, I make a wish
and wipe my tears away.  
Everything suddenly seems
a little less dark, a little less loud,
because I know
you’re looking out your window
under the same sky,
wishing on the same star,
and everything’s going to be alright.

Kiss me.
Kiss me softly
as I drown in your honeycomb eyes.
Kiss me slowly
until I forget everything except the feel of your lips on mine.
Kiss me deeply
and let me believe that you truly want me.
Kiss me hard
so that I remember what it feels like to have passion.
Kiss me delicately
until your warmth dries my tears and washes my sorrows away.
Kiss me sweetly
and teach me what it means to love.
Then hold me tight
and never let go.

Throw a bone to the dog
Because i’m hungry hungry
Quiet crunching sinew
White against yellow teeth
Worn against soft gums
Eating eating eating
Gone gone gone
Throw another bone to the dog

Gently, gently,
pick up this dying child.
Gently, gently,
caress this soft cheek.
Gently, gently,
sob as her skin pales.
Gently, gently,
rock her back and forth in your arms.
Gently, gently,
set her cold body down to rest.
Gently, gently,
wet this corpse with your tears.
Gently, gently,
stroke her blonde hair for the last time.
Gently, gently,
kiss her forehead and say goodbye.
Gently, gently,
weep as her body disappears beneath the dirt.
Gently, gently,
caress the worn image of her laughing face
and smile.

"How are you?"
Bad.
Disappointed.
Upset.
Frustrated.
Angry.
Heartbroken.
D­esperate.
Confused.
Lost.
Anxious.
Numb.
Broken.
Incomplete.
Depr­essed.
"Fine, you? :)"

Why do our badly hidden lies
always end in anger-driven goodbyes?

Friends fall around us
Blood reflects the starry sky
Stain the ground with red

Smoke obscures the sun
Metal birds soar through the sky
What's this world become?

Wind rustles papers
Birds chirp their sweet melodies
Then all goes quiet

Some days I talk to you with my head instead of my mouth.
As endless jokes slide between my teeth
I tell you
I wish smiling didn’t come so easy.
I know you slide safety pins into the corners of your lips and through the tops of your cheeks
before walking through my door.
You always reach for me, fingers curling round my own
intertwining
so our fingers look like a tall picket fence standing between us and our palms.
I wonder
do you hold my hand like you would your own,
begging your younger self to stumble away — on foot, because your wings were still too small to fly on —
in any direction that wasn’t towards home
instead of giving her the key
and letting her lock you away
leaving you to batter hopelessly against
the confines of your rib cage,
wings no longer small
but cut
some by her hand,
some by yours held (lovingly) (hatefully) in her own?
I wonder
if your pulse between my fingers
is from your screaming begging tearing heart,
or the sound of you hitting the walls
of your confine time and time again
like a bird hitting a blacked-out window
because it knew it used to be clear.
Once, you let go of my hand
held me in a chokehold
until I tapped out minutes too soon
and I wonder
were your hands itching, hurting, begging
to feel the softness of your throat
the way your fingers would press
into hollows formed by a year’s worth of work
but you couldn’t, you couldn’t
not with your safety-pin smile
so you did the next best thing
and laughed your post-it note laugh
one prepared from hours of late-night YouTube tutorials
that you watched as you drowned in the smell of your home
and you reached for me,
held me in the way she taught you to hold
even as you hated yourself
hated her
hated the her that was yourself,
the yourself that was her and was hers
for listening to the lessons
she recites with her hands.

Hold me tight
So that I don't lose you, too..

I found you (you found me)
hands hidden
gloves to the edges of your sleeves (I wished I could see)
Box on the side of the road
three kittens inside (I wanted to join them)
One pocket for each crying mind
they were hidden.

Gloves callused, hands warm
you led me to your home (my home)
jacket off gloves on sleeves down
palms against your face
rain against your skin it’s rain it’s rain (I know)
but kittens hide in your pockets
so you wipe the water from your cheeks
and one by one you set them free (it’s warm)
Paws against face against gloves
fingers down their back
running through their hair (you ask them why they’re sad)

No response, except
purrs run hot against your cheeks (my smile is tattooed with your skin)
tails swish against your shirt
fur rumpled, eyes soft
so small against your chest (grow in circles with me)
Gloves off, kittens warm.

Paws against face against skin (they ask you why you’re sad)
it’s rain you say, it’s rain it’s rain it’s rain

(I kiss the tears away)

Ice cold hands
on jagged skin
Please don’t let me go

Tell me you’re okay
– No don’t lie!
But
tell me you’re okay

Where is your voice?
Lost its place
behind my ear
I can’t hear it anymore

Last time we spoke
you cried against my skin
droplets tattooed into my soul
I promise
I will never let you go.

There’s a hole in my body that is your home.
Cushions in my lungs
Blankets in my brain
Kitchen in my heart.
The door is always open
Tables freshly dusted
Windows sparkly clean.
Please, come in.
Leave your ***** dishes in the sink
Put your feet up on the counter.
Scribble on the walls
And drape your clothes on every chair.
Please, mess me up inside.

Did you know
that if you text yourself
you both send the message
and get the response?
It's nice to know
that at least one person
will always respond.

Love, despair, loss, desire.
I imagine them so deeply
that when I blink them away,
I almost forget that they're fantasy.
Have I really never loved her,
lost them?
Have I truly not felt even a fraction
of that emotion that just engulfed me?

You ask me to open up,
But I don't understand.
Have I not let down my walls for you?
Have I not let you into the deepest parts
of my heart and soul,
entrusted you with the darkest part of my being,
by letting you read my poetry?