All I wanted was happiness
I tried to find it in anything
And I found it
In bad desicions
In despair
That happiness was not a real one
It was only a mask, a cheap happiness
That lasts for an hour or so
Until you need more
It comes in many forms
From powder to liquid
But in reality it is not worth it
Cheap happiness
Destroys even the smallest bit of hope
You have in yourself

Tell me this is not the end
I don't want things to end this way
My hands are numb
I am losing breath
Panic attack
Getts in my way
I am spiraling
My emotions all around
Somehow it feels like the end
But it is just another nightmare night
And tomorrow will be another shiny day
Until the night falls down again

Walking around the places
All I see are blurry faces
Am I out of my mind?
Because I do not feel real
Body and soul are saparated
I am levitating above my body
I do not feel alive anymore

Thoughts racing
Pupils dilated
Put on my eyeliner
On ****** eyes
No sleep for nights
Red lipstick
Sweet smell of parfume
To cover the smoke
Sun shines on my pale skin
My whole body shaking
And then I realise
And then I greet
Another manic episode

I became an addict at such a young age
I just wanted to numb the pain
Calling doctor every week or so
For a new prescription
Lying to my family that I am fine
Tears and sweat soaking my shirt
Flashbacks become alive
Withdrawals make it worse
I just need to survive another night
Through this burning hole

I am falling apart
Into tiny little pieces
Like when a glass shatters
You cannot fix it
I am falling apart
And you cannot fix me

I am so tired
I am so drowned out by my thoughts
And then I ask myself
Where were you when I needed you
You choose everyone else
I was always your last choice
Your lies were so soft so easy to believe in
At first
Then you just kept breaking me
And now
I am dissapearing like a ghost

Show me all your scars and bruises
I want to know your story
Did anyone prepare you for life?
Do you sleep at night?
What do you dream of?
Who did this to you and why?
Can you handle it?
Will you be able to hold on?
Tell me all your stories
I want to know how much we can handle
Did someone take your inner child away?
Did you make someones soul die?
Did you make your own soul die?
Are you scared of life?
Tell me all
How do you feel?
Tell me about love, God and life
I wonder when my time will come
What will be mine last exit

I fake a smile
And everyone is happy
I fake a laugh
And they laugh with me
I am so tired of having a mask
Underneath a mask
At the night I take every mask off
Smile turns into frown
Laugh turns into a scream
Shiny eyes turn into ****** red ones

Where were you
When I was at my lowest
Love me when I am happy
Hate me when I am sad
I miss you
But I don't need you

Trying to figure out my purpose
I can not name one thing
Nohing on my mind
Just these voices screaming
Making me an empty shell
What is life for me?
Do I have any in me left?
Child inside of me died
Long time ago
When men put their hands
Where they don't belong
Child died inside of me
When pills became only source
Child died inside of me
When voices became loud
Child died inside of me
When door started to scream
And bugs crawled all over my skin

So many years
So many tears
My body is like a rose
But thorns keep ripping apart my skin
They grow around my body
Pricking my skin
Pricking my soul
Pouring more blood on my wounds

Reach the goal
Cold hands hold me
Bony hands hold me
Freezing from your hugs
Stomach hurts - just for fun
Eyes are dull
Brain is foggy
Numbers keep falling

wires in my head
acid runs through my veins
my body moves by thread
thy got me
they got me
they got me
now i am like the rest of them
lonely marionette

You don't want me
When I am happy
You don't want me
When I am sad
You only call me
When you need
Your sick pleasure
You only call me
When your loneliness
Eats you up inside out

There is a guest in the back of my mind
In the middle of the night
Where sleep is kicking me in
He comes in without knocking
His steps are silent yet harsh
His voice is raspy yet calm
His words make wounds
All over my body
Yet we still sip the drinks
Talking and talking and then the fight begins
Fight of life and death
Sometimes I wonder who he is
But while listening to his harsh ****** words
I see
I feel
I know
It is my mother coming to see me
Coming to break me once again

I started using again
Needed distraction
Needed happiness
Needed the buzz
I started using again
Replaced my mind with a pill
One two three four
After that I lost the count
Cigarettes burn my lungs
I breath in and breath out
But I still suffocate
In my own despair

it was walking on a hot pavement
with bare feet
it was screaming into the darkness
waiting for someone to show up
it was cold hands and steady walks
through woods and uncovered paths
it was finding hope
in smallest shapes
it was laughs and smiles
among broken people
it was fading away
with the sun going down
it was a small light
shining from the candle
it was a fear of being abandoned
of being left all alone
powerful word
small yet powerful hope
that keeps us going on

One pill
Panic attack stops
Two pills
Anxiety goes
Three pills
I am high up in the clouds
Four pills
Who am I?

I miss my family
or maybe I miss the abuse
I miss my family
or maybe
I miss the smell of alcohol
Coming from my fathers mouth
I miss my family
or maybe
I miss all the screaming
I miss my family
Because I do not know any different
Because trauma lives inside of me
They ruined me
A small child
Yet I still miss them
I just want to be loved

I hate you
Come and hug me
I hate you
I melt from the taste of your lips
I hate you
Don't leave me

I sit on my chair
Looking at the vase
With dried flowers
Sitting there for days
So do I
We share looks
We share the pain
We share the agony
Of no one caring

Sweating
Freezing
Tears
Numb body
Cannot move
Cannot breath
I just want to be
Free

Something died in me today
When tears started falling down
By themselves
Something died in me today
When my soul started screaming for help
Something died in me today
And I will never be the same again

I need a hug
hug so tight
even though it may break my bones
I need a hug
someone to hug me
someone to never let me go
someone to make my cold body warm
someone who will make my soul smile
I just need a hug

somewhere between places
I will run into a river
that will carry me to another place
to escape all the lies he told me
to escape all the voices that make me feel like I am a burden
to escape all the pain I feel
to escape this mad world I am in
wishing I could stay there forever
in my own peace of mind
in my magicland

I miss your smile
I miss the person you were
How did we fall apart so fast
How did the jar broke so easily
I miss you
I miss us
I miss my crazy self
I miss how you used to be
Maybe love is not meant for me

I was a child
I knew nothing
Until you touched me
Until you showed me
How much this world is cruel
How much you can do a damage to your child

You ruin me
You make me smile
You break promises
You make me cry
A bird told me you are sorry
But when will I hear it from you?

You promise all the time
You break them all the time
But I still love you
I still care
But how can I
Bring all the pieces together back
When it is broken on thousand sides

You don't look at me
Like I look at you
Am I a burden to you?
I did not choose this illness
So why do you blame me
Why do you break everything
Every promise
Every word
Falls down the drain

I ran away from home
Home that was so cold
Freezing my soul
I ran away from home
Now the past is haunting me
Now traumas follow me
Leaving me out of breath

the rose will not bloom again
only that will be left
are thorns that are wrapped around my body
pushing into my skin
bleeding blood
filled with agony

this life
in waves
up and down like up on a rollercoaster
all the time
manic and depressed
round and round and round
stop this
please
i lost my youth
to hospitals and pills
i don't want to be sick

This hell that consumes me
Gets the best of me
What have I done to put up with this suffering
Months of depression
And then light shines bright
Welcome to the manic world voices said
There is no exit
From this cycle
It is like being buried alive
Crying and screaming
Laughing and running all over the world

I am hungry
Tired
Nicotine addicted
Smell of cigarettes take over my room
I am starving and I should keep on going
Punish myself for all I did
For all you did to me
I cannot sleep
I cannot eat for comfort
I need to smoke most of the time away
My heart is beating too fast
Or no at all

I never wanted this.
I never wanted this hell upon me but she just grabbed me in her cold bony arms. She hugged me so tight and she would not let go. I am so **** cold. I cannot move anymore. I cannot run. She is eating my soul and my body away. Her lifeless cold eyes seemed so warm to me. She was my friend and my lover. She played me over and dragged me into this wretched hole. Thoughts would repeat all over_
I am fat
I am fat
I am fat
I believe her words. She brain washed my brain thinking into it that she is always right. She must be.

I breath in and out
That is what makes me alive, huh?
And my flesh
My bones
My blood
My pumping heart makes me human
But what is m soul made of?
It is not colorful like it used to be
It is not bright like others
Indeed it is barely alive with bleeding holes
It has all my pain
All my suffering
And every new knife that stabs my back
Makes a new hole

People are like newfound plants in the nature
They can be so beautiful
Yet so poisonous
Sometimes they are dull
Yet so productive and kind
Kind in a plant world
And people in human world
But you will never know who they really are
Unless you come close
And touch them
Unless you take a big risk
And spill your thoughts to a stranger

Drained tears on your face
Will remain unseen
Their story unheard
Throat closed
And then
Everyone will go on with their work
Even you and your shattered body
Listen to that mind of ours
Darkest part of your soul

Night is coming to an end
The Sun will rise again
My eyes still wide open
Similar to an owl
Looking out at the sky
Those beautiful colors
Falling on each other
Maybe one day
They will give me freedom
They will give me peace

I am a beautiful disaster
Made of pouring rain and rainbow
M colors will make the pavement shine
Rain left in my soul
Broken dreams and hopes
But I will try
And the rainbow will rise
It will shine
Shine with colors living in me
Colors once washed away from my childhood

Flowers in the park
See everything
First kisses
First broken hearts
Old people feeding birds
Kids playing in the sand
The know all of their stories
But nobody knows theirs

Show me all your scars and bruises
I want to know your story
Did anyone prepare you for life?
Do you sleep at night?
What do you dream?
Who did this to you and why?
Can you handle it?
Will you be able to hold on?
Tell me all your stories
I want to know how much we can handle
Did someone take your child away?
Did you make someone's soul die?
Did you make your own soul die?
Are you scared of life?
Tell me all
How do you feel?
Tell me about love, God and life
I wonder when my time will come
What will be mine last exit