There is a guest in the back of my mind
In the middle of the night
Where sleep is kicking me in
He comes in without knocking
His steps are silent yet harsh
His voice is raspy yet calm
His words make wounds
All over my body
Yet we still sip the drinks
Talking and talking and then the fight begins
Fight of life and death
Sometimes I wonder who he is
But while listening to his harsh ****** words
I see
I feel
I know
It is my mother coming to see me
Coming to break me once again

I started using again
Needed distraction
Needed happiness
Needed the buzz
I started using again
Replaced my mind with a pill
One two three four
After that I lost the count
Cigarettes burn my lungs
I breath in and breath out
But I still suffocate
In my own despair

it was walking on a hot pavement
with bare feet
it was screaming into the darkness
waiting for someone to show up
it was cold hands and steady walks
through woods and uncovered paths
it was finding hope
in smallest shapes
it was laughs and smiles
among broken people
it was fading away
with the sun going down
it was a small light
shining from the candle
it was a fear of being abandoned
of being left all alone
powerful word
small yet powerful hope
that keeps us going on

One pill
Panic attack stops
Two pills
Anxiety goes
Three pills
I am high up in the clouds
Four pills
Who am I?

I miss my family
or maybe I miss the abuse
I miss my family
or maybe
I miss the smell of alcohol
Coming from my fathers mouth
I miss my family
or maybe
I miss all the screaming
I miss my family
Because I do not know any different
Because trauma lives inside of me
They ruined me
A small child
Yet I still miss them
I just want to be loved

I hate you
Come and hug me
I hate you
I melt from the taste of your lips
I hate you
Don't leave me

I sit on my chair
Looking at the vase
With dried flowers
Sitting there for days
So do I
We share looks
We share the pain
We share the agony
Of no one caring