Here’s some Xanax for the anxiety caused by the Adderall that you got for not being able to focus as a side effect of the anti-depressants prescribed to you for the depression caused by a low nutrient, snake oil infused society.

Why do I...
Rely on tomorrows,
Loathe in secret sorrows.
Why do I...
Pretend like this time is borrowed,
As if this isn't the real thing...
It's practice, that must be what I think.

Why do I, when I know it's not true?

Another lifetime,
My friend then you were..
When we were 730 days old,
We had been placed in the same social circle.
Our parents were around one another,
Therefore so were we.
Countless hours spent together
None that I can recall..
Just the general idea of it all
Separated for some time,
Since your parents lived somewhere different than mine.
You became a memory in my mind,
Barely there, somewhere hidden way behind
But still, you were there..
Somewhere.

From my mental you appeared
Into my physical, you became visual
It felt oddly visceral
You were not something I learned,
Yet something I knew
You knew as did I,
When we first spoke again
About the time we've spent,
Both of us knew we no longer "knew" that time,
Just a memory of our minds.
Cordial we soon became,
Through shared friends during summer school breaks.

Fast forward sometime..
Follow it down the straight line
Springtime, I believe it was
Or maybe fall
What time of year do teens start school again?
Might have thought spring,
From recalling nostalgias of that time
Growth and blooming
Nature's prime-time
Just the right time,
When the earth is perfectly distanced from the sun.
Placed together once again
This time by algorithmic (g)odds.
This time was different
The choice was now ours,
We chose to "spend time"
We chose to treat each other like kin
We chose to respect each other, and trust one another
We chose to become very close.
I thought you were visually stimulating
Though there were no ****** tensions,
No physical intentions
Simple acquaintance elation,
Good relations.

I upset the bond,
I messed up.
Without giving it much thought,
I leaked a clue to a secret I did not know was so "secret."
Not knowing what it meant to you,
I came to find out what I meant to you..
A lot less than I thought I meant to you.
Becoming the victim of a public shun,
Our time seperate had begun.
I was sorry for what I dropped,
But wasn't aware of the weight it held.
I was ashamed
Ashamed of me,
Ashamed of you.

I thought I'd give time a breath
Let it have a little stretch
Letting it go,

..
Not knowing it would never return.

Are you running from me..
Like i'm running from you?
Are you thinking of me
How i'm thinking of you?
Telling yourself it won't work out..
It must be "too good to be true."
Are you using excuses for me
Like I am for you?
Too this, too that, not enough _.
Are you uneasy with the warm feelings,
wishing instead to stay blue.
Are you stumped like I am
Wanting to reach out,
But thinking "maybe I should wait a few?"
Not wanting to suffocate you..
Are you down 4 me like i'm down 4 you?

..Are you?

I'll be in the woods, but you won't need me. When I find the wood guarded by scarcity I too will steal, yet I will only take the milk that has already been liberated.

Los Angeles: The air available here is no longer adaptable, my lungs have not evolved like the rest and my filter is getting full, it’s getting complicated to breathe. The chemicals are no longer reacting like they are supposed to. I used up all the gas, the batteries too. I try to wind-up, pull the string, re-charge. These sources no longer work, I need something new. The wiring seems off, the lights sometimes flicker, rarely staying bright for long. I tried replacing the crank, yet there was not enough electricity to put it into rotation. I called for a tow-truck but it never showed, I pumped up my tires and pushed but I still could not roll. I opened the door, starting my journey to the woods…which I hope still exist.

They look and see
The quiet surface of me,
Slight waves of personality.

They don't know what I hide
How strong my tide.
The depth of my sea,
They simply cannot see.

They will never be
able to swim to my depths,
or reach my upmost steps
Couldn't possibly stay afloat when I've wept.

To see what lives in the deep darkness of me,
There is not enough breath to explore beneath chest.

I am a labyrinth.. I confess.

Cooking up styles
Master Recipes,
For no one to see.
The people are at the shore
I'm stuck at sea,
Barely floating
Almost choking
Mind infected,
Hoping for a resurrection.
I've got all the skill
But, I'm missing the will.
It's been too long waiting for change
It won't find me...
I am stuck at sea.

As this heart beats and my mind thinks,
Battlefields are taking place inside of me.
Two main teams:
The Soul-Mind versus Flesh-Life.
Pirates and Sailors both floatin the same ship.
Peace, sometimes...though mostly misery,
As I attempt to find calm at sea.
The oppositions create distance with the teams,
As they've come to disrupt my woken dreams.
Which one is right, I often think.
Two of the same,
The same are not two.
There is no sense to be made.
We trade, we trade, playing this game.
We are yet to know that in the end...

All is the same.

If there comes a day
When death takes me away
I want no sorrow,
I wasn't built to stay.

If there comes a day
When my body is put to lay
I need you to smile
With no delay.
I used up my color,
All that was left turned gray.

If there ever comes a day
When I look like a stray or exist far away,
You should justly know
The world never heaped it's weight
And that...
I want it to be this way.

The blood that runs through me
Running deep,
Through every artery

When he speaks, I hear me
The silent scream of humility,
The whisper of sensitivity.
Passion, curiosity,
Refusing complexity;
I know he wonders great mysteries:
What is this, what are we?

He is the tree
I am the fruit...
His father the roots.

I am his blood, he is me

We are one,
Traveling different possibilities
Roles reversing
Floating the same sea.

He is my maker,
I must be his keeper

My fathers blood runs free.

I used to laugh and giggle
For no reason at all
I used to spit and expend,
Not caring how much you saw.
I was given food and clothes,
Without asking the type.
I would learn from anyone around,
Whatever the hype.
I would play on the grass
Without a worry for anything in sight.
I used talk to young and old
Without the slightest peek of a fight.
I used to not know,
How little it was that I knew
Now I wish I never learned,
Because I want to feel a laugh without reason
For that is the best reason of all.

Sometimes
I still think of you.
Most times
You're here in with me.
Head or heart
In both, sometimes apart
..Forever the heart.

I wish I could just say 'hi'
And tell you
That at times I go back,
Reminiscing on you and I.
I need to tell you
That when I said that "I will love you..
Always, no matter what"
That I really meant it,
Standing the test of time.

I wanted to tell you that if you still really feel
Everything I feel..
Then I must to apologize for all the Agony.
The negative emotions,
The way I look but don't see.
And all of the too many thoughts I still have.
The fears & Energy...
I hope they're far from you my dear.

**** I still love you.
**** it hurts so bad.

I fear crashing into you,
For my heart will be totaled.
I can't know
If you're happy or sad,
Both would be equally bad.
I can't see your skin,
The freckles running down your arm.
I wouldn't be able to look
Into your eyes
See your soft thighs,
My insides would just stop working, die.

I fear you having negative
or false thoughts towards me,
Thinking that I moved on.
I'm so afraid that you're still hurting,
Like I'm hurting.
There is no one,
no where to move past you.
I need you to know that
You are still my number one,
Forever.
I changed with you,
You became a piece of my soul
Which I could never erase,
I wouldn't want to.

Please know
I'm still here,
Thinking you're beautiful
Even though I've seen your ugly.
Precious girl,
I wish I could tend to you
When you're down.
I wish I could see you up..
Smiling,
But I really can't.

If you thought differently,
I need you to know,
It was you,
It was me.

How silly,
I still care for you..
More than anyone.
My blood, it's you,
My sight, it's you.
My vision of  Love,
It will remain..
You.

Even if you have moved on
I need you to know that
I still am deeply in love with you.
Not rivers deep,
And not oceans deep.
Not even galaxies deep,
Or the universe deep.

It's black hole deep,
Only we know what's in
That black hole.
Nothing can or will ever compare.

Please know.

They all think it's me that's worried.
They don't know it's them I'm worried for...
They never will.
The clay has already set and hardened within the cast.
It has been fired and glazed,
How 'conventional' it was made.
The product can no longer be remolded, unless we break it
Shatter it on the floor, pick up the pieces
And try to...+pursue- to put them back together.
Held now together within a different set of rules,
Same shape different glue.
It's you, It's you.

It is more important to love than to be loved,
It is more important to be loved than to love.
It means more to care than to be cared for,
It means more to be cared for than to care.
It is more meaningful to think of someone than to be thought of,
It is more meaningful to be thought of than to think of someone.
It is purpose that gives my life meaning,
It is life that gives purpose a meaning.
Is it myself that makes me feel alive,
Is it you that makes me feel alive.
What is it?
The word it…
What is the word “it”?
It is better to be idolized than to idolize,
Is it better to idolize than to be idolized.
It is satisfying to influence the world,
Without the world influencing you.
It is, It is.
I am sure of it.

Fire or Ice
I  choose to burn
Rise out this hell
Into the heavens
Float into the light
Absorbed, consumed
Spirit carried by smoke
Becoming a part of the cosmos
A grander scale
I pray for clear skies
Blankets of evil will try to bring me back down,
as the son of ice
To confirm my burial in hell
Yet I will sprout
Disguised once again
My branches will continue to reach
For the light I will become
With the light I will grow
Fire I am,
Ice I consume
I convert
I digest
I rise.


   ...I will always Rise.

Look at me with honest eyes
Make love to me with shaking thighs
Speak words that you only mean
Make the same mistakes, but enjoy the in between
Listen to my every word
I will listen back, make sure your voice is heard
You might lose but never fail
If you need a hand, I will be your bail
When there's no option but to cry
I will be your tissue, and make you dry
So love me but not only with your heart...
You are my subject, let's make this art.

Risk for A Remedy
A risk for a remedy
Sounds like a fair trade to me
The cure can come from speed
Or relief tasted by a ****
A risk is what it takes
The cure lies in the size of the stakes.