I forget, I suppose
That depression is triggered too
And in myself
Nothing does it as well
As being alone

I can’t believe it
I almost couldn’t finish
Because you... you were in my head
I nearly cried!
Flooded with dopamine
And you made me cry
I still miss you, **** it!
Your absence has left my heart torn
YOU LEFT ME ALONE

You’re no good for me
I’ll only hurt you
But my stupid little heart
It got attached
It desperately wants you close

I miss you
I love you
And I’m so... I’m so sorry...

The most frightening words
That make me writhe in agony
Sick to my innermost core
Scared for my life
Terrified for my sanity
Distrusting my own mind
Hopelessly paralyzed
Wanting to *****
Craving pain as punishment
Desperately confused
Distrusting of my own thoughts
Hating my very existence

If I crash to the ground
Shattering like fine china
And lie broken on the street
Would you bother to notice?
Do you know me well enough
To know it was my own fault?
Would you still pick me up
And help glue me together?

I can’t breathe
My body is tense and trembling
Tears rolling down my face
Which I cover with my hands
I can’t open my eyes
My head is racing
I can’t think
Just hold me
Wrap your arms around me
Pull me in close
You know you don’t need to say anything
I just need you
Make me feel safe again
Just let me be in your embrace
Until my heartbeat slows
The tears cease
And once again
I can breathe

I want to write a love song
A beautiful ode to someone
Who cares for me so deeply
Someone I could give my heart
Someone I'd give the power
To break it
But I can't
Because I don't know how
I've never felt it before
I've never been held by a man
I've never been chosen
I'm not the one people choose
But I'd love to be
And until then
Love will sicken me

How do people do it?
How do they stay alive?
There’s nothing there
There’s nothing here
It’s cold and it’s empty
It’s lonely here
I’m so... I’m so alone...
And it’s breaking me
Because I can’t see it
I can’t see myself being happy
I can’t see myself loving someone
I can’t see myself with a career
I can’t see myself smiling sincerely again
Because every **** thing inside me
It’s in agony
It hurts to see people laugh
It hurts to see them together
It hurts to see them motivated
It hurts to see them hope
It hurts to see them love
Because it’s such a deeply painful reminder
That I don’t have those things
And I don’t think I ever will
I see myself alone
Struggling
Medicated
And perpetually suffering

So I just... I just don’t get it...
How do people do it?
How do they stay alive?
How do they enjoy anything?
I don’t.... I don’t understand...

She’s afraid of progress
Will it mean she forgets?
Abandoning the part of her who suffered?
She wants to hold her close
Embraced in healing, love, growth
But for that part of herself
It’s still happening
She’s still suffering
She’s still struggling
And the tighter she’s held by safety
The louder she screams that she’s not safe

I don’t want to be sober
I’d give anything to get out of my head

How is it
That just about anyone
Can get just about anything
Except me
I’d take anything
And I have nothing

This entire house feels unstable
My life is shaking
As are my hands
Nothing is certain
Nothing is safe
Why... why doesn’t home ever feel safe?

I need a release
To feel something sharp
But if in my hand
I clutch the cup with ice
It burns cold
Through my palm
I feel it spreading
It aches and it hurts
My hand going red,
But there’s no blood

I lust after anything
That offers so much as a hope
That it could quiet the chaos
And ease the pain

You’ve spent so long
Fighting with yourself
Feeling absolutely everything
And sometimes nothing at all

You can’t hide from that pain
You can’t run
But I used to believe
That it would never leave me

I’m not sure anymore
I think maybe
I can see a life free of it
But for now,
It’s right behind me
Waiting for me to trip

and then i remember
there’s nothing for me here

Everything is cold
Covered in blankets
I feel I ought to see my breath
But the ice is inside me
Freezing the blood in my veins
Stopping my heart
Numbing me from the inside out
I can’t move
Can’t think
And when I do
It’s about my end

Perhaps I’m so terrified
That I might still be alive
I’ll do anything
To prove myself wrong

I sang into the wind
As I stood on the hill
Looking down
Into, across, over
The places I’ve lived
Worked, learned, slept
Were all down there
Somewhere in the valley
And my voice left my throat
And floated off with the wind
Across all my homes
Across my life
And I realized I could see it all
Right there in front of me
And I didn’t know what to do
With that realization
So I kept singing
Into the wind

I'm the one you'll leave
I'm the one you'll forget
I'll fade from your memory
You'll never text
You'll never call
You won't care what happens to me next
(As long as it isn't too tragic or exciting)
I'm the one.
You won't remember my name
You won't know my face
Because I never really mattered to you
To any of you!
So just... just forget me
I know  you will anyway
And your forgetfulness
Your apathy
Your disinterest
Is the reason my wrist is bleeding

I really... It’s getting harder...
I don’t want my scars to fade
I want to see...
I want to see the blood on my wrist
The pain won’t be ignored
I can’t move on
Can’t go forward
There’s still illness in me
Even when I smile

I’m sad and empty
Everything you all do ****** me off
Because you’re all so blind
You don’t see I’m dying in front of you
And if you’d just bother to look up
For one moment
You’d see that I’m really really not okay
Everything you get angry about
These are symptoms
Because I’m ill
And you’re so stupid
So selfish
That you just can’t see it
You can’t see me
Which simply confirms the suspicion
I am alone.

She’s never been loved
Not even close
So many she’s wanted
None reciprocated
And the thought
Creeps into her mind
With a growing persistence
As the years roll by
“Is there something wrong with me?”
But she’s known for so long
The answer is most certainly
A definitive
“Yes.”

i keep doing this
keep damaging myself
just let me get a little worse...
let’s make this real
so i’m in a bit of trouble

come to me
care for me
nurse me to health
stay my quaking hands
keep me from harm
insist upon your care
you know i won’t do it myself
then when you’re done
come lay beside me
wrap your arms around me
let me feel the safety of your embrace
where i can finally find some rest...

I so desperately wish
That I could stop caring
I'm clinging to things
I don't want to worry about
People who don't know me
I just want to stop!
I want to freeze time
So I can take a break
From thinking
From breathing
Because right now
I'm just looking for moments
That offer escape
I'm chasing sensations
That remind me I'm destructible
That let my mind be freed
But I can't let go of everything else
Long enough to wade into
The destruction that beckons me
I want it
I want to lose it all
I want to be finished
At least for a while

I miss you, my friend
I miss the days we were inseparable
You lift my spirits
You remind me to smile
Not to be so serious
Not to be so selfish
But our lives have grown apart
But I still love you, friend
We have the best of times
We are something special
I’ll see you soon
And again, I will smile

I can’t seem to distract myself long enough
From the gaping, bleeding hole in my heart
Because I don’t have it in me to make friends
I can’t seem to manage to keep the few I find
So here I am, dreadfully alone again
Wondering how I’m going to hide from that fact
Just a little bit longer

If ever I was given the chance
I could love so passionately
I would listen, I would care
I would pour myself into you
I would fall so hard
And I don’t care if it might hurt
Because I hate being alone
I’m dying like this
I wasn’t made to be alone

tw self harm


I really thought maybe I could hold out
But I wanted it so ******* bad
I wanted it to look gross
I wanted strips of red covering my wrist
Wanted thick, garnet droplets
Stinging all over my forearm

I wanted to do damage
To see damage
To look hurt
To feel pain
I needed it
Needed the blood

So I drew it myself
And it ******* hurts
But finally I feel relief

Trigger warning: Self harm, cutting


i wanna savor the stinging sensation
the itchy pain on my left wrist
where my watch will return
to cover it all up

ah but the moment... the rush...
tempting the blade... tracing its paths...
then... without decision or thought
i'd made a mark
and once i'd started....
suddenly two... three... four red lines filled in

i lost count...

but i just wanna sit here
in the pleasure of the pain
and drink in the image
of the red on my left wrist

I'm at a crossroads
Where I can decide
Who I'll be moving on
And everything I am
Everything I've been through
Could either to turn me into
The Perfect Kid or
The Wild Child
And no one's seen the wild
Within my heart yet
But think about it
I'm full of anxiety
I'm full of depression
(I've never seen anyone properly handle either)
I've been shielded from reality
Then had to find it myself
I've been pressurized and pushed
Never encouraged to explore
Afraid of everything
And now I've found a bit of freedom
And I can either follow it
To success or to darkness
And honestly
Success appears so futile and dull
And the darkness is so inviting...

When this is all over
I’ll still be depressed
And if... if I can just make it
A few long months...
I can drink it away

Of course I’m serene
My demeanor is quiet
I’m calm
Because inside
If you could hear inside my head
You’d find endless screaming
Guttural, agonized
Chaotic

So if you want me to function
This is what you get
I’ll stuff my demons inside
And present what I can
But don’t get me wrong,
Most of my energy is spent
Keeping them at bay

I don’t feel like caring
There’s no emotion there anymore
No rush as adrenaline drips into my veins
It’s only in my head
Things I ought to care about
Tasks I should want to do
But caring isn’t physical now
I can’t feel it
Caring is difficult
It takes work to want
Should it be so hard?

What’s it like
To be young and wild
Carefree and a bit reckless
What’s it like to have friends
To party on weekends
To have relationships
Maybe a fling
What’s it like to be normal
Are you all happy like you seem
Because I seem to be dying slowly
And I’m upset with you all
I’m ANGRY
Because you never asked
Never wondered
If maybe
I wanted to be normal too
You just assumed
I was quiet and independent
I wouldn’t want in
Maybe I didn’t
But I do now
Now that I’ve pushed you out of my reach
I tell people how little I really do
They give me sad looks
But never reach out
I’m really rather unhappy
Because it would seem
All chance of happiness
Even just normalcy
Is kept out of my reach

i want to shut down
i want to stop
CEASE
i have to get out....
OUT OF THIS

THIS ISNT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN ANYMORE

HAVE I FAILED???

WHAT DID I DO???

i don't want to tell them...
tell them my symptoms...
because it’s really rather private
why should they get to know??
I DONT WANT YOU TO NUMB ME
and I kinda think... maybe
if i could just shut down
just walk away for a bit
maybe i would be okay
maybe it would all just

go away...

It's so strange
These thoughts that plague me
They seem to be so real
For a little while
I just want to drown myself
In their darkness
I want to lose all composure
I want to dwell in thoughts of dangerous pleasures
Then I wonder
Am I in control?
Do I choose the darkness?
Or am I really a victim of it?
Am I relapsing
Or am I choosing to relive my past?
I don't know
And sometimes I hope I'm a victim
And sometimes I hope it's just me.

What do you do...
When your unconscious mind
Knows what you want....
And it’s so **** destructive
But it almost... almost is trying to coerce you
You’re fantasizing....
About your end....

I miss feeling
I used to feel

EVERYTHING

ALWAYS

And, sure
It was
D                              
                            e         ST                 r
                                                               ­ u c
                                                               ­    t
                                                               ­            I                        
                                       ­                                         V
                      ­                                                                 ­         e
But, ****...
I could     F     E     E     L

Always so high on           E m P At  H y


I'm not supposed to feel
                                              n. u. m. b.


I should say something...
But I.... I can't....
I can't go back
To my
                                                 H  E  L  L

So... I don't know...
Maybe this'll work
I can settle for this...
My three emotions:
                                                HIGH!!!­
empty
                                                          ­                                 &
                                                                ­                                l   o     w.....

At least until I'm finally told
It's time to taper off...

I just wanna keep drinking cause it feels good
It helps
And I know in the morning it’ll all **** again
But right now
Right now I’d just really like to be a lot less sober than I am

There’s always blood on my hands
And it always belongs
To me.

A black cloud
Surrounds my heart and mind
Thoughts slow and dull
Chest thick and heavy
Flashes of nervous lightning
Flicker in my veins
Chaos within this body
I want to run
I want to sleep
I’m burning
And frozen
Paralytic
I don’t know how
To break the trance

Do you want to know why I’m like this?
Do you really want to know what’s wrong?
The problem is you.
It’s all of you.
This is what happens
When you abandon your friends
When you ignore the people around you
When you take advantage of your family

People aren’t designed for that
Humans require community
And as I watch you all
Finding ways to love each other
I sit in quiet jealousy
To not make you feel shame

But to tell you the truth
I’m dying
Depression is eating away at my soul
I can’t survive alone
Not much longer
Not like this

You know what’d be really cool
If someone got close to me
Like... really all the way close
And they made me feel
Necessary
Desired
Irreplaceable
Yeah... that’d be cool...

Nonononono...
I am...
I’m...
I am suicidal

Trigger warning: Self harm, cutting


can't think
read
hear
my mind... it's..... it's buzzing
no thought
just static
perfectly focused
on the lovely blade
dancing around my fingertips
i'm dizzy
anticipation?
excitement?
fear?
i don't care
it feels nice
i'm not thinking
but... the desire
it calls the blade back
to my delicate, smooth wrist
and i haven't decided yet
if i wanna fight