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Emmalee Jun 2018
Someone once told me
That I was beyond
What the night sky
Had to offer.

And like a silly young woman,
Not knowing how beautiful the stars are,
I believed them.

What a mistake that was.
The night sky was beyond what I was. Even just the stars alone.
Emmalee Sep 2017
I was once a flower
Blooming for you
Until my color completely faded
From pink to blue.
My petals were upright,
Incredibly beautiful,
And then at one point,
I started dying for you.

You were like winter,
Cold and blue,
Your words left me wondering,
Who are you?
The brightness I felt
At the beginning of June
Faded to nothingness
Without you.


                         What is a life without you?
Emmalee Feb 2014
Please!
Become mine
Just for tonight.
In the darkness of this hidden room
Allow me to comfort you.
Allow me to become a piece of you.
Allow me,
Myself,
To give you a high,
Make you go to limits.
Allow me to become your game
Just for tonight,
Because tomorrow this confidence
Will be shot once again.
And I will ignore
Tonight
And pretend that it was a dream.
So don't dare to speak to me
In the morning.
I will be gone.
I will be playing someone else's game.
While you go back to her.
Emmalee Apr 2014
She begged for you
Just to love her and inject in her
Her own happy thoughts
Rather than others'.
Instead you gave her complete madness.
And you ruined her with your own perspective.
All she wanted was comfort.
She wanted sanity and purity.
She wanted to be loved.
Instead you gave her wounds in her heart
And slits upon her wrists,
Blood drawing itself from her veins to the floor.
You left her with a scar around her neck,
Her eyes closed and her lips shut
Still waiting for a kiss from you.
It's all she ever wanted, was a kiss from you.
All she ever wanted was
The feeling of adrenaline rushing through her veins
As your bodies interlocked with one another's
And your skin, warm, so warm, eating at each others'.
It's all she ever wanted, and it's nearly impossible now.
All she ever wanted was tape to fix her broken heart
And wine to settle her addiction and fix the glass surrounding it.
All she ever wanted was your laughter
And your hope.
No, she never wanted for herself anything sinful.
She wanted the feelings of you.
She wanted your happiness and satisfaction.
She may have just wanted one thing in life.
She may have wanted your acceptance of her.
She may have wanted you to fully
Take in the flaws that placed over her body
More than most.
It's nearly impossible now,
For her to gain any of that, it is impossible.
Unless there's a hidden trick to devote yourself
To a spirit in the dark,
It's impossible.
And still, as she sleeps for the rest of her years,
That one thought lingers in her mind,
That one possibility eats away at the tissue in her skull,
And until that thought is gone,
She may never escape to heaven or hell.
She will never escape.
She will forever be in pain.
Emmalee Feb 2014
I won't give up on the thought of me and you in the midst of all this confusion.
I won't surrender myself to settle for less than what you've given me in the past.
Instead I will fight, I will ignite this flame which seems to me to be just a hint of desire.
And I will burn the city down with the fire that starts in my heart, in my soul.
I will give it all up- the happiness, the jealousy and the smiles that I once knew.
I will give it all up just to be with only one part of you.
That part I want to know, that part I want help to get into.
Is the heart of a perfect person, the heart of you.
Emmalee Feb 2014
The broken flower;
it lies.
It is crying for oxygen,
water,
just one chance to regain it's beauty.
Although it cries,
the world around it sits
and watches it fall.
It waits for the rain.
It waits for the sun.
But all that broken flower is given...
Night and snow.
Occurrences that split those petals,
into millions,
like a crushed heart,
are all that that flower has to rely on.
It hopes that the ice would melt,
transform into water.
But happiness for that flower
is lost at this point.
And as it breaks
it falls
straight to the ground,
wishing that the seasons could disappear,
and summer would forever take it's path.
Impossible.
But that's what makes it so beautiful to watch.
The suffering has ended for that
broken flower.
Death is life's only true happiness.
Emmalee May 2014
Sometimes loneliness is all this world
Has to feel anymore. Lately it's been
Rotting and decaying before the eyes
Of the billions of people who fill it.
Not only is the sky deteriorating
But the souls as well.
There are way too many broken hearts
To pick this world back up.
There is much chaos in which needs to
Be fixed and reborn.
This world, it has no savior.
This world has no humanity
Even though it is filled with humans themselves.
The brokenness that lies within
Each one of the worlds souls
Is impossible to bring back to life.
Dig
Emmalee Jun 2018
Dig
You held me close,
Although my body
Ached
As your nails dug deep
Into my forearm
Leaving me breathless
And unable to
Pull away.

I ripped away,
Hoping for your nails to slide out
But with my skin
You took a part of me.
I miss your gentle touch.
Emmalee Jun 2018
You followed me
From room to room
Asking what was next.
Was it the fight?
Was it the scowl?
Was it the tears?
Only I knew best.

I wish you knew
That when you followed,
I wept. I begged
For your effort
For your love
For back then.

You followed me
From room to room
Never asking what may be
The reason behind
My insanity,
My sorrow.

I wish you knew
That it was you.
Your empty heart,
Your black and blues.
Your hurtful words
Your hidden clues.

You followed me
From room to room
And never once
Did you say sorry.
Never once
Did you mean it.

I wish you knew
That I was broken
Into not one, but two.
I wish you knew
How far my feelings,
They flew,
For you, for this room.

I wish you had opened
A page or two.
Why did you never ask?
Emmalee Jul 2014
"They aren't as beautiful
as you think," he says.
But they are.
They are so beautiful
That I have nothing more than the urge
To go and create them once again.
I want to watch the dark blood race from them
And see my weights get carried along in the process.

"But they are," I say.
"They are the most beautiful things
That rest upon my body."

He smiles and pulls my sleeve
Back down over them.
"Could it be that you're insane?"

I may indeed be insane,
But right now I feel completely sane.
"Maybe," I say.

His hands wrap around both of mine
And he sits down next to me.
Even though only our hands are touching,
I feel like every inch of our body is interlocked.
I feel his soul bury it's way through mine.
"If you're insane,
I suppose I'm drawn toward insanity."
Emmalee Oct 2014
Rather than dealing with drugs,
Dealing with the pain and change,
We are dealing with our own words.
We exchange them so secretly,
Like a drug dealer and his client,
Hoping for not one word repeated.
We smoke away the worries
Of somebody finding out about us.
In the back of our mind,
That scare is still relevant.
My body aches for more,
But the fear inside of me-
It may be just a little much to cope with.
Would I rather be in trouble
Or whispering into your ear again,
Begging for your last dose?
Emmalee Nov 2014
It's like a terrifying drug,
One that pulls you in further
And further
And even further
Until you're addicted and
There is absolutely no way out.
The ****** that escapes itself
From my cold and ****** slits
Laying parallel on my forearms
Is so comforting and normal.
My ******* up mind,
It leaves me with no recognition
As to what is going on
In the present time of my life.
I'm addicted to the pain and torture
That these cuts seem to take away.
Emmalee Sep 2018
I once thought
That being in love
Was better than
Being alone

And then I realized
That with love
Sometimes comes tears
And an empty bed at night

Oh what a world it would be
If love could exist
Without any sadness
Any insanity

A blooming of cold nights
And cigarette smoke
Tend to be what love is
To me

And with you
I have found love
But have also learned
That love is not what I thought it would be
What ever happened to the honeymoon phase?
Emmalee Jun 2018
I scare myself sometimes
When I look you in the eyes
And see myself as something
Just as beautiful
As you do.
Emmalee Sep 2017
He placed his hand around my neck,
He whispered, "say my name."
But the most confusing part is that
I didn't know his name at all.

Although I didn't know his name,
I didn't care in the very least.
I wanted his body, on top of mine,
Just like I had in my dreams.

He still gripped my neck,
But rather than fear,
Lust shivered down my spine
And my lips quivered for more.

My eyes filled with passion,
And my legs clenched in the air
As his whispers went from my neck
Down to my thighs.

What a high this feeling was,
What adrenaline this offered.
I admired the beauty of my fingers
Wrapped around his scalp.

And for a moment, just for one,
I lost myself.
Emmalee Feb 2014
Why not just
Crush me
Break me more
Because I'm broken glass.
I can't be fixed
I'm shattered into millions
And all that is left of me
Are the few sparkles,
Soon to be thrown away.
So just do it
Push me
Shove me
Sweep me from my sorrow
And throw me away.
It was your fault anyway.
Emmalee Sep 2017
The feeling went away
But never did you
You stuck like glue
To the sole of my shoe.

You left me tired
You left me blue
But lately I
Don't think of you.
Emmalee Sep 2017
I followed my heart
And it led me to you
But at the end of the road
You were cold and blue
You weren't awake
You weren't even you
Instead you were gone
And with wings you flew
You flew to the sky
You were becoming brand new
But my heart nearly sank
From losing you
I didn't realize
How much a person goes through
When losing the only one
That ever loved you
Emmalee Sep 2017
Our hearts were buried
Beneath the waves.
My broken heart
Was turning gray.
You never felt sorry,
You never went away.
But the hardest part
Was watching you stay.
Emmalee Oct 2014
What if we were to be
Locked inside a room
Where one of us had to pull the trigger?

*Would you **** me?
Emmalee Jun 2018
I wish you had wanted me
Half as much
As I wanted you.
I wish you had known
That your words, they stung
They were a bee's stinger to
Bare skin- they dug.
Those words dug,
Below the surface
Until bleeding occured.
I wish you had wanted me
Just one half as much
As I wanted you.
I needed you.
Emmalee Apr 2014
I wonder if this
Has any meaning to it.
I wonder if my fight for you
Is worth it in the end.
What if I have spent these years
Reliant on the future of us
And created a miserable path for myself?
I don't regret the times we've spent
Or the words we've said,
But what if they mean nothing in the end?
Time will tell, but the sickness in my
Body from waiting for you has
Reached it's limit,
And I feel the virus aching through me.
I may die tonight, tomorrow, ten years from now, or maybe seventy.
But if I am to live for long,
What was the point of focusing on You, and only you?
If I am to live a short span,
What was the good that came from
This bitter situation?
Will I live in hell with closure?
I cannot say I will.
I will live there still in love with you,
Hoping that when you join me
You may admit to loving me as well.
And we can fight the devil together.
Emmalee Feb 2014
Maybe it's because
The only thing I had
At that time was the smile
And eyes you seem to
Portray so well.

I still can't get over
Those broken lies
I so secretly wanted
To believe all because
They came from you.

I miss those moments,
The person I once
Knew to be my savior,
My escape,
My hope and dignity.

But everything is
Completely lost
And proven to be
The biggest lie of them all.
With no happy ending.
Emmalee Oct 2014
He grabs me in his arms,
And for a moment I feel insecure.
My body is frightened, maybe
Just a little more than my mind.
Without warning, he makes me
Feel more complete and beautiful.
And I find myself falling into him.
It's such a joke, for me to feel
Even the slightest bit of confidence.
But with him I feel it all.
He leans into my ear and whispers,
"Hold on."
These two words have haunted me
Ever since the first day we
Locked our bodies.
It's frightening how two words
Can make you want so much more.
Emmalee Sep 2017
They say that home is where the heart is
But when has my heart ever steered me in the right direction?
I believe it to be that my heart has had its faults.
My heart has leaned me toward the past
And prevented me from moving forward.
My heart has betrayed me, loving someone
Who never, not once, loved me.

So how can I call something
I barely even know myself,
A home?

Home is where the heart is to some,
But to me, the heart is where I become numb.
Emmalee Sep 2017
He pulled me in a dark room,
Lightened by only the sparkle in his eye,
And quickly I awoke
From what I thought was a dream.

My eyes pondered at him,
Wondering where his next touch would be,
And my mind raced to find the zipper on his jeans.
And that was it.

Quickly, clothes poured like rain,
From the ceiling to the tiled floors,
In which I found myself so cold,
So bare against.

But the warmth of his body was all I needed
To satisfy me.
His heavy breath and subtle sighs
Left a trail of goosebumps just upon my thighs.

And my heart fluttered,
Or rather, it skipped a few beats,
When his precious waves,
Flew in so deep.

He was panting, waiting to turn
His waves into a hurricane.
But with a hurricane comes rain,
So he held back this desire.

As the pressure of the current
Became too intense to control,
He pulled back from his hurricane
And let it explode.
Emmalee Nov 2014
My body shakes with thoughts
Of the lies and manipulation
That my loved ones seem to find
So amusing, so satisfying.
To feel better about themselves
Is all they mourn for and desire.
I'm becoming insane with the thought
Of purely disappearing and never
Speaking one word more of what
My life had become, or what it could be.
I am lost and shaken with the idea
That maybe someday I can find
Complete closure and satisfaction
In the life that I so effortlessly call mine.
Emmalee Oct 2014
I know the simplicity
Of walking down a dirt road,
The smell of the air opening your lungs,
Your hand in his.

I know the agony
Of parting after dark,
Your lips shaking from that last kiss
You so dearly wanted to hold forever.

I know the trembling
Of skin that is cold,
Waiting for his jacket to swoop over you,
And bury you in it's scent.

I know the fire
Of a heart and mind,
When you see him holding
Another in his arms, genuinely.

I know the beat,
Of his favorite song,
Which I hated when I first heard.
My opinion has changed, because it is a reminder of you.

I know the vibration,
Of his Adam's apple,
When he speaks the words
"I love you," calm and tenderly.

I thought I knew the person
That I thought you were.
Emmalee Oct 2014
Whispers arise from the sidewalks.
There are footprints stained into
The concrete where my feet gently stand.
Glancing into the distance,
I realize that many people have walked this path before.
Once I thought that I was the only one.
These people, were they once as broken as I am?
Do any of these faded souls still stroll
Down this cracked path, as I do?
These voices whispering into my head
Are telling me that I shouldn't be here.
This is the wrong path to take.
Like I always have, and always will,
I have ignored their requests and continued with my journey.
The stars are behind clouds tonight.
There is no light in the sky,
But there is in fact a bright image
At the end of this broken road.
Footsteps are slowing down.
Prints of prescience are turning around.
Should I continue, or should I twist my posture
And make my way back to the beginning?
Should I listen to those voices that have warned me?
My left foot seeps into the ground once more,
Before I make my decision.
Emmalee Oct 2014
The dark of the night
Can bury hidden thoughts
That no one has known before.

It can hold in memories
That have never escaped
And are stuck within.

The night can bring sadness
That you thought had never been there
Until the stars slowly fade.

Whispers of the night
Can tell you things that have
Been stuck in the wind for years.

Salvations that have been lost
Are brought back to vision
And escape from your soul.

The night tends to pull a person
In so deeply that there is no escape,
Until the sun shines again.

Blood races it's way through skin,
Tears form their way into vision,
In the dark of the night.
Emmalee Oct 2014
I used to want nothing
              More than the slits upon my wrists
And the tears that fell from my cheeks.
              I wanted nothing more than pain.
But now I want something else.
              I want to be loved and know
What it feels like to be wanted.
              I want to be happy and smile
When our hands are locked and feet
              Are touching as we sleep.
I want to lay with you, and tell you
              How much I truly love you.
I want to know what everything means.
Emmalee Mar 2014
His broken smile
Is what kills me on the inside.
           Cry me, cry me, cry my name.
Just fall asleep to the sound
           Of my name.
I don't necessarily want
You to be broken,
But if you are to be,
           Then let it be for me.
Let your wounds which
So silently slip open,
Let your tears which
Slide slowly down your cheek,
           Whisper my name.
Because I know I will
Never let you go,
And I will easily help you
In recovering from myself.
Emmalee Feb 2014
Forgive me.
I made my dream real.
The lost soul;
it escaped my body.
It looked upon the cries,
it looked upon the sadness.
But when my soul wasn't lost,
why was there no one there?
Regret.
Is this what they feel?
When I see my body,
crying faces looking upon it,
am I looking at people who cared?
If this to be right,
then I refuse this choice.
I know it to be
A lie.
I can't believe in these lies.
Pity for themselves,
this is what these faces are in search of.
Not for me,
my wounds,
my lost soul.
It is all for the title
of saying that they had once loved
a person who has left their life.
Emmalee Oct 2014
Your love is pending.*

Will you accept my request?
Take me into your heart -
I promise to give my soul to you.
I have no reason to keep
Any part of me.
I am useless,
My bones are bare,
So take me completely.
Don't distain me.
Instead scrutinize my feelings
And take them into consideration.
I promise I'm not as ****** up
As I may seem, as I may have been.
Dig into my mind,
And I promise that you may find
Someone who not only wants
But needs you too.

*Your love is pending.
Emmalee Feb 2014
I've become used to
The feeling of loneliness.
And I'm not quite sure
I mind it.

I've been beaten,
Abused,
Lied to and confused,
But I've grown to like it.

It reminds me that
Love cannot be true.
The feeling is very
Overrated.

It taught me
Not to believe in fairy tales.
Otherwise I'll be living
As love's experiment.
Emmalee Sep 2017
What do you consider love to be?
A tender apple falling from a tree?
A simple kiss above the knees?
Is it true that love comes in threes?

I consider love to be
The world itself, the world to me.
A world that's fair, a world that's free.
What do you consider love to be?
Emmalee Feb 2014
I want to be gone.
I want to feel the rainstorms
Electrocute me with their
Lightning.
I want to hear the sad song
Of a person who
Was once in love.
I want to read between the lines
And find somewhere to go.
I want to be forgotten.
I want to be unknown.
I only want this pain to end
And I want to be alone.
I want to surround myself
With death and loneliness.
I want to hinder my thoughts
With pure evil and mass destruction.
I can't live with the feeling
Of loving you anymore.
I can't ignore the millions
Of crushed emotions
That linger in my soul.
I can't describe myself
As being okay.
I'm ruined and torn
And the glass ring
Around my heart is
Completely shattered.
I don't know what
Else to to
But be forgotten and lost
And unable to think about
You.
Emmalee Oct 2014
Our bodies lay parallel
Next to each other -
We never cross,
We never touch.
I forget what it's like to feel
Perpendicular to you.
These coordinates I've learned
To graph over my years
Finally have meaning to me now.
And I now realize that I
Hate mathematics more
Than I did my sophomore year.
Emmalee Dec 2014
It started with music,
The beautiful soothing sound
Of strings gently piercing the silhouettes
That danced, the keyboard
Forcefully striking at the ears that
Bled for the composure in song.

It led to something greater,
The slashing of skin
And the oozing of open wounds
That carried their way down arms
And to the legs, where numbness arose
And sadness was hidden.

It all got old, so it moved to the next
And the brain cells swelled,
The cotton in the mouth along with it.
Vision was obscure and speech
Was almost completely impossible
And it moved into bed,
On top of you.

One thing led to another,
More gaining it's speed on the veins
That crawled so vividly open
When the clock hit midnight.
Every midnight became a part of the past
And every season brought new tides.
From music, to blood, to drugs, to *** -
It all became an immunity.
Emmalee Feb 2014
The nicotine placed in your lips;
It reminds me of my last cigarette.
Like cherries,
Oh! The sweet taste of cherries.
I love it, this taste
Especially on you.
I miss the buzz, the high,
The feeling that I need
In order to cope with you being gone.
But when you're gone, that feeling
It's flown away as well.
And I'm left to wish
I had more nicotine
To settle my addiction.
Emmalee Oct 2014
I claim to hate you,
But I hate myself more.
And how could you be at fault
When every single part of me
Isn't worth fighting for?
Emmalee Jul 2014
Jump, you stupid ****.
   But I need just one more moment.
A moment for what?
   To say goodbye.
What is there for you to say goodbye to?
   My family, my life.
They never loved you anyway.
   Will they love me when I'm gone?
Stop fooling yourself; you're procrastinating.
   I just need my time.
Jump before you change your mind.
   I never would.
Hurry up, before someone stops you.
   Goodbye mom, goodbye dad.
You have only a few seconds.
   I'm sorry I've become so broken.
Five.
   It isn't your fault at all.
Four.
   Take care of yourselves.
Three.
   Goodbye my sisters and brothers.
Two.
   I love you all dearly.
One.
   I can't breathe.
You're not supposed to be able to.
   I really can't feel my body.
You shouldn't be able to.
   I want to turn back.
You can't turn back now.
   I want to go back to them.
You don't need to go back to loneliness.
  I don't want to die -
You're gone, accept it already.
Emmalee Jun 2018
The average person
They take
Between 12 to 20 breaths per minute.
With you, I barely took 2.
I could not feel my breathing anymore,
I could not feel my breaths,
While tears shed from my eyes,
To my cheeks,
To my legs.
I could not feel anything.
I could not feel me.
Instead I felt sadness,
The loneliest and most empty feeling
One could imagine.
I felt suffocation.
And suddenly, those two breaths,
They turned into none.
And I did not feel myself anymore,
My self as a whole.
I was gone,
Gone like the last flower of summer.
Goodbye, my oxygen.
It would have only took one more tree, to keep me breathing.
Emmalee Oct 2014
Your exalt may be intimidating,
But I still want you.
I still want to know your mind.
I want to know the simple breaths
That so slowly escape your lungs
As we walk down a cold road,
Hand in hand - our feet
Gently hitting the pavement
In a synchronizing melody.
I don't care if you are above me,
Because you are a benevolent man.
You don't care if I'm low
And completely broken,
Because you see something beyond
My furrowed brows and
Sunken cheeks, which are tired
And empty, like my fragile heart.
Emmalee Sep 2017
What is this feeling
I'm hiding inside?
What is this mask
I seem to stand by?

Why are my feelings uncertain
Yet so very kind?
Why is it you
That lingers on my mind?

When will this feeling
Begin to slide?
When will I be able
To feel alive?

Where are you going
In the dark of night?
Where is the love
That seems to just slide?

Who can make me happy
When looking through my eyes?
Who is waiting for me
To open my mind?
Emmalee Apr 2014
It's almost the end of winter
Nearing spring's warm lips.
I swing to the rhythm of my heartbeat.
Forward and back
Fast then slow.
The cold air gently bites my fingertips
And I know for sure that I have some kind of feeling
Left in my body.
My lack of realization to humanity
Was almost as if I were dead.
My heart races and my fingers bleed coldness,
But at least I know I'm alive.
I may be hurting and utterly confused,
But I've realized that I'm human.
I couldn't picture the difference
In the life I was living compared to
Death itself.
But now I know that being alive,
There's more to it than the sadness I so effortlessly longed for.
I'm ready to take my next step
And breathe my next breath
Into the warm spring air that should
Arrive shortly.
Emmalee Sep 2017
The pain-
It goes away
But not forever.
It is hidden
By love, lust, fortune,
Maybe even fame.
But the slightest itch
The slightest memory
Can drive one insane.

I remember being six years old
Swallowed by dreams,
Until I realized
Dreams are not what you think.
The sudden taste of forever
Can linger in your mind,
But forever is only a fear
You hide inside.

Forever's not given,
Forever's not kind.
Forever's not something.
You don't understand why.
But rather than dwell,
You just say goodbye.
Goodbye's a lot easier
Than not knowing why.
Posted for a friend.
Emmalee Apr 2014
The trap around my heart
Is completely broken.
And the entrance of you has
Completely invaded.
My veins rush with
Your words once spoken.
And my modesty and
Tolerance has completely downgraded.

Your voice is my ******
It seeps through my blood.
I fall asleep to the thoughts of you
And surround myself with regret.
Regret for the situation I'm in
And the answers I don't know.
Questions become a flood
In my mind.

Am I too broken to be able
To fall in love?
Am I too lonely to be considered
A woman in love?
Am I too emotionally unstable
To deal with being in love?
Emmalee Oct 2014
I'm longing for your lips on mine,
Your touch that shivers down my spine,
And every ounce of poison you feed
To me and every single ****
My heart shall stem.
Emmalee Apr 2014
The date of my birth is weighing in
And I honestly have not much to ask for
Other than you to be by my side
And give me one of your fascinating smiles.

I ask for you to just hold me and
Embrace my body while I'm warm
Next to you, where I want to be.
And I've always wanted to be.

I only want the sweet sound of your
Sugar-coated voice and the feel
Of your prickled beard against my cheek.
I want your long arms to hold me.

When the not-so-important day of my birth
Finally arrives, will you please, I beg,
Just be there for me?
Just say sweetly, "happy sixteenth."
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