Maybe it's because I feel as though today's work hasn't been completed.
Or possibly because today has ****** and surely should have been better.
Depending on the day, sometimes I don't want 11:59 to sneak up on me because my bad days seem to out number the good and I want the good days to last much longer than one more lousy minute.
I can't quite put my finger on what it is I hate the most about watching the time change from 11:59 to midnight.
Perhaps what I hate the most is, like it or not, I  will never have a chance to live this exact day again.  
Whenever 12 am rolls around, I can't help but cringe.

call it the year of uncertainty.
stuck waiting for my days to feel less confusing and for myself to stop feeling so **** dizzy as a result.
can't stop pondering what crazy ride
this year has in store me.
i thought the change last year brought about was exhilarating
yet exhausting. all i can hope is that
someway, somehow i'm ready for what this year is going to bring.
maybe this is the year sparks finally fly for me in the romance department
or maybe this is the year i fully grow to discover and love myself first.
or maybe this is the year i break down because my heart gets shattered into more pieces than it can handle.
or possibly worse this might be the year i fully lose myself in the whirlwind of my own life.
i really don't know, all I do know is i hope and pray to keep my sanity.

Gosh, this silence kills me.
Call me crazy but I can perfectly hear faint whispers of all my past mistakes.
****--I keep reminding myself that my past doesn't define me.
Surely, the past that I am not fond of was a consequence of a ghost.
That ghost was and is me but not the better version of me that is attempting desperately to stop ******* up.
I am forced to live with all ghosts of myself whether I fess up to them or not.
Somebody please save me from what I am becoming, I'm so scared.
I don't know what happened-- I swear not too long ago I was a not well understood, ***** 17 year old.
Then, ugh. Man, life suddenly hits hard and it *****.
I want to go back in time- before I knew you existed, before my heart felt so heavy, before I was so bored that I would run back to anyone not to be lonely.
Speaking of loneliness: This cold, sickening late May Chicago weather makes me wish I wasn't so alone.
Seems impossible that my life is going to fall into place at this point.
Not trying to be dramatic- just don't know how to not let the people haunting me in my past affect my relationships with others I have yet to encounter.
I wish I could go back in time to my old self and hold my hand.
My last wish is impossible of course, yet I can pretend.
So here I go pretending I know everything and I'm just going to say this once and for all..............ITS OK.


I think.

the leaves fly rapidly off the trees,
specks of color visible as they
swirl and hover above the ground.
just as the leaves are whisked off the trees by the slight breeze;
i was whisked off my feet by your sweet kissing.
you tasted as sweet as my pumpkin coffee, which has become my newest addiction in order to help fill your void.
sure, the falling for you part felt great
but now i can't help but shutter at
the twisted fate of the leaves falling to the ground.
when the leaves are in mid-air, i think of the spontaneity and spark we felt when we met.
as they hover above the ground just before they touch it, i think about the confusion i felt when you began to pull away.
when they hit the ground, i think of everyone that'll destroy their beauty by walking all over them.
i feel as though i was your favorite leaf for a short while and now i'm one of the many you're crunching beneath your shoe.

i have climbed endless mountains
all the while wanting you to show me
someone else would be willing to do
the same for me. foolish me for still clinging onto the thought of us. one day i hope you don't distance yourself so much and wake up and accept the love i know you deserve.
i no longer care to give you the love you deserve because you seem to have given up on me. foolish you for waiting for me at the other side of the mountain because traveling uphill i learned going back to your arms would be way more of a downhill battle than I could ever handle.

you had a lot of words to say,
but when you attempted finding them- you were restricted. i wish i could have somehow helped retrieve them, but i never made the cut. too bad i can't take away the darkness and bitterness that pumps through your blood with every beat of your heart- but that's your fault. keeping secrets and everything inside have always been your forte, but will soon become your silent killer. the secrets out that you musn't be as strong as your front.

i feel like the second *** of coffee that you brewed thinking you wanted more, however you quickly changed your mind about ever liking the taste in the first place.

the crickets seem to be singing your name in unison. gosh **** it, get out of my head.

The sun will shine and set. I toss this idea over and over in my mind. Summer is finally in the air. I sit on my front porch sipping my sweet tea on this mid-June evening and just think, think, think.

Your troubles are small in the just of it all. I’m wondering if you forgot about me. The thought of not existing in your mind troubles me. However, I’m aware my troubles no longer trouble you.

My anxiety has kicked in as of late making my troubles feel bigger than ever. The sunset helps put things into perspective that this world has more to offer than the small one I swear I’ve met my living hell in.

The sweet tea lingers on my lips, as do the kisses you gave me last summer. I swear I sat with you and watched this same sunset I am now watching by myself. Even though the sunsets appear the same, there is something distinctly different about each one.

The same is true of our days; from day-to-day everything seems the same, yet when you look back- everything has changed. I wonder what change tomorrow will bring.

the christmas lights glisten
as your eyes once did.
i want to be more vibrant and bright
than the lights,
but it appears that when you left-
you stripped my world of color.

now you're just a shade of grey
that still consumes my thoughts.
i know you don't care,but:
I've figured out ways to color in the vibrancy and brightness of my life
that fortunately for me doesn't involve YOU.

it rained the next three days after
the dreadful words fell from your mouth.

really wasn't up for the talk, yet you
proceeded anyway and there it was
out of nowhere that feeling I hadn't missed.

suddenly as I sat in your passenger seat where I sat just the day before
perfectly content, your words stabbed my heart.

you said you liked me so much it hurt
however you needed time to work on yourself. to me all I heard was the slamming of another door, and the noise killed.

they say when one door closes another will surely open soon.
I don't want any other door to open unless you're standing behind it.

you promised this isn't a goodbye
instead a see ya later. problem is
there's no guarantee of that. I'm
scared to death of holding onto nothing all over again.

in the mean time, the leaves will continue to fall, lovers will continue to love, and I'll stay here dazed counting the days on my fingers and toes & then all over again since I last felt at home when my lips were on yours.

please don't leave me.

broken promises and chapped lips,
taste of rebellion and tears shed from missing home.
when I think back on the 20th year of my life all of these things and more come to mind.
what a year it has been, I can barely recognize myself when I first turned 20.
how was I to know this year would take me on such a crazy ride marked by a few major things.
first off-the dingy carnival lights that glistened in his deceiving blue eyes.
lesson learned: people will say and do anything for certain things that most certainly aren't in your best interest.
secondly- the harsh realization of what it really feels like to be all alone (independence is hard)
lesson learned: you never are truly all alone; even if physically nobody else is around, loved ones are only a call/text away to cure the feeling.
thirdly- it's hard sometimes, real real hard to love yourself when you feel as though people from your past have suggested that you're essentially impossible to like, let alone love.
lesson learned: when you are unsure of your own worth your heart often stumbles into the wrong hands which isn't your fault BUT with the right amount of self love- your heart will not fall or stumble but will be placed in the right hands. (I promise)
and lastly-
I learned that life stops for nobody.
It's ok to dance like a complete fool and if people judge, then cool.
we aren't going to be around forever
and essentially people's opinions
are little blips of information that
mean nothing.
i'm sure I'll forget this advice a few times once I turn 21 and onward,
which is why I've written this poem.

(Happy 21st to me- stay strong)

the lights on the dingy carnival rides glistened with a new kind of hope I still can't explain. the last thief's kiss still lingered on my lips and I felt well off. content with where I was standing in line and in life, you stepped in right then and intervened.
taken back by the small talk at first, I took quickly to what you had to say. felt a spark, but I was too afraid of having my fiery feelings extinguished.  Accustomed to being burned I was hesitant to let you in. There were so many unclosed doors I still can't help but to think about. Falling for you, falling for you of course it didn't take long. This time though was different- you caught me. Perhaps this is why when "Hey howdy hey" from an ex-flame came up across my phone screen, I felt super perplexed. Funny how just when you're happy and comfortable and ready to move on, a text from someone you were so sure lived in your past can trigger a thousand different emotions. Those icy blues I wondered so much about these past 8 months just had to peek in to throw me off. Sometimes though  it's way too late for sorry. Trying so hard not to think about the past, I remember the way that the lights reflected in your eyes that breezy August carnival night and kiss you harder. I want you to stick around.

september 2016
four-and-a-half months of almost nothing besides the comforting grey fleece of yours that I ashamedly clung onto, foolishly thinking that would freeze everything between us that once was.
now I can't help but feel stupid when I look back that I missed the signs I was just playing your next victim.
**** it, it just felt nice to have someone who cared and you barely had to put any effort in but it was enough to keep me radiating with happiness.
and now I am sure that it is merely the idea of you that haunts me almost five months later, because the presence of present you sure as hell isn't the same version of the you that's stuck in my head.
you know that I wanted you and to do you good at that, but of course you had to push me away because who has time to care let alone be cared about?
ha, caring
not a thing about how it used to be makes sense in the now, but I know I'm just wasting my thoughts away thinking about that.
you're still playing this game though and I wish you would stop.
I'm playing this game back but we both know I don't stand a chance.
a simple "What are you doing" and "Come over?" and BAM, I'm all yours.
except, just this last time something was real different that I don't think I'm going to be able to shake.
ran around for an hour in the rain trying to meet up with you as I still didn't want to let you down despite all of your *******.
when my teeth- chattering, soaked from head-to toe self finally made it to you and laid beside you in bed, it felt just like old times for a split second or two.
it was then that I reminded you that I still had your hoodie.
you barely remembered that I still had it and acted as though you couldn't even remember why you let me borrow it in the first place.

december 2016**
**** it, another 3 months came and went and i never built up the nerve to throw your hoodie back at you and walk out of your life.
every time i went to do so you crept back in as though you had missed me, i knew better that you hadn't but i wanted so badly to believe it.
i don't understand why i can't shake the good times we've shared in the past and why i just can't seem to move on.
back in september i couldn't even sleep next to you because i barely recognized the version of you lying next to me. guilt consumed my entire being and i had to get up and leave your embrace. lying alone in my own bed had never seemed more appealing in my life. with that thought, i left your side at 5 am that crisp September morning and ran across town to my apartment and vowed to never put myself in that predicament again. that predicament, of course, being your faux caring embrace, your toxic kisses, and your complete naivety. i like to tell myself that you are just naive to how much hurt you have truly caused me, because otherwise some of what you have done (if intentional) should be a **** crime. it ***** feeling as though i am not enough for you, i don't know why i care but that's all i've wanted to be. as the weather got colder, i got weaker. although i promised to give you up, i still wanted you near me. after a few too many drinks, i seem to continue to become a mere thought in your mind. stupid me, i seem to always get this confused as you actually giving a flying **** about me. if i said that i want more than anything to leave you in the past, i'd unfortunately be lying to myself. i know this needs to be done, but all i can hope for now is that sooner rather than later- the flicker of hope that i still have extinguishes itself.

to be continued.........

I don't miss you, but I wonder about you and wish it was acceptable to.
My brain still can't understand how something so good yet short lived could end in all of this pain.
You used me? I guess that's it.
But no- you're better than that.
See, there I go wanting to give you more credit and myself more blame.
It must have been the light blue color in your eyes, unlike anything I could ever dream of, working along side your mischievous grin that fooled me.
Perhaps it was the way you knew how to make me laugh and long to kiss you since the minute we met.
Things weren't so gray and I wish I wouldn't have shooed you away.
Before you ran, you warned me about your morbid sense of humor and advised me to get used to it.
There was no point of me warming up to your dark humor though, I became the joke that stole the show.
How was I supposed to know that the soul behind those glassy, freakin beautiful baby blues of yours had grown so terribly icy and was destined to leave me feeling blue?

You have officially left the Midwest.
You've always been toxic to me.
Even now that you're gone, your poison drips off my lips.
I swore I blocked you out for good months before you left-yeah ******* right.
My scars from never being enough for you had just started to heal.
Then, one day I got curious and wondered if you would even respond.
Another chance to mess with me? OF COURSE you answered.
2 months and you'd be outta here was what I came to learn, you had nothing to lose.
**** it, what was I thinking?
******* for everything oh and ******* even more for everything that you know you should be sorry for but choose to ignore.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm not...
You are still bitter towards that girl who ****** with your head and only said she loved you,you'll never let that go.
I have come to accept you will always cling on to her or at least the idea of her and allow nobody else to be better, um good luck with that.
I hope one day I find everything I deserve in a place thousands of miles from you.
Out of the Midwest is where you belong and I will not give her your best.
~CMD

"look at the lid of your cup, there's SO much lipstick on there." You pointed this out a few times to me. What did I do? Sat there embarrassed each time and tried to sheepishly rub the red substance off. It was small things like this, feeling like I somehow let you down-that scared me the most. Little did I know, I had way more to fear. Man, were you good at wiping things off as if they never existed. I should have just handed you my coffee cups and let you wipe off the stains because you are great at hiding the evidence of anything existing at all. My heart aches at the thought of you detoxing your body from my kisses. You wiped away the feeling of my head on your chest, my lips on yours, & the happiness you felt when I called you my babe. And now November has came and gone and I'm still stuck in October with you before you destructed us. "This doesn't have to be for good and I don't even want it to be for good." It's as though everything, your words, your promises, your dignity, have been stolen from you. You gave me the chance to run yet tried holding on to me to ultimately decide you wanted her, not me. WHAT DID I DO WRONG? I'm so tired of thinking it's me but the irritation and bitterness I feel is sickening. Now December has arrived and you're so far gone it frightens me.
You were supposed to stick around.

that's it - time to kiss another year of my youth good bye.
kissing up and goodbye have been the norm in life as I know it so far.
it doesn't make coherent sense to me that my teenage years are gone.
teenage chapter of my life has ended,
and I have yet to experience much.
I had no teenage lovers or anything close for that matter.
no heart has ever yearned to beat next to mine.
no thoughts have been flooded with me.
no lips have thirsted for more of my kisses.
I've managed to carry on anyway,
yet my heart is bitter.
despite it all, as I turn 20,
I'm trying to not allow the heaviness of my heart to weigh me down.
20--my heart is fragile.
Please be careful.
I'm as ready for you as I will be.

i could sit here and tell you I'm a different person from this time last year, you probably won't believe me.
i've grown and these days have changed me more than i could explain.
almost feel at ease now more so than before but waiting on edge for life to takeoff at the same time. i observe that the fragments of blue, red, and white fire have no problem taking off and flying across the sky. hate to say that I'm still waiting for my shot in life for things to start firing up and explode in color. things still feel black and white most days but i don't care anymore.  i feel haunted by this time last year, yet excited for another year to pass.

as I lay here awake back at home,
my mind is stuck on one thing-
love burns. as you lay there where I have laid next to you countless times, you feel no shame for my burns.
love is the most powerful thing
in this world, yet people like you
think it's perfectly acceptable to abuse.
sure, ok maybe "love" didn't exist in our story, however you had me tricked
it was headed there- then que the lies,
confusion, and freak outs. "i really, really, really like you babe" i repeated this enough for you to understand. And the sickening part is you said it back like you meant it, but now I am certain everything was a lie. you repeated me as if you were a parakeet whose only choice was to imitate my words. i wish whatever we had going for us didn't have to end like this. stop ignoring my pleas and repeat after me: "I miss you and I mean it."

here you and i are again,
nothing is the same from the last time.
your presence feels as though it is a mirage.
surely this is because i thought that i finally found the strength to leave you behind.
**** it; how come you always make your way back into my life?
can't help but fail weak for allowing you to make amends with me.
you appear to be a changed person which is refreshing yet irritating.
the truth is, you can't change the hurt you caused me in the past.
you can say "sorry" til you're blue in the face, yet that takes nothing back.
hate to let you down or ruin your pride parade, i just need to do what's best for me once and for all. running back to your arms for the first time ever feels lethal.

you've always been ready to run.
even would sleep with your shoes on for the best jump start just in case.
newsflash: you could run for as far and as long as you want, but you're never going to be able to outrun your deepest regrets and darkest thoughts.
now you've left the state and "it *****."
when you get a chance to on the other side of the world, take your shoes off, forget the girl, and take it easy.
you will find all of your darkest thoughts and ghosts will quit haunting as soon as you stop running.

why do I fall so fastly?

haven't I learned I would save myself

a whole lot of hurt by slowing down?

hopeless romantic I am but gosh ****

this shouldn't be as bad as it is.

tired of the single life, terrified of the
dating life: I just want to feel wanted.

the warm sun hits my face and here i sit thinking:
if I was still to be counting the days since the last time I felt at home
when my lips were on your lips
and our bodies were intertwined-
i'd be wasting my precious time away.
you were never home,
you were more or less a hotel room
i had wrongfully mistaken for home.
you made me feel comfy&coz;;
for the time being and then kicked
me out as if i was nothing and then
quickly replaced me with new tenants.
joke is on you,
i might have thought i needed you
but i made it through the winter
without you& now spring is upon
us and i'm thrilled to further distance
myself from the time I messed up
by calling you "HOME"
thanks for not sticking around.
~CMD

you know that feeling when you've had too much of something, yet that limit doesn't seem to exist cause you can't get enough?
excited, breathless, flushed, happy
and did i mention, happy?
sunshine can make you feel all of the above
and so can you, babe.
the sun isn't the only one to thank for my glow as of recent-
you make me beam with happiness and always leave me wanting more.
when our bodies are intertwined whether we are being intimate or just cuddling, all of those feelings i brought up above just crash over me.

i love basking in the sun as much as I love the heat that flushes over my entire body whenever we are lying next to each other  
but I can't help hating both at the same exact time....

one too many times i have been burned by the sun (as i have been burned by previous "lovers") & i've just barely escaped being poisoned by the sun and them,
i can't help but worry that you might intoxicate me with your kisses and leave as though i have no more significance to you in your life than the ground below your feet that you walk over all day.
you see though, the problem with this is your absence will turn poisonous instantaneously and will have the same affect on me as sun poisoning.
my heart is fragile
and my body is sweltering
from the sun's heat & your body's heat
but i wish for both to prosper.

you seem to keep the stormy skies away-
please stay a while.

She wakes up and doesn't recognize herself. Of course she sees herself on the outside in the mirror but doesn't know who this person is anymore. From the time she opens one eye in the morning, anxiety provoking thoughts flood her brain. Where will I be in 3 months from now? What school offers the best personal college experience for me? How will not living in this town actually benefit me? Will I have enough money saved? What happens if I never land a career?  Her thoughts are all over the place as is she. Unsure of what she will do for the day to help distract her, she takes comfort in reading poetry of others. It is through other peoples written word that she remembers it is ok to not have everything figured out yet.