I decided
to
stand up
and move
on.

I entered the room
saw you on a stool
       you're playing cards
       and laughing too

I passed by
smiled at the sight
       hoping you caught
       my gleaming eyes

There's this unspoken rule that we're only to talk things about her. That hint of pride shining in your irises, she doesn't deserve that.

But you thought otherwise.

and just like that-
you exploded

"was it hard?"
"what?"
"loving me?"

I can finally look at you
and
I can finally say I'm done
too.

I get it
if you choose her
because a puzzle
can't be finished
if the pieces
don't fit
each other

Why would I be honest with you if even I can't be honest with myself?

There's so much that I can't take anymore.






But it doesn't mean that I'm giving up.

An orphan of love,
A servant for lust

Almost.

The word alone has its own impact, already a thought-consuming word. It reminds me of things I was on the brink of doing, on the edge of making, and on the verge of having, but never did.

"Angel" they said
then the pumping stopped
just a fraction of a second
it hurt a lot

In that fraction of a time
I didn't know it could hurt that much
I can't explain the pain
that even a stab couldn't match

That's when I realized
that it really did do it

.. it loved that Angel

But only after that moment,
after that fraction of a second
did I really realize
that it was a fool
to love that Angel

stand tall;
heels six inches long
tell the world:
I'm ready,
bring it on

Cause when you slowly
enter me
My body's going
to ecstasy
Only this can make me
finally believe
That paradise now is
within reach

It's not about the ghosts or the demons
The heartbreaks and rejections
It's about the happiness and contentment
Not minding what you've imperfected
What you're scared of doesn't matter
As long as you know that you'll be better
Head up, stay strong
and never give it up all

I don't mind
people's cries
about my life

I let them be
to satisfy their needs
of envy

At nightfall,
I'll sneak out
Hoping to catch
Your gleaming eyes
Staring at mine
Showing the message
My heart desires
Back when we
First laid eyes
Obviously showing
*Love at first sight

Hey,


I don't ******* get why people only see the bad side of me. I can never be strong, smart, talented and good enough in their eyes. They didn't even notice how ******* high I've improved. Not just there, but also in life. I will always be a ******* failure to them. Please, can this ******* nightmare stop?

--me

I've always loved disasters.

I was young, of course, I didn't know what it could do to me. They've always dressed up as the calm, but little did I know that they would actually ruin me. It led me to a faraway place, somewhere I didn't know my own existence--just pure nothingness. I lost myself, my own being, and for years I thought I would gain everything, but lost all of it.

And then you came along.

I felt like a blank canvas when you came. I was so caught up with my own emotions that it totally ruined and drained me into nothing. I forgot the feeling of being in love. I've always thought that it was the disaster that defines the feeling of it, but

actually,
it was the calm dressed up as a disaster.

I'm laughing.

I don't know. I really need to laugh. Maybe because of the overwhelming sadness? But then I started to sink, slowly, kneeling on the floor. My shoulders shake, from uncontrollably fast to the pace of my beating heart. My hair falls in front of my face, hiding its ashen appearance. I'm torn. Cliché moment, I know. Someone tried to move, maybe to comfort me. My mouth opens before I can stop it.

"Stop. Don't move."

They know me as the girl who's always happy, doesn't get affected by their rudeness, has a lot of patience, and always smiling. It's actually really easy to act happy all the time. But, the sad thing about it is that they will never ever take me seriously. They'll only approach me if they need something. I seriously regret having put a mask on, to hide my true self. My goal was to make the people around me happy. I'm a clown, I guess. Nobody takes a clown seriously. Me, a clown.. a very emotional, pistanthrophobic clown.

--

Falling in a bottomless pit
of happiness and no grief

Baby, it's that crazy feeling
Next to you, my heart's pounding
Hard enough to keep me from slipping
Out of my trance

Baby, your warmth is all I need
Don't hold it, set it free
I'll willingly catch it--
My body's chant

My thoughts are shadows lurking in the dark

Good things are earned with money wasted.

I missed the familiar shade of grey and white
The world of happiness and delight
The feeling of being finally back
My heart's at its content

I am being haunted by what ifs and disappointing expectations.

i'm a girl and i'm observant
i saw your tweet
she's the one you want

i'm a girl and i'm moody
you asked something nicely
i shouted, i'm sorry

i'm a girl and i'm confusing
you thought i was fine
but i'm dying

i'm a girl and i'm vulnerable
don't let me go
or i'll crumble to pieces and fall

i'm a girl and i'm stupid
you love her
and towards you, that's what i feel

i'm a girl and i can live without you
i don't need a man to breathe
i need oxygen

I don't want to be your
dream
promise
forever

because,
I want to be your reality
and not just a promise to be broken
nor a make-believe eternity

I asked myself if there's this slight probability that I might fall in love with you.

Then the war starts.

My standards versus my happiness are fighting over the fact that I might give in. Well, maybe. I don't really know. It's been way too long since I last felt this; the vibrations, the adrenaline. But you're too young, well I guess that's what they'll describe it in this generation. I'm too old for a boy who's a year or two younger than me. It's the way how everyone's minds work now. And I guess, mine's included in the sea of endless judgments, thoughts.

It's been what, three months? And he's still on my mind.

I don't know what to do.

THEY WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND
HOW MUCH IT HURTS
TO BE
ME

you whispered i love you,
never thought i'd here that from you

Buy me a bag of beans
so I can reach the city of dreams

To tell you the truth,
I'm the girl version of you

The way you speak your words
and how a smile masks your sad world

I feel the sadness in your eyes,
how they're connecting with mine

Our heart's damaged,
trust's the blame

We give and give
but never take

We want to surpass the pain
and feel the love again

We want to be happy,
away from em' tears

We want everything
to be fair
and us
to be happy

yesterday, i was on the verge of letting you go. i left the thought of you in my last 84 years, and before that too. today, i'm 34 and maybe will last for the next decades or so. i'm not sure if i'll leave this lifetime again-- with the trails of your kisses dangling on my shoulder, its tips gently swaying across my bare back. ill ask myself again tomorrow the dreaded question of my past lifetimes, "why will i leave you again?".

i developed this habitual longing for thoughts of you inside my head. how i couldn't quite reach the satisfaction of imagining--i need your soul in physical form. i need you with me; right here, right now.

you can clearly see the fault here, and i'm sorry for that. i need to love you, not need nor want you. it's not some complicated **** as the reason of my soon-to-be absence for the rest of your life, it's the crushing thought of being not worthy to be yours. you're too precious, too much of a sweet liability for my bitter tongue could willingly handle.

alas, this lifetime would probably be wasted again on depressing decisions that will be the end of me. but one thing is for sure, inside the deep oblivion of my mind, i will always love you. and i'm wishing for more lifetimes to come for me to get that out of my nothingness.

I'll borrow his love for a little while, so I can feel what you've been feeling all this time

Pity is the least I could get
for a girl like you who's nothing but a wreck

If a sunset's too beautiful somewhere, it means that place is polluted.

You see, whenever I look at you, you're the most beautiful sunset the world could offer. How the light shining from your irises reflect the way a sunset blends its hues. How your smile captures the light of the sun, slowly fading, but will never die. Then how awe dumbstrucks me in the most amazing way. You're magical, in the most realistic, possible way.

But I guess you're polluted.

From the hurt, the lies, your past, the demons stuck inside that head of yours, the anxiety, everything. You conjured every possible demon inside of you and turned them into the most beautiful hues of the most beautiful sunset of the most polluted place on earth. You were made of broken pieces and shards of pain but it still looks like you were made to be a god.

You really are ******* magical. You're the beautiful ending of the most tragic beginning.

"You're quite something, aren't you?"
"But I'm your something"
"Indeed you are."

daddy's girl is reaching
her father's hand while saying
"the reaper of hearts is here
she's holding your hand, father dear

i love melancholic kisses and intimacy,
the way they hold hands so freely
but the reaper of hearts is here, daddy
and she needs to reap, not live"

and that's the short story
of the reaper of hearts
who loved happy endings
but will never have one

i don't need food, letters or gifts
i want to feel special with no boundaries
things are not important to me
but to feel loved and protected is

Don't let Destiny know you're happy!

And then, I saw your eyes

Weak,
Tired,
Dark,
Bland

I can't hold my cries
My heart's squeezed so tight

I can no longer endure
The pain that my chest consumes


I've never seen you like this:
Vulnerable but still, clenched fists

I touched them ..

The softness of my touch
Removed the scrunch of your brows

Five seconds passed,
I see your eyes
Damp with tears




I'll never leave you
Never again

I'll take it back

Everything.

Take me back

Take us back

you're the deadly kind
that when you make me feel so otherworldly alive,
it is a plus to the countless ropes left around my neck so tight

God, it's the little things, you see..
the little things that you do
the little things that you say
the little things that you feel
the little things that you see
the little things that you think of
that makes me fall
deeply, truly,
irresistibly
in love with you

I can't love you
if you're inlove with her
Can you just move on
and smile like its over?
Its hard to control
myself from coming close

My heart's agreeing,
my mind's negating

Temptation's the word
I'm dying to overcome of

this time, i'm going to defy the fates. i will be yours, even if you won't be mine. i'll give you my heart, and I know it's not in the fates' list of fated but you will receive it. i apologize to the one that's destined to me; you can have me in our next lifetime because this time, i'm going to break the rules. that's the ******* extent of my love for you--i'm willing to sacrifice every **** of my life because you had me with the twinkle of your eyes and that's enough compensation for the damage its reflection caused. i know for a fact that you've broken a lot of rules but let me be the rule that will break itself for you.

My smile's fake like the moon's light

to love you is to love you
your eyes when they shine,
the look you give me when you can't understand a single thing I said,
your ****** hair,
your sarcasm that makes me smile,
the way you look at me
the way you smile at me

i just don't ..
i don't love you like that
and im sorry

hi! i dont know if youll eventually find your way here, but i did leave some clues for you to find this.

its unbearable, the pain. i did what i did, but i was thinking of what ill be going through again if i succumb into this kind of situation again. im just really really tired. its not that im not giving you a chance to change, but its because im tired of giving people chances. i cant seem to do anything good right now. i cant watch, sleep, play, or even sit down without thinking about you and how much i love you. but this is is how it goes, im running away again. its sad, but this is how ive always been. i just want to go back to the time where i was simply at peace with myself. for such a short amount of time, every fiber of my being became attached, and soon after, loved you for everything that you are. and it ***** because i think im scared of everything even if tho im hopeful?

im suffering every day! i blocked u bc i dont want to let my mind suffer. nung tayo naman, ang dami ko nang iniisip pero ngayon naman napalitan lang ng what ifs or other things na ayaw ko na sabihin. araw araw after the end, iniisip ko na gusto ko bawiin lahat ng sinabi ko and just let things fall back into place again. pero grabe, sobrang naaawa na ko sa sarili ko na i have to go through this thing again—na kailangan ko nanaman turuan ang taong mahal ko kung paano ba dapat ako mahalin ng tama. its so tiring and this is why i chose to let go.

hindi ko naman alam if mapapadpad ka dito, pero gusto ko lang sabihin na totoo din kitang minahal and i still love you while im writing this. but we cant be together again hanggat ganito. hindi mo naman ako pinaglaban, i keep hearing excuses. or maybe hindi ka pa dumadating sa point na dapat alam mo na gagawin mo. we're just too far apart (figuratively and literally). but im glad i met you, but here we go again with the unending heartaches.

the final straw was when i read your horoscope for the week. seems like the world is in your favor and it wanted me to release you. to be fair, i was never tired bc of what happened but bc of what i know ill be going through again. i had to stop it. pero ayun, i knew naman na u had to be alone for the time being but i just had to push this relationship bc idk siguro talaga selfish ako and kasi gusto kita. nasaktan pa tuloy kita imbis na magmove on ka nalang sa ex mo.

ayun din, ang dami ko pang kinatatakutan. what if may iba ka nang kalaro, what if bumalik ka sakanya, what if may bago na altogether. hindi ko alam, for all i know baka nakamove on ka na. pero its okay, gusto ko talagang sumaya ka! i swear, yun lang gusto ko. bukod sa pagod na ko, iniisip ko din na baka nahihirapan ka na dahil sa pressure ng relationship natin. im truly sorry for not sayong goodbye ng maayos. i never had the ***** to say everything in front of your face. i didnt even have the ***** to say i love you one last time! i ****.

hay grabe. ill cherish our memories together, no doubt. sobrang saya ko sayo. kahit hindi tayo okay, sobrang saya ko parin kasi ikaw naman yung kasama ko lutasin yung problema. sana napasaya kita kahit papaano. i know naman na puro perwisyo lang nabigay ko sayo, but just know im truly sorry for everything. kung naging toxic ako sayo, pasensya na. pasensya na talaga if it was so difficult for you to love me. sabi ko sayo its not gonna be this hard sa the one mo. but to be fair, ginusto ko rin na sana ikaw nalang, na ikaw na talaga. naisip ko nga na ikaw na talaga pero baka hindi lang ngayon?

sana makahanap ka ng mas better sakin and i hope u learned kahit papaano. ito nanaman tayo sa cycle ko, pathway lang talaga ako para ready na kayo sa the one niyo 🤣 kung magkabalikan kayo, ayaw ko na malaman! hahahaha pero masaya pa rin ako para sayo no doubt. ill always be rooting for you and your life choices. magiging **** ka pa, and sana madami kang mapasayang bata when that time comes.

ill be fine but im always praying for you. i do hope mabasa mo to. but if hindi, then let these words just reach you in some other way, or baka ibulong ko nalang sa hangin.

i love you so much, p! ill always do 😊 ill never forget you.

I decided to go,
trusting my feet to take me where it wants to go

I stumble on your front porch.
This can be our little home, with our children playing catch and throw

I turned around,
trying to hide the pain

This is one of those times,
I catch myself wandering outside your door

I know it'll never happen,
never will.