sometimes she cries when she prays
think she's got it all worked out
sometimes the ocean only waves
never stays

she couldve held me through this
i know i dont deserve it
but ima still be selfish

im trying to be the good one here
but its so hard to hear anyone cheer me on
im working on it alright
wearing the same clothes twice
forgetting to eat
letting my phone die

"what are you going to do when im not around?"
my mind only drifts to the sound
you'll let me out
keep my mouth shut
eyes on the floor
my back to the door
can't tell anybody anything anymore

feel like youre hating me more and more

i forget what i need,
replacing the bubble up of unwanted thoughts with heavy heaves and maybe some other unprecedented love

the kind of love that doesn't make you choked up, stuttering over words you can't get out and holding back laughs in the back of the room, instead i stay;
head down
eyes shut
block them out
close it up

it's hard to end what could have
but it's easier that it didn't
i'm not patient therefore I cannot wait for you, and I cannot wait until you've changed your mind, felt what you've missed, lost what you almost had. could have had, didn't want, or was too ignorant to see.
if you wish to forget me
so it shall be
i will not stand in the corner, drooling for you, for negativity and the i cannot do without you mentality. i will not envy, for i will see all i can deal without.
i've lost too much to waiver over how these things could have been.
i will not miss you
for you will see what i'll grow into
what i can become without you

how comfortable life is without a filter and a hand around your throat.

i wake at the sound of waves thrashing wildly
they whisper
"close your eyes"
"feel it"
they wash over
but never strong enough to pull me in
i think it's getting stronger
please

pull me under

my mind doesn't work right when it has to
and i come home to sulk
never anymore, to do
and yes.
i am angry

i am too sad to cry
too angry to yell
not ready yet, to speak.

i wish my hands could speak for me
but they're bound
and with every struggle,
it is tightened

im starting not to see anything beyond this
i blink and im here again
pinch myself and im still here
you always wake up from sleep

and alright, I don't have the guts to **** myself
my mother has drilled hell in my brain like a nail
but hell isnt a place
its a feeling
a presence
or a lack there of.

and so yes
i am angry.
ive played so many songs on wordless strings
strung chords to sound like sobbing
and for what?
i am still angry
and tomorrow i will be angry
i will blink, and still
ill remain angry
and when you wake up from your slumber,
you will stretch out the feeling in your bones
relish in the last seconds of moonlight
you will look outside,
see the sun,
see the people,
see yourself,
and you will still be angry.
you will be played unfairly and be angry.
you will always remain the way you are.

it a scary thing to face alone,
anger, or bitterness.
but perhaps the scariest of them all,
is the length we will go to escape it.

be angry
be bitter
but always play fair.

wow
we really need to stop meeting like this -
- in the back of my mind, you strewn across the hardwood floor, me, watching you.
there is so much you'd rather be doing, but ive got one foot on your neck
and the other on the keys

we're never getting out
it's just you and me and the four walls that bind us

i keep going back here, with you again
and everytime i get out im left drenched with guilt

it's funny how i declare how much I want to start living
when im killing myself in the process

it's unintentional though, but i guess that's the equivalent of me saying
"i can stop whenever i want"
i can't
and if the devil is controlling these motives
***** him !!

ive lived in this home for too long to be witty and edgy and declare that
i wanna go to hell!!

i don't
but hell is this feeling, it's guilty
it's you and you know it

leave me alone for like, 30 days
then come back to haunt me again

ive learned that the man in the moon
might be a bit tired of hearing my complaints
and the universe doesn't care about me
but it's no surprise really,
since it's got the whole **** universe to take care of

i was too busy relying on the things that bound me
it all made sense in my head
and none of it had a consequence
but superstitions only have as much power as you give them

i am learning to be the center of my own universe
and to live as loudly as possible
i think im on the right course.
my train of thought is clear and mellow
and there's no sign of derail

my depression has become so apparent that it goes unnoticed
that thought terrifies me

ive become so good at acting like i understand how my mind works
maybe so good that it believes me
ive gotten so bad with words
that i cant recognize my own writing

its getting harder and harder to scribble out just one letter
its been months
im not doing any better

and so here we are in pieces

theres something about this starving that
feels so appetizing
something about this apathy
this undecided feeling, something about this week
that seems so far from real

maybe it's the way i love the word haunting
the daunting snarl of crumbling
papers on homework after homework but somehow you're still failing
it's filling your lungs over and over with air
breathing in until you've lost feeling just to notice
you are still drowning

maybe it's the trust you lack in others
maybe it's in your inability to speak to anyone lest they ask first, waiting until the very last second before you complete something you hadn't done,
stressing over a list you've yet to make
feeling like your heart might burst with every bite you take

maybe it's friends, (or a lack-thereof) maybe it's you seeing them with so much love, maybe you've just become jealous or perhaps not enough?
it might be double texting on airplane mode, wishing you could have anything to say though you never really cared much about them anyway and...
and maybe they just hate your guts

but
maybe it's just you

maybe it's simply "another thing you've found to worry about"
maybe it's "because you're always on that phone"
maybe you've been the one in the wrong all along

because hey, those who stress so much about themselves but be selfish right? must be jealous. must be hard thinking of yourself so much that you've become a walking time bomb with a ticker that can never turn off.
must **** knowing nothing and thinking you know it all.
anxiety must be rough...
but maybe you're just not anxious enough?

i am forever trapped in a never ending cycle of complete density
i can no longer fit into one of these tiny boxes
and i am on the verge of either
panic
or
empathy

i am tired of the opposite ***
not the literal opposite ***
but the phrase in itself
the opposite
the thought of an "opposing team"

i see hospital beds but the walls are like mine
i see whispering rain showers and the
pursuit of comfort
then it all comes crashing down by the sun
by the heat and the melting of it all

these fears are generic
these feelings are currents washing over me
and though i do not know the cause
i do know the cure
or do i?

the sweetest sound is my own voice not trembling with anger
it is impossible to never not feel as though i need to yell at the top of my lungs
double negatives are something ive become good at
because i am not only negative
but that times two

im tired of people being loud
and the girls who
want me to yield
and the boys who
can but won't

im not your puppet
and im not your friend
i can't wait until you take your head out of the sand and realize
the world is meaningless when you're mean
i can see the venom dripping from your pretty teeth


it's okay to be jealous
just don't let it consume you

there is a pink peach resting on my window sill
it is the same color as your lip gloss was

im not one to be sentimental, but i really do miss our sun-lit mornings
i miss the light blue hotel
im not romantic, but this would sound better in French.

the day i realized you were gone, was the same day i snapped the guitar strings on accident

ive learned to love these fleeting things
because this is my life, there's no way to run from it.
ive found the light in hope
or at least im attempting

i speak hope that you may see through my lighter eyes.
through my spaced expression.
i surely do feel summer in my bones
i surely do feel like my world is expanding, as ***** and disbanded as my world may seem.
i know my state is temporary, just as it all is, but while i feel this, ill let it indulge
i will breathe in every last drop of this feeling until it is as dry as my bones

when i walk outside its amazing that i can feel the clouds wishing me farewall
the gut feelings are fading, everything seems yellow and grey
wont the chilly moon wish me a good rest of the year?
i am in dier need of a break

she is the only one i trust

we've all written what we can
hands tied and intuition bound by
people and things and always more things

giving all i can
just to be dealt even less than
i came with
leaving with less life than i arrived

weight pushing more than your elbows on your desk
more than the palms on your brows
the teeth grinding, closed shut eyed, a 'fine' suffices while still petrified

we wait and wait and wait for change
like a poor man on the street
begging to be set free
but the week ends and the day begins and we start again and again and again and we wait
and we stay still
stay stagnant
fight the urge to projectile *****
but we stay still in silence.

good habits can't be broken
just rewritten.

i taught myself to be who i am
perhaps my life isnt always all that it seems
weeks i cant remember, but it's easier to recall my dreams
the literal, not future

because what future can be seen
when there is so much in the way?
my thoughts are like a strainer
holding the negative
and watching all the positive drip through
maybe ill feel better when the ticking stops
when the little hand meets the 3 on the clock
maybe when my weight starts to dust itself off
or when i fall in love
when I finally feel satisfied enough to just sleep it off

its getting harder to stay awake
to make my running thoughts run away
its getting more difficult to feel much of anything lately

i met my fate as the orange grass met the sky
while i stood coddled up in sunlight, studious to some remnant of hope, either frequent or terminal

i sat cradled in tears screaming, speak or swallow me up
but perhaps the words came in sleep, or the bottom of my coffee cup
dripping into my sleep and bursting from buds
music to my ears or the flowers growing in love

i met my fate at the edge of the suburbs, when i disappeared into my head, barefoot and hungry, dashing into forests, so numb, holding my weight in heavy rising lungs.
i was fading, perpetual, my own burning constant.
haunted and gaunt, and hardly ever conscious

i met fate on the edge of chance, of a good luck charm. of a missing someone.
i met fate in the words tangled in tongue
where all you sing is unsung

and if you can't walk, you'll run

i am so numb to my own negative emotions
that every unfortunate thing that occurs
is another thing to add to the never ending list

my brain feels like its matted with hair
like its stuffed with cotton
and like it's empty all at once

i know when i get bad
and im bad

i need to stop cutting hair off and acting like its some metaphor for my depression
its not

all this faking is driving me mad
this is all a dream
i hope

no no
stop wasting your own time
but im so good at it!
im in love with a love thats not real
in love with feeling like a big ******* deal

its always me for me or
me versus me
if none of me wins
then whos to blame

if all me's in this
then why does me
feel so worthless

is it apathy if i
feel apathetic?
is all i am just
a walking contradiction?

i cant justify the sound of my own footsteps
but i can justify hers
or some random strangers

if it takes 21 days for a habit to stick
how the hell do i make happy a habit
nothing feels like a feeling to me


if nothing is a feeling and isnt
then what does it feel like?

try not to become so distracted
or maybe
become a bit more

get lost in something, whatever it may be. it is healthy to be challenged intellectually every once in a while. push your limits. find something you've never thought twice about and pull all of the emptiness and boredom and anxiety and twist it into something beautiful. dissect it, examine it, create from it. always give yourself permission to feel. we know this already, that logic and thought sometimes refuse to mix, so separate the two and create something impossible. challenge yourself. everything in this life can find ways to shove you down, but how will you overcome by laying stagnant?

holding your ground is not bad, but remember the things that bring you joy. loosen up. hold onto other things. look ahead a bit more often. immerse yourself in life.

i am starting to find myself
wishing i was elsewhere

i am losing myself in
places i already know

forgetting where im from
is something ive managed
to become good at

i am playing an endless game
of hide-and-seek
with myself

there is a girl who wanders. who finds the beauty in all and finds herself in it as well. in every upturned rock and flower picked, a bit of her own is discovered as well, a new color, a smell, another layer of an endless aura. she would pull apart the stems of plants to see the water pour out, and lick the sweet of honeysuckles until she was sick to her stomach. everyone knew her as the girl who wanders, the girl whose head was stuck in the clouds, so much so that she memorized them, counted the blades of grass and watched the dew appear every morning. she was one with nature as it was with her...
until the day she began to wonder.

the facts she once knew of the earth began to turn into questions; into 'how' and 'why's, and the beauty no longer appeared, it now existed. she was searching instead of finding, feeling lost as she reeled through the forest. she thought, "why do the baby birds fall from the trees and never return? who would let such a thing occur?". every turn and twist morphed into something unanswered, her mind became filled with thoughts. it became so full, there were no flowers to grow anymore and nothing new to flourish them. now, when she pulled apart the stem of the plant, she would complain of the stickiness of it, how it contaminated her fingers. she would glare at how the dew dampened her new shoes, how the rocks made scrapes on her feet and the smell of pollen would make her sneeze. she felt grown up, but at the same time, empty (although filled with questions). every day was a repeat of the last, something always new to ruminate over and nothing to give her peace of mind.
nothing was fun anymore.
it all grew a bit too tiring for her.

on some days, the earth would try to remind her, to bring her back to it, but it was always unsuccessful. it would whisper in her ear, "please come back, we miss you..." but the coldness of the wind startled her and she hissed at the way it ruffled up her hair. there was no point, she wasn't the same girl anymore. instead of being filled with wander and discovery, she was bitter and empty. she went through life as if she was on the outside of it, looking in, barely able to reminisce on her old ways, only jealousy and sadness accompanied those thoughts...
ghost thoughts...she would call them. transparent and far away, something she could hardly imagine were real.

she would grow apart from the things she loved, too distracted to look back and rethink her actions. instead she trudged forward, only ever feeling grounded in her sleep.
ever so slowly, her sleep began to feel a bit more permanent. she would sleep and sleep and sleep, hoping that maybe in her dreams, she would find her way back to the forest. she never did.

she would sleep until her eyes became heavy, heavy, heavy, and heavier until she could no longer hold them up. into a deep sleep she tumbled...

and still there the forest did not appear.

im tired of trying my best for people who wont for me
im tired of feeling out of place in a place i never asked to be
I have not looked anyone in the eyes for weeks
living isnt living if you're losing

my mother asked me if i wanted to speak
i told her
i never want to have to speak
never wanted to be asked to speak
only statements can be said to me
questions make me seem weak

i wish i could write about love

the winter breathes
tense, tension, and all chest
the windy bones,
forests applaud,
they all want to know.
i wish i could
witness this midnight snow
rarity is reaccurring
friends are fleeting
so in love it’s numbing
the ground could expand
countries close to coasts
and still the feeling of red
won’t leave me alone

but like i get it
its prom season
and everyone’s in love

but while your floating
im drowning
and love can’t bring me up

IVE RESORTED TO WRITING WORDS I DONT BELIEVE
IN ORDER TO EVENTUALLY BELIEVE THEM

IVE REREAD EVERY FORTUNE COOKIE UNTIL MY EYES BLED
AND THERES A PERMANENT DENT IN MY PHONE
FROM THE AMOUNTS OF TIMES IVE PRESSED REPLAY ON MY "HAPPY" PLAYLIST

WHEN I TELL MYSELF ILL BE 100% OK
I HONESTLY DONT BELIEVE A WORD I SAY
BUT ISNT IT BETTER TO WISH FOR THE BEST
EVEN IF YOURE CERTAIN THE WORST WILL OCCUR

THE SMILE I GAVE YOU WHEN YOU INSULTED ME
MAY HAVE BEEN FAKE
BUT FAKE FEELS SO MUCH BETTER THEN BEING BITTER

do you know what it feels like
not to recognize a thing?

the sound of my own voice has never been so distant
ive never felt so less selfish

she said
not to pity myself
i said
there is nothing to pity
i am fine
but everything else isn't

the incline is so much shorter than the fall
i wish i could physically touch
the thing holding me up

maybe then we wouldnt feel so far apart

the standard definition of anxiety is this: "a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome."

last night was one of the worst nights ive had in over a year

i was plagued with anxiety the moment i walked into my house
and it didn't seem to fade with a shower
or tea
or even my favorite killers album

unnecessary fear surged through me like fire
and when i laid my head down to sleep
my head would not stop yelling unrealistic but terrifying scenarios

mom told me to snap out of it
and i almost snapped her neck in half

anxiety is not something you can control
i don't think im being cute, and i sure as hell am not doing it for attention

anxiety is almost impossible to explain
anxiety is this:

going go the doctors office at 2pm with your stomach in knots
and nausea in the pit of your stomach
finding out that it was no big deal
and then feeling like crap for making it all about you

one day, buy art supplies instead of clothes

choose not to trust many of those around you, except for the stars and strangers
love them more than yourself
let yourself feel something else
just for a month

it does not take a year to rewind
only a mindset
it’s all temporary if you want it to be

look at what only you want so see
take your life back and listen
hear the wind
and go with it.

i am far from finding home here

the letters my eyes have skimmed from my brain

are all wishing me farewell

even the clouds wave me away

this path is better walked alone

and nothing i say is ever set in stone

no deadlines are due

nothing i say gets to you

or is said in truth

comfort is a fleeting nostalgic feeling
maybe my comfort 
is when I’m uncomfortable 

let my heartbeats lead the way

in time with my steps

forget everything you’ve ever learned
don’t reminisce in the voices 
you’ve never heard

i am my favorite song
i am rhythms and patterns, strategically placed
i am mezzo-piano
i am fortissimo

I am dynamics and crescendo
i am all the words i don't know

i am the sound of my guitar
with the "phaser" **** turned up

i will be amplified, i will be loud
and looped
and manic.

im the noise you can't get out of your head
i am sound
i am a whisper and a shout
perfectly blended

i am velocity
i am the build-up
and then the drop

i am the echo in a dark room
i am my favorite song.

i've been staggering lately
decided that i'm not even fooling anyone
kidding myself maybe, though

it's eat, guilt, repeat
eat, guilt, repeat
100, 200, never exceed the 3

i'm smart.
so why do i leave my jacket at home
so i can burn off that extra 21?
"why do you have that memorized?"

blood shot eyes,
therapy,
emergency rooms,
believe it or not,
telling me i have OCD
gives me no ******* clarity

and then what if it's worse?
times change people change
but my yearning for another life
remains the same.

i know its not a joke
but i tried to code my suicide note yesterday
mom says where's the smart girl i used to know?
we tragically had to let her go

111.2 is getting harder and harder to get used to.

do you see behind their words?
youve been wrapped around their finger so much that youve rung out
a shell of a man is what you have become

do they love you or the promises you make?
do they know how much for her youve thrown away?

nah, they never bend until theyve broken anyway
and youll turn around and everyone will be gone
whipped is what they call it
but how long will you wander?
you should quit your head for a real friend

hopefully in three years your eyes burn at the sight of me

this is how you'll find me:

ill be standing in the corner of the party
hand in hand with a pretty girl, or guy, or anyone else or none at all
ill be wearing my favorite grey button up with my calvin klein bow tie

and I won't have spent a single thought on you

you'll see me from across the room
and i bet your hands would sweat
i bet you'd ignore me and attempt to block me from your mind
not knowing that i would always be there

you succeed until i wave you over
id ask you how your life has been
with the most sincere smile on my face
you question me with your eyes
and i don't waste my time with an answer

because here's the thing,
i don't have time to waste on you
and you know im bitter
ive always been that way

but i don't want you to hate me
i want you to envy what could have been

it's taken a while for me to realize that
im not as deep as i seem
im a poser, a fake if you will
im pretentious and i gloat and spew garbage just like the rest of us
and i know i can be so much better

i know im not taking care of myself as best i should
and honestly, i know it doesn't all go uphill from here
it's rocky and treacherous
it's down, up, and down again
it's getting up and dusting yourself off

i ******* up
ive gotten bad again

but this turn in the cycle won't stop me
i can't change the weather
but i can alter the atmosphere

we are all wanderers,
climbing this rocky mountain
it's never-ending and there's no peak
but if you tilt your head and change your perspective
it all gets a bit smoother  

let me tell you again kid,
you're not as deep as you think you are
and you're not as sad as you think you are

rock bottom is not a fun place to be
you can't control your battles
but you sure as hell can fight

bathroom floors always feel colder at night
and
i guess depression can never quite leave ones mind
and
i guess my dad can never get his head on right
but
its all in my head, these things
its all make believe
right?

weve been edging on a state all summer
and
perhaps i forgot the difference between happy and apathy
but
you know ******* everything don't you?
cuz i cant feel a ******* thing

i said i felt good or good enough
but i chased this demon and boxed it up
i spun stories all undone now, figured out pushing down is better than falling flat on the ground

bring me to church and even closer to tears again
show me the things i hadn't known i'd been trying to forget
and
hold my shaking arms as i fall apart in your hands and
ask me if i feel so tough
is that enough?
will it ever be ******* enough?

its a bitter thing these limbo summers are.

i prefer to think of titles after ive written the song

i need a break from people i see so frequently
im falling into traps more easily
i need new friends and a stronger defense

my considerate eyes and hopeful thoughts
so quickly turn to those that rot
id love to not have to hope
how does it feel to just be?
is anyone else truly alive in this world?
or just me?

this is raw honesty
i don't want your pity

hoping is like watching paint dry
ive got good intentions
but no reward at the end of it all

i don't want to "have been"
i want to be!
i want to not get-bored-of
i want to see the light in hoping again

i hope to god you didn't forget about me
because i will never forget about you
trust me, and this may not make sense
but I've never wished the worst upon you.

i want you to be the best you can be,
and gosh dang it i miss you missing me.

arent you tired of talking about me in the past tense?

yes, i do the let phone ring and ring and ring until it stops choking me as your name flickers off the screen
i let your name linger on my lips like some sort of bad dream
i lie awake shedding layers and wanting to scream, do you know how much of me you haven't seen?
do you think of me as you go to sleep?

and maybe i do shine light on things i'd rather keep inside, maybe i dwell on things when they've already been unraveled away. maybe i think too much and fill myself with sad songs and one word answers and pity filled sighs, maybe i act like a child and curl up and hide when things get too wild, and maybe i do lie.

but i miss how your hand felt in mine, i miss talking to you without thinking before every line, i miss how i would associate you with a field of light. but now you make me want to die.

i'll miss you as you were,
but never as you are now.

i hope you learn to grow in yourself,
move yourself around a bit,
fill that obvious pit in your stomach

maybe then you'll have some room left to squeeze me in.

my heart never aches for hearts ive never known
selfishness is something ive learnt to live with
holding apathy close like a positive trait
like loneliness is a medal to be proud of
but i know its not

fear tastes like metal on skin
and ive grown to hide things in plain sight just to avoid letting anyone in
my mind is like a broken computer
loading
loading
never letting
neverending
forever pending

supposing that these things are irrelevant
id bet on letting people i love go
though id rather have feeling gone
then being alone

if He could only spare a minute of time
to listen to my damp shoes on pavement
or the way i never seem to look someone in the eye
maybe then
he'd show a sign

perhaps the fighting ceases where another war begins

i don't know if i look weak anymore
perhaps i've changed appearance
unrecognizable to others
and to myself
i no longer know who i am

i ask for advice
only to be given time
to wait
just wait it out
just keep holding on
well how long is holding on?
how long until this all stops?
you say to tailor on
to remember and practice and revise and do something and feel something and god ****** why can't  i feel anything?

you've felt numb before
this isn't it
this is beyond numb
this is disorder and some

you float on
'hold on'
but it never comes along
there's not much hope you can find in songs
routine is taking too long

i want to fall through the floor i stand on

in what way do you expect me to rejoice?
when there's chaos all around me
in this silence i am drowning

when my best day
is another's worst nightmare
all my prayers are ignored

i close my eyes before i ever shoot
i can shoot them arrows with my eyes
but still i can't look at you

my hands shake before i pull the trigger
but when there's adrenaline theres rhythm
and when there's music ive got eagle eye precision

we're finding out this is all we've got
while i learn
you're chugging bottles just to feel it burn

and i know i said id stop
i know i said I'd quit
but this war won't end so ill stay here just as long

wish i could go back
to falling apart
ive never learned how
to replace it all
its all static
stupid
chasing the fall
like a dog
somehow i get stuck in the tone of its call

guilty for nothing
chewing off cords,
can you hold my hand
like you did before
am i too big
to lay in your lap
i know i wanted to leave
but can i please come back

i am always your eyes
between your ankles on the floor
i’m what you can’t see in yourself anymore

there's a time and a place for thoughts
this isn't.
im figuring it out, disregarding the things that hinder me
this may be a dream,
and you'll never understand my fears
but guilt is terrifying (it all is)

im pushing the negative out of my head
(trying)
and filling it with flowers that bloom into heart palpitations and shaky breathes

i know this doesn't rhyme, i know you hate it
and won't you just admit it?
that YOU DONT CARE?!
because you don't
and neither do i

i hope you never leave me hanging
i hope my relatives never expect me to call back
i won't

im not scared when im with you though,
but im not in love
because God knows im scared shitless of that

you don't get why im scared of my thoughts
falling into the wrong hands
im scared of getting old
but yet excited to get there
its exhausting

im not as soft as you think i am
im hard and loud and frankly
im terrified
im always either too much
or not enough

and this sounds bitter.
which says a lot doesn't it?
shouldn't it?
im working on it, ok?
im losing my mind over this.

i am slowly improving, growing, and learning to breathe
times are tough
but i am tougher
it's taken me years to realize
that i don't have to be good
I just have to be better than i was before

this is stretching, flying, drifting.
i am no longer dwelling
and when i am
it's fading

this is failing, wiping, closing.
this is shutting my eyes
and breathing
for once in my life

this isn't dwelling
this is living

this is me
trying

im tired of all of these metaphors
let me tell it to you straight

I MISS YOU
I MISS NOT CARING
I MISS HAVING SOMEONE TO CALL UPON
I THINK YOUVE FORGOTTEN ME
I CANT HIDE FROM YOU ANYMORE
YOU ARE EVERYWHERE
I DONT DESERVE A THING IVE GOT

i am so SICK and TIRED of people telling me just to COPE
i can't cope anymore when everything smells like you and tastes like you and i keep thinking that
it's a sign from you

and so many
"maybe if i was younger"s

but i can't hide a guilty heart
my black hair is matted and seems to turn grey in the light
if i hadn't done that one thing
on that one day
would i be so ******* as I am now?

can you keep a secret?
i hate hiding from you
i really do

it doesn't seem like summer anymore
this untangle of distance between me
and waiting for me to be me
it feels like too long weekends
and a too long endless errand
it doesn't feel like gloss and honey
like sun rays hitting suntanned tummies
it doesn't feel safe
just like i'm playing too safe
like the sun just makes me insane

and so i purchase to feel
wear to trick people into thinking
i am worth something just by
the linen and cotton that cover this decay
i call a body
i'm forgetting days
like they're old phone numbers
i just remember the beat to my favorite song
the chords i play on my guitar
the agony of symptoms that lasted too long

the never-answered questions of
am i doing enough?

because the answer is always no
and i'm stuck in a non existent loophole
where everything is go or no go
and god knows we can't have both
and so i'm stuck again, between truth and false
between me and feeling
between feeling or falling

seeing or fleeting.

wait til i take it
what will it take for you to stop?
will i have to stop telling myself over and over that its not fake its not fake its too real to be fake
"theres nothing he cant take"

im so sorry my problems arent real enough for you
somethings my mother wont know
though
its hurts to know it hurts her
forgetting has always been my sort of forgiveness

a friend of mine once told me that the opposite of love, is to be
self centered
but the opposite of love is not selfishness
but selflessness

i am too self reliant to fall in love
not dependent enough
too busy not trusting myself
to believe someone else could dare to not let me go

i hope it feels good
hope her hands burn like the words burning me to conceal yours

theres always been a slither of hope
in my point of view
maybe that hope is only small for a few.

(2)

Oh,
So it is bad again

But it's never the same is it?
It's always something, isn't it
It's lonely but unfamiliar
A minute and you're here, there,
you forget to breathe so you panic
go figure.

summer seemed like a dream but I've passed on now, and I'm beginning to wake myself up
you see these people in love
but I can't even unwrap my ******* tongue

it's hurts to think that you might never become
and you just wanna talk to someone, anyone
but isn't this the start you asked for from God?
my god, doesn't it seem so hard to believe in me anymore?

this patience of mine is wearing thin and what happens when it isn't
when an impossible wish, a sorry strength, a terrible addiction to perseverance what happens when it isn't?

i'm gone, or perhaps this is all
i've moved, i've waited for months, now what?

be yourself
but then who's in control?

the rain reminds me of the lights you said you could see from your window at night
i distinctly remember thinking
this is all ill ever be
this is the best ill ever get

and everything is wrong
and everything I say is a lie
But i don't think ill live that long

i don't want to fight anymore
the orange light is reminding me that
ill never go home
and my feet are cold and sore

im tactful im resourceful
and ill shut my eyes when i need to

one day i will stretch my arms across my peach light duvet and the sun will peek through the window and none of us will fleet.

today i found out that i don't belong in the city
that close perimeters and heat and hustle is not me
that the glint of glare on high glass is not the shine my eyes need
though sun on open roads and in trees is and the feeling of discreet
that is what it means to feel free

i want to drive on open roads
convenience stores, dusk til dawn, houses that actually come built with lawns
'no trespassing' signs on paved paths
not the sound of a cars horn, but of the chatter and noise of a birds laugh
i want to feel alone in myself
all the while feeling more of me than any else
i want to feel good
and look good
and let you take me out when the night is pleasant

but to come home with another foreign sunset
a homemade, plant based, natural toothpaste kind of place
with people of all kinds
waving hello and goodbye
feeling flushed and content with the wink of an eye

i wish, if for nothing else at all,
to feel at home in this world
i wish for my time to be finally made mine.

i wish to feel present
never five steps ahead of time