I keep falling in love with you.
I think it's time I stop trying to fight it.

How many times does the average person fall in love?
Hmm maybe 10?
Or is it just once?
I've strongly felt desire.
And I've strongly felt lust.
But only now am I coming to terms with the fact that I have no idea what I feel when I think of you.
They tell me I must be crazy..
But this heartache is stronger than any other.
It's got to be love.
It just has to be.

They don't even know I'm listening. **** sake.

I've never had somebody want me so bad that they'd spend money to get a flight to see me....

I told you I would write about you..
And maybe show you.
So if your eyes stumble upon this then that means I've probably shown you..
You really matter to me..
Talking with you is easy.
I hardly know you
I don't know when your birthday is
I don't know your parents names
But you talk to me as though I'm significant.
And that means a lot to me.
So it's 2.30am and I'm writing about you..
I don't write about different people too often.
I usually give up halfway through...
Trying to think of something positive.
Racking my thoughts and fighting to remember something worth writing about.....
But this is coming easily.
Which means I must really like you.....
You make me happy when I'm about to break down completely.
It takes a lot of goodness to do that..
Mark.
Thank you.
You're a truly amazing person..

Have you ever felt your heart breaking?
Not just crying because somebody said no to you or something petty like that.
Have you ever literally felt your chest cave in on itself and burn with a searing pain?
Have you ever lost all control of your legs after hearing a simple sentence?
I've had my heart broken a number of times.
All equally as painful.
But this....
This is something much more.
He seems to have broken my soul.
I feel fragments of myself falling from my body.
And I know it's not just a heartbreak this time...

Before you get to know me
Let me tell you something.
I've made plans
To make plans
About making plans.
But I'm getting tired of that version of myself.
So before you get to know me.
Here's to never making plans.
We will do crazy things.
Or maybe we'll just sit on your couch.
And we'll go with the wind and see where we end up.
So before you get to know me...
Know that I'm not going to stay the same.
And I'm going to take all kinds of crazy risks.
I just don't care anymore.
Society can go **** itself.
And all of its stupid plans.

Follow my twitter @littleruthie8 I'd love to see some of you guys there!!!

So that Australian I fell in love with is coming back next week.
And guess what?
I'll be boarding a plane the very day he lands in Dublin.
I guess everything happens for a reason.
And I guess our two souls just aren't supposed to be together.....

I've made a promise to myself that I'll get over you.
I won't message you.
I won't call you.
And I will try my hardest not to think about you.
I don't know how long this will last
Or if I'll just eventually forget you
The way you forgot me.
But I will try.
That is a promise I have to keep.
Because you promised to come back for me....

I guess you're getting tired of my drunk phone calls at 3am.
I guess you don't care about my slurred sentences begging
For you to come back.
And I guess you're happy laying there alone when you know I'm just breaking into peices without you to hold..

"Hey there"

"Sorry I'm so late. She held me up again."

"Oh, it's okay. It was only twenty minutes.. Today should be fun!"

"I forgot something, hold on will you?"

"of course!"
I always waited on him. He was too good to me. He treated me normal. Not like a fragile price of china about to break in a billion peices.

"there we go. If I don't text her in ten minutes she'll freak.. Sorry!"

"aww no haha, you're grand! I get it!"

We walked a little bit then turned into his salon. He shut the doors. It was way past closing time.

"what'll we do today Ruth?"

"surprise me!"

He winks at me... It's not a flirtatious kind of wink. Just a wink to say 'I'm happy you're in a good mood' that's all.

I set my stuff down behind the counter and he leads me by the arm to this dark room with sinks and shampoo in it. I sat down on a chair and he just pressed this remote control and I reclined slowly, and the chair mechanically gave me a back massage... It was flawless. The ceiling of dim lights was wonderful to look at, not too ******* my soft vision at all.

"how's the water babe?"

"huh? Yeah it's perfect!"

Wait. Did he just call me babe or?
He massaged my temples and played with my hair for what seemed like a lifetime.. Neither one of us broke the silence. It was perfect.

"c'mere let's go... I've gotta surprise you. Remember?"

So we walked out of the confined space that would be absolutely perfect for a first kiss... Which never happened.... Because obviously he's happy with his girlfriend. (NOT FINISHED!!!!!)

You know what's hard?
Getting up every morning and being perky and pouring your coffee in front of everyone and pretending you weren't crying until 4am.

You know what's hard?
Getting dressed and putting on your make up trying desperately to impress someone... Hoping for a miracle.

You know what's hard?
Leaving the house and having every single thing remind you of a certain person. Oh we kissed there. Oh he goes to the gym there. Oh he drove me home there.

You know what's hard?
Lying to every single person when they ask you if you're too warm in your baggy jumpers, when they ask you how you're doing. Oh I'm fine, yourself? It's a monotonous reply.

You know what's hard?
Losing every inch of yourself. I've no idea who I was before. And every single time I fall for someone new (which has only happened 5 times. I'm not a crazy ****.) I lose part of who I am. And I get happy for a bit but then they leave.

You know what's not hard?
Hurting myself. I seem to be able to do that with ease. Razor blades and pencil sharpeners seem to dissolve out of their screws and plastic. It's so easy. And falling. That's another thing I find easy. I fall way too fast for people who really don't deserve it. Only I fall rarely so it hurts worse....

You know what's hard?
Love.
Life.
Breathing.
Being me.

I must sound like a complete nutcase to people I only tell small parts of my story to.
Because I swore to myself I'd never tell anyone the whole thing.

Oh my.
I haven't been this suicidal in a long time.

Im currently curled up attempting to read my favourite book and tears keep spilling out and I'm sorry if this doesnt turn out as poetic or if there's loads of mistakes. I just can't stop crying
The tears are burning and it's like acid rain and I'm crying over the love I never got over, the love that was completely pretend, the love that's impossible, the love that's too far away and all the other little heartbreaks in between
So my tears jus keep coming and there's an overwhelming sadness in my chest and my legs and my hands.
And I need to say goodbye before this gets worse

Why do I keep letting people get too close
My fragile heart can't cope anymore

Sorry but my last days are coming..

The noose is smooth against my skin

Sorry but it'll be over soon.

"I'm a little bit lost without you, and I'm a ****** big mess inside.."
        ~ Scouting For Girls

This line depicts exactly how I feel about you right now.
I'm lost.
And scared.
And confused.
Darling I've never felt this way.
And the fact that you left just as I fell makes it even worse.

My voice doesn't shake when I talk out loud anymore
And my heart doesn't sink when I see you with her

And my wrists aren't hurt
And my legs are clear

Only thin scars as a reminder that you were ever here.

We walked down the street
Unknown to you and me
We sat at the bar and talked
For a lifetime
About where we had been
And the city's that we've seen
And the way leaves are changing
And the way the waves are breaking

But we went our seperate ways
With the hope of that Sunday
And other get togethers
Sometime soon

Dancing in my mind
Running through the wind
Your voice plays pretend
With my heart.
And loving you is simple
Until you leave again
Then I'm laying here
Replaying it forever

And that Sunday in the cafe
We drank wine
And fell asleep
But beneath those shining lights
Was a god right there for me

And you'll dance in my mind
Until I fall asleep
And I'll wake up with no Evidence
Of you
Ever on these sheets...

Oh so darling
Can you stop dancing
You're making me dizzy
And I'm losing my mind

Because you're beautiful
And I can't stop
I'm writing about you
In letters
And random napkins
That I find in town


So don't stop dancing...
Because I'll see you soon.
When the moon has the same face
In both cities that were in.

And you'll be with me.
Even just one night.
Oh you'll lay beside me
And keep me safe
And remind me that soon
Again one day
We'll be together
If we keep dancing through
Each others brains...

You can fall back to your hometown
Pass a billion pretty girls
Leave me wondering for years

But none of it was real darling
You meant nothing babe
And I told you that it would work
Just so you would stay

And I lost something real that day
I lost what I thought was love
I'm still writing about you
As you travel round with her.

Call me a fool but I can't help but see
Your smile
When I close my eyes..


And I must admit
I do miss you.
And I hate that I know
We will never work.

Everyone that matters to me forgot about my birthday...

It's okay though.

I probably won't have another...

Twenty five minutes into my birthday and I'm a bit sad.........

I knew I shouldn't have let myself fall that fast that day..........

I've felt every single emotion while thinking about you and I've known you 5 days.

If this isn't something special then I don't know what is..

I told you it was him.
I went to ****** therapy.

I told you it was school.
You let me leave.

But what I never said was that it was dad.
And the way he drinks too much.

And I never said it was you.
And me worrying about your illness.

But it's this house.
That's what drives me insane.

Because him without a bottle
And you and your broken brain..

It just doesn't work.

So I have to pretend I'm better.
Pretend I don't hurt anymore.

Because blaming him and school

Was so much easier than blaming dad and you...

Two years ago the shower was a refuge.
A place away from my thoughts.
It was relaxing.

But it's become a hell.
The scalding water burns out my cries
And the blades sit neatly on the edge.

Crying in the shower is easy.
Probably because I can't feel exactly how much of my heart is breaking.

I can't feel how much salted sadness is falling from my eyes.
But I feel it in my heart.

I feel heavy.
My knees go weak and I must scramble to the floor.

There I curl up into my scarred body and make marks with razors where your hands used to be.

What the hell have you done?

Stumbling through the city
I'm a pretend fire.
You've got a blanket on tote heart cause you know I'm a liar.

And I've brushed against your hand just a few too many times.
But you don't seem to move away
Keeping steady lines.

Woahh
I think I'm falling..
And woahh
I think I'm losing who I was..


And woahh
You think you know me but you don't...
Cause oh oh you ain't ever gonna get close..


My walls are too high
For your bloodshot eyes
And my drink is to strong
I can feel it inside..

And now you're traveling trough Europe with your 'friend'
And she's beautiful, and she's wonderful...
But you said you were all alone.
And what if she's more than a friend to you.
Where does that leave me?
Cause I've a feeling I ain't forgetting you for quite a while....
But I kinda need you to remember me too......

It's 4am and I still can't sleep
My insomnia came rushing back the day I met you
I just don't wanna miss you..
Even if that's all I can do
Are my words making sense babe
Are they
Because I'm not too sure
I just keep breathing
Breathing the words
As though inhaling your sweet smell
I cannot stop thinking about you
And it's 4am
And you don't even know me.
And I don't know you.

I ******* fell for a man I knew two ******* days.
****.

And what if you forgot about me the minute you boarded your flight...
Maybe that's why I'm staying awake searching for your reply...
What if love to you is just a game...
See how many 'gorgeous' girls you can *****...
Then forget their name....

And you've probably met a million other girls just like me.
Ones who've given you everything.
And they're probably waiting up.
Staring at the phone.
Wondering where you are....

And if you're coming home...

I think if I woke up next to you
I'd beg to runaway.

If not now..... When?

When will I find someone like you again.

We've got eighty years or so to live.
And I've almost wasted 20 of them.
Then once I hit 40 I've no opportunitys to take.

So why the **** not.
I have 20 years to enjoy myself and do crazy things.



I've made my decision.
Now come a little closer babe....

I wish I could have at least kissed you goodbye.......

I found a haven
In the corner of my room
With your favourite book
Wearing your sweater filled with that sweet perfume.

Tonight I think I'll write a reply to one of your songs.......

Have you ever tried to literally shake the thoughts of somebody out of your head?
I'm finding I do that quite a lot these days.

Sitting on my bedroom floor
Replaying all your perfect words
Your voice will echo in my mind
For until we get to speak next time

I'm missing the feeling of having you near
I'm losing out on life my dear.
Please don't play pretend.
My fragile heart shall love again.

Listening to his CD right now.
****.
I really like him.
August.
Hurry up.

He's the type of thought that makes me throw my hands up to my face and push my hair back in a sudden motion of hiding my smiles and delight.

I don't know if I give him the same thoughts but the butterflies in my stomach are raging and violent.
For the first time I don't feel empty.
Not anymore.

I just can't seem to stop thinking about you.

I'm superstitious.
I always have been.
I don't think that part of me will ever change.
And I've been making 11.11 wishes for quite some time.
And sometimes they work.
My recent one worked.
In a completely backwards and crazy way.
I'm not gonna say what I wished for but it has something to do with a man named Sam.
I thought I loved him.
I wanted there to be an us.
But then one day I ran into you.
You weren't the Sam I was expecting.
But you're Sam.
And you like me.
And you actually want me.
And it's as if my 11.11 wish was answered.
It just got mixed up.
And I believe everything happens for a reason.
And I believe this could be something wonderful.....

I had a wonderful dream.
You didn't care about what people thought.
You just wanted to be happy.
And you loved me.
You really did.
And you asked me to travel the world with you.
And the funny thing is...
I did.
I just dropped everything and left this crazy town.

Let's get really really intoxicated and touch each other until we know every inch and evey curve like the way we know our favourite songs..

But you're my ticket out of this town.
I just don't know if I'm ready to leave right now...

I can only imagine your body on mine.
Our heat in that stuffy apartment.
You're perfect.
I'm an amateur.
You make it so easy..

My daydreams are getting out of control... Forgive me.

Message me or something, it doesn't matter who you are.

But if I met up with the Australian guy and kind of slept with him after I turn 18 in a few weeks would i regret it?


I'm sorry this isn't poetry but I love how so many people here don't judge....

So today I found out that you don't just call anybody gorgeous..
And I also found out that when you're back in Dublin you want to go for drinks again..
But you want me to lie and say I'm sleeping at a friends.
The visions you've planted in my mind are beautiful.
I just really want to be with you.......
Really.

I knew it was too good to be true.
You're rushing to the airport as I sit on this bus with any hope of meeting you completely dissolved into my broken heart.
I knew It.
****.