It came as a wave
I was doing the back stroke
felt the clear water beneath me
it was calm at first
safe even
I didn't think about how deep it was
I didn't think about how dark it could get
I thought about how clear the water was
how warm the surface was
the moon and the sun fought to be my light
my legs went under
then my waist
then my arms
my body started to tingle
I only glanced
the depth was luring
I felt myself slip into the paralyzingly cold water
I couldn't feel the sun anymore
the moon laughed
the water wasn't calm anymore
it was time
my head went under
I had oxygen but it only lasted so long
my head felt light & I wasn't in control anymore
I seen creatures you'd never see at the surface
I drifted & didn't dare gasp
The jellyfish danced around me as I watched everything go black  
They just danced

Once in a blue moon

You find yourself
You look in the mirror, into your reflection
& wish to catch the tears falling

I wish the moon & I could embrace
For it’s blessed me with another night
of its brilliance

Blue moon, blue moon
You make me woeful
Why must you bring out the ocean in me

I’m losing myself
I got nothing but me
Back to the waters I’ll be

You bite the bullet and hold the gun
But you stand in front of the mirror all day
Acting stunned

& the day carries on
& the earth continues to turn
but not without a storm
the universe crying out for your existence

Don’t kiss me when your tongue still licks your lips with despair
Don’t breathe words of hate before connecting lips with mine
Don’t kiss me with lips of confusion
Don’t touch me with lips of resentment
& call it love
Don’t kiss me

I go to the washroom to freshen up
The bar is loud
I smell something familiar
Smells like you
It smells like you
Comfort
I don't want to lose you
I'm sorry
I'm ******, I know
We're fcked
We know

I come over & embrace the one I considered dad at some point.
I grab a piece of birthday cake from a somber room filled with all too familiar eyes that say too much. They ache.
Quick tongues & vacant hearts.
Shaky hands & no love worth calling art.
These are the actions of the product of generational trauma & broken homes.
Halfway through my cake before we hear threats of death from liquored breath.
I continue to eat because it’s the only thing I would call sweet in that visit.
Everywhere I turned there was a story, ones that would make you weep if you had empathy & a reason.
I finished the slice of cake & finally break, call my mother because she’s a strong woman I know.
I learnt it from her but this time I couldn’t help. I couldn’t help this time.
I couldn’t ******* help.
I cursed God
I cursed the moon
I cursed myself
& then I cursed some more
Easy to understand the picture when you’re in it because it’s not just a moment it’s moments & more.
I fear for the future & what is & could be.
But I know fear is the devil so I’ll try not to curse no more.

Books upon books stacked on
the few bookshelves in my bedroom
I haven't read any
Watermarked ceiling
Hazy mellow lighting lures the shadows
Full ashtray
Chamomile tea
Two honey

I sit here by my window
It’s slightly cracked
The wind outside sounds frigid
& the array of snowdrifts remind me of
the weather from when I was a child.
It’s crazy to think how the universe
works with my being.
I’m in a renewal stage in which
I need to tend to my inner child
& the world entices it.
I miss the calm
the silence
I need to indulge in that more
I felt childlike & awakened, tested, walking through those knee high snow drifts.
It was exhilarating in a sense.
Playing through those snow drifts
on the rez as a child, it seemed like a
treacherous wonderland.
Now those words are each of there own.

I had never known a love that strayed so quick
I had known only love that wanted to stay, fight, that was hooked, infatuated, that I couldn’t shake  
Even if the air was thick

There’s mumbled sorrys for reasons apparently unknown
No aggression or solutions
Just stay or goodbyes
Transfixed on what if’s
Afraid of what the truth transpires

because time doesn’t lie

I want to dance
I really do
& there’s something about the way
the wind spins & moves that I envy
I long for a partner so syncopated
in soul & flesh that we move
like the wind

It was December 13 & I was filled with
smouldering sure fire
So easy to let the hate hold me high
It’s ice & fire
Hate with steady hands
& head held steady
But tears welled with patience of what
will no longer be
I didn’t let the hate take me this time
It’s so easy
It was like a skate on the ice
3:18

You know that serene feeling you get when you sway in a hammock, eyes closed, sun hugging you, earth humming around you while you feel everything
I imagine that’s what it feels like to kiss you  
Like the up on a swing
When you can nearly touch the sky

I'm endeavored
Devoured
Only to be showered with unwanted flowers
Is it so
Is this dream beyond me
I'm not stuck in the inbetween am I?
I'm not trapped am I?
You're not my nightmare
are you?

It's a renewal

Oh,

We're all dying

The seasons are changing
The tides are turning
The earth is burning

We're all going down

Oh,

The Beauty in it all

Today my mind isn’t very kind
Today I am not very kind
Because today
My mind told me when I woke
When I was curling my lashes
To **** myself
My mind
Told me to die today

Today
My mind isn’t very kind

Today

My mind isn’t very kind to me

I'm in the ocean
Sun is going down
I'm laying on a door, floating
The warmth is hugging me
I feel my heartbeat in my fingertips

Your eyes with depth
longing & inescapable
true was my love
but freedom at last
my wounds you kept
bandages in your back pocket
healing was not my strength
but strength to courage
I took your breath
behind my eyes I felt the pressure
we hoped
but we knew
hope was our weapon
to holster it was the next step
russian roulette we wouldn't dare

Bullets flying
coincidentally none strike  
smoke ablaze
but unnoticed
was the bullet between her teeth
unharmed she appears
the bullet drops to the dirt
her teeth crumble
her tongue bleeds
and a single tear escapes
so effortlessly
as though it was yearning to be freed
but of which emotion
no one will know

The blade is dull
but not dull enough
so I scratch in just enough to see red
I can feel my mind & body calm
focused
at ease
no stinging
numb
did I subconsciously pick this spot
as a reminder?
not enough red
it's a test
why?
the music isn't loud enough
flip the switchblade
relapsed.

a year later
we hadn't talked
the sun started to melt away the
evening summer sky
it was just us at the top of the hill
we gazed
we chattered
boards at the ready; familiar
you reached for my hand
& your touch
your touch felt blissfully comfortable
careful stop at the bottom of the hill
i didn't want to let go

With a grin across her face
“Must I be my own muse?”

I lay piles of sodium
At the corners of my room and windowsill
The feathers still
on the window

My head is throbbing
My mind no where
But everywhere
Stomach churning
Eyes burning

Only half the lights work
It doesnt feel right being back here
I can still hear the echoes of her little voice
Reciting the prayer "Our Father"
Is that the name of it?
I haven't recited it in so long

It was there again
I mean
It came to me again
With a slow numbness
N grip on the throat
Weight on my chest
& shake of my head
It was all there again
Again
Once again
It’s got me
This time it was terrifying
Because I’d have lived
Without
For longer this time
So this time it felt like
Fear
Instead of comfort

What’s to say you will know?


The fiery being you are detests to your celestial existence

Death
Sentients
  
Forever a delusion
What have I transpired?

I believe I’ve thought about writing this
Or have written this far too many times
In my life
I just know once I’m no longer here
Everyone will have words of
FINALLY

You said I reminded you of music.
I know music is one of your favourite things.
The pressure.
You'd wake me with kisses & caress my skin.
But what happens when your fingertips come across my imperfections.
The shame.
You say I'm more than you could ever ask for.
But what happens when I tell you there is more.
The guilt.
You have your addictions, like we are with tarring our lungs. What if you found that I do it because it slowly kills me.
The irony.

Being a.l.o.n.e.
Nothing short of the feeling of emptiness
But not quite there because we are never
truly
alone
In those moments you find blessings
Find laughter in yourself & your so called thoughts
In those moments you learn what it
feels like to be embraced by yourself
& take notice in the air around you
To be Alone
is lonely, yes
But what is life without a lil reverence
Most often found in those times of
L.o.n.i.l.i.n.e.s.s.

There is an eeriness to it now
Your presence
Bleak
So complete with irony & memories
you’d think it was a
Statement

You’re blessed in the sense
Of having the ability to be
Be unaware
So unaware that there’s a
Luring feeling to you

The way you so easily adapt
To the chaos
So used to that chaos that it’s
Comfortable

Don’t be

You searched
but you never knew what for
the answers were given
but still
unknown to you
my love for you
I didn't dare remind you
washed & worn out
unfamiliar & dry
you hoped but lost
lost & not confidently at this time