It's 1 am
and I'm laying here,
wide awake,
clininging onto
thoughts of you and
the words you once said.

It's crazy, isn't it,
how a month can fly by
& simultaneously feel
like forever.

It's a whirlwind,
that's what it is.

A tornado of words:

I miss you,
Hold me,
I wish you were
here..

Except
I can't
hold you,
or be there
and for that,
I am so sorry.

But believe me when I say
that I miss you.

Because for now,
words are all I have.

Hey, Gram.
It's been awhile.
Do you miss us down here?
I miss your smile.
Can you believe it's already been nine years?
Me neither,
but there's been a whole lot of good times,
and a whole lot of tears.

I find myself wishing I could hear your
laugh, or even just your voice
one more time..
at least inside my mind,
it doesn't seem like you're gone.

I thought I'd just write you a little letter
to let you know you're still so loved
and though it's gotten a little better,
I sometimes wish you weren't
waiting up above,
but still down here with us.

That's just me being selfish,
but our little family is growing.
I'm sure you've seen G
and how big she's getting.
Gram, you'd love her so much,
she has your eyes.

And Chrissy's getting married,
I promise you'd love Monica, too.
She makes all of us laugh so much -
something you used to do.

But it's time for me to sign off here
and stop before I cry,
cause God knows
I always get a little choked up
whenever you cross my mind.

I wish you were here,
I love you,
and I miss you every day.

Love,
Your Punka-doodle-do
Forever & Always

You tell me you have a confession,
You say that you can't lie.
You'd think I'd learn my lesson
from the last time I caught butterflies.

You say you're being selfish,
and I stay watching from the sidelines.
I only got that first kiss -
you never really were mine.

So tell me,
How can you miss something
that was never, ever yours?
I can't stand by and watch you;
I can't hold on anymore.

How can you be "friends" with someone
when you never were just friends?
I knew this would never fare well for either of us,
I knew that this was how it would end.

But I can't help my heart
when it misses you
or that I see you still
when I close my eyes.
I can't help my longing,
or my wistful wishing
for your hand when it finds mine.

But my wishes, they're purely ghosts
of moments that never were.
I almost had you, but -
I lost you,
because 'almost'.. isn't enough.

I miss you most
when I'm lying in bed
and I roll over
to find you
anywhere
but next to me.

My arms are empty,
but my heart
is so full.

I see you
when I close my eyes
and in
the corners of my mind
but it has been
quite a while
since I have seen you
in front of me
and been able
to touch you,
to feel you,
to hold you.

I want to memorize
the look in your eyes
when you're happiest
and kiss your tears away
when you cry.
And I want to see
the anger in your face
when you're mad at me
so I can let you be,
and then laugh
and tell you to
come here, baby,
come and
let me hold you.

Just let me look at you
so I can forever remember
the sparkle in your eyes
and the gentle curl
of that smile
that keeps me
always, always, always
coming back.

**I am constantly missing you
but I suppose I always will.

I am always nostalgic for summer
when the leaves start turning,
and the chill of the air
leaves my breath hanging
in the air
like I
was never
there
at all.

I've been holding on so tightly
to something that's never been mine
that it took me this long to realize





I was the one you left behind.
<<--------<

The longing I feel
cannot be compared
to anything I've ever known

Because

Where your words once were,
I have only memories now.
Where your hands once were,
I feel the ghost of your fingertips
and
Where your lips landed on mine,
I can only recall
how you taste
by closing my eyes.

I miss you
beyond anything words
could ever convey
And I'm hurting, yes,
deep down, I'm hurting
So badly.

But baby I don't blame you,
I promise you, I don't.
I've only myself to blame
for this hurricane of events
and I know I haven't said
I'm sorry
enough,
But I am so sorry.

I'm sorry
I wasn't enough,
I'm sorry
I couldn't show you
how I feel;
I'm so sorry
that I couldn't make my words
become promises
And I'm sorry
that you had to ever
cross my path.

My heart hurts.
I would be telling
an atrocious lie
if I were to ever say it didn't,
but it hurts so bad
sometimes I can't breathe.
I guess you could say
I'm heartbroken.

But

Consider yourself lucky, baby.
Because had you not
broken my heart,
**I eventually
would've broken yours.

Breathe in,
Breathe out.

The cold air outside forms a cloud;
It reminds me
of my mortality.

Breathe in,
Breathe out.*

We are
all mortal beings.
We are
not invincible.

Oftentimes I find myself
staring at the sky,
drifting away
on clouds
and daydreaming of
your cerulean eyes.

I get lost in the memories,
and find myself in a daze.
Reality often seems futile
when I'm adrift
in this lustful haze.

My heart is
broken and bruised;
I know you want me too,
but how will I ever find you
while we're lost
in this maze.

And how am I supposed to stop missing you
when the cerulean sky
is consistently reminding me
of your cerulean eyes
and the bittersweet memories
that we held on
beautiful, nostalgic days.

I miss you most
when the leaves start falling
off the trees
and the chill in the air
bites at my bones
just like
the absence of
You.

I feel the ghost of where
your hands were
Once, months
ago.
You must've thought,
Oh, how could you think
I'd be okay
without you
Now.

I miss feeling
like I could
tell you
anything.
I miss
being your best friend.
It makes you wonder:
Why
What
and
How.

I'm chasing a ghost
I know, I know.
Run away,
you'd say.
But I can't.
It's too late.

Your hands found mine
when I reached down,
down for you
and you grabbed onto them
like you couldn't ever
bare to lose me
or bare to
let me go.
But you did,
and you did, and I did.
But I still never
let you
Fall.

I don't love you out of loneliness.
No, girl, I was fine before you.
I love you
because
I love you,
and that's all.

I tell myself
we shouldn't have acted on it

But I'm a firm believer
in not letting
such a strong connection
e v e r


**go to waste.

It was Saturday mornings like this;
or don't you remember?
Five-year-old me riding shotgun,
watching your cigarette embers
blow hastily out the window,
listening to the engine hum.

The Beatles would play on the radio,
you'd sing along,
and try to teach me, too.
“Close your eyes, and I’ll kiss you,
tomorrow I’ll miss you,
remember I’ll always be true…”

I’d watch your fingers drum rhythmically
on the steering wheel -
something I’d thought only daddies could do.

You may not have realized it,
but at a young age you taught me
how to love life, and embrace it completely.
With loving words, and a strong heart,
you told me I could be
anything I wanted to be.

I remember being young:
you, a drummer, on the road.
I’d wake up, startlingly,
every single time you came home.
You’d leave us each with
a kiss on the forehead,
promising, always, to come home.
“Close your eyes and I’ll kiss you,
tomorrow I’ll miss you…”
Singing us Beatles’ lullabies
with promises to never leave us alone.

Some nights I’d wake up
in the middle of the night.
In a panic, I’d run out to the living room
just to see the glow of the TV light.
“Daddy?,” I’d say, in a tiny voice
that only little girls laced with fatigue
can have.
Waking you up out of a dead sleep,
I thought, maybe, you’d be mad.
But you’d just look up,
and look over
to where I was standing,
And say,
“Baby, come lay with me.”

In your arms I found safety,
and the first protection I’d ever known.
You, daddy, are the one that I’ll come to
if ever I want to come home.

The TV lights glow soft now,
and that little girl is little, no more.
But don’t you ever think I’ll forget,
your voice when you’d close the door:
“Close your eyes and I’ll kiss you,
tomorrow I’ll miss you,
remember I’ll always be true.
And then while I’m away,
I’ll write home every day.
And I’ll send all my loving to you.
All my lovin’, I will send to you.
All my lovin, darlin’, I’ll be true.
All my lovin’, all my lovin’..”


Happy Birthday, daddy.

I texted you because I couldn't believe
that you could really be taken from me.
When I got no response, deep down,
I just knew
that something tragic had happened to you.

We didn’t talk for a couple years;
you went your way, I went mine.
I swear to God, if I could,
I’d go back;
I wish so badly, I could rewind..

We used to be the best of friends;
no lapse of time could ever tear us apart.
We always would pick up
right where we left off —
You held a special place in my heart.

Three weeks ago,
I heard from you
for the first time in awhile.
We resumed our long-lost banter —
You always knew how to make me smile.

And even as I sit here writing this,
it’s hard for me to accept you’re truly gone.

I keep praying that, somehow,
everyone is somehow wrong.

You promised me you’d see me
the next time you came home.
But now that promise is empty,
and I can’t stop staring at the phone.

You *******,
you always did think
you were utterly invincible.
It’s just like you to think that
you were unsinkable.

And I know I’m being selfish,
It’s just so ******* unfair.
I can’t seem to wrap my head around it —
A world without you, I just can’t bear.


This isn't how it was supposed to end.
Nothing prepares you
for the loss of a friend.

I feel too deeply;
I know.
You mustn't tell me
which way the wind blows.
Love is not merely a four-letter word -
something to be taken lightly.
It is a whispered promise
only heard
by those who can truly see.
Seeing with the heart,
sometimes you go blind.
And I swear, I might be..
I'm out of my mind.

But.

It is the skin from which I'm bread,
the blood pulsing through my veins -
It is the thoughts running,
running through my head
with every breath that I take.

I've got memories lined up
like dominoes -
I can tell you which belongs to whom.
These are the stones that life throws,
though you may feel it's far too soon.

Nostalgia is my worst enemy,
yet, we waltz
every single night.
I remember, bittersweet,
her holding me,
& simultaneously trying to forget
with all my might.

But memories,
they're my favorite ghosts
who continue to haunt my dreams.
Where everything is so lovely,
and for once, once more:
everything is what it seems.

I wish my heart could be
as innocent
as it once was
before it knew
h e ar t bre a k.

Dreams,
they're my own
worst enemy.
They won't
let me
let you
Go.

And when I
awake
from dreaming,
suddenly
I know
all I've ever needed
to know..

I needed you to run through my veins
the same way my blood
rushes through them
breathing you in
when I want you out.
You were my drug
and I injected you any chance
I got;
craving the high
your voice would give me
and the euphoria I'd feel
filling up my chest
every time
I heard you laugh.
**That ******* perfect laugh.

Bang, bang, bang!
Shots rang out.
Bang, bang, bang!
On the sixth, he went down.
That ninth day of August,
two-thousand and fourteen,
a young man's life ended,
with an entire city's dreams.

They say he wasn't armed,
he didn't have a gun.
They say he fought back,
but the officer, he won.
Self defense or ******?
No one really knows.
Except the three who were there,
watching the nightmare unfold,
and so it goes:
"Michael Brown was murdered!"
"That white cop should burn in hell!"
"It was only self-defense!"
But to Michael, they said farewell.

Two sides to every story,
that's the way life goes.
You were not there, and the three that were, are the only ones who know
what truly happened that tragic night
when a young man lost his life.

So heart-wrenching a situation,
yet for the family, there is no peace.
The jury came back: no verdict.
And though they wished the violence would cease;
Turning the white man free
who shot their son
caused an uproar in the crowds.
They asked for peace, but they were not heard - the violence was too loud.
Flags of our fathers being set on fire,
dancing in the flames.
Shots ring out, stores windows smashed;
now, tell me, who's to blame?


This is not an issue of racism,
but of human decency.
The white man should not have shot the black man, but he could not set him free.
It is his job - his duty,
to protect and serve the law.
That fateful day, we may never know,
what it was that Michael saw.

Each man stood up for himself
in the best way that he knew how.
The outcome of what we now know
as the ****** of Michael Brown.

The media perpetuates racism,
there’s a different story everywhere you turn.
We cannot allow them to keep us apart,
and just sit here as they watch us burn.
Please, I beg you, from each man’s side,
it’s all been taken too far.
We need peace in the streets,
we need love in our hearts,
it’s all getting too hard.


My brothers and sisters,
and loved ones, too,
please listen to me now:
We cannot continue to stand apart
when war is happening on our very grounds.
We treat each other with hatred,
love is far from within our eyes.
How can we ever know peace
when all we tell each other is lies?

The unrest needs to subside,
the revolution needs to end.
Is this what your forefathers fought for?
You are ruining what they tried to mend.

Take your place
beside her
as I lie in this bed alone.
These sheets don't do you justice,
I trace into this skin with my own;
remembering the ghost of your fingertips, so lightly, touching me;
just barely, but enough
for me to realize
that you
are what I need.
I have memorized the lines in your face,
the crinkle when you smile;
the light in your eyes when I make you laugh..
oh, love, it has been quite a while.
A few days have turned into months,
my heart's never been free.
You've kept it all this while,
did you know?

I wonder if you're missing me.

guessing games

My mind is screaming no,
but my heart is feeling yes.
I've got some things I need to say,
I need to get this off my chest.

There are so many ways
I wish I could have answered you
but it still hurts too bad
to see your name.
Give me some time,
and give me some space
and don't you dare
take all the blame.

If your question is
"Do you forgive me?,"
please know that
I never was mad.
Of course I forgive you,
I know it's hard for you, too,
but lately I've just been so sad.

You tell me you're sorry
and I accept your apology
but I think we both
just need to let go.
I shouldn't have taken part in
these guessing games -
but there's no way
we could have known.

Do you feel like a part of you
is missing?
Is there a gaping hole
where your heart should be?
I think of these things
when I'm lying awake,
and wonder
if you're missing me..

Dear Lord,
Can you hear me?
I've been praying so long that someone would be,
I've been praying so long that someone will see,
the truth behind these eyes
and the
sadness in this smile.
I'm searching for my other half,
my one and only,
my soulmate.
Where is she, God, can you help me?
I've placed so much in the hands of fate.

See there's a hole in my heart
that never fully healed.
My whole life, I've been waiting
for something that's real.
I need someone to show me
what I haven't felt in years;
Please, give me someone
who will break down these walls
& help me let go of these fears.

And Dear God,
Can you see me?
I'm over here
on bended knee,
I'm not too proud to beg,
but see;

I miss the butterflies,
I miss the forehead kisses.
I miss the feel of her against me,
and the 11:11 wishes.
I could have the whole world, but
it's the little things I'm always missing.

Dear God...

The wind howls outside,
whispering secrets you never told;
and the rain taps at my window,
an answer so bold
but I lie here alone.

I keep your words out of my mind,
we
r a n
out of time.
It never was on our side.

I want to thank you
for making me
stronger than I was.
And maybe one day
I'll smile
when I think of you.
Maybe one day you'll call me
"Just because."

I'll admit, half of it
at least you got a head start.
It's probably good, now
that you're a part

of my past.


Yeah, maybe one day
I'll thank you
for breaking my heart.

“What’s your favorite color?,” I asked;
I can’t seem to remember.
Does she make you happy?
I hope she makes you smile..
And me?
Well, I’m getting better.

I wish you’d remember
the times we’d stay up,
just to hear each other’s voice.
And I hope you remember -
God, I pray you didn’t forget -
that, though I never was your first choice;
how I’ve always been there
and never left,
even after we didn’t talk for months.
And we always pick up
right where we left off,
though I thought I hated you
once.

I miss the witty banter,
your sarcasm and your laugh.
It’s still hard for me to accept
that those days are in the past.
And my heart,
it hurts as I write this;
as I’m aching for something more.
I wish so badly for things to go back
to the way they were, once before.
And I know you still care,
in your own ghostly way;
but I feel that you’ve slipped
away..
to a happier place on the other side -
and if it were up to me,
I’d keep it this way.

Though I miss you more
than you will ever know,
things must remain the same.
See, I will never risk
your happiness
for me and my selfish ways.

And so I remain
holding on,
though I must let you go.
Don’t you know -
I loved you more
than you will ever know.

Thoughts of you keep me awake,
I just can't seem to sleep.
One thought of you is all it takes
to stay awake in this daydream.

Eyes wide open when they should be closed,
I'm looking for you now.
In my sleepless reality, I cannot doze;
you left without a sound.

I miss my arms tucked neatly around
the small of your back and your waist.
I remember that look in your eye that I found,
and caught myself wishing to taste
the feel of your mouth, the touch of your lips, just barely grazing mine.
Then maybe, just slightly, pushing harder against yours,
as our hands, they'd intertwine;
up against the wall, roughly, I'd pull you closer into me.
You'd run your fingers through my hair, while my hands, they travel free. And land themselves on each side of your face, and as you're looking back at me..
Let me lift your chin up towards my lips, and show you a perfect fit.
I will hold you when you're most lovable,
and when you're breaking down bit by bit.
Don't let the world swallow you whole;
I'm right here, can't you see?
I've never left - I'll always be here.
Come, and fall down into me.

I XXI MMXV


I read the words in this book now
but you're gnawing at the back of my mind
Always.
I had to put the book down
because the words on the page
were becoming intertwined
with thoughts of your eyes
and the crinkle in your smile
and the way I miss you most
when it's only been a little while.

Let me hold you once more;
these sheets are-
my Heart is-
empty
without you.

"We can't do this anymore,"
you said to me in a dream.
I'm so happy that you're happy,
but I wish that it were me.

It's human nature to be selfish,
that's why my heart is torn in two;
I was here when no one else was
I only wish that I knew
where and with whom
your heart lies
because the truths you've told
have been far too few.

My arms are holding blankets
and you're in her arms now.
I guess this is the final curtain call:
Please
Stand up
and take a bow.

In my arms, you belong
but you are so far away.
Tell me: what would you do
if all I asked of you
was to stay.

If ever you need
an instant reminder
of your mortality;
cast your eyes
toward the night sky
and gaze upon
the endless stars.

I miss the crinkle in your smile,
and the way you smiled with your eyes.
I miss the way I'd reminisce
on the way your hand felt in mine.

I miss the surprise in your voice
when I'd call just to hear yours.
And that beautiful laugh
that always kept me wanting more.

I miss the "good morning" texts,
I miss the calls out of the blue.
But if you asked me what was next,
I guess you could say
we're slow dancing in
a burning room.

What do you want me to say?
I knew we were doomed
from the start.
But I'll take my chances
when it comes to
matters of the heart.

I'll remember you and smile,
but I gotta let it burn.
I'll stay wishing you were her -
******* it,
You'd think I'd learn.

I hope that when you're with him
it's me, instead, that you see.
Babe, I never said
this would be easy;

**I'm gonna make you miss me.

Yours were the arms that held me
on the very first day I was born.
Looking back at pictures,
I can tell how much you truly adored
the little babies that commanded your attention
on that frigid November day.

You held our hands as we took our first steps,
and you held us when we cried.
You laughed when we’d take little stumbles;
you’d put soap in our mouths when we lied.
But your love for us remained,
Unwavering —
Nothing could take it away.

Before you knew it,
You were watching us walk across the stage;
both high school and college flew by.
You attended every single ceremony;
we were never left asking, “why.”
You have remained our utmost support system -
you’ve always made it all okay.

Through tough love & your strength,
you raised us the best way you knew how;
we’re quickly growing into young women -
Grammy would smile to see us now.
She would be so proud of you;
she’d laugh and shed a tear.
“Mare,” she’d say, “Look at your beautiful babies..
My god, it’s been so many years.”
She’d leave you with a slight kiss on the forehead;
you’d turn around and she’d be gone.
“A dream,” you’d think,
but she’s always here with us,
though it feels like it’s been so long.

Momma, I’m sorry;
I know that we fight.
I think that you’re wrong;
you know that you’re right.
our personalities may be
like day and like night…
but I am you, and you are me.
I promise I’m not blind to see
that for us, you have risked everything -
     for us, you have done everything -
     for us, you are everything.

I’ll sign off here; it’s time to go.
But in your heart,
please always know:
You are the absolute best mother
& Momma, I love you so.

Happy Birthday.

It's better
that I don't hear your voice
every single night
Anymore.
Because when I do
Finally
hear it after
months,
It's as if you
called me up
just to say
Goodnight
one more time.

And *it's better
that we don't see each other
nearly as often
as we used to -
because
Every
Single
Time
I reminisce
on what we used to do.

And now?
Nothing's changed.
All I (still) want
*is you.

One year.
It's been
one year
without you
down here;
One year
full of
sadness and grieving
and tears.
One year of
questions, disbelief
and acceptance.
One year,
and I've learned
to count my blessings.
One year -
I pray that wherever
the afterlife takes us,
well I hope
that's where you are
and I hope
you're happy there,
because we
sure as hell miss you
Here.
One year.

I dreamt of you last night.
Did you wake thinking of me?
My shoulders and back
feel cold now;
it's where your body
should be.

I dreamt of your hand in mine;
fingers laced, you holding me.
And then, it seems,
I awoke
to this cruel reality.

•run•

I'm writing on this water-stained page
to tell you how much I've missed you
since you've been away.
And I hope you know:
I wish I could have stayed.
But baby,
you never even met me halfway.

You've got a lot of nerve
to keep coming back;
things were going fine
as they were,
And then
Just like that -
you come running
and say you miss me, too.

**** you.
You must know
there's nothing I wouldn't do.

But honey,
you're no good for me,
you never were;
I guess we jumped the gun.

I'm better than what we've done -
And now it's my turn
to run.

I wish I could show you,
I wish I could thank you,
and say how much you mean to me.
I wish I could hold your hand and run with you, so I can see you're free.
If I could, I'd bring you back,
and give your loved ones a day;
for you to say you love them,
you've made the ultimate sacrifice -
and after it all, it's all okay.
I hope you know the marks you've made, although you can no longer be here.
I pray you rise with the sun everyday
in all of the ones you hold so dear.
I see you're still there in every sunset, every star, and in the sky.
For my own rights, and all of us -
you held your head so high.
A soldier's promise, the ultimate sacrifice, and their family's inevitable pain.
Through all the heartbreak, there is pride and love, and certainly, no shame.
Our brothers and sisters, most courageous and fearless, men and women of the United States.
America would not be
"The land of the free"
without the undeniably brave.
So please take this, simply,
as a thank you
for taking the fall.
I've got you all in my heart,
and in my prayers tonight,
I'll end them with
"Liberty and justice for all."

These feelings are elementary
but ragged.
My heart,
anything but sedentary
in matters regarding
to you.

My thoughts, normally fleeting,
like daggers.
Impossible to ignore
or undo.

You can't run away from memories;
they always pull you back.
I'm bent over, doubled over:
you are my heart attack.

My love,
..or so I thought,
what happened?
Tell me, please -
I can no longer bear this madness.

Don't tell me it was a fling:
I won't believe you.
We were everything;
there wasn't anything
I wouldn't do.

I took a chance,
I took a fall.
Said I was sorry, baby-
thought you were worth it all.

Sometimes I mess up,
but girl, with you, I tried.
Let down my walls,
but you can't hurt my pride.

My writing,
across this page,
scattered.
Just like my thoughts about you:
we never really mattered.

Missed calls at 1 am
I wonder where you are.
Even then, especially now
you always were too far.

I'm done with broken promises,
I'm over empty feelings.

What happened?
Tell me, please.
My head's spinning in circles
and I'm down here on my knees.

------------------------------------------

I'm writing this a year and a half later
to let you know I'm still here.
But as for you, well I'm quite sure
you've up and disappeared.

------------------------------------------

It's been two years since I started
this ******-up love letter
in your absence.
I wish I could say I still miss you,
that I'm still driven crazy by so much madness;
but I realized I'd been holding on
to the ghosts of
your words
your touch
and
You.

You were like
the ever-changing seasons,
and I soon realized:
You are no longer
the person
I once knew.

The scent of stale cigarettes
still linger on my sheets
but so does
the smell of you.
I can't make myself wash them -
it's where you used to be;
so I cling to them
as I would to you.

Toss and turn,
roll over
Too hot
Oh, too cold.
Come back
Come back,
let me hold you.

I kiss the back of your neck,
rest my eyes
knowing you're there.
But this morning I woke
you, no longer by my side.
I feel bare.

Without you,
My bed is bittersweet.

Don't give me dreams of holding her
when she's far from within my reach.
Don't let me dream of her lips
when she's so far away from me.
And don't give me dreams of her legs
intertwining with mine.
Please don't ask me how I'm doing,
cause I'll swear I'm doing just fine.
I can't have dreams of her looking at me
when I lie down and close my eyes.
I can't fathom a life without her
but all I have now are
sleepless lullabies.

I would let you fall asleep on top of me
and stroke your back
as your labored breathing
heaves your chest
up and down
on mine.
And I would twirl your hair
around my finger
while
Simultaneously
kissing your forehead.
I would
trace circles on your porcelain skin
as your eyelashes flutter
with your dreams I will never see.

Come here
and
Let me hold you;
Tightly
Longingly
Loosely but
I won’t let go,
not until
you wake up
and stir so lightly
against my chest.

But even then.
Even then.
*I’ll still be holding you.

Strangers.
we've become
Strangers
and without you
I've realized
how strange it is

to go from

Everything
to
Nothing
to
Best friends
and back to
Nothing.

And yet
I still love you;
though now we're
Strangers...

*isn't it strange,
how strange it is?

Is this where you want it to end?
Is this how you want it to be?
I thought I meant a little
more to you than this
but I'm finally starting to see..

If you want someone in your life,
you should make an effort,
as should they.
You should never make someone feel
as though they're the only one
with something to say.

You keep everything bottled inside
and never will tell me how you really feel.
Are you afraid of how I break down your walls
and make you feel something real?
You can't deny the connection we share;
trust me - I've tried too many times.
I tried to turn away from you,
I tried not to cross that line.

But for me, it seems,
it was inevitable
to stay away from you.
I know right from wrong,
I know we crossed too many lines,
but I refuse to deny myself
something so true.

And it's ****** up that when you're with him
I'm over here wishing it were me.
Love makes people so selfish;
I need to bring myself
back to reality.

I know that we can't be together
and I know it's hard for you, too.
But let down your guard
for once in your life
and admit that
you feel the same way I do.

I want you to be happy
because I can't be there
to show you how much I care.
And I can live without you
but I don't ever want to imagine
my life without you..
The thought of that
I truly cannot bear.

If I have to learn
how to be your friend,
I promise I will try
my **** near hardest.
But if that isn't what you want
I'll be the farthest
thing from your reach;
I'll try to be so strong.

So listen to me
when I tell you:
This will be the last you hear from me -
from here on out, it's in your hands.
I'm tired of being the one reaching out
while you stay watching in the stands.

If you truly want me
to leave you be,
say the word and I'm gone.
But something this good
can't be denied,
Something this real
could never be wrong.

As you doze off tonight,
I'll toss and turn.
As your sweet dreams take flight,
I'll crash and burn.
While your heart flutters free,
I still can't breathe.
And when you stir in your sleep,
I hope you think of me.

You know
when something bad happens
you immediately think of
that one person
that you wish you could
run to
and tell them all about it?

Or if something
Amazing happens
and you just
want to tell
that same person
what just made your life
so much better?

*You were that person for me.

You say you miss me
but you've kept your distance.
You don't have to tell me
it's because you're with him.
And if I said I didn't miss you,
well, I'd be lying.
My heart has been heavy
and these times are trying.
All I want is to talk to you, if nothing else.
I've done just fine these past few years by myself.
And I promise I,
no, I didn't mean to make you cry,
but, my God,
I wish that I could be the one
to dry your eyes.
I wish that I could grab your hand
and not think twice.
I wish that these thoughts of you
weren't my only vice.
I wish I could snuggle up
behind you and kiss your neck.
But it's then that I'm reminded

of all the things you never said.

The crackle of the thunder
is a constant reminder
that you're not by my side.
I hear the rain fall,
and I see the lightning strike;
you're hiding in plain sight.
I wonder if you're laying there
thinking of me
as I am of you, tonight.
I'm supposed to be
the one who holds you
and keeps you safe
with all my might.
But you're next to someone
else
instead:
I hope those arms
are holding you
tight.

You asked me to hold you on nights like this
when the rain comes pouring down.
But I'm left here holding these blankets now;
you left without a sound.
And please tell me how
I'm supposed to smile
knowing you're in
someone else's arms.
You should be snuggled up next to me -
*I should be the one
keeping you warm.

I miss you most at 11pm
when I'm lying in bed
all alone.
I let my mind wander
and dance with the thought
of you,
finally coming home.

I miss you most
when my arms are empty
and you're not here to hold.
You think
I'd be used to this by now;
but the other side of the bed -
It's still so cold.

I swear that I miss you,
just hearing your voice
playing over in my head.
I wish I could rewind
and say all of the things
I wish I would have said.

I miss your kiss
that I never got to feel
though I've played it over in my head
too many times.
If you ever were to come back,
I'd be waiting here;
it's me that you would find.

And I miss you most
when I hear your laugh
in the pages of my mind.
It's still hard for me,
I can't seem to realize:
*we ran out of time.

I miss the days we never had
and your hand that never fit
so perfectly in mine
No, I never did get to feel
your heart beat against mine.

These days are endless.

They say you can’t
miss something you never had
But I do.
I miss your laugh
your voice
the way you talk
the way you filled my days.

Things only you could do.

You’re gone
away.

Talk to me, please
I swear I’m listening.
Hanging from every last word
I wish you would have said.

My hands are open,
tired and tried,
fallen at my sides.
What am I holding onto?
This is me giving up.