Scandalous is a person
A detail the dictionary forgot
They didn't have the joy of knowing you
They never will.

You left the same way you entered:
Inexplicably
Your enthusiasm caught us along
Spontaneously reckless

Always just around the corner
Cackling, head thrown back
Shocking me into hilarity
And now you're....
Elsewhere.

Oh goofy
Oh who's going to play beanie babies now?
The horses and ponies are missing from our field
The irises are blooming wild
Purple owls growl at me in the night time
All these displaced riders
Muttering "where is my niche?" over and over
As we spin
Fantails pecking at our insides.

The doorway was too small for the coffin
You would have laughed uproariously
We giggled, breaking the tension.
They removed the door,
Replacing it after.

Please shock me:
Sit up,
Hold my hand,
Something!
But you've turned to stone
And my doorway is too small
There's too much to let out
It all pushes at once
And nothing can get through
So I slowly remove my own hinges
And try to carry on.

You were a simple soul.
Not that you were simple:
You were simple in your complexity.
And tragic.
And divine in your tragedy.
To indulge in the destructive... Was bliss.
To indulge in the tragedy,
The confusing tumult of emotion
Drowning out any hint of clarity,
... Was bliss.

Until it became suffocating.

And I, longing for air, for sense, I climbed out.
But you, consumed, indulging,
Reveling in the intoxication of it all,
In the danger,
You were left behind.
Perhaps that's  what it was:
Both of us exulting in pure emotion.
Feed me. Feed me your anger and pain.
I feel it swell within me even now.
Some dark aspect of ourselves was escaping to see sunlight
- Or not, for we stayed in doors.

A beautiful soul.
Beautiful in your love as well as your sadness.
Beautiful though I saw much of your ugliness.
Beautiful in your complexity. In your tragedy. The agony.
Consumed by the abyss.

We're all beautiful, in the end. For life itself is beauty, and once we have slipped to the darkness beyond, there's nothing left but to cherish the memory:
that
beautiful
living
thing.

Today I met...
A man with sea blue eyes shining from fiery hair
I said "you should be a pirate"
Then Effie piped "Let's turn this bus into a ship"
He mined for gold in Australia
Working 12 hour days and nights
Visiting home he found bad repute
In Coromandal's strong anti-mining activism.
He complained about the packaging
Of the tourist L&P; ice-cream he'd bought
"It should all be cardboard and wooden spoons"
The miner turned environmentalist?
Did the activists hear him out?

Behind him,
A man with eyes enclosed in triangle parentheses,
A tattoo of reminder.
- Reminder that being locked up is a waste of time, of life.
- Realization that being in that crowd caused trouble. Drugs ain't the thing. And
- Regret. It caused him to care for young minds, to teach what he had learnt.
"I was only in there for drink driving" but for two years?
He left at Paeroa College, "take care",
Not hearing our "thank you for sharing"

At our transfer we serenaded
In happy gratitude and spontaneity
The pirate watched, intrigued.
The drivers; our faithful who had driven us so far
And our newly acquainted about to shuttle us forth;
They watched
'Til ye old faithful lost faith and went on with his duty
A boy stepped off the bus
Listening shyly, hiding.
My bow slipped over out-of-tune strings
Effie's voice rang true, feeling and joy,
Hand strumming, familiar and fond.
A mess of black hair from Colorado
Complained "there's too many guns"
But was a gunsmith "For hunters... I love it"

I held a rifle once,
Scared of its kick and its bite,
A man shouldered it for me,
I pulled the trigger.
Paused. Then relief.
- The clay bird flew on,
Its demise instead the ground
It hit and crumbled.

"But you are never sad"
Oh Bless you, dear sir!
It's the world and its weight
That I bear so desperately!
The tragedy, not of my own,
But of all that is unjust and evil
Of the lives and dealings of man - and woman- folk

Pray, stay a while
And think of the poor
Those caught in widening inequality
Devoid of happiness,
In materials rich but spiritually lost

Pray, bid goodbye
To rainforests
The creatures of God within
Mercy to their own natures
As they are to us and ours

Pray, let us be merry
Nevermind the pain
Mother Earth is wailing
And I will join in this cry
With a howl of my own

But first.
First a drink or four
To numb reality
- as so many do, life being unbearable
My braincells have been used
For observing the bitterness and greed
And this is too much
For this young lady to bear.

Pray, God will hear you
As God is love and light
And surely he, or she, or it, tries
But we are out of bounds
Munching on our outcast apple
If we found Eden now
We would log the trees,
Drill for buried treasure,
Put the creatures on display
Behind bars
- As if it were their crime, not ours!
Or, failing these,
It would be the destination
"Paradise is just a plane ride a way...
And here is where our first sin took place,
Would anyone like a bite of the very same apple?"
Too late, no need to offer, we've been munching away for centuries.

No place too sacred.

No place untouched.

I'm looking through a window
- The blinds were lifted
And it's such an honour!

There, there's a fish
        Darting through,
Ripples spread from each pause and flight
Ivy grows and twists and climbs,
Grasping all in its path
The ground is covered in debris,
Dust and mould
A mushroom sprouts up
Holding the door to another world
A skeletal cheshire grins
Amidst piles and piles of literature
Which, when opened,
Echo melodies fourth,
Bouncing from non-existant walls

I peer round this windowsill
This fantastical world before me
Neon and shadow

I have caught but a glimpse
And eagerly contemplate
      The journey
The continuum of
Getting-to-know-and-understand
           You
A journey never to be completed
And always changing
As we collect new treasures to display
And hug tight the old favourites
As we grow
And realize
       Our inner selves.

I have a chance
Not chance
Opportunity

See, I’m learning to assert self
To claim space
And here is the time
The place
Ah, excitement!

Into my own power
The start of something
That’s what the cards read
Let’s start something!!

The reckless within me is chattering now
Infatuated curiosity peeps
What will happen next?!

Maybe I’m a drama queen
It riles something within me
Oh hit my spot!

Temptation divine
The danger of it all !
Freedom ~
Ah, life.
Ah, me.

Here we go
Abundance galore

Oh tooth
forsooth
you left me in my youth
of your betrayal there is proof

It's not so hard to find
It's there in the not-there kind
(It's not as if I really mind)
But your lack of existence is hard to miss

And so with a gap
A child-like toothless smile
I turn to you and haply yap
"You should have stayed a while"

Oh what fun we would have had
Eating and biting things
I didn't treat you all that bad
Until the accident that I had

And out you came
Almost gleefully
Escaping my gummy prison
Far too easily

And now I have this plastic fake
In the act of consumption
It is unable to partake
Out of my mouth it I must take.

It is not for aesthetic beauty alone
But to ensure my gap sticks around
And although I do like to moan
A better party trick I have not found

:P

A leaf falls
Brown and wrinkled
Starved of it's trees sweet nectar
A leaf falls

And while they are shedding their summer cloaks
We are adorning ourselves with scarves and hats,
Gloves and mufflers
Shivering at their barely clad skeletons
Huddling around their burning flesh

A leaf falls
It twists and dances in the wind
joyous at it's freedom
joyous as it plummets to the earth
Nourishment for it's mother tree

We watch and marvel at the beauty in the entropy
At the renewal that comes with destruction

A leaf falls
A change is upon us
A rebirth into a crisp and clear world
A leaf falls.

I want to know it all
From the inside:

To be free
Rushing, no form or substance
Yet the power to rattle leaves and disfigure umbrellas

To be strong
Bridge between earth and sky
Solidly anchored, growing towards the light

To be powerful
Giving life to all - and death to some
Light and warmth, kindness yet utmost creulty

To be dynamic
Coursing and carving through and over and under and around earth and stone
Disintegrating upwards to collect and fall- unperturbed

To be.
Delving into joyous creation and joyous destruction
Rebirth in death, and death in rebirth,
Tempted by all... and out of reach
Rejecting and rejoicing in the very morality itself.

You saw me.
Not just the bouncy quirky girl
With bright mismatched fingerless gloves
Skipping and laughing,
Playing along.
- You saw me.
Me, who even I hadn't seen.
Or realised existed.

Arms wide
You made it clear I could be open
Something no one else had achieved.
Such a caring flowed forth
I felt myself broken
In places I hadn't dared admit
And these you hugged
Compassionately tended to.
As I tended to yours.
A unity of sorrow, art
And poetry

But it was spoilt.
We both needed growth
Find that inner strength.
Your resentment
Triggered my passivity
Until I was manipulated dumb
- By us both
And soon I exploded
And ran
I didn't know any other way
But neither did you.

And you slipped to the other side
Of what?
That great unknown curtain.
It's almost two years now.
I feel you tend to me still
As others in my web do too.
I am healing, growing,
Coming into my own.

I tried to write this for you, Luke.
An ode.
But in the end it's for me anyway.
It's always for me.
I guess I just wanted to say
"I'm glad I didn't die before I met you"
Thank you for all you gifted me
All I have learnt
You are love and light
- Aren't we all?

The fire's glow upon her skin
Tantalizing
Hair a water fall
Black cascades
Dripping down her spine
My greedy fingers itch
Attraction sweet
Temptation divine*

Just a note here
About the movie romance
which has us to believe
that a lover must be "needed"
That without the other we are incomplete
And inadequate.
I challenge you
To find the whole within yourself
Retain your own respect and self- value
Understand and accept that
We are all unique and different
And, in that, my friend, there is wonder
Joy, independence, freedom
We will be attracted to others
- but this does not mean
reality's touch will be so sweet
Attraction does not retain the depth
Of your lover supporting you,
Comforting you,
Knowing you...
Attraction is fickle
And can be enjoyed as this in itself
Watched as it passes through the mind
Knowing another with the boundary of trust and friendship,
Exposing minds, open and vulnerable,
Is a more beautiful and deep connection
Than shallow attraction's fulfillment
Because attraction does not equal love divine.
Or respect, or worth, or support.
Only you can grant yourself these things,
Retaining the strength to uphold them.

There are times to love and learn and nurture
- And there are times to be with one's own and grow in strength.
There are challenges in love
Just as there are challenges in life.

A missed alarm
- A hurried departure
From home to bus to bus
- To craft fair!
All handmade, all ingenious.
And reused items appeal to this sustainability-freak.
"There's not much for your kind here"
But just as I say it we spy a stall
And the goth finds Cthulu,
A skull,
An eye,
A snake with which to adorn himself
Amidst the usual background of 'Oh, he looks like Russell brand'

His cousin was riding.
Riding the plastic spastic twirl-around bull.
"Another turn? Go on, your dad didn't see you!"
She shakes her head, almost shy
But is lifted and hoisted on once more,
Smiling and giggling and kicking away.
The operator has success,
Short-lived;
She jumps right off and back to her father,
Uncles and cousins all grin.

- To cafe!
Entrance a ramp,
The outside already proclaims the spaces brilliance
Narrow hall with piano stating 'closed'
Walls adorned with old newspapers
Light fixtures are bottles
Door handle a coffee grinder
Tables old school desks,
Mismatched chairs and couches and plates;
This sustainability freak is in heaven.
The Goth smiles
"I knew you'd like it"
And even the menu provides
My dietary restrictions no obstacle.
I have a smoothie.
It's amazing.

"Judging from your case I would say you play heavy metal"
I giggle; Incorrect.
"Are you going to play for us?"
The waitress asks
We look at each other; are we?
And after our meal we do;
The radio is turned off in response.
Young children play on my violin
Their parents more concerned than I
"Be careful! It's delicate!"
We serenade the coffee and the tables and the birdie on the wall
We serenade customers and workers and the owner as well
We serenade to perfect
We serenade to give back to this space so beautiful
We serenade half in hope of being asked to perform
Of being paid to perform.
The owner enjoys; the possibility is open.
The workers enjoy; "you made today worth it"
The customers enjoy,
One chucks coins to our guitar case
A suggestion of busking
We drain our complimentary drinks and tip the coins
Wander onwards, sated, and glowing.

- To old acquaintances
Who tell scandalous tales
Of the Goth's little brother
"Tell your folks I look after him...
He's hilarious when he's wasted"
The goth queries
"And when I'm wasted?"
"Oh it makes no difference; you're hilarious sober too!"
It's truth.
No one could argue except the Goth himself;
"I'm glad you have a terrible sense of humour"

- To Opshop, closed.
And then the car,
Family bubbling around us
Excited voices clamour with stories
With news
We arrive in a field of green,
Children swinging on a tyre
An old meeting house is dwarfed
Beside the new, uncompleted
A chair in the sky
Seats white fingers
Coated from work;
Yet his is the best view.
"Uncle... Aunty... Cousin.."
Names drift into the air
I won't catch them.
"This is only a small portion of my family;
You should see the group photo!"

An older man teases
"Get your hair cut!
Oi, why haven't you told your son to cut his hair?!"
And his father expertly replies
"He can do what he likes with his hair"
His mother
"Why haven't you died yours then? It's all grey!"
Smiles spread wide at their cheek.

A bell tolls
Signals the slow meandering;
No urgency
We sit, grass beneath us
Sky above
Trees and field all around.
These three buildings so connected.
The prayer starts,
In foreign tongue
Yet not foreign
- It is the language this land first heard
Aside from sea and bird and sun
An occasional group "ah" in response
Teenagers mock; "aye"
Babies fuss,
Children wriggle
Even adults chatter to one another
Come and go as they please
Informal.
I am wrapped in his love.
And all of their love.
Lying in his arms
With sun warming me,
Love warming me,
I send it back.

And then chairs are moved
The tables to be laid
Inside this time
"Come here, you don't want to do the chores, do you?"
A crafty cousin teaches evasion maneuvers
We kick a ball,
The goth looks almost joyful
The usual "Me, sports? Eww"
Forgotten, or put aside.
Shoes back on now
"Your feet could do with some sunlight"
The cousin protests.

We eat with our hands;
For me there are oranges
And chicken salad
I put ethics aside
To sate hunger.

We swing.
The children are playing elsewhere
We claim the rope as ours.
An upside down ladder?
A missing rung?
There's more air than step.
Together we swing.

"Who do you belong to then?"
Caught off guard
"I belong to myself"
The goth smiles at my assertion
"How'd you get here, who brought you?"
I gesture with my foot
"You're so rude! You didn't even introduce me to your girlfriend! I'm his Aunty, that makes me his, and your Aunty too now."
He clasps my hand
"That's how easy it is in my family"

We serenade once more.
Nervousness closes throat
How to express oneself?
I feel small and shrunken
Push myself to claim space
- I do belong here
The love swells around me
Tall poppy syndrome must be beaten into me;
I'm trying to convince myself
I'm not being overbearing
- They want to hear us.
And they're impressed
"Oh what a beautiful voice"
"They do sound wonderful together"
All laugh as Grandma joins in
"That's Nan trying to out do them"

With Promises to jam next time,
We take the scenic exit,
Past those who have past
Past the past itself
Graves decorated with All Blacks flags,
With decks of cards,
With guitars.
Love. Even here,
Love and celebration.

- To friends
Reiki, a goodbye card, packing and kittens, markets and dinner
- The candles glow was soft,
Too soft for menus.
"I wonder why those baskets are all locked up...
Ha! Basket cases!"
We draw a piece to make Dali proud
And jest of eating candle wax
Bellies hunger.
But foods arrival prevents such oddity.
Eating pizza with knives and forks?
I decline, fingers once more.
Restaurant etiquette is not my style
Mine is puffy to their flat
- The perks of being gluten free?
And we leave them to their dessert.
With much sorrow.
"Thank you for enriching my experience here"
No, thank you. Thank you thank you thank you thank you.

"Goodbye!"
I greet
"Have a wonderful life!"
A different good bye.
And we cry as we hug,
No tears, just noise.
To cheer ourselves.
"Waahhhhh"
We giggle and depart.

Surrounded by darkness
Traffic roars overhead
Rocking support beams
They creak
Pigeons shuffle now and then
A dim light is irresistible death
Beyond the trees ripples fold and swell
And I am here with him.
Our own little patch of night time
Folding and swelling around us.
"Now you're the one keeping us awake"
I cannot argue.
This moments magic is worth tomorrow's tiredness.

One more friend to visit.
She saved us a piece!
Oh dietary constraints!
Cheesecake, for me?
And delish!
Hazelnutty and chocolate!
Nutella like.
We ***** about sudden illness
About food restrictions
About fad diets
Apparently the 20's is when the **** goes down.
Our bodies are complaining now.
Maybe we'll figure out what they're trying to say,
- Eventually.
Speak English, **** you!

- To the tent!
And blessed sleep.
It's technically tomorrow now.
Well, it's today.
"Thank you for touching my feet that time"
I curl up in his arms,
And all the world is golden
This illness raises its angry lil head
And his caring melts me
Thank you thank you thank you thank you.

Thank you for this beautiful most perfect day.
Thank you.

Humans.
Essentially contradictory in nature.
Complex.
We see but a glimpse of the stranger's life.
A ripple on the surface.
A reflection of our own world.

I was angry.
He died and I was angry.
I felt no one knew the depth
Of the pain and guilt within me
- No one knew him,
How could they understand?

I was just another passer-by
All they saw was a ripple
A happy face
(A brave face)
A reflection of their own mind.

It’s a strange sadness upon me now.
A sad of
What am I doing to her?
A sad of
Why is my body falling apart?
A sad of
Just three more weeks, but 5 assignments
A sad of
Yearning. For him.
A sad of
I don’t know what to do
Or what has been done
Or how to proceed
Without making more people sad
Without breaking more hearts
Because when I was with him
So much of me was determined
That it would last
Forever
And so much of me was happy
That I wouldn’t have the chance
To hurt anyone else
And now I have free reign.
Ready folks? Here I go.
Hearts, y’all best get broken!

I fell in love with the meaning of Janus
Bing! Gone!
I'm a fuzz
Transient ~

I know that I feel...
ZWOOPDEBOOP
DAN DAN DAHHH!
Waaaza!

What am I feeling. Doing?
Looking for comfort
Distract me
Heal me??
I can't sleep

I have long beautiful nails
Bourgeois!

He touched my feet.
I don't know.
I like cuddling people.

Just for fun...
Well, it's probably not fun,
The veil of ignorance
C
R
A
   S
    H
      E
       D
Is anyone actually happy and content?
I think we're all broken and sorrowful,
Enjoying the little moments.

Maybe it's where the stars are at.

I'm scared. Terrified.
The only seat that does not have a seatbelt in this coach is mine, the drivers,... I'm not sure what that says about how they value their employees.

The moon is shining,
Doing its utmost to raise werewolves
Fireflies are stuck up there too
Sometimes they flicker out
They begin to cry
Tears pouring down
And not man nor beast but wind howls now

My little slice of the world's diorama stage
Is full of drama and love and sorrow and beauty
- And here I am
Tasting other people's feelings.
Letting their honey drip and slide
As ecstasy through these veins
Positively high on the depth of these windows
I perve at lives that dance in poetic sentence
But they know the blinds are open
And sometimes, just sometimes,
They catch a glimpse through my own
Hearts full of same excitement
Curiosity
Satisfaction
As they flip through my pages

My band-aid falls off
In heavy rain

Alone,
My soul is drenched
Wringed out in sun's embrace

As storms gather
I place a new band-aid

If it doesn't fall
In the tumult
I'll rip it off
And toss it away~

Perhaps I will become a waxing fiend.
A perpetrator of the nerves within my legs
In order to reach the imaginary beauty
that society has ingrained into my open mind.
Yet how can I ever fulfil this growing hole inside
Urging, commanding that I shall not be beautiful
Without Revlon mascara and tinted eyebrows,
That my diet must consist of a celery stick a day
And I must have a new wardrobe every week
- to keep in with the highest of fashions.
Do men really care if I'm wearing Gucci or Prada?
Would my restricted diet and devotion to thinspiration blogs impress them?
Has society really just given up on the love of personality,
the good old fashioned 'inner beauty'?

I stare through the binoculars that border my world,
my life,
my mind.
The steel rims,
walls which encase me,
limiting my sight,
my thoughts,
my knowledge.
I yearn to reach out,
to push them away,
but without them I fear I will no longer be able to see.
I feel blind already,
stumbling through my darkened doorway
to the conclusions my narrow mind rests upon.
Stumbling to the same perch,
although the route has changed,
although the facts are different.
The same limited view.
I wonder; when will I see other dazzling landscapes?
And, if I do, will I be brave enough to relinquish the safety of my curtailed vision
for the bigger picture,
a bright overview,
instead of my fuzzy focussed spot of knowledge.
Oh, binoculars, your safety is hindering.

My body is a ****** place to be
So come on mind: set me free
I've been everywhere of course
And doctors take a lot of force
"Take this pregnancy test" "it's anxiety"--
I should know, it's my body!
Existence is a strange thing
When body pain becomes your king
Orders "lie down, no don't eat that!"
I'm trying to tame this spoilt brat
Won't you settle down now OH PLEASE!!
I THOUGHT I WAS FINE, you're just a tease.
So, mind, do me a favour
With my body let's sign a waiver
Saying you behave or I'm off elsewhere
Know what, YOU CAN DEGRADE FOR ALL I CARE

"You need to let yourself lose some sometimes"
He stated, perusing the chess board.
'There must be a way to save them all'
I had thought,
As though it were God's logic puzzle
And I was going for bonus points.

And now I see
Vulnerability is just one of the pieces
There is happiness in sorrow,
In loss, misfortune;
My high score is simply living.

I could close that door
Sheltered by white
I could dream of the potential

I could knock it off its hinges
Splash a rainbow
Risk the dusty wind howling in
To spoil - to alter -
My masterpiece.

Sometimes we have to dare to live.

"You make me forget all the bad things"
I'm really glad.
I wish I could say the same.
You make the bad bearable.
It's incredible.
I can't tell you how incredible.
Just like I can't fully explain this sickness.

It's physical pain that pulls my mind from the bliss of you
To the darker realms
This multiplying cocophony of symptoms
United to produce
A mystery illness
Undiagnosable
- So far.
It's pain, discomfort, sorrow, and a slow ebbing of hope
- But you, arms shielding me from the world
You, eyes warm and deep with concern
You, somehow with the right words,
When I didn't believe there were any,
You, simply listening,
You give me hope.

To be alone now could be unbearable
That spark becomes inconceivable.

You just keep me hanging on
And that's more than I could have ever asked for.

Thank you
Is not adequate
For the time and energy you have wasted
Cuddling my tears dry
Loving me as the worst of it fades
Til life is a bowl of oranges once more
A still life posed
A fraction of experience
A page of exqusite poetry
Til life is colour and meaning
And depth
Til life is more than just pain splattered red across a page.

You bounced in
Overjoyed at life, at music,
At me.
You bounced in and I taught you a tune
Expecting nothing.

And when I was cocooned and numbed in sorrow
You kissed my cheeck
And my heart exploded
And the sun itself - though it was night -
The sun itself flowed through my veins.

And here we are.
And you're a pillar of hope, of courage
You heal me.

I've dragged you through my pain and sorrow
But with arms around me
You paint stars and joy
You bring me home.

Because it's the little things
That mean so much.
We've just got to be brave enough
To take that step
And bridge the distance.

I was sitting in the bus
Tears held back.
They smiled at me
They gave me paper cranes
Made from bus tickets
They reached out.

He was  brave face, drowning
I paid it forwards
He took my offering
"His name is Scruffy"
No questions, just acceptance
It felt right somehow
He hugged it close.

A line of strength and support.
A hug, a smile, an invitation.
An open ear, a look of compassion.
- Something to show that we,
Other humans that we are,
We care.
We see your suffering and
We care.
It's these
Tiny.
Little.
Things.
They bridge the gap.
They mean the world.

I think I’ll drop guitars
Watch them fall and crack
Strangers would pick them up
And pluck a broken tune
Upon their broken necks
And sit with broken bones
Singing broken words
Their minds broken long ago
By ******* politics
Crushing voice and body alike
Breaking bones into conformist shapes.
Their broken dreams
May yet be given
Wings of grace and flight
Their broken eyes
Might just yet see the light
And perhaps,
Perhaps,
There’s still some hope
For these bones
To heal some.

When Autumn colours your faded embrace
Leaves paper dry as your skin
When eyes peep from bags of flesh
See not what's in front of them
Will you look back and remember me then?
Will your heart fill with love and regret?
Cos you're blinded now by your fear and your guilt
You threaten to lose and reject
And someone wise once told me its not about blood but the love that we share
And I know my tie to you may be lost: there's no holding onto what is not there
And I know you can't see it all clearly but that does not mean that it is all false
I wish you would look in for the truth is in our, it's in our souls
When my Spring blossoms a gift
Birds and bees sending forth sweet song
When a glow from within enlightens
Would we still not have righted this wrong?
Will they ask where you have gone now?
Will my words speak of love and of sorrow?
Cos I'd be missing you then
You're someone they'd want to know
And someone wise once told me its not about blood but the love that we share
And I know my tie to you may be lost: there's no holding onto what is not there
And I know you can't see it all clearly but that does not mean that it is all false
I wish you would look in for the truth is in our, it's in our souls
-- it's not about blood but the love that we share
-- it's not about blood but the love that we share

With whispered complements
Sootheing scratched hearts
We held each other tight
I curled into her clavicle
I've slipped into a real life romance
As beautiful and tortured as the novels describe
It's fantastic.
I love it.
Well,, there was some kissing.
If I'm honest, quite a bit.
But obviously there's more to it than that.
See, she's amazingly awesome
Poetic nonsense can't capture it
It's one of those things
All full and complex
All beautiful and rich.

Pt. 1
I am a clumsy giant
Oblivious to worlds below.

Outside, outside is so nice!
Awake, rejuvinate me!
Oh! The beauty!
Even the air is greener,
On the other side here
Oh living our lives indoors
Was an unhappy accident of genius
Oh to spend days with trees and grass!

-- A sudden stab. A pause.
Lifted leg reveals
Buried, ensnared in foot
Handsome bee,
Buzzing for escape
One more wriggle
And it's gone. To die.

Oh! Back we go we go!
To hide from the cruel world!
Away from bees
And wasps and stings
Such mildly inconvenient things.
- And off the bee went to die.


Pt. 2*
Such short lived pain for me
Is death for one of the hive

This wound I lament
Will heal so shortly
Yet its cause
Will surely die

The life the cost
A life is lost!
Yet my pain is all I can see

Hives collapse
Honey ramsacked!
They're fed with sugar tea

Pesticidal pollen
Oh ain't disease rotten!
The strife of the honey bee.

I am a clumsy giant...

The weedy wanderer searches for his tricks:
They hide among the flowerbeds
And in behind the gutters
Cleaning out the filth
Of the lucky master's overwhelming testimonies
Testimonies of love and hate:
They explore the times people were participating,
Clinging to the tufts of an imaginary carpet man,
Exploring in sondor-ous glee and enthusiasm.

There are oceans in this room, swelling,
They fill me up and soak me;
I'm still dry
Yet I am drowned in these waves of apathy.

Screams and whispers echo my body
With cries and laughter,
Fill this empty room

Swivel sideways,
A new perspective,
All turned on its head
All diagonal tribute
Spinning, cycling through
I. can. not. grasp. anything.
Flatten my palm.
Let it go.

A dandelion clock floating on the wind
Swirling and dancing
In spite of stifling cross breezes
Muttering discordant harmonies
Rhyming melodies, unfinished senta...

The night fuzzes now
Soft
Comforting
Full of warmth
Dribbling from the mouth of hope
Who will speak to me in the darkness?
Or will the light speak to me?

I want to be comforted.
Cuddled without expectation
Hugged and held
Loved
Without the need to give in return
I don’t think I have the energy
To fully reciprocate
All seems like
Some sort of ritual dance
We spin we spin we spin
Eyes connect
Words exchange
Testing
Tasting
Confusion and trickery
Intentions hidden
To be revealed later
When prize is within reach
I don’t have the energy.
Just talk to me straight
I’ll talk straight back
And say
‘Hold me tight,
Just for a while
But no longer
I tend to break hearts anyway ’

You have long nails
I chew mine
Stunt their growth
With nervous teeth
Hungry teeth

I stunt mine
And lament their loss

We contrast
Black to colour
Stride to bounce
Distanced to cuddly

You avert questions,
Throwing random jest
I open up and bare my soul
Honest as I can figure

Under these beautiful cloaks
We sing in unison
Sorrow and deep caring
Somehow, we understand.

Our awkwardness is equal to none
That just heightens the intensity
I explore, feet, hands,
You let me, then clasp tight

The goth and the pixie.
Who would have thought?

The sadness grew until it became over weight and juicy with dignity, a belief that it belonged.
It hunched itself up into a mound
Which sat
Heavy and fat
Weighing on her shoulders
Absorbing her energy
Forcing her to hunch and stoop.
Where ever she went
She carried the desperation
She couldn't escape it.
It ****** slowly from her life
A leech drinking her soul.

Dear diary,
I get trodden on daily.
It makes it hard to get my feet from under me and find solid ground.
I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever be able to stand on my own two feet at all.

I feel so far from everyone.
Isolated.
They are unaffected by my pungent aroma.
Perhaps I won't wash.
Then my smell might waft into their lives.
I'd be noticed for once.

Dear diary,
I'm forever lopsided.
It's as if one side of me has gone to market,
And the other side went all the way home
And the rest of me is all caught in the middle
Torn, divided, uncertain
And somehow this is all set to the smell of roast beaf.

Dear diary,
Today I was inspired
See, for me they'd conspired
I've finally got the attention I'd desired!
And it's from that particularly dashingly gorgeously fabulous man!

I'd felt so alone
All I could do was moan
Even though I had a mirror-like clone
See, we weren't all that close except in physicality and proximity.

But now I could scream!
- with joy, I mean.
Oh I've been covered in cream!
Such beautiful, fabulous, marvellous and wonderful involvement as this!

His friends they remark
"Oh, what a lark!"
As we frollick in the park
And I haven't figured it all out, the why, the what,
It's not as if it bothers me one jot,
It's just,... well,
That dashingly gorgeously fabulous man,
They like to call him '******* Stan'.

I flirt with falling
Weightless in the illusion
Catch me, air
Catch me, trees
Catch me water

Dangling over ripples
Interrupted, they scatter
Soaring circles
Arcs in time
We are interlocked, intertwined.

"It's like titanic"
But I'm the only one with my arms spread wide
I shuffle my feet closer to the edge
All is emptiness
And fullness

"I feel like I'm floating"
Two smiles hover either side
The third has found solid ground
And my favourite people in all the world are here
And scattered in the other-land

Left behind:
One *** ***** of foreign species
One single-authored message
"He stole the paper back"
Eyes are anxious caricatures
But that's just how he do.

Under now,
Earth clings:
"Don't leave me again"
We serenade our climb
With discordant harmony

Some power you have.
Trailing your arms around me,
Flinging your legs over me.

I don't like this dynamic
You're on a power trip
And I'm the wire
Carrying the current
Without that,
        Worthless.

It says something
You've said something.
Minimal time to spare to me, huh.
I feel played.

You went for a trip
And I chatted to new friends
Exclaimed "You haven't met her yet! Tragedy!"
Upon your return
You barely spared me a word
As if hanging out with me was doing me a favour.
As if catching up was a chore.

Sorry that my life isn't all sparkly and wonderful as yours has been
Lifting you up to heights where you can scoff down at me
Sorry I'm writing angry poetry
I'll probably be embarrassed of this later
I know a moment passes.

I don't think you understand the hell hole I'm staring out of right now
I know you'll mock my perspective,
Positivity being key,
But don't act like you're above me when you do it.
If you had this pain maybe you'd understand the difficulty of your suggestion.
If you had this pain.

I feel like I'm standing in a car park
Watching the journey I've been on
Thinking:
****, my car's been stolen,....
But oh,
I didn't actually drive it here.

Dr Dr help me help!
Thou who art so skilled
Slice me
Air out my insides
There place the health
Stuff it in
As much as you can find
Or at least a scrap
Please, a scrap
Sewn up I'll bulge
Sparkles lacing taut skin

But they hold it up
Towering above grabbing hands
I slump on the conveyer belt
Through box after box
As DING!
"Healthy"
Each proclaims
And shoves me to the next

I'm clutching at my sides
To hold me together
Sickness seeping through
To reach them
I sway in doorways
Please, who will help me?
Please, someone listen
I'm losing hope,
**please

She built her dreams with bare hands,
Her eyes closed
Against the constraints of reality.
She carved them slowly,
Smoothing their edges.
But she had forgotten to open her eyes,
Forgotten to make her dream world a reality.
And a crack formed;
It laced up the side of her perfect sculpture
Until it was cobwebbed and dusty.
It shattered.
Disintegrating into a million pieces.
Lost.
Fragile.

The fireflies danced
On fast forward
Glittering
Over
Cast away fragments;
An underwater forest

A sudden explosion;
A creature of light
Emerged from depths
As did we
Emerge from our depths

Eyes open.
Lives open.
There’s more to come.
A whole story cannot be told in one burst
Just aspects
Tiny flecks

Let us explore
I’m throwing my window open
And breaking the walls
Let me
           Expose
                        Myself.

Because everyone’s little light extinguishes.
Some fade, some disappear without warning, some glow brighter and brighter until they explode.
But at some point, we all pass on. We all leave.
It is a curious reminder of the entropy of life – and death -
When someone chooses to extinguish their own light.

Fog fog fog
Smog smog smog
Am I polluting? Polluter? Polluted?
Same ol' air
Through these lips
To barely ease this choking.
Ragged breath gone stale.

I tried not to let it escape:
Curiosity's hound was too tempting.
It raged in my self built fortress.
So then I was hunting, hunter? Hunted?
But I was dragged after that same scent
Deep in ocean's depth
Thinking only of the shallows.
Hoping for only the shallows.

I'm just trying to unravel
The knots and ties.
Sometimes we need another
To bounce off,
We think.
Sometimes another
Is *another.
Sometimes that's too much.

I wind myself up over, over, over.
Still learning the ropes of this world
But it's a new world.
Yes, and I am an old soul and stuck in other times.
It keeps turning; new world, new world, new...
I'm more than a few turns behind,
Grabbing for the rope
Tied to fisherman's belt.
It dangles after,
Just. Evading. My grasp.

Everything feels messy
She is wonderful
I don’t know what I’m doing
- To cause her pain
Something undesired
Muscles poised: I want to run
To flirt with spontaneity
To hug strangers
Eyes sending love
I want to have a base
A place to go that is my own
Quiet. Blank. Private.
Freedom.
“You’re such a free spirit”
He said
“Of course you freak out”
I want my life to be simple
And clear
And understood. At least mostly.
Definable.
This chaos runs out of lines
The ink drips
Boxes become smudges
And the drum beats
‘He’s leaving
He’s leaving
He’s leaving’
I’m still questioning my sexuality
Confirmation is a moment
It passes.
Leaving vague memory
A trace.
Not enough of a trace.
“Relax: let everything fall apart except you”
He said.
Wouldn’t that bring more chaos?
I’m trying to hold everything together
To pretend to the outside
EVERYTHING IS OKAY
Says Catbug
And they smile
“How cute”
And that is enough
But inside drips and pools
Something is collapsing
Nothing seems real anymore.

Foot.
How strange you seem down there.
Well, strange from up here.
Attached to an ankle to a leg to -- to the rest of me I would hope.
And though you're holding me up,
Balancing my every move,
You're mostly ignored, much forgotten,
Quite integral you do prove.

Pt 1.
These thighs I really hate
See, they have far too much weight
They wobble too much, they're not at all tight
They're not as small as I would have liked

I'm the midriff, and I'm much better
Skinny and toned and shapely
From ***** to hip,
I do look fit!
Them thighs got nothing on me.

Yet what better way to move about
To run and dance to 'twist and shout'
Without them I'd surely lose
Without them I could not move!

Now I ought to see this more clearly
For a long sickness has beset me
And I have been the weakest link
Im holding you back - don't you think?

Pt 2.
Oh stomach you're a constant pain
Though I know you're not truly to blame
But, at its very worst,
I, thighs, have been cursed
I cannot do my duty

Now ruled by your various aches
Oh tummy! - Just let me run for Christ sakes
Such a simple thing to miss
Deprived by your fetid sickness

I'm just trying not to let you stop me
From enjoying life as I ought to be
And I know that we all suffer
From some something
At some time or other

You turn food to energy for me
I can't do anything quite so tricky!
You see each and every part takes its toll:
And each and every part makes up this whole.

I somehow feel that life isn’t real.
There are fragments, I see them separate from one another –
Yet they’re all so obviously intertwined.
Apart apart apart.
Everything is set apart.
Connected yet not.
Perhaps a tree has fallen across the lines?
Its blocking the signal.
Interrupting the charge
Yet at the other end people still hear it-
Oh they hear it alright.
But it was passed on without my knowledge.
Passed on without any inkling, or desire, from my part.
And the effects are there -
Perhaps a spark jumped across just as the tree came crashing down?
Perhaps.
The other end heard the call.
They heard and they picked up.
They responded accordingly.
So when I stumble in, ready to deliver the news -
Or not deliver, to dance around the subject-
They grin and say “oh, we knew all along!
Did you think that we’d approve?”

Shocked, I stammer, pretend it’s fine
As though there was nothing wrong with that line
They giggle behind their hands in evil glee
And proceed to talk of someone other than ME
“Did you know; SHE’s pregnant?!!”
They haply yap,
Merrily waving at the poor chap.

So apart - yet so close!
The parts of my world intertwine
And sadly I glance around
As their mouths flap and fingers waggle
Oh! What marvellous company I have found!

I'm happy and sad.
And trying to remember that that's okay.
Allowing tears to fall
And angels to catch them
Allowing laughter to escape
- Half in fear it may not return

I'm falling fast.
"Hard and fast" they say.
Stealing shy glances, sideways grins,
A touch of her skin
Stealing time, giddy,
Nervous heart ticking its own clock

I'm bereft. Suddenly alone.
- And falling so soon!
For a moment he was my everything
But then forever fell out the bottom.
In these moments she lifts me up
- But too soon, too soon

And I find it strange
That in loss I am in love
for lust was never this deep
Here I counsel myself to slumber,
To heal,
Biding time.