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Im getting antsy
Tie my wings
Hold me down
But if i dont fly
Ill hurt someone
Thats how
Compulstions work

God i get in my way
And my head
**** me
I need you
To distract me
Touch me
I need something
To feel.
Do i mean it?
Who knows
But wont it be fun
To find out?
Wrapped in your scent
I think of then
I think what could have been
If i had felt something more
If loving people wasnt a chore
I wish i could do more
Could have done more
But oh
Love is a bore


Love is fire
We were rain
Love was never
Part of our game
Your name
It sends chills down my spine
And no
Not the good kind

We were wet
And you loved the most
I was new to this feeling of comfort
Was it comfort?
Was it comfort that kept me up at night
Wondering if my head was alright
Wondering if i was holding you tight
Because you never seemed ok
With my selfish
Distant ways
And i never knew what to say
To do
How to act

But today
Holding your essence
In the naked palm
Of my hand
I felt that slighy

We could have been something someday
Can I wear your hoodie again?
I spend 3-4 hours a day watching a man swim laps
And then im called to
The hospital
To see my Pappa
And im watching the same thing.
A man going
Going round in circles.
You flatter me
Thats a lie
You make me
Want to die

You color me
With pretty words
But between the lines
Lies the hurt

You say im pretty
Now take off your clothes
You say im nice
Words? Lose those

I talk to much
Im a *** toy
You dont say it
But i annoy

And you act curious
As to why
I hate my body
And wanna cry

I only feel pretty
With nothing on
I look so much better
With the lights turned off

If i shut up
Ill be better at this
Because my words distract
From the skin you missed

Im a writer
I read between the lines
I see all
The **** you try

I know all the moves
See all the bull
Yet i still go along
With the crap you pull

I cant blame you
For my naivety
I can only blame you
For using me
Everyone is high
On self pity and
Self diagnosed with
A terrible
No one knows
How to be sad
Without writing it off
As extraordinarily bad
Happiness isn't
A permanent gig
It's always there
If you bother to dig
Everyone is sad
Because the world is ****** up
And no one dares
To see the good stuff
A world of pessimism
Breeds angry babes
And they all start to believe
Theres no Other way
So load up on drugs
Get high in the rest
Because that's when the world
Looks its ******* best
No one was taught
How to smile
Despite the world
Looking dark for a while
So we all slit our wrists
And demand sympathy
From a world that never cared
If you were down on your knees
I dont care

My throat clogs

I dont care

Angry thoughts
Pacing feet

I dont care

Mental whispers
Next to silent screams

I dont care

It hurts
My wrists
My hips

I dont care

Music louder than

I dont care

Laughing too loud
Smiling to everyone
My teeth grind

I dont care
I wouldn't want to be around me either
I'm miserable company
These poems smell like flowers
And your name smells like death
You pervade my paper
You ruin my mind

This music tastes so ******
Im not usually this sad
What do i even write about you

Youre no good
You taste like iron in my mouth
You dont even know who you are
You wouldnt guess it for the world

My sensitive teeth cant take
the feel of you grinding my jaw
into dust
My bones are just ash and dirt

This tune was happy
And i loved it so much
But now it too holds too much

I can drink black coffee
And not be as taken back
As when tasting
I feel like crying
Because im ******* in love with you
And oh my god
I dont want it

It hurts
I cant breathe
Its so god ******

Thats why i ******* worry.
Not suicidally
Or accidentally
But in the sense
Of noteriety

I dont want
Anyone knowing me
Or the awful human
I used to be

I want to start fresh
Do good for the world
Start charitable organizations
And be the angels herald

Even my own father
Calls me devlish now
So maybe its time
To five a final bow

Ill exit the stage
And sink from sinful fame
Ill do what i want
With no title or name

And how freeing itll be
To not look after you
To not reassure
Every ****** thing you do

And i wont tell a lie
Not even for my own good
And if you think me cold hearted
You clearly misunderstood

I wont pity petty people
I wont try and hold your hand
When all you want to do
Is fight the quick sand

Youre sinking faster
Than i can keep up
So im done going down
With a ship thats far sunk

So yes i want to die
Im exhausted from this
Life is miserable
When your boots are all i kiss

So im starting over fresh
Born again as a fresh new babe
And i hope this world is kinder
Than when i was first made
Im really just so tired and im counting the days until i have the freedom to just start over and leave.

Also idk how to spell noteriety
Maybe im a waste
A loss of space
A blight on the universe
That built me
And my wonder
So much ambition
But no goals
To imaginary live
Where no one
Can stop me
Thats all anyone does
Its been a while. Hi guys
Oh God how this sweater hangs on me
Its my mothers
Just like my lips

And these bruises on my eyes?
They sting from the hours
looking at your face

My hands still shake
every hour
of the day

theyre cold
stuck in this hesitant state of urges to do but lack of execution

like i lack the execution to kiss you
when you lean in to whisper
whatever it is you say

I cant even eat
because my mind is too
wrapped on everything else

like how i need to write in my book
or loook at colleges
or join a club

but i just sit there
just sit there overwhelmed
hard to breathe

i still havent even looked at my report card
i made A's & B's
i know because i can go to the pizza party

but i cant eat pizza
because im thinking of everything
every god ****** trivial thing

and im so stressed
so overwhelmed
and that trip to Germany

I want to go so bad
but we cant afford the $3000 dollars i need.
$3000 dollars that could go towards college

******* college
i want to go but no here
not locallly in Tennessee

i want to leave Tennessee
I want to be anywhere else
nothing happens here

not in **** **** no where
Columbia Tennessee
Forget us town USA
Maybe hes right
Im going to die
We all are
Maybe tonight
I might cry
I might scar
But none of it matters
And no one really cares
Because were all going to die
I've learned to nod
to smile
when you hear the name
or see the face
just play happy and then
zone the **** out.

I've learned that when a topic
makes you uncomfortable
just be quiet
don't argue
that contributes
just wait for it to go away

I've learned that when you don't like something
get away from it
don't explain yourself
no one will agree with you
no matter what
don't defend yourself
you don't have to

I've learned that headphones
and a severe case of bitchface
make people turn the other way
and the few that are curious
go away after a ****** thumbs up
and a strained smile

I've learned that being a *****
and being quiet
and doing things for yourself
help you scrape by

I've leaned that *******
and indifferent
feel very much
the same
You hold too many firsts
To be Just a Friend
I will never get the image

You didnt take my virginity
But **** did you almost
And god i hate myself for it

And i cant feel at ease around you
I dont know what your thinking
I just want to be done
I wish it had never happened
So we could just be friends
Why can't you be upfront with me
Admit you never cared
Tell me I was just fun
And you didn't actually get scared
You like the perks I offer
But not the love tied with
So now ill turn it off
I hope you like the gift
Just tell me the truth. You never did love me.
Cigarettes taste like fireworks
And my throat is raw
From nights well spent
And I'm exhausted
But I'm living
And I'm broke
But I'm living
And what is life
If all I do is wait to die
And I'm living
But so unhappy
And nothing soothes me
I'm stuck and
Love is so gone and
I am here waiting
And spending my nights well
But ultimately
Because what is life
If not just waiting to die.
The alcohol is so metallic
And I can still remember too much
Of each blurry night
And I'm ******
But I'm living
And I'm drunk
But I'm living
And I'm a *****
But ******* it I'm living
I'm just waiting
Waiting to die
And I'm stuck
And I'm wandering
What is life If not waiting to die
Hold my hips
Losing grip
And if your hand
I wont

Social ties
the darkness
Of your eyes

Hear the bands
Making us dance
And sing
Roaming, finding
Break the wall dividing

Drawing eyes
Revealing lies
Fingers graze
Mind in a haze
The final

In 4 months my brother will be 18
and in 7 months i will be 17
and i still feel like a 5 year old
in an adult world

i still dont know how to spell
and i still get nervous when asking the cashier for ketchup
Yet im expected to know
what to do with my life

I think i do
but i still want to be a princess astronaut who lives in barbie mansion
and maybe its childish
maybe im still a child

how am i to know
when im grown up enough to be one person
because right now i feel like a little girl playing dress up
and my shoes are too big for me
So sick of lonely people trying to get with me
They're only ever interested in company
They don't care who with, just somebody
And I guess I fit the category of a body
Ive never had anything
Worth breaking my heart
And dont you know
That breaks it
All the more
The man with a Jesus bumper sticker
Smokes to meet him sooner
I smoke too
Can't say much
But there's no light in my tunnel
I've had
5 boys
Since you came
And then left
I've had
5 toys
And none could
Give me rest

I've been bored
For months now
I've been bored
For years
A small pause
For you
And all
Those tears

I haven't felt a good hand
I haven't kissed good lips
Haven't seen a face
That makes me move my hips

I've gotten stuck
Around posts
With names
And desires
But I'm just
Sitting here
And tired

I've been with
5 boy
Bored by
I had me
5 toys
And the next
Might be a gun
I dont want love
unless were speaking of love
in terms of rolling around
in the sheets
with breathless,
and then leaving
through the door
made of love notes
at the crack
of a burnt,
Who knows why

Who knows why
He chose her
Who knows why
She wants him

Maybe its because
When she looks in the mirror
She isnt afraid
of what she sees

Maybe its because
She needs to feel needed
By someone shes above
Because she feels so low

Maybe its because
I'm too scared
To feel self respect
When my back has boot prints

Who knows why
It only hurts
When the hot water washes
Over me at 1AM

Who knows why
I can feel everything
so much that
I dont even care
Just some 1 am ramblings
i like pop music
some oldies too
i dont like Mudhoney
but you do

I like rivers
I like the ground
you get thrills
im safe and sound

I like Disney
I like Pixar
You like pulp fiction
its just who we are

im not obscure
ive tried to be
its not who i am
its not who ill be

this isnt an attack
just recognition
of who i am
of what im missing

im trying to fit in
but thats not what im about
i dont get along
with the out crowd

i dont get cult movies
or grungy rock bands
it doesnt make me
less than i am

i like classic poets
but moderns good too
but i dont get those poets
you watch on youtube

maybe i thought
i could learn or understand
but im beginning to see
thats just not who i am

this is a message
or maybe just a thought
i had to say it
im all i got

ill still try to watch your movies
ill listen to your bands
ill try to get it
ill try to understand

i dont always get you
but boy do i try
i guess im just tired
of trying to lie
these are just thoughts of mine. if YOU read this just know it doesn't mean anything more than exactly what it says.
Mean ole mister
Never loved no one
Held his heart on his belt
Right next to his gun
Spat tobacco
On the blood red dirt
Didnt give a ****
Who the hell he hurt
Cant call mommy
When the pen fails the sword
Cant run to daddy
With no apologetic word
Give me a hand
Ill give you an arm
Take away my eyes
And your's'll come to harm
Mean ole mister
Knows what he does
Just getting by
Anyway he must
He learned that momma
Dont give a ****
He learned that daddy
Likes his mean hand
Youve gotta be tough
Hold up your own
Youve got to make sure
Through out life youve grown
Mean ole mister
Might make you cry
But mean ole mister
Sure as hell knows why
Its taken me this long
To realize
To understand
That not every moment
Needs to be shared
To be great

But it might be better
If it were
Because great moments
Are still
Never as great

Im so independent
I dont need anyone
For anything
But i want someone
For everything.
It's not a bad dream
It's not heartbreak
But I crawl to you
All the same
2 years old
Or 18 more
It's automatic
I'm at your door
Sleepy eyes
Blink up at me
Worry and question
"What do you need?"
I just pull back the covers
Climb in beside you
You never minded
No matter my mood
I've been gone for so long!! But I have a lot going on. I'm pregnant!! But this is just a tribute to my mom who I don't appreciate enough and who has never minded me laying in bed and talking to her about everything and anything
No gps connection
And I'm lost
With no one to call
When im home alone
I like to walk outside
In the middle of the yard
And hear everything

Theres so much to see
To hear
When no one
Is there to speak.

I hear poetry
In the christmas carols
Ringing from the houses
All around me

From the train
Roaring away
Just down the street
From my small existence

The baseball feild
Is illuminated
And the cheers ring
Over the line of trees

And everything
Around me
Is so

How can i dare
To believe im anything
Next to this universe
Of noise and life
There is no muse
Like that of false love

Inspirational in all
Its harsh ways

So then
What am i to write about?

I could pretend
I loved you for a minute

And find something
In that lie

But poetry is honest.
You are not.

I havent traveled
Or seen the harshness of the world

All i know is i have this pen
And an urge to say something

Im not good at metaphors
Or complicated lines

Straight forward honest writing
About nothing, nothing at all.
Honestly more word ***** than a poem
Can you bruise my lips instead of my mind?
I will never be your one and only
I am
only one
small piece
of a big picture
A commoners cries
To the winning king
After trading sides
Your praises theyll sing
The underdog
Gets the bone
Until the bone doesnt get you far
Great dictators have never stolen with force
They just know who their audience are
I've never looked at mine
I guess
I settled
For being one
I left one hat
To jump in another
And they draw me
And put me back

I'm an option
Never a choice
Always the fish
You throw back
I'm fine with that
I guess being forced on people
Makes me ugly
Makes me a chore
And I try and make up for it
By being a *****
I dont know. Bad poetry
******* Brain
Severed Membrane
Sharing the blame
Taking back my name

Im over it
So done with it
Tired of holding you
When you get hit

Youre cold and
Yet somehow
Burnt out

youre lying down
like a dog
in the dirt

holding your head
like a child
youre hurt

and i cant be there
to cradle your pity
i cant hold on
while you run

Youll drag me down
If i feel sorry for you
Ill be afraid to leave
Ill be afraid id break you

and maybe i will
maybe youll shatter
maybe you just need
to rebuild
I just get so tired of carrying people on my back when i feel like i should be going in a different direction and its only going to drag me down. sometimes people need to resent you to learn to stand up for themselves and on their own. dependency is a disease in such multitude.
Watching your face fall
Like a brick
On concrete
Seeing you stand tall
When i can tell
You feel
So torn
Maybe im not yours
Because youve never
Maybe i wont commit
I see you
Youll talk big
About how far
Ahead youve
But youll still
notice her
In the
Sharpie veins
Jello brains
Nothing to do
But try and stay sane
Holding my head
In the toilet bowl
Vomiting my heart
Because its filled with holes
My mind is gone
I sold it for the sun
Got burnt by the flames
Now i have no one
Now ill cover my face
And show my heart
Under two *******
Spread them apart
Poisoned lungs
Have sunken my soul
How can i breathe
When im not whole
Take yourself an arm
Tear off a leg
Use my skin
Like a frat party keg
My bones ache
My skin is frail
Bruises on my wrists
Blackening this shell

Pale blue skies
Cover golden green grass
But what you cant see
Is the ground smothered in glass

A bird flies in the sky
But the sky is a cage
He cant stay on the ground
For fear of being prey

Freedom is a prison
When yours isnt mine
In slavery were bold
And our motives shine
Tracing shapes
My hands
Feel cold
Car seats
My makeup is
Too thick
And your
Is choking
Your sense
Mutual desire
But singular
On both ends
I said the magic word
And now im terrified
That soon youll run
Away from my side
Leaving me heartbroken
With severe trust isssues
Choking on my lungs
Breathing in tissues
Im swimming in your jacket
Hoping i never reach the shore
Unlike all the others
Youve never been a bore
studying poets
studying life
who came first
who's life is worst
who had troubles
who had shame (Hawthorne)
Who wore white (Dickinson)
Who had no name

Somebody says
"I don't get this at all!"
And that is the system's
main downfall

Not everyone relates
to tales of strife
Not everyone has
lost their wife (Longfellow)
Not everyone will get
why these were so great
And thats perfectly
100% okay

Let them find poetry
Let them bust out a rap
find something that means
Something to them
Let them find verses
that soothe the soul
Calm the nerves and
Make them whole

I love Dickinson
I have a passion for Walt
Reading Poe makes me think
Cummings makes me halt

Some arent so lucky
to see magic in phrase
of old, dead poets
Who will always amaze

So let them wander
Give them a book
Put them on Youtube
Let them look

Poetry is magnetic
It will always find a way
Because people will walways
have something to say
Were all walking down a similar road
to a career in suicide
and alcoholic medications
praising something so much
that we die with it
for it
in spite of it
we die
whether is be a god
or a girl
we cannot differentiate
we walk in trembling strides
to that alter of
our obsession
and jot down
a couplet
or an epic
or maybe a novel of song
about hate
oh so many muses unexplored
and we slit our wrists
offering our blood
to a deity who
D O E S N ' T  G I V E  A  S H I T
and we think ourselves holy
that we sacrifice so much
but no
the people on the other
side of the fence
are just smart enough
to know better
My chest is so heavy
My eyes are blurry with strain
My back is breaking with expectations
And I can't bear all this pain
I'm treading in a lake of pressure
And I dont think anyone knows
That I'm struggling for every breath
Barely keeping water out of my nose
I've screamed out loud
My whole life now
And no one has heard
Any of that sound

I've tried to make
My small voice heard
And it's been shoved aside
At every turn

I've screamed so hard
My voice is numb
And my opinions
Just ring dumb

I'm tired of trying
to be loud
So now I'm dying
Without a sound
I've been screaming about the same **** things forever now and I'm done trying. If I get noff respect then what's the point
She tells the woman on the phone about the cancer
And how much she makes
And how much i cost
Tiny Raindrops
She has a stone voice and i can see she has water eyes
The test results came back for her
A million tiny raindrops
And i cant see
A million tiny raindrops on the windshield
Im not worried about seeing the road
How can you trust me
When im not even

I hold to many peices
In one skeleton
To know where im going
Or who i am

I dont even know my name some days

And youve decided you love me??

I think youre stupid.

I think you have some sick need
To love someone
To have someone
To say to yourself that you know how to love
And that youre loved in return.

But youre wrong.
You dont love me.
You done even know what that word means.
Dont spout out these things without even understanding the weight of what you say.

Dont expect me to say i love you
Just to ******* ease your mind.
Love is not a sympathy
It is not a charity drive.
You do not say it
Unless you
Mean it.

So hold your **** tongue
And you know ill hold mine.
I havent written in so long
I havent been able to breathe
Even longer
All my air
Into you
I cant think past you
Or work past you
Or exist beyond you
You have become
My centerpeice
At a party
I wasnt going
To throw
But got dragged to
I mean...
Im having a wonderful time
But i know i could be doing something else
And you could be adorning
Prettier parties
Weve become each others lives
And a lot of the time
I question why
and if for the right reasons
And all of this is
But is anything
Legitimate anymore
Nothing has weight
Anorexic ideas
Full of nothing but air
And some human need
To prove were worth something
And something...
What is something
And what are we
Whay do we
And im not content
With settling for nothing
But im sure that
I think about it
I think about it
I think about it
Sitting here with you
I think about it
I feel shame
I think about it
I feel hate
I think about it
*** has changed
I think about it
Sitting here
With a smoke in my hand
A coffee on my lips
And I think about it
I think about it
Red light
Worst night
Too drunk
and I think about it
Not my house
Not my friends
Making out
God I think about it
I think about it
Red light
Worst night
I think about it
Some things don't leave you...
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