Flick
Spiral and sink
Flick
Rising gray heat
Flick
The red glow gone
Flick
And the world before long

Sadly
Metaphysical
And
Magical
Are not the same thing
So holding that lapiz
Too tightly in my right hand
Did not
Make me
Feel calm

How dare you utter
those most vicious words
as if you mean them at all

How dare you tell me
that you dont think of her
when thats who you chose

You collect people
like an ant collects food
yet tell me you dont like to share

sharing. you share yourself until your broken
broken
broken
broken
i
cannot
fix you

it hurts when you love me
it hurts when you dont

Be it caution
Or jealousy
Who does he see
When he looks at me

Another day and its all the same
plastic faces floating the halls
this town is so boring
its choking me

I cant sleep
With all of you on my brain

And i cant see straight
Because im blinded by disappointment

Am i a sycophant?
Is that two faced?
To agree just to make you feel ok?

Maybe im just tired
Yet i cant sleep

This is the first time
In a long time

That my brain
Just wont calm down

Oh god its back
The hate is back

Its bitter like
This harsh winter air

Everything normal
In the worst way

I hate myself
Again

I need you to be here
Youre the only one

Everyone else *****
And i miss you alot

And no one will
Know what this
Is about

Listening to music
i hear a person
i hear a song
about a love
ive never known.

i see eyes that dont exist
and arms ive never felt
i hear goodbyes that have never hurt me
and maybe
never
will

If you ask me
To come and see
To part the space
Between my knees

If you dare
Touch my hair
With rotten lust
In your eyes gleam

How can i ever
See you the same
When you'd use me
Without even my name

Sick little boy
I need a friend
Dont make this
Into our end

Tackles and heartache
Concessions and new take
These nights have
Become a race
For who can cry
The fastest
A contest
Where everyone
Loses
Life doesnt know winners
Life doesnt know victory
Because in the end
Death will beat
Us all

You might
As well
Stab me
Because
Youre killing me
Just
The same

Maybe when we kissed
I swallowed your tongue
And thats why you
Cant speak

D
O
N
T

L
I
E

T
O

M
E

I keep trying to write
About us mostly
But i cannot
Fathom words
To tell about
This feeling in my chest
And this wrenching of my gut
And how the idea of
This nausea
Is so good
And i cannot
Write into life
How my skin is bursting
When i read your name
Or when i see you
And feel you
And how everything
Every being
Every particle
Every small microscopic
Atomic
Piece of me
Is whispering
Your name

I guess I understand
Boredom is a pest
Leaking into your mind
Stealing peaceful rest
I know the urge to adventure
To wander to foreign lands
But I know how to hold my ground
Youre just good at holding hands
Try and brush it off
Because I like to travel too
I get why youre restless
Im not good enough for you
How naive of me
To think I held your mind
What a bitter pill
To know that you have pined
For someone else
That isnt me
Oh what a shock of news
I was dumb
To think otherwise
No right to have the blues

I try to choose kindness
I try to take deep
breaths
and let my anger wash out

But, my there are wasps in
my brain

there is a buzzing
hot
hot
heat
settled where my neck and head
meet

I swim laps in the pool
I walk the road and back
I hope that maybe I will
make it back
kinder

I walk foot trails with
my son
the leaves casting dappled light on his gold-spun hair
I feel my chest break at the sight
He is so kind but he is mine
will he feel this buzzing

will it lead him to break every day
I try to quiet my voice so
he doesn't learn
to yell

but I never learned quiet.
I am teaching myself. I am learning
He is patient with me
that is not his job

I see the sun on his hair
He jumps on my back in the pool
he giggles and wails
love incarnate

I think I will remember these times most
I will feel nostalgia bathed in dappled gold
when my bones are brittle and old
when I have finally learned
to quiet the buzzing

but will it be too late
will his giggles cease
will his small hands turn into fists
will he become me

I am teaching myself. I am learning.
I hope he is learning too
I hope he is seeing me try, seeing me take deep breaths
seeing me scramble for kindness
kindness!
I thrash against these angry chains and I hope he knows

but
I watched my father thrash his whole life
It is how I knew to try
I still carry his anger in me like
like wasps in my brain

I choose kindness
I take deep breathes
I swim laps and walk trails
I hope that kindness will
chose me back

****

Momma asks when will I learn
When will I grow up
And put myself first
I tell her
It's different this time
that's what I said
Last time I was with him
She told me I'd be
Wearing a frown
When I deserved to be
Wearing a crown
I told her I'd take my mistakes
Because they were mine to make
But I keep hearing her voice
Every time I look him in the eyes
When the hell will I learn?
He can see her
But I can't see him
I feel guilty at the slightest whim
But he
I don't think he feels a thing

The problem with this thing called love
Is having busy feet
wanting to travel the world
and loving everyone I meet
I could try and stay here
For you I would try
But my soulmate is the world
and if i put roots in this soil, I'll die.

Im sick

I have been
for a long time
My stomach
Has never felt right

My mind
has never settled
My nerves
Always jumbled

In sore heaps
My bones lie dry
Beneath a tarp
Of scarred skin

Maybe sick is
the wrong word

Im wrong

Everything about me
Falls into the wrong place
Nothing matches up
On my disorganized face

Im physically uncomfortable
In my own skin
I want to rip it off
And regrow it again

Maybe the problem
Is in who ive made myself
Maybe i dislike
What ive portraited to everyone else

So maybe i should try
And take apart my mind
And regrow my very being
From my center. From inside.

Ive been chewing my bottom lip
Wishing it was yours
Maybe then
I wouldnt bleed
So much

Clipping my fingernails
Down to the nub
Because i want
To paint them black

I cant quit tearing
Out pages
And pages
Of poems

Because
Every
Single
Word
Is all about you

that's all you make me do
I'm either scared
or angry
or moaning
but
I don't like
any of them
if im being honest
im beginning to think that the only time
im interesting
is when im begging for more

All my thoughts
I cannot write
Quite so quickly
As they come
A million thoughts
In less than a second
And some are not
supposed to be written
some cannot be
summed up into words
some are just
feelings and life
Like I cannot capture
into words
How the sun looks
or how it shines
off the dew
or how the
golden glimmer
of your smile
can light up
this whole town
or how your eyes
are so blue
like ice
yet you have the warmest hug
like a fall day
when its breezy
but the sun is on your back
You are fall
beautiful colors
all the colors
of the sun
A warm sweater
pumpkin pie
Thanksgiving
Halloween
and slowly
you move into
winter
because
you fall
out of love
and your smile
isn't quite so bright
and the sun
wont shine
So the cold is biting
and I see all your beauty
But that is all
still beautiful
but cold
You have lost
the blue
in your eyes
Now
they are gray
like the fog
in winter
and I don't love
you
I loved fall
and even this doesn't capture my thoughts
but it calms them
to some degree
but without my thoughts
my mind
echos
So
Do I catch them
and mayhaps write them down
some thoughts
are not made for writing
but
I will write them
because
I miss the fall