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  Sep 2023 Miki
Charles Bukowski
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I'm not going
to let anybody see
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I pur whiskey on him and inhale
cigarette smoke
and the ****** and the bartenders
and the grocery clerks
never know that
in there.

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say,
stay down, do you want to mess
me up?
you want to ***** up the
you want to blow my book sales in
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too clever, I only let him out
at night sometimes
when everybody's asleep.
I say, I know that you're there,
so don't be
then I put him back,
but he's singing a little
in there, I haven't quite let him
and we sleep together like
with our
secret pact
and it's nice enough to
make a man
weep, but I don't
weep, do
Miki Aug 2023
I try to choose kindness
I try to take deep
and let my anger wash out

But, my there are wasps in
my brain

there is a buzzing
settled where my neck and head

I swim laps in the pool
I walk the road and back
I hope that maybe I will
make it back

I walk foot trails with
my son
the leaves casting dappled light on his gold-spun hair
I feel my chest break at the sight
He is so kind but he is mine
will he feel this buzzing

will it lead him to break every day
I try to quiet my voice so
he doesn't learn
to yell

but I never learned quiet.
I am teaching myself. I am learning
He is patient with me
that is not his job

I see the sun on his hair
He jumps on my back in the pool
he giggles and wails
love incarnate

I think I will remember these times most
I will feel nostalgia bathed in dappled gold
when my bones are brittle and old
when I have finally learned
to quiet the buzzing

but will it be too late
will his giggles cease
will his small hands turn into fists
will he become me

I am teaching myself. I am learning.
I hope he is learning too
I hope he is seeing me try, seeing me take deep breaths
seeing me scramble for kindness
I thrash against these angry chains and I hope he knows

I watched my father thrash his whole life
It is how I knew to try
I still carry his anger in me like
like wasps in my brain

I choose kindness
I take deep breathes
I swim laps and walk trails
I hope that kindness will
chose me back
hey it's been a while
  Mar 2021 Miki
It has been a year now
Since my vices ran rampant
I flew like Icarus among the clouds
Saw god or whoever resided there
Fell to earth in a crater of who I once was
Burned for days amongst tubes and doctors
Sweated out the best of me
prayed to whomever would listen
Reminded myself of what I was
And chose to be different
Demon in the drink demon in the mind
  Mar 2021 Miki
Joshua Haines
He was older than he felt
but his accomplishments
made him feel like he
was trailing behind.

Middle school said the
next step mattered.
High school said the
next step mattered.
College said your
degree would matter.
Here I am
making your drink.

Hey—did you hear?
I’m selling salvation
in a pamphlet.
Oh—is it clear?
I’m in cheap slacks
on your cheap

People are dying older.
Politics keep getting bolder.
Can’t afford my prescription refill.
Sign me up for war. Use your
******* blinker. I’m only a season

He looked younger than
he was, all just because
he didn’t live life hard.
Nothing wrong with that—
some people say it’s lazy,
while eroding their bodies.

I thought that looks
would matter.
I thought wits
would matter.
That a career was just
a ladder
you scaled.
Here I am
managing pennies.
There you are
managing memories.
Hope I can afford a

Hey—did you hear?
Your death won’t even be free.
Oh—is it clear?
You’re a tenant in your plot
until the landlord forgets.

People are getting older.
Politics are getting bolder.
Choosing insurance over groceries.
Sign me up for Hulu. Five dollars on
pump five. I’m only a paycheck behind.
Miki Aug 2018
My chest is so heavy
My eyes are blurry with strain
My back is breaking with expectations
And I can't bear all this pain
I'm treading in a lake of pressure
And I dont think anyone knows
That I'm struggling for every breath
Barely keeping water out of my nose
Miki Sep 2017
It's not a bad dream
It's not heartbreak
But I crawl to you
All the same
2 years old
Or 18 more
It's automatic
I'm at your door
Sleepy eyes
Blink up at me
Worry and question
"What do you need?"
I just pull back the covers
Climb in beside you
You never minded
No matter my mood
I've been gone for so long!! But I have a lot going on. I'm pregnant!! But this is just a tribute to my mom who I don't appreciate enough and who has never minded me laying in bed and talking to her about everything and anything
  Apr 2017 Miki
Brian Hoffman
It's 3:30 am
Every night something is keeping me up
Every night I lay awake thinking...
Is it insomnia keeping me up through the dark dreary nights
Is it my chaotic bipolar mind telling me nothing in the end will work out right
Is it loneliness feeling as if all my friends left and nothing seems right
Or is it jealously where I don't know my place in the world, but everyone else I know seems just fine
I can't find my mind
I can't make the time
The wiring went faulty
I'm out of place
Am I out of my mind?
It's 3:32 am
Continplating on what I should do with this life
Everyone always says things in the end workout alright
But I can't get any sleep at night
I'm tired of trying
I'm tired of putting up a fight
And for what cost?
All my feelings and emotions are lost.
Bipolar Insomnia
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