All that remains
Chalk that wrote our story
I absentmindedly erased
Essence of our core
Still searching
For the lines of us
Lost somewhere
Amongst the dust
My inspiration slowly fading
Sinking in quicksand
With no hopes of wading
I will always be waiting
Rising from the depths
Of my past life
Paper bound
And
Apologetic
Praying to all gods
That I don’t repeat
The same mistakes
Pleading woefully
For heavens sake
Desperately hoping
I don’t know how much more I can take

There’s an electricity in your eyes
The kind that compels me
To disregard all consequence
Drifting effortlessly towards you
Hypnotized by your gaze
I watch the smoke rise
From the edge of your vices
Grabbing your hand delicately
Showing you I’m not all talk
We wandered aimlessly
Through the night
High on the tension
Surging between us
A slow build
Into an explosion of epic proportions
Finding the closest corner
Tucked away from the world
Sharing these moments
So close to fantasy
You feel like a dream
As you consume me body and soul

Wandering aimlessly
My soul the only compass
But my mind is lost
As I see the trees begin to frost
I wonder how I got here
Dropped in the middle of calm chaos
Through the forest
You are my light
My muse
No sense in a fight
Your eyes
At the end of this
The only cure
To my hopelessness
See you
See through you
Connection instantaneous
Stuck between a rock and a hard place
Because it excites me too much
To see your face
And I’m attached
Feeling attacked
Suffocated
By the world that surrounds me
Outside of these doors
Having me completely floored
Sound of your voice
Left without a choice
But forced to make one
At the barrel of a gun

Smoked up a half
Others think we’re mad
Perfectly complimenting
Infectious laugh
Overwhelming energy
Creating a perfect synergy
Twin souls
The missing piece
Bonnie to my Clyde
An atomic release
Wreaking havoc
On every road we tread
Kiss explosive
Exuding various shades of red
Straight from the bottle
Drinking whiskey
Lips taste of alcohol and apple
Before we go full throttle
Getting frisky
In the back of a packed bar
No thoughts of who can see
You put your hands all over me
Smoking cigarettes
Until our lungs hurt
Making bets
Behind smirks
Knowing we can’t win here
Overcoming every fear
Of any consequence
Or anyone that comes near...

Stuck
Between two roads
My mind wandering
Trapped
In the ethereal state
Of wanting what I can’t have
The unexpected
The irresistible
Sinking in you
But this floating feeling
Keeps me reeling
You are the tune that I carry
The song I sing
The feelings I bury
Because this is all too scary
When you make my soul feel
Fantasy so real
Too hard to conceal
Looking at your face
This smile can’t be erased
A connection that can’t be replaced
As this heat rises
Spreading throughout my body
You’ve got my brain bumbled
And my whole body flustered
Knowing this has to stay secret
My words must stay mustered
Because I have my reasons
For not diving straight in
But I’m starting to stop caring
If I’m living in sin
Because my eyes can’t stay off of you
And I simply can’t win

Every time
You extend your hand
I reach out to emptiness
Vacant
Words
Toying with my emotions
You play the game
Always winning
With your looks
Pale skin
Red lipstick
Smeared on my collar
Where your head would lie
All of those times you lied
You see it differently
Of course you do
Playing the victim
Saying I’m always attached
And that’s why you would never
Take this dive with me
In reality
Terrified
Of what would happen
If you committed to something
Other than yourself

Entombed
In a prison
Of my darkest thoughts
A burial
With no witnesses
No eulogies
No one to miss me
Feeling the dirt fall in my mouth
Shaking from regret
After all
I put myself here
In the process
Pushing away
The ones that tried
to keep me from this end
Broke down their own walls
To reach out to me
I see the vision
Of hands outstretched
Cringing at the thought
That I could have steered away
Avoiding the dismay

Overwhelming heat
Stuck to the linoleum floor
Listening to vinyl
Keeping one eye on the door
Not knowing what will happen next
It was clear to me
That you were not like all the rest
Moving in slowly
As to not scare you away
Subtle stares
Magic sent through pages
Writing each other notes
To ensure this isn’t just another hoax
Pouring out our souls
Discussing the future and our goals
We begin to coast
Vibing endlessly
We lose track of time
And before I know it
I begin to rhyme
Singing of you in every line

Simple seeds
Turned roots of trees
Built on lies
The most famous
‘Everything is Fine’
Climbing the branches
Escalating the deception
Until there is no way down
No savior around
A prison of invention
Forged by the best intentions
A forest of fabrication
In the spirit of deception

Smoke swirls in patterns,
From the end of my cigarette,
As I watch you undress,
Kissing the nape of your neck,
I feel your body freeze.
Trepidation,
Anticipation,
The moments,
That leave you tongue tied,
Breathless,
Bordering on restless.

An introduction,
I would allow myself,
No more than that,
Instantaneously captivated by her,
Magnetized,
But I was fighting against gravity.

Knowing the depths of my baggage,
And the density,
Of the fog and noise around me.

I refused to be another stumbler,
Seeking your attention,
I would state my name,
And my awareness,
Of your existence in my universe,
And let the chips fall where they may...

But you made your existence blatantly apparent,
As if our spike in conversation,
Would prevent either of us denying,
A chemical reaction within our words,
Reading between the lines of you.

And now you linger...
Or not so much you,
But the idea of you,
Lingers on my palate.

Awaiting another taste,
Of what it might be like if our worlds,
Were ever again to collide.

As my thoughts wander,
after a night drunk on you,
I realize I can't remember a time where I didn't love you.

Not since that first conversation
seeing you shimmer
in the movie like snow
that stuck to us as we waited.

I was waiting,
I guess part of me always will be,
For that moment,
when I know it's safe to tell you,
You're the only person in the world,
I'd spend the rest of my life waiting for.

But my fear gets the best of me every time.

So I talk in questions
Sometimes just stay silent
Live in my head,
Swimming in the thoughts you inspire,
Wishing I had notation at the ready,
to get everything down,
but I only get pieces of it,
like you.

Just enough to keep wanting more
but never enough to satiate my need.

I wonder what it would feel like to take the dive,
headlong into you,
to throw caution to the wind
and stop caring what happens to me after.
Simply live in the now.

In the tangible current
that surges between us.
The feel of your lips on mine.
The fear that the world might catch fire,
through flaws in its structure,
or flaws in our structure,
in our inability to follow any rules.
"**** the Man. save The Empire."

I'm too tired to function,
but my brain is on auto you.

I wish I could shut it off.

I dream of life
Beyond
Dusty Walls
City Noise
Stressful Expenses
Imagining a life of ease
Out in the world
Where a Pen in all we need.

I dive
Icy Waters
Come as a shock
New beginnings
Never Easy
But I'd rather struggle
Than be stagnant
The Joy in starting over.

Broken Pictures
Of seemingly happy moments
Along stretched hallways
Battered family
Bruised Bones
Screams Echo
Throughout my memories
The Song of Myself

My conscience is loud
yet my voice never comes,
It's disarming what dependency can do, altering your character,
until you are simply a character,
weaving falsities into strands of fools gold, until you're living in an armor
of the emperors new clothes.

I swore to myself,
that I would never again be this person, the one with my finger
on the self destruct button,
but sliding down the hill
comes much easier than climbing.

And at the bottom,
numbness awaits me,
making me fearless.

I feel the cold wash over me,
goosebumps all throughout my being,
as the waves begin to rise.  

She covers me,
salty yet sweet,
and everything makes sense.

The meaning of life in a pretty peach casing.

I am Invincible.

I am Oblivious.

She peaks and soon crashes,
repeatedly against me,
making me feel like the world could end and I wouldn't even think to care.

But what at first seemed exhilarating, wears on me to no end,
the buildup and constant let down.

She's lost her novelty,
and with that,
the numbness fades.

Sobering up for long enough to realize,
I am the definition of insanity.

Inviting you back in so often,
I no longer have defenses against you.
You snuck into my priorities without me ever noticing.
Like that song you hate so much but can't help to sing.

Will I ever get rid of your tune in my head?

Will I ever be able to say no when you call?

You've always been there,
this idea of something I've always craved,
even in the times when I've tried my hardest not to think of you,
you were always tucked away in the corner of my heart.

Nothing and no one has ever changed that,
no matter what amount of effort they put forth,
you were the bar that I'd set in my mind,
and no one could ever get over that.

I suppose it was fair for them,
to force me to keep my distance from you,
since you are the center of my gravitational pull.

I can't help it,
and as much as I try to fight it at times,
the fact  is I really don't want to.

There's something that feels too right,
when my fingertips are wandering along the edges of you,
when you grab my hands,
or in the rare moments that I get the pleasure of your lips on mine.

Those moments that I get lost in,
the kind you want to hide away in a box,
for sad days when you need something beautiful,
to make the world make sense.

You just make sense to me.

"It's a mystery of human chemistry, and I don't understand it, some people, as far as their senses are concerned, just feel like home"

Maybe that's what scares you,
and I get it because sometimes,
it is ******* terrifying to me that every time I leave  you,
I can't shake the idea of you for days at a time.

If at all.

But I've stopped caring,
I'm throwing my hands up to this hopeless cause,
but I'll play the game...

Carefully treading around this like a minefield,
Waiting for the inevitable blast,
The self destruction caused by us finally coming together,
Knowing what is happening and laughing it off in jest,
Because I know what's at stake,
and it's too much to gamble on bad timing.

So I'll stand on the sidelines,
in anticipation of the day,
that your ready to build memories and not just moments,
and enjoying every second I have with you in the meantime.

Because sometimes...
you look at me like I'm the only thing that exists in this world,
and I feel everything else fall away.

And even if the occasions are few and far between,
in my mind this/you will always be worth the wait.

Walking the tight rope of what could be,
she's captured me,
unknowingly,
and pulled me into her world.

At this point,
I would normally cling,
to any sense of constancy and normality,
that I could find to stay grounded.

Feeling my fingers bleed,
as I try to hang on to the edge of this cliff, anything I can do,
to maintain the composure I find in solitude.

But there is something about this,
about her,
that allows me to free fall without fearing,
"what happens when I becomes we?"

A sweetness in her smile,
and a light in her eyes,
that envelops me in a warmth,
I have yet to feel in a lifetime filled,
with chills and dark spaces.

She is the calm within my storm,
the moment I was waiting for,
and although it takes me by surprise,
every time I think about how willing I am
to take this dive,
the idea of my life before her,
makes me wonder if I've ever really felt alive...

Because there simply is no comparison,
to the feelings that swell,
when I find myself lost in these moments with her, the energy,
so clearly tangible,
It builds a world around us,
that nothing can penetrate...

No matter how often I see her,
the memories are enough fuel to keep me,
A parachute as I fall,
knowing that even when I hit the bottom,
she will be there,
waiting with open arms.

The sound of my own voice pains me,
repeating in my head constantly.

Telling me what a failure I end up,
at the end of each day,
and closing my eyes never makes it go away.

An obsessive hum,
inside my mind,
Telling me to leave,
And leave everything behind.

To wander aimlessly,
Until the whole world forgets,
I can end the pain and suffering,
Without feeling any regret.

The thought to lash out,
at every single word,
and the reason in me Screaming back,
to remind me that it's absurd.

I've developed an abusive relationship,
Between me myself and I,
Beyond the point of numbness,
Unable to cry.

Feeling beyond feeling,
Can't shake the weight on my chest,
Fearing that I might wake,
As soon as I attempt rest.

I fear in fact,
the true culprit of most ends,
is no disease or accident,
no suicide or overdose;
but that moment,
when it becomes reality:
We will not achieve the dreams we had set out our whole lives to accomplish.
The moment we know that we can't care for our loved ones forever.
The second we realize all hope is lost and our heart unfortunately,
yet inevitably,
Breaks and Bursts for a final time.
The whispers of our hopes and dreams echoing out into eternity.
Into lives past, forward, and parallel
to being fulfilled in other times...
And once again,
We are Lost and Wandering.

She takes her time tracing the lines of my body, but she doesn't need much, I soon feel the electricity of her touch,sending shocks of passion through parts of me I was unaware of before she introduced me to this new way of loving and being loved.

I watch her relish every moment, as she drives me to the edge of insanity, and I relax, allowing her to take me there, to a place where I'm unaware of anything else's existence, no matter where we are or who is around, I am simply lost in her.

It is a place I've never been able to reach before, one outside of myself, outside of my insecurities and constantly inhibiting thoughts.

A temporal paradox where minutes feel like hours that somehow pass so quickly. There is never enough time to feel like I've had enough of her.
        
I will never have enough.

Yet as I watch her I grow impatient, waiting for my chance to return the favor, to throw her down and make her forget, everything she's learned about passion before becoming aware of my existence.

I find my juncture and seize it flawlessly, before she notices what is happening, it is already done, her body succumbing to my every whim, allowing me to take the wheel.

Leading her slowly down the path of excruciating pleasure, reading her body like a map, her sighs the soundtrack to my road trip through the marvel that is her body.

I take in every sight, each it's own wonder of my world, and take the time to figure out what unlocks its secrets. And I find them, within the deepest parts of her. Trembling beneath the surface waiting to be seen and heard.

We go back and forth incessantly, in this confined space that we utilize every inch of without ever missing a beat.

The rhythm of our bodies inherently synchronized, intoxicated on the taste and scent of each other, we move seamlessly with the other, in the most elaborate dance, until we feel the satisfaction of our chemical reaction and witness the explosion.

Basking in the glow of the embers, we unwind and attempt to breathe only to realize we've exhausted the supply of oxygen in this utopia we've built in our own stolen corner of the world.

Glass box mirror,
she's primping and prepping,
neon lights in a smoky bar,
alluring and unrelenting,
swaying and swarming she is on the hunt, praying she isn't the one being preyed on.

I visit my shadows frequently, dipping in and out, through curiosity and in fear, I see myself, drowning in the darkness and I grasp for the lightest parts that I know exist to pull myself out.

It's a wondrous feeling, the ability to walk along the edge, to know what it means to live in both worlds and pretend you have the option to choose in any moment which side the coin is going to land on.

Who am I today? And how long will this last? What triggers the change or am I the trigger, My mind the gun?

Firing off thoughts so rapidly, the shield of my logic has no chance of standing in the way of my reactions. I am blinded by the flash of the sudden explosion and temporarily stunned.

Being the person that tries to "keep it all together" is a cause for major shrapnel when it all blows apart.

I thrived on beginnings,
Once upon a time... the fairytale romances.
The secrets that lie within the whispers of the woods.

Lost endings, the souls left behind.

We forged worlds beyond words,
within the boundaries of our minds.
We built walls to protect us,
against the odds of invasion by any force.
Any force other than ourselves that is...

I went from a lover to a liar in a heartbeat;
the flip of a switch as soon as I heard I could get what I'd been craving.

The jolt of electricity through your bloodstream, the feeling of being alive with your senses on fire, the ability to seem untouchable: superhero like even...

Almost nothing compares in that moment, but in the afterglow, when your cape begins to lose its wind and your heart starts to slow, nothing feels worse than pondering it's destined finale.

Discovering your conscience, all the while knowing that no matter how much you love someone, the poison always comes first.

It's a terrible reality, the ability to choose.

And I always choose wrong, down the path of the chemical adventure, knowing that at the end, I always inevitably fall off the cliff.

But it's an obsession: being on top of the world, and no matter how much time passes, or how far I think I've come, she always wins.

It's the slow onset, the clarity, the peaks where everything seems far better than it actually is, but now the dream is over.

I need to let it go or it will consume me; living in a false reality, locked in to my need for perfection.

She used to calm me and make me godlike, but now I've fallen from my pedestal and upon looking up, I see she turns me into the monster I've never wanted to be...

Hiding, in shame, from the soul I love the most. I wish I could tell her, divulge all of my secrets, but the fear of the disappointment on her face is too much for me to bare.

Because I know she could help me,
if I would just tell her the truth.

She is the reason the earth is shaken,
The sudden change in course that caused the ground to break beneath me.

As I began to plummet, I gave no thought to what would happen next, I reveled in air against my face and the blur of the world around me.

A few simple paragraphs turned into endless conversation, and before I noticed I was reeling with every word she said.

Awestruck.

She knew me without trying
A reflection of all the deepest parts of me
The pieces I would hide
The little white lies
Turned into a whitewashed version of myself.
The fear that muted me.

But not this time...

The words overflowed from me, as my soul erupted into a stream of consciousness to which I was formerly unaware.

A pause, for just a moment, a breath, to take it all in.

Waiting for the signal that it was all just a dream.

Instead, a realization that she genuinely embraced even  the rawest essence of my being.

And for the first time in my life, since I discovered what it was to love, I felt like there really was a big picture.

That this sharp incline filled with unending obstacles was simply preparing me for the peak of my own personal Everest.

Such great heights, it was unimaginable, so I didn't see the signs as she approached, or perhaps it was meant to be a whirlwind of wonder.

The payoff for the twisted path.

To have something of such magnitude be acquired so effortlessly, all it took was time, I just needed to stop watching the clock.

Because miracles don't happen when you expect them, but instead, they occur once all hope is lost.

She is my miracle, my game changer, the one that turns it all around.

Better yet, my inspiration, to take control of the wheel and continue driving even in the most perilous of storms.  

For I know innately, with her at my side, anything is achievable, and therefore fear is insubstantial.