Stretch me out and count me like clouds
Say she is vapour
Venom, velvet and vermouth
With hair of hazelnut rapture
Clutch the moments, clutch the moonbeams
Clutch the stretched out skies of cloud and mustard gas sunset
Sing she is a child of trauma
Supressed in the name of breathing
Violence in the name of skin
And she is venom, velvet and vermouth
She was born to pink salt lakes in the low country
With ruby pomegranate eyes
And hair of hazelnut rapture
Girl with the soul of a thousand pilgrim journeys
Girl with the soul of a blackberry bush
Girl with the soul of olive trees and sheep meat and oven bread in the fire country
Human smiles
And other dark things of value
She lies like velvet
She lies in the name of supressing traumas
In the name of breathing
She bleeds like a billion stars bleed vapour
She is venom and vermouth
With hair of hazelnut rapture
She is the sum of a thousand pilgrim journeys
The prayer of holy rivers in the canyon country
The smoke of incense burned by sages
The scars of bodies burned by crusaders in mustard gas chambers
Goddess of Nuclear energies
Red-eyed like ruby pomegranates
Like the dewy cauldron of morning
When tenuous steps lead bodies down the path of executionary revolution
To boarders, frontiers, walls of white-skin scar tissue
Sing songs of Babylon in the free country
Clutch the moments
Clutch your breaths and hold them in broken palms
Clutch the tides and teach them
Breach your rib-cage, unstitch and return the borrowed bones
Melt the metaphoric thrones
Breathe backwards in the name of unsupressing traumas
In the name of truth
Stretch me out and count me like clouds
Girl of angel-breath ambition
Soul of blackberry bush and smile of splintered terracotta tile
Sing your songs
Say she is vapour

Like 5 or 6 ...was i ....doesn't matter
but little,a small one for sure
Sure of that not because i remember seeing myself in mirror
But everyone else was so huge
Their palms big enough to be afraid of
Most of the world was above us
To amaze or annoy us
Can only be reached by our little eyes
Transfixed a little more than now
Ogling , making sense and befitting it in our own world of limited understanding
But few things were there
Seemed Precisely sized up for us
As if Toyed down for me and
those friends-as big as me
Never had to look up above or below
Right in level casting our surprised eyes on each other smiling through the eyes first in approval and acceptance; that tacit truce
As if we've found refuge in each other
in that big world


They made order with us -chaos (filled minds) and confused, wondering mostly
What suddenly happened; what and why I m doing it and
How far (in distance and time) is the home.
My home.
The school became "My" school to in few days

All of us dressed same, loaded with our loaded bags
Fobbed off to school in the morning
In a different world.  Our world
With more of us there
Used to stand in same row at the morning
Prayer/assembly,
height wise.....was it ?
Pushing on toes to peek over each others over those glistening oiled and then combed hairs
stacked primly to stay there for some time

Puffy reddening cheeks due to .... always smiling ....was it ?
A little henkey in left pocket always,
seldom used though
Dressed immaculately in halves
Those action shoes......was it ?
Singing prayer in unison
Eyes closed but stealing glances
Opening an eye,tilting head
And enjoying the moment secretively
Glorifying in the maneaouvre just accomplished
Sometimes yawning and snapping it back to that plumbed, more ***** posture
Thinking that too went unnoticed...Did it?
Standing through all that rut daily
That "aaj ka vichar"(today's quote)twice
A poem also ..... was it?
Finally the "jan gana mana"( national anthem)
Pressing the fists hard sidewards
pulling them down
***** and loud
In oblivion,in spirit
Head shaking in rhythm unknowingly
At every other syllable
And yeah
At last but not the least
That "bharat mata ki jai"(hail India slogan)
Loud and from heart
As if waiting for it all the time
Thrice.....was it ?
Racing to the classroom
in an unannounced competition
and extol the victors briefly.
Legs hanging from those little chairs ....
No, benches ......was it ?
Few already waiting for the teacher
Looking through the wall outside the door
Quietly
Few making the most of it
Sharing some secret laugh,loudly at the end
Showing some prized possession acquired yesterday
Rejoicing the
Silent faces in awe of that thing.
That thing ....seasonal it used to be
tattoo stacks,card stacks -wwf and cricket too
Or a geometry box....was it ?
Nodding approvingly and decidedly to that thing with conviction promising self to get something better if more of that thing only.
Not on their seats
Relying on that good samaritan
Positioned perfectly in front row
to detect the incoming teacher and a loud shussshhhhh......was it ?
Rushing to ones seat
In sonic speeds before teacher enters
Hopping and throwing oneself - thuds!!
That momentary Commotion before the muteness
Head held high,supressing a giggle
Proud of the last act
And together saying...
No, almost singing

Goooooood morningggggggg maeeammmmm
Or sir.....was it ???

How many people saw an apple drop before Newton?
And probably named it something else...
Like "blaaaah"?
Who came up with the idea of wishing upon a shooting star?
Another man
Another scar
Forever visible, on the skin of an independant thinker?
Man made idieologies, either complimenting
Or supressing personalities
Do not let education ruin your originality
Do not
Be ****** into mob psychology
Like dogs
Pick that which is beneficial to you
To the rest
Yes, be skeptic
Not everything they teach is true
An education is one of the most important things a man can do
I mean 'can get'
See? Right there? I messed with you
And turned a fact into a much more ineresting read
I owe that to being educated
Also to the fact that I think out of the box
These words, I don't 'write'
I 'feel', I 'bleed'
Education is overrated, and at the same time underappreciated
Makes no sense?
Indeed
It's not supposed to
I'm just saying that I'm not opposed to
The idea of learning something new
As long as it is something you want to do
Or something beneficial to you
At the same time, not everything they tell you is true
Self education is more of what I do
These days
Change these ways, the system put in place
Stay intelligent
Mind's independantly placed
Knowledge, creativity, confidence... straight face
I call it 'streetelligent'.

it's nice to know it's not for naught
there's value in what can't be bought
where my plans convene with thought
i invest different kind of plot

honeycomb are to the bees
as madness is to mysteries
and are polite priorities
nectar of insecurities?

the recounted sheep are bleating/(bleeding)
cry of wolf to deaf misleading
as i bray again repeating
every note so self-defeating

thrown about the limbs of trees
chaos with-in-discrepancies
that which we melt just to freeze
wring tangles such as these

my journey is while they sleep
shepherdess lost counted sheep
the edge, again, to fall or leap
for flight first failure grade so steep

My white whale wild in the seas
This ship no sail, nor north agrees
Ever-spurning taste of tease
I am ahabs intricacies

to illusion am i ******
eternally roaming the land
through burning thirst for empathy
-i'm plagued with insecurity

in an old biblical story
mortal glimpsed our father's glory
From that instant's blinding light
was driven mad took his own sight

if i could measure and define
truth and where it draws the line
which cliff faces only mine
encases truly, i am fine

chronic illness violently
supressing luminocity
onlookers hang silently
as ash consume ferocity

speed builds on tracks in my train
I know this is too fast, again
upon myself, 'you dare complain,
without reference to real pain?'
all avert their eyes, refrain
saying nothing is my bane
am i alone and insane?
this focus that i can't explain?
creating reason for my pain
purpose for and by diseased brain

Nobody ever wrote a guidebook for me to read
I'm the blue in the red world 
They hate what they don't understand
They criticize what they don't understand 
Give me a cue, doctor blue
The reds seem like a supressing fed

There's an aching in my bones for where that feeling they call home used to be but now it's only in my dreams.
My emotions keeps grinding away at my soul, telling me where to go and who to be.
But that's not me and this dream isn't my reality.
As far fetched as my hopes may seem to be, to me they are the reality supressing these nightmares that everyone else calls dreams.

Keep hoping for a new tomorrow to change my ways, but the days drag on, always the same.
Not knowing where the truth lies, disguised as a ride that takes you high enough to never feel it when the lie dies.
Staring pain in the face, wasting days swept under a carpet of disgrace, eyes staring back screaming with disdain.
Forgetting myself more with every breath, failing every test and silently waiting for death.

Wringing my hands,
As I walk down the hall,
Supressing the nausea,
My nails dig deep,
Through my soft wrists,
As I reach his door,
I hold my breath,
My heart pounds dangerously,
When I see him,
Surrounded by crisp white pillows,
And blue sheets,
He looks dead,
My mind screams,
I long to rip down the walls,
He murmurs,
Indeciferable words,
His voice rusty and unused,
I'm so scared,
Almost too scared to embrace him,
I think he might break,
The adults mummble,
Attempting to conceal,
The devestating topic of conversation,
Plans, decisions,
So many to be made,
I stifle the urge to cry,
We are all so empty,
And he is dying

In the midst of jolly red
I alone stood bit distant,
Aloof, and somewhat lonely

Merry is just an arms reach
Yet that gap felt like light-years
Among the crowd, I'm not one

I chose to let the cold seep
It built me my apathy
Supressing both joy and tears

But what sealed can be unsealed,
A hint of warm, long lost love
And I'll wish for stars collide.

Phantom thoughts slip through my mind, Like silken wraiths they writhe
Mercurial to intervene, tangentially to scythe,
What may be now is thought to not, if indeed, perhaps
The radically converse occurs to cause abrupt relapse.
Convolutions open up to percolate abreast
Rendering confusions to confusion, I attest
…And in dampening creativity, thus supressing all I love,
I’ve determined to forgo the **** & blithely pray to He above!

M.
1 June 2017

It feels like a battle,
Me and my mind,
I don’t want to be the kind to run and hide,
I hear myself quick to judge,
Not only myself but others

I want to be kind and strong,
Adapt to society,
Be comfortable in the skin I walk in,
Protest for my rights and equality,
Raise my fist,
Stand up for what I believe in,
Without being afraid anymore

Instead I look at myself in the eye,
Wonder why I am so flawed.
I failed to see the wild flower inside,
Full of ambition and desire,

Walking around holding my breath,
Repressing my natural feelings,
Supressing the layers of my ego,
Unwilling to follow my intuition,
Repetition of the same issues,
Waiting to be consoled,

I want to wake up.
Accept my place on this earth,
Thrive within my creativity,
Be a decent human being
Share my vulnerability,
Reflecting on my mentality,
Working through my past tragedy’s,
Reclaim my identity,
Get rid of the toxicity,

Recognize my flaws,
Break down these walls,
Reach out for communication

There is a hollow feeling within us
supressing the voice to identify us
Never has that kept us in loneliness
But had established a sense of emptiness.
Is that the sound of silence within us,
the emotions of our past reminisce?
Or is it the fear to face the future of us,
with the lack of confidence in us?
Whatever be the silence in us, let the hope in us,
Ever kindle the silence with the sound of endurance.

- Aishwarya Sridhar

A quiet yawn, and a soft pop of bones coming into place could be heard from the bedroom as one of its owners slowly rose from her short slumber. She wasn't meant to be awake until the afternoon, but it was a bit difficult for her to break the habit of waking early.

Looking off to the side, a small smile quickly made its way to her lips as she saw that her partner was still fast asleep. Supressing the urge to snap a quick picture, she slowly made her way out of the bed, making sure to leave a pillow on her spot just in case her lover decided to cuddle in his sleep a bit.

He always did love holding her close--regardless of whether or not he was awake--and she loved letting him do it.

Using the back of her hand to gently rub the sleep away from her still blurry eyes, she made a quick trip to the bathroom. Being in just her underwear wasn't exactly going to be enough protection from the chilly morning air, but she was a bit too lazy and sluggish to fetch proper clothing.

She was hoping that she could use it as an excuse for him to warm her up with plenty of hugs later on when he wakes up.

Once that was all said and done, she immediately went to the kitchen. Admittedly, she was never really all that good in cooking, but it wouldn't hurt to try and make an effort for her sleeping beauty. Making sure to grab her striped apron, she got to work on their breakfast.

Going back to the bedroom, her lover had just woken up as well. With a soft groan, and a displeased frown on his lips, he looked towards his side.

She was gone.

It was no wonder that he had suddenly woken up from his dreamless sleep.

Still, once hearing the faint echo of pans, and footsteps from their kitchen, his frown immediately disappeared. With a content sigh, he went to the bathroom to freshen up a bit, before immediately going to the kitchen.

He leaned against the side of the entryway and watched as she hummed and seemingly skipped around the kitchen. He was never much of a morning person, but he did love to watch her cook, and that was enough to keep his usual grumpiness at bay. It was amusing how happy she was while cooking, and at the same time, he couldn't help but feel incredibly grateful that she had decided to completely give herself to him.

He considered himself to be a lucky man.

Even if he might not realize it, she undoubttedly felt the same way about him.

With a chuckle, he quietly made his way to her. Placing both of his hands on either side of her, he had successfully trapped her between him and the kitchen counter. Feeling her body jump a bit in surprise, he didn't hesitate to lean down and press a soft kiss to her exposed neck. It had always amused him how small she was compared to him.

Their size difference had been one of her many insecurities, but admittedly, he actually liked it--especially whenever they idly cuddle while watching movies, or even doing nothing.

"Good morning~" her voice was soft and sweet with hints of sleepiness still mixed in.

"G'morning." He continued to press kisses to her neck, making sure to pay extra attention to the still-visible hickeys from last night. She was a bit rigid at first, but slowly, her body relaxed, and she allowed herself to lean against him. She tilted her head to the side, giving him much better access to her sensitive neck.

"What, no morning kisses?" She teased and decided to stop what she was currently doing. He was being too much of a welcomed distraction, and she didn't want any accidents to happen because of it.

No sooner, he gently grabbed her chin to tilt her head to face him, and pressed a kiss to her still-parted lips.
The kiss was short, and sweet, but it didn't really seem to be enough for the both of them.

"One more?"
He didn't need to be told twice. In fact, he would be happy to repeat it multiple times for her. True to what he thought, he did it again, and again, and again--with each one being more intense than the last.

The only reason he stopped was when he noticed that her chest heaved, and that they were both out of breath. Still, he would be lying if he said that he didn't want more.

It didn't exactly take long for him to ask, "Would it be alright if we skipped to dessert first, love?"

Trapped in her dazed state, all she could do in response was nod.

Right now I'm sitting in my bed.
A dark room, limited living space.
Four walls close and around me
Supressing my freedom
Shackling me..
The only light is from my phone..
Reflecting..
The light from my phone
shines on my chin
Thinking back, telling myself
my own story
Like telling nightmares by a campfire
Except I'm in my bed
and I'm supposed to feel safe
Yet in my bed..
I have felt fear, sadness,
anger, dissapointment...
regret..
Never felt so alone
that night after you left
Death keeping me company
constantly reminding me
of the fragility of life
feeding on the void inside me
Rejoicing the absence of light....
My heart weighs heavy
so **** heavy...
My heart beats slower
pumping tears through my body
Sad in my entirety...
A cold shiver runs across my back
goosebumps...
Death's consoling me..
I close my eyes
and can't see my daughter's face...
Ofcourse, it's too dark..

Succumb to a place of light
Because the dark is comfortable,
Safe even,
The familiar feeling of lingering regret and failure
the wobbly walk of the night, supressing tears in self induced despair
Promises to others are more easily upheld than promises to yourself
Self sacrifice is a sad character.
Running away from those feelings of conflict is cowardice.
Running your mouth about loyalty now?
You lie, betray and manipulate on a daily basis.
You lie to your God, the one being truly capable
of changing your loyalty, the path you're bound to..
is you, sinner.
so..
Succumb to light

The melody that earphone sings,
momentarily interrupts me
from the surging flow of busy life -

It releases me from
the supressing weight of burden,
softly whispers and convinces me
to become part of the wave than to chase it.

The dancing tides of a spirit
resemble
the dance of a child.

Today, Tomorrow and on
I am looking forward to become
a part of the voice.

my hands are confined in a loose bracelet like tape, supressing my hands and my feet together
my mind is in it's own finger trap, each cord struggling to get out
The only person that turned the keys was right here in front of me all along.

The mirror was stained with a dark blue shade, the shade of which you would put into the light to see it was navy dark blue or just plain black.

All I ever wanted was to be held, to have someone wipe away my tears and say that it is all okay.

Except I already had that. I held myself back from being able to as much as look at myself in the mirror without shattering myself, I wiped away my own tears before I walked out of my room for the first time since I got home from school hours ago, I say it is okay everyday when he says sorry for the millionth time.

The mirror isn't a mirror anymore, it's just a window into hell.

Everything feels murky and confusing
for so long the feelings about my jewishness
about my longing for this land
and for jewish traditons
holidays and shabbat
has always been lurking in the back of my soul
reminding me
every week
It hurts me I miss it so much
even though there is lots of trauma  involved
in many ways
these were the things that made my childhood
a little bit better
singing  together
all the jewish melodies
eating yummy food
feeling united
having peace in my soul and my heart
lighting Shabbat candles
it was the highlight of my week
hanging with friends
having real conversations
without being with my phone
without feeling distracted and connected all the time
I met you and you have triggered these deep feelings within me
the reminders
of the things I miss so so deeply
for you are traditional
and believe in love
and wow is that different
than how I was raised
maybe the world
and my self isn't black or white
I am tried of supressing myself
even during my kambo ceremony
this came up
and all I could do was sit there and cry my eyes out
about how much I miss shabbat and my jewishness
I hid it all behind my hate
maybe our hate teaches us
what we truly love
but are afraid to admit
to our deepest selves.

Today in school, I learned a lot about supressing how I feel.
Don't cry, chin up, smile, or else teachers will start to be worried.
I even learned how to force a smile!!
Oh, mother, I am so glad that I learned this skill...
If one more person asked how I was, I would probably start to be angry,
But now I've learned how to pretend like I really am alright!
People will no longer care,
No one else will notice.
Today in school, I figured out how to pretend to be okay.