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always anxious Dec 2018
I breathe in until I feel like my lungs might explode. I tighten my neck muscels and before I can think - My entire body is tense.

I'm trying to supress it. It has ruined so much but I will not let it ruin another moment...
I grind my teeth trying to supress it further, not realizing that grinding my teeth ... was a tic too.

Letting my mind slip for a second; I come to find that I have failed - once again
I flick my head, blink my eyes violently - turning the day into a stop motion movie - Once again I already know the plot.

Everything is moving in slowmotion around me - my body moving too fast to hold it in I fail - once again my body is dancing to a beat that is not mine.

I feel the pain in my neck. It is sore from giving into the neverending urge - once again it is strained from constant twitching and has been for god knows how long.

I try to ignore the pain and focus on supressing what's coming next, but being distracted by the pain I fail - once again I flick my head and exhale as fast as humanly possible. The exhale doesn't come alone - it never does. A pallette of sounds escape my mouth.

It was not me making those sounds, but the lungs affected by the pain are mine.
I feel the cycle starting over - once again.

It goes through me like a wave of energy.
I have been robbed of the control over my own body - once again.
The power to fight back has ... vanished.

I go to bed early but sleep late; battling this force with every shard of energy I could possibly have left - Once again leaving me exhausted enough to finally sleep, despite the constant twitching.

They say it's a chemical imbalance in my brain.
Too much dopamine is released.
As far as I'm concerned dopamine is a "Feel good hormone", so why does it make me so miserable?

I lay here thinking about when this cycle will end?
And when it finally does end, when will it restart? - Once again...
I suffer from tourettes syndrome. This poem is written about how it feels to have a tic attack
- an unknown length of time filled with constant tics. It can last anywhere from 2 minutes to 24 hours.
Nathan Tuy Jun 2018
Another word gets lost in my throat,
Ravaged by the blindness
That my heart conjured up.
All I can hear is the devil
Whispering into my ear,
Saying “just one more” amidst the white noise of a room of a hundred people.
Every letter starts dissolving
Into my coffee,
Slowly drifting away into the meaningless impulse.
My lungs are congested,
Carrying all the lust I smoked.
There’s a black plastic bag around my head,
Defying all the rules of the universe,
Making sure that I see nothing
But numbers and words and
Whatever you call that is.
Whatever you call that is.
Whatever you call that is.
Elizabeth May 2018
Standing, walking, skipping, hopping
Seeing, smelling, tasting, talking
No matter what, I always tic
People look, they hear me sniff.

They see me make faces
They see me count paces
And most do not know
The reason for the show.
The reason for this, is that I have a disorder
Cuz’ the wires in my head are all out of order.

It's not like I like it
It's a thorn in my side
A never ending burden
An ever shifting tide.

I'm telling you this
Because it's nothing to hide
And nothing to laugh at
Or mock or deride.
Wicked Mar 2018
I twitch
I shout
Without thinking
I move
I make noise

I don’t have any control

I ****
I yelp
Without thinking
I flick
I whimper

I never had control

I jump
I yell
Without thinking
I twist
I scream

I’ll never have control
Wicked Mar 2018
When things are always going wrong
you start to lose faith.
My faith in God is waning.
A God who loves his people,
wants them to live,
to be happy,
a loving God,
would let so many horrific things happen.
He let my heart be shattered.
He made me autistic.
He made me with Tourette’s.
He let my parents fall out of love.
He took my best friend.
I’ve lost faith in the god of deathless death,
pain, loss, and oppression.
Joshua Brown Mar 2018
There is a spectrum I am now part of
That I do not fully understand
An authority on the whole thing
Rubber stamped it, and ****!
Now I'm on the spectrum

There is a spectrum I am wanting to be
That I wish to God I could stay in
The place where creativity and high intelligence
Meet and mesh and produce with no end

But the spectrum is long and slow at the end
And high and fast at the beginning
And I am merely stuck somewhere in the middle
Always wondering and panicking about where
Wicked Mar 2018
I wake up
        head ****
        shoulder roll
        tongue click
I get ready for school
        head ****
        head ****
I get on the bus
I put on my headphones
        arm ****
People stare
I suppress
        They build
The minutes drag on
        Like an itch they can’t be ignored
The bus can’t go fast enough
        They’re pushing up
We arrive at school
        They’re going to escape
I run off the bus
        They begin to explode
        head ****
        arm ****
I distance myself from the students
        arm ****
        head ****
        head ****
        tongue click
        tongue click
They stare
        shoulder roll
        arm ****
        shoulder roll
Everyday I tic and twitch
A homage to my everyday struggles living with Tourettes Syndrome. Tourettes is a chronic condition where you have involuntary movements and make involuntary noises.
SassyJ May 2016
You are ******* amazing! Great to hear from you so soon! Even better to grasp a part of your humanly self. It’s ******* amazing! It makes me feel like a ******* human! All ****** up in this existence!

Of relationships
I sail in an electric and magical connection one that never radiates. The dreams we had are not impossible.... not plausible. Let me draw the graph for you. The pie charts aced in cycles….. an assortement on the menu. Yet with you, there is a need to sit on your wing and soar above the skies a high. A part of me wished and wished. I feel this place with you is not only a mind **** but a **** ****.  On humanly reality lets jump on the coyote and feel the essence and touch the dreams. Welcome to the memoirs of  my voidness and shitness.

Relationships **** with a responsibility and expectations we lay on another human being. Yet, I smell your scent and forget to sneeze.I drawn to you as a bee is to a pollen. You are wow, a soul that wakes the goddess. I am truly hooked to this journey you traced.... **** ME!

Of Consumption
Your consumption makes you look like a narcissist. That elongated padlock you hang on the door.What in the world makes you think that I can’t understand you? Yet when one meet another like one, life changes dramatically. A heightened feeling of belonging. I lay enchanted by the ecstatic energy that is  over and ever-rising ..... am I ****** up or what? I shine your light, our light.Are you an angel or just a sheep with the devil's eye?The universe happenings HUH!

Of you
Cry the ******* tears and never stop being you. You are you. There is no need of sugar coating or hiding your existence, your uniqueness. Masking your concrete and your vulnerabilities.Roll your **** and I will get soaked in mine, keep the sinking quarry to yourself. Root oneself as the ******* string evokes.

Of Pain... *******!
No one ever planned for the hurt..... it's **** and it's life. **** the ache…… embrace the joy of the universe. Life in it's intricacies is a mystery. Then I am like ****…. Society tells us that one needs to be owned but I reject that notion…. Totally. Thanks for the openness! The warmest escape and embrace by a stranger. Somedays my logic ticks and ticks, then the doubt preys. I question the stream of differences. We creep as we fill the lines..... love and transmute!

...So Long....
What am I doing here acting like a baby who needs ***** changing….. **** this typing Tourette’s.  ****! The warrior hearts will fight through. The love they found, the visions stormed, the wall and obstacles we face. Keep shining the light as if a heaven guardian. The love is in the patterns, the dreams.... Be sure that this love will be hidden in a sacred place! Get a grip because I will always ******* love you...... *******!

Just fly and *******,
Gabriel Raines Nov 2014
Beat back the urge

Beat it back to the Stone Age
You nerd!

I got a motor mouth
A mile a minute
It's a song and dance
But I'm not in it

Bite your lip

Fool yourself into thinkin'
You've beat it

I got a tigger finger
No gun to pull
A fragile headstock
Lost my cool

I'm tic tock tic tock tic tock tickin away
I'll blast off like a rocket into outer space
You can keep it down for a little while
But soon enough you'll be forced to smile

Keep your cool

Keep it locked up tight
One rule

I got a worn out shirt
It Never fits right
I shift my shoulders
Under the lights

Yourself do better

Make it all go away
It's the weather

I'm a bit twitchy Don't touch me
I need you to love me
You're so far above and I'm so far below
I'm losing control and it's just not enough
My nerves are aching to just get rough
I'm worried what happens if I'm in freeze
I get up the itch and I need a release
There's so much to manage to do and to say
My mouth is just in the way

I'm tic tock tic tock tic tock tickin away
I'll blast off like a rocket into outer space
You can keep it down for a little while
But soon enough you'll be forced to smile
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