Let me tell you who I am
I'm an American Born girl
Proud to be here
I wouldn't want to live anywhere else
I've enjoyed my freedom...still do, and you?

Used to love running through the Barns and playing in the hay
I wear a dog-eared well worn baseball cap
most days
Some kind of faded ol' denim jeans and a fun
t-shirt...
and if it isn't ***** I might even wear it to bed...
I use homemade oatmeal and lavender soap, a little pink shiny lipgloss, maybe espresso mascara...dark red chipped painted toenails in flip-flops or work boots
hair in hat...keys in hand
all kinds of weather, I'm prepared

Yes I've hunted for deer!
Skinned and gutted one for a high school paper...
quite a caper..

I can change my own oil  
or a dang flat tire
break into my Volvo with a piece of wire?
Did I say that?!
And...I can drive just about anything
including...so true,  backing up a trailer into a boat launch

Oh ..my redneck side?
Come on let's go for a ride...
I've ridden on four-wheelers and snowmobiles
out in the glorious midnight
freezing breath is close to heaven on those mountains

Spent summers at the camp
on the lake
Swimmin'
cookin'
swingin'  and singin'
off from the the bank
crystal clear blue waters run deep
flyin' from a rope
holdin' on to serious hope
not to be pushin' daises
we were a bunch of crazies !

Raisin' kids...
Some people think I'm a hippie chick
and that's true too
I eat mostly organic food
I love to cook my hopes and wishes
in amazing dishes...
and sharing that with good people

I like interior design
I drink a bit of wine
And I LOVE dessert...
We are just like a
Strawberry & Blueberry Shortcake
Fresh fluffy white whipped cream
and berries
Homemade biscuits...
like a flag waving

I love road trips...
    getting high
... watching the world go by....
it's so wonderful I could cry
and I went so fast on that crotch-rocket
of a motorcycle
I thought I could even fly!

Why I love every kind of music
hard to stop me from dancing
and prancing through life
singing...poetic songs.

I am probably one of the most genuine
and honest people you'll ever know
come along I'll show you...
I hope to be like the Salt of the Earth
like my Father...
He valued this place
and I have some of his face

It's not that I can't avert the truth...
I can
I'm just not capable of lying...
not being truly dishonest
I mean if you ask me something
straight out ...
look me right in my eyes
I would have to tell you honestly
that I feel this overwhelming love for everyone and everything...

You know that it troubles me
going to a landfill and seeing all the waste
left in carless choices and hurried haste
hello, the Ice Caps people!!!
Those poor Polar Bears...

I swear...
I've resorted to trash collecting
in my town
All that is going to be buried in the Earth!!!
What the heck was it even worth?
I recycle or compost almost
everything!

Well it makes me sick...
time is ticking....
now is definitely the time

People are dying....
why am I crying?
...over my broken heart?
No, I can't
because the more horrible events
and floods of  information I see
word *****
on the internet or the news
different views
as NPR is bleeding through the radio
about how bad this world has become ....

And so many people with it so much worse...
So...I have this curse anyway,
wanting change...
trying to create it,
just makes me wish
I could go somewhere else...
run away?
no.... I stay

I fight
do what is right
this is my land, your land...OUR land
take a frickin' stand
to fix this country!

We need real effort...
a movement
and I would like to do anything
to make it spread...
before I'm dead...
so...
what can I do? And you?

Some people say you can move mountains...help please?
The people like me...you see
they always say I'm a beautiful mess
those Sensitive Souls
we get wounded really easy
and I get kind of queasy
though I've learned to have a thick skin,
every time they take me down
I come back around again
it is still harder for me to come back up
time is always short...

My face is bearing more freckles
these days
and the suns rays see my hands
a bit more weathered
though I'm still tethered to you
I still feel young...
have to tap into that,
Put on my baseball cap
n-play...
carryin' a big stick walking softly

So my body does not feel old...
even when it is...very cold
I fight for my kids, and your family too
I look to the blue
the sky
tenderly asking why?
I can see the heavens
They are consoling my heart
I've been to the very...
very bottom
And I always got a new start
don't give up...
we still have work to do...
yes me ...
and you too

Hey, I still believe in fairy tales
and miracles
In shooting stars
healing scars
The butterflies in your stomach
on that very first kiss...
sent out on a wish

I still believe in love
and angels from above....
I have Faith
This world...the Earth can heal
I feel my heart,
well it will heal right too
I can feel
it ...so can't you?
Tell me then ...what I can do?

Don't know how many times
a heart can break
 but I will help you heal
so....do we got a deal?
cause this thing,  well it's for real

...just take my hand..
maybe if we plan
to take a stand
say our demands?
as one...they'll listen?

 We can do it together
regardless of the weather
jump in your truck
and my beliefs might be
different than yours
I might be much farther to the left
than you are
we all want the same things
to be happy and free
To be
Whoever we are
I'm still waiting for all these answers
and I hope I will still find my soul's mate too...tell me? What else can I do?

Overpowering urges self destruction
numbness c ra cks and reseals
deep
    trenches
cut out
in the shape of your name

The feeling's queasy
somersault through my
twisted veins
blind rage encapsulated by a sad
blackened
frame

Bruises and scars fade
but the        coursing
pain will
forever    remain
a dark
heavy trotting
reign

Horse hooves crater my heart
collision beat
of a marching bands feet

my heart
my heart

is screaming in the dark
the shadow slightly falls

my heart
my heart

Inject your unknowing poison
I feel the sting
as it rips fire to my insides
your hands leave chemical burns
as you squeeze my lungs

I fall to my knees
weakness writhes in numb defeat
pull the tide
hold it in my hands
sending it crashing
to wash over you again

That's when I first tasted the burn of this world
the bitter taster of disappointment
the stabbing of my heart
the waterfalls of sorrow

My eyes have died
their light no longer lives
I shrivel and crumble
with a slow
dull
ache

I do not scream out
destroy my sand castles
burn my bridges
knock my buildings down

dynamite love
dynamite love

I wander with a brain blown to bits
I scavenge every
scrap
          of m u t ilated so-called-love
I am dynamite
          you are matches
all that stood between us
was a wick of string
          and time.

They stare, she smiles,
they grin, she observes.
They pity, she's queasy,
they brood, she walks away--
life as a lady with a crutch.

I smile, they hail,
I step out, they celebrate,
I emit knowledge, they are wowed;
I struggle to fit in, they support.

I try to be unique just as I am, but the struggle within, no one seem to care;
life as a man, a physically challenged survivor.

They celebrate our strength, but our weakness imprisons us,
they profess their love, a love that soon fades away;
they show their care, but we just want to be hale.

They assure us of a bright future-- a future they would never dare to feature in.

They speak, they wish, they support, but we always want more because our defects make us different.

these sleepless nights seem like an endless fight
its now at leastly bi-weekly
wonder what i'm not quite doing right
its always a little freaky when
morning light creeps up beneath me
all day long, i've been feeling pretty sleepy
but now that i'm in bed, dreams just don't wanna reach me
maybe for the life i've led, life just wants to teach me
spend more time alone in my head, cause life ain't easy
looking to my past, start feeling a little queasy
took a bottle full of pills made to make me sleepy
blacked out, acted like a zombie for a week see
the time i can't remember never seems to leave me
four am on the clock like its just trying to tease me
but life will move on, thats all i need to ease me
cause no matter what the time, its never gonna leave me

This one is for my pretty girls
For the girls who count calories
And tell their friends they aren’t hungry
So they can see their pretty bones
This one is for my pretty girls
The girls who sit shaking on their bathroom floors
With pain in their hearts and knifes in their hands
So they paint pretty marks on themselves
This one is for my pretty girls
Those who were born boys
And get slammed into lockers and yelled slurs at
Yet still try their hardest to be
One of the pretty girls they’re meant to be
This one is for my pretty girls
The ones who always looks uncomfortable in class
Sitting by the man who makes them queasy
So they don’t make a pretty fuss
This one is for my pretty girls
Who sneak out to pride parades
And ignore the word *** tattooed into their binders
So they could love other pretty girls
This one is for my pretty girls
Whose arms flinch when grabbed
And bodies shudder when voices raise
So they can be daddy’s pretty girl
This one is for my pretty girls
Who don’t talk about after parties
And don’t tell their friends or parents
So they aren’t called pretty little *****
This one is for my pretty girls
The ones who tempt fate and take pills
Take jokes about hating themselves too far
So they can try and get their pretty sleep
This one is for my pretty girls
The ones who cry out when they need help
But no one answers because no one hears them
And they can’t speak
And they can’t breathe
And there’s tears rolling down their cheeks
But they do nothing
This one is for my broken girls
My girls like me
This one is for my strong girls
My girls that haven’t given up
This one is for the pretty girls
My beautiful, beautiful girls

Morning. Diffuse light
through frost painted panes
xylophone alarm quantifies reticent consciousness

warm sheets a Siren Song
or ****** Lotus beckoning
to stay in comfort and familiarity

crawling to a vertical orientation
jerking into up-right ambulation
the still tepid bed implores you to stay

Dredging subconscious anxieties
nebulous worries swirl; full blown gale
Lightning fears & thunderous uncertainty flash behind groggy eyes

Backhanded ocular rub
quells queasy qualms
life is ineffably uncertain

But there’s excitement in ambiguity
satisfaction in resolution
interest in intrigue

invariable inevitability
only begets; stagnation, complacency,
boredom & apathy  

Uncertainty is positive, perhaps
a necessity even  
but then again the bed is still warm

i love the way it feels to throw up,
all burning and hoarse throats and saliva and stench;
an ephemeral reminder that you have insides and that they work.

and trust me, when you tell someone you have to puke
they get out of your ******* way

and your body
will do it's best
to get all the bad out
because no matter how hard you try it just keeps finding its way in
when your voice isn't loud enough and words like no
or stop
or please
start feeling like using an umbrella made of newspaper in a thunderstorm.

wastebaskets full of bile and half-digested bits of whatever you had for breakfast
are your nauseous little body's final declaration of
yeah,
**what is happening to me is definitely not ******* okay

sometimes it seems too easy
slurping into a man who pleases me
makes me feel queasy
but all he does is tease me

Haberdashery hauberk harbinger harangue equilibrist, harpy harsh hast severities.
Inane inert inertia innate, juxtaposition maenad ethos affinities.
Putrid quasi queasy pathos, emanate imminent perdition acerbities.

Agnate aggregate anathema android amalgamated, predication contract.
Glutton paradoxical dichotomy greaves, gauntlets gamut catalyst abstracts.
Ambidextrous amatory prelude amaze, analeptic adrenergic analgesia analytics extract.  Annex annul.  

Clairaudience clairvoyant omnipresence presage, omnipotent omnificent omniscience.
Pantheism parapet paradigm intuition, prognosticating prosthesis prediction.
Prolific profuseness profundity prosaic, nimbus nimiety nitty gritty, intrados rubato.

Venerable divinatory deity deify veneration, delineate demagoguery ecstasy, agonist agog.
Dream gleam cream seam beam team, serene ravine green gene careen, obscene demean.
Empiricise the existentialisms in the demagoguery of godhead aspiration.
Corporeal anaclitic apex inveterate embezzlement extroversion, acuity alacrity extortion.
Extraneous extemporaneous, ominous phenomena portrayal spontaneous synchronous, aorist actuator.

Endergonic protensive integration extrapolation interpolations investiture elicits.
Scenario synopsis synthesis syncopation, harmony rhymes rhythm.
Synchronous transition transposition interlude, summerial derivation cognition.
                                                      ­­                                                                ­ ­              
Irk-ness ire aerie altruism allegorical, autonomous avarice oscillating ostracism.
Pandemonium obdurate temerity impunity, impending preponderance onus, numinous illuminism quintessential frolic.
Amorous ardent argent arduous enamor endear, plenary putschist volatile phatic.
Conveyor controvert deft mesmeric deification deist dissertation.
Drastic premise portent pervasive embellish, elusive enhance enchant, engender enthrall.
Perpetuation euphenic euthenics, exude emote concoct recalcitrance regalia, irrefragable preternatural ne plus ultra prurient.
Vernaculars opulent myriad, aesthetic stratagem venial vexatious, astral projection conjuring levity apothegms.

Incite epistemological illuminism, accoutrements umbrage ultraism incognito trajectory extant.
Scandalous scavenger squalid anomalous punitive, heuristic manumission exigency.
Ostensible proclivity prodigious querulous, rambunctious repertoire rigmarole scenic schism sooth.
Ascribe arsenal crucial critical, abhorrent abstinence blatancy berserk, alacritous celerity brogue.
Ceremonial chicanery dynamism fealty, indefatigable incontrovertible ingenuity ingratiate inimical impugn.
Innovate integrity intricate invective convolution, licentious metaphor convection obeisance.
Splurge-ness spry sporadic sprawl, spurious staunch succinct stymie tacit, irate tirade treatise vehement escapade tedium.

Probity irascibly veracious audacity mendacity gumption.
Paphian peccavi preternatural proclivity gesticulation articulation prestidigitation.
Fantastication fantasia fabulist façade, glimmer glisten translucent refulgence.
Subliminally subjunctive nostalgic allusion analogies eidetic’s mnemonics.
Metaphysical mystique’s evolutionally metamorphic futurity fatidic.
Adroit agile nimble tactile acuity prescience capacity intrigue.
Unadulteratedly fornicatious fabrications, portentous ethereal etiquette.
Nose agnate somatology morphology metamorphic, cognition epistemology pragmatics.
Ontological ontogeny causality exigence integumence equivocal.
Innocuous noumenal verity ***** affectation intentions.

Adumbrate intimate obfuscate preterite rendition intimidate.
Logistical tactician spatiotemporal terrestrial equestrian telemetries, physicality’s terrene traverse tellurian terrain.
Vaunt-ness verve’s lucidly illusive, intrepid yare’s predilection predication.
Apriori a posteriori apostrophe shards shroud, innately inert inherency interstitial endemics.                  

Irk-ness ire Zen, graffiti mantra mantis, diminutive minutia iotas inductive interpolation asperities.
Hypercritically mitigating dialectics hypotaxis.
Vituperatively vociferous eerie strident irrefragable orotund  sonorous felicities.
Diacritical diction dharma apomixis.
Chutzpah panache spontaneous generation complicity, gambit alluvium aloof succor.

Demarcate mirador bartizan panorama, stalwart bastion bulwark tableau, dexterous gargoyle disguise gimmick camouflage.
Decipher coercible coalesce corrupt costume counselor chameleon charlatan chaperone entourage.
Cryptic evocative emulation scenarios siren skeptic, cynical demonic gremlin greaves curtilage.
Zesty zingy zippy zeal zenithal azimuth elaborate elliptical empathy endeavor entity entice.

Clambering clamorous clangor strategic systematic propagate prolific, wield wile treatise expose’.
Aural auspice austerity  axiom conscribe, perplex beleaguer beggary, coax cacophony clout, concatenate chronology.
Erumpent erudition evident evil evert, extol fervor flinty florid, fructify impromptu innuendo juncture.
Kinetic supremacy temporize tractive fluent, precious precess predetermined predatory predicament, gyro gyre.
Horizon hornswoggle huckster, hokey hoot ornery honkies.

Horologist hackamore relative rationality.
Decorum dastardly dazzle deceit, demolish demur, annihilate denigrate.
Armature arcade doughty, panacea parallax serendipity servant serenade.
Personification of sartorial perfection, picturesque visage of spectral grace.
Cosmic enigma rational relativity.

Housebreak huckster squabble brash, hovel huff.
Ghastly gruesome grotesque grisly groaty gnarly grotto grouch compunction.
Caustic cavernous celibate catatonic phonics, apex crux axis matrix cortex cephalic.
Blasphemous farcical fugue-ness and estranged ensemble orchestration acoustics.
Rendition: various assorted forms of related stranger weirdness.
Conjugation coercion junction function, adjunct conjunction conjecture.
Concoct deontology ontogeny, ontological enclitic osteopathy.
Anticipate angary amentia, tiercel theocracy.
Phrenic sensorium sentiment paragon tangible.
Covert aspersion avidity, coherent avid avarice, allegory allocate amatory prelude annex annul.

Tantamount telepathy tantalize talisman talesman, prerogative presumptive judicature.
Subpoena parameter perimeter peripherals prophylaxis protocol.
Real deal seal, sail bail, bailiff rake-ness rail.
Yoni yore yare, leeward lecher leer lingam, menagerie melee hyperbolic milieu thesis, métier quintessential fulham.
Dangle wrangle mangle jangle tangle angle.
Hysterically delirious zany nertsy bonkers bluster boggle.
Gyrate, austere askance obliquely, aspire assail askew.

Cosmic origins metamorphosis implosion contractions revision, blond entropy catalyst.
Cataclysm catastrophe holocaust trauma, inefficacy ineffable expiate.
Chaos cognizant conceive dialectic dictates in extremis extremity meld nuance.
Cryptic cipher circuit citadel clairvoyant sequitur.
Cajole fictitious fiery finesse, invoke fulmination gouts clout, curtilage endeavor iterative itinerary.
Ersatz fiat fulcrum fulgurous indemnify indigenous infernal infidel iniquitous.
Electroacoustic ciphony  Electra complex lore, occipital ubiquity synch.
Psychosomatic psychokinesis cybernetics, penumbral platitude platonic proxy photic.
Assimilate stigma perspicacious, astute asunder atman pulchritudinous.
        
Decadent arrogant pompously bombastic blatant flagrant chaparral.
Diabolically maniacal dementia brusque macabre abruptness.
Swarthy beastly antithetical anathema ******* belligerent, savvy irate berserk-ness tirade.
Ulterior aghast agitator incongruous dire, perdurable peremptory primacy arbitrate zealot.
Cantankerously sorcerous insidiously sinister alchemy cauldron, pernicious visceral pathogenic, virulence truculence.
Ideational hideously horrible horrendously heinous ghastly abysmal abjection.
Perpetuity pervade rampart ransack oblation erogenous scarp lambent actuarial arbitrage.
Exserted protuberant pseudopodia actuator, odious aorist militantly mercenary.

Wingspread wiry wiseacre wherewithal rapacity, implicit important juxtaposition.
Machismo equilibrist machinations, kinesiology kleptomaniac knell physique.
Ribaldry rigmarole rhubarb, risqué rive rollick.
Demeanor kamikaze kerf, megalomania misanthropies modus operandi genocidal xenophobic.
Heredity heritage heresy legacy, pseudonym multifarious nefarious nemesis.
Sepulcher stratagem pantheism parapet paradigm, psychosis neophyte, paragon proselyte.
Pilferous wheedling finagler, plunderous pillaging usurper, longevous loquacity lottery.
Rhapsody rhetoric rote raconteur newfangled nocturnal nonchalant sycophant.
Morose morsel moribund, lurid luscious lyricism lucidity lucrative.
Creative cleaver crafty cunning furtive sneaky stealthy connive.
Aphorism euphemism hegira to xanadu carousing marauder syllogism.
Swell surge flow flux craw crux, virago monad chaos character charisma.
Heuristic cavalier humeral, meager demonstrative anarchy iconoclasm, apropos ergo ipso-facto.
Plenary plenipotentiary omniscience presage, omnipotent directive ubiquity emanations.
Nous agnate ontological ontogeny, exegesis peroration.
Abeyance, exotically ****** quixotic ecstatically emphatic fanatic.
Orchestration rendition unicorn railway mainsail, awry askew askance.

Canny cogent fecund erudite sagacious sequacious conjuring mentality introjection conjugation coercions.
Avant-garde temporal abstract, scenario synopsis eclectic synectics.
Synaptic syntax syndrome aspersion, quagmire quandary poshly plush.
Physicality ***** pictorial, picturesque glyph, debauchery deviant profane ***** vicarious assertion exorbitance.
Mystical silhouette sojourn consortium sabbat conclave liaison, soiree tryst rendezvous symposium excursion compendium.
Incarnate cephalic phantasmagoria proximity parameter phantasm epitomize transitive transcendental syntactic semantics.
Resplendent radiant ephemeral effulgence translucent incandescent luster effluence, reflectively refractive azure opulence effusion.
Contentious pretentiously extravagant eccentric intransigent pedantic antics.
Guidon guile homogenous hovering imagination immaturity, exogamy incorporeity ideologies.
Pique poignant piquant puissant quiescence, obstreperously abstruse vagary plausibility’s cause.
Vivid intangible impetus instinct intrigue, livid lurid allusion.
Autonomous preterite discrepancy amendment emendations, transcendent accession ascensional in absentia expurgation exculpation.

Used to the supernatural, catastrophic madness,
I mistake my daily life for peace.
As this roaming train wobbles me back and forth,
What was it that I shouldn't lose sight of?

Consumed by concepts of egalitarian fundamentalism,
Feels like even my soul is so much uncertainty.
You have to clearly state what you love and what you hate,
Or you're no different from a dummy.

Ah, the crowds of people walking down the streets at night,
Some seem to be in bliss, some melancholic.
The contrast jumps around the music staff,
Creating the song and rhythm.

Marmalade and sugar song,
Peanuts and Bitter step,
So sweet and yet so sore,
It makes me feel queasy.

Let's head south-southwest,
And keep this party going,
To make it a night
That the world will never forget.

I feel fantastic, a chain of reflections go on

Marmalade and sugar song,
Peanuts and Bitter step,
So sweet and yet so sore,
It makes me feel queasy.

Let's head south-southwest,
And keep this party going,
To make it a night
That the world will never forget.

I feel fantastic, a chain of reflections go on
From one good time,
To a problem, then another good time

Hiding. She's
Trying. I keep her
Confined.

Sleeping. She's
Weeping. She screams out her
Cries.

Falling. She's
Calling. There's pain in her
Eyes.

Dormant. She's
Latent. She feels
Paralyzed.

Shifting. She's
Drifting. But I keep her
Inside.

Uneasy. She's
Queasy. Yet I
Minimize.

Refracted. She's
Lasted. She cant be
Denied.

Bleeding. She's
Seeking. To be
Recognized.

Unwitting. I'm
Splitting. I say my
Goodbyes.

Heating. It's
Fleeting. My old peace of
Mind.

Conquered. I'm
Anchored. I'm treading
Neck-high.

Drowning. Heart
Pounding. My sight going
Blind.

Vehement. Not
Present. I am losing my
Pride.

Engaging. I'm
Raging. She's loud from
Inside.

Neurotic. I'm
seasick. From pain left
Behind.

Messy. We're
Heavy. There's blood on our
Lies.

Damage. I
Manage. This fall from up
High.

Numbness. Crave
Oneness. This banal state,
Mine.

Transgressing. Keep
shedding. And I'll find her
Smile.

Uplifting. Deep
Thinking. I tame what is
Wild.

           Releasing and healing
                     My own inner-child.

      
☼ Mica Light

Today, the sky's blue
Though my stomach is queasy
And my heart throbs.

queasy queen questions
quirky quail's quivery quacks -
quill quietly quit

I’ll tell of a dream wherein I saw
A mermaid on a rocky shore,
who sang to me with words so sweet,
she swept me from my faltering feet
and beckoned me with glistening arm
to join her in the sea so warm,
to frolic in the tumbling surf
in wholesome and good natured mirth,
until at last she led me deep
unto the land where fishes sleep,
where Neptune on a throne of power
adorned withal in green sea flowers
and hung about with pearls and gold,
(of such are countless stories told),
he bade me sit, and served me Mullet,
which flapped and wriggled in my gullet
and made me feel a little queasy,
for eating live fish isn’t easy,
then Neptune, mermaid, fish and all
departed me amidst a squall,
and I awoke midst ocean billows
to find myself overwhelmed by pillows.

There are some things I did not know.        

I did not know you could sit in a room with someone and miss them. Miss them because they just don't quite speak to you how they used to and you realise, this is it. This is where he starts to cut me out.
All of this provokes an old, intense and overwhelming need to study every detail of their face and commit to memory, all without being caught.
    
 I did not know you could love the shade of someone's skin in a particular colour t-shirt      
Try to keep it in. Repressing smiles? Well, life could be worse, couldn't it. But wow, I wish I could un-invent all the colours in the world just so he had to wear that colour constantly.

I did not know you could become obsessed with the way someone scrunches up their pinky finger when they play guitar, and scrunches up their nose when they hit the high notes    
And wow, isn't it just the cutest thing. That is an image of absolute peace. You in your favourite place, because all you need is the guitar. All I need is you to have the guitar. I swear, I could stay here forever.      Sing me into old age.

I did not know you could develop a passion for tea, because he likes it too and I'll drink it excessively because it reminds me of you. I confess, I would always give you a little extra sugar and you said my tea is the best.

I did not know I could wake up so blissfully in your bed sheets as that trademark cup of tea stands purposefully on the edge of the bed  
And Lord, did you create this boy with the purpose of melting my heart? I can't tell you how many awful nights sleep have been erased because the beautiful boy with the tea is there when my eyes open. Maybe I'll pretend to fall asleep often, to recreate the moment.

I did not know I have recorded your smell to memory until the smell with a different face passed me and all I could see was you. Because I noticed the smell first and I was looking around for you, but you were nowhere to be seen. I guess this aromatic ghost constantly haunts me.

I did not know I could constantly feel queasy before I see you, though it was nearly everyday. Crippling butterflies. The worse bit about those, is you have to pretend they're not there.

  I did not know I could be so protective over someone who is not even mine. I'd argue for you and fight for you and I'd be that one person you could always count as being on your side, but really...well, it won't make you love me, but it helps me to love you.  

I did not know I would grow to feed on your words and hang onto every single one that leaves your mouth. Sometimes you speak and I wish l could just take out a notebook because I never want to forget a thing. I'll sit and wait for your words or wait for you to sing.    Sing me into eternity.

  I did not know I could love the colour your cheeks go when you are hot. Your entire face is just warm. And that's another thing about you, you just radiate. Goodness, knowledge, wisdom, understanding. I can see it all bubbling under your skin. Your face is flushed and it's making mine burn too.  

I did not know I would ever know this much about you. I did not know we would ever be friends. You were a person I was merely aware of.  But you took that chance. You took a chance that saved a life. So I guess sometimes, breaking professionalism is worth it. Maybe. Was I worth it?

I did not know that I did not love before you, for before you I did not know what love was.

Finite quantify corporeal xenobiotic kinesiology acerbity warranty nimbus heuristic unary sensorium zealotry exoneration blasphemously repertoire juxtaposition plenary desperate grandiose yantra icky tractive vast languishing monstrance optimal

Fictitious quixotic conjunctive xanadu kinetics asperity wrangle nimiety holistic unbridled subliminal zygosity eulogy blatant rendition jaunt plenipotentiary despicable genuflection yenta icon transition vauntness lurid  mendacity ornate

Fornicatious quagmire conjugational xylem kleptomania acuity wrest nihilism homogeny uncanny suborn zoic edifice brusque rectitude jurisprudence pandemic deplorable glitch yerk ichor tellurian vector licentious moribund opulence

Faux pas quintessence coercion xylophagous kobold agility  wrought notorious huckster unfathomable substantiation zephyr extemporaneous belligerent recital jettison plagiaristic denigrational gestational yoni ictus terrestrial venery longevous morsel ostensive

Flamboyance quantum critique xerophilous kowtow articulation wroth nostrum horizon usurping subtlety zilch exacerbational bodacious radix jeopardy portentous denouement genre yore incus tantamount verve loquacity meticulous ordinate

Flippant quasi credibility xenophile kangaroo court autonomy wreak notch hornswoggle ultimatum solace zoomorphic exigency bartizan repartee jocular potentate douceur gesticulation yowl –ics telepathy volition lingam meatus odious

Flighty queasy critically xylography keeky artistry wrathy nugatory ***** unity sultry zoolatry enmity beastly ramify jouncy paltry dastardly gimpy yogi idolatry talismanically votary lucidity motivity ornery

People:
I secretly hate you, like the mole on my back.  
I want to tell you off, but I have to watch my back.

Work:
My eyes are glued to the screen - like a mouse to a trap.
I just want that cheese, but my metaphor is weak.

Weak at the knees, it's making me queasy.
Life ain't easy, life ain't easy.

To much attraction..not enough reaction...but don't reactions cause attractions...or just irritations...scratching the surface until one bleeds...and not healing the wounds that one needs...in all essences the soul should stay strong...if the skin, muscles, and bones stay where they belong...but sometime the shift just a tad..altering the soul you once had.

Looking for my number 2.....cuz my number 1 died a long time ago... surprised....im not she was gettin old...but you...can do what you gotta do to stay brand new...bend over a lil touch your toes... stretch a lil and build strong bones...she forgot to change it up.. after the first time i tore it up.. so eventually the wounds wouldn't stop bleeding...so she had to resort to cheating...

So As i tip toe through the valley of death I shall feel no evil...But im jumping off buildings back flipping blinded like evil Knievel... i shall look death in the face and laugh....as all who oppose my GOD shall fear his wrath...so a dead man i'm for I oppose him daily...And his cries to save me i only hear faintly....but nevertheless he calls me...as i fail to answer but scurry along blindly in to eternity...

i lost my touch, no longer Im i in reach... some body save me.... My body is queasy...and my mind is wheezing... for air....and if I dare....ask why... i only get questions as a reply... is there any help out there?????

why cant i have what i want when shes soo far away...I see her every day in my own special way...My dreams can suffice but only for so long...It wont be to long till i just cant go on...Warm embraces are needed to reassure my freedom..Cuz with out them im a slave to this lust demon...but once she surrounds me..my heart can love freely...and live to survive another day

Still looking for that smile I cant find...and grabbing for that hand i cant touch....feeling incomplete even tho love stares me in the face...its not filling the void.... I'm reaching back for what I let go, letting go so i can reach back...but then there was a reason it lost grip and slipped....

I'm back on the scene like a river flowing stream...I got the sprinkles to make the donut cream...but I don't eat em only learn to treat em....But if they taste good I guess I gotta feed em....Food for your thought wax on wax off...The Kabasa is guaranteed to knock your socks off..

lonely!!!!!!!! but only sleepy.... sad but happy.... Open today closed tomorrow....never look back but im stuck lookin backwards....Hummm this is what happens when you go into withdraw... I depressed...

lonely in the bed with songs in my head....visions of maken love with a body so soft...but when I open my eyes its just a pillow at myside...Time to let it go and free up some room...So may be when I open my eyes I can be holding on to you....(thought)....

Shortly and swiftly I'll drift in to eternity...to be forgotten by those drove into insanity..but remembered by those who still live with humanity...So this death ain't hard to see..Only easy to envision.. destine since the beginnin...ever since we... started sinnin..I can see the future comen and still Im not running....

Why cant you just chill and relax im not here for all this bs.... but you buggin trippen...Im crazy from the words that u shitin... **** now Im all lost for tonight straight up Im lookin for some *** for tonight..since you wanna go there Im trying to... take it there...im a be ******* cuz now i really don't care~!!!

I wish i could be so tender now... but i dont think I know how now... I'm just tryin chill to save us from future ill...It not like i want this cup to spill...Why cant strings be missin why must i be attached...Honestly i can love you but im just not ready for that...Actions of haste leave me with sour taste..as we just became ill.. because you forgotten how to chill..maybe i wont cry, but i will if we die.....

Goodafternoon cruel world how you doin, how you livin...been kinda crazy since i walked in the beginnin...but to you dear world leave my skin and my sin...Cuz where im trying go that stuff cant get in...Well in any way Im still lookin for that somethin, but if it dont come im i can go back to loven runnin!!!

Almost time to become a legal man...a lil wiser and smarter at playin my hand...no more foolish girls...nor foolish boys and there lil worlds...well maybe a lil fun...but making sure i get it done..almost time brand new to the game like Sir'Siah.......but hopefully by the end of the night ill be hearing Jeremiah.....

Her flash-light beamed,
making shadows crawl on the walls.

She gagged at the overwhelming smell,
trying to investigate what was going on.

Then her knees buckled.
Her stomach felt queasy .

Red.
Dark red.
A trail of blood stained the hall floor.

Dull.
Really dull.
A pale hand lay limp from underneath the floorboards.

Click.
She turned off her flashlight,
footsteps echoed from afar.

Click.
Bang!

Her flashlight remained on.

:
..
....
........
...........

As often as a human's breath,
deadlines and restrictions pop up
simultaneous with emergencies
chores, and necessities...all in a fast
pace, many things are prioritized
...though, most are unnecessary and
occupy precious space in our lives...

everyday, we struggle...silent battles
and tribulations stir the soul...
for some reason, some things cannot
be changed...some people play deaf
and stay the same.....neither could
thoughts towards them, be altered...
sometimes, our ties with useless stuff,
and useless people...need to be severed.
moments come when, we've had enough
..............of rules and regulations.
...................we just get fed up...

life is precious and short.....a part of me
....awaits a break......a cold phase,
.........when all my discontent would freeze
..............when all queasy feelings
...................this fidgeting within,
........................would turn to ice
..............................permanently.....
.................­......
...................
.............
.........
......
....
..­
.

Sally

© Rosalia Rosario A. Bayan
(an old unposted poem from 2014)

Curses to that boy.
For spoiling you; leaving a dent
For taking your energy
For leaving you spent

How dare he think he could keep you to himself?
For months on end
Until I didn't recognize the beautiful you
You were covered in a cloud of him

Curses for that boy
who cursed you
because why else did your eyes so blue turn a pale grey?
if you were not used?

Cursing myself because I befriended him
so I can see in his eyes the sadness he feels
and he's regretful
but he's not
because he doesn't want that path
the one of guilt so strong
where you're hanging on the edge of the crack
and the only rope is to right your wrong
but you both know
you wouldn't take him back

And there are real curses.
If not, then why did that lady who looks so lovely
have such a tragic story?
Cursed by time for the older mother, soon gone
Cursed by disease as her mother departed -
no match for her cancerous beast.
Cursed by fate.
As she made soup for a queasy sister.
Such a small hint, a short phone-call
And she arrived to greet the deceased.
And she was foredoomed to relent her peace.

Curses to anyone who has wronged!
I should think.
I hate how there are two sides
Because then I remember how I used to love it all
And I'm afraid
of that love resurfacing
And I'm afraid
that I am verging on witch-hood

And I was raised never to curse
Lest I become the devil at its worst

Going with the flow
Yet you do not know
That the flow goes all directions

The natural lines that blind your mind
These barriers of glass
Create channels, rivers, currents
Patterns
Where the water
The flow
Simply goes

When you are always in the rapids
When your point of view is rabid
Only reacting
Not responding
So swept up in the current
You flail, flounder, following
Helplessly

Yet little do you know
The flow goes all directions
You are never alone
You are a node
You are the ocean
Not a current
You are everything
You’re worth it
You are the moment
You are worship
You are attention pointed out
Barriers are but illusions
Your life is lilting, tilting fusions
But becoming the ocean is not always easy
It’s massive, the motion makes us queasy
Most of the time we are in our own streams
Funneled by barriers as real as our dreams
But funneled nonetheless
Carried away

The process of growth
Is slowly raising yourself out of the stream
Slowly
Gradually
Adding moments of response
Instead of reaction
In that act
We find branches
In the stream
And therefore choice
We can paddle
Change our course

The world opens up
We are not the ocean yet
But on our way
As you lift yourself higher
Out of the stream
You do begin to see
The flow goes all directions
Flowing into the sea
Not only are you the ocean
But you are every stream

You float above this aquatic landscape
Coursing rivers like veins across the living earth
And, here is the magical part:
You can choose where to swim

You dive in
Headfirst
You are birthed
This is divinity
Infinity
Each moment of consciousness
A fateful flux
Between ocean and stream
Between finite and infinite
The macrocosm above
The microcosm below
The cosm in between

You are
Here
Now
The barrier between the mundane and the divine
The band of fluctuation
You are the frame
In which
This artwork unfolds

That is what happens when you can choose
When you lift out of the stream

On one level, you choose the next moment

On another level, you choose any of the infinite realities that your mind can imagine

On yet another, you are consciousness, the great ocean of light
Choosing which point to dive into the universe
Which river to course through

To enter a life of conscious experience
To sing the body electric
Be born and live and die
Be born
Live
Die
From ocean to stream and ocean again

The stream will be your entire experience
While you are underwater

But never forget:
This is Water

David Foster
This is Wallace

Meditation is learning how to swim
To realize this is water
And dryness is within
Then you learn to rise
Float above the water
Ascend
Transcend
Fly
So high
Then choose your stream
Dive in
Up and down
In and out
Like a dolphin merrily moving through the ocean
A smiling sine wave
Flowing seamlessly, dreamily
No wonder they are smiling
As free as one can be
They are the ocean and the stream
A realization that is probably easy
When one is born under the sea

We are the water in the stream
And the sea
Stretching across infinity
We are the force flowing through the tree
Splitting, branching
Diverging from the whole
But connected at the soul

In actuality
We are fractality

I feel your engery
your strength
all I want is to
feed off it
but I dont understand
how.
~

who are you
to make me
queasy
with one
word
~

I want your
kindness
hate
and time
but things
are always
way diffrent for us

Inside the room,
That surrounded by the gloom,
I find myself exposed,
Covered by duvet with my eyes closed,
Looking for some comfort,
That I, myself hard to resort.

Every time I stand in front of the crowd,
My mind succumbed by familiar tremors and doubt,
Eyes that full of judgment, I want out,
Heart pounding fast and a mental block,
I anticipate the time would stop.

Anxiety, the word that I always felt,
Even I cannot dealt,
Uncomfortable to socialize,
It suppresses me to vocalize,
It makes me immobilize,
Then I recognized,
Social Anxiety, I realized.

Having a Social Anxiety feels like you are in a box,
Trapped by oneself, tightly sealed, and locked.
Unable to free myself because it makes me terrified,
Lack of confidence, courage, I clarified.

Think about the people inside the box,
Carrying the feelings that there is no way out,
Sooner or later they will build a wall as a blocked,
that surrounded by nothing but the dark,
make themselves isolated, separated, and locked.

I finally realize what is with the box,
It is some façade formed as a rock,
excluding them from connection,
As the box designed as protection,
That the people inside it thinks there is no direction,
But I believe we can use it to make you a better person.

Social Anxiety prevents you from being who you are,
A person who should shine so bright like a star,
So dear, do not be shy,
I know someday you will soar high and fly,
With the dreams of yours held up high,
Standing in front of the ear-splitting crowd,
Saying the word “I overcome it!”, as you shout,
“I am anxiety free!” with pride.

Always remember that you are loved,
Maybe not by everyone but the people that you surround,
you are a diamond that certain people found,
the successful end game is bound.

People with no experience of anxiety,
Can say that it just a minor issue entirely,
But no one realized that it is the society,
Society is the reason why there is anxiety,
On the contrary, if people start to have empathy,
Maybe there is a future in society.

Having social anxiety is not easy,
it makes you feel queasy,
it *****,
people who have it mostly to be vulnerable as ****,
so, if you know some people who have experienced it,
Please help them conquer it.

Keeper Of The Wind.

Who goes there says I out loud

But there came no answer to my silly question

But the wind kept rattling itself outside and came in through each smallest crack

And I stood there so silently thinking who was it that just moaned
And out it came

A vapor that stunk of rotted old cheese

And I slumped over myself for I could not stand being consumed by this over offensive odor

And I grew ever so queasy inside of the deepest part of me

And it growled out at me that nasty oldest thing that now grew ever so tall in front of me

And he snickered out loud
and he said in the gruffest voice

I am the master of the wind

The oldest survivor of all things

And you are now of me

And I was hurled forward deep within that humanless being until I was never more.

jo.

My thoughts are dazed…
Claustrophobic and hazed.
I’m exhausted and unamazed,
Fatigueness of some kind, low from the natural high.
Thoughts in my mind are delusive and unkind.
Dizzy and feeling quite fizzy
Not in the mood for studying, excitement, and fun.
Sitting by my lonesome self just writing what I can process.
Head feels heavy, got me feeling a bit queasy
Uneasy
Zoned out and lost in my thoughts
Sun is out and the wind is harsh…
It’s skin prickling and dissatisfying.
My exhaustion is sickening.
Absolute death and no reason
No fret
But anguished in my enclosed mind
But no threat…

System overkill
Discredit and disregard
Explain but disagree and make it hard
Exhalation and permutation
Loss of existence and clouded perception

Obsessive minds and sniffed up lines
Excessive amounts and numbers you cannot even count.
Broken, ripped, torn, and outwardly worn.
A lost ghoul, selfish, and for more you mourn.
Poor and dead, not yourself, completely blacked out and unconscious in bed.

Overdosed on the ******’ pills, suicide attempts never work…
Let the meds pour…
Gone, so gone…
Just let the meds pour...

He lived in a room with no windows
He hung pictures on the wall
Of driveways, cars and hedgerows
Of redbrick homes and even a town hall

But soon he began to miss a view
That offered some variety
Nothing breathed and nothing grew
At the centre of his dead society

So he moved a couple in next door
And an accountant the other side
An old lady got the house with the green front door
A large family had the garden with the slide

The postman liked to come at noon
A bus passed on the hour
He saw children playing in the afternoons
And lawns brighten under spring showers

It didn’t exist beyond his doors
This idyllic, sunny street
But now that he had some neighbours
His new home felt complete

But like all things of beauty
The cracks began to show
Reality likes to exercise duty
Down to the smallest bungalow


One day the silver car was missing
And, when watching the road for more
He the saw the man next door was kissing,
Mrs Across the Road, not Mrs Next Door

A while later, there came the shouts
And the gasps of laboured crying
The street knew what the row was about
And so Mrs Across the Road was caught lying

The kids were put in the car, confused
Bras were strewn across the front lawn
She begged him to stay but he refused
And an ambulance was there by dawn

Mrs Across the Road was dead
They found her hanging from the ceiling
And Mrs Next Door had a cut on her head
That gave him a queasy feeling

Vandals came, the police followed
The old lady’s front windows were broken
The had tulips wilted and the people wallowed
He watched the decay, alone and heartbroken

He decided to move away from this street
The sobbing through the walls plagued his evenings
A new set of windows, new neighbours to meet
The real world could be conquered by leaving


But when moving day came, and he arrived
He felt suddenly much less sure
When he noticed that, well and revived
Mrs Across the Road living next door

From then, wherever he went they came
His neighbours’ rows and cries were haunting
He moved some more, but it was always the same
His world was inescapable, the fiction taunting

Eventually, his patience snapped
Which led him to a more physical hell
Windowless once again, he could never adapt
To the bars on the door to his cell

Every year, on Christmas Eve
we gather at her parents' home.
That has been our tradition
since before I married Joan.

First, the traditional feast of fish,
Lobster and scungelli.
Some pasta shells for Judy
cause fish makes her stomach queasy.

The Men took turns as Santa Claus
when all the kids were small.
I needed pillows way back then,
I've since grown into the role.

My only son, when he was young,
could not say Santa's name.
but boy was he excited
whenever "**-**" came.

The years fly past. We all grew old
the Children all grew tall.
The little ones are College bound
the oldest works on Wall.

This year was sadly different-
"The patriarch has died
It’s Dolores’ first Christmas
without him by her side.

But if he's not there in the flesh
to joke and beam with pride
I'll put his portrait on a chair
placed near the fireside.

Then when all gifts are given,
and third desserts have been declined.
I'll say, “Christmas is over"
because that always was his line.