i play the same melancholy songs
that I do when we fight
sit with my legs crossed
or pace in the pretty light

i don't want to be the wounded wife
the small smile sly im fine
i look in the mirror to see her
smiling back at me, she tells me
its fine
you learn to swallow the pain
instead of fighting back

i loathe my fight
the roar of my emotions unchained
but without it
i look empty
devoid of emotion and passion

is that what I'm destined for?
stuck with a man grey,
structured, solid, un-movable
when i'm expressive as the sky
in all her beauty

how do I breathe when we are so different
I crumble while you stand tall and fine
even if you did crumble you wouldn't want me there
a signature of we
are not a team

i could send you my words
explain to you through them
how i feel
the way i do best
but you'd be just as blank
just as confused

so maybe
i swallow my hurt
give a small smile
and say im fine

and you make me want to write poetry again
not the good kind
I find myself back here every once in a while to find
we’re still gone
you and I aren’t who we used to be and yeah
its great being friends but it hurts to see you happier
with the better version of me
because we like the same music and have the same wants
but she has you now and I’m lost and forgot
what it was like to hold your hand
its been a year my dear
and I'm happier too
with the boy I left you in the dust for
I will never forgive my course of actions
though approved of and signed by you
I should’ve seen the signs of your unhappiness
and discontent
when you sat on the rock instead of dancing with her
though she wanted you
we ****** that night under the stars but
I don’t think you wanted to mean it
and I dont think you ever forgot but how could you
how could I
see past the love I had to chase a dream of mine that ultimately
crushed us too
selfish wants and selfish ways you say
you forgive me
but that can’t be true when I watched you cry in anger
and 3 months later
we screamed in each others faces while I packed up my stuff
and moved back out to the place id finally escaped from
into your arms because you were better than the death I had planning
because it was you or the ocean and you knew that
and I sit back here and im still in this place
and she hasn’t changed and I lost you
and I lost your family that once was our family
and I lost my nieces and I lost my sanity
once again but you aren’t to blame
no
I am the one who tore our love to shreds
I am the one who needed more
I am the one who burnt the bridges that saved me
back on my deserted island of
‘home’
but you know home is *******

I love him.

but you
you taught me how to love
you taught me it was okay to be vulnerable
you taught me that for once
love didn’t have to be violent
that it could be soft like summer rain
the thunderstorms we’d cuddle up in
rearranging our room to be a little cubby just for us
love could be
okay
it could be okay

and you said you had me and I trusted that because you did
and then I ****** it up
and you sit at parties of our mutual friends telling me that’s not what happened and it was, M, it was what happened
I threw out the loving family I finally had and christmases that were joy and not manipulation
I threw out what I treasured most and ****
you’ve changed
you’re not the same person I fell in love with so why
is it so ******* hard
to actually let you go
why is it so hard to watch you turn your back
to walk into her arms
call her perfect
beautiful

I wish I could say I dont know where I went wrong

do the things I wanted with you with her and
that hurts too
long hair and **** watching ****** movies and you planning dates
and she gets that

cool

you say I taught you things like that
but did I
or was it when you finally found someone that would make your heart spin thats when she deserved that
you have a job now so you pay
and I always did but she loves you better so thats just that isn’t it

we both know im not the one running though
and my inner demons begin to show
and I cant state my point without yelling
and you cant yell back
and I thought I needed that

its been a year.

how

how have I not gotten over you yet
how am I so content yet so
destroyed by the thought of you

I listen to our song
the one we recorded for each other before you left
without knowing we both had
and I sit here with tears in my eyes because its been a year and hey there Delilah still makes me cry thinking about your voice crack
when you cried
for me

maybe in another year ill be fine
and I dont know why im not
this site feels like our place
I miss you

I miss you like summer rain
and I miss being your winter girl
but I miss who you were
not who you are now

I still look at you like you put stars in the sky
I swore to myself that this would be easy
But I sit here in another’s bed asking why
I feel queasy and ****** and not at all breezy

he used to be my everything
bright like summer rain
he has a new girl now and
things just aren’t the same

she says that she loves him
utterly and truely she swore
and it hurts to watch him love her
as if it wasn’t you before

learn how he likes his coffee;
moka espresso black with a single sugar,
a cappuccino or a flat white if he’s out
(he knows the only espresso better than his is his nonno’s)
learn how to make it, the brand of espresso he uses, how much he puts in, the flick of his wrist when he puts the sugar in.
The first sip, the gentle smile that he shares with the world.
contento.

learn his family. his mother is overprotective and his father likes to put his foot in his mouth. it’s a trait in him you learn to love, and love the fact he passed it to his son.
learn that he has a troubled past, the love child of two divorces, he feels like the symbol of heartbreak. assure him that he is so much more than what happened before he was born.

learn his brothers. learn the heartache that comes with breakups when drugs and two little angels get involved. love those two girls with all your heart. they need a nurturing force in their life and it breaks my heart but I can’t be that anymore.
the older one wants to be taught. information and knowledge excites her, teach her about the sky and the moon. spend the time teaching her. she may annoy you temporarily but her hugs are like gold.
the younger one loves games, and stealing half of your breakfast even when she swore she wasn’t hungry. get her to trust you and shell sprint to you every time she sees you. I’d give anything to see her again.

learn Sunday lunches. you’ll never get him to miss one, but take this as a sign of devotion to his family, and for what he loves most. go with him to them, but ALWAYS say hello to nonna or so help you god. remember that pasta is an entree in this culture. his uncle will make a crude joke, his cousins will be the most lovely girls you’ll ever meet. his aunt will sometimes be racist but don’t worry, he will set her straight.

learn his culture. pasta is a given, but so is the word ’no’. he will spend a lot of time cooped up in his room, encourage him to spend more time outside. he secretly loves the sunshine, as long as he has enough deodorant on. attempt the language. language is a big passion of his. Italian is beautiful, treat it with respect

he will love walks if they’re with you. find a pretty view and he will insist you’re prettier. his frequent compliments, he means every one of them. don’t let them lose meaning. all are genuine. say thank you.

twirl around the kitchen when you make late night tea and never ever forget to drink it.

let him game for as long as he wants. he will crawl into bed with you when he’s done and he’ll appreciate the time for himself. don’t forget that he loves you.

lay on his bare chest. he loves skin to skin. aircon on, he loves being cold then curling up under covers.

spoon him from time to time. protect him. hold him tight. hands through his hair.

he loves back scratches when he hugs you. he’ll ask for it if you forget, but ******* don’t. you remembering will put him at ease

find ways for him to express his anger. he doesn’t know how to so it sits in his chest and broods. *** helps. throwing things at the wall helps.

he will have meltdowns. he puts so much on his plate at once, and he can handle it, but he needs his downtime. encourage him to stop studying, to read or game or workout, something that isn’t for anybody else but him. hug him, tell him everything will still workout if he takes half an hour to cool off.

he loves finding new music. let him play it in the car when you drive.

keep hand sanitiser in your purse. he hates sticky hands.

he loves waffles. do with that what you will.  

surprise him with tea that you find interesting. he’ll love the thought.

intricate gifts mean a lot to him, but it's not hard to remind him of your love. leave notes in his room, long, short, post it notes. write him poetry. call him with good news. call him with bad news. call him in the bath. call him to tell him you love him.

cherish him.

never let a day go by without telling him you love him.

dont let him go like I did. don’t let your selfish desires **** his soul. love him with all your heart. never take him for granted. never take his quietness for anger. never let him go to sleep feeling unloved. stay up with him when hes upset. dress up for him. surprise him with visits but call when youre close by, just incase. never let him out of your grasp. never ever hurt him. he cant dance but tell him to be free with you. sing in the car with him. compliment his singing, its ******* impressive. if he writes you a song memories the words and sing it in the car when youre sad. I still do.

love him with everything you have.

he deserves the world.

give it to him.

nothing burns hotter than the realisation
that you were the problem all along
that those feelings of resentment and hatred
they stemmed from your core, from your habits
abuse had and abuse held, abuse shared
where it didn’t belong

my dear sweet boy,
as time goes on I see more and more the flaws in my actions
the things I said and did
where they came from, and where they went.
my dear sweet boy you and I both know I live in active abuse
where I walk on eggshells all day and seldom talk
yet when I am with you I yell and scream

you should not wear my trauma on your sleeve

it is not yours to hold yet I ****** it into your hands
“here”
“take it”
not many options and the fear that grasped you never let you say no
this isn’t okay
I deserve better
I live in resentment of the world that created the injustice in which I lie
but that resentment boiled into hatred for the blessed life that you were gifted
a mothers love was all I ever wanted.
a mothers love was all you ever got

we fought like fire and rain
I always put you out
the fire inside me burns bright
and I doubt it will ever cease

but that fire isn’t yours to bear
the burns that cover your body are forever
and I see the damage I have done.
I dance to the sound of your minds thoughts racing
thinking
how do I say I’m hurt
without hurting her.
how do I express disscontempt
when I know her mind will flick to the worst
how do I be me
without hurting her

and my dear sweet boy
insight is a miracle
but so is distance.
and I hope she makes you happy
I hope her smile lights up your heart

I listen to the playlist I made you
gave to you the day you went away
and I miss you all over again
my stormboy
the heavens still cry for you

I’ve always written poetry,
Ever since I was little
Little Shannon writing lyrics to love songs when ****,
She didn’t even know love yet.

I wonder if anyone’s figured it out
two unconnected poetry accounts on the same site
Look closer and you’ll read the tale of our love
Poems written at the same times
Watch us unfold
Without knowing when we started where we’d end up

So take a look
Look back
Craft the timeline of our falling in love
and of the out
When we started losing ourselves and stopped writing
When we swear we fell apart,
but didn’t.
Then really did.

Craft the timeline of our words.
We are but words here.

Maybe one day we can write poetry again.
Maybe one day it won’t hurt this bad.

I doubt you’ll read this and call.
But call anyway.
Don’t say anything.
Just call.
I dont know whether to delete your number or keep the hope that we’re still alive in your heart.

only to fall apart worse

maybe i’m mad because i didn’t call this shot
didn’t call the break and the fall
this time
but i ache for you
i ache for you and your hands and your love
spent the night crying into my pillow and heaving heavy sighs of discontent
we both cried before you left
last hug, tight
last hug
last.
you told me you had to leave to find yourself again
we lost who we are
as much as i get that i want to scream
why can’t we do that together
side by side why
can’t you love me like fire
instead of the wind that put you out

i was ready to give it all up
the boys the dancing the times without you by my side
living with you was my home and my bliss and now i must pack
yet again
and leave
yet again
back to a place i can’t call safe
exactly why i left it
for you.
you said you’d always catch me but now i’ve fallen to the ground
never kissing in the rain
2am cursing your name

how do i live if it’s not with you
you say you love me but that can’t be true
you should have told me when you knew.
but you couldn’t face me, could you.

i love you with everything i have left
and i could write for decades about my aching heart
but what good does that do
when i’ve already lost you

I wanted you to be the one
But for now we can’t have that
Everlooming fights and
grasps for attention
We aren’t “us” anymore
Im not “me” anymore
and we need to find that again

Right now you cant love me and I cant love you

but maybe one day..

Run through expensive hotels
Just to come home, play Mario Kart in our underwear
A high-stake love, we burn like fire and cry like monsoons
Holiday flashes become traditions,
Movements of our hands and our arms keep the peace
The making of our love sneaky and frequent.

Ask you to run away with me into the moonlight
To never be seen again
Messy wild and barely free
Eighteen with too many cares and too many scars to hold alone
So let's hold them together
You can't heal my wounds
But you help relieve the pain

Four hands and two hearts ache for one another
Let's build a fort under your desk
Stay there till the morning light.
Movies I can't help to sleep through
Making out through every *** scene
l'll spoon you, kiss your bare back
Hold you tighter than

Drive until there's no more road,
Hands on knees light in the rearview mirror
driving in lingerie just for the ******* risk

Showers shared soothe the soul so hold me close and dear
Wash my hair and I'll wash yours.
The spot in my back that only you can reach.
Feel your heart beat through your chest
Your wet hair slicked back
Piercing blue eyes that melt me like wax and a flame
you are my flame.

We're messy and wild and inconsistent and angry and loving and full of so much.
Keep me safe and ill keep you wild
Until you return, my dear.

I’m hurt
But always from the point of my own sword
The problems cease to fade however skin unscathed leaves me unfulfilled.
I am a disease to my own mind,
Falling deeper into this depression, not falling, walking, I have the power to change direction but don’t know how.
Happy is threatening.
Happy is unsafe.
Happy has never been safe.
Happy means danger is hiding around the corner and if something else doesn’t cause it then it must be thine wounds that cause another’s.
Unhappy in love yet I am perpetually the problem. An outsider sabotaging the loveliness, a few days apart and suddenly a knife is drawn at the throat of an undeserving victim.
Because happy was never good enough for me.
Empty and jarring and sad and sorry and a passenger to the being who wreaks havoc and distraction, the builder of walls and the entity that pulls, no, snaps the strings holding my heart together until the final
Snap
He won’t get angry
He won’t budge
In efforts of sanity and peace he lays down and takes your anger and your resentment though most belongs directed straight at you
And he doesnt say a word.
Takes your bullets and your dagger and your sword and doesn’t breathe a word of anger. Not one of discontent.
Envy and anger and black putrid feelings ebb out of my skin and touch him yet he is not the rightful barer of my wrath
I am.
The sole disaster belongs to me.
I bring the storm to the bright days.
I bring the hail to perfectly smooth bumpers.
I bring the underworld to heaven just because it’s never quite enough to keep me full.
Empty and empty and empty.
The tin man’s cries have yet to reach the emerald kingdom.
And I have yet to find my peace.

I'm tired.


and I don't mean the tired of slippery fingers and prominent yawns

I'm tired of life

I'm tired of living without a pulse my blood
running cold and
mechanical the light in my eyes no longer
there.

The blood
that runs through my veins is thin
slippery like the oil that makes the wheels
spin
without the squeak.  

I see the world as a machine
cogs turning well-oiled nobody asks you whats
wrong
outside its fine
inside the storm brews
and I'm so tired of love songs that never
explain how angry
and sad
you can be when you're in love

and how your anger isn't caused by
him
at all
yet why can't I accept that.

im jealous and im sad
that he doesn't care enough to ask why
work through it as i would him
there are certain things he doesn't
get

but since when were you easy

its not his job to know you like the back
of your scarred hands
or to make your eyes blue
they've been grey for months.  

feeling a bit Billie blue
the days get darker and yet
his reassurance does nothing but
make me fear the burden that grows with each
kiss why did i let him fall for me
why did i let him make that sacrifice
maybe its better to leave him maybe he has a chance
at happy where im not there
god knows I don't make him happy anymore.
i cant even make me happy anymore

im tired of not knowing how to love you right.
im tired of being upset.
im tired of being angry
im tired of living in your shadow
im tired of not being good enough for you
im tired of being your burden
im tired of being tired

so listen before i go

it was never you.

How must i shout my love for you
when im kept hostage by my thoughts
It seems impossible
even to see your glowing love
i feel it on me like the suns rays
M.
I
am in love with you
irretrievably.
and i hope its you.
I hope its you.

It has become customary to press a blade to the inside of my left wrist when she tells me I am worthless.

I ache for the blood to seep from my damaged skin, pumped through my body from my damaged heart.

I sit in silence and wait; for him to come in and comfort me, to show me care and compassion, but he doesn’t.
Not anymore.

It’s hours.

I made a plan in seventh grade that the anklet would stop the burn of silver.

Anklets break.
Promises break.
It all becomes okay.

After the death of my grandmother, the last time I thought I would do it, I found a red string.

Tied it around my ankle.

Promised myself I would never do it whilst it was on.

But bad days exist.
And so do scissors.

And everlasting stress that never leaves and an easy way to feel without feeling.

Blood bubbles when it seeps through the gaps in your skin.

And it hurts but what hurts more is the ache in your chest when she tells you
you're stupid
             you don't respect me
                        you owe use
                                    we own you
                                                I want to hit you
                                                            c­hange your attitude, girl
                                                            ­            Watch out
                                                             ­                       Obey me
                                                              ­                                                             I AM YOUR MOTHER  

as if mother, was a synonym for god.

Guilt and hurt and god how did I end up here again?

It's knowing the answer.

Its knowing blame is bad and modesty is good and pain is for the ones who love but love is for the ones who are free from pain.

It's having to keep silent because asking for support is like giving her another bullet
            another thing to say
                        another reason to want to die

And when you pick your own crying body up off the floor, bruises from biting and pinching and hitting and clumps of hair and tissues of blood,

It's being alone.  

Its the eerie silence that follows.

It's concealer on wrists. It's looking down to avoid eye contact. Its wishing someone would ******* notice.

it's structured loneliness.

it's the skills you had to learn all alone.

It's fighting for breath, not knowing whether to stop or breathe.

It's about helping others

                                                               ­         before ever helping yourself

It's being called worthless at the bottom of bad days

It's your own problems magnified because you don't hide them well enough

                                    It's hurting
                                                                ­       and I want it to stop

I write as the blade is pressed to my wrist once again.

and i put my phone in aeroplane mode
so i dont hear it when you dont call.
is that selfishness
or self protection.

My baby.
You’re wondering about the type of women you want to be. It’s a sad and soggy Sunday and you sit by the railing while it’s raining and the wind sighs at your presence.
You long for love, and peace, and mystery and excitement and you long to be wanted for who you are not who you could be if you were small.

My baby.
Everything you want isn’t everything you see.
Damaged isn’t pretty, my baby and maybe it looks it but the pain, oh baby the pain is like nothing you’ve ever felt.
And maybe you crave the mystery, maybe you crave the smudges mascara and the hunger pains.
But honest to truth my baby
Being this ****** up ain’t cute
Being this ****** up isn’t safe.
Being this ****** up makes you wonder what in the world is.

My baby there is nothing like the ache of being empty,
The sad and solemn nothing, the pitiless void that seldom empties but when it does you put stars in his eyes for he is the only other person with the key.
And a lot of the time the key doesn’t fit your locks,
The walls you’ve put up are brick.
Solid.
And for every brick you stack he takes one away, eager to pull them down he tries and baby one day you might stop building.
Maybe it’ll be on a soft and sunny Saturday when both of you are laughing and you see it within him.
You’ll stop building and he’ll smile knowing that
Yes.
Finally.
Free.

My baby your walls are thick and strong,
Most of the time,
Sometimes they fall but you pick them up and rebuild don’t let anyone see the truth.
He knows.

My baby the boy you love will never quiet fill your cup and it’ll break you but it’s not his job to.
You have to try too.
Because baby I know you hurt and I know you just want out of the cruel ******* world but now no.
Now you have someone to love you.
To love you for who you are and not who you would be if you were small.
Someone who loves you so that to go would be to take a piece of him with you.
Maybe that piece is the spark you fell in love with.
Baby no now you have someone to live for.

My baby I know you think smudged mascara and running away is desirable and makes them want more but baby.
On the good days you feel like a well oiled machine, task after task focus, seem well act well everybody laughs, smooth machine yet still lack the basic humanity that should consume you.

My baby on the bad days, broken down, some days you manage to trudge your way out of bed and into the daytime, empty but there,
Worse, the days where you can’t get up. Where you open the window and stare out into the garden you’ve always seen and you let the sadness and elusive sleepiness win until you’re exhausted with sleep.
Days where blades help you feel and help the anger inside you escape when the blood bubbles through your torn skin.

My baby the overthinking will drive you crazy, where the concept of an ear is weird even when he whispers sweet nothings into them and tucks that little stray piece of hair behind them.
Where *** is a mechanism by which sounds so wrong but feels so right but baby do not use it to cure the sadness.
It will always win.  

My baby home is haunting.
The ghosts of who you used to be haunt you, taunt you, and the love you used to feel is gone. Home isn’t home. Home is a house in the hillside.
Home is the space between his arms where your head rests against his chest and he breathes in to smell the coconut in your hair, home is the way he stares at you and smiles, home is the way he plays video games with you in his lap, home is his dilated pupils, home is the weird way you hold hands on the train, home is short jokes and home is when he looks at you as if you
You
You my baby
Are just absolutely spectacular
Even when you feel like a fleck of dust on this pointless world.

My baby though he is home, mental illness and distress isn’t pretty.
Panic attacks and ugly crying in public isn’t pretty. The disability of breathing isn’t pretty. Being perched over a toilet bowl isn’t pretty. Not eating for days isn’t pretty. Pulling out clumps of hair isn’t pretty. Being clumsy because you are so anaemic isn’t pretty. Passing out isn’t pretty. Wrist scars and bloodstained sheets aren’t pretty.
Being sick isn’t pretty.

Baby I wish we’d stopped when we knew.

Baby I wish help meant something because though you’ve tried,
Nothing gets through.

Baby when it rains it pours, and through every storm I have you, my hand is there to hold.
So we’ll call Noah’s arc and we’ll start a new world.
I know you’re hurting.
But my baby I promise one day we’ll be safe.
No longer shipwrecked.
My baby one day
One day
We’ll be free.

i steal your shirt that i know you didn't wash
just for me.
i wear your shirt and it turns into the embodiment of safety  
and i wear it to sleep in your bed;
and takes me back to that safe place when i am alone in my own.
i steal your shirt for the smell and the feel
the knowing that its touched your skin now mine
the smell, oh
the smell puts me to sleep faster than the pills do
and the love.
love in each and every fibre.
I sit here with the fabric pressed against my nose
breathing it in
breathing you in
because although you are not here
when i need you
you are here

who knew fabric could smell so sweet.

She is the ocean
Between two warring islands
Not involved in the conflict, yet
Most of the gunfire hit the water
Belongs to both, yet
Neither shall pick up the white flag
To save the ocean from drowning herself
Polluted and corrupted, yet
The perceived saviours are really just pirates
On little boats, but who dares cross the sea.
Can't you see that she's damaged enough?
Real saviours offer no solution,
Offer no ignorant reaffirmations of
It'll all be fine, because
They know that forcing the sunlight onto the sea
Will only burn her, yet
A slow shed of light shall warm her.
I am the ocean
Between two warring islands.
And my soul is lost at sea.

Kiss me under thousands of suns
Kiss me on rooftops music loud
Kiss me in the light of the morning
And in the moonlight under a rain cloud

Friday's at yours are special to me
Whether we're going out to the theatre
Whether we stay in to watch movies
Friday's at yours are special to me
It always starts with tea and ends with a kiss
and theres always a cuddle or three
Friday's at yours are special to me
You are my stormboy
You are my light
Friday's at yours are special to me
You are all my favourite love songs
You are the epitome of safety and fearless
Friday's at yours are special to me
Curled up, no matter where we go
In your arms safe and calm and happy and
free.
Friday's at yours are special to me
We laugh and kiss and look and love
We discover new things about each other.
Friday's at yours are special to me
you play with my hair and I scratch your back
and we kiss like nobody else exists
Friday's at yours are special to me
you walk me out in just your socks,
kiss me tenderly,
wave goodbye.
Friday's at yours are special to me
Going home, leaving you alone in your room
kills me. all I wish is to fall asleep in your arms and
not have to wake up
alone
Friday's at yours are special to me
i get home and we're still talking
talk until we fall asleep
alone
but happy
Friday's at yours are special to me

/hold me close and kiss me numb
under an empty star-filled sky.
breathe me in and exhale the ghosts of your past
let them go
I know we both have our demons but
baby tonight
tonight lets lay them to rest and dance
in a bed that isn't ours and let's make
tonight baby
no, let's make the rest of our lives baby
let's make love tonight./

He stands at the foot of the bed tall and strong
Looking intensely at my naked body as if he is figuring out a maths problem
but instead of numbers he subtracts clothes and divides my legs and adds a little bit of his soul, a slow pour of himself into me.
for I don't know how long, a minute? ten? an hour?
we become one body
one body rattled with pain and sweat and lust and ecstasy and desire and pleasure and him and me
us

he holds my hand, eager and tender when I need it.
And when we are done he smiles at me, tells me he loves me and
we both walk down the stairs naked to shower
not only our bodies but our hearts too
for you help complete mine

*** is just *** but this is so much more in every way.
you once said to me that
you'd had *** but you hadn't made love
i hope i changed your mind.

Hi.
You know better than anyone that I hate to be a coward
But I also hate confrontation.
You see I don’t see this conversation being any better face to face.
And after all, you know me better than most,
Better than everyone really
So you know this isn’t easy for me.
We’ve been through a lot together. Some good ups, some horrific downs.
But I think I’m done.
I can’t do this to myself anymore.
I can’t keep sacrificing myself and my happiness for you.
I can’t keep breaking down because of something you’ve said
Things you’ve made me do
You’ve worn me down, let me lean on you through my darkest times.
But I think I’m strong enough now to stand on my own two feet. I think I’m strong enough to let you go, to remove you from my life, for a better me.
We’ve been together so long now that you’re inhibited a steady portion of my life, but I just, I don’t think I can be this unhappy anymore.
So I’m letting you go. Setting you free. I can’t be what you need and I’m sorry.
I’ve slept in your bed of regrets and I’m ready to wake up
This is hard for me. I never thought I’d get to this place but I’m here and you can’t be here with me.
I’m not happy and I’m sorry
I don’t love you and I’m sorry
I never have

The place between your arms is where I belong
Falling asleep to some stupid cliched love song
We laugh, grin, then share a small kiss
A small free kiss in the dark.

The place between your arms is where I belong
I say I don't feel pretty and you strive to prove me wrong
Point out the pieces of me you say are perfect
And baby for you that's all of me.

The place between your arms is where I belong
That for thy right myself will bear all wrong.
We make love and poetry all in the same ways
For love with us is everything to me.

There are no words no expression clear
To express my love for you, my dear
So hold true the pieces of my heart
And so will I, my dear sweetheart.

“You’ve almost been ***** twice now!”
As if
It is an indication
Of my strength

and lack of it.

She says

everything

is currency

and I couldn’t agree less.

I get mad at you and it feels like storms brewing inside me
But you are not the cause
Merely an attempt at a sweet remedy
Sit still and wonder.
Know that I miss you and I’m not sure how
Or what to do with these emotions see I haven’t felt
Anything
In quite a while and this, well this is a tsunami when I’d hoped to start with just a
Wave.
Of clarity the storm clouds I wished would clear became stronger because now
Now
I can feel but it means I can feel sadness and regret and hurt and anxiety and missing you.
A lot stronger than
Before.
Know that I love you and what is more than that is that  
I feel that too now.
You make me feel alive but being alive does not just mean happy please
Please
Try and understand the madness and if you cannot please
Try and accept it.
For I want nothing more than to love you with this fire in my belly rather than be angry
Mad
Hurt at words you aren’t saying
Keep me at bay.
Keep me still.
Keep me calm.
You are my remedy
And being away is giving my time to think and see how ******* blessed I am and then
Then
I get mad and how
How can I treat this one this special one like he
Should know me when it’s been months
Of course he doesn’t.
At least he wants to learn.
Learn me each and every crevice in my mind every little loop of despair
And I wonder to myself now;
If I asked him what colour I loved
Would he know the answer?
Being away from you is hard when service means a shoddy good morning text at noon; a photo is a “look where I am today” and a call comes from the ****** phone box that takes my golden coins
But ******* I need your voice more than wealth so
I
Miss
You
And I don’t know how to comprehend it but my instinct is to push you as far away as I can stomach
So I can stop missing you
Quite so much.
So believe me when I say misplaced emotion betrays me and I’m sorry
I’m sorry
I’m trying  
I love you.
More than you know.

** bisogno di te,
** bisogno che tu mi baci sotto un milione di stelle

dimmi che ne hai bisogno anche tu.

i just wanna make you so **** happy
you cant help but show me off to the world

i just wanna make you need me so
you kiss me like the oxygen you need

i just wanna make you love me
like im the only one for you.

You make me feel
and want to be
alive

Let me be your phone a friend
When you feel like you're going to lose
Yourself

im angry.

i have no right to be.

but im stressed and im scared and im alone and im worried
about you
i should be worried about my exams pushing myself to the very breaking point breaking down breaking through
alas i spend my hours in an exhausted mess trying to think of how
how
how to fix you.
and im angry.
because you give advice you dont take
we all do
and im angry
because as much as i try
to put pieces together and be there for you and give you space and fix your problems and be your escape
i cant
not like you need me to
maybe we dont fit
maybe i cant cope with your stress outs and maybe you get sick of my constant sadness and maybe one day one of us will just get up and leave.
and this time not come back.
see i love you like an addiction but i see how you'll ruin me
i see how much detoxing from you is going to **** me
you will **** me
and i cant get the image of you leaving out of my head and im angry

because 'please baby' wont appease you
'stay' wont make you
'i love you' wont mean anything to you

im scared of you and im angry
im scared of you
and what you do to me
because who else could make me fall half as fast but twice as hard as the last?
who else can set me on fire yet provide the ******* salvation
im scared of you
im scared youll break me

and maybe heartaches meant to
but thing is i think you can walk away unfuckingscathed and oh **** baby
that makes me angry.

i say fix you like its a problem about you but its not about you its about your situation but thing is the way i see the word fix ?
youll push me further and further away
you warned me
so i cant be angry
but how far can i be pushed before i walk away
defeated
you warned me
and i can promise to be your saviour but im not sure
how
and that makes me angry
i want to be your saviour
and the truth is no matter how far you push me ill always always be there when you come back
no matter if were not together
if its 10 years down the track and i barely remember your name but i remember your lips and the marks you left on me and the words you said and the way you make me feel and how much my heart jumps when you look at me and how much i love you

how much i love you

thats the thing

im angry because i care
im angry because im scared
because i love you
and ive never loved someone like i love you
so when i say im angry
i mean
please dont leave.

...

i still get cravings when i'm happy

...

Fourteen never tasted you
But I still need you like a crutch
Like something to keep me afloat when I feel like
I'm drowning

You see, the pretty, skinny girls
The ones who are allowed to fall apart
Pieces of you they exhale
Leave a solemn marker on this saddened planet.

You see, pretty skinny girls
The ones who suit anorexia so **** well
Wear a pretty shade of starving
And cry themselves to sleep within stark hospital walls

You see, pretty skinny girls
The ones who don't take up any space
Praised for their alternative music and long socks because
Hey.
At least they're alive.

Do you see how different we are.
We are the freedom seekers who never get justice
We are the ones that got left behind
We are the ones who's diagnosis didnt fit
Simply because our numbers didnt
Into the category of deathly

I need you like a crutch
Because nothing I have
and nothing I am
Quite equates to their criteria of needing help.
No matter how quietly i whisper to you under bedsheets
Or scream it out to my father, those three words
That are already hard enough to ******* admit
no
no.
They are still.
Still.
Not enough for you.

I need help.

Fourteen learned to roll cigarettes when she was seven
But made an oath to herself of never ever
but now she needs a salvation

It's like I've been fighting the ocean for long enough
Finally decided c i cant fight alone anymore
Yet the lifeguards only saved the one who was visible in the sea
Oblivious to the fact fourteen was on the brink
Of drowning in her own tears.

Fourteen looks up to the sky and counts the stars
Like marlboro lights she counts the flamed atmosphere
Wondering how life could get worse than this.
And she waits for something to come
something to save her
A helping hand or a speeding car
Lying in the middle of the road often carried that risk.


She's in love with him and its a ******* tragedy
She doesnt know if shes too much for him or not enough
She's being abused and its a ******* tragedy
She doesnt know if the bruises shes acquiring are just in her head
She's losing touch with her friends and its a ******* tragedy
She knows they arent paying attention.

So what more can she do
But dream of feeding herself to the ocean
A current in place of a current affair and
A slow and fulfulling peace.

Fourteen stares at the sky with the
soft ripples of sand beneath her feet
counts the stars like marlboro lights
takes a breath, and gives herself  
One
more
chance

you tell me to call you any time
but even that has its limits
i cant stop you from living your life
when i dont want to live mine

im sorry
that i hurt you
yet again
i am
lost in
trying
to be a
better person

it
was
all
a
pretty
lie

She asks how i do it.
How i love you with such a
fierosity
but also such an 'i dont care' tainted calm

I tell her its nothing
nothing of experience and
nothing of being 'prepared'
not something you learn from a book
but something you learn from love.

i love him with such a fire in my heart
that sometimes i choke in the smoke
and it leaves me breathless

when he runs his fingers up my thigh and
kisses me slowly
teasing me,
tainting my lips with the fresh taste of
strawberries and mint.

a fire brews in my belly
and as my eyes roll to the back of my brain
lulled in ecstacy and desire
and never quite being able to pull him close enough
to be satisfied

when i look in his eyes and see
passion
raw
*******
passion
as we make eachother lose ourselves
between the bedsheets we play between

when he texts me
how much he needs me
my lips
my hips
between his arms
in a dim winter morning
my heart skips a beat and the thought
of him
plagues my mind all ******* day.

i love him like a fire that is not phased by
rain
or tears
in fact we love stronger through it all.
for if i am gasoline he is the spark
that ignites us
and leaves us burning through the night.

but i love him calm too
calm like safety
a boat softly rocking on the horizon
under a starry night
where the moon shines for you
for me
for an us we indulge ourselves in

what we cant seem to accept
is the sheer fact of
we deserve this.
we
are
deserving
of
this
love

and what matters not is
how
or where
but ask away my love because i love feeling
like you cant believe how
******* ******* lucky we are
to have found a home
in such a broken place

i love him calm because
he fills the spaces of me
i believed would stay empty
but **** it feels good
to feel closer to whole

i love him calm because i know
i dont overwhelm him
as much as i overwhelm myself

i love him calm because
he is human
and deserving of everything
happy and free
and maybe
maybe
i can be that

loving him calm isnt about not caring
its not about the
'he can wait for now, im with you'
as its not out of care
its out of a pact to stay more in the moment
and i know he understands

he brings a calm to my chaos

he hasnt seen the best of me
but i love him calm because he
holds me close when i need him
and when i dont
and when i call him falling apart
he answers
tells me to stop apologising
reaches through the line to dry
the tears
cascading down my freckled cheek.

i love him calm because i
dont need to fight for his affection
or love
or attention
i love him calm because when i need
a break from those things
he does his best  

we're a fire and an ocean
we are the sum of the sun and sky
and we are both the thunder that rocks the earth
and the lightning that burns the sky bright

and i wouldnt change it for the world

My soul
sighs
with
peace
tranquility
and
safety
whenever i
see
you

I don’t want
I love you
To turn into
A common commodity
An overused expression
Of sorry.

I am lulled by your ecstasy
and your desire

                                            Hold me close.
    


                                                                        before i shatter

Ill sink into you
not because you asked me to
not because i let go of myself

ill sink into you because i want to
and i need to
i need you