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Shannon Nov 2020
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you give her everything
you told me you couldn't give me

small things like
an insta post or bears and movies

maybe M isn’t e over c2
maybe I just wasn’t enough

maybe she’s worth more than
I could ever have hoped
to be.



- I was once your winter girl
Shannon Nov 2020
and you make me want to write poetry again
not the good kind
I find myself back here every once in a while to find
we’re still gone
you and I aren’t who we used to be and yeah
its great being friends but it hurts to see you happier
with the better version of me
because we like the same music and have the same wants
but she has you now and I’m lost and forgot
what it was like to hold your hand
its been a year my dear
and I'm happier too
with the boy I left you in the dust for
I will never forgive my course of actions
though approved of and signed by you
I should’ve seen the signs of your unhappiness
and discontent
when you sat on the rock instead of dancing with her
though she wanted you
we ****** that night under the stars but
I don’t think you wanted to mean it
and I dont think you ever forgot but how could you
how could I
see past the love I had to chase a dream of mine that ultimately
crushed us too
selfish wants and selfish ways you say
you forgive me
but that can’t be true when I watched you cry in anger
and 3 months later
we screamed in each others faces while I packed up my stuff
and moved back out to the place id finally escaped from
into your arms because you were better than the death I had planning
because it was you or the ocean and you knew that
and I sit back here and im still in this place
and she hasn’t changed and I lost you
and I lost your family that once was our family
and I lost my nieces and I lost my sanity
once again but you aren’t to blame
no
I am the one who tore our love to shreds
I am the one who needed more
I am the one who burnt the bridges that saved me
back on my deserted island of
‘home’
but you know home is *******

I love him.

but you
you taught me how to love
you taught me it was okay to be vulnerable
you taught me that for once
love didn’t have to be violent
that it could be soft like summer rain
the thunderstorms we’d cuddle up in
rearranging our room to be a little cubby just for us
love could be
okay
it could be okay

and you said you had me and I trusted that because you did
and then I ****** it up
and you sit at parties of our mutual friends telling me that’s not what happened and it was, M, it was what happened
I threw out the loving family I finally had and christmases that were joy and not manipulation
I threw out what I treasured most and ****
you’ve changed
you’re not the same person I fell in love with so why
is it so ******* hard
to actually let you go
why is it so hard to watch you turn your back
to walk into her arms
call her perfect
beautiful

I wish I could say I dont know where I went wrong

do the things I wanted with you with her and
that hurts too
long hair and **** watching ****** movies and you planning dates
and she gets that

cool

you say I taught you things like that
but did I
or was it when you finally found someone that would make your heart spin thats when she deserved that
you have a job now so you pay
and I always did but she loves you better so thats just that isn’t it

we both know im not the one running though
and my inner demons begin to show
and I cant state my point without yelling
and you cant yell back
and I thought I needed that

its been a year.

how

how have I not gotten over you yet
how am I so content yet so
destroyed by the thought of you

I listen to our song
the one we recorded for each other before you left
without knowing we both had
and I sit here with tears in my eyes because its been a year and hey there Delilah still makes me cry thinking about your voice crack
when you cried
for me

maybe in another year ill be fine
and I dont know why im not
this site feels like our place
I miss you

I miss you like summer rain
and I miss being your winter girl
but I miss who you were
not who you are now
but im glad were still friends.
Shannon Oct 2020
I still look at you like you put stars in the sky
I swore to myself that this would be easy
But I sit here in another’s bed asking why
I feel queasy and ****** and not at all breezy
Shannon Oct 2020
he used to be my everything
bright like summer rain
he has a new girl now and
things just aren’t the same

she says that she loves him
utterly and truely she swore
and it hurts to watch him love her
as if it wasn’t you before
Shannon Aug 2020
I sat alone in this house for a month
haunted by millions of ghosts
in the walls, in the floors,
in all of my draws
I sat alone in this house afraid
dreading the last call of the night
where all would leave and I remain
alone

I sat in this house longing
for the constant company I once had
and craved the sounds of home
yet I forget that home
is the sounds of yelling and power and
all of the things that make me want to be small

I sat in this house free
walking around in nothing but ******
not trapped in my room fighting hopelessness
trying to will myself into doing something
anything
hoping the darkness doesn’t win

you can’t be bad for a month
she screams at me, for I used all the towels
and didn’t wash them
because sadness held me down and even
breathing was hard once the people left
and the ghosts remain

I fear for the paradox
if I am unable to be alone
yet perish when they return
where do I thrive
where do I live without these
rocks that have made my ribcage their home
pulling my chest closer and closer to the floor
and begging stagnation to stay

if I am unable to be alone yet
crave blood when they return
where do I live
for here is not living


this is not a home
this is a house plagued by ghosts
some of which with heartbeats
some of which smell like honey and flowers
sickly and sweet

this is not a home
this is a house plagued by
ghosts
and one of those ghosts
is me
Shannon Aug 2020
and I laugh and look back and smile and rejoice in the fact that
you don’t write about her like you wrote lines about me
romantic poetry
in fact you don’t write at all
anymore

and then I frown
because neither do I
Shannon Apr 2020
learn how he likes his coffee;
moka espresso black with a single sugar,
a cappuccino or a flat white if he’s out
(he knows the only espresso better than his is his nonno’s)
learn how to make it, the brand of espresso he uses, how much he puts in, the flick of his wrist when he puts the sugar in.
The first sip, the gentle smile that he shares with the world.
contento.

learn his family. his mother is overprotective and his father likes to put his foot in his mouth. it’s a trait in him you learn to love, and love the fact he passed it to his son.
learn that he has a troubled past, the love child of two divorces, he feels like the symbol of heartbreak. assure him that he is so much more than what happened before he was born.

learn his brothers. learn the heartache that comes with breakups when drugs and two little angels get involved. love those two girls with all your heart. they need a nurturing force in their life and it breaks my heart but I can’t be that anymore.
the older one wants to be taught. information and knowledge excites her, teach her about the sky and the moon. spend the time teaching her. she may annoy you temporarily but her hugs are like gold.
the younger one loves games, and stealing half of your breakfast even when she swore she wasn’t hungry. get her to trust you and shell sprint to you every time she sees you. I’d give anything to see her again.

learn Sunday lunches. you’ll never get him to miss one, but take this as a sign of devotion to his family, and for what he loves most. go with him to them, but ALWAYS say hello to nonna or so help you god. remember that pasta is an entree in this culture. his uncle will make a crude joke, his cousins will be the most lovely girls you’ll ever meet. his aunt will sometimes be racist but don’t worry, he will set her straight.

learn his culture. pasta is a given, but so is the word ’no’. he will spend a lot of time cooped up in his room, encourage him to spend more time outside. he secretly loves the sunshine, as long as he has enough deodorant on. attempt the language. language is a big passion of his. Italian is beautiful, treat it with respect

he will love walks if they’re with you. find a pretty view and he will insist you’re prettier. his frequent compliments, he means every one of them. don’t let them lose meaning. all are genuine. say thank you.

twirl around the kitchen when you make late night tea and never ever forget to drink it.

let him game for as long as he wants. he will crawl into bed with you when he’s done and he’ll appreciate the time for himself. don’t forget that he loves you.

lay on his bare chest. he loves skin to skin. aircon on, he loves being cold then curling up under covers.

spoon him from time to time. protect him. hold him tight. hands through his hair.

he loves back scratches when he hugs you. he’ll ask for it if you forget, but ******* don’t. you remembering will put him at ease

find ways for him to express his anger. he doesn’t know how to so it sits in his chest and broods. *** helps. throwing things at the wall helps.

he will have meltdowns. he puts so much on his plate at once, and he can handle it, but he needs his downtime. encourage him to stop studying, to read or game or workout, something that isn’t for anybody else but him. hug him, tell him everything will still workout if he takes half an hour to cool off.

he loves finding new music. let him play it in the car when you drive.

keep hand sanitiser in your purse. he hates sticky hands.

he loves waffles. do with that what you will.  

surprise him with tea that you find interesting. he’ll love the thought.

intricate gifts mean a lot to him, but it's not hard to remind him of your love. leave notes in his room, long, short, post it notes. write him poetry. call him with good news. call him with bad news. call him in the bath. call him to tell him you love him.

cherish him.

never let a day go by without telling him you love him.

dont let him go like I did. don’t let your selfish desires **** his soul. love him with all your heart. never take him for granted. never take his quietness for anger. never let him go to sleep feeling unloved. stay up with him when hes upset. dress up for him. surprise him with visits but call when youre close by, just incase. never let him out of your grasp. never ever hurt him. he cant dance but tell him to be free with you. sing in the car with him. compliment his singing, its ******* impressive. if he writes you a song memories the words and sing it in the car when youre sad. I still do.

love him with everything you have.

he deserves the world.

give it to him.
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