I met my 12-year-old self for coffee
to talk about our lives

"I hate the world and my family
no one listens or helps
everyone hurts me
I'm trapped here
and I self harm everyday
my emotions are treated as manipulations
I feel so alone
I think about dying on the daily
please help me" they said

"please believe that there is hope
you have a new family
and a loving one at that
suicide is not something we think about anymore
we've been clean from self harm for over 130 days
we made more friends
we don't get bullied
or abused
life is worth living
and we strive to be better and heal every day" I said

I wish I was in love
and to have them love me back
I wish I could send them "good morning" and "good night" texts
I wish I could spam them with videos
I wish I could hold their hands
I wish I could hug them, kiss them, laugh with them
I wish I wasn't so lonely
I'm always told that I need to love myself before I can truly love someone
but how can I love all my rough edges and sharp thorns
how can I love someone like me
I can love others
I don't see their flaws or if I do, it makes them perfectly imperfect
I see all my flaws and shortcomings
I can love the whole world if need be
but I don't leave any for me
I don't feel myself worthy of love
But I wish I was in love
I could love them
and cherish them
I wish they would love me
and cherish me
and accept that I am not a girl
it sounds like a fantasy
it seems nothing like the harsh reality
the harsh reality of loneliness and abandonment and heartbreak and transphobia

8 years of therapy
therapist after therapist
nothing worked
I gained all the skills I needed
at psych wards
I never used the tools given
from the psych wards
but today is the day
therapy is not helpful
for me
but I will write my new beginnings
use the skills
do research
take my meds
and heal
I will do it by myself
because I have learned
that I am the only person
that I can rely on

sometimes when I talk
my brain moves faster than my mouth
leading to jumbled up words and stutters
most people don't care what I have to say
so I stay silent
barely a word slips from my lips
you can say I'm shy
but what do I have to say
if nobody listens

the loneliness glides over my skin
burrows deeps
and settles into my bones
no matter what I do
it never leaves
I could talk all day to everybody
I could have a million friends
but I would still feel the same
lonely
soul chilling loneliness
never ceasing

it's quite lonesome by myself
no one to talk to
no one to hang out with
so, I detach from reality
engrossed in my phone
or my tv
disappearing into another world
to escape from my loneliness
my bed is my vessel to transport me
into another setting
tv shows and instagram
are my loophole
else I wallow in despair
as the loneliness seeps into my bones

obsessive or pure
deadly or wholesome feeling
suffer or embrace

I am a misfit
and I'm okay with that
I mean, I have to be
I don't want to blend in
and be the same as everyone else
I don't like clean girl makeup
but it's okay if you do
I like bold makeup
and it's okay if you don't
I am unique and different
sure, it might be hard to make friends similar to me
but I'd rather have little to no friends
by being myself
than having lots of friends
by being someone else
I may be lonely now
but it's even lonelier being someone you're not
I'm a misfit
and I'm okay with that

my love will be my downfall
I'm like a moth to the flame
getting too close
and my wings get singed
he is the flame
I hope he doesn't burn me
my love will be my downfall
I'm like a bee getting drunk on nectar
woozily flying around
until I'm squashed
my love will be my downfall
or maybe
this time will be different

Nova
my baby girl
such beautiful fluffy black fur
so talkative with her little meow
needy and clingy
following me around the house
giving me ***** looks for petting other cats

Luna
such a crazy girl
wide manic eyes
furry tuxedo so fluffy and soft
chaotic and psychotic
loves getting her **** smacked
my mama's baby

Gizmo
such a handsome boy
so kind and loving
will cuddle everyone
always wants attention
sleek black fur with a white dot on his neck
so loving and loveable

Caesar
an introverted boy
such orange soft fur
quiet and reserved
loves belly rubs
doesn't quite like me
my dad's baby

The noise in my head is getting louder
Blocking out the world
It’s an infection
Seeping into my veins
It increases my paranoia
Letting criticism push me down
I put on my “I’m fine” mask
And become a performer once again
My reckless behaviors that made me bleed
Are no longer me
I don’t want to die necessarily
I just don’t want to face my fears
And feel out of control
My soul is nervous
To be integrated into society

you know something i think about often
i don't have a personality
i just mimic others
the people i interact with
i mirror their personality
i mirror their texting language
i mirror the phrases or terms they use
i mirror their body language
i mirror their actions
their beliefs
their interests
their jokes
i mirror them
until i am just a patchwork personality of a million others that aren't mine
but you can't tell me to be myself when there isn't a self to be
I'm an empty shell, a husk of a person
there's nothing inside my heart
i have no personality
there is no me to be
and no matter how hard i search inside of me
there is nothing to be found
i am nothing
i am empty
i have no personality
i can't be myself when there is no self to be
who am i if nothing but everyone around me

I want to sink my teeth into your flesh
forever tasting you
I want to weld our bodies together
forever in your embrace
I want to sew your hand to my hand
forever intertwined
I want to glue our lips together
forever kissing you

I love too hard and get attached too easily
I get hurt and obsessive
but I pour my entire soul into the relationship

anxiety runs through my veins
self-destructive thoughts swirl in my head
my hands tremble
tears blur my vision
bone deep loneliness sends chills down my body
I feel so alone
I text people
but it's all in vain
I get left on delivered
for hours upon hours
a heaviness settles in my chest
maybe they don't want anything to do with me
maybe they were pretending to be my friend
maybe I'm annoying them with my problems
maybe I'm nothing to them
tears spill down my face
I hold in my sobs
my phone taunts me
with the texts marked as delivered
I can't do this
I feel so alone
I feel like a burden
with all this overthinking

the past
blood-covered thighs and arms
drip drip dripping on the blade
stinging showers
long sleeves in the summertime
unsticking clothes from my limbs
wincing when laying on the wrong side

the present
healed scars litter my body
retired blades no longer kiss my skin
painless showers
t-shirts all the time
smiles no longer forced
recovery

Amethyst crystals shining in the sunlight
Violet skies in the dusky night
Lavender flowers arranged in a glass vase
Lilac clouds floating in the vibrant sunset
Indigo seas reflecting the dark sky
Plum fruits hanging from the sturdy branches
Fuchsia trees clustered in the deep forest
Magenta lipstick smeared across a smile
Orchid plants flowing in the cool breeze

reality is very jarring
it's so different from my books
I love the escape
all the different worlds I can experience
so much better than reality

my parents
my cats
my friends
the chance to fall in love
freshly baked cookies
sunsets/sunrises
books
the chance to be successful
laughter/smiles
music
dandelions blooming in spring
raspberry chip cheesecake ice cream
relaxing walks
my future pitbull
mama's homemade mac n cheese
rainy days
baking
warm blankets on cold nights
tv shows
prove you deserve to live
thrive in spite of former family

I tuck a strand of your hair behind your ear
you cup my jaw
and bring my lips to yours
our legs intertwined
I kiss you like my life depends on it
our breath becomes one
your warm body presses against mine
then I wake up all alone
in my bed
the room dark
loneliness creeps in
sadly, it was just a dream

i cried out for help
my head bobbing up and down
as the waves threatened to pull me under
no one heard my pleas for rescue
my body grew tired
and i started sinking
water filled my lungs
and my vision began blackening
i floated at the bottom of the ocean
then suddenly
a rush of energy surged through my limbs
i swim to the surface
and fresh air never felt sweeter
before i know it
i'm at the shore
i flop onto the sand
and relax
with the knowledge
that no one will save you
save yourself

my scars
should I be ashamed of them
the answer isn't clear
but what I know is
that I find them beautiful
they may not have came from beauty
but they grew to be

the scars erupted from pain and misery
I was searching for an escape
an outlet for my despair
I found it in blades

they marred my skin
but I love them so
I don't want to be judged for them
but I find beauty in the pain

at school, I barely say a word
I like to be unheard
they laugh at me
very indiscreetly
I hate it
I wish they would quit
my anxiety knows no bounds
my heart erratically pounds
I don't speak in fear
because they make fun of what they hear
the whispers, the laughter
at home, I'll replay it after
I pretend not to notice
but my anger and embarrassment threaten to surface

tedious and monotonous
not retaining the useless information
keeping my head down
so people won't talk to me
if they do
I fear it won't be nice
students avoid me
and that's fine by me
they aren't very courteous to begin with
I finish my work in a flash
then dive into my book
teachers like me
and students come to me for help
I quite like this interaction

tick tick tick
the clock is ticking
closer and closer the day will come
when I leave this school
and never look back
I'll look ahead
at my future
and my new beginning
a fresh start where I can be myself
freely without the fear of judgement
going to a more accepting college
where my identity is more than
a cruel joke
to be used against me

every school I've attended
has had the same problem
they shape the school system for the majority
the minority has to suffer
for the lack of accommodations
the school subjects have always been easy for me
but the pace at school is so slow
I finish early
and am put at a lower level than what I can do
the way school is set up
is wrong in my opinion
it should be customized to each student
I struggle to thrive in school
due to how it's set up
I work fast and independently
school works slowly and with groups
I can't succeed
if I have to wait for everyone to catch up

you emailed me
it was in my spam
i deleted it without reading it
part of me yearns to know what it said
to feel your arms wrapped around me
but my heart seems to forget how angry and dangerous those hands could be
it wants to feel his warm lips against mine
but seems to forget the lies and manipulation that oozed from them
why do i do this to myself
i don't deserve to be treated like that
i was viewed as something to be owned and dominated and used
not cared for or loved or protected
he pretended to care
but he just wanted my body
i need to drill that into my head so i don't end up with him again
he isn't the one
he is emotionally violent
verbally violent
physically violent
he is not to be trusted or let in again
i will not repeat my mistakes

deep red blood dripping onto the floor
bright red roses swaying in the breeze

orange prison jumpsuits walking in the yard
orange carved pumpkins on the porch

yellowed skin as kidneys fail
yellow sunshine streams through the window

dark green mold spores entering your lungs
vibrant green grass freshening the air

darkening blue ocean water pulling you under
clear blue sky calling peace to the turmoil

purple poison dart frog toxins seeping into your skin
purple flowers in bloom decorating the garden

the time has come
where wearing shorts
is reasonable for the weather
but alas
i cannot participate
cuz of my scars
i'm not ashamed of them
but people will judge me
when they see the word
"die" carved into my thigh
pants will eventually become uncomfortable
but i will persevere through it
i like my scars
they're pretty to me
but others don't think that way
shorts season is here
but i cannot participate

I wish I could say that I miss the simple times
but in truth, my younger self didn't live a simple life
so complex and fear-coated
I never had a time to be thoughtless and carefree
the sharp stabbing truth was I was never allowed to be young
to be happy and unburdened
I was made to work and slave away
to work my childhood dreams away
the tremendous weight of being a child adult chained to the ground
until my mind was grotesque with hatred and fear

these models in magazines and billboards
set unrealistic expectations for young girls
thinking they need to starve themselves
just to get the flat stomach
and hourglass figure
envying every girl they see
who they view as prettier than them
going to such extremes to fit the rapidly
changing beauty standards
leaving their youthful bodies behind
to go under the knife
and inject their face with fillers
just to be called beautiful
to feel beautiful
but then the standards change
and they don't feel beautiful anymore
they do more procedures
and exercise until they drop
until the standards are to be natural
and it feels like it was all for nothing
that they'll never be enough

when i tried to **** myself that night
something in my brain broke
i wasn't the same anymore
usually after a black and white episode
i can feel love for that person/people again
but when i woke up in the hospital after that attempt
that love was gone
i used to be able to feel love for some people and all animals
now i can't love humans anymore
i feel even less empathy for humans now than i did before
i can barely care about my friends
how can i care about anyone else
my heart is shriveled up and dead
it doesn't work anymore

have I found my soulmate
it's too early to tell
but I know that I love him
maybe I'm rushing it
but I always fall hard and fast
it can be my downfall
but I experience unadulterated love

one day I'll find my soulmate
I'll marvel at their eyes
so blue and deep like the ocean with waves that brush up against the damp sand
or so green and mysterious like the endless forest with echoes of birds calling out to each other
or so brown and bright like the earth that brings forth life and beauty
I'll write poems about their smile and their laugh
like the sun shone from their lips like the sound of ecstasy
I'd write never-ending ballads about their heart
so abundant with love
a kind word to say about everybody
one day I'll find my soulmate
and I'll love them like they've never been loved before

Spiteful, yes that is what I am
You think a diagnosis can wash away your sins
But you made me feel worthless and fat
You can try to spin the tale around
But you and I know what truly happened
Your rough heart cut me deep
I’m still bleeding to this day
I drown in my tears from the agony you gave me
Yet you pretend it never happened
You ignore my pain and brush it off
The facade of trying to connect with me crumbled
I see now what your true intentions were
To show that you spend time with all your kids
But I won’t forget the screaming and beatings
It seems worse that you did the abuse sober
No alcohol to make you violent
It was truly you
You can’t blame your diagnosis

morning dew coating the fresh grass
pitter pattering rain showers
green foliage growing on trees
flowers budding in gardens
sun shining in a cloudy sky
the air chilly and warm
nature rebirth
dancing in the rain
jumping in mud puddles
basking in the rays of light

many people are going on trips
traveling to other states or countries
having a vacation
in the sun on the beach

me on the other hand
what am I going to do?

I will lay in bed all day
binge watch tv
cuddle with my cats
stay up late

I may not be doing what others are
but I will still be having fun
I'll enjoy my spring break
but in my own way

blanket and pillows and snacks
chopped and dr pimple popper
tv and instagram and cats
late nights and laughter
sleeping in and staying in
pjs all day

as I travel along my healing journey
a thought nags in the back of my mind
what if my poems suffer
because I'm no longer suffering
what if my pain made masterpieces
and without it I'm nothing
what if I lose my writing ability
because I lost the agony
I don't want to suffer
but poetry is such a big part of me
my pain made it flourish
but what if I cannot do that any longer
I want to be known for my poetry
what am I without it
my pain helped my art
it made the words fly
out of my mind
but I will not let pain be my only motivator
I will find beauty in the world and in myself

do you ever feel so suicidal that you feel it in your body
my heart is shaky and pounding
my stomach is churning
my skin feels hot
my eyes are damp
my mind is racing and storming
i can't think coherently
except about…
“i really want to die”
“i don't want to be alive anymore”
“maybe this time it won't be an attempt but suicide”
“i can't do this anymore”
“let me die let me die please if there's a god out there let me die let me die **** me please”
“I'm so weak and pathetic”
“my whole life I've been abused and assaulted it haunts me”
“I'm suffering with every breath I take and every heartbeat it's shoved into my ******* face laughing that I'm still alive”
“I'm such a failure I can't even **** myself so pathetic 12 suicide attempts”

wet sand squelches between my toes
hot rays of sunshine beat against my skin
waves ripples in the lake
ice cream drips from the cone onto my hand
tank tops and shorts and swimsuits
sweet lemonade as the ice cubes clink in the glass
school's out and relaxing's in
walking through the cool forest
a relief from the sweltering sun
diving into the pool
and splashing your friends
refreshing breeze as the sun sets

at school not a word leaves my mouth
but if I decide to talk
I end up regretting it
my anxiety flares up
my face feels hot and prickly
my back heats up
my hands begin to tremble
my heart pounds in my chest
my breathing quickens
my surroundings don't feel real
so I press my lips together
and let myself stay the quiet kid

I remember that night
oh so clearly
our bodies so close
as I led you in a dance
your attire
matched you perfectly
so different in a sea of conformity
your smile lit up the room
I only had eyes on you
your quirky personality shined through
I remember that night
oh so clearly
I cherish the memory
and hold it close to my heart
as a smile erupts on my face
and a flush creeps on my cheeks

I wonder how I would've turned out
if I lived a different life
one without childhood trauma
and mental illness
one without severe anxiety
and self-consciousness
would I be happy
and carefree
how would I feel
would I have lots of friends
because I wouldn't be scared to talk to people
would I eat healthy
and not feel guilty when I have a sweet treat
would I be grateful to experience life
I don't know
but I can try to make it a reality now
I can't change what I went through then
but I can change what I'll do now
and in the future

the knife sat in the store hoping to be bought
it dreamed of being used to make these delicious meals
how useful it would be
then one day,
a man bought the knife
it was so excited to finally have a purpose
then much to it's dismay
the man who bought the knife
is a serial killer
the knife was being used to stab
and mutilate
and ****** other humans
the knife was filled with sorrow
and guilt
he wanted to be useful
but not like this

I'm in an underground labyrinth searching for the exit my whole life
everything seems like I took a wrong turn leading me deeper into the darkness
if I see light
how do I know if it's just a flashlight or a trick
or the sun the taste of freedom or liberation
do I follow the light and feed into the potentially false hope
and let me fall into despair once again
or do I even want to escape anymore
this labyrinth is all I know
what would I do with my life if I found the door leading me out
away from the horrors of my life
how would I even be able to adapt to this new life full of smiles and sunlight
maybe I'll stay here in my darkness
alone with my thoughts that torture me
yeah, it hurts but it's my normal
just like the scars on my arms
begging to be reopened
to have red spill down my wrists
to stain my sleeves
I can handle hoodies in the summer
If I've done it before
I can do it again
they all tell me to not do it again
but I don't want to listen to them
they say there are so many coping skills that will make you feel better
but those people haven't put a blade to their wrist and watched the blood trickle out
to feel the sting the adrenaline the pain
it's everything I need and want
don't take away something that actually helps me
I can swallow all these pills but that isn't gonna do anything good
if I hear “just be mindful” or “use mindfulness, it'll be the cure” one more time
I might scream until I go deaf and lose my voice
no one seems to listen to what I say
it's like I'm all alone in a crowded room no one sees me
they all look through me like I'm not even there
like I don't exist

I slashed at my thighs
with an anger buried deep inside
no one heard my silent cries
tears blurred my vision
so I wiped them away
and picked up the blade
I use my body as a canvas
and paint an image prettier than me
with my blood
it tells a tale of sorrow and woe
where the child knew nothing of love
so lost and alone
the blade was a comfort
the scars a reminder
a reminder of when life gets tough
and everyone leaves
you'll always have me
since 11 years old I've cut
cut my arms
cut my thighs
see the blood, look now you feel high
higher than depression can reach
now you're sad
let's do it again

day after day it is the same thing
the cars drive on top of me
and the humans walk all over me
it hurts so much
the pressure and pain dig deep
until I crack and bleed
the working humans patch me up
but it does nothing to relieve the pain
the long expanse of body cries out in agony
it's the same thing
but I never get used to it
the cars yell and jeer at me
as they run me over
they take pleasure in my pain
why me
what did I do to deserve this
unless just existing targets me
for the torture I endure on the daily

the sky so hauntingly beautiful
with all it's different faces
so pale and grey and somber
so vibrant and orange and joyous
so dark and purple and mysterious
so bright and blue and carefree
the sky has many faces
they change at will
with the change of the wind
the colors shift to show it's emotions
the sky so hauntingly beautiful

the urges are coming back
the urge to skip breakfast
to skip lunch
the urge to work out until dizzy
and lightheaded
the thoughts are getting strong
the thoughts about my weight
about my size
i wish i was never like this
but awful parents that were vocal about their and others weight gives you a complex
oh that poor seven year old me calling theirself fat

I saw an owl holding a cigarette
any wise words I asked him
he blew smoke into the air
why would I have any wisdom for you
he inquired
owls are considered wise creatures I tell him
well if that's the case, then let me tell you a few things
he took a drag from his cigarette

wisdom does not come from age
it comes from experiences

you could be 100 years old and live a sheltered life
you wouldn't have experienced any hardships to give any insight

on the other hand
you could be 20 years old and live a traumatic life
you would have experienced so much that insight comes easily

he took another drag of his cigarette
age is not an excuse for disrespect

just because you lived in a time where homophobia was okay
doesn't mean that you can continue to hate them now

aging is a time for growing
the times have changed and so should you