the words on my screen blur together
the voices are muted
everything feels strange
my eyes shift from object to object
never really focusing
flipping from tab to tab
hoping for something to latch onto
to feel real
everything feels weird

you say you're clingy
is that true?
maybe you are
but not with me
you say you love me
but I say that's too soon
if you claim to love me
please show it
cuz all I've gotten
are short replies
hours of silence
and no acknowledgement
of my existence
you say you love me
but that's too soon
you say you're clingy
is that true?

I'm doing better
but is my better good enough
yeah, I've been clean from self-harm for almost 3 months
but sometimes I think about it
I laugh easier
but I still feel lonely
my smiles are real
but I think about my eating way too much
I shouldn't discredit my wins
but all I can think of are my shortcomings
I wish I had positive thoughts
to go with my positive mood
I'm sad but I'm happy
it's quite the conundrum
I need to stop focusing on my downs
and praise my ups
I'm doing better now
I'm happier
more carefree
still anxious of course
but way better
I love the way I feel
and how I can appreciate the little things
like my motivation
I do so much more than I used to
I'm happy
but part of me thinks it's a ruse
that something bad is going to happen
that part of me might be right
but it also might be wrong

do I want to die
or do I want the flashbacks to go away
do I want to die
or do I want the trauma to go away
do I want to die
or do I want to not hate myself
do I want to die
or do I want to not get older
do I want to die
or do I want to not live in fear
do I want to die
or do I want the paranoia to go away
do I want to die'
or do I want the severe anxiety to go away
do I want to die
or do I want to eat without worrying about my weight
do I want to die
or do I want to feel whole again
do I want to die
or do I want to escape my problems
my mental illness
my crippling loneliness
my fear
my uncertainty
the unknown future
do I want to die
or do I want the pain to go away

do you ever think that
the world is so messed up
that it should be blown up
and start anew
a new beginning
a clean slate
to do better this time
to reverse the mistakes made
the world is awful
and we made it that way
maybe humans are the problem
maybe it's our fault
maybe the world is
better off without us
destroying everything we touch

I love writing
whether it's poetry
or creating stories
it would be a dream come true
if I could do this for a living
but the voice in the back of my head
is dubious
it tells me things that bring my hope down
what if I'm not good enough at this
what if no one likes my words
what if I lose my passion
and I'm left with nothing
but dubious thoughts

eclectic that's how I'd describe myself
different from the rest
not in a pick me way
just in a way that I don't even try
and I'm different
I don't do it to impress someone
I like poetry and writing
I like wearing bold and eccentric makeup
I like wearing heaps of homemade jewelry
I like being me
I like laughing loud and hard
until I can't breathe
I like acting weird
and driving my parents crazy
from my quirky acts of love
I like being myself so hard
that only the real ones stay

I have trouble with emotions
I can't feel them correctly
either I feel too much
or nothing at all
it could be because of my past
when I suppressed my emotions
day after day
emotions meant danger
he was volatile
and showing emotions
could end up with
him in a fit of rage
I walked on eggshells
to avoid his wrath
now I struggle with emotions
it's safe to feel them now
but my body no longer
knows how to properly
it's an all or nothing situation
it's quite draining

empathy
something I struggle with
I'm not heartless
or lacking kindness
I just don't know how
to put myself in other's shoes
I can't see their pain
in their perspective
I see it my way
not theirs
it's a struggle
I want to be understanding
but I just can't
I wish I could be
more empathetic
but alas
I'm just a misunderstood fool

I don't expect to get encomium
on social media
however
I hate the negativity
on social media

I am an erudite person
I have a thirst for knowledge
and I yearn to learn more and more
the internet is there for me
to explore all my interests
and ingest the information
I am an erudite person
I want to fill my brain
with interesting facts
and morbid facts

my sadness is evanescent
soon I will forget how it made me feel
I used to feel empty everyday
now I feel joy and contentment
my sadness is evanescent
drifting away
out of my memory
the feeling of sadness
will be a foreign emotion

eyes
the window to your soul
such gorgeous objects
that hold onto my heart

the beautiful deep abyss of darkness eyes
the enchanting sea blue of the clear sky eyes
the gorgeous forest green of nature-loving eyes
the captivating honey-colored sunshine eyes
the stunning earth-toned life-breathing eyes

all eyes are beautiful to me
no matter the color

I hate this feeling
your feelings are fading
aren't they?
I can tell
or maybe I'm overthinking
I can't tell
but to ask you
you might lie
to save my feelings
you went from giving me
your time of day
and conversation flowed
like a river
now I initiate everything
and you seem distant
I hate this feeling
the not knowing
the feeling I ruined everything
I could ask you
how you feel
but would it change anything?
maybe it would confirm
my worst fears
that you lost feelings
due to my insecurities
pressuring you to make
a decision
I hate this feeling
your feelings are fading
aren't they?
I can tell

they say fake it until you make it
I faked being happy and alright
have I made it yet
sometimes the answer is yes
and sometimes it's a no
content to sad
to content
a small rollercoaster
or emotions
way more manageable
than how it used to be
it was euphoria to despair
to terror to content
then do it all again
it was mania now its productivity
the change is drastic
but a welcome one at that

I used to stumble through life
My world full of strife
The thoughts inside my head
Were riddled with bloodshed
I say farewell to that person
So my mind will not worsen
I made an extreme change
It added happiness to my range
If my poems gave any indication
My depression took a forever vacation
It's hard to articulate how I feel
So I use poetry to reveal
My body positivity is hard
But I won't let it be marred
I try to be my favorite support
But I need others in my court
I put in lots of effort to be content
But sometimes I just need to vent
My outlook on my future is positive
I won't be controlled by the negative

he caused me pain
and let chaos invade my life
so I left him behind
but then they came into my life
and confessed their feelings
I didn't know how to feel
I still don't
fear and curiosity flooded my brain
the fear of being hurt
and tossed aside again
the curiosity of a new beginning
and a possible new love
I like learning about them
and hearing them rant
maybe they're the right one for me
I'm testing the waters
I don't want to get hurt again
but you'll never know
if you don't try

I'm counting down the days
just get through this week
and I will be free
free from this school
I will walk across the stage
and never look back
just get to Friday
and all the classes will be over
at this wretched school

I have no idea how to make friends
I don't know what to say
or to talk about
I don't know if I talk too much
and will scare them away
I try my best
but I'm not sure if it's good enough
I want more friends
and I'm trying to put myself out there

I have always been the gifted child
overachiever and overworking myself
desperate for approval
if I get good grades, maybe my parents will love me
get straight A's
get on the honor roll
be the top of my class
a B is the same as an F
you drilled that into me
my worth was dependent on my grades
if I wasn't the best, I was worthless
I hold these messages to this day
no matter how detrimental they are to me
now staying a the top and the best grades is a struggle
I can't be the perfect child anymore

a suit of armor sitting in a corner
cobwebs and dust settling in the crevices
give it a new life with some polishing
scrub and scrub the dirt off
the metal now looks anew
gleaming in the sun
shining bright
a fresh beauty displayed proudly
the gleaming suit of armor

I used to gloze over my pain
saying "I'm fine"
or "I'm just tired"
I used to hide away
not wanting to let anyone in
for the fear of judgement
I no longer gloze over my pain
I am honest if I'm feeling down
it's very freeing that way
my pain deserves to be open
to heal
a covered wound that never airs out
will never heal

what if I'm so anxious
because I'm focusing on all the things
I'll say goodbye to
when I could be thinking about
all the things I'll say hello to
I'm saying goodbye to lots of things
but I'm saying hello to even more

the day is nearing close and closer
the day I wear my cap and gown
and walk down the stage
and get handed my diploma
the day I no longer attend high school
the day I leave this town behind
to start my new life
and new beginnings

I have officially graduated
I thought I feel a change
after it happened
but I feel the same
nothing feels different
I was more excited about it
than I thought I would
I stood in line
in a hot gown
I walked across that stage
in front of all those people
filling up the gymnasium
I got my diploma
and walked out that school
as a graduate
my highlight was
I got to hug my favorite teacher
and express how much he did for me
and how grateful I am for him
he saved my life
and kept me in school
I cannot express
how much he helped me
and kept me going

I am grateful for my parents
how they're always there for me
listening to me when I'm sad
giving me hugs to make me feel better
how they make me laugh when I'm about to cry

I am grateful for my poetry
how it got me through dark times
and is with me during the happy times
always there to help me express my feelings
how it kept me afloat in the sea of depression

I am grateful for my friends
how they're there for me
as I am there for them
how they make me laugh
and we can share anything without judgement

I used to hapless in my search
my search for a healthy relationship
but finally
I hit the lottery with him
my hapless search is no longer hapless
I feel so lucky
with him in my life

something I thought was unattainable
like the fruit Tantalus couldn't grab
just out of reach
torturing me
with the proximity

now I grew stronger
and I grasped the fruit
I cradle it to my chest
never letting it go

I won't allow myself to crash back into the pool
begging to reach the fruit

bright
cheerful
delighted
blissful
ecstatic
elated
overjoyed
glee­ful

I remember 12 year old me
13 year old me
14 year old me
15 year old me
16 year old me
17 year old me
crying alone at night
a blade in hand
carving into my body
blood staining my clothes
never thinking it could get better
but it got better
the blade is retired
the scars are healed
never to be reopened

I am the flower growing in between cracks in the sidewalk

I write my heart out
my feelings I was beginning to doubt
then I came here
filled with fear
but came my way was not abuse or hate
it gave me the motivation to create
so kind a community
my heart no longer performed an emotional mutiny
I bared my soul to this place
your kindness shone onto my face
you have all been so nice
and it didn't come with a price

why do I think of you still
it feels like you control me even when we're no contact
I don't miss you I tell myself
you were evil and violent and controlling
I don't miss you
I miss the idea of you
the idea of comfort and romantic love
but that isn't you
I want softness and gentle love
you cut me with your sharp edges and your harsh words
I won't go back to you, I can't
yet I still think of you and it's torture
I'll admit I'm lonely
but I need to keep my standards
a violent lover is no lover of mine
not anymore

his eyes are beautiful
they threaten to **** me into
the blue abyss of mystery
his eyes rival the beauty
of the deep azure oceans
his eyes remind me of
the cloudless sky
so bright and vibrant
flowers could never compete
with his eyes
morning glories
and cornflowers
and blue orchids
can't compare
I could stare at his eyes
for the rest of my life
and never get used to their beauty
sapphire stones inset
to his handsome face
bottomless seas of eyes
that pull me under
I am captivated
with his eyes

they say home is where the heart is
then my heart must be a nomad

my heart is with my mom's ****** jokes
with my dad's infectious laughter
with my mom's kindness
with my dad's dumb humor
with my cats and their spunky attitude
with the sunsets setting the sky ablaze
with every word I write
pouring out of my soul

they say home is where the heart is
then my heart must be a nomad
because I find something to love in everything

how do I say goodbye
to my childhood
to a free roof over my head
to free food
to free everything
how do I say hello
to my new life
to adulthood
to paying for everything
to being even more independent
how do I transition from childhood
to adulthood
it seems terrifying
and exhilarating

"would you still love me if I was a worm"
she asked him
"of course" he replied
"how would you show your love to my worm self"
she inquires
"I would buy you an incubator and fill it up with moist dirt"
"I would feed you every day"
"I would pet your little worm self"
"I would talk to you and tell you what's happening in life"
"I would tell you all the office drama"
"I would keep your incubator on my nightstand so you can sleep next to me at night"
"so, yes, I would love you if you were a worm"

I could be talkative if I wanted to
but I worry that I might say the wrong thing
or say too much
or be annoying
I don't want to be annoying or too much
I don't want to burden people with
spewing words out
I don't want them to feel obligated to listen
so instead I shut my mouth
and become the quiet kid
therefore I won't be bothersome

sometimes i feel invisible
either like everyone looks through me
like i'm not there
or like they see my appearance
and don't look further

i am a person too
my identity matters
see me for me
see me in the room

i feel like an outcast
a social pariah
like i'm a wallflower

I walk through the halls
like a forgotten ghost
everyone looks through me
like they can't see me
but to be honest
it's better if they don't see me
because when they do
the things they say
oh, the things they say
hurt like a knife to the chest
the pounding of my heart
spills the blood of anger
and seeping sadness
and splatters on the walls

I met my 12-year-old self for coffee
to talk about our lives

"I hate the world and my family
no one listens or helps
everyone hurts me
I'm trapped here
and I self harm everyday
my emotions are treated as manipulations
I feel so alone
I think about dying on the daily
please help me" they said

"please believe that there is hope
you have a new family
and a loving one at that
suicide is not something we think about anymore
we've been clean from self harm for over 130 days
we made more friends
we don't get bullied
or abused
life is worth living
and we strive to be better and heal every day" I said

my love, it is time I confess something to you
I like you, I have a crush on you
I thought that love at first sight was just a movie genre
but on prom night, I saw you and your weirdness
I just knew you were someone I wanted in my life
it is so nice to finally meet someone
who writes poetry as well
you are eclectic, weird, funny, kind, and carefree
you have this kindness that drew me in
when I noticed how weird you were
it hooked me
I love how you make me laugh
and you aren't afraid to be yourself
you make the world a brighter place
and I love that about you
it's hard to put into words how you make me feel
but I'll try my best
I smile every time I get a text from you
I laugh at every funny selfie
I giggle at every nickname and compliment
you make my heart race and my face blush
I really like you
platonically and romantically
will you be mine?

I wish I was in love
and to have them love me back
I wish I could send them "good morning" and "good night" texts
I wish I could spam them with videos
I wish I could hold their hands
I wish I could hug them, kiss them, laugh with them
I wish I wasn't so lonely
I'm always told that I need to love myself before I can truly love someone
but how can I love all my rough edges and sharp thorns
how can I love someone like me
I can love others
I don't see their flaws or if I do, it makes them perfectly imperfect
I see all my flaws and shortcomings
I can love the whole world if need be
but I don't leave any for me
I don't feel myself worthy of love
But I wish I was in love
I could love them
and cherish them
I wish they would love me
and cherish me
and accept that I am not a girl
it sounds like a fantasy
it seems nothing like the harsh reality
the harsh reality of loneliness and abandonment and heartbreak and transphobia

8 years of therapy
therapist after therapist
nothing worked
I gained all the skills I needed
at psych wards
I never used the tools given
from the psych wards
but today is the day
therapy is not helpful
for me
but I will write my new beginnings
use the skills
do research
take my meds
and heal
I will do it by myself
because I have learned
that I am the only person
that I can rely on

sometimes when I talk
my brain moves faster than my mouth
leading to jumbled up words and stutters
most people don't care what I have to say
so I stay silent
barely a word slips from my lips
you can say I'm shy
but what do I have to say
if nobody listens

I have logolepsy
I love learning about
all these new words
expanding my vocabulary
tenacious
quiddity
eclectic
capricious
psithurism

the loneliness glides over my skin
burrows deeps
and settles into my bones
no matter what I do
it never leaves
I could talk all day to everybody
I could have a million friends
but I would still feel the same
lonely
soul chilling loneliness
never ceasing

it's quite lonesome by myself
no one to talk to
no one to hang out with
so, I detach from reality
engrossed in my phone
or my tv
disappearing into another world
to escape from my loneliness
my bed is my vessel to transport me
into another setting
tv shows and instagram
are my loophole
else I wallow in despair
as the loneliness seeps into my bones

obsessive or pure
deadly or wholesome feeling
suffer or embrace

adoration
deep love and respect
I adore you and
your creativity

passion
strong and barely controllable emotion
I am passionate about you
and your way with words

fondness
affection for someone
I am fond of you
and your smile

tenderness
feelings of affection
I have a tenderness for you
and your ability to
bare your soul to me