I saw an owl holding a cigarette
any wise words I asked him
he blew smoke into the air
why would I have any wisdom for you
he inquired
owls are considered wise creatures I tell him
well if that's the case, then let me tell you a few things
he took a drag from his cigarette

wisdom does not come from age
it comes from experiences

you could be 100 years old and live a sheltered life
you wouldn't have experienced any hardships to give any insight

on the other hand
you could be 20 years old and live a traumatic life
you would have experienced so much that insight comes easily

he took another drag of his cigarette
age is not an excuse for disrespect

just because you lived in a time where homophobia was okay
doesn't mean that you can continue to hate them now

aging is a time for growing
the times have changed and so should you

yes you're my crush
yes you make me blush
i love your smile
i think about it for a while
i want to hear your laughter
please don't let this end in a disaster
wrap your arms around me
let the love run free
i'm falling head over heels
you got me weak in the knees
you're so weird and quirky
and I feel unworthy

my friend, you are important to me
when I'm with you, I'm as happy as can be
that's true you see

you are talented and beautiful
you are funny and honest
you are kind and sweet

your deep brown eyes glitter in the sun
your curly dark hair frames your face nicely
your smile is contagious and bright

my friend, I will not leave you
when you're feeling blue
I'll cheer you up, it's true

we're inseparable
we're linked
we're forever friends

Invalidated day after day
“She” “her” “girlfriend”
Replayed in my head
Never silencing the wrong pronouns that people say
They love me but why can’t they call me something other than a girl

Wishing they’ll change
“They” “them” “he” “him” “boyfriend”
Anything other than “girl” would make me happy
Would satisfy that little boy inside me aching to be called for what he is

Second biggest insecurity? My chest
Why?
It makes me feel like a girl and I don't want to feel like that
I hate how the way I dress or do my makeup makes me look female
It’s like nothing I do matters for people to think I'm a boy
Sure a select few respect my pronouns
But it's not many

I feel so alone and isolated with my dysphoria
No one I know can understand my struggle
I just wish I had a flat chest and a masculine face
Then I could get away with wearing makeup without looking like a female

Sometimes I want to plead with god why he made me hate myself so
I didn't ask for this
This constant battle of wanting to cut my chest just so it can feel the way I feel when I see them
It hurts deep inside to see this ugly body being portrayed as a woman
I want to be a boy
Nothing people say can make me hate my body less

I look in the mirror at myself and I want to cry
This isn’t how I should be physically
I hate it
No matter what gender I feel day to day, I can never please myself
I grow my hair out so I can look a little feminine
But then I chop it off so I can look masculine
One side will be happy for a short period then it will be angry again

I just want to be content when I see myself
Why must I be like this
Dysphoria is a demon I fight daily
But I never win
It had grown too strong over the years

they say that if a tree falls in the forest
with nobody around to hear it
then does it really make a sound

the tree's pain went unnoticed
due to the lack of hearing ears
the pain was still there
even though no one could hear it

just because the tree fell
and no one heard the fall
doesn't mean it didn't happen
it doesn't erase the pain

the tree uprighted itself
and grew back taller than before
it did it by itself
because no one listened for the pain
so no one could help it overcome it
except itself

tremors
the familiar anxious feeling
when I'm all alone
alone with my thoughts
the shadows creep in
gifting me tremors
tremors that capture my hands and legs
tremors that make my heart flutter and pound
tremors that terrify me
reminding me of that night
the night I tried to end it all
the memory gives me tremors
and terror

the night I tried to end it all
replays in my head
every single **** day
it tortures me
makes me relive it
I don't want to remember that night
the pounding heart
and the heart ceasing beating
the puke
the shaking and trembling
the hyperventilating
and the not breathing
I relive it everyday
I just wish it would leave me alone
I don't want to remember the misery
the dying
the pain on my parent's faces
it terrifies me when I think about that night

I am uncertain
can I really do this
go to college
live on my own
make my own money
be an adult
get my license
I'm not ready
everything is happening so fast
I feel disoriented
will I ever feel capable
I can't do this
it's too much
just breathe
you can do this
anxiety captures me again
I don't know if I can do this

I'd slit my own throat
just to see if you'd mourn me
I used to give people tests
just to see if they cared about me
it always hurt me
I tore myself limb by limb
trying to prove that I was unlovable
because the thought of someone
loving me
was unfathomable

the sky afire with pinks and oranges and yellows
the sun rising to greet the clouds
the trees silhouetted against the colors
the birds chirping to the others fills the chilly air
the breeze grazes your shoulder
caresses your arm
another beautiful day to be alive

exhaustion settles into my bones as my screams turn into silence
the darkness comes and goes in waves as I continue my descent in the downward spiral
oh how I wish that my scars would open up and start bleeding
the ocean drags me down into the deep abyss
the agony seeps under my skin and permeates how I see the world
my sickness is one that can never me cure

I wear long sleeves in the summertime
I spend my days unsticking my pants from my thighs
I must admit I relish the sting when the water hits
the shower brings pain from my self-inflicted cuts
I see beauty when the blade digs in and the blood drips down my wrists and thighs
I hope these scars last an eternity

I wish I could've been a kid
a happy kid, a normal kid
a kid who was loved
not a kid who knew which parent was coming and if they were in a bad mood by their footsteps
a kid who played with toys
a kid who didn't slave away taking care of the house and their siblings
I wish my childhood were an actual childhood
I wish I didn't have to worry about getting beat
or screamed at
or not allowed to eat dinner
or made to swallow dish soap
I wish my unhealthy relationships weren't normal to me
I wish I knew what a healthy relationship looked like
I wish I didn't endure what I endured
it was too much for a little kid to carry
and it's too much for me to carry now

Villains aren't born
they're made
they go through hell
they suffer and get beaten down
belittled and abused
abandoned and hurt
the pain turns into anger
the thirst for revenge
to make others feel the way they felt
I'm not saying it's right
just that I understand
I've been there too
but I made it out
and you can too

in this country, we waste so much food
in a country where people go to bed hungry
if food doesn't sell
then it gets thrown away
perfectly good and edible food
just wasted
it could have been handed out
to homeless people
or people struggling to provide
for their family
they could've gotten many meals
if only we didn't waste food
poverty and homelessness  
would decrease
it's so amazing what people can do
when they have a full stomach
the work they can accomplish

content:
the cool soft breeze caressing your hair
happiness:
the clear bright sunny sky
sadness:
the gentle rain dampening your skin
depression:
the pouring rain drenching your clothes
anger:
the scorching sun and whipping wind
rage:
the violent winds and tornado warnings

love is like a flame
it can make you warm
or it can burn you
love can caress you
or throw you to the wolves
love can find you your perfect match
or it can find you someone
who'll never give you their time of day

i want to find love
a love that is reciprocated
a love that is gentle and passionate
a love that picks me up
a love that is the one for me
who can laugh at my dumb jokes
who can see me for me
who can show me the good in the world

i always seem to find the love that hurts
a love that beats me down
a love that hates me for me
who only loves the idea of me

maybe this time will be different

what is love
how does someone
open themselves to love another
I don't know if my heart
can handle anymore
vulnerability
how does one love healthily
I only know how to idolize someone
to think they can do no wrong
that they're perfect
I'd do anything for them
then to hatred in the blink of an eye
everything they do is wrong
they're the same as trash
I don't want to see them ever again
why do I switch between
idolize, hatred, idolize, hatred
so on and so forth
until one day
I feel nothing towards them
I don't hate them
but I don't idolize/"love" them
I think I must be broken
if I cannot love
or even know what love is

true love looks different for everyone
here's what it looks like for me

good morning and good night texts
listen to me when i can't stop talking
hold me when i can't find the words to express myself
tell dumb jokes to make me laugh
accept me for me
laugh at my dumb jokes
write poems for me
understand that i need lots of cuddles
and that sometimes i can't stand being touched
don't pretend to be normal, be your weird self
dance with me in the rain
love me unconditionally
accept that i am not a boy or girl

if you love me hard and show it
i'll love you hard and show it

day after day after day
I push myself to work harder
to complete more assignments
to push myself past my limits
why do I do this to myself

day after day after day
I skip breakfast
and lunch
and sometimes dinner
but my body makes me eat a snack
why do I do this to myself

day after day after day
the cuts and the burns cover my body
giving me new scars
and new pain
my secret outlet for all my unspoken pain
why do I do this to myself

I have these complicated feelings
they unfurl in my chest
begging to be let out
I release them from the ribcage
with a pen and paper
my poems are their escape
it makes me feel lighter
like happiness can fill me
instead of the dark curling tendrils
of despair

the letters form in my head
colliding to form words
but they don't make sense
and the page stays blank
just when I think I've got it
it wiggles out of my grasp
and writer's block wraps me
in its shackles

my hands graze the keyboard
words swirl like a whirlwind in my mind
stuck in a cage
held captive
the words can't escape
my hands graze the keyboard
then shut the laptop off
why?
my efforts are fruitless
with the writers block
holding my down

I have come to love you
and yet I don't believe
that you know the
hold you have on me
every notification on my phone
I check to see if it's you
if it's not
then I am saddened
if it is you
then a smile lights up my face
you don't understand
the hold you have on me
you have my heart
it is yours
please keep it
for your words are the life
to keep my heart beating
in such little time
you have a hold on me
I hope one day
you'll be mine
but at this moment
I am content in being your friend
I want you to know
my love for you
but it is too soon
and I don't want to scare you away
from my swift intense feelings