I wish I could be lithe
agile and graceful
limber and sure-footed
not a single trip or tumble
but instead I'm clumsy
awkward and uncoordinated
with butter fingers
and two left feet
I trip and tumble
drop things and fumble
I wish I could be lithe
but instead the universe
made me clumsy

I have logolepsy
I love learning about
all these new words
expanding my vocabulary
tenacious
quiddity
eclectic
capricious
psithurism

the loneliness glides over my skin
burrows deeps
and settles into my bones
no matter what I do
it never leaves
I could talk all day to everybody
I could have a million friends
but I would still feel the same
lonely
soul chilling loneliness
never ceasing

loneliness settles in my bones
burrowing deep into cracks and crevices
slicing deep
as I stare into the abyss
my heart weeps from the pain
the ringing in my ears drives me crazy
let me feel whole for once
not shattered like a mirror in a fight
let me be free from the shackles
the shackles on lonesomeness
I'm a prisoner in my own mind

it's quite lonesome by myself
no one to talk to
no one to hang out with
so, I detach from reality
engrossed in my phone
or my tv
disappearing into another world
to escape from my loneliness
my bed is my vessel to transport me
into another setting
tv shows and instagram
are my loophole
else I wallow in despair
as the loneliness seeps into my bones

adoration
deep love and respect
I adore you and
your creativity

passion
strong and barely controllable emotion
I am passionate about you
and your way with words

fondness
affection for someone
I am fond of you
and your smile

tenderness
feelings of affection
I have a tenderness for you
and your ability to
bare your soul to me

what is love
I do not know
maybe I am destined
to never know
it's touch

obsessive or pure
deadly or wholesome feeling
suffer or embrace

what's going on in that beautiful mind?
cause all of me loves all of you
loves your curves and all your edges
I need someone to know
someone to heal
someone to have, just to know how it feels
let me show you love
I need somebody to who can love me
at my worst
no, I'm not perfect, but I hope you see my worth
cause, it's only you, nobody new
I'd climb every mountain
and swim every ocean
just to be with you
you were a thief, you stole my heart
I met you in the dark, you lit me up
we danced the night away
I knew I loved you then, but you'd never know
cause, honey, your soul could never grow old
it's evergreen
baby, your smile's forever in my mind
and memory
I'm thinking about how people
fall in love in mysterious ways

I dismembered myself
trying to find
which parts aren't loveable
which parts made everyone leave

the pale lucent moon in the sky
glowing so beautifully
little stars enraptured by it
people stop and stare
no camera could do the
pale lucent moon's beauty
any justice

he asked me if I was okay
he thought I was acting
lugubrious
and didn't want me feeling down alone
I poured my heart out to him
and instead of being met with
anger and disgust and defensiveness
I got met with
understanding and love and compassion
this is how he is different
this is how I know
he won't hurt me
not like the others

the water is pulling me in
pulling me under
churning around me
as my lungs fill with the salty ocean spray
I hear the name of the maelstrom
loneliness
loneliness is drowning me
deep into its depths
this maelstrom of loneliness is killing me
will it ever end?
will I ever swim to shore
and escape it's wrath?
maybe hope is in the horizon

I think I need to write pages of malarkey
all jumbled up and confusing
everything in my brain onto paper
maybe this will cure my writers block
let the words come out garbled
and chaotic
until they flow out steadily

nature has such a mellifluous sound
birds chirping to one another
branches swaying in the wind
streams trickling down the ground
nature has such a mellifluous sound

oh how I remember
when I was a kid
that I thought drinking
and driving
meant any kind of beverage
and got so nervous
when I saw my parents
drinking water
while driving
oh how I remember
how I innocent
and naive
I was

you were so mercurial
that I had to leave
I wasn't good enough
I couldn't be broken
by you

my space
meticulous or disorderly
my bed
neatly made or blankets rumpled
my floor
spotless or cluttered
my desk
organized or chaotic
my clothes
neat or piled up
my thoughts
calm or rioting

I am a misfit
and I'm okay with that
I mean, I have to be
I don't want to blend in
and be the same as everyone else
I don't like clean girl makeup
but it's okay if you do
I like bold makeup
and it's okay if you don't
I am unique and different
sure, it might be hard to make friends similar to me
but I'd rather have little to no friends
by being myself
than having lots of friends
by being someone else
I may be lonely now
but it's even lonelier being someone you're not
I'm a misfit
and I'm okay with that

my love will be my downfall
I'm like a moth to the flame
getting too close
and my wings get singed
he is the flame
I hope he doesn't burn me
my love will be my downfall
I'm like a bee getting drunk on nectar
woozily flying around
until I'm squashed
my love will be my downfall
or maybe
this time will be different

Nova
my baby girl
such beautiful fluffy black fur
so talkative with her little meow
needy and clingy
following me around the house
giving me ***** looks for petting other cats

Luna
such a crazy girl
wide manic eyes
furry tuxedo so fluffy and soft
chaotic and psychotic
loves getting her **** smacked
my mama's baby

Gizmo
such a handsome boy
so kind and loving
will cuddle everyone
always wants attention
sleek black fur with a white dot on his neck
so loving and loveable

Caesar
an introverted boy
such orange soft fur
quiet and reserved
loves belly rubs
doesn't quite like me
my dad's baby

my old heart only beat for others
now it beats for me

I've had a myriad of failed relationships
each one tore my heart open
but this one is different
however, not in a good way
they're so distant and cold
more like an acquaintance
than a partner
but maybe they need time
I'm trying to not overthink it
but alas, I am failing

The noise in my head is getting louder
Blocking out the world
It’s an infection
Seeping into my veins
It increases my paranoia
Letting criticism push me down
I put on my “I’m fine” mask
And become a performer once again
My reckless behaviors that made me bleed
Are no longer me
I don’t want to die necessarily
I just don’t want to face my fears
And feel out of control
My soul is nervous
To be integrated into society

you know something i think about often
i don't have a personality
i just mimic others
the people i interact with
i mirror their personality
i mirror their texting language
i mirror the phrases or terms they use
i mirror their body language
i mirror their actions
their beliefs
their interests
their jokes
i mirror them
until i am just a patchwork personality of a million others that aren't mine
but you can't tell me to be myself when there isn't a self to be
I'm an empty shell, a husk of a person
there's nothing inside my heart
i have no personality
there is no me to be
and no matter how hard i search inside of me
there is nothing to be found
i am nothing
i am empty
i have no personality
i can't be myself when there is no self to be
who am i if nothing but everyone around me

normative or normal
not a word to describe me
I don't want to fit in
or blend in with the crowd
for the sake of acceptance
I want to be me
and I am proud of me
for being myself
I will not minimize myself
for the sake of being normal
stares and hate comments
are worth it all
if it means I can be me
and stand proud of it

I'm not sorry for loving you
but I'm sorry for putting you first
before myself
I'm not sorry for loving you
but I'm sorry for thinking you wanted me
I'm not sorry for loving you
but I'm sorry for thinking you were the one
I'm not sorry for loving you
I'm not sorry I stopped loving you
I'm not sorry for wanting nothing to do with you
I'm not sorry
I'm done with you

noxious animals are colorfully bright
the vibrance and patterns a warning
a warning to not get too close
that they're a danger
it's protection for them
I douse myself in all the colors of the rainbow
warning the wrong people to stay away
and the right people, the people like me
will stay
it's a warning for some
and an invitation for others

I want to sink my teeth into your flesh
forever tasting you
I want to weld our bodies together
forever in your embrace
I want to sew your hand to my hand
forever intertwined
I want to glue our lips together
forever kissing you

I love too hard and get attached too easily
I get hurt and obsessive
but I pour my entire soul into the relationship

oh, how I wish to press a kiss upon your lips
oh, how I wish to nuzzle my head into the crook of your neck
oh, how I wish to embrace you
and feel your warmth seep into my skin
oh, how I wish to entangle my hands in your hair
oh, how I wish to entwine my fingers with your
oh, how I wish to be called yours
but alas, this is a dream
a fantasy
it isn't the right time to tell you
oh, how I wish for my confession of love
to glide out of my mouth
and into your ears
oh, how I wish my confession is reciprocated
but alas, this is a dream

anxiety runs through my veins
self-destructive thoughts swirl in my head
my hands tremble
tears blur my vision
bone deep loneliness sends chills down my body
I feel so alone
I text people
but it's all in vain
I get left on delivered
for hours upon hours
a heaviness settles in my chest
maybe they don't want anything to do with me
maybe they were pretending to be my friend
maybe I'm annoying them with my problems
maybe I'm nothing to them
tears spill down my face
I hold in my sobs
my phone taunts me
with the texts marked as delivered
I can't do this
I feel so alone
I feel like a burden
with all this overthinking

the past
blood-covered thighs and arms
drip drip dripping on the blade
stinging showers
long sleeves in the summertime
unsticking clothes from my limbs
wincing when laying on the wrong side

the present
healed scars litter my body
retired blades no longer kiss my skin
painless showers
t-shirts all the time
smiles no longer forced
recovery

their eyes are a deep coffee brown
rich like Mother Earth's soil
captivating like a siren
leading a sailor to certain death
******* me in like mud on a
rainy day
pleonasm

I could prate about how I feel
about you for days
until my words become
redundant and repetitive
I could prate endlessly
about how I hate you
or about how I love you
or about how I don't know how
I feel about you
as undecided as my feelings are
I could still prate about them

clinginess is my predilection
hugs from behind
being held in another's arms
soft kisses pressed against my lips
caressing my skin
running their fingers through my hair
love letters expressing their feelings
meaningful gifts just because
shared smiles
comfortable silence
hours of talking about everything
and nothing
clinginess is my predilection

romantic relationships are so tantalizing
I crave romance
they don't have to be a prepossessing sight
just be kind and funny
hold me on my bad days
smile with me on my good days
treat me right
cuz I've never felt healthy love
I crave romantic love
but each time I receive it
it's toxic
or it slips through my fingers
like sand
they don't have to be a prepossessing sight
just love me for me

when I love someone
I don't want to love their
gender or their skin
I want to love them
their laugh
their smile
their eyes
their humor
their kindness
their thoughtfulness
their talents
their skills
I want to love them
for them
not a made up version
of them
I want them to be theirself
and be proud
they don't need to be
a girl
or
a boy
or
gender nonconforming
I will love them
for them
and what they look like
does not matter
"I don't love a body,
that's just skin and bones,
not somebody"

psithurism reaches my ears
as I walk through the forest
the rustling leaves
are so peaceful
the sun shines through the branches
wildflowers sway in the breeze
birds chirp in the distance
a lazy river gurgles next me

the world can be pulchritudinous
kindness flowing through
the veins of people
acts of charity
without asking for something in return
compliments told to others
to brighten up their day
donations to fundraisers
to help those in need
the world can be evil
but let's focus on the
pulchritudinous parts of the world
otherwise we'll lose hope in
humanity
and go insane
look at the pulchritudinous
aspects of the world

Amethyst crystals shining in the sunlight
Violet skies in the dusky night
Lavender flowers arranged in a glass vase
Lilac clouds floating in the vibrant sunset
Indigo seas reflecting the dark sky
Plum fruits hanging from the sturdy branches
Fuchsia trees clustered in the deep forest
Magenta lipstick smeared across a smile
Orchid plants flowing in the cool breeze

you were so lovely
yet in a tremendous amount of pain
the pain went away
but so did your life
it was a pyrrhic victory
I'm glad you aren't in pain
any longer
but the feeling is bittersweet
it was a pyrrhic victory
as you crossed
the rainbow bridge
rest easy buddy

poetry is the quiddity of me
it is so intertwined with my soul
that it is woven into my heart
I could never abandon this
it is my other half
it is me
words flow from my mind
and onto paper or a screen
it is part of me
poetry is the quiddity of me

art is the lie that enables us to realize the truth

- Pablo Picasso

reality is very jarring
it's so different from my books
I love the escape
all the different worlds I can experience
so much better than reality

my parents
my cats
my friends
the chance to fall in love
freshly baked cookies
sunsets/sunrises
books
the chance to define my success
laughter/smiles
music
dandelions blooming in spring
raspberry chip cheesecake ice cream
relaxing walks
my future pitbull
mama's homemade mac n cheese
rainy days
baking
warm blankets on cold nights
tv shows
prove you deserve to live
thrive in spite of former family

red
red
red
blood no longer dripping from your skin
sweet raspberries crushed in my mouth
roses swaying in the breeze
tomatoes thrown from an audience
chili peppers stinging your tongue
pomegranate juice dripping down your chin
lipstick smeared on your lips
red
red
red

I rescind my apprehensions and anxieties about college
a new place with new people and new experiences
that always lets the nerves to creep in and take control
but this time is different
I feel confident and accomplished
I take this time in my life in strides
and I succeed
it's only been 2 full days of classes
but I got this
so I rescind my apprehensions and anxieties
about college
I am thriving
now I just need some friends (other than my roommate)

I feel like I'm running out of time
seconds minutes hours days months
all slipping from my grasp like sand
like I'm not doing enough
like there's not enough time for my dreams
it seems like yesterday I was 14
now I'm on my way to college in a month
not enough time
slipping away from me
can I do this in my limited lifespan
I may seem young
and that I have plenty of time
but it seems to pass me by faster and faster
maybe I'll blink and wow!
another year will've passed

I'm running out of time
run run running out of time
time to share my story
my words
let them flow onto the page
run run running out of time
more words more words
I need more
I need to explain my pain
and healing
I'm running out of time
more words
more lines
more sentences
more paragraphs
I'm running out of time
time to share my story
run run running out of time

I tuck a strand of your hair behind your ear
you cup my jaw
and bring my lips to yours
our legs intertwined
I kiss you like my life depends on it
our breath becomes one
your warm body presses against mine
then I wake up all alone
in my bed
the room dark
loneliness creeps in
sadly, it was just a dream