would you hold my hand
     while the world crumbles
     around us?

i would hold yours
     as long as you agreed
     that I do

you won't hold mine
     if you had the choice
     but that's fine with me

in all truth,
     my world crumbles everyday
     because i can't have you

The white LEDs shine bright
Like the unwanted pseudo-stars they are

The living room that houses the sofa I am lying down on
Has white walls that reflect the bulbs' light
Almost as if they were mirrors

The lights hit my face the way lights hit faces,
In less than a snap of the fingers,
It still feels like it's dark, to be frank

It's the kind of darkness you experience
When a blanket is over your head
While you're camping on a starless, moonless night
With only the tent floor as your sleeping bag

You feel the earth stabbing you in a billion different points
As the cold slowly freezes your fingers into submission
And the darkness you see is the darkness only the ones who have gouged their eyes out can describe
The pitch black of all the pitch black

The lights hit my face now like an oncoming train,
Yet I see darkness emanate out of the bulb like splashing waves on a beach

I loved you.
What did I get for it?
Nothing but depression

I wanted you so badly
That I would beg and plead to God
Every Sunday at church

I was like a child,
Asking my mother for the one lollipop
That was on the counter at the grocery

Then I think again
After a long time
"Was it worth it?"

I then remember
That I didn't even like the flavor
It was the worst flavor

It was the worst of all
But I still wanted it
Because I was blind

I cried
Because she never bought it
And I wanted that one

I then imagined
What I would do
If my mother had bought it

With my childlike mind,
I would have been overjoyed
To merely have it in my hand

But with who I am now,
I would've tossed it to the ground
And crushed it with my heel

This is what you have done to me
Feel better?
Me neither.

It has been dark
It has been very dark
And I thought
That maybe
It was the end
For me

How was I going to go on?
I wondered
You were the brightest light
That my eyes had ever seen
And I followed you
Until you blinded me

I walked on and on
Not knowing the path
That I was going down
So I looked up
Even if the rays
Of your intensity
Still burned my irides

The stars were out

I don't know
If I've fallen
Like Lucifer

I feel like
I've fallen into
Hell below

But this hell,
I like it
I'll stay

For this burning
Is hidden beauty
It's her

I've fallen hard
For only her
Oh no

This is bad
Because I love
Wrong people

I hope that
This time I
Am wrong

Beauty like hers brings pain
Every time at her heart I take aim
All I have is myself to blame

I wish I could put out this flame
Love is the most difficult game
Oh, to the skies I proclaim

Victory will never be claimed
Each loss I suffer is the same
Urges to win her heart are in vain

I went through the sidewalk on Pedro Gil and Taft
The blaring red and green traffic lights
Sort of obscured the view through my spectacles
In the early Manila evening

The smell of cancer in the air
Complimented the noise of the jeeps
That raced through the intersection
As the sun slowly sunk at the sight of the moon

I saw faces less and less
As the broken street lamps flickered
Some people were minding their own business
Others shouted and laughed in the street

I saw people gripping onto their bags
Like they gripped onto their lives, because the city is never safe
Especially at the dusk
Where all the thieves come out to play

The noise may reach above heaven
And the air may be as ***** as the sewers
But there is no other place
That I would consider home

Leave him.
The bits that are my heart
Break into more
And now they're dust.

I'm on the verge
Of tears
Because I want to be the one
Who makes you happy.

I pretend I don't love you,
But I really do.
I pretend because I know
That you won't say it back.

You are Monday
I don't look forward to you
But I have no choice

I hate you so much
But I cannot get away
For you are a part of life

My soul aches
Because you hurt me
And I can't escape

I despise your presence
But because of you
I look forward to Friday

I am back in the cycle.
The back and forth
And back again
Of the silent non-silence
Of this filthy city life.

I wake up in the bed
I laid in the night before,
Rise up to take a liquid ****
And retreat once again
Into the blanketed dome
That is my mattress.

The sun shines through
The cracks in the seemingly
Single piece of colored cloth
That we call curtains
And seep in through the fabric
Of the actual single piece of cloth
That we call blankets.

When the ****** star's light
Is more than bearable, I take away
The blanket from my face
And face reality as it is
From the cool and calm not-peace
That is my room covered in sunlight.

A few more hours
Worth of wallowing in not-happiness
Would be very sufficient
To start the "day".
A few more hours
Adjusting to the hellish yellow light
That blinds my eyes,
But frees them from the darkness
At the same time.
A few more hours
To plan the next few hours
Only to not follow the plan
And once again act on impulse
The same way I did yesterday.

There is a star under the moon
It looks like the star is under the moon
I like to imagine it that way
It's beautiful

                       moon
                         star

I love how close they are
They're so close
Just two reaching hands away
Like lovers separated
By two metal fences
Two different sides
To two different worlds

                       moon
                         star

You are so close
Just reach
Just touch
Just love and be loved

                       moon



                         star

But this is reality
You're far, far away
Beyond two metal fences
But of two different sides
Of two different worlds

I watched her everyday

                                  like a movie

                           but I knew


                                                               that there was more depth in the book.

I'm lying in bed in the dark again
My earphones are loudly playing your song
I recall you saying you hated it,
But this is one of the only ****** ways
I can hear your beautiful voice again

I'm afraid of calling you, honestly
I'm afraid you'll tell me what I expect
"We should just be friends. Can we just be friends?"
I wanted you to be my lover, dear.

I would have loved you as hard as I could
Harder than I have ever loved before
But you'd never let me love you like that
Because to you, my love would chain you down

You'd be a bird in a golden-barred cage,
A skiff with a passenger ship's anchor,
Someone who you never saw yourself as
Someone you never really planned to be

So maybe all of this was for the best
Relationships, after all, hurt a lot
So maybe all of this was for the best,
But I'm unsure when my love for you shall rest

Some girls were stars,
But she was the universe
I wanted my hand in hers

Her glow was that of comets
And her heart was the sun
Her light you could never outrun

The Big Bang occurred in my heart
And instead of galaxies there was love
Through the universe my heart was shoved

She was light-years of work
I couldn't stop thinking of her face
But what remains in my hand is space

"Never forget me."
She scribbled on the letter
That is what I remember
When I try to make my life better

"Never forget me."
She wrote in her cursive hand
I told myself to lam
But what happened was a countermand

"Never forget me."*
She happily wrote on the page
Those words were my *******
This can be cured only by age

My depression comes to my bed and gives me a warm embrace almost every morning
I try to wrestle myself out of its grasp, but it only grabs on tighter
Whispering in my ear, telling me that I don't need to leave
Telling me how useless I'll be if I stood up and tried to do anything
I try to fight but I'm frozen in place, forced to endure its tight hold
(On days that I do have the courage to fight, I fight and fight and fight
But end up giving up and giving in)
About three hours will go by while I wait for it to get sick of me and let go,
Two hours if I'm lucky (I'm usually not)
And when it does get sick of me, (if I'm lucky) it reaches into its pockets and throws a little bit of motivation my way
Then it leaves
And I expect it to happen again the next day

So what did you do before this?
I asked the driver
"I drove trucks.
Now I drive people to places"
I sat and listened
As the radio melodies faded
And as the beeping
And the woman's voice
From his smartphone
Began to sound like silence

"My father drove trucks
I watched him drive
Day in and day out
I watched him drive so much
That when I was 12
I grabbed the wheel
And did his job for him"

And so we talked
Passing green lights
Stopping at the red ones

Finally,
The car came to a halt
I handed him my money
And told him to drive safely

That's when I realized
Some men are meant for some things

"Good morning, sir"
He said as I fixed a rainguard
Back unto my car
I froze in place
And he stood in his

I could feel grief in the air
Accompanying this old man
And I stared

"I am a garbage truck driver
My wife died, you see
She used to sweep the street
Around here
Maybe you noticed her
Once or twice"

He shook a crumpled sheet of paper
Filled with bills
Twenties, fifties, and hundreds
And he spoke again

"It's been two weeks
I don't have the money
To bury her"

He said it so casually
His voice was like
A broken record
To him
Probably

But somehow there was still pain

I handed him some money
He bowed
Thanked me
Walked away

And I stood there
Frozen

What hurts worse than loving
Is losing
Not a lover, but a friend.

They always say "bros before hoes,"
But what if you didn't get the ***
And your bros left too?

What's wrong with this world?
It's full of broken promises and bonds.
I know the feeling all to well.

I was reading old texts again
Or at least what little is left.
How I wish we could go back
To the time we talked til morning.

Typing on our phones
Like time didn't exist.
Sending texts
Like it was world's end.

We'd talk of nothing,
But something at the same time
I don't know if I forced you
Or if you truly did want to speak.

The past can bring joy and pain,
And now I'm in both.
I wish we still texted each other
Because I sort of miss you.

Electricity fluctuates
Darkness, light, darkness, light
I will find my way out
But the problem is too complex
For a quick getaway

I see a flash of God
Then the devil
Then God again
Then the devil
It never ends

It's torture
I don't know whether the light is better
Or if the darkness is
To be honest
I just wanna be dead already and be
Buried six feet underground
Where I can hear no noise
From any person at all

Electricity fluctuates
Darkness, light, darkness, light
And what I'm doing now
Is trying to not give a ****

I used to feel fireworks fly and go off in my head,
My eyes used to light up like supernovas,
And my heart used to jump out of my chest like a frog in hot water

The feelings I had for you once brought cheer
And let the angels come down from heaven
To combat the demons that held me to the ground
And prevented me from ascending towards God's light
Alas, those days are gone like leaves in the wind

I am greeted by a dark, starless nighttime sky
(A sky which used to burst into color)
I drown in the somberness of it all
And let it embrace me in all its tenebrous beauty

Without love there are no fireworks in my head,
The stars in my eyes begin to dim and fade,
And my heart does not beat
I wish that my feelings for you could once again open the clouds
And show me the angels who freed me from *******,
But those feelings are gone and those days have passed

Some nights I would imagine us
Living happily in a home in the suburb
With our wedding rings secured
On our left hands

Some nights I would imagine us
Having breakfast together, just us
A meal we both cooked
And probably burned a bit

Some nights I would imagine us
With out bodies entwined on our bed
Fast asleep after a time of intimacy
Skin on skin, heart to heart

Some nights I would imagine us
Kissing in the rain
Letting loose all the pain
As we felt the cool droplets splash

Some nights I would imagine us
At a hospital, exchanging places
On who would be on the hospital bed
And what we would say, our last goodbyes

Some nights I would imagine us
If one of us died
What would the other one do?
Wait for the end or fill in the gap?

Some nights I would imagine us
Having at least two kids
They would love us as parents
We'd raise them to be great

Some nights I would imagine us
If there would never be an us
How we would end up with others
And just go our separate ways

Some nights I would imagine us
And all the possible outcomes
Both if we'd be together or not
And that "some night" is tonight

Remember when you said you would love me forever?
Did you actually mean it?
All the I love yous in between the small kisses you gave me
Did you ever mean those?

I saw old pictures of us
Old videos too
Your eyes told me you loved me
But I don't know if there is a soul through those true brown windows of yours
(The ones that would glow in the golden hour light in your apartment)

When you told me you were leaving me,
Did you still love me?
What about when I kissed your icy lips after you told me you kissed him,
Did you still love me?
When I held your hand and you faked a smile,
Did you still love me?

You took everything I knew about love
And you spat on it
You took everything I knew about you
And you ruined it
You took everything I knew about myself
And now I'm searching for where you threw it

I thought you didn't like smokers
You stopped me everytime I started
I always understood why you did though
You hated the lingering scent of burnt cancer
You despised the fact I smelled like your father
When I went up close to kiss your cheeks
You didn't want me to leave you
Because you wanted to grow old with me

I stopped when you told me to
I threw packs in the garbage
I stayed away from my habit
All because I loved you
And because I didn't wanna hurt you
I couldn't bear the thought of you crying
At my bedside
As my lungs gave out
And I chose to stop turning my lungs black
So I could live longer
So I could marry you
So I could grow old with you

When he came along
I couldn't possibly think he would replace me
Even though you looked at him the way you did me
Even though I felt like a third wheel
Even though you talked about him to me
With hearts in your eyes
Mainly because he smoked
But he did replace me

What was the point of everything you told me?

The world around me has always been gray
The buildings, the trees, the skies, and the people
Have always been duller than the blade
I used to cut myself with

Now I see the world in bright colors
Because you came in and painted it all
From corner to corner to corner to corner
And you filled in every detail
And every spot that was bleak

Darling, when the colors in your life fade,
Remember that I will always be there
To bring back all of the lost vibrance
And add a lot more

I remember the night we met
We kissed in the dark, dim lights
Of a public parking lot
We held hands, fingers intertwined

I told myself I could get used to it
Kissing you in dark, dim parking lot lights
And we always kissed in them, holding hands
I told myself I could get used to it

I remember holding you tight
Half my body hanging off
The back seat of my X-Trail
The kisses were worth the back pain

I told myself I could get used to it
Kissing you in dark, dim parking lot lights
And we always kissed in them, holding hands
I told myself I could get used to it

I remember falling in love
Actually, I didn't
I made the choice to love you
I thought I got it right for once

I told myself I could get used to it
Kissing you in dark, dim parking lot lights
And we always kissed in them, holding hands
I told myself I could get used to it

I told myself I could get used to it
Loving you in dark, dim parking lot lights
And outside of dark, dim parking lot lights
I never should have gotten used to it

Burning passion, gentle movements, and unwavering precision
Are only three sets of words that describe her
She moved en pointe with her ink-dipped shoes and wrote herself down on the pages of my existence
Delicate cursive appeared across the blank, unlined leaves
Creating soothing poetry amidst all the chaotic rants in the pages before
I watched as each step, throw, and turn add new words to the narrative
The spotlight followed her every movement as she floated across the stage
Jotting down line after line of her calming words

The lights faded after she ended the fourth stanza
And she was greeted with thunderous applause by the voices in my head
I could see her silhouette dance slowly on the unlit stage
She spun for what seemed like hours before the lights came back on

There she stood

The once pure and clean ballerina in white was drenched in blood and ink
She moved aggressively and without remorse painting rough lines on the soft syllables she'd written for me
Her eyes glowed with unholy strength as she knelt upon my pages
And ripped them from one corner to the other, tearing the book's spine
All I  could do was stare at her as she smiled at her work
And silently exit stage left

here i am again
grasping at strings
longing for
nicotine
and
alcohol

asking myself
questions i can't answer
i don't know if i want answers
maybe i just want to ask questions

i'm longing for you
**** the nicotine and alcohol
i don't want an addiction
i just want to be calm
and look into your eyes
and sincerely tell you
that i love you

The memory of pain often colors
My mind when all the walls of it turn dark.
The light scars that I have from hobby knives
Yearn loud and loud to open up once more.
The blades scream loud as I suppress my cries
And yet they beg and beckon for my thighs.

Shall I  go once more and see my own blood
Leave the indents made on my mortal skin?
Or shall I let the screams of my turmoil
Bleed into ev'ry situation I'm in?

Here lies your poet
Breathing and awake,
But without any signs of life

The deep hours of the night
Are a perfect simulation of oblivion
And the uncomfortable foam mattress
A suitable casket lining for the dead inside

I am a ghost to those who love living
Barely a breath in their lungs
Barely a word in their sentences
But merely a fraction of what I wish to be

Please make me part of it
With open arms and accepting hearts
Why do all of you resent my warmth?
Why make me feel unwelcome?

For now I stay dead, the way you all want me
Because this is all I can do
Break me no more
Because there is nothing of me left

I'm waiting for my tea to arrive in this hotel lobby.
The slow piano music playing in the background
Is more familiar than it should be.

I should be calm, but all of the couples around me
Are exchanging sweet nothings and sweeter kisses
And it makes me jealous
Because I wish you were here
So we could do the same.

Tea is here, love.

I don't need to choke back tears
Because I ran out
When you left me to rot

I wish my lips could touch yours
Like the ones before me had done
It would be a great privilege
As if it were something given by God

I stand here longing for your hands
For them to wrap around mine
I long for your own heat and sweat
To meld into my own

I stare into your eyes hoping they stare back
I want to see your soul in its quintessence
I want to see your flaws and shortcomings
And fall for every one of them

I want to run my hand down your back
And feel your smoothness across the ridges of my fingertips
Once more

The smell of your hair lingers in the spaces between my fingers
The ends of each strand brushing my skin still haunts my forearms

My hips feel like your thighs are still there,
My spine still feels your ankles interlocked,
My tongue still remembers how yours tasted,
My teeth still feel your bottom lip in between

In your voice, I heard the angels of heaven sing;
And in your eyes, I saw its shining gates;
And in your eyes, I saw burning passion;
And in your eyes, I saw true love

She's a sad excuse for a **** buddy
She shows up at my house when I least expect it
And thinks she can amaze me with her second rate *******
And her third rate kisses

Her lips taste like cigarette ash and old gum
Her ******* feel like sandpaper
And she never lets me use her *****
Just the ***
And usually she doesn't wash
But I **** her anyway because I need a release
I only feel worse after though
As if I used my shitstained ****
To sign a contract to be her slave

She can barely hold a conversation too
I ask simple questions
And she answers with ugly laughter and
"You're so stupid"
Never an answer from her
Just her being
Just my worthless being
Just her worthless being
Just my being

"I'll see you again next time"
She says, and I say
"Give me back my ******* keys"
And she laughs that ugly laugh
"Fat chance, stupid."
She says

I hate my anxiety

I have never seen your face up close in real life
Nor do I know how your skin feels touching mine
I can only imagine the smell of your hair and the feeling of your lips

I want to know how it feels like to have you in my arms
I want to know how it feels like to hold your hand for longer than ten minutes
I want to know how deep I can look into your dark eyes
And know how long it would take until you looked away

One a I'll hear your voice
One day I'll read my poems to you; and
One day you'll sing to me

But
Not
Digitally

She is the canvas of the night sky
That has the stars painted onto her
She sparkles with billions of lights
Of ***** of burning gases
And she makes it look beautiful
Like the stars aren't burning *****
Of gas that can eat
Planets entirely in one bite

Pass, people, pass
People pass my field of vision
Different people
Some smart, some dumb
Mostly people
Sometimes a dog
Sometimes a cat
A few birds here and there
But mostly people
Old people
Young people
Mostly disgusting people

People like the young people
Who go home to their disgusting houses
And their disgusting families
To eat their dinner
And after
(On some nights)
Mommy and daddy
Discuss politics
Over a bottle of red wine
While the TV soap operas cry
About a gangster's child or whatnot

The trees dance as I think
As I think about the young people
The disgusting young people
The trees dance as the people pass
Dance, trees, dance
Pass, people, pass

People like the old people
Who work at dead-end jobs
And those with non-dead-end jobs
The ones who legally buy alcohol and smokes
And pay disgusting bills
And pay off disgusting loans
And disgusting mortgages
While they drink their alcohol
While they smoke their cigarettes
And think about bills, loans, and mortgages
About politics and where they stand
About the gangster's child on TV
And they talk about the bills, loans, and mortgages
Politics too
To their wives or husbands or kids or selves
As the TV drones on about the gangster's child

The trees stand as I think
As I think about the old people
The disgusting old people
The trees stand as people pass
Stand, trees, stand
Pass, people, pass

"It’s the things we love most, that destroy us."**
Is the quote that keeps resonating in my head.
I heard it in last night's movie
And it fills me up with dread.

I can say it's true
Since I've experienced it once or twice.
It has frozen my heart solid
What moves through my veins now is ice.

Beams of morning light
Force their way into my room
The noises from the cars
And motorcycles and the TV
Blast their way into my ears
But I stay strong

I am not ready for a new day
I do not want the sunlight or the cars or TV
I am not ready for a new day
And I would rather stay under my blanket

Every time I think of suicide, I write a poem.
My writing is what keeps me sane
I've gotten this far, so I'll keep on going.

My writing, my writing,
Thank you so.
For without you this one would not be written

Each time there is a blade softly pressed against my skin,
I put it down and write about this ******* I'm in
It keeps me alive, but keeps me sad.

I think I'm depressed, maybe I'm not,
Maybe I just want out.
Out of this life, out of this world, out of everything now.

If you hate me, I hate you too,
But nobody hates me more than myself.
I've known myself too long to love me.

Oh look at all that burning passion.
You can feel the heat it brings
As it dances around
Illuminating the room

What magic started this fire?
I ask as the flame dances
It grows hotter
As I try to find it's source

I then remember
That the flame
Started out as
*Sparks

Who do I love anymore?
My heart calls for the both of them,
But God knows I can only have one.

My hear is split in two
And I cry because those two parts
Are both just as broken.

The universe plays its cruel game
Of making me feel the fires
Of their hearts burn for others.

The cold mountain air nips at my cheeks
While I sit on the cold grass of this *****
I can feel the chills poke my skin like needles
And crawl down my spine like spiders
But the chills aren't worse than the cold feeling in my chest
Because you aren't here by my side

Gold, Glory, and God
The devil's water can guarantee you at least two of these.
I have seen gold and glory, but I have not once seen God whilst indulging the devil's drink.
The devil takes the night when I drink his golden **** of dull temptation leading me down into a spiral pathway of my own rise and fall
I see myself atop the world as I text you paragraph after paragraph of how much I love you, how I want to spend my life with you, how I want you to feel, and how our future would be.
While you're asleep, of course. It's at least 2 AM.
I text and text and text like a creepy Romeo to an unaware Juliet. I await your reply as the alcohol races through my blood, replacing all of the reason from my system.

The devil is a sly, cunning fox for convincing me to humor him by choking down glass after glass of his chosen poison.
My throat is burning at this point, but I am coaxed into having more. There is no stopping the act, there is no need to.

I am at peace while God sleeps and leaves me to create my own destinies. I text you again to the tune of another glass. I text you again to the tune of another glass. I text you again to the tune of another glass. I see the devil cheer me on. Blurry and dark, but I see him cheer me on.  I try to text you again to the tune of another glass, but the bottle has run dry. I find myself a comfy spot on the floor and let the night take me away

And I awaken hungover to the tune of "I'm sorry. I think we should just be friends."