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dry
stranger Jun 2022
dry
for my hips to be soldered through the floor
by agonising tanzanite brilliant bolts.
Therefore this malignant daze may escape this dried out corpse.
This life-withholding, melodramatic remorse...
This whoredom of confusion i contort
back and forth in my throat,i don't remember-how to breathe.
stranger Nov 2021
I
to draw blood
and
let me sing
hollow words
of a
hollow body

II
to reek of havoc
and stain with chaos
I wish your hands
-liquid silver,
would melt and
burn off
my nerves
as you
caress my head

III
silently
all in the flutter
of a moth's wings.
picture me
reincarnated
through your touch
musing & murmuring
this

IV
fragile mind
this
restless time
oh to be held
stranger May 2022
™️
this ****** hair-dye
coating my abdomen and clavicles
mulberry leaking off my
body, so ******.
I feel so regal
I feel lathered in stares,
Here in this corner.
So shamefully shameless.
mulberry escaping my hair strands and flowing down my bellybutton over this mons ***** and down my knees.
bathed in violet dreams.
am i this body or am i just unclean?
stranger Jan 2022
Six months at best
I counted them myself
Nothing that this doe gaze can manufacture
Nothing this sunlit glaze can save
6 months to indent...
myself,
into some love before it gets taken away
again.
Spring in ******* January;
Flutter my lashes see what you can do for me.
These honeypot eyes can't soften my demise
when you're gone.
I don't want to leave you roaming
in a song.
I know my eyes will be the ones to take me away,
when I'm alone.
To confine me, solitaire,to ensure you're not there
anymore...
Fragranced lullaby that puts me to is that another place will build another me so I can understand how to love and how to breathe.
House is playing games on me,
Pipes keep on popping, blood won't flow coherently.
I think life might be cheating on me.
stranger Sep 2018
Fade into thin paper.
Fade into the air.
Fade into something better.
Fade so no-one can care.
Fade in the dust
Fade all over the sky
Fade into something I might trust.
Fade into all the goodbyes.
Fade away dear heart
Fade away my mind
I was broken apart
By my own kind.
I guess I am just getting erased slowly
stranger Aug 2021
I notice the masked unknown
The year stained disturbances
Some kind of effect I wouldn't know how to call
Guess it's the charms of overly-consumed marriages.
It's the bitter reproaches
And the lowly messages.
It's the awkwardness with which my dad over-explains himself
For simple occurances
Misread instances
I'm sick oh hearing it.
My mother flaunting her insecurities
She capitalises her hold over me.
I'm a trophy, I'm a trophy.
The way the both stare gleefully.
I embody the price to modify genetically
Anger, regret, hate all take corporality.
I'm beaming
The lack of romance I grew up in and my obsession with it developing.
I'm revealing disconnected personalities.
My mother and father might take pride in it,
My bluntness, my unjustified humanity
But sometimes all I see in me
Is family gesturing,
Just mere mimicking.
A real life harlequin.
stranger Jan 2022
if I drink enough beer with my dad it'll compensate for all the years he wasn't here,
if I bake enough cakes with my mom i'll forget I'd never forgive her.
Just like if I had 9000$ no-one would ever see my face again.
Fugees echo in my bathroom, they smell of anger when the song ends.
And now I'm brand new.
Water sits on me like a disease,
And now that I shaved I can see how that bike bit me.
The scars on my legs laugh bitterly,
How could I not see?
That I'm the flu within me.
I'm guilty.
For the insomnia, the tears
For the kid in me with no freedom, for the fears.
I've made and broken my own dreams,
Just how things are meant to be.
Timeline healthy.
Life will eat me,
Whole and leave no crumbs.
Wipe the table too, you eat well when you behave well.
And so I'll die at my own hands.
Forgiving yet so ravaged,
Desperate to touch
Some other version of me.
I'll die how I always wanted it to be,
by my own means
slowly
wrapped in the smears of superficiality,
I've clung to, solely, to survive being me.
Hollowed out but never empty
The only thing left to caress,
Is the shell I'll become to protect what remains of myself
Salted smile scented happiness.
stranger Jan 2023
la gara se vând flori
și fire de vânt strecurate printre vitralii
fier lovit de dinți încep să văd detalii.
oase, vene și alte romantice orori.
frigul ăsta mi-l fac vară.
o sun pe mama să-i spun că a născut o avalanșă.
şi ofilesc.
orașul un amalgam de cărămidă prăfoasă, poduri rabatabile și geamuri pustii și luminate atât de frumos
nu înțeleg de ce nu *** să trăiesc
mai îndeajuns.
în soare cu dinți și în ploaie torențială, mamă
trăiesc o viață pentru amândouă.
mă salut cu toată lumea necunoscută de pe stradă și îmi cumpăr flori odată pe săptămână eu și sănătatea mea puerilă.
stau și fumez 3, 4, 5 țigări pe zi câteodată niciuna și admir umbrele nopții.
cand tremur seara parcă nu mai sunt singură.
stranger Dec 2018
Singurătatea e ce ne aduce împreună
Pentru că noi căutăm siguranță în durerea altcuiva...
stranger Jul 2018
Bobby pins and curls
All the dances and twirls
Lie to me would you blinding light?
Lie to me so maybe I can forget it all tonight
But I didn’t deserve that luxury yet did I?
I tried to make myself pretty for you
But I wasn’t enough for your picky eye
So you turned my radiant pink heart blue.
stranger Feb 2019
i'll write you a note someday
it'll speak about what i love
about what i regret
and who i miss.
in that note I'll probably tell you that i'm sorry,
sorry that we couldn't co-exist when you were in trouble
sorry for the fact that i loved you and probably never got to tell you.
i'll write a note hoping it keeps you going
celebrating suicide Sunday with a smoke, a smile and that note in your lighter pocket.
i'll write the note and give it when i leave
and I'd have to gather up to courage to say goodbye.
you see i live investing my time in the broken as i forget about myself.
so the more i write to you, the more i write about you, the more time i dedicate to you
the better i am
no that's a lie I feel too much for you to ever get better
but at least i selfishly forget myself to feel you
Your memories
Your burden
Your joy
so yes i'll write you a note saying how i hope you'll forgive me for thinking everything has such great importance, hoping that maybe for once you'd be selfish.
I'll write you a note
And it will say I love you written in code at the end.
one day I'll tell you
stranger Jul 2021
And then there's me in the grout of the bathroom tiles
In the root of the family tree ties.
There's me raging about death and how it defies
Me when there's nothing left but the cries.
Desperation takes place of admiration and now all I can do is stare at the present screaming at the past and praying to the future.
This dead horse of a family lies to itself in closure, prays to stick together to simmer in its hatred and I see it all.
The cowardice to leave is stronger than the search for peace and I'm again left alone.
Colder and colder the night angry and older and summer boils until it's over.
I run out of air every night and that caters to the wish of never waking up tommorow,
But still I do
Hopes brooding and wishes become sour now all I have to do is stick to the hour.
Watch the clock unfold its vanity then respill it all in me.
I'm empty and waiting
Fading...
Like every night lately.
yea it's July ew
stranger Sep 2022
i haven't called
i know
i've been busying myself with living, you know...the usual
hyperventilation and sickness hurt.
i did get to scratch in some place something about how i remember dreaming about you smiling over me and how, now i'm dreaming about being able to be just as in love again.
you know...i'm aware how it pains you though i know it pains me just the same...
withering seemed so much more crisp in terms of suffering, now it feels like a drying freedom.
you're not here to watch me destroy myself, that's why i've gone - to be free to die away from the eyes of all who i no longer want to care for me.
it feels...
it feels terribly lonely.
i've been taking my notes, pouring salt, drawing blood, praying for touch, seeking safety and warmth, growling in my sleep, whimpering after i sneeze and withering.
this does not feel like life
it feels like errupting silently,
it feels as if i'm escaping without me wanting
it feels like me
no-one i know seems to see these, this has, once again, become my privately public outlet, cheers!
stranger Nov 2021
Peridot
That's what I'll call you,
The wind lifting the leaves and carrying them on through time .
Gentle.
That's what I'll call you.
Soft spoken yet you sound like a cello,
Im holding onto
Peridot shards in your eyes splinting my thinking.
I brushed my teeth today so sickly,
Coated my teeth in stomach acid,
At the thought of being overbearing and you denying it.
Peridot smirks but peridot muses.
Peridot forgives me for being so ruthless.
What have I got to give to you?
Nothing but a placeholder in time,
Nothing but a spot in universal memory.
You'd live forever in words but it's no more than a pretentious fad.
I lack substance and my mom told me to stifle
And not to give eronate hopes to fictional lovers because I'm instable
"Don't let yourself love and rage when you leave 6 months later"
Peridot you're real
At least I hope you are.
As real as a breath of spring
As real as the glimmering of rivers,
As real as I'd imagine you to be.
another little timestamp
stranger Aug 2020
The train
****** to wait for me as i count my steps
Going away
And returning
It always passes
Waiting for me to suddenly be stuck to the railroad
Waiting for me to never hear it
I think the train follows me but that's foolish
So i stay cradled in my words, veiled by the moon and my alternating fictitious emotions,
Wanting to be young forever
For being stuck in this timeline just makes everything beautiful.
My ****** youth makes bliss out of misery and condemns my joy for it to be kept for moments like these,
Retrospective of my self, time and the right way to be,
Startled by my conflicting sentiments,
Young anger of the frustrated, power hungry and discontent,
But grateful, for what I've lived and seen.
This is no note or ode to death,
Just a gentle message that i am well
And that I've been and felt plenty
So if thy mark of the end would think I'm ready,
I wouldn't cry, I wouldn't beg to stay in the remnants of me.
But if there's more to breathe than what I've had then, I'll inhale happily.
For the train to or not to hit me,
I'll have to keep waiting,
I promise i am not glamorizing, pain or anger or even lucidity
I am simply accepting comfort, commodity, a vile of short bliss before morning comes in emptyly.
I won't plaster this on the eyes of people to see but rather keep it, treasured antique of my immobility while I for once enjoy living, morbidly, but truly.
The train will get me
#me
stranger Mar 2021
și noi vorbim vorbim
de azi până mâine
râdem murim,
cu sau fără companie.
dar noi vorbim.
iar când dormim
atmosfera miroase  a mine și tine.
și cu toate dezamăgirile,
golim rapid iubirile
și ne regăsim pretutindeni.
tot vorbim,vorbim
la nesfârșit, cât de teluric
visele ce le primim
cu sau fără merit
ne șoptesc șovăielnic
că nu vor să-mi achit
ura pentru tine.
stranger Aug 2019
Cold walls.
I don't have much to do.
Just keeping my teeth clean and the sky blue.
I should give up on these calls.
Stay in the words leave the music.
Too much aspiration for someone who's fading.
Just keep on hoping.
Going head first won't ever hurt my physique.
But it'd scar my breathing.
Escalating and dropping.
Colliding into the form of my eyelashes falling.
But i ain't got much to do.
Just keep on looking pretty and never stop defying.
After all defiance makes them all feel guilty.
Ain't it?
Look at the crumbs of the older generation leaving behind suicide notes and hair fallen in the drain painting the baths green.
I ain't got much to do but live with the curious ideas and hopes that'd I'd see people again... Useless.
Just like me... The embodiment of summer rain. Nourishing for its moments of life but draining and drying the land once the sun's back up.
Summer rain.
I ain't got much to do really.
Just follow the course with no objections or passion.
Staticly making my way through life.
I'm too young to be thinking these things.
I should be there expressing what I fight for and laughing in the crowds.
I'm too young to be this.
I've given myself more years than I should've.
But I ain't got much to do left.
Just keeping myself alive.
4 days left
stranger Jul 2018
Pick any ride you like
Do you want to go to the one in the distance?
Or this overly colored one...look it’s so bright!
The other one’s too far away...look the bright one’s now turquoise.
*
Oh look there’s a black rollecoaster... but it seems so broken down
I guess it was cool before but now it’s all rusty
Maybe we should go to that fast food shack all our friends are around
*

Oh no it’s raining all the neon lights are going off!
The buildings and rides  are falling apart!
Except for that black rollercoaster’s ticket shack
run there it’s safer
Why aren’t there any tickets...why is it full of alcoholic liquor?
Lighting strikes again and the floor pulls us in
I guess we will be part of this attraction when nobody will come tomorrow morning.
*i tried comparing my feelings to an amusement park I guess it didn’t work but eh....*
stranger Oct 2020
Displace
Misplace
Replace
Me.
With another.
Or perhaps something entirely different.
Don't you get tired of yourself?
The scabs on my knees and elbows crack at the feeling of despair.
They bleed out red and green thread, love and envy for the undead.
This is just an escape,
Another rusting coping mechanism thrown out to the pile.
Don't you ever get tired of yourself?
The routinical sequences living inside my head would agree,
She's exhausted
She's tired of me.
stranger May 2020
I search for wisdom in others
So I can relax
Lay back and not do anything.
I don't need to be wise
My skepticism wouldn't have to tire me.
It's so easy to lean on someone
Be it their body or mind
Their actions or opinions
It's way more comfortable.
Because forming a singular personal identity
Is seemingly impossible.
What is me?
What sets me apart from my ego, whatever I project outwards to the people?
So why be me when there's someone else I can form onto.
Parasitical existence by all means inclusive,
Online, offline, flatline.
I can be you when I can't be me.
I can be you when I am tired
I can be you when I'm lying
I can be you when I don't like me.
Because my persona is picture perfect I can exude my flaws onto someone and my aspirations on someone else.
So I end up being a split formation of self.
The 27th part of me you can find on said website.
Cuz the media is eating me out while my family watches.
What are my ******* core values.
How can I be me when I don't know how I'm living?
So I form me into something else,
Permanency hurts so I morph.
Silently.
huh
stranger Jul 2018
I buy lighters nowdays
Everyone thinks I smoke
NO I DON'T SMOKE AND HOPEFULLY WILL NEVER
I do light up candles and watch them burn
I do set pages and pages on fire
I do try to burn my thoughts away but they always return
I don't smoke
I color with smoke
Whenever I blow out any candle
I let the grey surround me
Whenever I light it up again
I turn the lights off
So the warm light can color my cold walls.
I don't smoke
But there's cigarettes everywhere around me
Their smoke and hateful scent imprinted on my clothes
And that scent is not mine
NO I smell like candles
My mom put the cigar scent on me
I try to take it off
Shouldn't it be the opposite?
Well I don't smoke
But I am slowly dying.
I actually don't smoke
stranger Oct 2021
My swollen lip
I bit it when I was freezing.
That one rib throbbing from underneath me
Yours are moving graciously,
Creasing the skin between the bowed up package of 24-
Ribs wrapped in my clothes since it was hot enough to make summer in my room in this almost November.
I sigh.
Naturally we talk about whatever you'd like to hear from me.
Nothing too personal of course but I'm listening.
*** and boys and *** and boys and the ****** of falling in love with feminine energy.
So innocent is the love of woman I bet we're synching.
I stare at your nose as I blabber about a rethorical woman I'd be afraid to eat out in case I won't satisfy her.
You gleam in confidence discoursing me about it.
The words of woman, the touch of enchantress.
I give up on continuing, ending in something about my self hatred instead of *****.
The earth tremors know I ache to be loved and to love it.
I told you too.
It isn't me, but anonimity that's keeping me so neutral but frantically ******.
"you're so interesting..."
Thanks let's talk about clitoral ******* and prostate training, while I cry about not intending.
While I long to be dreamed about and lusted over.
While I remain bold in my silence.
What a skill to be given.
I bit my lip when it was freezing,
At the thought of ******* some sense into me.
stranger Nov 2018
Drinking CocaCola seems better
Than eating Apple pie.
Maybe i have the wrong mentality in the wrong weather
Bringing my feet down feels wrong when I’m so high.
I’m giving up you know
Everything is repeating itself
Memories, experience and chances that I blow
Inside my little bubble **** of course I don’t need help.
I don’t think there has ever been anything wrong with me
I sliced my ankle open the other day
I look in the mirror and hate is all I see
But **** what my mind can say.
Nobody sees out of their cliques
That’s why I travel in between their piles of thoughts
My mind feels
But I lost.
**** it all
For hope is limited
A wake up call
To everyone I’ve ever met.
I’m leaving
I’m feeling
I’m killing
My mindset
This makes no ******* sense
stranger Jun 2022
Tata îmi spune ca mi se atrofiază mușchii în mâna stângă
Așa că,
De noaptea ielelor nu o să mă mai mișc, o să-mi adoarmă corpul -lasă-mă să cad și nu mă mai aduna!
O să las ura ielelor să mă umple, să mă poarte cu solstițiul departe.
Tata tot îmi spune eu îmi dau urechile să le ia ielele, să le ia ielele.
Le dau lor corpul meu care zdruncină gânduri și suferințe,
Le dau lor venele și sângele care car alene globule, vise și cântece pentru sânziene.
Le voi da lor dragostea ce ți-o port, s-o ducă departe, să calce marea în picioare cu ea, să-i înflorească valurile vara ca să înghită țărmul toamna cu dragostea mea -o s-o dau lor, o s-o dau ielelor.
Le voi da cuvintele scrise și nespuse să le lase închise în codrii, să le ardă în focurile culmii.
Le voi da lor tot, vă dau tot ielelor!

Corpul ăsta rupt de timp și atât de tânăr, luați-l ielelor și făceți-vă lume
O coastă zâmbet pentru voi, ielelor!
Ochiul meu pentru cruzime, onorați-l ielelor!
Eu vasul pentru ura voastră, voi aduceți-mă de îndată acasă.

Dragostea asta pentru nimeni și pentru tot,
Luați-o voi ielelor!
Lichiditatea ei pusă în sticlă- poate hrăni pământul cât mor
Fulgeră și tună în mine timpul nerămas pentru dragoste, sânzienelor vă implor luați-o și ascundeți-o.

Mintea aceasta marmură de alamă, o povară pentru mine rogu-vă de-o aruncați.
Sau de-o păstrați ielelor, puneți-o la rece, să nu mai plece, să nu mai sufere.
Fie-vă sânge și sabie de-o luați.

Ielelor de noaptea voastră eu vă dau tot ce sunt eu,
Gură. Aer. Plămâni.
Șoapte. Atingeri. Înghițituri.
Mâini. Vorbe. Visuri.
Genunchi. Coate. Ocolișuri.
Ochi. Lacrimi. Sânge. și Podișuri.
Luați ce puteți duce și acolo unde mergeți, acolo să le distrugeți.
iele may your night rule!
stranger Nov 2020
i swallow salty tears as i remind myself what my 14 brings every year.
it brings me the "you're so alone" whispers,
the i have never seen such misery.
you tear *****.
you cry behind the ladder in the backyard while another round of bores rest in your house for this year's round of applause.
i age so carelessly i wish to never age like this again,
and i tell myself so
every
*******
year.
i know what 14 brings.
lustrous giggles
empty minds
sleepless nights.
nothing more than impurity
**** this 14
**** time.
i don't want my time anymore.
pointless to think my 14s will ever feel more than running out of air in your lungs,
ever feel better than a slap across the face from mother universe.
it laughs in my face.
i'd cry a little more if i wasn't running out of time,
cry at the romanian poetry I've received as a gift,
cry over my Edgar Allan Poe and Sylvia Plath gifts.
cry over my mom telling me i don't know how to have fun ever since we've moved.
cry over my daddy blowing me kisses from a phone thousands of kilometers away just like when i was six.
cry with myself in the mirror because i always end up like this.
november is the month of disaster and 14's the day of revenge.
happy birthday.
you'd think aging would matter
stranger Jul 2018
I dreamed you again
I just landed, I had wings
I asked you how you been
You just said nothing.
My dreams always give me some 6th sense
So I tried to change the verb tense  
How are you I asked ?
He looked so perplexed.
I realized the point that I missed.
So in that dream I went down on my knees
Pulled you down with me
And asked again what do you want to be?
But you started crying something I’ve  barely seen before
Collapsed on my dream’s cloudy floor
And showed me a star on your shoulder telling me it’s sore.
I touched it waiting for it to heal
And a thousand more started to appear
I asked him what have you done
He said it’s a dream every hope can be given or gone.
stranger Sep 2021
Sometimes i stand up and I'm taller than I should be
In the middle of the night, on the wooden floor I feel eyes above me.
I walk around, just a few steps to balance out my shoulders
And when I'm back in the room I'm back to normal.
Sometimes I look at my hands and forget that they're my own.
Sometimes I wake up from nightmares and go back to sleep to test if I still end up there.
Sometimes I step in the shower and forget how to breathe.
Sometimes I drink water and let it pool in my mouth not knowing if I should really swallow it.
To be so alone you start question if you're within yourself.
Am I keeping me good company?
My shoulders and their blades
My hips and their flames
How much is there left of me?
curious
stranger Dec 2019
Anticipation and all its fulfillment
Expectations and their dissapointment.
Laying in the bathtub on my birthday.
Like a fool.
And laughing sincerely
Scared of further living
Letting someone else love for me.
Because dreams are too vivid.
I don't like you I just need your warmth.
For now and probably for a month.
And it's so enchanting
How I'm so careless but so scared
So reckless but so restrained.
Too young to be able to understand.
How it all functions,
Young and flirtatious.
Keeping the rest to myself because anything else is a negation.
Broken promises and broken bones,
On loud nights when I drink nonalchoolic champagne.
Heat raves and the sky falls,
I'm 16 and alive.
How did I make it?
Young and clueless,
Life's a movie and I'm awfully egotistical.
Undoubtedly hypocritical.
Speaking to all the clouds and ignoring the voices around.
Baby, I tell them,  "ill never fall back into love"
I'm an idiot plus the stars said love's just a social construct.
An experiment.
So i stood there in the dark,  no water in the bathtub just me, listening to chuckles in my room celebrating my birthday.
birthdays and lonely hours.
stranger Jul 2018
There’s a spider climbing up the stairs of my heart
Just to pour its venom in
And I wanna break him apart
But i’ll just do what everyone else did to me.
stranger Jul 2018
Call me we both are just as lonely
Call me I miss the happy me
Call me I am over your drunken laughter
Call me right before your enlightened disaster.
Call me, you forsaken sin
Call me when ice lives inside my skin
Call me when you feel lonely within
Call me when you know what I worth and mean.
Call ME....
stranger Oct 2021
Break jaws, shatter bones
To live through anger and adrenaline
Maybe that's what's meant for me
Chaos.
What's your love got to do with me?
I'm cold and inadequately heartbroken
All you give me is ciggaretes...at least they're free.
Ears booming, did you touch me or am I mistaken?
An unwanted kiss would fuel the minimum
For me to live.
But you don't and you wouldn't.
When is it my turn?
To feel the profound and the earthquaking?
To not rely on anger to fill me.
I could cry on this bus
Could cry on the way home
I could cry but why would I
Ever feel anything.
This uneventful life they all call a movie
Is it so cinematic or have I been lying?
The anger learnt to speak for me.
To take to pride when shame is overthrown
To dream of genocide when life is aglow.
I have been hurtful lately
Raking up my dads brain about how he left me
Catching my mom unaware and sneaking in a memory.
I've been told my anger is holier than my guilt,
So shall it be.
I will burn the me that's been appearing.
I will **** her in cold blood and paste her tongue on the ceiling.
Boil her eyes and leave them dangling
Punish her for staring, punish her for living.
stranger Jan 2023
de nepedepsit
m-am topit de nenumărate ori deasupra conceptului de a fi
de nepedepsit.
în greutate și durere, în extaz și plăcere
de nepedepsit indiferent.
imunitate și scutire.
când mă ating, când mă vreau, când iau foc și las scrum in urma mea
sunt de nepedepsit.
când mă arunc, când mă ridic, când mă sărut de
noapte bună blând
în mirosul ăsta ascuțit, de neuitat, de nepedepsit
când împletesc invidie în păr și mângâiere
nu mai știu cine sunt, cine ești
știu doar că sunt de nepedepsit.
sunt de nepedepsit.
ereditar, primordial, frumusețea de a fi turnat, clădit, construit și uitat de nepedepsit.
stranger Sep 2021
While I wait for the water to get warm
I'll write you a verse.
About how love's like a door,
That most definetly should stay closed.
How love is being alive
But how it won't forget.
Come to think of it, maybe love's disguised,
And it's actually death.
How I'm 17500 mosquitos,
And you're all the blood we'd ever dream of
And I'd drink you up until I explode.
How love's a distraction,
And though I haven't met anyone after her,
I'm afraid love might lead to self-destruction.
Like the dead roses in this cola bottle,
Like my lashes batting to avoid another battle
Like how the people leave and let their wind-chimes rattle
Forever.
What's love but irrational?
What's love but conventional?
I'm made to be obsessed with it, why not just take it all?
Mind and body might never slow down.
What's love when you write about two and you're only one?
stranger Dec 2018
blunts
head counts
bounds
of the hungry hounds
bless my heavy heart
and my empty mind
dancing in the dark
till all my nerves collide
it's all alright
wine breath in sunlight
i'll be ******
if i sell myself to wonderland
dreaming about purple mists
and colored fists
facing the edge of the world
while still counting dreams
going out drains me of thought
stranger Apr 2021
I miss you
I love you
I envy you.
I grit my teeth at the thought of you.
You're drowning in Dostoievski and I'm just a hungry animal.
I'd recite my poems to you but you'd pay no mind to such illusion.
Send me a dream when I were simpler.
You know I'll love any song you'd show me so now that I caught you it's just plain suffering.
Because the more I sink into it the better spacing for all my lungs air to escape, out of lost love.
I wish i had a chance to emote such thing to you.
Love.
Unleashed dogs like me can't afford such luxury.
So I'll let you live in memory.
I'll paint my adoration as jealousy,
And keep you withing me.
Buried as a missed opportunity,
Non-corporal conspiracy.
You know you know you know you know
stranger Dec 2021
Am înghițit cerneală.
De pe vârful degetului în timp ce scriam despre *** îți place că mă uit la tine pe o pagină, c-un bilet, dintr-un caiet pe care-l car după mine infernal.
N-am simțit un gust anume.
Am simțit obsesie.
*** scriu, fragile linii pe foaie fără viață
Despre tine și despre *** înot sub gheață.
Despre *** rămân fără aer dar nu se vede pe față.
Am înghițit cerneală când mi-am scuturat stiloul și mi-am împroșcat ochii cu albastrul cuvintelor din somn,
Pe care le rostesc doar ușilor.
Să fie ferecate pentru oricine, să se deschidă doar pentru mine.
Eu scârțâi dar plutesc în gânduri rupte din grădini botanice fermecate
Regina nopții și socul rupte și aranjate.
Pentru tine în șoapte dulci - amărui de dragoste.
Inocent otrăvitoare mi-ai dat obrajilor culoare.
În ochii tăi ce smaraldie desfătare
Ce rana arzătoare.
Ruptă meschin din zare.
Cu cerneala pe limbă îți *** spune că te simt acasă, un tricou purtat înseamnă minim două zile de somn nicio zvâcnire falsă.
Mi-e frică să strănut ceața ta afară,
Să rămân fără
Tine în somn,
Limbă și cerneală.
stranger Jul 2018
My insomniac friend
What kind of thoughts what kind of regrets
Won't let your day end?
My insomniac friend what kind of music could sooth your worries?
Could I be the one who owes you some sorries?
My insomniac friend why do you stress?
You said it's not the worst but the best.
My insomniac friend why do you keep hiding?
You've gotten so good at lying.
My insomniac friend who could you be?
I think I found you one night living inside me
stranger Jan 2022
clouds have been shaded,
split and shaken.
for my skin sizzling and my words unpoken.
faded wanna clasp my mouth shut.
can't walk, can't burden.
wanting to be a child of tommorow and count my days until 27.
lover's worried and I can't figure out who to hate.
the conviction to be fitted for disaster, it's already too late.
lover's screaming in my dreams, sounds like matching fate.
sky whispers,the scale tingles, I'm 57 kilograms of feeble.
a leech so loyal,impatient parasite...a crawler.
enamored enough to follow.
stranger Jul 2019
My yellow nail polish is chipping off
I'm an amalgamation of skin... Too irascible at times.
Whatever feeling the burn on my finger holds,
It's never for me to find.
But my broken nails say otherwise.
I've taught myself to be quiet but every other bubble has to burst right?
Morbidly watching time pass me by.
I feel older than I should be.
Like my entire life flashed by me and it wasted itself in one of the new year fireworks.
Milisecond lasting sparks.
16 years of them.
Sparks that ignite fires sporadicly over the wrong beings.
Ain't I a walking masterpiece?
The pretty girl carrying fire in the pockets of her jeans.
Spark up my existence if you could.
Kick-start my delusion.
Perhaps I'll be able to understand my own vision.
Dreaming away life ahead of itself.
I'm getting the hang of it.
My writing stopped putting in the effort to make sense.
Or was that me?
I'm feeling hazy in another universe.
Fading away rapidly.
Running up and down my stairs
I fear the day this house'll be empty.
So I remain home in despair.
I wish I could see myself clearly.
if anyone reads this tell me if you've got any feeling from it, tell me if it kickstarted your synesthesia, tell me my words still make sense.
stranger Mar 2022
The face of melancholy
Sometimes all you do is remind me,
How walls are enclosing
Life.
How far away must the hope be,
Towards which always we...
Run yet stray away, I might.
Over-rule my own self in this bathroom,
Give out my last exhale before the carnations bloom,
Watch this vein of mine become a river, a sliver, a rune...
To sicken.
I lay my youthful worries on the ground to rule some other roots some other fool,
While I dig away a place to rest and pray that I don't drool  on this placeholder of life to let the lilacs bloom in mockery.
By the time I wake up I will arrest the awful need to return and make the grass my sheets and the bulbs my pillow,
Dig further and hope I never reach an end below.
I pray I am forgotten quickly and never searched for remains, I pray to never watch you suffer ever again
And so I'd try to be the soil beneath the life remaining,
Some mournful quick loss to lessen the tension, to plumpen the entertainment.
A casket made of flowers, stuck to the pavement,
A breath unshaken silently kept.
stranger Sep 2021
I know you're sitting on that chair
So distinguished
Say my body doesn't belong to me.
So famished.
So i hide and sleep my hallucinations away,
Wake and drink my tea like the English men
Smash my knuckles on the furniture to retaliate hell.
Sing to the wooden panels to feel like they care.
Click my pupils into place wishing I'd never use them.
I am curious in my manner of living by simply choosing not to and observing.
I keep on sipping
I keep on inviting,
Never throwing out.
Peculiar to complain about being full of thought,
I guess it's really the time to declutter and make room for heart,
To break, to rummage, to ache.
Make a spectacle out of myself
Bury myself in lust, envy and ***.
To never ask again to only listen to how souls beg.
To be a feminine classic
A delinquent movie where all I can do is dancing and drinking.
My dreams have become masochistic.
I'm tired of being existence so cystic
I used to be benign look where that got me.
Foul mouth, living so parasitic.
I never wanna see my mother, my father, my neighbours, my friends, myself ever again.
Just dissipate
Just titrate
Into dew
Into Rust.
Try to co-exist with dust
Yum
stranger Aug 2019
2 days
In 2 days I've learnt to hold my nostrils closed not to cry and to spray the house with floral mist.
Nothing else.
I feel it in my bones I don't belong here.
Amongst the people that speak my own language.
They speak such dirt, in a way that angers me.
Makes me want to sell my language at an auction.
Anger.
My mom told she'll never let me walk the streets of my city alone.
That this ain't no place for me but she still brought me here telling me that there's no place I wouldn't blossom.
Wrong!
It's been two days and I'm already withering.
Waiting for the hot water that's never coming to fill up my bath I'm daydreaming about never being born here.
I'm afraid of speaking in public so I use any other language, making others speak for me, forcing my sister to not blow a word in the language she grew up with.
She doesn't understand and I'm sorry for making her to such thing.
She doesn't realise her sister's a coward who's afraid of her own words.
And mama.
Her accent always gives it away so I hide.
Rotting in between the boxes in my room and whisper strumming my guitar hoping it'll put me to sleep.
This is no home.
No place for me.
But I've learnt to hold my nose and to not cry.
I am no such killjoy to cry at the hope of others.
Such blind hope though, I'd say.
Switching from:
"we'll never have money again"
                       to
"you shouldn't be so cynical about coming back"
It's something I don't understand.
I'm so afraid ill lose this language.
That I frantically write and speak just to ensure myself I'm not losing my mind.
I can't find the right words and I can't seem to be able to speak properly.
I still seem to force a laugh or too ironically I feel like I programed myself to do such a thing.
Calling and talking to people far away but close to my heart just to make them laugh, telling them I'm in pain but laughing right after like it's just a split second of regret that'll go away.
I've gone back to lying.
I've never stopped lying.
**** me.
Stealing signs off the street and acting like a stranger.
That name was always meant for me.
A stranger to the world,
My family
My friends.
A stranger to myself.
The first poem I wrote after I moved back
stranger Jan 2022
§
I wish to be bones
Undoused by this vinegar scented shirt
Alone, a spring in this bed, a splinter in the headboard.
Writing love poems is so facile
Easily infatuated, I fall in love so heavy
Detailed manuscriptic, I'm pulling.
A love that isn't mine to be keeping.
A love that only I'm loving.
Like always cursed being.
The snow underneath me won't be melting,
Anytime soon.
Martyrdom crinkles and still I'm the one suffering.
What's not to be working I do it to myself lately.
Eyelashes catching ice, sleeping is my demise.
Snowflakes to be kept on the tips of my black gloves, I'm fighting for myself or at least I try.
Should've known desperation was no love, not worth it but my
Heart is lingering in stomach acid, cuz I've buried myself so deep, I'm crawling.
Out of bed every morning sickly to the kitchen table promising that I'll be cleaning up
Myself off the floor and sheets and never feel like this
Ever again.
stranger Aug 2021
Expect rain when the flies start to sting
So I start to think
About my mom and what she'll say when she sees me smoking
Probably dissapointed, probably failed
That's all I learned from her anyway.
She'll probably say.
"they were better back in my day"
"if you're gonna smoke at least smoke something better"
I've been eyeing her fancy menthols lately, and I'm no quitter.
She'll see my swollen eyes and swallow in a way, so bitter.
I know, I've seen it before, I guess she'll know too, sooner or later.
That I'm just like her and my father.
Glinting failure, so unknowingly human.
I know I've promised many things,
The first was that I'll never smoke, then again, then buy a pack, then care.
But at least they were right about one thing in there.
Never say never, it'll follow you to your grave , there's no point now to dispear,
I'm hungry for more why should I care?
Young and dying alone, what a story to tell!
hah...
stranger Jul 2018
It's silent
Cold even though it's summer
It seems forbidden
To be any happier.
The tense atmosphere
The erased and redrawn smile on your  face hurts
Though I did not erase nor drew it
I have no idea where else I could lurk
No idea of what I can eat.
I feel so alone yet protected
It'a shame what I became
Myself, the protection of the family's soul
Myself, the destruction  of it all.
I, the petting child
I, the pathological liar.
I am alone, yet I want to be lonelier
I am sickened, yet I was never better.
stranger Sep 2021
Metal teeth
Silence must be so unbothersome to some
Metal teeth clank in their mouths, they laugh and I yawn,
This is just another excuse of life
A little pretentious opportunistic hiccup.
I'm a little under 18 but still better than any wife.
Here, scared I'll get touched so I'll hide behind my dad
Who doesn't notice the place where he's crammed
His trophy daughter and the lifes of too many unfulfilled *****.
5 hours later we're heading home together and I can't stand the voicings of politics over Jeff Buckley.
I know my dad must feel guilty, at least momentarily.
I'd stare at him from my position of the unlikely dame, the stubborn damsel
Tell him through glares that I will stumble into my sneakers and leave unbothered like the silence.
I'm presented and admired or hated while I should be out there living my life out of coherence.
Instead of listening to my own words twisted out of context I should've been on the sidewalk clinking  powdered xanax in a jar with no consciousness.
I'd say it's cruel if I wasn't so used to it.
I'd cause a scene if I wasn't scared of being charged criminally.
I'd stop smiling and pretending but that's all I've got in me.
It's alright now, I'm taking my revenge, voices screaming in the car the world must know I'm angry
Though a pity, oh too pretty too be crying.
I've been submerged so long ago the past years have just been a permanent crave for drowning.
stranger Jun 2022
ochii migdalați
ochii triști,
mi s-a mai zis...
mă spăl pe dinți până dau de sânge.
știu că e de rău, știu să plec când începe.
am deschis geamul, am lăsat o lumânare roșie-aprinsă de dragul lui iunie
un strop, o linie trasată pentru dragoste
nu. nu dragoste, obsesie-am decis să scriu în secret, timpul se dă înapoi și el.
pact cu lumina o să fac curând, să mă țină în haloul ei sfânt, să mă țină atât de divin în capcana ei curcubeatică.
aud voci și miroase a tine, trag draperia să-ți picteze prezența roșie, cărămizie, tiranică
am să-ți fiu sânge!
*** *** eu mai bine, şiroind sfios din vene, înfloresc damnat pe gene și mă usuc juvaier.
dispar dacă ***, dacă nu, halucinez în mirosul ăsta ce își știe ispita din aer.
mâine se transformă în ieri, eu în topaz meschin, labradorit stingher.
mă sting și fur suflarea lumii n-o mai dau la nimeni,
mă sting și eu cu tine, în bolta asta feerică de sânge - nu mai vreau să mă simt mâine,
o pulbere fină a unui om desfigurat, una dintre multele dorințe ale unei minți hapsîne.
grăbește-te și scoate-mă afară din mine!
de ce scriu în română?
stranger Jan 2021
may i impress
and may i terrify
the streets confess
that they search for my eye.
contently lost,
i do my best to irritate.
though if my eyes find you... will you fear or run to.
74 stares, 16 call outs, 7 offered rides, 1 ****** coffee.
all for a pretty outfit.
like nirvana said
**** me.
they would never.
because along with the pretty there is volatile anger
eyes that search to burn not to kiss,
hands that will only ever touch to ****.
but still so pretty,
mirror me admits,
said she'd **** me.
such beautiful lost potential walking the streets
floating in this pavement sea.
dream about me will you?
something nice, some sun, a smile or maybe even two,
dream of me and love,
not hunts nor haunting questions.
dream of me in peace.
serenity.
****, did it on purpose, attention deficiency **** kid, that's me
stranger Jul 2018
Soul without a chance
We morph into one another and we dance
Corrupted souls.
Haunted by every thought and turned evil.
Closed doors leaving forever.
Souls pursuing happiness
Reaching out for it
Sometimes they succeed but nevertheless they give up to it.
That happiness takes over
Corrupting your vision forever.
Are you happy, pleased?
I watch everyone cry for happiness down on their knees.
I guess I enjoy studying people and their feelings and how they behave. I find people's minds fascinating
stranger Jan 2023
No-one taught me how to be a lover
But it mustn't be this complex...
ill take in this lisanthium breath and make a lover out of myself again.
No-one taught me how to be a lover and yet,
I want you to touch me like an inkspill
To touch me as thirst would sip
Touch me like I'm heavenly and you're burdened in sin
Touch and seek the lover in me.
I may never be your lover to keep
But im so tender and warm and in need
Oh im so unheld please give yourself to me,
I'll show you how a real lover breathes.
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