people change everyday
so i vow to fall in love with you
every time the sun rises

s.s

i want to get high in foreign cities
travel to places i have yet to lay my eyes on
pack a bag and take off, my only motive to feel free
i want to kiss lovers on pavement my toes have never touched
beneath trees rooted with legends in their leaves
ensuring everlasting love
and i want to feel light, rather than weighed down
anchored to one small town
i want to drop everything and get away
to places where time is altered
and the stars are always present
whether it be in the night sky or people's eyes
i want to fall in love with strangers, cities, and scenes
i crave so deeply to feel free
to start anew

but at the same time
i want you to come too

s.s

pull you close
grab my waist
rest my hands
on your face
kiss you slow
close embrace
lift me up
wearing lace
hands will drift
press and trace
melting with
the sweet taste
love on lips
time to waste
you and i
in this place

s.s

i want you
in every way there is to want a person

from lazy rainy days
sitting around in underwear
wrapped up in the covers
enveloped in each other

to lustful late nights
high happy and in love
too absorbed with each other
to focus on anything else

i want you
and i see so much in you
that counting all your perfections
would be like counting the stars
there's too many to keep track of
and they just seem endless

i am utterly in love
with every inch of your being
every corner of your mind
and everything in between

i might not know what i believe
or where i'm going
or what i'm doing
but i do hope
you'll hold my hand
and wander blindly with me
because as long as i'm with you
i don't need a destination
you are the journey

i am simply enamored with your entity
captivated by your character
fascinated
infatuated
amorous
in love

when you accept
you were more in love
with the memories
than the man before you
and you stop
making excuses
for the way he destroyed you
your heart begins to heal

s.s

in a parallel universe
you never broke me
and you still speak of me
with love on your tongue

in a parallel universe
your eyes still drip with desire
begging for me to come closer
rather than never even looking my way

in a parallel universe
you still love me
as much
as i still love you

in a parallel universe
is where my heart lives
and maybe that's why i'm not over you
because in some world i still hold your heart

and in all worlds you still hold mine

s.s

he may have broken her
but her eyes will still glow golden in soft sunlight
even if her cheeks are stained with tears

s.s

i understand, we are a dead end. we reached our final destination as strangers with complicated memories and there’s no turning around. there’s no way to walk backwards into the past or reverse time, but that doesn’t change the path we took. there are still all those memories behind us. every choice we made was another chapter in our story and those don’t disappear, so even though it is pointless would you stand at our end and admire them with me. although the film is over, stay and watch the credits. replay the good in your head like we were a fairytale and appreciate the bad for the lessons it brought. keep our story on the bookshelf of your memory but promise me you’ll pick it up and flip to your favorite pages at least once more. i understand, every good thing has it’s end, but please, for the sake of my sanity, let me know it was worth it. let me know you wouldn’t change our path even if you knew what was at the end. let me know i was worth it because love, you were worth everything.

s.s

walking away from you
is the hardest thing i've ever had to do
but i need to fix myself
and i spend too much time fixing you

s.s

lullabies laced with lies
i sang them everyday
convincing you and everyone else
but i let the truth decay
said i no longer cared
and at the moment i really didn't
but deep down inside
i knew i couldn't believe it
because at the end of the day
i really did care
but i knew it would hurt you
and it was a truth i didn't want to bear
i wanted to push it away
and appear the perfect person
but after so many mistakes
it's about time i learn my lesson

s.s

congratulations
you did it
you found the last straw
my breaking point
you lost me
and probably didn't deserve me anyways

s.s

i am from waiting rooms
from linoleum floors and iv cords
i am from sirens
(they scream in the front yard
as loud as my mother)
i am from my father's sickness
an eight year old adult
i learned to care for everyone
but myself

i am from mixed drinks and four counts
from nights as blurred as her vision
i am from all the words she won't remember
and the way they distort my self image
from too much responsibility
i am from the mothers day cards
my litte sister addresses to me

i am from my only Florida home
avocados and iced tea
from shared stories in the back yard
the boy i loved, who broke my heart

in my closet there was a cardboard box
filled with skeletons and secrets
a mix of different memories
to never forget what built me
i am from those moments
the calm, the chaos
the lovely life i lived

s.s

i am learning to love myself
like he never could
and darling
i can feel flowers
growing from my scars
reaching for the sunshine
of my new found smile

s.s

i've been flirting with death for too long
and my heart aches for him to take my hand
for his marks already linger at my wrist
so the least he could do is hold them

s.s

she never had a favorite color
always finding beauty in every shade
and when asked her favorite color
she simply spoke in a daze

"the greens of summer grass
bright and welcoming bare feet

the golden yellow of evening sun rays
how they dance across the sea

the deep red of fresh cut roses
brought to lovers doorsteps

the pale pink of early morning skies
the orange and scarlet that melts with it"

she had so many favorites
until she met him

for the second
she caught a glimpse
of his light eyes
that made even a clear ocean
seem mundane
she undoubtedly knew

her favorite color was blue

s.s

darling, you don't miss me
you miss the attention

s.s

i am sick of it
i am sick of waking up
only to feel utter emptiness
completely numb to the world
i am sick of talking to “friends”
who couldn't care less
and don't give a **** about me
i am sick of looking at my loved ones
only to see the disappointment i have caused
staring back at me
i am sick of being a failure
when i am trying my best
and somehow doing worst
i am sick of the nights
when i cry my eyes out
feeling worse than ever before
i am sick of living
i am sick of people
i am sick of breathing
i         am        sick

s.s

a sad soul whispers
i wish i never met you
to the demon in the empty room
and it replies
with a voice that flows thick and sweet
almost suffocating
but darling you created me
and it laughs as her tears hit the sheets
and it sounds just like him
you do this to yourself
she can smell his cologne on its breath as it leans closer
he doesn't care and neither do i, no one does
it blinks and it's eyes turn as blue as his
she tries to look away but it grabs her cheeks so she gets one last good look at what she tries to forget
it won't let her forget
he won't let her forget
then it dissipates into the lonely space
but the weight never leaves the air

s.s

let's have a meeting
on the bathroom floor
doesn't matter where
my place or yours
you can poor a drink
and i'll poor my eyes out
i'll tell you what i hate about you
until you just blackout
because you just drown problems
and i am one of them too
because you never cared about me
i was nothing to you
then when you're passed out
and my lungs ache from crying
i'll tell your unconscious self
you made me feel like dying
but then i'd brush your hair back
and drag you to bed
tuck you in to sleep
and kiss your forehead
i would tell you sweet dreams
and feel my chest burn
i hate you for lying
but it seems i never learn
i would care for you
on your death bed
because unlike you
i meant the love that i said

s.s

hating you
hurts my heart
but loving you
obliterates it

s.s

intoxicated
it's easy to forget you

sober
you're all i think about

clear choice isn't it?

i see nothing in myself
but empty eyes
and a broken shell
so when you say you love me
i think impossible
there's just no way in hell

please forgive me
when i go
but there was a sadness in me
i never did show

i kept it buried inside
where only i could feel
and i tried to tell myself
that it just wasn't real

i hid it from all
because it knew what it did
it tears you apart
with a darkness you can't rid

and i have tried my best
and thought i could handle it
but it has been so long
it is time i give in to it

so i bid my farewell
it will be better this way
and know it's not your fault
but i could no longer stay.

s.s

you told me you were tired of living

i couldn't help but picture you
sitting on the edge of your bed
glaring at the bottom of a trash can
wishing you could throw up your last breath
rather than feel the nausea of a steady beating heart

i pictured you
hugging your knees on the bathroom floor
hands grabbing your mouth and chest
begging for both to stop moving
as tears leak out of red eyes in steady streams

i pictured you
wide awake as the hours steadily march towards sunrise
unable to move because the world kept you pinned to the floor
and you watch the clock tick and tick
feeling as though every minute was just another wasted

i pictured you
hurting in a way you couldn't bear
and i want to grab you and hold you
until the very sadness that makes you feel this way
seeps into my skin just so you can breathe

i can't help but picture you this way
because it is the way i was when i told you those very words
that i was tired of living
so i will do anything to make sure you never feel that way
and i will do anything to protect you from hurting

s.s

i need help
before i help myself
because my helping hand
is only leading me to hell

s.s

i really love
the thought of being in love
but i don’t really love
when push comes to shove
you off the bridge
into reality
where we
were never meant to be
this love things an illusion
a man made fallacy

and your ring finger
only holds a shiny rock
because his promise of forever
is long gone
with his ****
down her throat
as she’s on her knees
choking back
secrets of her own
because little
does he know
her husband
is at home
all alone

and neighbor is laying
with a pretty boy
between her legs
that distracts
from the one
laying in her head
and they fall asleep
in a mess of a bed
to wake up
and pretend
to be in love instead
of facing
the loneliness and dread

so we get off
completely unaware
that love is a lie
to pretend we are fine
i would love
to be in love
if it was love
i could trust
but there in no love
in this world, only lust

s.s

hearing you say
you're proud of me
is all the reason
to stay clean

s.s

drugs don't take the pain away, sure,
but they make it more bearable

so when you're wide awake and you haven't fallen asleep
because your thoughts have gone too deep
you won't sit and weep
about life being so bleak
because the numbness will take over when your high is at its peak
and your questions will melt away
turning the whole world gray
you wish you would have stayed
you want the happy life that feels so unattainable
you want that perfect person who seems so unforgettable
but all you have is a drug
when all you need us a hug
but the high is what's getting you through
you feel like an addict and it's probably true
but you won't stop until your skin fades blue
because the world's a lonely place
so you fall into space
with whatever gets you highest to forget a lovers face
and an awful sad place
and sure, drugs don't rid you of the hurt
but they make some things feel a little less worse

s.s

"i was done with her by then"

when i read that
i felt my ribs crack as my insides folded in on themselves
11:57
i can't fall asleep because those words are on repeat in my head
and i missed my 11:11 wish
but all i would have asked for is to have worth pumped into my veins to replace the empty feeling
i look at myself in the mirror over the flame of my lighter and almost understand why you did it
i am soft
the puffy skin around tired eyes welcoming like fresh soil
the curves and dips of my body
the waterfall of ***** blonde at my shoulders
the shaking lips that whispered i love you with such sincerity
everything about me is soft
especially my heart
so why wouldn't you use me
why wouldn't you lie
right into my eyes because you knew they believed every syllable
kissed my lips to feel alive because you knew every time they would melt
brushed my hair back and traced my body because you knew i was fragile and nothing would stop me from falling
i am soft and i trusted you
so why wouldn't you feed me the lies of what i crave
sprinkle i love yous down on my being
fool me into feeling special
it was easy for you wasn't it
it was fun to have me fall knowing you did not care one bit
knowing you were lying every time you said you did
you probably enjoyed watching me crash because it gave you power
and you knew i was nothing but something to cure your loneliness and get you off
but, my love
i will be so much more and you will regret making me your object
i am worth much more than that
i am sorry you could never see that

s.s

you dont have to be a writer to be a poet

you write poetry with the tears that glaze your eyes at three in the morning
you write poetry with the sound of your laugh and how your lips frame a smile
you write poetry with the eyelashes you bat at your lover
you write poetry with the words you whisper into their skin
you write poetry with the way your chest falls and rises with every breath you take

you dont have to put ink on paper
to be a poet
you just have to live

s.s

don't forget me
p l e a s e

s.s

one day

you will kiss the love of your life and fall asleep in their arms holding you tight because you finally have each other  

you will wake up late on a sunday to their face and it will be more stunning than the sunrise you missed

you will get dressed, watch them fix their bed head, and think to yourself how lucky you are to have someone so perfect

you will go on adventures and do all of the things you dreamt about

you will come home, to your home together, and get high on the kitchen floor laughing until you can't breathe

you will undress each other and kiss the body you've fallen for

you will lay tangled in blankets and their limbs and drift to sleep, only to do it all again tomorrow

one day
it will be worth it
the fighting, the pain, the break ups and makeups, the confusion, the mess
one day it will all make sense
and one day
you will both be happy

s.s

when i lost myself
it truly hurt the most
because how do you heal
when you are the ghost

s.s

she was an angel
with a grin of utter gold
and voice honey sweet

s.s

maybe we should keep our distance

hearing your laugh was hypnotic
and i forgot how it made me feel
i forgot how your voice sounded
how it eased my heart beat
but also got it racing
i forgot what you looked like when you laughed
how just seeing that made me happy
i forgot what is was like to hear about your problems
how just hearing you talk would rid me of some worried thoughts
i suppose i made myself forget about you
but hearing you say "i miss you"
brought tears to my eyes
because frankly
i miss you too
and i forgot how much i did
how much i still want to be with you
how much i still love you

but what i didn't forget
is i can't have you
you are far gone
unattainable
and of course
those were just your drunk thoughts
you are in love with her
i am just your friend
and we are over
i did not forget that
it just doesn't change how i miss you

s.s

it is strange to think
i will never again
taste love on your lips
trace your skin with more than my eyes
or ever call you mine

s.s

i miss you
like i miss the stars
in sky above the mountains
when i wander into the city
these street lights
just don't compare
and i miss you
like i miss the river
gently rushing over skin
this empty shower
just doesn't compare
i miss you
like nature
after deforestation
to our love
it was breathtaking
and it's fall
haunting

s.s

nothing hurts more
than the sweet lies
of fake romances
and the wasted time
of too many undeserved chances

s.s

be with the one who sees constellations on your skin and treats you as the brightest star in the sky
be with the one whose arms feel like home and you’d run to drunk in a room of everyone you’ve ever loved
be with the one who is satisfied with just your company and needs nothing more from you but your presence
be with the one who does everything in their ability just to make you happy and doesn’t let you go to sleep sad
be with the one who distractedly traces your skin just to remind them that such a wonderful person is not a figment of their imagination
be with the person that restores your faith in true love and good people
be with that person because they are not common and never let them go

s.s

you don’t hurt someone
you wish to keep in your life
you treat them with care
like a precious gem
because you know
their true worth

s.s

the gold trapped in my dark eyes
could make flowers grow
but the rain and crystal water in yours
could make them flourish

s.s

tell me you miss me
i will laugh with tear filled eyes
it was your choice love

s.s

poets
will make you see heartache in beauty
and love in disaster
they will make you feel
you will stare into a sunset
and feel your heart break
but grin and giggle
at the pouring down rain

s.s

every word is like a petal
every sentence a flower
so i must say
you arrange the most beautiful bouquets

s.s

welcome, welcome
to the poets parade
please join us now
and never be afraid
we welcome you
to march your words
across the screens of hundreds
to make your thoughts heard
we will stand with you
through thick and thin
and we promise to make sure
you don't feel alone again
we will be with you
through the good and the bad
and help you create art
out of the experiences you've had
yes welcome, welcome
to the poets parade
please join us now
and never be afraid

s.s.

"How do you fall out of love?
You don't talk with them, you'll fall into old habits. You go to the place you got together and fill it with new memories, so meeting them will be just another one in the past. You wash your sheets and clothing so nothing smells like them. You distract yourself so your brain eventually gets used to not thinking about them. You list everything that made them perfect and tell yourself these qualities can exist in anyone. You tell yourself that it means nothing when you hear their laugh again, everyone has one. Above all, you accept that none of this will work. You can't make yourself fall out of love, all you can really do is wait."

- Excerpt from a book I'll never write #623 (s.s)

relapse on the regular
prescriptions pass the time
too many thoughts crowd my head
can barely make this rhyme

searching through the dictionary
stored inside my brain
maybe if i put a bullet through it
the right words will pour out like rain

then i'll write my pretty poems
with the blood on the bed
to forget even prettier memories
stuck deep inside my head

then i'll laugh at my ceiling
let the blood trickle out
i am just hallucinating
there's no way to figure this out

s.s

an amber bottle full of dark secrets and broken promises
we press our chapped lips against the rim
the burn of the *** is the only fire left in my stomach
the shake of your hands is what i  feel in my bones
mommy taught me how to make a cocktail
before she taught me how to love myself
and long story short  i can make mixed drinks in my sleep
but self care is blacking out in the backyards of strangers

s.s

i. when you're no longer excited to see them and the butterflies don't make an appearance, instead you feel empty

ii. when their flaws are no longer perfect, they're just that; flaws 

iii. when a future with them is no longer in your plans, it's just a silly thought you laugh at, something long gone

iv. when you no longer dream of them, but they might creep into your nightmares

v. when the space with them no longer feels comfortable, it feels like secrets are hiding, waiting to fall out

s.s

it's been almost three years
some nights i still cry to sleep
the way you hurt me never heals
i feel it surface and weep
my mind is covered
in scabs and scars
tonight i'm bleeding
and seeing stars

s.s