i woke up with a pain in my chest
a frantic pulse, beating and beating
i feel as though i've reached my end
my once dead now awakened cravings
are all that i have left

there is this hopelessness that refuses to subside
no matter

with a weak heart, she smoked a ton
paired with weak lungs and an alcohol craving of ten men
god knows when she'll drink herself to death
"but not today, not tonight", she said to herself

n.j.

drifty blazed eyes open the skies
to be carried along currents of floating lullabies
a soul to suspend on teardrops instead of buildings,
clouds instead of windows, embodying birds instead of foreign creatures
---- i shift my exterior and fall into embrace
into the knowledge of good and evil
for i am with Her

(n.j.)

i hear the crunch of mundane mornings below my feet
it is not autumn but a distant memory
of hollow mouths that stretched, i remember so vividly
smiles quenching at the thought of breakfast
mother emptying leftovers, platters over sink
hands resting side by side
feet stomping away for what awaits
corners lingered by a familiar scent
of abandoned tobacco packets
and floral ascending from crevices
of cracked windows
distinguishable sidewalks and undersized shops,
i remember finding my way into
the sugar cones and plastic cups,

a perfect picture that forever
resides inside my heart,

i remember them so vividly

(n.j.)

I hear the clicking sounds
The reloading of a gun I do not own
I feel the weight of the object on my hands
And the mountains I climbed crushing my soul
My fingers dig deep into the skin,
Trying to find the demons that hide within
I entrust my secrets to them
Enough to confide my fears that I keep
They listen but their lips stretch wider into smiles,
Their embraces are welcoming,
But they leave me with marks and open veins
"I'll take care of you, you'll be fine", they lied
They kiss me with their razor blade mouths
I give in, trying to let them into my secured mind
I strip my clothes, almost like a salutation
They accept me with a bouquet of lilies,
And patches of unsewn skin
My body, my arms, my thighs are exposed

The next thing I know,
I am left with trails of fresh crimson,
And my life dripping into the mouths of my demons
Feeding the core and the blackhole I am engulfed in

n.j.

We sat at the end of the stairway
Outside your house past your garden’s gate
Our lips moved whilst exchanging words
Our gaze was vast beyond what ears are heard
My outlines remained shivering and unstill
We talked and talked draining our hearts once filled
Our lips ran dry, craving for water’s bliss
You then took my empty heart and leaned in for a kiss
You parted, leaving me immensely wanting for more
I held your hand and it pricked me like a thousand thorns
Blood started pumping through and past my veins
Into your chest, into your heart infected with pain
I didn’t let go to you holding on
Your lips stopped moving, your words drifted, it was done
I touched you once more, pressing mouth against mouth
Severing heart, this hurt more than our lips filling in the drought
You pulled closer; it struck harder, slashing past before my skin
I took hold of you, trying to stay stronger, mouth deeper than sin
Hand in hand, it was sinking in; I’m falling down the rabbit hole again
The stairway was gone, the gate, the roses, you were still there but I’ve lost a friend
The garden gnome, he held the clock, time was slowly ticking away
Bodies side by side, our hearts then stopped, it had almost seemed like it’s been days
She and I, once innocent, now bare, with no more dignity to hide
She whispered “come on Alice, don’t give up, we’re got our hearts to find”
Scourged skin, torn dresses, unpredictably she smiled
She said “I haven’t been this scared in a long time; it’s been quite a while”
Our footsteps grew distant yet the clock continued to tick
She lifted two roses obliviously, her eyes followed to the one I picked
She held it close to her lips, sliding the stem past before her skin
Blood started streaming down, there’s more than there has ever been
Wounds started to unstitch, scars started reopening
And with the greyest of eyes and the rose between her mouth, it slowly started unfurling
She gave me the slightest smirk and approached me with an embrace
I felt her warm touch draining inside me, the rose pricking me through
And the was the last time, I ever saw her face

n.j.

knowing that i left you
would you ever take me back?
despite the unfinished memories
and towered building blocks?
if you knew i'd disappear
would you never say those words?
would you cut me off our strings
would you never fall in love?
would you never fall for me?

n.j.