Searching for the name of this pain
Maybe find the knife that is jutting out of my chest
Because when no one is looking
I know that red lines will spread across my skin like red vines spread across the table
And while the lines are healing
The black hole is screaming inside
but its  constricting the lungs' oxygen supply
like the boa constrictor squeezing the life out of it's meal
The prey slowly losing the light in its eyes as it is consumed so quickly
The heaviness in my gut is sickening
As as I sit at the dinner table full of delicacies
I try to remember the joy they come with
The sweetness of this cherry pie
The savoriness of the poultry being passed around
Taking just enough not to be questioned
because if they felt how I felt inside
if they felt the knife in my chest when they hugged me
if they saw the light in my eyes dimming
if they felt the heaviness in my stomach
And when they ask me how I'm doing
I hope they don't notice my knees quaking and voice quavering
I hope they don't notice the fear that is sticking out of my pocket as I try to find answers

They look at my scars and ask me why
But unable to give them answers
I just let the tears flow
The begin to notice the cherry pie still on my plate
the lack of movement of my fork
I just shake my head
Because how are you supposed to explain the knife in your chest that doesn't have a name
How do you explain the red lines that spread across your skin
And the red vines that have become stale that are spread across your table
When you don't even have a name for the pain you feel inside
when you don't even know where the knife came from
When at the end of the day all you can see is these red lines and red vines
And all you feel is the pain inside

You've got me looking at the sky
Walking in circles
Apologizing for who I've become
And yet I still open these doors to you
Like I'm the gentleman and you’re the lady
When really it’s the other way around
You came into my life like a quiet storm
And I was confused because that always been my role in this world
You've got me hands in my pockets
Looking at the sun
Blinding me to all the wonders of the world
Letting you climb in through my window after curfew
Like this is just part of life
And this would normally be ok because that’s just what friends do
We take care of each other in the time of need
But I'm still trying to find how you gained all this power
In just a short amount of time
Although I feel like I'm still got the power of Titus
To turn this whole world to gold
Yet You make me feel powerless and clueless
Our friends look at us like we're crazy
Each telling us that each positive of the friendship is really a negative
When really what they are missing is that a negative one times a negative one always equals a positive
Yet they insist that we have rose colored glasses on
And the longer we keep them the harder it will be to fix these mistakes
But I'm looking at how things are going and I can't find their truth in our friendship
Because truly whether we have rose colored glasses on or not
We've made it work in our favor
With your strengths and mine we each learn something from each other
We're looking to the clouds
Listening to hard metal
We know that whether or not we have rose colored glasses on or not
If the fog we've got someone there to catch us

His instant coffee sits at the back of the drawer in the break room
Just like always
His coffee cup, work phone sits in his box waiting for him
Just like always

I wait for him in the mornings in the break room
Waiting, listening for him to walk through the door
Just like always

When the door doesn't open I remind myself
Its been two months now
Its been real for two months
And your never going to walk through those doors again
Your never going to pull out your instant coffee and coffee mug
Rushing around because your late for your shift again

So I work
I avoid "your" work
It makes me think too much of you
It makes me want to hear your joyful laugh again
So I work

Break time comes
I sit on the couch waiting
Sometimes seconds
Sometimes minutes
Sometimes the whole time
Waiting for you to come around the corner with a new discovery
To discuss your new favorite youtube video
But then I remind myself
Its been two months now
Its been real for two months

So I work
I avoid "your" work
It makes me think too much of you
It makes me want to hear your joyful laugh again
So I work

You're often the topic of discussion
I avoid it
It hurts too much
Your name is like the sound of nails across the chalkboard
Stabbing me in the chest making it hard to breath
Your name is like sugar
Sweet and sincere
Bringing a smile to my face

But I have to remind myself when I see cars that look just like yours
Its been two months now
Its been real for two months

So I work
I avoid "your" work
It makes me think too much of you
It makes me want to hear your joyful laugh  again
So I work

Like a small child sitting in the corner
Searching for their lost toy
Trying to understand why they're all alone
tears streaming down my face
Wondering where they all went
they had promises and hope to give
Yet while I sit in this corner
searching for the words my voice cannot say itself
The other corner is empty
This never-ending darkness is holding me hostage
Trying to remember how I go here
Struggling to remember what the light is like
Just searching for the comfort of a mother
the understanding of a friend
the protection of a father
tears wiped away
Running from the struggle sounds tempting
but I'm ready to take it face on
Ready Set Go

Your smile lights up the room every time
But lately it's gone missing
Like the sun hiding behind the clouds on a spring day
Everyone begins searching for it again
I see the light switch in your eyes has been switched off
I'm trying to reach it for you
Trying to help you find your smile
But I just can't reach the switch yet
Please don't give up on yourself
We'll flip that switch together
I'll hold your hand through this darkness and wipe away the tears that streak down your face
Because warrior doesn't mean superhero
We'll bring that sun out again
just one day at a time
I'll help you find the light again
just hold my hand
We'll take this storm on together
one day at a time
Just don't let go!

Sweet smell of addiction
Sweet taste of intoxication
The moment they touch my lips I know it’s a mistake
But the moment the feeling I get when the smell is inhaled
The moment the sweet taste hits my tongue
I know it all will be a regret in the morning
Brain slows down to a crawl
A nice change from the racing city traffic stuck in my head
Worries seem to just slip to the back of my mind
And no one's opinion seems to matter
What matters is me and my happiness
Sweet smell of addiction
Sweet taste of intoxication
I know it will be a regret in the morning
But I got to try to slow it down
Slow the racing in my brain
Got to bring the piece of myself that I can't seem to control back down from the clouds
It'll be a regret in the morning
But with each in hale
Nothing seems to matter
It's all just a joke
With each swig
It becomes more and more about me
It’s the sweet smell of addiction
It’s the sweet taste of intoxication.

Picking up the pieces
that are laying on the ground like shattered glass
So many pieces left on the ground
but the pieces keep falling between my fingers
Slowly breaking the pieces that weren't so broken into small pieces

Like a pumpkin smashing after Halloween
A pumpkin on Halloween night glowing and smiling with untainted joy
smashed and destroying the the smile on its face
Stripping away its temporary joy
Before its time
just like mine
broken before its time
searching for some answers

like a snowman searching for its head in the snow
with no answers in sight
the sun is coming for the snowman.

My story is simple
Like the life of a tree
That’s never been planted in the ground
Spent some time here and there
Never putting down my roots anywhere
Going where ever the wind blows
Afraid to put those walls down for anyone
Few and far between have seen me break
But here I stand
Fighting for this journey to be mine

My story is complicated
Like a grapevine growing against the lattice in the garden
Twisted and tangled
Growing in every direction
Never knowing what may happen next
Vines lying on the ground where life used to be full
Vines flourishing and reaching for this sky
Spreading slowly but strong across the garden
Reaching for some support and love
Patiently waiting for my turn.

My story is uniquely my own
Through my pains and struggles
My only hope is to inspire
Never cut down a vine of another vine
Through the storm I’ve come out bigger and stronger
But never on my own
With the support of my friends and family close by holding my hand
Sometimes just a hand on my shoulder knowing this battle is for me
But never alone
My story has plot twists and turns
Ups and downs
Moments of intoxicating laughter
Moments of heartbreaking screams
But my story is not about the heartbreak but about the strength I found from within
Before you I stand
Stronger than before ready to take on the world
This is my story
So come dance with me in the rain
And the sun
As the world rushes by us
We’ll stop to smell the roses
Because nothing is as sweet as taking a moment to remember the parts of life that matter.

These images dance through my mind
Of the past
Of the Present
And your words will always be at the back of my mind
But I hope you can see how much better I am without you
The spring flowers dancing in the breeze
With the colors
Blues of peace
Pinks of happiness
Yellows of freedom
Go ahead and say I'm missing you
Because what you don't know won't hurt you
I've got more freedom now
And I know myself more than I ever did when I was with you
Those butterflies are dancing with peace happiness and freedom
Helping me grow a garden that I'll someday call life
The perfect life for me
Maybe someday someone else can add to my garden with a red love
But until that day comes I'll grow my garden
Guard my heart and live my life how it should have been done the whole time
I'm sure you're missing the sound of my heart beat
And wishing that I were coming back to you
But you know I ain't the type to come running back after this much time
I'll always be an independent woman that you'll never be able to handle.