It isn't that I'm not enough,
No one could have filled that void,
I know I am not too much,
They were just too full to hold me,
I don't need to fit anywhere,
I am already the space I belong in.

Your silence doesn't need to be so loud,
It will still fall on deaf ears.

At the end of the day,
I just need something,
Anything,
Inside of me,
To fill the voids,
If it comes in clear baggies,
Or leather jackets,
It matters not,
If it just stays for a while.

I don't want enough
I want more than enough
I want one thousand,
One hundred thousand
Enoughs
I want enough to feel like
Nothing.

You see, I have this habit
Of building bridges
When I should be making moats

You love how I don't love myself,
A little feels like so much to me,
I couldn't tell you didn't love me either.

You are a collector
Of beautiful things
Art and artifacts
You can dust off
To show your friends
Turn the lights off
When they leave
For beauty is only real
If it makes others
Feel ugly.
I finally understand
Why you only call me
When you're with them
And stop holding me
When they leave.

I heard about how kind you are
How good you are with children
You are a good man, you know,
I'm lucky to have you around.

I heard about where you were
When you didn't come home
How lovely you were with strangers
Before you came home drunk to us.

Sunshine drips off of my skin
Pools on your sternum
Stars escape my eyes
Form constellations on your shoulder
I am bleeding galaxies
Sharing my veins with you
Blinding light pours from my mouth
You refuse to swallow it
Sit in the dark if you must, my love
I will never stop shining

I love you's
Were for goodbyes
They were paired
With apologies
With excuses
With control
I love you's
Meant "I own you"
And now
They mean nothing to me
Unless they hurt

You're an animal in bed.
By that I mean,
You devoured me
And then left the bones,
Like my body was scraps
For the starving.

I will not
Breathe life
Into the past
Dead is dead.

And if you wish to hurt me
Do it in the ways I hurt myself
I am the only one
Who still gets away with it

I do not need to look in your eyes
Whisper honeyed words in your ear
Trace your tattoos like a memory
Those mornings are long gone
But tonight, I will love you
Like I never left to begin with

How easy it is to forget that we are needed
And how sad we cannot see those that gather
When it is time to say goodbye

No one is good enough
Good enough died in 2019
I visit his grave sometimes
Before I visit you.

I am not a vessel for pain,
My body is not a graveyard,
To dig through,
To unearth,
To search for your losses,
If you come to me now,
Do not ask me for your past,
I have forgotten it,
Ask me for tomorrow,
Or do not come to me at all.

I have stood under hot water,
Pinching skin,
Breathing in steam,
Begging my lungs to heave,
To sob,
To wail,
I'm empty,
Just steam and grief,
Lodged in a moment,
I cannot escape from,
I am not happy,
You don't believe me,
I am not happy,
I am not happy,
I am not happy,
I cannot weap,
But I am not happy,
Do not take my smile,
Do not call it love,
I am not happy.

This wasn't the first time
But it will be the last time
I create an identifiable pain
To numb the persisting wounds,
That I let my hollow stomach
Swallow all of my sorrows,
That I go to bed hungry
Struggle to wake up again,
Just to Pace around my kitchen
Afraid to open the refrigerator,
I promise this is the last time,
It's always the last time,
Please let this be the last time..

You forgot you were alive
Long before you died.

Fill this emptiness
Beyond what I can hold
I crave a greater space
In a way only the shallows
Of the deepest sea
Could understand

This is for the "windows open and stars bright"
Your skin that smells like Hemingway novels,
The "ardently" Darcy spoke about,
For making the "silent unspeakable memories",
This is for bringing to life in me
Everything I read about,
To escape what I was living.
You are the book I always wanted to write,
The story I woke up in,
Living forever in the last chapter
Of my favorite fairy tales.

I knew I was good
I felt it when I looked down
Reveling in the work I'd done,
Yelling and proclaiming
So that you would know too
That I was good.
Oh, how small I was,
How small a thing to make you so angry.
I didn't know yet
How to make my joy quiet
For your bad days.
You would have loved it
If you'd have taken the time
To look at it.
To really look at it,
To look at me.
Would you have looked?
If I was good?

I wanted this so badly,
Until I didn't.

And with out question,
My heart of glass in my palms,
I dropped it and watched it shatter,
So I could hold your beer.

Someone asked me what it was like doing speed
If you're wondering, it was a lot like love
I loved it the way some people love playing guitar
The way some people love their mothers
The way some people love their God
I used it to express myself, to unleash my creativity
I used it to find solace and comfort, to make me feel all better
To put a bandaid on my scraped knee and tell me to keep trying
I used it so I would have something to believe in
Something better than what I was, something that believed in me too
I loved the way it made me to soar to new heights
I always forgave it when I crashed down to new lows
I loved the way it took my fear away of talking to strangers
I forgave it when I became afraid of people who weren't even there
I loved the way I made love so confidently when I was on it
I forgave it when I had to go to bed with strangers just to afford it
I loved the way it made me love myself again
I forgave it when I couldn't recognize myself anymore
Yes, I think it was a lot like love

Stumbling into a room
Innebriated, flushed
Sweat collects heavily
Over your brow
A shaky forefinger
Thrown into faces
Of strangers in the hall
And then back at me
Swears used as adjectives
You tell the tales
Of the disappointment
You can't help but feel
When you look at me
I find myself apologizing
For carrying your genes
For knowing you
For being born with your name
I find myself apologizing
And though I don't say it
I'm really apologizing
For not being as valuable
To you as whiskey.

I watch you tend to the celery
Weeding gently, encouraging
Little leaves tenderly
"You're growing" I hear you say
This moment is enough
To justify the love I possess for you
If you can tend to the seeds
Dirtier than I could ever be
One day you may even love me
Again, like you did
When I was as new as your garden
If you had tended to me so gently
Would I be here?
Or did you need me wilted
Desperate enough
That I might stay forever
Beneath the dirt
With you

I wear my shame
Like a damp blanket
I'm sweating through
These sheets
And losing sleep
Over memories
**** these thoughts
Like a fever kills sickness
**** these dreams
Like a fever kills peace

I wish this was about what is missing
I wish they'd have stolen all of me
Buried it somewhere
Pushed it out of a truck
Speeding down a highway
Too fast for
My mother to notice
Too quietly for
My father to care
It is what they left of me
For everyone to see
Out in the open
Ugly, marred
Screaming, biting
Foaming at the mouth
So unlike a daughter
The prodigal son
Is welcomed home
The feral mutt
Is drowned

I built this ending back in February,
Leaving work to make sure I didn't miss you,
Cancelling plans just to watch you live,
I can pretend I never loved you,
Yet I built more of myself on your well being,
Than I ever did on my own sanity,
When it is was never you that I wanted,
Just your love I had to prove I could earn.

How long will I look for my father's love in the beds of men who smell like him?
What will I do if I find it?

My shower won't stop dripping
My bed tips to the left and the bed springs stab me while I sleep
My closet growls at me when I open it like an unfed dog in the shelter
You said you'd fix this all for me, I said no, and no, and no - it's okay.
If you fix the shower you might want to fix the emotions that leak out of me in the middle of the night
When you remove the bed you might want to remove the memories of the man that ruined me for you
I growl like the closet door when I open open myself up, never willing to show you my skeletons dangling from their hangers
If my home isn't good enough for you, maybe I'm not either.

You took a match to the expectations
I had for falling in love
And walked through my door
On fire

When you forgave me
The weight finally settled in
Forgiveness stole away rage
God, God, God
Not again
What have I done this time
The dog asks
After it bit another gentle hand
If only you knew
The first hand
And the weight it carried
While it swung
If for pity or love
You stay
Oh, how tired you will grow
Carrying out the sentence
For a crime you didn't commit

I carry your wedding ring
Around in my pocket
The weight serves not as a reminder
Of your love
But as a warning
That even you
Could show such softness

You won't forgive me for this,
The fact I dont mind says more
Than what I did in the first place.

Maybe I needed you to walk into my healing
In order for me to let you walk out of my wounds

The fear in turning off the light,
Is never finding the switch again.

You only ever call me
To see if I'll still answer.

Of course,
I always will.

If all I could ever give,
Was just giving up
You'd still say it was enough.

You are afraid that if you are happy
It will hurt too much if you lose it
Grief fills the space where the happiness was,
To not feel either is just to be empty

You were different.. I was different
Something was different
And now I'm left here
With a bitter taste in my mouth
Wondering how liquid
Could change a person so much
How bright lights and loud noises
Could drown out my existence
Until you forgot I was ever there

I am ashamed for not being as in love as I thought I was
My heart didn't break, I just needed to break the silence again
By running water over my legs like I never opened them
From the waist down I am myself but if you smell my hair
You would find the scent of homes I've been letting myself into
Just to see if the beds are more comfortable than my own
I'm not trying to fall in love I just want to buy more groceries
Hear cutlery clinking while I eat instead of chip bags opening
To take a picture of two bowls for a ******* instagram story
To tell someone I got home safe when I crawl into someone else's bed.

I have said things I didn't mean,
The kind that you don't apologize for,
Until they know you didn't mean them,
Sometimes I pretend to feel things,
To protect someone else's feelings,
If I keep saying things I don't mean,
Maybe one day I'll mean them.

I share a face with the woman
Who always let me down
How else could I love myself
Except here, in the dark

Recognition sparks
Sly and toothy grin crawls upwards
Snaking across stubbled cheeks
Mouth ready to sink into soft flesh
I've tasted this venom before
Reminded of the paralysis
That always strikes
In hotel bathrooms
Why are my puncture wounds
More shameful
Than your sharpened teeth?

To see you in all of your light,
Basking in this stolen warmth,
I wonder if I ever should have left,
If I'd have stayed planted,
Maybe I'd be with the sun now.

I am hungry in the way
That a ghost longs for their body