They are probably mocking me.
Their blank stares would have sliced me if I haven't looked away.

Would have busking on the streets with a Bible in hand helped me?

I want to cut the ropes that hold my heart tight. They hold my breath too.
To finally see clearly through the thick walls of this cacoon.

I don't know what's holding me back.
From talking to those who are experts of the web, when I am like them myself...
Maybe it's because of the lock the evil one has placed on my mouth when I was younger.
When isolation is my friend and my enemy.
When standing alone in the crowd is my therapy but also reminded me of my weakness.
I guess I would take a long time....to ask someone to fill this survey.

Have you forgotten about the love for each other? And replaced with the materialistic love for money and things.

Have you forgotten about the beautiful, uplifting, life giving, meaningful music in the past. And instead made ones of self-praise, boasting money and pride.

Have you forgotten about those who cares for you? And instead pushed them away. Dismissing it as childish and only would happen to a child.

Have you hated the truth, and love the lies.
Have you hated and never loved...love.

What happened to loving God and ourselves?
What happened to loving each other?
What happened to being united as a Church, as people.
What happened to the connection between you and me, face to face.

It seems that being connected more and more makes us have less of a connection with each other, face to face, heart to heart.

Behind those screens, water in front of fire, or fire in front of water.

Dreams of money.
People wanting to be living barbies.
People wanting to be gods and be in false jolly.
Crying souls and loud cries and shouts.
But no one knew who was the ones crying for help.

O, Lord when would you come and save them all.
When would they ever stop suffering...
O Lord save us all, in this kingdom of darkness...
Save us...

I hope you saw the smile at the side walls of your eyes.
I hope you saw the wave of a hand underneath your eyes.
I hope you see the pain we have even behind the painless smile.
I hope you see how far grace has carried you.
I hope you see the faces of those who are dying in the inside.
I hope you see the swaying of the trees and the laughter of birds remind you that you are alive.
That you are His.
And He is yours.

How can I say that I love you and don't show it?
How can I say I won't but I did it...
I am sorry.
I am very sorry.
Truly sorry.
Please change me.
Take this heart out and give me a new one.
One that truly loves you. That wants you.
That desires for you.
That you will be my heart's only desire.
Lord, spark that fire.
Within me.

Happy. I am fine.
But there is this part of me that isn't.
That is still broken inside out...
This burden I have.
Stones of smoke laid in my heart.
I try plucking them out myself...didn't work.
I am dying while living.
Sad while happy.
Broken....while healed.
I cast my burdens to you, Lord.
You asked me to.
You want me to.
You would not let me slip and fall.
You never rest.
Thank you.
As I lay...helplessly helped.

"Who are you?"
"Well, I am Joshua."

That's how I would have always said in the shock that someone, SOMEONE, talked to me.

No, I didn't know myself.
Locked in a chamber of anxiety and wanting to be among THEM on their shelf.
To be labeled as cool.
To not be like a fool.
Someone to be laughed at.
Mocked and torn I don't wanna be that.

Already torn I replace them with fake zest and excitement.
"Finally, I am welcomed."
When I left primary school, that place of...pretense and regrets, I stood there in the new school.

"Who are you?'
"I....don't know..."
"I mean...I play sports...I played catching with the cool kids..."
"Urm....well, I don't like cartoons..they aren't cool..."
"I am...."

"Who are you?"
No respond.
I feel like such a lost con.
Those aren't me.
Those answers aren't me.
"Please accept me..."

"Who are you?"

"Stop!"
I screamed in the room of my mind.
My echoes, echoed in the emptiness of this room.
Shutting up the messy voices in my head.
Who is trying to get a place in my head.

"Who is who?"
I really don't know.
I fall for it's tricks sometimes.
It's cunning, slick, twisted hands grab on me.
And I fall into it.
Only to wake myself up.

"How can I live when I don't know who my voice is"
"How can I live when I don't know what is God's voice?"
How can I be such a failure....there you go again, falling into the traps of these lies.
And yet again......see....I just can't stop believing in those lies.
It tears me apart in the inside.
Careful to not break me on the outside.
So that people won't know the storm inside of me....
So that I would be alone.

"Stop being so stupid, foolish, distracted, and stop being such a failure....you are so stupid...you truly are..." I say as I speak to the mirror...

I wish I was back to the times when I knew you. When I knew everything about you. When I knew who you wanted to be. When I knew what was happening in your life.  When I knew you, genuinely, true to life, in real-life.

It's been a couple of years. Not much has changed,   your eyes were watering, but you dared not say you were sad, broken and let down.

Now I don't know if you are true to me, true to what you say, what you show to me.  If you looked happy I won't know if you really were sad, unhappy.

Now I am doubting if I did my job. If they were secrets you kept from me since the very start of our adventure together. Maybe it is for the better.

I don't know you anymore. This I am sure.

I might not know much.
But i know just this much about racism.
That it hurts.
that it scars and tears wounds apart.
that it kills and murders.
steals and slanders.
breaks and ruins.


Different people.
Different beds that they sleep on, is this how it is?
That some feel cold in a thick winter jacket.
That some feel starved even when they have enough.
putting labels on beautiful jars.
filled with the most beautiful of hearts and dreams untold.
words that burn.
burning them like paper.
are you one of no heart?
or perhaps a heart that simply has no sense of love.
that simply doesn't understand.
you say "its just a joke"
but it still burns them up with fire and smoke.
how those flowers die slowly i might know.
but i would need your help so that you don't have to know.
so that, you could put them back together and make them whole...

If I was broken.
Would you take the time to fix me back up?
If I made mistakes,
Would you forgive me? Even if I might commit the same mistakes again?
If I changed,
Would you still love me just the same, unchanged?
If I hated you,
Would you continue to love me? Despite the hatred? And love me just the same?
If I avoided you,
Would you chase me down and never give up?
If I got blinded by fame,
Would you help me to clear that dust away?
and will you be the witness of my pain?

You slept in a nightmare.
You didn't care.
You didn't want to wake up.

The reality is more painful and scary than the nightmares in your head.
You didn't want to wake up.

Tired of waking up to just find a nightmare of a life.
I was just thinking what if the dream needed you?

I didn't choose to be in pain.
I didn't choose to see the death of another, or myself.
I didnt choose to be in this time of suffering and agony.
I won't have chosen them.
I would never want to forget them.
How they taught me to forgive.
How they taught me things I otherwise wouldn't have learnt.
How they could set someone free when I am in chains...
How I am locked tight to your Love.
Never to be able to leave.
Never to be able to run away.
Huh.
I could have never been happier.
To be in chains.

weakness is my strength.
Because God said
his power is made perfect in weakness.

He can make my darkest nights
into fires to warm other people's hearts.

He can make my wounds into
reminders of how beautiful
life can be.

He can make my broken moons into
kaleidoscopes,
to realise their all
made to make someone else
realise the truth.

He can make my stormy seas
into gentle whispers of
understanding and a
bridge of love.

He is my God.
And im not ashamed to say so.

Bash me,
bruise me,
mock me
say i should be sorry,
tear apart my heart into two
and say im wicked,
pull out my eyes and
mock them too.
mock how i see things.

continue to break my moons
continue to show me i am weak
continue to point out my darkest nights

continue to remind me of God
continue to remind me of my
sheer mortality.
remind me of the lies some can say.

remind me.

remind me how powerful God can be.
share with me open doors by which
prayers can be sent through,
and allow me to
seek and
question my faith.

what is faith without doubt
what is growth without a painful season of pruning
what is the value of life without
knowing the suffering of my deadly ways.

who am i without God?

so go ahead and
make my journey more painful.
so go ahead
to test my patience and
reveal my inner workings

to see if i do love
see how i can improve
see how i can crack, break

to mend another heart.

weakness is my strength.
night skies are just as bright as the sun.
my most painful moments can be beautiful.

in God i am strong.
in God i am loved
in God you are strong
in God you are loved.

my Child.

Messiness in my mind.
Gunshots like voices ringing.
The moon seems dark tonight.
The moon seems to cry.
That the tears drip down, and I see the blood of my heart.
Roses, made of thorns, the pain I felt when I see that cross.
flowers, painted with pain.
the light seems to hide.
the sorrow soaring high.
my heart hurts as i write this down.
i hope to see the beauty behind the madness before i fall down...

How can I sleep when my thoughts are still awake.
How can I sleep, when my heart feels like it is going to break?
how can I stay awake when my mind is falling apart, with its flowers closing in thoughts,
how can I stay awake, when I am tired, dripping down into the waters, fading away into the nothingness of my mind.
How? Ever, can I be who you want me to be?
When it is so hard to even fall asleep,
When it is so hard to fall back into dreams.
It's probably possible,
to be who you are,
but I need your help,
to go where you are.

Ignored again.
I ignored again.
Again, I missed your texts and calls.
Your smiles and tears, and your breaking heart.
So empty when i text you ‘sorry’
It seems to lose its meaning.
And guilt claws and tears its way in me.
I can’t seem to make you believe my apologies.
Then time starts to walk again, healed from the storm.
Then there’s this space between my heart and that blank, black text.
Then there is this unreachable truth to get to you.

My hands clawed through, my eyes tearing me, my head going black. No. It wont go there if i allow it.
It’s just a text.
Don’t be so emotional, geez.
Hm.

The moon is shining,
The Sun, sleeping.
Its bright blue hue painted on the surface of the waters,
its bright blue light washing over the sea, so beautiful, I could hardly believe.
It's waters cradling its child on the shore.
Going back and forth, like the hands of a mother soothing a child,
cradling her child to sleep.
As the cold winds of the night swept across the surface, skating on the waters, the howling of the wind ringing in my ears, the ocean receding down to its lair.
How calm, still the sea could be,
even in the vicious winds of the night.
As I close my eyes, the ocean too sang me a song, cradling me like a child that's lost.
I step inside the waters, its arms wrapped around my feet.
I step further into its hug, begging me to come closer.
The waters rise to my eyes, I open them and saw half of the world, its body touching mine.
Closing my eyes, I hummed its song, then...I am gone,
fading into the depths of the waters where I should belong.

The dull caramel kettle sat on the stove.
It didn’t really want to be there. It’s cold out here.

The light in the kitchen shone past clothes and pans, the only light I could protect my eyes with.

Rushes of rivers ran in the toilet as if mountains lived in the shallow ponds on the floor.

It scared me. I thought a man with a black hat used the the tap and he heard my heavy breathing.  

It’s knitting.
And I can feel it walking out in my mind and I can feel it, looking at me as I look at it, it’s careful and eerily gentle eyes stared back at me.
Maybe it’s God’s angels protecting me.

How clear where you, that Saturday night.
You are so precious to me.
You shined your light on me.
Even when you knew I would fail.
You said you love me.
You said you could use me.
It's like...
all my failures are Gone.
GONE.


I held the papers that were in my hand, as I close my eyes and tears flowed down, I whispered and sang, "O, Lord. How precious you are to me...truly...really..."

That night, my heart flew open. I don't want it to close in again.
But I can't do it alone.
Stir in this generation Lord, a heart made for you, a Spirit yearning for you, a generation, self-less. Rising up to take their place.

Lord
Break my heart for what breaks yours.
Heal my heart and make it clean.
Open up my eyes to the things unseen..
Show me how to Love like you have loved me.
Everything I am for your Kingdoms cause....
As I walk from Earth into eternity...

So I walked downstairs to the void deck of my flat.
my eyes wandered.
its vision walking through the walkways and the turns of the void deck.

people who worked hard under the sun, from another land, another world, another story.
what if they have dreams unheard off, because what overthrew it was the shouts and mockings and gossips about them.

what if those "thugs" and "rebellious teenagers" had dreams so innocent. only for them to shatter. only that when they pick it back up, the pieces no longer connect, and the numbers no longer add up...

i stand in the middle of the field. in between the vision, my eyes perceived and the thoughts in my mind. people, they sat in the rain and the children, they no longer look to the sky. They no longer looked at the cracks of concrete skin on the tiles or the eye-lashes of lushes green.

followed an old, lonely woman i know. she sat alone sometimes in the food court. she usually forgets what she says, and that makes me laugh.

sat for a while, and i saw a "friend." more of an acquaintance perhaps. He dyed his hair brown, his shirt dark as night as he smoked without consent. His eyes were downcasted, lost in his troubles and problems, he probably didn't know where to go, who to go to. I know through this i could share God's love though.

learned about God this evening, before bed. his wisdom and power. his power to change hearts empowered me. given me, strength and i gave him praise.

said goodnight prayers, i fall asleep. tomorrow morning, ready to sing my morning praises and prayers, ready to do his work, ready to serve him.
ready for him.
ready to sing his hymns.
say a little prayer of love.
and....

She looked with arrogant eyes.
Looked with it on my shirt and pants.
She painted me with shameful glances and 'can'ts'.

under my flat, in the film of blue, under the sleepy night sky, I walk, for a purpose. With a book in my hand. I had a plan.
maybe that was the problem.

children playing with sticks and stones.
they live in the third story,
their family I hardly know,
but a new story I know would unfold.

an extended loop of walking, she walked a whole way round and back.
he and she, they walked hand in hand in one straight line, their worries, not much on their children, their gaze and eyes were on each other.

people playing pokemon go, their eyes fixed on the screen.
When all I think they are talking about is the surface of the storms and Oceans in their hearts. Where in hearts, gardens of flowers and thorns, and with skies of empty space, and storms uncalmed.

looking for an aunty I knew.
her eyes embraced with the saggy skin of old age, missing where her flesh used to sit.
she has a smile so innocent and child-like.
she forgets what she says to me, but she remembers me. How interesting.

This is where I go sometimes when my heart is burdened with burdens and anguish from the Lord. Or where I had plans, or when I really just had to buy a pen...

a place i hoped would be filled with love and peace.
a place i hope would turn to the Lord.


Bukit Panjang Jelapang Road.

i reached out my hand and thought i was helping. I wanted to help.
i am so sorry for stuffing beliefs in your mouth, into your eyes, that you would be annoyed to see the blue-lined paper slipped in your mail box.

i just wanted to show that i care.
i didn't mean to scratch your surface.
i didn't mean to stir and twist.

please forgive me.
i didn't mean to cut and steal.
i wanted to heal.

People say you can't predict the future.
The one-sided posters and paper lies.
They lie that you are yourself.
They lie that you can predict.
They lie that you are in control.
When you lose control, you lose yourself.
shaken.
broken.
unable to get up.
i dont want to think that way.
i dont want to feel that way.
i dont........

Do you see the world behind that glass door in the woods?
Where you had all the money.
Where you have all you wanted.
Where you can ride on dreams.
Where you can be who you wanted to be.
Where you could be believed.
But...never be happy.
This fantasy I do not want.
Loving this...I can't.
I would just stick onto reality.
Where death is real but still be happy....
Where death is real but life follows behind.

Blood, sweat, and tears.
Laughter, dancing, and stories.
Thank you for painting the numbers on apartments.
Thank you for building the house I am living in now and many others too.
Thank you for paving the stones and cement on the floor so that I could place my feet on solid ground.
Thank you for cleaning the streets, for building the shelters from place to place.
Sorry for people walking past you and not simply recognizing your face.
Sorry for treating you all like strangers.

love.
what a beautiful word.
full of hurt.
it could hurt.
it hurts.
breaker.
heartbreaker.
family wrecker.
full of life.
could stay a lifetime.
could heal wounds, could make them.
could heal wounds and tear them back up again.
true love........
it hurts because it has to.
tears you apart because of love.
never meant to hurt you but to bring you back.
you would have no lack.

cried for what seems like a thousand years worth of tears.
i didn't know i was in so much pain and agony.
i didn't know i was lonely.
where the only friends i had was the voices in my head.
she told me not to call them voices.
but.
i want to admit that they are a part of my life.
i was drained....
the keys to my heart broke, and the scars within sank deep.
i didn't know i was filled....with hurt and pain.
but now i lay empty.
my mind blank.
waiting for someone..something to colour it. to touch it. gently.
i lay beneath the oceans in my mind.
i lay down and i closed my eyes.

Dear God,

People say you understand.
But I don't seem to understand.
How could a God like you, know me?
How could a God like you, knows how is it like to be human.
A human with sins.
How could you know, how I feel?
How could you know, how fear feels like?
How could you, still love me.
I wonder. I wander.
I just want to be brave.
I just want to feel a blazed.
I just want to feel like a warrior
Just want to feel the way you want me to be.
A conquerer, you said that I am a conquerer.
But I don't feel like I am.
But you know what, sometimes,
warriors could feel that way too.
Because we are humans too.
I hope you see this letter.
Which I have sent to you.
Even though it doesn't rhyme,
I hope you would love me still....

Love, my heart.

If I was blind, would I be braver?
If I was deaf, would I be able to speak?
If I was just a bit taller, would I be able to ask?
If I was just a bit stronger, would I be able to share?
If I was...

Broken glasses, sorry can’t see well, wavy lines and broken, wrong ‘finds’

If there is something wrong tell me because I love you. I have done so little.
And I am so brittle.  

Your oks are fine and I feel like brokenness hid in them.
And I feel like I am in debt.
I guess you remind me of God’s love.
I owe so much but you never really forced me.

I am so scared and ashamed.  
Crazy and busy and unsafe.
“Vulnerability is my enemy” I always thought.

I love you. I hope you know that.

Sorry for the highs and lows.
Sorry for the ups and downs.
Happy then sad.
Cheerful then mad.
Back and forth the needle goes,
Yes and nos.
Confident, then lost.
Bursts of energy, water-like limps.
Knows, and foolishness,
Kindness then ungratefulness.
Compassionate, angry at first.
Ups and lows.
Yes and nos.
I am so sorry.
For the changing host.

Latest gadgets? nah
Most expensive houses? nah,
help another for the sake of my own glory? nah

Suffered and persecuted for God? For his Glory
True Joy and Satisfaction in Him? YEs
ALL FOR THE GLORY OF GOD? THE ONE WHO SAVED ME OUT OF DARKNESS?  YES.

God is the eternal true living breathing loving one.
god is the one in the world. The one of idols. That. ?

So I thought of you seeing the poem I wrote you.
My heart lit up, filled with joy and gratitude for what you did.

The song that was playing just added to the joy, the gratitude, the assurance, the peace I have.

Would you dive into the darkest depths of memories and fears in the name of Love?

Would you destroy your tower of pride in the name of Love?

Would you be willing to unwrap the ***** cloth around the thorns that hurt you before in the name of Love? For the sake of Love?

Would you be willing to risk your life in the name of Love?

Would you be willing to allow pain and firestorms mould you?

Would you be willing to put all the hate on yourself so that another could feel loved?

Would you? All in the name of Love. All for the sake of Love. All for the giving of love. All for the defense of Love. All...for Love...

Lord, I'm lost. Do you hear my cries?

Sometimes, I can't feel you near, I don't feel your affection I can't see the light.

Help me, O Lord, I know I can do it, I knew I could take flight, to the sky, but I need your help, your guiding hand and I will do my part.

Lord, I'm lost, tired and weak. Would you just be with me? And hold me, never to leave?

Lines of silk, soft and hard,
filled with passion
Memories, dreams and nightmares of colours, of black and white.
A mess of thoughts.
A pile of words.
How beautiful and sweet...
Poetry.
Just remember that the lines of this story, this message, this dream, this experience doesn't have to rhyme.
Just make sure it rhymes with your heart.

Sorry guys, I am just going through some stuff and I would have major shifts in thinking, in mood, in my attitude in my spirit in my heart.

So the poems and the meaning might change. And I am so sorry if you don't like frequent posts. And sorry for all the different ups and downs.

Like one time I am brave and ready and bold, then another time, broken, shattered, near to giving up....just bear with me! I would probably get better...soon.

Suddenly the words of the songs came to me.
Not like a piercing sword but like a soft hand slowly hugging onto me, tightly.
Holding to my heart.
You brought me down.
So that I could look up.
There is going to be darkness.
But more light is coming.
I just have to persevere.
Endure.
A Child Of God.
Oh how precious are those words to me now!
I am a Child of God.
I repeat.
Thinking....how?
But that is who you are.
Love.
You love me.
And I don't have to question that.
Surrounded by your loving hands even when I couldn't see it.
I want to believe it.
Please.
I don't want to fear anymore.
I have a desire, LORD.
To no longer be a slave to fear.
Because you are here
with me.

All we say can literally offend someone out there. Somewhere in the world. Just know that offending someone is different from being outright wrong.

I am so sorry for not accepting your correction. That things would not happen how I see it. It would happen as how God planned it.

But only if you knew the thought I put behind the things I do.
But only if you knew I care for you.
But only if you knew I just need you to appreciate my love for you.
I am sorry. Please continue to correct me. That I may love you more and more each day.

Please mother....

You are hurting yourself when you hurt others.

There is a side of me,
Broken, weak, left unhealed.

There is a side of me,
That hates myself, wanting to hide away from myself.  I don't want to see myself, in the mirror, i want to flee to somewhere else.

Could i be someone one else. I wish to
be someone else. No. Wishing. I want to be in someone else, someone better then who i am now.

But what if this someone has the same broken soul, hurt, weak, left to die on its own.

its okay.
i could handle this.
i can do it...right?
its alright.
i'm alright.
i can do this.
i can do this on my own.
i don't need their help, don't want them to know.
its okay.

Stars streaked past.
Stars shining at an all time high.
Brighter than the lights in our eyes it shines.
We kissed, we danced.
Our fingers intertwined as the world around us collapsed.
Dancing and singing our favourite songs among tree tops, we danced towards the light.
Although afraid of heights.
We soared.
High above the failures and the depths of the sea.
High up in the sky in symphony.
My forehead touched yours.
And yours touched mine.
The winds of our hearts carried us as we danced away...the world becoming the room where we danced in before.
Where we met.
The stars becoming the light bulbs hanging in the dusty old room.
The space around us folded us in like an origami.
Things didn't make sense.
I wish I never find it.
I don't want to get lost in your gaze.
Lest I fall into the hole of your pupils,
lest I collapse when you leave.
Lest I tried to erase you from my memory.
Lest I lose you and I can't survive...
Let's...stay as friends...

So hard to trust someone like you.
Because I am afraid that when I lose you when you turn your back on me, I will be hurt. Again.