I would trust anyone
with my life,
before I trusted them
with feelings.

I’m
just
going
to
go
on
record
and
tell
the
whole
****
party
that
just
for
this
millisecond
I
feel
a
little
happy
!

I never really wanted to go
I’m still no better for it
Nothing happened in the way I wanted.

Coming to you from somewhere far and nuclear
this is a cry from the gut
that needs to be read in melody;
like a moonlight sonata:

Its’ fine. It’s okay; it’s my undoing anyway.
I wove counterfeit truths
with threads of convenience
till every last shred of dignity dried up.

I broke down
before dawn
before breakthrough
I saw shadows dry out in the sun.

I romanticised freedom
to the point of madness,
and burnt our palace to ash
out there in the lawn.

I may have pulled
the rug from beneath us
But you laid the broken
glass shards all along.

I tried to love someone else
but it isn’t working,
so I feel like smoking
while stalking your new girl like a hawk.

Happiness looks good on you
But I just don’t believe you.
Go ahead, carry on;
Just like you always do.

One day long overdue
You’ll find me at your door
asking what you meant by
‘’I’ll always be here for you’’

Maybe it’s everything I couldn’t be.

Maybe it’s you, still living in me.

Don't you worry for me.
I'm alive.

Words pour out of me
like the rivers of thrill
that gushed from deep within me
and rushed away in silent screaming,
in-between the glorious thighs
you missed out on.

Maybe I was only ever there
to prepare you for her.

Maybe I hung by a thread
so you don't hang your head.

Don't you feel sorry for me.
I survived.

With my heart in my hands
at the gates of a shrine
I swore to never forget how your face lit
when you said that I was
your favourite hypocrite.

Yes I got all your texts.
And I’m guarded, expecting your next.
Yes I’m fine!
But how would you know?
Frozen in time,
don’t know how to respond.
Okay fine -
You got me, just like you always do.
I’m losing my mind,
I guess I’m not fine at all.

It doesn’t matter
how much weight you carry.
It’s about how you distribute.
Pain diffusion
is like sunlight through leaves;
it takes courage
to let brightness pierce through
and kiss you.
So stay with me,
right here,
by your tree roots,
where cyclamen grow.
Hold my hand
like you always knew me.
Forgive my shyness
as I fidget
with toe rings of clover -
I promise;
  I’m less and less scared -
I still love your wildness.
I feel you,
all over.
Eyes,
of Pure Water.
My lack of sharpness
is yearning to soften your edges.
I’m floating above your garden,
weightless.
The ripeness of fruit
that your highest tree bares,
smells like a rose
you delivered.
If we really are here
to mirror,
all I want to do for you
is shimmer.

Sunrise coffee in reticence;
Wonder what has caused the rift?
I’ve danced with every elephant
in every single room;
Wonder why I always shape-shift?

Distance never made my heart grow fonder
I crave to be far more removed.
I search for other types of anguish;
Do stars gleam brighter
when you stand on the moon?

So many paths I could have taken,
but I chose to carve mine
blind through the mist;
On the brink of dusk
when wild violets are shrinking
Grief is simply love adrift.

Musings
shapeshift
into intricate words
with a mind of their own
that fall into place
and make beautiful songs
which travel along
Continents
Consciousness
Vibrations and Waves
free as the birds
once alight,
resonate
with bodies and souls. 
Trusting the journey
is a curious adventure,
not a God complex,
a Writer is
but a facilitator,
allowing our innermost
turn into artwork,
delicate necklace
that hangs ‘round the throat.

Hey
It’s been years.
Time
moves real slow around here now.
Recurring dreams
shine UV beams
on my streams of waking consciousness.
My innermost fears
all out in the open.
What to do?
How do I haunt them?
At least
the way that you danced for me
never got old.
I’ve got no other truths left.
It’s mile after mile
from now on.

You crashed in like a wave
out of the blue
and swept me completely,
Submerged in your loveliness
I shyly outgrew
my fear of sinking.
Spellbound by confetti of aquamarine,
I don’t know what to do.
Hero in the making,
You..
Unwittingly waltz me into spindrift.

I’ve had no time to write any words down
but the stars cry and squirm
beyond noxious smoke as thick as a quilt.
As we run out of space I need you to know
Out of all the flowers I grew
You were my favourite.

I would have moved mountains.
I would have drowned my light in your motionless fountains.
Burned alive your imposters.
And sacrificed angels for your dark twisted monsters.

But you made me believe
that the monster was me.
So I had to let go,
just to let the Beast free..

I found myself alone and astray
in drunk Chardonnay bliss,
after the games and the chase
and a complete strangers’ kiss,
hating myself for loudly admitting..
..that it’s you I incessantly miss.

It's strange to think I remained silent
for all of twenty nine years
till recently all of a sudden
words overflow me more than my tears.

Whimsical youth
absentmindedly fell -
cliffside,
abruptly.

Love to the stars,
oath taken to stone;
to help you,
instruct me.

~

Stillness the moorland
of cherry pie kiss,
unwilling
fruition.

Patience, wise virtue
foremothers instilled,
jeune fille
in submission.

~

Tame was the Beast
at the mountain's heart deep,
lethargic,
sleepwalking.

Wild was the Princess
in her dreams of pink sweet
sins, secrets,
unspoken.

~

Long were the years
under fallen rocks over.
Now doubtlessly
older.

Black was one night,
set her sadness alight,
but the ash left
her colder.

~

Monsters awakened,
set the footpath ablaze,
hopelessly
grieving.

Freedom I call
you, trying to persuade
you, truth
unforgiving.

I cannot take the pain away
From missing you.
And I cannot interfere
With these recurring memories
The ones I thought I’d buried deep
Inside my boundless ocean.

No matter how many songless walks,
Or bottles of wine,
Poured down my long blue sundresses.
From behind my dark brown curtains,
Beneath my raging waves;
Resurface.

And keep smiling to me.

A year on after losing Breonna,
The shock and horror of losing another
Daughter
Sister
Girlfriend
Lover
Bred the harrowing screams of those who will grieve you,
That pierced through our hearts as he crushed up your bones.

Sweet Sarah we are so sorry.
Our pulses unite with insurmountable fury
As the tears that we cry make the vigil lights blurry
For the ones before you and the ones to succeed you,
We will scream till it bleeds:
SHE WAS JUST WALKING HOME.

This good place
One I was searching for all this time
This inner space
Out of the blue
Into the wood
Somewhere within,
I stumbled upon it.

As if by chance,
In this moment of grace,
It appeared before me.

I do not know long I will stay,
But I like it here.