I know my demons by name. Guess you could say we’re friends. Well more like frenemies. Do you know that popular girl in school? And if you do then you must know the outcast that she diminishes for her lack of self-esteem or whatever.
Well, I’m the outcast. Walking the halls with my headphones to drown out the constant bickering running around my mind. Hiding behind my cozy black hoodie. Comfort never felt like home. At least that keeps me safe.
Until I reach the chills of the cafeteria. I enjoy being alone so I’m grateful to be ignored by the general population. Stuffing my face in a book while I eat my cold sandwich is such an easy way to avoid eye contact. Why would I ever want to make contact with mindless humanity?
And yet I am somehow noticed by the “clique” run by little ms. popular. Judged by the clothes I wear. Is black even a color? Am I too broke to afford the name brand? Nails aren’t done, must be broke. Who even does make-up like that?
Don’t get offended, I just want to help you, sweetie. She says as the others giggle away. They’ve tortured me all my life, that I unwillingly learned their names. Yet, I am known as a “weird girl”.
You see there’s ‘Ann - xiety’, and yes she is as fidgety as her name sounds. She may seem like she has it all together but on the inside is a wreck of a world. Fear of living day to day surrounded by her social peers, judging. You see I’m not the only one who gets judged. And there is always a massive panic right before the big test. She had nausea constantly that it was rumored around that she might be pregnant.
Of course, I knew better, because, well, I knew better. Then, there is a tall langley dude, I think his name is ‘D... - Pression’,? Although I never figured out his full name. He’s new but my mind boggled me when he was accepted into the “clique” because he seemed as dark as me. Maybe more. I guess it was that chiseled jawline and soft black hair. Or I’m guessing it’s soft like I would know. His pale skin reminds me of a vampire, and who didn’t ever want to be bitten by one?
There is ‘Al - Cohol’. He/ Him is transgender. The only reason he fits in is that he is the little brother to Ms. Popular. How convenient. She defends him to the fullest. He either has two personalities. One is loud and ambitious daring the inevitable and the other shedding tears reciting his lost love from before. Or a changing world. Always a puzzle with that guy.
Out of all the bunch, the loudest is ‘Coco’ aka ‘White girl’. Her name is the definition of controversy. No matter how much she goes she stays in the sun I swear she never tans. She is the person to describe a party all night and sleeps when you’re dead. Although I swear she has the worst of allergies.
Oh, and don’t let me forget the queen bee herself ‘Mirror’. Strange name I know, but her parents are like self-righteous hippies or some ****. I bet if I dressed like her we could seem relatable. I mean, she was my best friend growing up. And I know, everyone has heard that story before, but it’s true. Ride or die up until high school, or perhaps it started before that. I could never pinpoint.
Life happens suddenly and if you don’t happen with it then you’re left behind. What can I say? I looked at life with depth and somehow had a deeper understanding than your average. So, yeah they left my *** behind and I developed into society as being the “weird kid”.
Somehow, these people never fail to haunt me every waking day. Just like shadows following my every move, I could never exist in silence entirely. Could I? I just want life to end sometimes. I don’t really know if it’s just this life or in general. It could be both, don’t question me.
So yeah, demons exist. I mean if you’re a non-believer then good for you. Matter fact, I applaud. I do, really. I think, well I wonder, what would it be to live a privileged life? A life with no demons, nobody to haunt you. No chills down your spine when you walk the halls. And for sure no ‘clique’ to torment you every day. But, in my book, you are living life. And tell me please, what could be better than that?

i knew she had been crying
her face red, and her eyes were glazed
small chuckles followed by a crack in her voice
straight looks out the window,
unsure what to ask her
i kept the radio for noise
took her some drinks
a shot from the bottle drowned the silent cries
alcohol was the disguise
and yet she kept quiet about her tears
and i acted like i didn't hear
driving her home
i wished her goodnight
to wake up the next morning in fright

she was gone...

if only i could discover what demons she was facing
if only i could be the one who ended up saving her
but alas, i wasn't


she's gone now and i keep thinking about our night in the truck

butterflies in my stomach
or is it just nerves
I feel all too much
to feel such a bug
with wings that could soar
I could never

a few moments being in your presence
cause me to overthink every situation
hundreds down the road of my brain
catch a breathe just to keep from going insane

these emotions are dangerous
never would I recommended
it's unraveling thinking about you


do you feel the same?
is this all a misconstrue?
a dream? or living humility

a symbol of butterflies creeps into my soul
don't understand if this is good or bad
time will tell
half glass or full

or maybe the glass is crushed..

darkness awaits
creeping into your skin
chilling secrets
washed away with a bottle of gin
goosebumps on your neck
from kisses of death
once midnight reaches
beware what may breach
into your soul
darkness no longer awaits

          for us all

how can i be asked to celebrate?
a day for you , i can’t relate
to much of anything anymore
it’s unreal to be branded such a holiday
which you took no part of

imagine a kid calling you dad
because you took part in a role
i still don’t understand

imagine we share that same person
it had to be you, why you?
why me?

i feel sorry for not getting to know me
twenty some years later,
it’s hard to believe
i’ve lived this life so long that it is my reality

i can’t have daddy issues if i never had a dad

i am still out in the world ,  not waiting to be found

a stranger in the rear view mirror
a face in the crowd

this day was not meant for you
you’d be a fool ...

day dreaming
transformed into another world
my heads in the clouds
while I've landed in space
drifting away
thoughts form the images in my mind
vividly living in this wonder land

within a blink of an eye
im snapped back to reality
deep breaths
back into hiding
sitting in a corner
locking myself in a room
hoping no one finds me

if I could close my eyes once more..

i know i push my luck
will i ever be enough?
it’s so hard to trust
i’m just tryna gain your love

baby it’s hard for me to expose myself
maybe it’s all the **** i’ve been dealt
i’m so afraid
this feeling just don’t go away

around my heart like a barricade
i know you see tham caution tape
it’s written all over my face
wanna be a hero?
let me see your cape
i’m so tired of hiding
but what are you providing?

i throw myself just to get hurt
i put in all my heart
but sometimes it’s never enough
and i get torn apart

i just want someone that i can love
but what if that’s too much to ask for?

it’s apparent that i ask too much
read up on newton’s 3rd law
but you don’t believe in such
much to my reaction
you show little to no action
& that’s a distraction
i won’t have
but i’ve had it up to here
some **** i will no longer bare
will no longer be your puppeteer

i put in all this work
twenty four / seven
just to get buried in the dirt
but if you do not appreciate my art
than you do not get my heart

i guess it was all the lies
so insert into my eyes
into my mind
what i have now visualized

to drop dead weight
that’s very outdated
to look back on how i was baited
now you’ve had a chance to see how i’ve been created

so i’ll push my luck
on to the next bet
i’m still on the search for love
but this time i won’t sweat

            love yours truly ,
                       no longer in debt

death is my neighborhood friend
she has followed me all my life
no matter the outcome of situations
death always prevailed
speaking lightly on such a subject would inflict a mere slit on the tip of the tongue
she is genuine at all times
though some may find it hard to believe I have never caught her in a lie
to be frightened is to be frail
for tears shed, hearts break, last words are spoken
actions are derailed into a different outcome
yet through all the demise, she remains vigorous
death has no boundaries
I have learned that the strenuous way
there is no difference in those related to my own blood and water
death stops at no personal obligations nor obstacles
adolescent days dare to compare to my maturity of today
death broke apart relationships of all kind
sometimes spiritually she drained me of love I could no longer bear witness to the outside world
she drained me of my close ones,
'family,' if you will
left me to anguish and mourn like a deserted soul
isolated from society, the world, love, or any such interactions were just extreme to divulge in
building up a tolerance to agony was just a challenge to her for the near future
other times she lacked me of mental termination
friendships of such were burned and buried beneath the ground
someplace called hell
for they would never return and if they sought out to intervene in my life once again death would appear and rip the soulless creatures right out of their existence with me.
I could barely bear witness on either or, nor did I want to comply but I, myself, had no say in the fate of life.
my mind, body, and soul were alternated
never will I be a carbon copy of my old self
death is my friend
she remains synonymously unpredictable
if I, myself, were to die, I would, in turn, welcome my friend.

               








                             , eulogy

   "Hello my dear, for I have not missed you for an abundance of time it seems you have missed me. whereas I contemplate over no comprehension other than the certainty of you needing my very presence. all of the atrocious things I have done is diseased along with the misery of atoning to every thought and situation dealt with my life on this earth. let alone the well being that I also obtained in a timely matter has now released me into a never-ending dimension"

my demons come alive in the day time
not just at night ,
so if you ask me why
i never close my eyes ,
it just might be my mind filled with fright

with no chance of escape
i chase death to be my fate
should i hold my breath
i need not be saved
i must jump at the chance before it’s too late

hopeful to rise to heaven
as the demons cannot be risen
hopeful to leave this earth
with my body as their prison

if i should ever return
( that is believing in reincarnation)
amongst the streets a familiar face you’ve been missing

please , i beg of you

don’t tell my demons.

leave me to rot in this grave that              reeks of depression
            grasping for a fresh breath
                  dirt filled nails on my worn out fingers
                                        left with a weary spirit
                                                          ­ I've lost the will to exist

perhaps this is the end of the end.

‪it all felt like a dream‬
i woke up still feeling the same
look out to the window pane
the weather seems to match my mood
a little dark & clouds with gloom
raindrops pitter patter on the glass
i can't continue to wear this mask
although i wear it well
everyday conversations couldn't tell
my heart weighs heavy ,
my souls drifting away
this pain feels deadly
much like decay
maybe one day i'll be like you
i'll look out the window all sunny & blue
smiles & laughs , grinning cheek to cheek
at least that's what i view, so to speak
if only others could see me clearly
right thru this melancholy i continue to wear
but nobody sees bc nobody cares.
i can't seem to speak up , nor wouldn't dare.
& maybe that's life , never fair.
but i continue to wish waking up from this dream
at least that's what it feels like running thru my bloodstream
only emotion i ever posses
only one i never forget.

you can give your whole heart out to people.
and they destroy you.
walk all over it.
it's useless to them.
and walk away from the disaster that you are now. hurt. betrayed. alone.
hiding behind a mask but only for so long.
the tears come down bc you can't hold them in anymore.
you can't be strong.
can no longer hold on.
to anything but reality. & that's not really living
so many disgusting people in this world
so few i keep in my circle
well really just two
that's less than a few
karma comes around
& seeks the truth
so i'll worry about me
& i'll let things be
here's another poem
bc of a tradgedy.

you were just a distraction
I needed you so I could look away
so I could be at peace
if just for awhile
because once your gone
you go with my smile

the world falls apart around me
im suffocating yet im still breathing
how is that possible
to feel broken and nothing at all

so yes, ill take my distraction
ill take it so gracefully
put you in my pocket and pick you out only when I need you the most


in the midst of it all, I turned my face away for just a second
and your gone
disappeared into thin air
I try to see but its vision is cloudy

and when I take a step back
I open my eyes
even my mind
and the distractions that once took over my life
have also disappeared
such like you

don't make me
go down that road again
i've lost all directions
can you imagine?

the pain...

always knowing I'm no longer the same

you can't make me
you can't break me

the suffering you did in disguise
hidden by lies
i struggled to even put up a fight


..........

do you remember,
all the old times
good memories
when everything was fine

do you remember
when it was just me and you
deep in love
nothing ever was so true

do you remember
or reminisce
back on the playground
our first kiss

do you remember
when you loved me so
if i could go back
id never leave home

-----------------------------
oh, i stay broken
remembering
all of what used to be
between you and me

oh, so fragile
losing something so magical
no more breaths
cant feel a heartbeat
its all gone

death is a strange thing

i remember
back one day
you were by my side and we would pray
for better dreams

I've been dreaming
since the day I woke
don't you realize
when love will strike you blind
strike you in the eyes
in the mind

dreaming of a place
where the world doesn't hate
dreaming of a place
of no mistakes
where we all get together and just create

drink the pain away
whiskey puts me in a daze
perhaps this is my escape
escape from reality
lonely and afraid
one day i hope i wake
and this will all just be a dream

but i’m scared to fall asleep
scared of being weak
for me to want to wake up
my faith would have to leap

i cry when i’m around you
but you may never notice
that’s because i hide
you’d never tell i’m broken
or that i’m lonely

searching for ways to get out
running away from the dark clouds
running away from all my doubts
how can i be good enough for you
when i’m not good enough for myself

drink the pain away
it gives me a funny taste
but i drink it anyway
now i’m numb again
& with a snap my problems are gone
i’m back on top
forgot who i was

so hey
let’s grab a date
tell me all the things that we can relate
i’m out of my box , out of my cage
only for a moment
before i turn the page
and awake the next day
it was nothing but a dream

can’t tell the difference between a dream and reality

this is the end
of eternity
it's been so long
i forgot to breathe

but here i am
whole again

i lick my lips
and remember
who this is
who i want to kiss

it's not you

so if this is the end
goodbye
and farewell
oh, i do wish you well

but this is the end

and this is the beginning

will i ever be enough?
crying myself to sleep
tears fill the void just deep enough to drown in it
forced to swallow emotions
sometimes they get stuck like a big lump in your throat
anxiously waiting to be spit back out
whose perfect in this world?
dying to fit in so much that there's little to live for
I guess they were right when they said, "born alone, die alone"
but they forgot to add the part where you go through life alone
I wish there was an option for 'do not disturb', in real life
unless if you count ignoring someone

heart pounds in my chest
this feeling has me wrecked
my mind going reckless
but thinkin bout you makes me stress less
ideally i never let anyone in
why start something i'm scared to begin
all they really do is leave in the end
lately about you i've been questionin
you really find ways to get under my skin
you shine on my world & light up my heart
looking at you like my fav piece of art
talking to you from sunrise to dark
you touch my skin , leaving your mark
what if i take a chance and leap
well **** than i'm falling to deep
i see you in my dreams , at night when i sleep
the memories we share , forever i will keep

you know,
I do
I miss you


first
love
touch
kiss
****
first, well..

you were everything to me
tell me why it went wrong
I stuck out till the end but it didn't last very long

sad, I know were over now
yet I cant stop thinking
about my first ...

love
memory
happiness
sadness
****.
feelings in general


ok, so I admit
you were everything
and?
where are you now??

scenery so beautiful it draws attention to your mind
rose petals are soothing to the skin
the touch, the feel.
thorns down at the end
guarding itself
along the stem
down to the roots
where the seeds were planted deep into the soil
that's the real beauty

                                           -don't chase after those who touch the flower without knowing the soil.

to get into a car
is such a valuable suggestion
to go places
you've never suggested
to predict the future
of the path less taken
or rather known
in signs of an injunction


to reach a car
a moving vehicle, that is
to not experience the case of lethal injection
although not taken my body
nor forced
this type is called anxiety


this type is called
I wish you could see
personally struggling
what you caused in me.
to be never encountered, by you.

I'm ashamed that there is a power you hold over me
and within a few hundred miles
within a distance of no reciprocation

you have that power
the power I should not digest

stringing along with my mind
slowly waiting for it to die
not a horrible death but you along with it

you see, I'm terrified
of reaching the road
any of which are paved out
nor drunk or sober me
can handle this disease

unspoken for now...
although one day

I'll be free.
free from you
free from the road
anxiety in a diff level

free smoke
white coke
selling dope
stay in your lane it's a slippery *****
looking into a kaleidoscope
look for me i'm around the globe
shine so bright i bring a glow
headshots on my frontal lobe
she's always calling "pick up the phone"
**** girl like leave me alone
can't u see i'm tryna get blown
all she do is roll her eyes & moan
i'm just tryna stay in my zone
i swear she's too young like post malone
keep my drama light like keystone
you can work that *** but what you do with that nose
if i'm being honest i'm just tryna bone
play me like a saxophone
acts take play that i will condone
already forgot ya , ya shoulda known
didn't i tell ya my time was on loan
back in the studio , put on my headphones
tell a story but first i gotta break it down

this is my life
this is how i learn to get by
if don't have a chance
than i can't survive

I can't seem to recover
one day to another
I don't want to bother
but if it seems like a cover
I swear it's not...

I've been working my way to the top
the adrenaline rush is the way that I got
all the way here
from Texas to the bel- air

tryna get famous
if there is a way
there's a Willis

chances
plans
aspirations
all leading to one goal

happiness
over a wingspan
finding a foundation over different situations

this is the future.

the heart has me wretched
drinking every day
is not the best method

but out of nowhere,
I found a piece I was missing
how could I detect
he was never distant

fulfilling my gap
between my soul and heart
has been a surprise
a work of art

the end is the beginning
so cliche
I know

yet, my heart leads my soul to believe
you could be the one for me
if I just let it happen

or vice versa...