I've come to the conclusion
I am two parts of a whole
you may look at the glass half empty
or half full
sometimes it's really hard to tell
but call me a Gemini , if you will

behind closed doors
I'm either high
or low
one minute I'm soaring
& the next on the floor

one half of me
battles depression & anxiety
my thoughts are scattered inconsistently
my heart pounds in my chest
the minute you speak my name
just know I'm doing my best
trying not to go insane

other days I'm free
gliding thru the breeze
of my life
energetically speaking
the sun dances around me
against my face, glistening

but I seldom wonder
the thin wall that divides me
if I should ever sunder
two halves of a broken heart
searching for the glue that once held them part

Gemini's are twins
such like, good and evil
an angel and a demon
dancing on my shoulders
dragging me farther and farther away
so in the eyes of the beholder
I sense the middle becoming yet much colder

judgment is given on the evil side of me
I'm distant , I admit it
at times , fairly resistant
a poor trait one must receive
nothing more than a peeve

alas I did not select this trait
nor must I choose to accept it
my slump has taken its toll
I do not wish to see anything as it is but dull
I may be present and alive
yet inside, negatively drains my mind

I pray that good outweighs the unfavorable
that you may overlook how I'm unstable
my bright eyes & tinted cheeks
how I simply ignore my urge to be weak
for in that one moment
I've experienced a whole heartbeat

ultimately, there is no escaping
no path could lead me elsewhere away from thee
no debating
I am not one but two parts of a whole
one day I hope I am in control

Gemini
the twins
its me
& I am them

I left behind
the ghost of a girl who thought humanity was breathless
the thought of losing you
leaves me reckless
my mind is chaos
worse now than before
burdens on life weigh heavier,
dragging me to the floor
I left behind the ghost of a girl who believed in dreams
who once thought there was a chance with you and me
reminiscing into a fantasy
always wondered what could be
I guess there is a reason people call it ghosting
because you're never there
it's really just a memory

its you girl
always in my mind
even in my dreams
from the day that i wake till the moment that i sleep
never leaving me
and i've never pushed myself to ever seek
anyone but you
your'e the moment that i started living
that my heart started feeling
i started healing..

hook

its you girl
you're the one for me
its you girl
you're my destiny
its always been youuuuu

****, always been by my side
kept it real all the time
never had to ever lie
that's true
something i didn't know i needed
can't ever deny the truth
girl , its always been youuu.

across the bar,...

i catch a glimpse of a girl with a scorned heart
her long dark hair
one side tucked behind her ear
and the other dangled in her face to hide her faults from the world
she stares at her drink,
twiddling with the straw on the tip of her finger
as her thoughts linger
she came to escape
this is a melody of a broken heart

a few shots later, the whole bottle down
blurry vision as she searches the crowd
warm tears fall down her face
as she reminisces a familiar place
that no longer exists
in the memory of her scorned heart


its almost 2 , time for close
but she realizes she has nowhere to go
these past few weeks this bar has been her one and only home
she's so alone ,
one more drink before she picks up the phone
and calls a cab back to reality

this is her melody of a broken heart

spreading myself thin
giving away pieces of me
feels too late to quit
but I can hardly breathe

deep inside
it's antagonizing

I know
I keep doing this **** to myself
can blame no one else
for my faults

I keep on giving
more than what's deserved
an impulsive decision
putting other people first

giving in
to the worst
giving in
giving all for nothing

no longer alive
your out of my mind
i have no tears left to cry
this is me saying goodbye

goodbye and farewell

to all this pain
that I've endured
ill never be the same
never look back
never a glance

goodbye to the past that can kiss my ***

I want to be the flower that you pick
it's orange and yellow with a bright green stem,
shouldn't have been picked just yet
but that's what you chose
it was me
I mean it could have been
but there was a time in the past
that I was still seeded in the ground
and wasn't able to allow me to grow
and that's when you picked me
I wasn't ready
or maybe you couldn't nurture me
which is it?

sitting here, staring at the screen
wondering what happened to you and me
I saw this coming from a mile away
I guess i just didn't want to believe

don’t worry bout me
just worry bout yourself
i know you seen me with somebody else
right by my side
wishing you were mine
but boy you know it’s past your time

it’s sad to say
karma got in your way
who can you blame
but yourself

you’re the reason i moved on
your the reason i found the right one

he ain’t you

treats me better than i deserve
loves me harder
like i’m worth
more than enough
to be his girl
this world i’m living is a fairytale
i don’t know
what i did
to deserve a man like this
an angel sent from heaven
i guess god heard my prayers

AMEN

memories scarred in my brain
it’s getting easier to erase
the memory of you
and how i was made the fool
i was too young and naive
what i faced
i couldn’t believe
....

poured my heart into a black hole
once i entered the unknown
as i scream for the taste of blood on my lips
to feel once more , a pinch of bliss

fell into lust, chasing love
ice in my veins
my body is numb
no longer a soul exists

fading into the distance
no longer fighting resistance
the end is near i feel it

i have a disease.. im broken.

the sun graces her skin
gently
just a touch to fall in love
warmth fills the heart
elegantly

ah , her.

melting of my soul
blends well into hers
the future is unknown
yet love carries blindly told

ah , her

into existence
she is one
and is the one
& only
for me

ahhhhh , ... her

ok im sorry
i cant help myself by sitting from behind this laptop
and complain
i know im the poison that drives myself insane
and speaking of this door
that slams right in my face
i don't know what im doing anymore
i cant help in feeling this way
puts myself in dismay

im built behind this screen
i write to free me
but you don't really know me
you might never know me

in my heart
in my soul
through my brain
nobody knows

read me like a book
so recycled
used to the idea of me
as i'd ever be free
you know life  is pretty funny when it tries to  plays me
am i really free or stuck in a place of hiding

hot summer days
with you by my side
as we sit on the beach
and watch the high tides
cold brew in one hand
yours in the other
enjoying the orange pinkish colour
of the sky

you are my high
and i’m never coming down
i’m wrapped around your finger
going round and round

love in the air
and my vision is clear
as i look to the sky
and say a little prayer

you are my high
and i’ll never be sober
i never want this feeling to be over
as the sun kisses
forever and ever

you are the one bright light at the end of the road
i travel towards it ,
giving me hope
yet i never seem to reach it,
no matter how far i traveled
this distance between us
is everlasting

the rain hits the side of my window pane
the beats of my heart begin to change
so in darkness comes to light
of what i might face
perhaps some might call it a hurricane
mixed emotions
of thoughts
gentle water turns quickly into oceans
never knowing what may be brought
the wind briefly alters
& than comes to a halt
when will it stop
so i glance out my window
looking over to the dark clouds
how much power they have
& i make a wish that my problems will drown
down to the drain
along with the pain
for i will no longer fear
the deep dark hurricane

Me and you
we are not the same
I say this because we don’t share a brain
you know nothing on me
don’t you dare say
you relate
inside of me is what keeps me
breathing but breathing isn’t living ..
is it ?
hearts are pure and love is gold
******* I’ve heard from stories
but this is reality
this is my life not my story
you get the two confused and have already lost the view
stepping into quicksand
never was your biggest fan

its been a long day coming...


ok. that's enough backsplash
for the day
can't believe I've handled that
its been a long, long day
far too much for the price we pay


all along'
but were hooked on drugs
all ****** up
can you believe
what they've done to me
it's so real

the price we pay
until the death
it declares our face
that we hand off to the world
let em' know I'm not your girl
depend on me
for your every need
like in the one who
planted this seed
of disappointment

what if i died today?
who would care?
what if i showed my true colors?
empty and bare
I'm dying on the inside so i guess I'm halfway there
sick and tired of hearing that life isn't fair
it's on my mind all the time
in a war between emotions
im tired of fighting
im tired of crying
so what if?
life would be easier if it didn't exist
i can't keep pretending
but if i don't fantasize how will i get by?
never considered myself a liar
but I lie to people every day
because i am not happy
it's been years and only getting worse
i have myself to blame
bc if not me then who else?
you.
you wouldn't care
you don't
if i died you wouldn't even pick up the phone
would you?

empty and broken
but you never noticed
how quickly I was falling apart

didn't wanna open my eyes
you couldn't open your heart
was I asking too much?

late-night talks
wondering what I did wrong
always felt like a **** up
finally thought I found the right one
but I guess I ****** up there too
shoulda known we were too good to be true

all you ever did was ignore me
so i tried to drink the pain away
swear i tried to fix the problem
all it did was turn me into an alcoholic

i just wanted to feel good, with you by my side
but all you ever did was make me cry

you couldn't decide what you wanted
why'd i have to get caught up in all of it?

i don't want to be broken anymore
loving you shouldn't feel like a chore
constantly looking for excuses
didnt help heal the bruises
left on my heart

i just wanna feel good
get you out of my mind
never wanna be that blind
again

that face in the mirror simply cannot be me
for the most logical reason I can think of
for one, I do not look merely as admiring as her
nor can I compete
confidence
a thing I lack indeed

when I meet someone new
they do not jump at me
not really and so I have to ask myself why
am I not built like the rest
indifferent

trust issues
indefinitely
mind freaks when you talk to anyone but me
isn't that funny

idk why i feel like this
every day , it's the same ****
i have no motivation
i guess it's called depression
sleeping
while my feeling  stay creeping
but it almost feels like i'm falling
stuck in a hole
i just can't dig myself out
especially with all of this self doubt
the room so dark
the walls so far
help me please , i'm screaming
but nobody hears me
as i'm leaping
but there is no escaping
funny about this it comes and goes
it overtakes my body from my head to my toes..

say you just wanna be friends
there's no love lost if it ever ends
no hard feelings
can't be hurt if i was never searching
within the distance,
people lurking
while im stuck in a daydream
swear ... you don't know anymore than me

friends it is
but what is the definition
the true meaning
two worlds intersection

hearts in one
minds another
undercover lover but you'll never be discovered

you and me
friends forever
ill never find another

a night out
good company
high vibes
drunken thoughts
snazzy jams
living my best life

I can't
take this feeling
no more
it hurts
it hurts
it hurts
so much

imagine there is
pain all of the time
and I choose not to cry
its been a while

dragging and moving on
what's left of me?
I choose to not show
if it's the end
then let me go

just let me go
I'll be on my way

you don't say
anything
just let me be

it'll be okay
I promise
I swear

when I was a kid I could see life was hard
didn't know it would take me this far
when I was a kid , I didn't know crime
didn't know lies
didn't know who died
and I sure didn't know why mama cried
I was too young but I knew things deep inside

and the next morning she woke
with two black and blue eyes
funny how they looked like mine
but she hid them in disguise
and I didn't know why
not at the time
I thought things were fine

going to school just to come home
never had anything to rely on
never talked about where I was from
living in a hateful world but having so much love

& I grew up but nothing changed
everyone loves to treat life like a game
living day by day, always the same
but when you play the game you get played

I remember back when I was ten
never met my dad so figured he was dead
some days I'd even pretend
dying to just fit in

I got people bringing me down everyday
I tend towards speaking but have none to say
crying at night, I than pray
its not always black and white
sometimes I see grey
keeping my mind open to follow my dreams
that's me being me
searching for something meaningly deep

I guess that's just life.

spin me
like a record
playing me
until you get bored
the needle like words tear into my skin
such a plastic feel
the waves of my voice
drowned by your touch
at the end of the song
I've run out of luck
waiting to get played
once more..

as I struggle to take this shot of whiskey
I realize this is not the worst thing
being drunk is better than dealing with reality
especially when I have you to bully me

you're the one who told me not to drink
who tried to raise me
yet so effortlessly
it backfired into nothing

I'm tired of trying to follow peoples ways
my elders
those who knew more knew nothing of the sort
most was a lie

not everyone's experience is the same
although there is a line drawn
between knowing and learning
what do you know?

if you do not experience any of the sorts
what have you to offer?

the day I take your advice
honestly, could be on my death bed and I would never
who are you?

age does not matter
authority does not matter
knowledge does not comply unless wisdom knows the difference

when someone is asked, please listen?
take these thoughts into consideration.

listen.

living dead girl


midnight
the moon shines bright
touches the earth but yet not me
i’m in darkness , currently hiding
but don’t try to find me

a walk along the gravestones
my only friends are ghosts
the real world doesn’t recognize me
somehow i’ve turned to stone

my heart beats
so i must be breathing
then i’m alive
but that’s deceiving
because inside
a little part of me has died

trick or treat
today marks the day of halloween
at last i found a place for me
dress up & pretend to be
anything but reality

a girl is  what you see
a girl is what you seek
and tonight that is what is redeemed
just tonight for a small fee
i’ll be living in a dream

all i see is warlocks & witches
another part of me is distant
& this costume itches

walk up the steps to receive some candy
oops i got drugs , but they come in handy
good thing tonight you can’t see me
it’s dark art & that pleases me

until next year , we’ll rekindle
back to a day where it’s so simple
i bid you farewell
don’t try to find me
i’m really good at hiding
don’t you worry i’m well alive
not yet dead inside.
i bid you goodbye