11:51pm

you're doing your sisters hair.

i'm laying here, miles away, on a bed sprawled next to my notebook and pen.

i feel completely, wholly, utterly numb.

11:54pm

you of all people should know what it's like to slowly loose faith just before the light changes to green. but until it changes, the wait, is what it is. antagonising.

11:55pm

i don't know if i'll make it, i'm numb scared and worried that i won't. i don't even know if you'll be pleased to see me even if i do.

11:57pm

i will always, try my best, to stand by you through everything, please never doubt that. please always remember ~

2:32am

i wanted to message,
ask if you're okay
but it feels silly and pointless
with everything going on.

2:33am

i don't want to be a
'me' without 'you'

2:35am

i feel numb. to the facts and events about to come. all i can think of is finding a way back to you right now. that's my mission. that's what i have to, need to, focus on.

2:37am

i'm trying so hard to keep things together. for you, for me, for us. but it's so hard when all i feel like is im failing at  being an ounce bit of comfort.

2:40am

the reason i'm rather reluctant to share happier stuff is because i'm selfish too. sometimes i only want to share with a selected few. you're always one of the few though, just incase you had a moment of doubt.



there are happy moments amidst the struggles and they make living life, all the much more bearable (praise be to God).


2:44sam

I miss you to smithereens.
To bits and pieces.

the problem
with heroes
is that everyone thinks
they're perfect
until they're not.

its almost as if
people can't stand to deal
with the dark sides of people that exist*

nobody likes discovering
the skeletons that we keep
they'll tell you they care
that they'll always be there
that there's nothing
that could ever
change their mind
until something does

then suddenly
curtains are closed
all good that has once been done
disappears into smoke

people love to say
tell me the truth over a lie any day
but when truth comes knocking
*suddenly they're the ones running away

giving up

isn't an option

when you want to go home.

you've got to fight,

you're going to cry,

you're going to hurt,

time after time after time,

you're going to have to sacrifice,

and give and give and forgive,

and forgive and give and give,

you're going to bleed,

drop by drip by drip,

you're going to have your heart,

ripped to shreds,

over and over and over,

and even when

you think

you're finally numb

the feelings will come back

in waves upon waves

you will never be left to rest

in this world.

test upon test,

will occur,

until it's your time to leave,

and may you leave in the best

and the most beautiful

and painless of ways.

may you find peace,

comfort and happiness,

may you find your way home,

may it be everything you wished,

wanted, and more ~

She looked left, she saw pain
She looked right, she saw struggling
She looked ahead, she saw tests
She looked behind her, she saw heartbreak
She looked up, she saw illusions and deception
She looked down, she saw cracks in the pavement
she felt very much like the pavement

ask me
listen to what I don't say*
answers are too often hidden
in the depths
*not served on pretty silver plates

find me in the shadows
shivering in the warm

I've been thinking about you for hours and hours and hours...
Don't know why, but today I've been feeling slightly nostalgic
The kind where I just want to somehow make it to your room
Tiptoe in and hide.
Crawl up into a ball, covered by a blanket and sleep.
Sleep till you come back home if you're out,
& find me.
The kind where I just want to sit and watch
Or listen to you talk
Focus on the sound of your voice
But not talk myself
I'd really like that.
I've been thinking about you for hours and hours and hours now...
I don't know why nostalgia has been setting in
Like the air in my lungs
I can't quite stop it from finding its way into my chest
I've been thinking about that email I keep wanting to write to you and send
But haven't had the chance to
Not now, not yet.
(whispers 
"I'm sorry..")
But I wanted
Wanted you to know,
That I've been thinking about you for hours and hours
And hours on end.
Been feeling slightly nostalgic too.
For a home that hasn't felt like home in years, in a place that feels more foreign than familiar,
In a city that's seems like thousands and thousands and thousands of miles away
Like you.
But you're not
And that's the difference I can't quite make sense of.

When you loose someone you love
It changes you.
You're never the same person you were before.
You adapt. You adjust. But it still hurts.
It hurts because that person mattered to you.
Because you'd hoped that person wouldn't leave.
It hurts, because deep down you hoped with everything you had,
that that person would be the one person to stay.

You don't ever really recover from pain like that.
You grow. You learn. But you don't forget.
You never forget.

Feelings are fleeting though
They never last long
So what's wrong with me?
Why can I still feel things?
Does this mean I haven't really let go?
I'm trying to move on,
Trying to move forward with my life,
So why do I feel like you've still got so much of a hold on me?
Why can't I seem to shake off thoughts of you?
Why do things that shouldn't bother me, still do?  
What's wrong with me?

I could write and write, but it wouldn't change a thing
What's gone is gone + words are just words at the end of the day
Aren't they?

I still write, a lot.
I just don't share it as much anymore.

And she became one with the dust specks swirling in the Janaury mornings chilly breeze
Drifting along as if she had no other care in the world, smiling to and fro
Always in the front row trying to help others find warmth in her soft kind words of glow
When in fact she carried the weight of the complicated on her two shoulders alone
But she'd always be too shy to ask others for help
for fear of them thinking she was unthinkablely selfish indeed, although,

Although she was, far more complex to be understood at first glimpse truth be told
and when she fell
it sometimes took most time to see
It was most probably because they all believed
She had become nothing more than just a swirling dust speck
Swirling in the early mornings of January chilly breeze

Falling invisibly only visibly seen
when was she back on her feet
because what good was she if she couldn't be of use to those in need?
And who could ever be sure she was anything more?
Than just pretty tricks of the light
A play on your eyes only alive to mesmerise and not really existing for a purpose
Other than to please the people
But she was the realest thing you ever knew
And one day....

She'll be the one you'll wish you spent more time noticing too.

After laying awake way past her bedtime
There where nights she cried herself to sleep,

Thinking how could she have possibly been so naive?

But as she closed her eyes and wanders down the streets of once-used-to-be's
She realises, she'd lost herself to a past of full of mistreatment
But now she refuses to be a victim of it and stands tall rising above it
There used to be a time she'd been used, and so to be used was all she knew
And to crave love, a sense of belongingness, was unthinkably selfish
So instead of finding love from within,
She'd give her all to all those who'd treat her like she didn't mean a thing
And apologised and forgave repeatedly though she was never to blame
She became a dreamer of dreams to cope with the painful reality of things

But now instead of living with wishful thinking
She wakes up and struggles hard to make her dreams into a reality
No longer a slave to her fictional fantasies

I feel it not fit to call myself a writer,
because I feel the title belongs to those who write something worth reading.
But I write nevertheless.
In hope maybe I'll be one.

I could write you essays
But nothing would do my thoughts justice
As do my shaking fingers and the way I twist them in nervousness
My unsteady beating heart
The screaming tears
The thumping bangs of arguments
The constant waves of negativity that wash up uninvited
And are welcomed by arms that are mine
But that I wish not to hold.

The screams now shout louder than ever in the silence of my unspoken words, but just like me, they go unnoticed.

They asked me to speak
So I tried
But wouldn't sit around waiting to listen
All they wanted was words
And I was made up of so much more.

Feeling so conflicted as to what I'm missing
knowing what I'm feeling isn't what I'm really missing
know that times are harder now
Time is constantly ticking
Life keeps on pushing me further, how?
Feels like I'm always on the edge and close to tipping
and I keep tripping
And the urge is always there, picking away at me
Haunting me with its cold glares and stares
making me feel so conflicted as to what I'm missing
and I know what I feel isn't what I'm missing
I'm missing but nobody seems to see
I'm missing but nobody seems to be...listening
I'm missing but nobody seems to be...looking
I'm missing but right in plain view
but nobody's noticed I've gone...missing
So why would they search for me when they think I'm as whole as the full moon glistening
what they fail to realize
was she was the moon
but a part of her was hidden away
a piece of her...*missing

I'm sorry you lost an important piece of you
and you fell apart.

and time stopped inside you
because you where broken

yet time around you continued on without you
and you
barely existed

that you where left in a corner
and nobody checked to see if they could help...you
find that special piece that went...missing

I'm sorry that
instead of being the 'best' of all 'times'
you lost yourself

in time.

To hurt you back would make me just as worse,
                        and...
Pretending it didn't hurt when it did, would be a lie.
So i choose to repay you back in sets of 3


I'm not mad

I was mad

now I'm not

i forgive you

*it's okay, okay?

I do feel like a flow..
Of
Spilt Ink..
Sometimes.

Projected onto the lives of the people around me..
Like a dark'blackish'blue'blot'of'a'mess'.
A permanent stain that everyone just has to 'deal with'
The one that couldn't be erased
But the one who,

*....was never meant to be there all the same.

...Should've let go and here I am, still holding on...

When I'm with you, reality is better than my dreams.
Without you, dreaming is better than living in reality
Because when I'm awake it's an ocean of waves crashing down constantly
Trying to break me
They say 'stay close to the things that make you glad to be alive'
But how is that even possible anymore?

...it even hurts to breathe...

I've overdosed on ashes
Yet I still remain

I've slipped in neck deep
It's choking me in these trenches

Ashes.Trenches.
ColdFlames.BurningIce.
I'm still...here.
RightHere.Waiting.

My head is buzzing,
My stomach dropping
Up and D     w
                  o         n.

My head is blowing up
bigger and bigger
like an enormous balloon
I'm ready to burst.
I want to scream
I want to cry
Yet here I am
dead quiet
unnoticed
.silent.

I never knew what poetry was until I met you

I think I'm starting to lose it
Whatever 'it' is
      Whatever I 'thought' I had...

Is it all really just a hallucination?
       Because I really don't want it to be just another illusion
And if it's an illusion
       Then this is the scariest best thing to have happened in a long time
Illusions of you in times...
          When I want time to just stop 'being' time
Because time passes, and sometimes it can be so very unkind,
       And I wish sometimes that I could rewind,
So that I can freeze frames of time.
But I can't, can I?
       And it's not because I haven't tried,
    It's because I've tried and I couldn't capture the warmth that you ignited like a fire when I was in your presence.

But by bottling all my emotions away,
     Until it seems like the skies could not get any more grey
          Because they look like they would overflow because it's filled      with so much tears and pain and strife and starving due to loss of hope and finally given up on life
   And everything inside of me just wants to stop functioning
          Just wither away like crumbled walls and grains of dust
            not in existence.

That's when I'm close to the breaking point
  Of no return.
That's when I lose myself.
   Because it all becomes a mashed up blur of visions...
And suddenly everything seems so calming'n'clear.
    And somehow....that's the only time that 'time'
Seems to be kind enough to me...and slows down.
S
   l
      o
          w
               l
                  y
Trapping me in a place where I'm connected to you
      Not through imaginations or tricks of the mind....
But in some other wonderful state of matter...
Because in that place, i feel at home...and for once 'I' actually
m   a  t  t   e  r

&I; don't know if I'm supposed to,
        be able to...feel things so much more than I should.
They say missing the ones you love is natural,
       But what is natural,
about something that...terrifies you and mesmerizes you at the same time?
Makes you glad to be alive and yet i still feel like dying? because i'm stuck here without You.

You.Human by flesh
You. So ridiculously annoying
You. So full of contagious laughter and positive vibes
You. The divergent. The one that words have not yet been able define.
You....the person who stumbled across Me
&Mad;; me feel
b e a u t i f u l.

You...the one who put the northern star to shame,
Because nothing burns brighter than the light
that refuses to stop flickering
In your eyes.
You...the one who says the words i can't seem to find.

But when missing you flips without a notice
      Zooming me down lanes of emotion extreme
            And I'm no longer me
I take on the form of frozen ice stiffness
       Numb in my limbs
           Struggling to hold back the waves in my eyes
                Because....
iKeep seeing you there but you don't seem to see me at all.
You'reLike a ghost from the past
        ButYou look more real to me than I've ever known
.a l i v e.

And I keep hearing your voice in strange places...
            Calling my name.
And i'm screaming out loud and the tears are streaming and pouring down!
But you still don't see me....
                and I'm standing right here, so why can't you see me?

Then i realise,
Peace no longer seems to resonate
Where it once did.
It has been drowned in the echoes that surround my very existence.

I see you. still.
I hear you. still.
                &I;'m trying so hard to reach out to you. still.
But you're not really here, anymore.
& that's when time stands.still.
The realization doesn't fit, right.still.
In my mind you're.....still.....here.
But....still.
I tell myself.
If you where there, you wouldn't let me feel so deathly chilled
So deathly cold.
So empty'n'shallow
So hollow that I can hear my own echoes.
Bounce of the walls suffocating me..still.

You wouldn't leave me lost. in this still-ness.
You wouldn't be looking for me as I am you.
You'd find me.

And I'm pulled out of my daze
& the haze lifts
Yet it...still...hurts
I'm so misreble without the blurry'hazey'dazey'maze
Because without you I'm so conflicted'n'confused
Without the nightmares...
Forcing me to stay alive, to survive, to find a way....
I'm forced to awaked to a cold flush of realities.

That...
1)You're just not here anymore.
2) I can only see you in figments of my imaginations.
3) You're a fragment of a past I can't seem to let go of.
4) You're Simply....
G
    o
        n
            e            
          ­       .

Thefloorisvibrating, mythoughtsarefading,
I see greyfogmisty,
like clouds of softpillows glistening,
But it'sshifting.

I want to reachout & touchyourhand
Keephoping that you'llmagicallyappear*
a curve starts forming across myfaceoftiredness...

Ifeel warmthinkingofher.
Thefog seemstobelifting and now there's arayof lightpiercing thegrey'grey'ness...

&Maybe....;
IfIclosemyeyesshe'llfeelcloser,
Maybe...if I block out the vibrations&thenoises;
I can picture a newvisionofher...insteadof envisioningamemory
Not of someangel who seems to glowfromheaven, but thewarmth
of hereyes as shesilentlygazed beyondthesilenceoftheunkown,
Thewayshe'dsay myname and makemefeelwhole.

Thefloorisvibrating, mythoughtsarefading
Isee greyfogmisty, like flufflywhitecloudsofsoftpillows..
but it's shifting.
and I'mthinking...
of you..
andthinking.

Having a fairylikeyou as mybestfriend...
is such a giantgianthippo of a blessing
andbeingyourbestfriend...
isthebestestbestthing...
­*ever.

“I don’t want to think of you like this,
but the nights are when my thoughts attack me the most.

I know you’re not okay
& it ⁢kills me that I can’t help you because you won’t let me.

It kills me that I have to watch you get worse
even though we’re miles apart.

When all I want to do is save you, but I can't.

It kills me that with every attempt I try,
&mak;; to help get through to you is blocked out,
Because I just can't be there physically...anymore,
To squeeze your hand and remind you I care,
To wipe your tears and silently speak through our comfortable stares.
To hug you tight, and ease your fears.

It kills me.*

It kills me because I know you try,
to barricade and hide,
the pain.

Through shutting me out and focusing on other things to lessen the blow at first ...only to make it worse later.

It kills me that no one we know would believe me if I tried to tell them what you don’t want them to know, because if you did, at least one person would check on you constantly for me.

It kills me that I can’t name one person I could count on to do that for me.

It kills me that I have to spill my heart out in these poems just to get my point across.

It kills me that I can feel all of your pain on top of mine since you’re my other half and we’ll always be inter-connected, entwined, like a braided rope...whether we like it or not.

It kills me to think of what you’d do the day you finally decide you can’t take it anymore and take drastic measures over something that had a solution.

It kills me that everybody would blame me, screaming
“why didn’t you try harder?!”  
While I collapse and crumble,
down to my knees,
sobbing.

Then some even dare to shoot their accusations in a different way,
their sickly sweet smiles curve at their lips as they mouth the words
'it wasn't really your fault'

My cries of apologizes become a silent distant mumble.
My mind numb.

They don't hear me anymore, I'm as lost as she is now gone.
They have failed to hear the cry of the shattered ones,
echo from within me....
“You don’t understand how much I tried. How much she *tried.”