feeling small is sacred
when my head rests against Your warm chest
and i can hear Your heartbeat slow
as You begin to fall asleep in my arms

feeling small is sacred
when i feel Your lips against my forehead
Your warm hands cradling my face
Your smile against my cheek

feeling small is sacred
when i see Your eyes, illuminated by the warm morning sun coming in through Your bedroom window
not only the brilliant colors
but the depth of the soul within as well

feeling small is sacred
when i hear my own name in Your mouth
it sounds worthy of the warm love with which You pronounced it
and i almost want to ask You to say it again
just so i can hear it

when one is cared for
when one is held
when one is loved
the way You have me
feeling small is sacred

the starving child with filthy hands
reaches quietly towards me for anything i can give
knowing from experience that cries will fall on deaf ears

i turn my face away
refusing to feed the pathetic creature
because i want some semblance of superiority over something for once in my life

because when i was starving
not for food, but for something far more filling
i too was left wanting
and i need someone to feel that desperation too

because i want that child to learn as i did
that the world is a cruel place
and that you need to learn how to feed yourself
or perish in slow starvation

because when you give away all that you have
leaving nothing for yourself to gnaw upon
you are no better than the starving masses you serve
and death is far better than what you deserve

the child and i will starve together

as i fall to the earth
soft, warm, and wet from
the rain
you follow me there
tied to me with unseen
strings
neither of us certain
of who is under whose
control
neither of us caring
such is the nature of our
addiction
moonlight is a ******
staring hungrily
at my arched back
your strong arms
our points of connection
our bodies outlined in silver
the strings that bind us together coil
tighter
and tighter
leaving marks on
my wrists
on your back
around my neck
urging us closer and closer
your name catches in my throat
while my own name leaves
my brain
unnecessary information
lost to make space for
your fingers
and
your tongue

a child's laughter lances through my monochrome morning
irritable grey flecked with the overjoyed oranges and greens of gaiety
paint that has always run off my canvas
though i beg for it to stain my skin

i scratch the sidewalk with the prescribed chalk i collect
taking tiny white and barely blue tablets to the asphalt
with heavy arms
drawing designs onto my brain
hoping it helps

but when the wind wails through the painted park
chalk is chased away by clouds of chaos
the dark dances in and sits between me and my mending

i watch families flee for shelter
i watch friends fight fires together
with heavy eyes
the chalk crumbles to powder in my hands

i seek solace inside
but there is nowhere to go
i can't hide from darkness when the sun has already set

i remember again why i hate the summer as the jeep jostles on the bumpy dirt road to the river

my shorts ride up over my knees and i have to keep my hands splayed over my thighs so you won't see the godawful things i carved into them years ago

the music blares and skips like my heartbeat does when we hit a pothole and you go flying into me

you laugh, leaning against my shoulder like it's nothing to you

i laugh, the heat of the day creeping into my face because you're everything to me

i stammer out something dry and everyone laughs

you look at me, the glitter of the sun against the river quite clear in your eyes and in your smile

you tell me you smile with your eyes and i believe you

i adjust my sunglasses for the third time but by the time we arrive in a cloud of dust and laughter the sun is already behind the tree lined mountains

They'll get their powers back
by tomorrow morning
and unfreeze the well
to save the water
because they had to carry in snow
and melt it.

my hand around your throat
makes you melt against me
good boy
i purr
switch

your hand around my throat
makes my eyes flutter closed
and my mouth drop open
you release me and i open my eyes again
switch

all it takes this time is a look
i see your pupils dilate
and you open yourself to me once more
switch

when you bite my lip i can't bite back my moans
switch

you raise your arms above your head
switch

i love you
switch
i love you

scent carries the strongest memories
and when i smell the smoke of
a distant wildfire
i remember you

i hear sirens
and remember the song of you calling to me
– tempting me with your promise –
but by the name that would have crashed me into the rocks
had i let it live

i taste salt and blood
whiskey and water
ash
and lust
i had thought my palate cleansed
yet the flavor remains in my throat

when i dream about you, i often wake unsure whether i am drenched in my own sweat or yours
sometimes i can still feel the strength of your hands
around my neck
around my thighs
sometimes i can still feel your body along with my own
i wonder if you still think about me when you touch yourself

scent carries the strongest memories
and when i smell the smoke of a
distant wildfire
i remember you

Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mount Crumpit,

He rode to the tiptop to dump it!

"Pooh-pooh to the Whos!" he was grinch-ish-ly humming.

"They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming!

"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!

"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two

"All the Whos down in Who-ville will all cry BOO-HOO!"...



At the top of the mountain he untied his dog

From the sleigh. And the valley was filling with fog

As thick as the Who Hash he'd grinched just before.

He chuckled with glee at what was in store.

Now the Grinch grabbed the sacks from the top of the sleigh,

And with a mighty "HEAVE **!" he shoved them away.

The bags filled with toys well they weaved and they shook

With the weight of the things he so sneakily took.

Until finally momentum made things far less slow.

They fell 3000 feet to the jagged rocks below.

A sickening crunch and several sharp cries

At first startled the Grinch but caused him to realize

When he stole from the Whos down in Whoville his pride

Had gotten the best of him; he'd thrown some children inside.

He giggled maliciously, grabbed his dog Max

And got back in the sleigh, for he couldn't relax.

He had to go back, for his job wasn't done.

All the Whos down in Whoville, every last one

Every man, every woman, every daughter and son

Would be dead in their beds by the dawn of the sun.

The trip down Mount Crumpit was faster than up

As he growled to himself, "where's that ***** with the cup?"

He jumped off the sleigh, machete in hand

And marched straight into Whoville, whose gates could not stand

For the rage made him strong. How he hated the Whos

With their **** cheesy smiles, and their dumb pointy shoes,

Turned up noses and pigtails and hideous songs,

THE SONGS, THE SONGS, HOW HE HATED THE SONGS.

And now he'd make sure that the Whos sang no more...

At Cindy Lou Who's house he kicked down the door

And strode into the bedroom of Cindy Lou Who.

She woke with a start, murmured "Santa? That you?"

The Grinch, with a sneer, grabbed Lou Who by the hair,

****** her out of bed seven feet in the air,

And with two sharp knives pinned her arms to the wall.

Her screams roused her parents just down the hall.

They ran to their child to save her from harm.

The mistake that they made cost them each their right arm.

Writhing on the floor in their own ****** mess,

They looked at the Grinch in a state of distress.

"Why would you do this?" they managed to hurl,

"Please, you can **** us, just not our little girl!"

He listened to their pleas with a wry little smile,

He patiently heard them, then after a while,

He cut out their tongues with another sharp knife,

First of the husband, and then of the wife.

Then he turned to young Cindy with glee,

And hissed in her ear, "you'll do something for me..."

Cindy shook her head violently, but to no avail,

For the Grinch had the tongues on a rusty old nail.

He shoved them down her gullet. She started to choke,

Then she finally died, for the rusty nail broke.

He stepped over the body of mother Lou Who,

And the Grinch slithered over to house #2.

With this house he made quick work of the Whos.

He set them on fire to cure them of the "blues."

The blaze that resulted would spread down the street,

Drawing Whos from their houses like flies to dead meat.

A grenade waited for them in center of town.

A click, then a boom mowed, like, half of them down.

The other half attempted a weak attack.

With a Type-67 the Grinch kept them back.

The little Who children could do nothing but stare

In open-mouthed horror as the Grinch, without care,

Shot them down one by one till the snow was stained red,

And he would not stop firing till they were all dead.



And as the sun rose oe'r the grisly scene,

The Grinch drenched in blood of adult, child, and teen,

With a pentagram smack in the center of town,

And the tree in the middle would slowly burn down.

With the scalps of the Whos down in Whoville in hand,

The Grinch called his dog Max, who could barely stand

Because he was violently shaking in shock.

He could not even whimper, let alone walk.

Not a Who was left standing, not a song to be heard,

Save for that of a single Who bird

Which was quickly snuffed out by a single pistol round.

And after that there was not a sound.

The Grinch, his work finished, got back in the sleigh,

Cracked the whip over Max, and slithered away.

The last thing the poor town of Whoville would hear:

"If there's anyone left, well, I'll come back next year!"

my mind spoils the innocence of holding you close in a cold movie theater
i am thankful for the darkness that protects you from the look that poured into my face when you touched me
my hands are clasped together and i'm glad you can't see them shaking
you've leaned your head on my shoulder and i'm hoping to god you can't feel my heart beating even from there
your fingers creep up my arm to bring me closer and my eyes flutter closed
and i pray that you didn't hear my breath catch in my throat
you've got to stop or i might just fall in love with you, my body whispers
are you warm enough?, my mouth says instead

in theory
warmth on a warm day
shouldn't be what i want

but locked into you
holding on for dear life
while my toes barely
touch the floor
sweat is sweet

i hold the heat
my hands damp
my eyes wide for lack of light

if you are summer
melt the ice that lingers on my riverbed
guide the snowmelt down between my banks
i don't want to be cold anymore

sink your sharp white teeth deep
into my skin
i want to feel you break bone
warm blood gushing down your chin
as you **** the marrow out

"let me feed you,
let me give you life",
i whisper through the mangled mess
where my mouth used to be

your large, feral eyes fix upon mine
as you pause to chew another piece you've ripped from me
you tilt your head in curiosity
wondering why i do not scream

does it not hurt when you crack open my rib cage
to gnaw on my still beating heart?

it does

of course it does

but if it means you are nourished
if it means you may live
i would gladly suffer

so eat

eat

either until there is nothing left of me
or until you are full
and fall asleep by my carcass

i will not run from you
even if it means i may die by your hand
because i love you

there's a tremor whose fingers slide up my sternum when i'm with you
my heart stumbles in my cracked chest
out of the corner of my eye i see you swaying on saltwater sound
filling my lungs and stinging your throat with the dryness of almonds
the chord crests
you slip out of sight and i am seasick

there's a tremor whose fingers slide up my sternum when i'm with you
my heart stumbles in my taut throat
your right hand caresses chalices with the ghost of a graze
your left hand haunts your hair, denoting the declination of your neck

there's a void whose fingers walk down my back when i'm without you
my heart falls into my empty stomach
i am walking away with widowed dreams deemed deadly
you are walking away

there's a void whose fingers walk down my back when i'm without you
my heart falls into the chasm of my chest
sleep slips from my hands long after your silence

thinner than air
thicker than the tide of sleep

wonder and want

it lines your silhouette
moonlight makes your skin glow
dawn hurries to meet us
and your eyes are sunrise

i hear it pass from your lips
and slip through my fingers
your murmured assent
humming to the rhythm of the fan's rotation
clockwise
and your heartbeat, your breath
faster

it coats my tongue
your teeth
our throats
i can't get enough of the taste

our noses meet
our breaths mingle

your hands
in my hair,
your mouth
on my neck

a feeling floods me and as i drown all i can do is reach for you

when i spoke
to you on
the phone today

i quaked when
i thought of
what you'd say

if i told
you i'd been
thinking this way



i wonder what
you would ever
think of me

if i had
read you a
poem i'd written (or three)

and let you
hear of the
creature we'd be



we would break
of your sweat
with many-toothed jaws

we would drip
of my blood
with skin-piercing claws

we would be
the perfect monster
flawless in flaws

my lips are coated in dust from centuries of silence
cobwebs lace between my eyelashes from decades of darkness
the spiders who made them have moved on or died long ago
the dead ones curled up
rigor mortis in my ears
my flesh decays
i no longer remember when the crows last came to feast
before the rotting began
i do, however, remember that i was once alive
and had been when i was buried here

i was taken from my home, wrenched from my bed in the middle of the night
by six hulking figures that wore my face
icy cold hands with vice like grips around my wrists, throat, and ankles dragged me through the dark and empty streets, silent but for my screams
they did not answer when i asked them what they wanted
they did not listen when i pleaded for my life

the sun was beginning to rise as we arrived at my tomb
they released me and i stood to face them
my back to the black entrance
i knew in my heart that i was meant never to feel the warmth of another day
they would not let me, and i was not strong enough to take them all on
knowing this, tears fell from my captors’ eyes and mine
i turned and walked inside, my final act of free will
the figures watched

time passed
hours turned to days, which began to fade, like my memory of colors
i have since lost track of time, having no light or method with which to keep it
i can only assume it has been a while, whatever that means

i have stopped wondering why i am here
the wondering without answers would have driven me mad

would have driven me mad

would have driven me mad

would have driven me mad

look at me
listen to my breath
encircle my wrists
with the snare of your stare

travel down
trap my arms
make me shiver from heat of it
melt the snow in my hair

touch me
warm my heart with your hands
where your fingers pass
you make the goosebumps grow

light me up
make me aflame
where your lips pass
you know i am aglow

i fall apart where your fingernails dig into my
seams
i fall apart when your fingernails dig into my
dreams
we are sewn
together
we are coming
undone

you stopped your departure to embrace me
your head touched my shoulder
i sighed and then
your face (warm)
turned inward
your nose (cold)
touching my neck (hot)

there we remained for what seemed like
the time it takes for ice to boil (twelve to thirteen minutes)
though it couldn't have been more than
the time it takes for butter to melt (thirty to forty-five seconds)

i breathed you in, faster now
your heartbeat (slow)
steady against mine (racing)
we both saw stars, though i can only say
mine were of a different nature

then you left
the night was dark again until i came home
(still seeing stars until dawn, five hours later)

my hands want to autocorrect to you

to change every word i've written to your name
to change every word i've spoken to your name
to change every word i've thought to your name

again, again, again

i wonder if i come unbidden to your thoughts like you do to mine
overwhelming, overtaking, overcoming, all of you
i wonder if i've visited you in your dreams like you have mine
overwhelming, overtaking, overcoming, all of me

again, again, again

i wonder if you'll ever read what i've written about you
i wonder if i'll ever tell you what i've thought about you
i wonder if the time will ever be right

again, again, again

i imagine us falling into each other, crashing, breaking, shattering
i imagine us laying together in our own fragments, water seeping through our cracks
i imagine us walking into the coldest part of the night to watch the sunrise

again, again, again

This
All of this
This browsing in Walgreens when I have no ******* money to spend on makeup or pencils or tampons or iPod chargers or candles or diapers or juice or valentines or matches or tissues or anything
I have no ******* money to spend on anything
I have no ******* money to spend on food or water or air or freedom
And they touch me when I scream DON'T ******* TOUCH ME
And they feed me when I scream DON'T ******* FEED ME
DON'T ******* TOUCH ME
DON'T ******* FEED ME
I'M GOING OUTSIDE INTO THE PRISON YARD THAT STRETCHES ON FOR MILES AND MILES AND MILES
I'M GOING OUTSIDE INTO THE PRISON YARD THAT GOES ON FOR MILES AND MILES AND MILES AND IT NEVER ******* ENDS
I have no choice but to let them touch me
I have no choice but to let them feed me
Because they can
Because they can
And I am nothing
And I AM NOTHING
GET ME OUT OF HERE
OPEN THIS ******* DOOR
LET ME OUT
DO YOU ******* HEAR ME
LET
ME
OUT

She dances through the water
Her eyes are glowing bright
She truly is angelic
Her face a shining light
She tosses her hair behind her
With her there is no night
Her loveliness is killing me
A death I cannot fight.

last night i dreamed my cat rose from his bed and slid out the door

and leaped into the sky, gliding lazily through the air with a serene look

on his fuzzy face

batting at birds that passed him by

until he was just a speck on the horizon

where he closes a door he opens a window
or so i am told
for every door closes, slams shut behind me
and turns into a wall

every wall solid, brick, concrete
impenetrable and grey
no cracks, nowhere to slip through and escape
i run my hands along the walls, feeling for a flaw
i find nothing but scraped palms

i hear voices on the other side
i hear people talking, praying

every voice muffled, muted, hushed
indistinguishable and grey
no words, nothing to slip through and help me understand
i scream and scratch against the walls hoping to be heard
i find nothing but raw psalms

i feel around for anything
a hammer, a chisel, a light switch
something to save me

but all i find are things i've thrown
plates, pillows, a shattered phone

the walls are closing in around me
they think i don't know that they're moving in each night
but i taste the closeness of the air each morning
and i know i don't have much time left

i don't have much time left

Burn, freeze, sanitize
my hands
So they'll forget how yours feel
Cleanse my skin again and again
And maybe I won't remember
How soft you were in my arms
Lobotomize my brain, please
So I can forget who you are to me
Then maybe a smile
will appear on my cracked lips
And I will
lose you
to that beautiful new world

i struggle to dam an ocean but it presses up against the walls until they crack
and salt erodes my twisted face
the room blinks faster but the water won't stop rushing down
flooding this closed off space that doesn't belong to me
i block off my mouth against the tide of the sound that will
inevitably shake its way loose from my anchored chest
but i can't block off my mind against the tide of thought that will inevitably shake its way loose from my anchored head

water boils faster when salt is added
i struggle to dam an ocean but it presses up against the walls until they crack
and fog rolls into my eyes from the darkened shore
the scorching sunlight rises in my cracking chest
i open my mouth and the gulls cry
unintelligibly
they circle and they circle
their screams ringing, echoing, fading unnoticed

i reach out for something, anything to keep from being dragged away by the tide but find only sand slipping between my fingers and under my nails and salt in my eyes
and in my mouth
and in my throat
and in my lungs
and then there is only night

again you tell me
that you love me
that you’ve always loved me
that we were meant to be

the third time is perhaps
the charm

my legs tremble
when i hear your voice
when you turn over and expose your belly
when you tell me how much you want me

i always forget what happens next
the pattern
the clarity daylight brings to you
and to me
without fail

you tell me what you said the last time
and the time before that
that i shouldn’t feel used
and i don’t know if that’s the word i would have chosen

i ask myself
what i do feel
what drives me to you each time
what pushes me back into this strange and dark dance

is it love?
is it fate?
is this doom or destiny?

do i even believe in such things?

do you?

i have no answers
for you or even for myself

all i know is the pull
you say you feel it too
yet you pull away again
just as you did before

and i know not what to do

blank black screen stare
call me back, if you dare

losing phone tag, no reply
reread texts, heavy sigh

blank black screen stare
call me back, if you dare

unlock, check, and lock again
the clouds outside are heavy with rain

blank black screen stare
call me back, if you dare

seconds, minutes, hours pass
hack through time with tempered glass

blank black screen stare
call me back, if you dare

night fall, rain start
dully beating sluggish heart

blank black screen stare
call me back, if you dare

pale sickness
you're white as a sheet

draining illness
your clammy white skin
rots

deathly light
the diseased white sun will bleach your bones
after the doves pick them clean

sickly white
your cracked teeth clatter out of your skull
dominos in a dead white jar


trembling hands the color of spoiling milk
carefully cradle an almost translucent infant
mother and child
both far too weak to feed

the only thing that grows here is decay
white mold thrives on your hoarded white bread
while outside the safety of the white picket fence
there is not a single soul who does not
recognize the white of an unburied skeleton
under a full moon

i can't sit still
i can't lay down
i can't sleep

there is no time for rest
there is no time for play
there is no time

there is so much i must do
there is so much i must do
there is so much i must do

what i've done is not good enough
what i've done is not enough

i have to do more
i'm so tired but i have to do more

no sleeping
i'll sleep when i've done what i must do

i don't know what i must do
but i know i have to do it
whatever it is
and then i'll be content, right?
right?





right?