She told me that if she was anything
She was a desperate attempt
Of a human life form
She told me that she never felt sanity
Never felt normal
But she told me that her desperation
Was just because she wanted to fit in
It wasn't her fault
She was the daughter of the guardian
'I just want my story to be told,
Truthfully indeed,'
She said to me, as I sipped my tea
'Truthful, I can try,
But honey, story telling is based on lies,'
I smiled as I finished my brew
And walked out planning the death of you.

I just want to tell you
That being destroyed
Emotionally torn limb from limb,
Is what I do best
So don't say I didn't warn you
When you fall down with me

I am exhausted
I just want some sleep
But all I could do
Is stay up writing
I've my computer
Equipt with music
And this website
I have nothing to fear
Other than the night
I just want to get some rest
Lay my weary head abreast
To whatever it is
I am attempting to achieve
I'm so tired,
Please let me get some sleep
Nothing has upset me more
When I am feeling stuff
That I can't ignore
But if I cannot identify these overwhelming feeling
That have all become one
Does that mean that they are really feelings
Or just exhaustion?
Please let me sleep
I'm so ******* tired
My eyes remain open,
Mind unflustered
I am feeling too much at the moment
Things that I cannot comprehend.
I should put down my computer
And just go to bed
But I can't
Because I am feeling something I cannot name
And the tears that I long for
Never came
I just want to know
What it is I'm feeling
And why it is I feel this way
I want to know
If this stupid feeling
I have had so many times before
Is here to stay
Please let me sleep
Mind, let me go
Brain, will me to be free
I just want to get some sleep

She says she is sorry
For being who she is
When she all she wanted to be
Is someone who feels
She tells you that she is sorry
Because she knows it is a lie
She couldn't feel sorry
Even if she tried
'Never feel remorse
For the things you've done
Don't tell them you are sorry,
You might as well be gone.'
Her words are true
As the world is round
She wishes that just once
She wouldn't apologize
For being who she is.

But she spits the words
Because she has been *******
By words that she has said
That make her look her very best
'I'M SORRY,'
She screams
As the blood becomes tears
I'm sorry I'm not who you want
I'm sorry that I'm not perfect
I'm just so ******* sorry
That I am not who you want
Because god forbid
I was my own person
Instead of just your little toy

The only reason she says sorry
Is so that you won't **** her
For being who she wants to be

Finding peace in silence
Is like finding hope in sadness
The only thing I have found in silence
Is that my own mind works in ways
That I can't understand
The only thing I have found in silence
Are brilliant words that have gone unsaid
The only thing I have found in silence
Is that when nothing makes a sound
Thoughts become far too profound
To ignore
Making silence as noisy
As a nice Nirvana song
That brings peace of mind
Because I know there people like me
That are as deeply ******* up

Silence is worse
Than the worst thing you've ever heard
Because in silence you can't hear
And the words people think
Forever going unsaid
I have missed many a great conversation
Because of this so-called "silence"
That everyone wants to keep

To me, silence is horrid
It is a waste of time
A waist of hope
Knowing that people want silence
I like to be left alone
But if there isn't a song
I am *******
Silence makes all the voices in my head louder
Makes all the logic smaller
Makes the living harder
So don't tell me to be silent
Because when you do
You are making my life
Completely
And utterly

IMPOSSIBLE

To be brave
Doesn't mean that you aren't scared
It means that you're terrified
And you've realized your fear
It doesn't mean that you have conquered it
In many of your brave battles
Fear still resides in your heart
Rowing without a paddle

To be brave
Isn't to be feared
It means that you can be pathetic
It means that you are scared
But bravery also means
That you have made up your mind
That you will tell your fears to just back off
Just for this short amount of time
Tell them to leave you alone
Because I have a stage to steal
Tonight, the world is all mine

To be brave
Really means that you were scared
And despite that fear
You did what needed to be done
To protect and save
The people that you loved
Even if this task might lead to death
You know at least
You tried to save someone.

If he was anything
(Other than himself)
He would want to be a book
Resting on a shelf
He wanted to be a story
Told by a person who knew him well
He wanted to be all the character
Who didn't have any flaws
He wanted to be perfect
The best character you ever saw!
This man was fooled into believing a lie
A lie he had been told all his life
Anybody can be flawless
But with that logic,
All your flaws are amplified
Please believe me when I say
That I made his story true
He was the antagonist
He was the bad guy
But he wanted all the right things
The only thing he did wrong
Was believing in a lie.

She will be tough
Whenever she is spoken to
In the wrong way
She will tell you what she wants
And she'll tell you right away
She will breathe because she can
Not because she needs to
Her heart is solid brick
With not a care in the world
But don't let her indignation fool you
She cares more than you could know
Her feelings have been muddled
By so many years of pain
What if instead of crying,
She just made it rain?
She will step outside into the scorching sun
Let her hair flow
In the dying wind
Don't be bothered to save her
Because she's only ever saved herself
Indignation is dangerous
Unless you're smart enough

To be freed
Is to feed
Lies to everyone
That walks this earth
And smiles when it rains
To be freed,
****, I'd rather feel pain
Freedom is a thing
Sure it is.
But as long as your living on this Earth
You might as well be in prison

To be freed
Yeah, right
We all have this greed
That will keep us from freedom
And this greed keeps us from the night
Where when we wake
Things will rejuvenate
But do any of us
Really believe in true revival,
When we have lost so many
To survival?
All I'm saying,
Is that the point of living
Is to survive
And not to live
This freedom isn't freedom
This "freedom" is jail

I don't understand
Why anyone would want to be pretty
When they could be unique
I know that I would rather be me
Than be pretty
Sorry to say that looks ain't all that
But trust me,
It's the character that matters
Not what the character's wearing
It is more beautiful
When the character does something
That is pretty
When they tell you
How amazing the character looks
And how everyone ought to be jealous
I'm sorry,
But I want to match my outside with my in
And if my inside has purple hair,
A lip ring
And stretched ear lobes
Then that's exactly what I want to look like
Because to me, that's an action
And you know that actions
Are really what makes a story
Real

So who here wants to be pretty?

Suppressed
Into nothingness
Never allowed to be who I am
I just want some freedom
I don't care what it is
I want to dye my hair purple
And get a nice lip ring
I want gauges in my hears
And to get some more piercings
I want to get a tattoo
One that says, '*******'
I also what some help
To not feel so suppressed

I have never been myself
Even when I am around people I love
Because no one really likes me
Though I like to be myself, it's fun
All that I'm saying, is it's just a little dye
A little hole in my skin
That will go away when I'm done
Please oh please
Just let me be myself
I want to be different
I'm currently somebody else

I know you don't get body art
Or the fact that it's just as beautiful as a poem
I know that you wouldn't want to look at me
Even though I'm stuck in your home
All I'm asking
Is for you to allow me an identity
This person that I am right now
Is not the real me
I just want some help
To not feel so suppressed

The girl sits alone
With her head cupped in her hands
Her tears spill into the puddle at her feet
And I wonder if it what there before
'Please don't cry,'
I tell the girl
Just as I start to cry too
I don't know
That she is crying for the same reason I am
She is crying because of the loss
For losing what you know best
For me, it was my mind
For her, it was him

'Please don't cry my dear,'
I mutter through tears
'You don't need him,
He did nothing to deserve you,'
I tell her, hoping the sobs
Will come to an end
'That's just the thing,'
She whispers
Loud enough for me to hear
'He did everything for me,
and I held back because of my fears.'

I like your poem
To let you know that I'm there
I will love the poem
To let you know I care
Sometimes, I just look at that heart
And think about sending the best of wishes
Having gone through too much
In too few years
But my judgment
Is clouded by fear
By all those people
Who knows not what I mean
I understand too much
For my own good
I know what it's like to be hooked
On something that is horrible
And drawn to the silvery blade
To lose someone to their emotions
And to love someone that will never love you back
And just the opposite of that
I know what it is like
So I loved your poem
And liked it just for good measure

The happiness I found
Is within the soft strokes
Of ukulele strings
The strangely melodic singing
The whistling in the background
The simple meanings that are so much more
The way each note resonates
Into the very next
In the ukulele
I found happiness

There are trees made of forests
People made of communities
The tree takes their soul
***** them into their roots
Into their leaves
I have never had so much respect
For the simplistic pine needles

Somewhere in the world
There are trees made of forests
Leaves made of trees
Dogs made of cats
And people who will never look back
We are not backward
There is a little bit of bad in good
And there are trees made of forests

I am tired of being defined by numbers
How many likes you get on this,
How many followers do you have on that,
What is your weight?
Are you considered fat?
Numbers that rank me
Am I good in math?
No, sadly I have failed that class,
Along with every other class that year,
If I told you how many, you would laugh and jeer
But this is not a joke
No, it most certainly is not
I am tired of being defined by numbers
And always being asked how much

Her eyes were coals
Lit up by the fire within
Her mind was a cave
Dark and twisted
She burned like an ember
When she knew she was being wronged
I wish you were here to see what you've done

Her red hair
Compliments her seemingly frozen soul
Not even the warmest fire could save her
Don't say I didn't say so
She is broken to a point of no return
She is the immortal problem
The ally
The villain
The shapeshifter

I am not living in a book
Where there is always the perfect guy
The perfect story
And everything ends perfectly fine
I am in a nightmare,
The worst part is that I have no idea how I got there

I have fought until I was spent
My ashes floating in the wind
Until I realize that I am in a book
And not the kind that you want to be in

Life is an untold story
Unfolding on the path ahead of you
I am living through a pandemic
Tell me what you would do?
I am living in a book
Are you sure that you don't want to give it a quick look?

The moon is dark
The sun is light
They bring us day
Followed by night
A time when everything is quiet
And still
When you can do anything you want
Of your own will
Moon brings us peace
Knowing that we have to face another day
Where the sun brings us time
Waiting for another night to go by
Sun means war upon my skin
Moon means the pleasant night is bound to begin
Calling all of my men
To come protect me from the sun
Blistered and scarred
Waiting for the night to start

She stood there
Like the sun sits in the sky
Blank and waiting
Breathing until the moon arrives
Her dark skin
Is a memory
Of the ash and soot she trudged through
Just to get to the battlefield
Just to say, 'I told you'
Her hair is weeping in the wind
A matted mess of former glory
She wonders would she have ever been
What she wanted if she had the chance too
But alas this girl was strong and wise
A memory of days gone by
Remembered only by the past
A memory that is bound to last

He has dark hair
Almost like the night
Dark enough to seem as though it was black
Even though it was blue shining bright
He is completely different in the day
Saying things he would never say
His mouth is a cruel curve
Because everything he says is absurd
His eyes a gleaming blue
To match his night-like hair
He isn't you
I wish you were here

The corona
The atmosphere around the sun
Beer that is done
Virus that has swept
Through the streets
Of poor little America
We now hold the records
Of people who have the infection
And glory is, all of our working class has gone!
Where are these people?
What have you done?
Oh, I remember.
You gave us corona.
The atmosphere around the sun
Beer that is done
Virus that has swept
Through the streets
Of poor little America

Cracking my neck
Preparing for battle
Calling my men
Those of whom you can't rattle
You cannot play these mind games
It won't work, these men have been tamed
Place all your bets
Put down your day's wage
Watch and listen
As we end your meaningless day

Cracking my neck
Reading my best work
Laying you to rest
As I read my last word
This adventure has been fun
I'm telling you, it has
But the story is done
You must now go to bed

Looking without seeing
Hearing without listening
Eating without tasting
Bleeding without feeling
Pacing but not walking
Hoping but not praying
Crazed without lunacy
Taking without wanting
Breathing but not living

Surrounded without belonging
Alone without loneliness
Saying without believing
Speaking without thinking
Desperation is overcoming
As I try to find a way
To not breath without living

Why not be blamed
For something I did not do?
A crime is not a crime
Unless it has been committed
But this my friends,
It was an accident,
And I am afraid I did not do it

Why not be blamed
For a victimless crime
When it happened right before my eyes
We take the time and time again
And it starts to get real
The happenings begin

Why not be a motherless child
In a world that makes that okay
I am a victim of a crime
A crime that can't be faked

Why not leave
Mother dearest
When I need you most
To work my way through this
I'm starting to hear voices in my head
Help me, mother,
I just want this to end
I am not crazy
The voices haven't pushed me over the edge
Find me, mother
Even though I know you're dead

Do you remember
When we aimed to happy and pleased
Remember the days when being normal was being happy?
Now that I am in this horrid years
Between the age of 12 and 20
I am stuck with feeling unhappy
Amidst so many others
With less than maintained roads ahead
Remember the days when we didn't wish for death?
Remember when life was easier
Instead of shrouded with hate
Just looking at another person
And waiting for the feeling to fade
Remember the days when we didn't care?
When we didn't care about our clothes
And what made us look fat
Our faces or who we make laugh?
Remember the days when I was loved
And not just seen as a miserable *****?
Remember the days when I had you
To soothe my burning hateful itch
Remember when we didn't have to fear adults?
When we didn't question their intentions
Remember when we were just obnoxious adolescents?
When life was just making your parents annoyed
And butting heads
Remember when life
Was actually fun to live?

If this is my dark night of the soul
I would like you all to know
That I never wanted to be like this
Living in this monstrous world
I am trapped in a place that I cannot see
For vast distances and in between
I am blinded by unforgiving fear
Of what will happen when you come near
Writing is my blade
And I wield it to scar
If you caused this dark night of the soul
I'll never know who you are
Because there is no one who causes this pain
Just me alone, with my nameless name

Eyes don't lie
They tell the truth
The eyes
Betray the lie
That comes from the betrayers
Truth

But some people
Will never know
The difference between truth
And lie
Some people will only know
What hides behind your cold glass filled eyes

You cannot draw me
Can't properly express me in words
You want to write me down
Try to convey your hurt
But you cannot do so
When words cannot rightfully tell
What you've been through
If you've been through hell

You cannot draw an emotion
Even if you can bend it to your will
You can, however, bleed it dry
And let the overflow spill
Into your poems with intentions unknown
And hope for the best of luck
When everything is gone
And you've got nothing left

Emotion is hard to see
To the untrained eye
But those who have seen the deepest depths
Know when others are about to cry

Too perfect
Too lovely
Too willing to die
She let death kiss her lips
Without saying goodbye

She said that everything was just too much
Her life was too hard
Everything was too challenging
Even when it wasn't

Too hidden
Too unseen
Beauty underneath
That will remain her majesties

The river flowing on my cheeks
Is drowning out the sounds
Of the apocalypse
With just the right kind
Of crying music

I've got music to my tears
That flows whenever
The dam decides to burst

The guitar is an effortless stream
While the soft bass is the rhythm of my heart
Music to my tears
The brushstrokes of my art

The sound waves flow
Through the earbuds
Protruding from under my shirt
Sending calming endorphins
And lovely drugs for my brain

Music to my tears
For the worse of fears

He left her blue roses
To commemorate his love
Left her notes,
Telling her to notice him
When she didn't
People had to die
People who looked like the victim
Who deserved to survive
But not everything is perfect
When predators lurk in the night
He stalked her until her wounds had healed
Those three little marks
That she left on his brow
Marring him, molding him
Into the scar of a person
This stalker really is

I don't feel anything right now
Not a distinction of pain or sorrow
Nor a tad bit of happiness, let alone glee
I'm sorry to say that I feel nothing

The fake words upon your lips
Beckon me closer to everything that is you
Pulling me into a world
That is drenched in blue

Nothingness creeps upon me
Like an unrelenting stalker
I am the goal, I'm what it wants
All nothing wanted to do was feel

When the night is over
And we are no longer young
I want to remind you of the days of nothing
And all of what you've done to me

Cherry blossoms fall from trees
In a beautiful scene
Mixing with lilacs
And the scent of lavender
I waited for you to come here
Waited when the snow fell
And before that, the leaves
It feels as though I am stuck here
For all eternity

I watch cherry blossoms
Fall from the tree above my head
Look for your halo of beautiful blond hair
Your amazing blue eyes
That shown me through the darkest night
Cherry blossoms fall
Marking you vanity

I wait for you to come
Under this cherry tree
Where we first met
I know that we're locked up
In a self-induced quarantine
But I'll wait while the blossoms fall
Wait for you to find me
Under the shade of these pink blossoms
That showed me shade
In times of light

sometimes I wonder if everything was just fine
would we still look at ****** the same way?
if we found a girl lying sleeplessly on the street
would we offer her a hand and be kindly
or would we just walk past saying to ourselves
that 'this is what they made it
everything is alright so she must be fine'
if we continued to say this would we lose sleep at night?
or would everything be okay
because everything was just fine

if someone came up to me
with slits on their wrists
and desperation in their eyes
would and turn them away and watch them cry
just because everything was supposed to be fine?
or would I sit down next to them and tell them to talk
ask them to tell their story even if it's done?
would I just say 'everything is peachy
I don't know what you'd want with marks on your wrist
when you could have used a gun'?
or would I say 'everything is okay'
as I brushed her hair from her face
and watched at the pain started to dissipate

what would I do if everything was fine???

In all honesty
I don't know what I want
I want for death and to be all the things that I'm not
but if I am then all the things that I'm not now
and I still wish that I was something else...
what do I really want?
and how do I keep the idea long enough to hold it down?
the truth is...I don't

I find myself within the darkest night
One with inescapable pain
And rocks chipping me away
I am in the dark night of the soul
One of the worst times in my life
I wonder how the moon ever looked bright

'Will I ever come out of this night?'
'I don't really know'
My mother told me when I was thirteen years old
I was already tired of life
Worn down to a crackling wire
That sparks to the touch
I'm dangerous to those who know me
And even those who don't, know enough
I'm trapped in the dark night of the soul
Can someone please open a window?

The dark night of the soul
Envelopes me in its embrace
Smiles as it kisses my face
'Hush,' she says,
'Everything will be okay'
But I have run from this night that has taken me, hostage
I have escaped this cage of the day unlit

Someone must understand
The way that my mind works
I am human after all
And writing for anyone to see
But quite a few folks
Look at me as if I had three heads on my shoulders
And I can't say I don't
Because that's just how my mind works
Someone must understand
Out of the 7.7 billion people on the face of the planet
Someone must know what it's like
To be trapped with three heads within one
Someone must understand
That the sky is falling when I finally come home
And I rest my head on my pillow
Pretend to sleep
In a restless daze
Someone must understand
Why it is I am this way

Desperation eats at my soul
As I constantly want for more likes
More notices
But when they never come
My mind clouds with the possibility
That they never will
And no one will ever notice
When I have gone
And where I went
I plead with desperation to the world
'Accept me, accept me!
For I am just human
I am just like you!
Please accept me
if it's the last thing you do!'
But I have learned
That not everyone is in agreement with my personality
And not everyone will find a way to accept me
But the people I love
Have accepted me and all my flaws
And for that I am grateful
But I still have all that desperation

I am a rocky terrain
With no hospitality to human life
A vast desert too harsh
For life to prosper
Let alone survive
I am a river with
Rapids flowing white
Better to not look at me
For fear of being swept away
I am a sharp glass
With a beautiful edge
Leave me alone
I'm hazardous

I sit alone at the table
I watch as my friends walk past
Failing to meet my soft gaze
Do I look pretty to you?
Or do I just look
Like something that you've never seen?
Why do you look at me so,
When you know you have no feelings
For me, other than to loathe?
Can I ever be loved
By a person who knows?

I see the couples making out in the halls
Their passion bigger than their egos
Which are big enough to cover the earth
In one fell swoop
Darkening everyone's door step
But not a single person will look at me
For I fear that I am ordinary
Just another person in the crowd
Unseen to the naked eye
Can I ever be loved?

For I know that you'll never share my feelings
You'll always fail to meet my gaze
When I bump into you,
You'll be repulsed to the point of running away
Surrounding yourself with danger
Is not going to keep love away
But it has for me
And now I want to give way
To the possibility
That the danger will never fade

Can I ever be loved?

Sadly I am unable to say
That I never felt this way before
Scared, alone, isolated
But all of the feelings have become a part of me
Like how roots are apart of the tree
That gave birth to a thought process
Bigger than anything we could have ever known
Sadly for some of us, this thinking is hell
But if I were given a choice
To be able to think, to breath,
To hear, and to see
And never to ever think
I would rather be blind
Because then I could see the world
Through unclouded eyes

I watch as fear takes hold on your face
The realization of what is to come
Something dark and twisted
Straight out of a science fiction novel
That something might be as bad
As it was on the news
Nothing so horrible
Worse than the words spilling from your lips

The emotion of the past
Starts to build up in your eyes
As I wonder how I am here
Writing about the fear that you feel
Looking into the distance
Knowing everything will be alright
As ash starts to fall from the sky
Another sign that problems will arise
Nothing has ever seemed so real
It was all just a twisted realty
Trust me I never meant to hurt anyone
The words of all the people who want to apologize
Before they are up to bat
To never really got to live long enough to last

The photograph stares back at me
With gleaming animal eyes
I wonder what thoughts
Dare to survive in his mind
Thoughts about me
That should be quickly shunned away
But linger just long enough for pain
As tears bite at my eyes
I wonder where you went
The man in this photo
Is no longer the person that you are
And everything is worthless
A useless map
Guiding me to places unknown
Places with a lack of hope
And overflowing with wishes
To bring back the dead
But that would be to easy
Waving your hand to bring back the person that you were
Nothing could bring back the man in this photograph
Not a single word could change your mind
And anything could be done to change mine

Someday
I hope to not be trapped in a hell that I call my own
Maybe I will be happy and not feel so lonely
But happiness is what I pursue
If I finally obtain it
What is there to chase after?
What is there to spur me on?
Someday
I hope to be somewhere good
With nothing but the things I need
And everything is just perfect
In my own little world
But what if that version of Someday
Doesn't exist
And I am only left with a bad taste on my lips
Wishing that I had never thought of Someday
Of a world that is better than ours
With no pain
No suffering
And no wishing that you could die
Sadly I think Someday
Will only ever exist in my mind
A place of war
And heartache
People and their wavering lies
I'm sorry that I told you of Someday
A place so perfect
That it will never exist
I'm sorry that if for a moment
I gave you the smallest glimmer of hope
That one day
You could find this Someday
And everything would be fine
That all is good in the this small world
That I'll just call Someday

Masked by silence
Making you think
That he wasn't the person he was
All of the ****** thoughts
That were constantly swirling in his head
Protected by a look
That could put fear
Into a bear's eyes

Masked by a personality that isn't her own
Making you think
She is something that she never was
Something that she'll never be
Fear holds her in its hands
Telling her to wear the mask
To not let anyone close enough
To see what she really is on the inside

These people met one day
They fell in love with the mask
That covered their lover
And told them that everything was fine
Over time the masks slipped
And they were found to be
Incompatible
While their hearts started to ache
To just let go
And let the person behind the mask
Follow you to places unknown
Shrouded by darkness
Where no one can see
The mask and the person wearing it
For they don't want to break another heart
By letting them see what's inside
For they were both masked
Fearing everything but the night

The way their lips curl back
To reveal sharply angled teeth
Looks less like a smile
And more like a warning
Their words cut worse than anything else
Leaving wounds that could never be filled with tears
Even the smaller wounds sting
When they are remembered later in life
And all of the old thoughts come rushing back
All of your wounds reopened
Just from all of their glass smiles
And sharp teeth
Nothing could be justified
By their improvised lies
Falling perfectly into place
Marking their victims with an unexpected daze

The tears that fall from our eyes
Are starting to turn red
As all of our blood rushes to our head
Burning rage chokes us to death
Until that time when we finally snap
And bring out our own glass smile
Preparing to leave wounds
Just as deep as the ones they left on you
Stab marks left behind on their waxy skin
They were just pretending to have emotions
You know that they were all fake
Their glass smiles making them real
More life like then their marring wounds

A fire lights inside me
At the sight of all these strangers
Who are the people that I know best
Though a time ago
This would have been fun
The fire burns inside of me
Like something I have never felt before
The embers char my skin
Leaving behind
The remnants of my mind
But there is no injury
Worse than the burning
Of my emotions
Leaving the strangers'
Amber glow
In the shadows
Of my own burning emotions

I suppose the meaning of life
Is something beyond
What any of us can understand
That we get lost amidst
The shooting stars
The bright lights
Then the shadows of life
Start to pull us into the night
But the meaning of life
Must be for people like me
And you
When we write poems
That help them to feel

I suppose the meaning of life
Is nothing more
Than get what you give
And love who you love
Live the life that you will always want

The meaning of life
Must be to learn
From mistakes past made
And fix the future
With our heart
The meaning of life
Must be to live it
Just as we are