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i took drowning lessons the other day
turns out,

i'm really good at it.
really good at ******* water into my lungs

and falling asleep
never to get back up

i took drowning lessons the other day
turns out

this feeling
in my chest

that won't go away
and always ******* persists

it what it feels like to drown
burns

a lot really,
more than you'd think

like if they opened your chest,
filled it with alcohol and lit it up

i took drowning lessons the other day,
thought maybe it would wash me clean

i thought
it could wash away the pain.
hey
I love how people express themselves on HP

I agree with the happy on HP
I have empathy for the hurting on HP
I have understanding for the loving on HP
I enjoy reading the complicated on HP
I think about the dysfunctional on HP
I like reading about religion on HP
I get caught up in the short novels on HP
I like chatting with the new on HP

A place to express any thought
any desire, any hurt
without being judged

Only on HP
Molly Eli Dec 2020
Let's just say...
That someday we figured it out
We figured out what it all means
Why we are actually all here
Wouldn't it be a slap in the face
If we just figured out
That we were here for nothing
That all of this struggling
And one-sided love
And hatred
Was for nothing
That we were never supposed to learn anything
Never supposed to figure out who we are
Or help other people that we loved
Wouldn't you be taken aback
That we were here
For nothing at all?
That all those beliefs you had about yourself
And about the world
They were never real
And I know that I'm just rambling
But I don't care
What would you think of it
If we found out we meant nothing at all?
Molly Eli Dec 2020
What is this feeling?
This anxiety about everything
Makes me feel so sick
I can't eat without regretting it
Without wanting to gag
I haven't slept eight collective hours
Within the last three days
I don't know what's happening to me
But I hate it
With all of me
I hate that I can't make it go away
Just by deep breathing and being mindful
That it keeps breaking into my thoughts
I keep trying to blame it on you
But I don't think it is
I think all of the years feelings
All of the ones I pushed aside so I could feel them later
I think they all chose now
To freak out
And make me hurt
And this beast the keeps producing the butterflies in my stomach
It isn't you or me,
It's just all of those things
That I didn't want in my life
Bringing me down
Molly Eli Dec 2020
after last night
when you said you didn't want me
and you toyed with me
and you hurt me
i don't want to talk to you
i kind of want to pretend that it never actually happened
but i can't actually do that
not really
i can't just run back to you and apologize,
say that it's all fine
i did some things too
some things that probably hurt you
somethings that i regret
even if i refuse to apologize for them
i feel bad
but i kind of don't at the same time
you said some pretty freaking hurtful ****
i wish that it wasn't like this

but is it even really like this?
or is it just pity?
is it just you trying to make me feel better?
hoping that I do something better
the bottom line is that I don't believe you
I don't believe any of it
I'm sorry but
am I really?

I don't know anymore
I really have no idea what this is
and I really, really hate it
oof, broken homie over here
Molly Eli Dec 2020
how would you know
how close to my heart these words are
how would you know
that i no longer care
about what is wrong
and what i want
how would you know
that i am no longer a good version of myself
how would you know?
you wouldn't
Molly Eli Dec 2020
if i told you all of the dark things
all of the pathological lies i've told
you wouldn't trust me any more
so when i tell you this
believe me
because it might be the only reliable thing i say
don't trust me
don't listen to me
and never think that the words i'm saying are real
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