you nearly hit me
you know i have a problem with that

of course i flinch and of course you say sorry
then you just move on with recklessness
with no regard to me

you edge closer and closer
to leaving a bruise on my face
but you don't care
as long as i don't flinch
you don't have to apologize, it'll all be fine
in the end,
right?

this big white monster taunts me,
tries to grab my ankles
when i walk past it lying there on the floor

this big white monster holds me
and says it's sorry for scaring me,
that everything will be alright

this big white monster crinkles and folds
after all the words i wrote down
didn't sound right
eraser mark after eraser mark
and i decided i would destroy the monster
who stared at me blankly

who gave this big white monster
the right to be so gentle?
who gave this big white monster a soul?

who told my big white monster
that it was just paper
and a few pencil marks
nothing more?

here i am
attempting to use your favorite pen again
even though i know the ink is gone

i tried finding love, the kind that came from you
even though i knew the well
had long since run dry

i suppose i should've learned my lesson by now
but i also know that it's too late
i'll just run back to see
if maybe the pen has magically
gotten new ink

then back to the well
as if it could be full
even if the pen was completely dry

you know,
i have this pen
that i borrowed from somebody,
i don't even remember who it was,
but i kept it,
i still have it,
because i knew that's the pen that you liked
that exact brand,
the same model,
the same ink,
i couldn't get rid of it,
even after the ink ran out,
i kept this stupid meaningless pen,
the one without purpose,
just like i kept these feelings,
i'll keep holding onto them for you
in case you come back
and you need them
like you'd need your favorite pen

bad weather will stop travel

but another rainy day in my head
and everything keeps going

i'm stuck standing in the middle of everything
like the whole world is moving

and i'm just here

still

where i was before
where i always will be

i wish i hadn't let go of you
when i had the chance to keep you

i wish i didn't love you
when there are so many better people
people who would love me back

i wish it wasn't like this
but i guess it it

it's not even that deep poetic black inside me anymore
it's just murky brown

i've been trudging through a swamp of feelings
none of them good

and now my heart is murkier than the water
i've been walking through for so long

he gave me a cunning fox smile
and i lost it

that desperate art kid who writes poetry in the dark
the little one in the corner, that's me

he was this god.
gorgeous, and funny
chaotic like he was a trickster, and i loved it

and now i'm alone
and hoping to see them again

every single last part of me knows that i never will again
that our already small time together was dwindling
and soon they'd move onto something new

i'm just a little tired
that's all

a tiny bit delusional
nothing else

i wouldn't worry about me
not yet, at least

my hair has started falling out,
and there's one too many canker sores in my mouth
my gums have started to climb back
revealing more and more of a yellow, throbbing tooth
i have dark circles under my eyes,
and my weight is no longer consistent
i'm tired
and can't stop crying
because this isn't just forgetting to shower anymore
this isn't just taking an extra long nap
because you're trying to avoid your problems
this is no longer a seasonal sadness,
i can see it on my face
and in my eyes

i was already half dead long ago
i guess my body just had enough waiting

i've started watching children's movies
because i can't take a big plot anymore
after everything that i've seen,
something more than a kid's plot makes a dull pain in my head

i've made everything light green,
so i don't overload on color
so that my senses aren't assaulted by the barrage of defiance
willing me to speak at it's unsightlyness

i've started shutting down,
going into to default,
because if i keep creating personalities for other people,
i might just explode

i've left everyone alone
because i can't be trusted anymore.

you can ******* try
to hate me more
i don't think that you'll be able to
but you can certainly try
how is that working out for you?
how is hating me,
and talking **** about me
and never saying anything to my face doing?
does it feel good to never have confrontation?
does it feel nice to know that i'll "never find out"?
because i can tell you right now that i will.

so you can try
with all of your might
to destroy me with your words
and i'll just sit here and take it
because sometimes it's hard not to

i don't know what to write
but i haven't run out of ideas
they're just all jumbled in my head,
one huge mess that i need to uncoil
but the wires in my head are too strong
unable to bend to my thoughts to what i need them to be
like i'm trying to build a sculpture
but the clay refuses to be worked with
turns to steel, which turns to rock
which then crumbles to stone

so, i've hit a rut in the road
and now here i am
writing to an audience who doesn't care for me
who don't really bother reading my poems
just to tell them, i don't know what i'm doing.
i hope you're okay with that.

what if i told you one of my teachers
told me that men wouldn't love me
if i didn't stop biting my nails
or that if i kept my hair short,
people would think that i was a boy
and that i should continue to care what they think
over what you like
what you want to do.

now what if i told you i was five when my teacher told me that?
what if i told you i was a child
when i was told i was undesirable to the opposite ***

what if i told you
that today in class
we had an argument about basic human rights
that we were arguing about how people who weren't white
or cis
or straight were less than human
and the people that defended them
the people who said that they were people
were called "the blue hair girls"
and criticized
and told that they were bullying
the teen boys who were being small-minded
simply for trying to explain to them how they're humanity
and how it's okay

what if i told you that i was told i would never make it
that my dreams weren't reachable
and that i should lower my standard
to be accepted
and when i pushed back,
they told me that i was a *****.
i didn't argue,
because i still believe them.

what if i told you that fathers could steal their daughter's virginity
and still be notified that she was getting rid of the baby
that he placed inside of her
that he still got a say in where it went
and if she could actually get an abortion

what if i told you
that people thought it was okay
to be cruel and god awful
and say that it's all because of what the bible says
because jesus said that it was wrong
that people got away with years and generations of sexism
and racism
and homophobia
just because they thought the bible told them that it was wrong.

what if i told you i wanted out of this world
what would you do?
would you even care?
i don't think that you would.
you would move on
thinking that it would be weird
if you tried to offer your help.

what if i told you it wasn't?

but all in all,
you're tricks aren't all that bad
i can still love you
can still find joy in your words
and the way your hands move

i can't help myself
if i'm paid to put up with it...
paid to watch
i'm fine with it
i love it,
in fact.

i wish there were more magic shows like yours
so that when you disappear
i won't have to be alone

sitting here waiting
waiting, waiting still
but you'll never be here will you?
you'll never show up in time,
so i'll be sitting here waiting
wishing for your magical appearance
like a magic show you pay me to watch.
keeping me hooked on your constant entertainment
needing you to be there
but you're not going to show up.
so i'll be sitting here waiting.
see you when i see you, i guess.

we couldn't find the page you were looking for
the one where you made the mistake of asking the internet
if you were ******* normal
haha what a laugh
obviously people don't have thoughts like yours
it's quite clear that people don't have to constantly fight themselves
but hey its me
isn't it?
i'm full of wonders, aren't i?

you get bored and change the subject
find something you find fascinating
and throw it at us
just to spice it up
but i'm done with your self-inflicted plot twists
done with the manipulation
i wasn't done talking
wasn't done telling you how i hurt
but that's fine
lets talk about something different
please
by all means

it calls to me,
coos out my name and a sweet song
sung only by those who know her as a love;
but who needs to know that?
it is but useless information
until you hear the song of the moon
and in it's kindness you weep.
her sweet heart sits on your sleeve
dripping a sweet silver dew
of understanding nights
wishing you were her
if only to be admired by so many
just like you.

it is all for not
until it isn't a worthless effort any more;
breathing underneath her radiance, belong only to that of old gods,
the ones that god abandoned when we didn't feel the need for them anymore.
but the moon,
she stayed
as we loved underneath her glow
her mercury-esque cast shadows.
her sweet blaze falls pleasantly on your smile
and i feel the moon in my heart once again;
think of her kindness to me
in nights of dew-dripped eyes,
and flattering silhouettes.
i think of her now,
looking at you.

i sit on the throne
blood and mercury dripping down my silver crown
made of sharp diamonds and blades
regal dark green dress as i smile down at you
i've lost myself
but honestly, i don't care
the power rush is too much
sweet heart, best you leave before i hurt you

it's cold in my castle all alone
but for once i control something

dark forest and a couple high teens
the world is spinning around us
as we realize we left ours
glitter and stars and constant laughter
let the music that hits just right
play all around us
like i submerged in the liquid of this feeling
let's hold hands
and cry tears of silver
as saturn decides to play the moon
in our epic play of worlds
will you come with me?
join me in darkness darling
let us be children again
let's believe in magic again

the difference between you
and worthless,
is a couple of letters and two shiny eyes.
an 'r' where the 'u' should be
and a beautiful smile.

the difference between the sky
and the end
is a vowel and a couple consonants.
a dark end where a brilliant blue would have been.

the difference
between the moon and the sun
is the heat and the travel.
one gets to close to the sun,
and a certain doom shall occur,
but the moon is traveled,
explored
much like you, and me.

we have seen many people
and many people have seen us
we have been called beautiful
and grand
and had assumptions made behind our back,
but you and I,
we aren't like the sun,
merely a reflection,
the difference between us and them
is a kind smile
and a lack of judgement

and here i am again
running to this website
to cower behind a screen
and try to make people feel like they're actually needed
hoping that for once,
my pathetic existence meant something to someone
that they can read my poem and know that
you're not alone
in feeling like you're unwanted
like you could exit this earth stage left
and no one would care
you're not alone in feeling like a burden
or a phase for someone to grow out of,
someone else has been there.
so here i am
again
cowering behind a screen
thinking to myself
if only i could make a difference
if only i could save a life
if only my words could have so much meaning to someone somewhere
that i might just be part of the reason they didn't die
part of the reason they feel loved
or understood
because the world is a cruel place
people don't play by the rules

and usually someone winds up getting hurt
not you darling
not  today.

all the stars are soaked in tears.
all of the night's darkness covered in concealer
and precariously perched sunglasses.
the moons craters can be healed by some cold water
and carefully applied eyeliner.
but why should we cover what happened?
i mean, it just happened,
it just is.
it's not anything except itself,
right?
there are special tears reserved for the night,
for those particular shadows.
sometimes, it's best that the sun doesn't get jealous
that the moon is the only one who gets to see you like this.
'why love the moon
when it is only a reflection?' the sun asks
'it's like loving a mirror,
it's never going to be real'

oh but the moon knows why you love it
there is no such flattering light
as that which falls on your tears
when you decided to stop brushing them away.

i took drowning lessons the other day
turns out,

i'm really good at it.
really good at ******* water into my lungs

and falling asleep
never to get back up

i took drowning lessons the other day
turns out

this feeling
in my chest

that won't go away
and always ******* persists

it what it feels like to drown
burns

a lot really,
more than you'd think

like if they opened your chest,
filled it with alcohol and lit it up

i took drowning lessons the other day,
thought maybe it would wash me clean

i thought
it could wash away the pain.

Let's just say...
That someday we figured it out
We figured out what it all means
Why we are actually all here
Wouldn't it be a slap in the face
If we just figured out
That we were here for nothing
That all of this struggling
And one-sided love
And hatred
Was for nothing
That we were never supposed to learn anything
Never supposed to figure out who we are
Or help other people that we loved
Wouldn't you be taken aback
That we were here
For nothing at all?
That all those beliefs you had about yourself
And about the world
They were never real
And I know that I'm just rambling
But I don't care
What would you think of it
If we found out we meant nothing at all?

What is this feeling?
This anxiety about everything
Makes me feel so sick
I can't eat without regretting it
Without wanting to gag
I haven't slept eight collective hours
Within the last three days
I don't know what's happening to me
But I hate it
With all of me
I hate that I can't make it go away
Just by deep breathing and being mindful
That it keeps breaking into my thoughts
I keep trying to blame it on you
But I don't think it is
I think all of the years feelings
All of the ones I pushed aside so I could feel them later
I think they all chose now
To freak out
And make me hurt
And this beast the keeps producing the butterflies in my stomach
It isn't you or me,
It's just all of those things
That I didn't want in my life
Bringing me down

after last night
when you said you didn't want me
and you toyed with me
and you hurt me
i don't want to talk to you
i kind of want to pretend that it never actually happened
but i can't actually do that
not really
i can't just run back to you and apologize,
say that it's all fine
i did some things too
some things that probably hurt you
somethings that i regret
even if i refuse to apologize for them
i feel bad
but i kind of don't at the same time
you said some pretty freaking hurtful ****
i wish that it wasn't like this

but is it even really like this?
or is it just pity?
is it just you trying to make me feel better?
hoping that I do something better
the bottom line is that I don't believe you
I don't believe any of it
I'm sorry but
am I really?

I don't know anymore
I really have no idea what this is
and I really, really hate it

how would you know
how close to my heart these words are
how would you know
that i no longer care
about what is wrong
and what i want
how would you know
that i am no longer a good version of myself
how would you know?
you wouldn't

if i told you all of the dark things
all of the pathological lies i've told
you wouldn't trust me any more
so when i tell you this
believe me
because it might be the only reliable thing i say
don't trust me
don't listen to me
and never think that the words i'm saying are real

only in dreams
do i let myself feel happy
only in dreams
do i finally let loose
let my mind venture into depths unexplored
only in my dreams
do i say all of the pretty words
that irrelevant to reality
only in dreams
have i loved you
or at least let myself
because when i love in real life
it hurts

i don't even think that i'm heart broken
i don't think that it hurts that much
i just feel something else inside that isn't okay
that isn't happy or light
it's like an infection running deep
heavily dragging at my heart
like stupidity and hopelessness
i'm trying to dream up a way
to make this hurt less
so far,
not much is working

it's a lonely feeling
here with all of these people
none of them talking to me
none of them noticing me
all i am is nothing
here with all of these people
none watching as the tears fall from my eyes
none of them caring
as i worry away about things that i shouldn't care about
it's lonely here and it hurts
i wish it didn't
otherwise, it's not so bad
all of these people not bothered by me
it's not bad at all

maybe i should write about something they don't know about that much,
write about something that hurts me just the same
write about all of the pain i feel
when they tell me they understand
that someone finally knows about this body ruled by poor decisions and make shift tears
and feeling strange when another person looks at them
that wondering feeling
'will they ever understand me'
and crying when they do
that's what hurts most
is when they say they know how it feels
and they don't care that i feel that way
they still love me just the same
that, right there, is my breaking point

it astonishes me that no one else feels this way
when it's so normal for me
to feel this waterfall of everything all around me
like rain, if there wasn't any air
falling to fast
and all at once
like a sheet of sadness
it makes me happy that no one else feels it
but also a tad crazy
to know that other people do actually cry when they're sad
not just a few drops
when they explode

it kills me when tears never spill
when that burning skin
starts to bother me
starts to feel like i should do something to tame it
it hurts
but i always stop
each time,
slightly more devoid of feeling
or at least the option to show it
maybe i shouldn't say sorry for the absence of feeling
maybe i should find a way to smile
but it's a lot easier to wallow
even if i know i shouldn't

finally
i'm writing on a computer
sharing all of my woes
and tired mind
and everything
with a world of poets that could care less
that could scroll without liking
without even reading it
without leaving a like
because my writing isn't worth another worthless click
on a stupid computer
just another passerby
on this web of lies
that has completely consumed my life

i don't know what i want from you
i don't know if my mind is strong enough to know
i guess i'll always be stuck in that permanent place
somewhere between hurting and feeling loved
something like i want to feel your hands brush my hair from my face
and wanting to cry into your shoulder from all of this pain
all of the confusion
maybe someday i'll understand what it is to feel
all i know right now
is that this feeling,
it isn't anything at all
bur a blur of nothing and somethings
like a painting that i completely messed up
and i hate that feeling so much

coping by not caring
by not eating anymore
taking away the things i need
like sleep and a peaceful mind
now everything around me is like a battlefield
a battlefield mind
and battlefield soul
and everything else is nothing
my aching stomach, just a side effect
my never-ending headache
well, it's always been there

soooo...
as much fun as it is
to break myself over and over again
I'll get extra critical
of the boy I want
making him no longer desirable
just about as much so as I am to him
soon I won't notice him
and I'll be able to ignore the texts
I'll make him so unworthy of everything that is me
and my chaotic being
sorry
I don't mean to
this is just my mind doing a poor job protecting me

what she must think of me
and my incessant texting
all of that stupid talking of a boy we both know loves only her
we talk about how there might be a chance
with me and him
but i think that he is so completely lovesick
he'll never have eyes for another girl
especially not one this dismal
with little lines rubbed raw on my ribcage
from trying to break these infernal chains
and heartbeats that are so weak
let's not forget about that loud mouth that never gets me anywhere but trouble
so maybe it's foolish to say this
and post it publicly
but oh well
we both know he'll never love me

how is it possible for me
to miss the way it used to be
when there was never actually anything between you and me
never anything real at least
there were looks back and forth
and blank stares on my side of things
but i found those eyes of yours like a pool,
one that wanted to drown me
to take me into their lugubrious depths
dismal dismay of the broken ones
was my newest fate
so tell me
how is it possible for me
to miss the way it used to be
when it's the same?
when i'm still drowning
and you still don't care
and i'm still in an oddly chaotic place

maybe i shouldn't break myself over a boy again
maybe i shouldn't weep over the loss of something i never actually had
maybe this guy is bad for me
and he'll break me in half,
but at this point i could care less
all i know is that this is what i'm feeling
and what i'm feeling hurts so much
like sticking your heart in burning water
and hoping that it will still keep you alive
it might be cynical,
but to me,
it's the only feeling that seems right

Meaningless
It's a word I seem to use a lot
When thinking about my life
And all of the words that I have yet to write
Everything that I've said
Meaningless
All of the looks I get
And all of their smilings starting to fade
Maybe I am no longer the kind person
That I once thought I was
The person that I might have been
I don't help people anymore
Instead, I am just toxic
Leaching people out because
Isn't it all meaningless?

Perhaps if the world stopped turning round
I wouldn't be wondering so hopelessly
Into the forsaken dirt of the ground
If you stopped hurting me so endlessly
But maybe it is just my twisted mind
The blanket covering me in the dark
When through the misery there is a rhyme
Of deep-rooted poetry that is art
And more through the misery, there is you
Fiding me in my poisonous palace
Maybe you shouldn't have wished me anew
And in this irony, I shall no bask
When you come to tell me what you've meant
Because all you ever were was hell sent

I can understand
That it might be strange
To write of green eyes and their depth
When really I know nothing of it
I was lost in golden eyes
And pretty smiles
Admiring your face when you didn't notice
I never really saw, did I?
Kind of ironic

maybe there's something wrong
with the way i miss you
by the feelings in my heart
and maybe there's something wrong with the way
i feel nothing
when i should feel so much
when i feel something other than this nothingness
that lurks like a monster in my chest
this out-of-place feeling
that haunts me in my head
hopefully
it doesn't keep going on like this

you know that i can't miss the way it was
because we never were
nothing can be used in that way
that grouping "we"
i could never say that about you
all i was to you
was nothingness
a friend you needed to comfort
when all the words didn't get to her head
i obviously couldn't say the same about you
you were so much more to me than you could ever think
all of the words you said
all the warmth i felt in your skin
resonated in my head for weeks
there was no "us"
but i keep talking about it as if there was

I've been dead for a while now
my body holding the crumpled black tar
leaking from my heart
my mind hides secrets
I never wanted to keep
never even wanted to hear in the first place
all of the lies people told
and others thought they were all true
maybe they're what killed me
the ache in my head
that can hurt me far too much
is a constant cacophony
someone is relentlessly playing
on a rusted trumpet of the apocalypse
I hope you know how much you hurt me
when you walked out that door
I hope it hurts you
to not even look back

I looked into those green eyes
and found warmth there
the potential that you might just care about me
as I cared for you
a looked into those green eyes
and found that they didn't flinch away
when they met these dull rocks in my skull
I looked into those green eyes
and hoped beyond hope
that they held the same emotion mine did
that same feeling
I felt for you
when you first met me