We went from friends.
To friends with benefits.
To just benefits.
If I could only have one of the two,  I would pick being your friend a hundred times over.
It's where we began, and what we built everything on.

I wish you were my friend again.
I miss you.

I'm in love with you.
That's what she told him every night.
But she was so ******* blind.
Blinded by love, and blinded by a boy.

You can live up to three weeks without food, and a week without water, but without oxygen you can't make it past 5 minuets.
So, to show her devotion, to prove how true her love was, she made him her oxygen.
Every pulse of her heart she tied to him.
She didn't breath unless he said it was ok.
She only lived and fully experienced moments when she was with him.

Now, one might think, if he was her oxygen, what was she to him?
He liked to pretend she was his oxygen too.
But only when he wasn't busy, or he was bored.  
He filled her head with hope for the future, and a life just for the two of them.  He craved any and all attention, so he played along.
But at some point, he got tired of her.
Tired of her dependance.  Tired of a little puppy dog trailing along.
So he called her up.
He tried to be decent, he tried to be nice, but with a short call he ended it.
He ended her.

Imagine all the air being ****** out of room.
Imagine being held underwater, your lungs are screaming for air, but you won't get any.  
You slowly start to lose consciousness.
It gets black and fuzzy.
And you drift into a deep, lonely sleep.
That's how she felt.

Without her oxygen,  she was dying.
While he was sitting at home watching tv.

I get why my mom says she hates my father, but she still keeps him around. I want to call it love, but it’s not love... It’s fear. Fear of losing people, and the enormous fear of being all alone. It’s terrifying how willing people are to put up with people who treat them like ****. When you're scared, it's easy to believe it's the last time they'll cheat, even though you've said that the last three times.  It's easy to pretend it never happened, even when you've seen the proof.  You want to believe you aren't just one of many.   You want to believe you're special.  You want to believe it's love.
****,
I want to believe it's love.
But, it’s not.
People say love is strong, but I think fear is a little stronger.

I admire those girls who have their guys "whipped."
Those girls who expect nothing less than the best, and always get it what they want.
Personally, I feel like guys only like me because I'm easy to please.
I don't require fancy dates, expensive things, I don't make guys pay for my food, I offer to drive.
I'm easy.
It's not like I don't want a nice date, flowers, and something a little more romantic than the back of your mom's car.
I accept what I get, and don't ask for more, because I don't think I deserve it.

Quoted from one of my favorite movies  Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower  “We accept the love we think we deserve.”

Sometimes I wondering if you were the right person for me, but our timing just ******.
When you loved me, I loved someone else.
And now I love you, and you don't feel the same.  
I figured it all out too late.
I'll always wonder if you were Mr. Right.
Always wonder, but never know.
****.

Your time is precious.
Know that, value it, and only give it to those who deserve it.

It's those little specks of hope, that make me stay. The 1 text where you say, "I matter" to you, followed up by the 100 that say I don't.  It's the little kiss on my shoulder after you **** me up so badly, I can hardly stand. You know I'm addicted. When I'm yours, you don't care, but when I try to leave you grab my hand and coax me to stay.
Please help me. I'm addicted to the glimmer.

"Babe, you were my last thought in 2014, and now you're my first thought in 2015...
I love you."

That's what I texted you last year, at midnight, on New Years Eve.
You replied with, "Aw, thanks."

It's December 28th, 2015, and I haven't gone a day this year without you on my mind.
I don't think anyone understands what I feel towards you, you especially don't.

I feel like at one point you might have loved me.  Now I feel like you tolerate me, but even that can only last for so long.

I've spent a year loving someone who didn't love me back.  I've spent a year trying to make things work, with someone who never cared to try.  I don't think it was the healthiest year for me.  But the thing is, I can't blame anyone for it. It's been my choice, and it always has been.  I choose to make this year about you, I choose to put you first, I keep picking you.

Will 2016 be another year of you?  I guess it's my choice, let's see what I pick.

I felt so much for you, and it's clear you felt so little for me. Emotionally, you make me feel like ****.

It was the perfect ending. We were like one of those classic 80s movies. I rolled down my window, and yelled " I love you," and you responded with, "I love you too." Then I waved, and you said, "see you soon." I smiled, and drove away.

You can click with people who are different from you. 
You can click with anyone you want, you just have to make the effort.  Sometimes, talking to someone who has nothing in common with you, is much more interesting then talking to someone who has a mirroring life. If you're only friends with people who are just like you, you won't learn anything new.  My friends and I are all pretty different, and I'm grateful for each original thing they've added to my life.

You don't miss someone at 2 in the morning, you're all alone.
You could miss anyone when you're by yourself.
You miss someone when it's 2pm, and you're surrounded by other people, but you just want that one person.
You miss someone when you're busy at your job, but you still find yourself reminiscing.
You miss someone when you're working-out, going for a run, and they're still in your head with every step.
It's easy to miss people when you have the time, when you're lonely.
But, the people who truly mean the most, the ones you really miss, are the ones you think about when you don't have the time to.
2pm people.  
The ones that occupy your thoughts no matter what.

I'm a reminiscer.
I love to think back to when I was 10, and I always got A's in school.
Or when I was 13, and a lot of guys like me.
Or when I was 14, and my parents weren't divorced.
But, no matter how much I reminisce, I can't bring those good times back.

Your past has value, but you just have to focus on what's good now.

At first, there were bubbles,
which turned into butterflies,
and then the butterflies grew into fireworks,
and everything was perfect.
Evntually though, the fireworks lost their spark and there was only fire.
The flames popped all the bubbles, killed the butterflies, and left my heart chard, and black.
And just like something burnt, I no longer feel anything anymore.

Sad little boys.
You reek of desperation.
It felt great to say no.
No, I won't come closer.
No, I won't do it again.
No, I won't kiss you.
No, I will do what I want.
And trust me...
I do not want to do you.

Friendship doesn't come with a remote.
You can't just put people on pause, and come back to them later when it's more convenient for you.
If you do that, your friend probably won't be there when you try to press play.

Happy ex-friend anniversary? That's terrible, and it shouldn't be a thing, but it is with us.  I'm sorry for being a ****** best friend. I'm sorry for not thinking about you and leading with my heart instead of my brain.  I tried to fix evything, but at some point it was too late. I miss you. I miss our conversations. I swear if you put us together we could talk for hours. I miss your laugh and your little slogans like "that's terrible," "he's got a sweet soul" "little punk." I miss watching the sunrise with you on my roof, and freezing our butts off on the dock behind your house when we'd go out to stargaze. We've gone one full turn around the sun without being friends. Time has passed, wounds have healed over, new friendships have been formed and things have changed. There's only one thing I hope for you now, and it's that you've found a way to forgive your resentment towards me. And that's not for me, I know we can't be friends again, but I want that for you. I know exactly what it's like to hate someone. Even the thought of them can put you in a bad mood, and seeing them can ruin your week. It's a terrible way to feel.  Hating someone gives them so much power over you, a power they don't deserve.  Not forgiving someone hurts you the most, so I hope that you've forgiven me. I know for a fact that there's no room in your heart for hate.   One of my favorite quotes from Tumblr is "Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace."  I hope you have found peace.

One time, I asked you why you do things with me.  
You told me it was because you ******* loved it.
You didn't say me, you said "it."
You only see me for what I can do, and not for who I am.
That makes me sad.
And by sad, I mean sad for you.
I'm not just a sum of my ****** abilities.
I'm worth so much more than what you've defined me as.
Maybe you will only ever like the "it" about me.
But I will love all of me.

Even if they hand you the scissors.  Even if everyone tells you, "you should."
You can't truly severe the ties, unless you make the choice that you want to.







And the thing is,
I don't want to.

Some people use the sentence, “I love you,” in such a careless manner.  They toss it around to everyone, and say it so often, they make the sentence meaningless.  To love someone, I think you have to know them, and know them well.  You should, at the very least, know their favorite color, and middle name.  I think everyone deserves love, but not everyone deserves your love. Don’t just throw "love" around, and take away its worth.

Heartbreak gives you a lot of inspiration.
Some of the best poems, songs, and books have come from a writer being heartbroken.
But, no matter how good it is for writing..
I'm sure the writers wish they were writing about being in love, instead of how they fell out of it.
Even if that means no one might read it.

I want you to be happy, but is it wrong for me to wish that you were only 90% happy and not 100%? Maybe it's selfish, but I still want a part of you to be a little sad that I'm not yours. You missed out on me and all the great things we could have been. I really hope you're happy, just not comeplty.. sorry if that's selfish.

The feelings have slowly evaporated.

There's been this one question that I've always wanted to ask you:

"Why am I not enough?"

There's always someone you pick over me.  Your sister, your friends, her.
And, even when there isn't anyone else, you still don't pick me.  Never first choice, or second, or third....

There must be something wrong with me, mentally, physically, emotionally, personally, because I'm not enough, and I was never picked by you.

I used to think I was over you. Time had passed, you weren't on my mind all the time like before. I thought I had moved on, and I was proud of myself. But then I saw pictures of you with other girls and found out you had a girlfriend and the hurt started all over again. I felt that familiar pain in the pit of my stomach. The jealousy, anger and sadness all mixed together in a terrible stomach ache. It really ****** me up because I genuinely though I was over you. I mean time heals everything right? That's what I thought, but then I heard this talk on YouTube by an incredible girl that goes to schools to preach about Jesus. She said that "Time doesn't heal, Jesus does." And it hit me like a wave, I hadn't spent a second of my time praying to God about my problems, I didn't pray for a forgiving heart, or try to love my neighbor like I should have. So I decided that day to let Jesus heal me. I cast all my worries and pain to the side and asked Him to help me through the heartbreak. Let me tell you, Jesus is better then ice cream, alcohol, exercising, rebound guys, or any other way I usually try to attempt to recover from a heartbreak. Jesus heals. He takes your heart and He fills it. He fixes your brokenness, and pick you up when you're a mess of tears on the floor and tells you it will be ok. It was a long road to heal completely, but so worth the journey.  I learned that Jesus is the best medicine, the only cure, and the best remedy. No matter how broken, lost and discouraged you are, He will heal you.

Where are you most comfortable?



My comfort zone is at my house, in my bed. It's a place that I've known for the past 10 years. It's where I've had countless sleepovers, and movie nights and late night chats with my friends.  In 3 months I'm leaving my comfort zone, and I'm moving to a new place. I'm excited and nervous.  Excited because something new is fun.  Nervous because my whole life is a comfort zone.  I've lived in the same place practically my whole life. I've had a crush on the same one guy my whole life. My main friends are people I've known since I was 4.  My whole life has been basically the same for a long as I can remember, and I love it like that.  I love my zone, and I don't know if I'll be ready to leave it all behind in T- 3 months.

I can't believe I've missed you, but I definitely have.  Peculiar how sometimes we long for things that have burned us before, because we just want to feel a sense of something again.

You told me to give you respect because you're older than me.
You've also told me to forget your age, it's just a number, it doesn't really matter.
It especially doesn't matter when you're ******* me.
It doesn't matter when you're asking me to send you nudes.
It doesn't matter when you're taking off my clothes.

You speak to me like I'm a silly little kid, and yet, you yell at me when I question why you do things with younger girls.

You command me like a father, yell at me like a mother, look at me like I'm a child, and only recognize my maturity when you absolutely have to.
*******.

She deserves the truth.
She deserves the truth from you more importantly.

I think about you moaning alot.  
For a while, it was my prize, and motivation for everything.  I would do anything to hear those little gasps, to feel the quiver of your body.  I did it because I wanted you to know how much I cared about you.

I did it because I thought, it would make you love me more.  You would fall in love with how good I made you feel, and me along with it.

Sometimes we hurt the ones that love us most because we know they will alway care.
Other times we are horrid to the ones who love us most because we hate them.

You’ve told me that i’m your best friend.

You’ve told me that you’re in love with me.

You’ve told me i’m the only thing that makes you happy.

You’ve also told me that you don't need me.

You’ve told me to go away.

You’ve told me to never talk to you again.

You’ve told me that I stress you out.

You’ve told me I make you feel lonely.

You’ve told me you don’t care about me.

You’ve told me you’d **** me.

But, you’ve also said you don’t give a **** about me, and that you never did.

I can't believe one thing you've said, without believing the rest.

I want to ******* to your favorite song, so every time you hear it you think of me.

You can be nice, or you can be honest. I’d like to believe that I will always prefer honesty, but on some days, nice is the only thing I can handle.

We kissed like we were dying.
We kissed like it was the last moment on earth.
We kissed like I was sending you off to war, and this was it.

All friendships have an expiration date.
High school graduation, last day of work, moving, forgetting, simply being too busy, death.

Hearing your mom cry is the worst thing in the world. My mom cried for a year straight. At least, that’s what it felt like. She would try to hide it from me. Lock herself in the bathroom, and turn the shower on. She would come out with dry eyes, and a smile on her face. Coincidentally, the way she hid her tears was the same way I did. Sometimes we would both be in the bathroom, her in the upstairs bathroom, and me in the downstairs one. In a way we were doing it together, and it was comforting.

If you have nothing to give, give yourself.

I’ve had quite a few.  
Most spent kissing, and *******, rather than actually looking at the stars.
I almost expected the same from you. I was waiting for the cheesy pick up line, the attempt to get me back in the car. But, you didn't do that.  We didn’t kiss, or have ***, or do anything of that sort. Instead we talked, and just sat next to each other. It was lovely, and passionate, and all you did was be my friend.