I love me
Then I   love  me not
One second I am thriving,
The next I an stirring the ***
Once again

Somewhat sensitive
I'll never know peace
No! **** that!
Don't be, just a subject
Of your conditioning

I'm here
To treat you
With decency
And teach you

How to see right through the *******

You can do your best to stay away
Shameful in an insane amount of ways
Play the role although,
I wanna break....
The rules, your paintings, your face
Without paper the pen tends to dries out
And so it always goes
The poet starts to doubt herself
Like
Never
Before
What I adore's
Is what I deem important

I can't handle
This web
You've got me tangled
Up in

Still feel
As if
My stomach's
getting pumped  

Oh, I wish you could win my
Fuggin' trust back
But  its  tragic
You say
You. dont. want. to
Win it back
Quit getting upset
Because I don't see that happening


You claim I come up
Assumptions
Come to find out
Your secrets are
gut wrenching

So I'd rather not unpack here
Or uncover anymore,
She can clean out
Your closet next time

I can take a hint
............

I'm trying to take the hint
.......

But it's like I've  just been body slammed

She is such a.....

**** for black pepper
with her amateur
Symbolic ***** ****
...............
I bought it

Watch as they bounce me
Across the
Family's hot topic list
I live for big business

Now inching  
toward industry
with such relief
Let's keep
Moving
Jeeeeeeezzzz

What the hell
Is any of us even
doing here?


How weird
I can hear
some kinda cheering
From the atmosphere

Or is it an orchestra?!

I love it even  more
Than the day before
.....

just for the allure
Okay, say when..
The Gods like to
pepper in
a bit of horror
to make a story

More interesting..

Waiting to combust
With the rowdiest
Sons a *******
So Solipsistic

How are all of you
Steering this ship
From a sole conscious
What does the abyss say?

Honestly I am fed up
With their kind!

Always
Trying to rewrite
The psalms of witches
All I got's my word
So that's all you'll be given

What?!
You gonna burn me?
Go 'head
Unburden me
Of these "impurities"


Energy's eternal
Watch as it's transfered
From my fingers
Back into the earth

The final embers were flickering
For what felt like forever

Sizzle
       Crackle
              Pop

They'll never learn from this

Here it is,
The moment
Where you know
That your soul-mate
............................
Is absolutely full
Of it


Daily routine disappointment
You refuse to see the point
And your sick of me saying
That These crazy,
"captain save a **" ways are
impeding our dreams


How the **** cant you see
past it?
You got life on fast-forward
Ignore anything important
Where you at young warrior?


I need you to reach the door,
Along with
fauna and flora
"Alohomora"

Sweat attack
I'm Solo Dolo
On re-lax mode
Who's asking?
Lack of plastic evidence
Let that hot modern medicine
Do the rest
No where to go
No hope in tact
Blabbing til I couldn't
hardly  move my mouth
If it was allowed
I'm sure
That this tongue could
Move mountains

Channel 2

Nightly News

Who even knows anymore?


The clink of dishes


Disarray


Discussions a-bout dynamite


Likely to tear my hair out


It's fair to say I'd scare


my younger self


Wouldn't recognize,


or even know how to reply


to the sight of things


Paranoia creepin' in


Might have to do with,


all that research I been readin'


Either tricks are being played


Or something is amiss
in the way you treat me...

So you finally
Got the guts
To migrate...

To give a guy
A chance
When you know it
Ends the same..
As the song before

Told you to knock
Down these walls
And build a door
Instead ya didn't
do a **** thing

But diss
And disappointment me
Did I expect
It to explode

With all your
Odes and empty promises
Love bombing
Cuz you wanted me

Now it's
"Our views are just too different"
You're "confused" and your too distant
To the point where I'm


Sitting,
Waiting,
Wishing



On You
Yet again

Static tension
Deprivation
Drain the senses
Self sedation

There's no pride
In losing patience
Only
Petty.
Revelation.

But if petty revelation
Comes to
Claim my head
I'll be elated

The whole things
Too constricting
To even paint it
Paint it
Paint it out

Right above these storm clouds
And if the chips fall
Let em fall
Where they may...

Sick of the land
I was placed in
Coddled with knee socks
I breathe when I feel lost

If I'm being honest
I can't even concentrate

Just gonna conk out
My last thoughts
Are on some

Wanna be
Sarcastic
God-complex
****

My lack of
Currency
Makes me worthless

In the worst way

Makes me
dispensable
   Disposable

Low and behold
I never thought
I'd dig myself

This deep
A hole

Oh No!!!

How
can
something
smell
so
sweet
yet
taste
so
bitter?

Oh Happy Day
What a very Happy  day
Now, how many laps do I have to take
And how many acts could I actually save
til I one day savor it
Here, take your HATE you can cradle it
Ive been an angel of patience
still stuck in prayer
Theyll say
she is so much safer
without the danger there
waiting to break
her
Pain is simply in her nature

I guess I should thank you
For the solitude
I definitely do
Deserve some me time

Closure
Is an illusion
Science shows us
Life is constantly
In flux

Cant keep waiting
On a certain moment, event,
Or epiphany
To button up our suffering
In a neat little package

We've hung on to this hope of
AFTER
Only "AFTER" is when I'll be healed
Enduring days won't be devastating
And suddenly I'll be this beacon
Of strength, I'll be able to endure anything

In truth,
Grief's a heartache
That never really goes away
The brain starts to play
With what's "fact"and whats "fake"

If this is the way
Then where am I going?

Eyelids
like cinder blocks
The constant want
Never been so ex-haust-ed

Jaws
Stay clenched
Careful what you wish
Could you be a bit more present?

Nails
beyond bitten
become
scratches, scrapes, and sores
inflicted
I get a rush of destruction
Everytime I dig them

But now that theres a
Purpose,
A point,
A *** to ****,
I can't slink back into the upset
After meeting contentment
..even flashes of happiness

Found love with someone who is  just as ****** up
But worth the struggle
It takes to save them

Let it stream
Be believable
be-come a beacon  an
What am I butta heathen

So to me **** talk is a cakewalk
I'll chalk it  always
Straight up Block it outta memry
Non-stop
Vestiges

I Never been so
Non- chalant
Null in void
So numb to it


But sometimes heaven hits

... And after a billion epiphanies
A weakened soul
Can be made redeemable
All on my own now

What is quality of life
Without substance ?

Why break your chains
And flee your cage
To keep on rotting beside
Monsters of a different kind

They're scraping out
What soft parts
I've got left

And I'm aware
My sense is leaving me
Feel it pulling away
Like a string
tangled up in both ribs

Why be that courageous
By taking that step
Just to rescind back into hiding

I built up barracks,
Turned off tears,
And carried my armor
On my hip
every second
Of every day

I won't even attempt
To listen
To my own advice

If you were to ask me
How I think one should act
I'd preach how vital
It is to be raw
and vulnerable
Because it is beautiful thing

I admit it
I'm a cliche'
Who uses complacency as a shield
Instead of becoming the hero
She wants to be
The one who
gos all in,  
no protection,
no hesitation,
But all passion,
And all chest

I know that my power
Is most likely stuck
Under a pile
Of child-like
character defects


I think I'm finally ready

To dig through my mess

Keep on

Searching the Earth

For assets

I could use

To better my human

Do not forget,
That you should
Always be watching
for the knowledge
That unlocks
life's secrets

Remember that time
I escaped an inferno?
Covered in blisters and burns
...It was unnerving
Eternal pain

That day I learned
Each seconds is pertinent
If I comply like a blind sheep
I'll miss the miracle
Happen that's in front of me


Im refusing
To be
A cog
That wants
To be caught
In the machine

Therapeutically nuking
What used to be
Can a noose really have beauty
Who is me
Quit picking and poking
At the details
The mirror shows
Where ive failed
And held myself
Lower than anyone else

Part 2
_
But as usual
The topic got lost again
I've got a habit
Of losing focus
What a wonderful daydream
We deemed worthy of unearthing
Can two cut up corners
Endure morbidness
And ignore the torture together


A few feet from the closet
Awful Monsters
began to plot  
Sabotage and dishonesty
Launching black bombs

Plus hexes and next level testaments plus test after test after tests after tests

Sure yeah monitor this ****** mess
YOU ALONE made
Take from yo teammates
Next lead an army of hardly alarming fickle ***** to fight
For you
Loyalty aint what you do


What a shame
A bully came in
and basically begged me to beat
Her repeatedly
Not only poking my ego
But
Weakening the way I see myself
Way to ******* go!
wait how did she steal the whole show from under us
Playing puppet master
To cover the lack of self control
Hard to mold an identity  
When you born with no soul

  Part3
___
Now she dictating
This entire ship
Turning partners against
Each other
With a curve of her serpent
Tongue
And makes sure to hiss curses
Wicked whispers that
will worm in
the cracks
Of every door that slams
Behind her
Just another reminder
That its never a matter of manners
It's always these double standards
"Do as I want not as I flaunt"



Meaning she might as well
Own the planet
As long as there no one to answer to
And Nothing standing in the way
"Only the unloved hate"

To Think or to feel
To Hate or to heal
To Share or to steal
To Love or to fear


Fill in the blank
We   too much
and_ too little

Man you's a
Manic nerd
Making spoken word
Mad libs based off Charlie Chaplin speeches
Maybe she's mad at the fact
I got my eyes on my own work
   And that personality comes  natural to me
That irks some people ???

I suppose, bc everything comes easy
besides the easiest things
Which we continue to feign
for
This void we keep feeding
With fake ****
It cannot be taken
Qor be caged, obtained by paper,
or by glistening gold stones  or trophies or credit nor connections you cannot teach it or trade it

Part 4
_
maybe you were right man
Can't believe I  Spent so long asking why would they
Take my crumbs after I've JUST BEEN MUGGED
Or jump me
already injured
unprovoked
So apparently broken
What they don't know
Is how Many minutes I spent
Tearing up in envy
Over what everyone else got
Hopin' I could get a taste
Of the same
Kind of amazement

When all I should ever be is grateful
In these minutes that remain I will
Make full
all my
empty achings
That waste
Time trying to take me down

Too much light inside
For dark dealings
To penetrate my forcefeilds
The healer can never be killed
These shields were
Built too  Too tough
By my guides
To let any evil seep through

Facets of a false positive
All we can do is keep it honest
Lost
And
Locked away
At the same time
When to be mighty
And when to hide
Guess it depends
On the timing

I pay my ***** 4 quartas
To sit in the corner
And make sure
I'm safe while I rage
In a game with torture
And gore
No need to be afraid
Of horror anymore
My ****** got my back
And a pocket full of quarters

Camryn Johnson

Jun 10, 2019.

"And this page

is just debris

of an emotion I felt for a split second

The gravity hangs heavy

In me

more frequent than before

I swear these organs will sink to the floor soon

My old soul

can't compete

with a heart that beats a million miles a minute

Does it make one naïve

To expect something decent

Maybe just leave it

To the birds

Is there no hope left

in this hopeless excuse for a being Will I ever shake this pessimist skin?"

Excerpt from "Coping Machines

Written: 2011

Who is the royal and who is the ***,
we're all family when the earth falls
**** hugging ****,
on a ***** rug..
waiting for a red-tailed rock
to tear open
big blue.

A bad sound
A vacuum humming;
Early morning

A bad sound
The unknown scraping
In the basement
....tires pulling up tp the pavement

A bad sound
The fury that trembles
In moments
While I waste them

A bad sound
blades snipping at the grass;
Surmounted Serene

A bad sound
The screech these marks made
When I was fourteen!
The worst sound

A chilling apprehension
Which floods to no ears
And only I hear
It Eventually becomes background noise
Throats clearing on the audience

..voices that pester and won't allow sleep.

Safe to un-say
my slip o'the tongue
Embarrassments
Arent at all unexpected  
Pleased to meet you
Time would say I am one
Interesting Investment
Although I stay letting others
Underestimate
Me
And My strengths
to take my power away
But I continue to make it
Til my days are up

Fill in the blank
We _too much
and _too little

"Don't worry
IT'LL be quick"
Man, you's a
Manic nerd
Rambling some spoken word
Mad libs based off
Charlie Chaplin / Speeches

Maybe she's mad at the fact
I got my eyes on my own work,
   And that personality
comes natural to me
I guess
That irks some people ???

I suppose, because
everything comes easy
besides the easiest things
...........
Which we continue to
feign for
(Meaning that being in the world
Now seemed more like a chore)
Deep down
I'm really
Ready to enjoy this
These extra pages
In my story

I NO longer create
Alternate endings
When I'm slipping

This void
we keep feeding
With fake sh**t
It can't be taken,
Or obtained
Can't be caged,
or traded for
Glistening gold stones
trophies,
  hoes
Or a home
Alternate endings

Wanna love every minute
They can give me,

But most of the time
I can't give 'em that

I miss
Laying in that
Queensized nest
with you
Wishing this off day
Would never end
We blacked out our curtains
Put on cartoons
And slept
Like sweet little babies

Until life almost had to
Rip me away from
Your warmth
The reason I woke up
Was for those days
The reason I broke my back,
And felt bad I didn't
Have more  To give,
Was for those minutes,
That I cherished
more than
GD anything
Still feeling my head in
Your hands
So familiar,  so specific
I apoligize ..
for dropping the ball ..
..All those years ago

These nervendings
Stopped working again
Embellishings'
A hell of a crime
I'm not quite sure
But I'm determined
To learn from him
From any "HIM"
Mix a batch of medicine
Make certain it's poisonous
... A potion to open  you up

A potion
to make you devoted
But,  I know it don't
work that way
Yes, I've said
Magic is REAL

As any ideal
Forget what you know!
Throw it out
With the bitter wind
Oh I needa a plan
Needa plan
For today
No sense in really
Planning anything

I'm spent
So I
Sit and
Slander the page ...
Make .
It.
My.
*****.
Either I'm with you
OR I'm questioning if
This is who
You really are

Stay smart
Let's just part
Ways early
Separatism
Accept that this prism
Isl all  in
How you envision it
Different colored ribbons
I reminisce
Made space
In my memory bank
For these certain thangs

Stumbling Backward
Won't retrack
her footprints
burrowed I  the dirt
Soles won't turn red
At the time,
I liked to hide my embarrassment
Clinging to the edges
The best I could physically do


Stomach Bubbles
The tension inconsistent
Rummaging around in my
Squishy equipment
What does that mean  . ???
Well let's get intruiged
About it!!!
Whoop Whoop
Shoo now we talking


My feet scuffing the wreckage
Like brushstrokes
Dabbing watercolor mothers
To provide peace for
An orphans anguish
Help me
prevent the brain-slip
PrettyPlease

I refuse to be the patient  (AGAIN)
To be a victim
Or another vagrant
Wishing and a Waiting
My little life away
A villain or a crit-i-cal
Mistake
A Feeling
From the clinically insane
Another Innocent pedestrian
Locked in a cage

Disaster piece
I'm always wondering
Why
You're mad at me
Had to ask!
To find out if
It's actually me
What are the facts of it
I always set them off
Maybe it's another lesson
I will never learn
Yeah, *****
You bet,
I'm better burnt
Unearthing the
Echoes
Encased
Inside
Her person
Voices boxes
No longer
Stepped on,
The shackled
Set free

OPT
To
Always
Be tossed aside

You won't get a rise
If it ain't the
Right guy

Time to get "NOT NICE"
WHY do you always
Add insult
To injury
Weird innit?!?
How you can
Feel so different
Within Minutes...
Potential Nemesis

Neva got your name...
Neva got time
To explain, it
Neva gonna give/ up
Neva gonna
sign my name
I am
NOT IT
And IT ain't either

These are messages
You can glean from
Cuz you know
By now
I'm
Sicka Da Rerun

The craving had been
More of a need
As of late

Energy taken
Energy generated
Or one could also say
One cultivated
One gave away
Every little thought
That you think

Isolated
from the rest of you
With steel walls
And the tallest gates
Barricade myself
In a little
Me sized
Cave

Wouldn't be surprised
If I never
            Even
                Came Out!

Groans that grace and *****
My throat
Grasp it til I'm gasping
Gag and gargle slow motion
Yo, don't panic
It's just another one of those moments
Where **** got out of hand
Way too fast
Oh, don't worry
Rage no longer has control
You know   I'd never hurt you
Right??!?!

Let it flow
Show No Love
OR
Show it always
Calling to Allah?

Got goosebumps from
Holding old tools
To fill the hole
To feel whole
Flipping scrolls

Your totally
******* up my focus
Floating so low
I let some select few
Get too close
So it goes

Shouldn't have told myself
It was okay to
Go all in
No specific goal in mind
I'm minding my own work ..

Please keep your
Peepers on your own paper
Place her
Half
an inch
A- way
from danger

That way
You can
Say you
Saved her...

Never to make her day
Never to take her out
Ya need to
Be Beaten
To see It
First hand

Time and
time
and time again
You watch a curse
Consume
Those you are
Devoted to
In fact it's long overdue

Invisible
is it too late?
To find my way
In this terrible fugue state?

Meatballs
And close calls
He can never seem
To quit cleaning..

Master of the matrix
May just be maintaining
I'd hate to malfunction

Once I understand
how it all works
It's my fault....

And now your hurt

Eventually convinced
I might be cursed
Because I can't
Hear the call..
No longer

Probably be hobblin'
Over
higher
hurdles
soon
And surviving rougher seas
Than I have ever seen

But,
Nobody can wage
A War like me

Sooo

Bring it!

What a wonderful daydream
We deemed worthy of unearthing
Well certainly
Two cut up corners
Can Endure morbidness
And ignore
the torture together??

As Burning birds of a feather

A few feet from the closet
Awful Monsters
began to plot  
Slinging
Sabotage and dishonesty
Launching black bombs

Your oxygen is so toxic
Let that nonsense
Drip
From
Your
Lips
Like
Hot
Spit

Quit with the rhyme schemes
I got caught slobberin'
On myself again
Just as guilty as the rest

Light years away..

I'm tracing

State lines

On an old roadmap

Time and distance

Shrunk down to scale

Miniatures make my dreams

More believable;

Spirit always fluttering

Like a hummingbird

Underneath my ribcage

Much like a bird

I'd like to one day learn

I'm not stuck in this rut for eternity

My great migration, still waiting

Compass in my dome piece

Magnets to map my pathway

Am I even able move away?

Maybe you were right man
Can't believe I  Spent so long
asking why would anyone
Take my crumbs after
I've JUST BEEN MUGGED!!!!!
Or jump me
While injured
unprovoked
So apparently broken...


What they don't know
Is how Many minutes I spent
Tearing up in envy
Over what everyone else got
Hopin' I could get a taste
Of the same
Kind of amazement

When all I should ever be is grateful
In these minutes that remain
I promise  I will
Make full
all my
empty achings
That waste
Time trying to take me
down

Too much light inside
For dark dealings
To penetrate my forcefeilds
The healer will never be killed
These shields were
Built too  Too tough
By my guides
To let any more evil
seep in

Don't want to be
Eager to meet my maker
But I'd trade places
With you any day...

Where have you been?
I'm always craving
Your response
Stop it
You stay
Stomping on
The friendship I want
For us
Why can't you just
Let me love
Family is few and
far between
What have we become?

I know I'm weak
You know I'm scared
Of air,
Of loud sounds,
Of quick movements
I know I'll never grow old

I know
I know nothing
I'm subject to fumbling
So what do I know
I'm showing you my
How low I can go

I'm No expert
Im No les-ser
Than any man
I'm nomadic
Cromagnum Status

I'm a know it all
And I know you
You don't fully
open up to anyone

Chest hurting
Lungs burning
Been running
From hardship
Since I was I cub

It's about time


I learn


To sit with it

Every  minute
Of every day
I beg myself
Not to fight you

Not because I fear I'll lose
And not because of politeness cowardice,
Or weakness
But because this **** is not a
Game to the rest of us

And we've had the anger
thrown at us


since we could stand
Therefore we refrain from
Showing our fangs until
We have to bite back

I'd rather show I can stand for
something/someone
That I love and believe
With patience,
Humility,
And grace

Truth is,  
I hate seeing my dad in me
When rage rushes in
And makes the stage
its playground
Which creates the most terrifying
Plot-Twist
I tried my damnedest
not to star in
The entire time
Then  BAM
........................
Now, what fresh hell is this?

Oh so I guess
I'm both hero
And villan
flinching from glass shattering
Like a halo above my head
While screams fill my nemesis
With momentary madness
Breaking everything of mine
That's in sight

To try and frighten me?
Or cause me to cry in a high pitched whine you must like when I
  Hypervintalate til I'm blue in the face
Reliving worst fears
Miracles that came and I nearly made my escape
Only bc something saved me
But why is it were brought back
To walk right through hell
Again
Yelling "How could you"!
Chasing my self through hallways
Swearing to catch her

So hard to understand
How I could be so uninspired
Cheers! Here's to hiding
Riding w highbeams on high
Resisting fisticuffs and
Dodging drama
Although it always seems to follow
Me
I've been too cautious
I stay shoving down
What's inside of me
We don't get rewarded
For good behavior
As adults
But doesn't make sense that
We should be punished

Beat da basic ***** right outta dem. Vow to never let the light dim. **** it up or
suction cup it
cuz somethings stuck inside the succubus
it's not love or lust
Lot like utter disgust, yo ****** pass the bucket
That ***** leaking ****
Or black sludge
Lookin' for anotha sucka to lure in
Sure does **** for them.

gonna go
Gonna go
Gonna go beast mode
Or beat hoes with a flow
So positive
Lock it in or jot that down
Honor me wit honesty
Yo homonyms
Can't Steal my oxygen
Detoxin off all my prisons
In Paradise painted cage
Why bother with
Letting rage win
When man kept pushing
passed my limits
time
and time again
Ugly actions try to hack me
But I can't let that reality
Matter to me
Guess it matters to me
Wish it mattered to you
Zero dark thirty quotes
I hold up like a moral code
Keep all these inside jokes on the low low
Making it sacred only to  those who matter most.
GO
Beat em til they sleepy
Aye I need to re-lease
The FIRE within in
Me (me) me (me) me (me)
The meanest of the mean
Make more make make more more
freaking beats
For me
To beat and bruise