They call me a fighter,
But...


I'm tired of fighting.

I’m no longer a fighter,
At least not the one you once knew;
The world isn't getting brighter;
Just a little bit darker.
Friends seem farther,
Demons just a little bit closer.
With my thinking,
There’s never closure;
I can’t ever find my way.
For in the dark of night,
I seek the light of day.
Gone down the wrong road,
I'm not a prince, just a toad;
Buried beneath,
Stuck in Morse code.
Thought I could go god mode;
Super strength, all-powerful.
I thought I was incredible,
But I'm no Bruce Banner.
I thought I was invincible,
But I'm no Iron Man.
More like the Metal Man,
Meddling in affairs.
‘Cept life's not fair.

Already placed in battle,
Rifle running rattle,
I’m training like a soldier;
Thoughts crowding like cattle,
Thought I could hold her;
She's all I can think about.
Can't get her out of my head.
Used to feel alive,
Now, I'm feeling dead.
This one-sided attraction,
Self-doubt, large fraction,
Chemical chain reaction;
Rejection, hit like a wall,
Made me fall;
Like first king, Saul,
Can't stand tall.
Am I a man?
Can't hold her hand.
It's like Wendy and Peter Pan,
Lost in Neverland.
I feel paralyzed,
No vice vision;
Fast forward,
Rewind.
No direction,
I'm blind.
This is my body.
This is my mind.
Muscle-memory mimicry,
Chained down,
I thought that I was free.
Guard up,  
I thought that I could be me.

You see,
I used to be a fighter.
But I'm tired of fighting.
I should've enlisted,  
Here, I never existed.
This story's end,
Happily never after;
This decade's end,
Turning twenty-one;
My match has ended.
And I still haven't won.
Fire's been extinguished.
Fuel tank's empty.
No more will in me.
The pressure's killing me.
Bout to go off,
Time's ticking to two;
These gloves, I'm hanging up,
I'm finally through.
Points don't matter,
The price ain't right.
I ain't a Mad Hatter,
I’m down, no flight.
Insanity isn't my vanity;
I feel like I've lost my humanity,
I'm not trying to be a tragedy,
In all actuality,
I've reached my capacity;
Anxiety caused a calamity,
And, now, this is my reality.

A fighter no more,
I lost the war.
Yeah, I ain't Thor;
I may have lost my roar,
But my legacy leaves a lore.
Unworthy of the hammer,
I feel like I'm in the slammer.
Outcast like the Martian from Mars,
Stone walls and iron bars;
They say that I should  
Reach for the stars.
You’ll reach Jupiter in no time,
Just get on the grind, and climb.
They say that my writing's good;
But good was never enough.
Just gotta act tough, and
You'll get through the rough stuff.

I'm there, but invisible.
I think that I'm invincible.
But I'm no Iron Man.

I try to be a Green Lantern
In a room full of Red Lanterns.
But trying is never enough.
Trying is never good enough.

Rage-filled regret
Strength-radiated reliance.
They call me devoted
Little do they know,
I've just deviated
From them all.

They tell me not to
Put up a fake front
A façade of sorts.
But I have to
To hide my scars
And shattered mind.

To say that
I'm good
When I'm not
Like aspiring to be
Like Atlantis
A picturesque paradise
An upsized utopia
An insecure phobia.

We were born
Into this world
Told that we were meant to
Change it.
Told that we were
Superheroes and princesses.

But I'm no Superman.
I'm a Sentry at war
With my own self
With those around me
With my own mind.

The happiness that I see
Is one that I cannot bear
Like Batman re-living
Past deaths in his lair.

I live it everyday
Feet full of lead
Like Doomsday and Superman
Here I lay,
On the ground,
Dead.

staring at the white walls
and the cardinal ceiling;
eyes closed
my body's posed
for dreams' beams
and leaps of sheep.
mind high,
i wonder why...
twitch glitch
ironic chronic
anxious atrocious
i lay awake
i can't sleep
gamble scramble
black jack
off-track
insomniac

Every time someone
Tells me that they
Know what it feels like
It frustrates me
It feels like
No one gets it
No one really listens.

You're not like me
You have no idea what
I'm going through.

Those times
Hours, minutes
That you put in;
All that effort and energy
Wasted for nothing.

Maybe it's because
I don't see it
I don't see the pay-off.
The results seem to
Be diminished.
Finished.

It just seems useless
Worthless
Like there's no point
In telling you more.
My mind and my pride
They just shatter
Like there's no one
Holding me up
No one beside me.
My trust just vanishes.

They say that
It was too late
For them;
It was too soon
For me.  

Angels and demons
On both my shoulders.
It's not about what's right,
Or rather what's wrong;
It's about what's left.
Footprints and legacies.
Marks and memories.

They say that
I’m a freedom fighter
But the hypocrisy of democracy
They say that I’m Bruce Lee
Spinning kicks like
I spin sticks
Break bricks with those wrist flicks.

Top tumble
To bottom strike  
I remain humble,
Counting my losses
Punches thrown like
Words on the daily
Mind rumble
Like a busy day
With the bosses.

Dream believers,
Society deceivers.
World changers,
Evil’s dangers.
Life redeemers,
Broken bones,
Conditioned femurs.

Fallen fighter,
Fallen dreams.

Hoi.
Gesneuvelde Vechter.

For the rest of 2018, I'm going to take the time off to take care of myself mentally, physically, and psychologically. This year has been insane, in both the literal and figurative, but there are times when life just feels like you're being drained and there's not motivation to do anything. That's what I'm going through right now. Life is just hard. And I know that there is some space in the darkness, and maybe, I'll reach that stage, but right now, I can't. As ironic as that is to my own morals and values, it's even harder to admit that to myself. Let alone to others. I hope that you're doing better than I am, and may God bless you in all aspects of your life. Take care of yourself; take care of the people around you. Most of all, follow your passions, and your drive and discipline will take you beyond your goals. And you'll score touchdowns. Peace. SWord out.

Some things in life
You just have to
Fight alone.
I need help to
Get away from
These dry bones.

It's not help
That I want
All I want is for
Someone to listen
Someone to be there.

Don't you see?
My vanity is
Driving me to insanity.
My peace is
Being shattered into pieces.

I'm broken and bound
Chained down
Silent, no sound.
Held back
Mind tight
Body torn
No slack.

Piles of stress
Negative overflow
Strength relying
More or less
Clutch or kick
You're an amateur
You ain't a pro.

Angels and demons
All around me.
Darkness surrounds me.
Happiness astounds me.
My life's killing me.

You know what?
One of my biggest fears is…
Drowning.
Suffocating from all the
Pain and suffering.
Struggling to breathe.
Struggling to move.
Struggling to stay alive.

You know that moment
When you hold that weapon
In your hand, and you just
Think to yourself,
No one would even know
That you’re gone.
No one will ever understand
How much it hurts.

My vision is tunnelling
My mind is echoing
My body is collapsing

I isolate myself from friends
I have no motivation to go to school
I can barely get out of bed,
Let alone go to sleep.

What the heck is wrong with me?
Why do I feel so helpless?
I can't stand being
Weak and vulnerable
In front of people.

I was raised with the mindset
That receiving help was weak.
That asking for it was weak.
No one wants to look bad.
You see,
I was told to look up
But no one realizes that
The whole time,
I was looking down.

I feel so distant from everyone.
So far away from everything.
It's like I just don't belong
Wherever I am, wherever I go.
Even when I'm surrounded
By people, good people too,
I feel like a ghost.
I'm there, but not there.

I feel so lost.
I try to open up,
But sooner than later,
I regret talking in the first place.
It's like I let a little
Piece of me out.
My thoughts and feelings
Out there in the open.
Then pass one or two weeks,  
And it's like it never happened.
It's like no one really cares.
Am I a fool for trusting people?  

Maybe it's just selfishness.
Maybe I think too much of myself.
Maybe it's all my fault.
I'm starting to think that
It really is.
Is it too late to cry?
Is it too late to restart?
No, I can't redo what’s done.
I can't cry.

Why am I doing this?
Why is this happening to me?
What is wrong with me?
It's gotta be fate, right?
Or is it destiny?
Regardless, maybe,
This is the end of me.

I don't even know if
Anyone is going to see this.
Or even hear me out.
You know, it's unpredictable.
Not like it really matters anyways.
It seems like no one
Wants to listen;
Everyone just wants to talk.

People tell me that
They know me.
But how can they,
If I don't even know myself?
Who am I?

What can I tell you?
For the past four years,
I've been struggling with
Anxiety and depression,
Abuse and regret,
Suicide and self-harm.
But I'm not a victim.
I'm not a fighter.
Not anymore.
I'm tired of fighting.
I can’t…
I can’t do this anymore.
I'm struggling
And there's no one nearby
That's willing to pick me up.
I'm dying, and
People just stand around.
They smile and laugh,
And I can't relate.
It hurts.
I can't stand it anymore.

Ha.
It's true.
People look at me and
They move on.
They don't care.
They're just there for the party.
The pity party,
Where they sympathize and
Carry on like nothing is wrong.
It's as if they're all in first place,
Looking down at me in last place.

They don't see me.
They're all too busy.
They're all too preoccupied.
And I don't blame them.
You see,
My purpose isn't about me.
It never has been.
It's about them.
Because if I can't save myself,
Then I'll have to save others.
I’ll have to save the world.

It just hurts.
To breathe
To move
To talk
To exist
To live.
There’s no motivation to move on.
To let go.
To live.
I’ve lost my way and
Ultimately, I’ve lost myself.
I don’t know who I am.
I feel as if I’m no longer worthy of living.
No longer worth waiting.
No longer worth anything.
I hate all who I am.
And I’m sorry.
I’m sorry for not being able.
Not being good enough.
Not being enough.
Or even good.
I tell everyone that
I’m good.
But I can’t do this anymore.
I can’t do this.
I’m losing it.
I’m losing my mind.
I’m losing myself.
I’m losing everything.
And honestly,
I’m just exhausted.
I’m just tired of failing.
And falling.
And faking everything.
I just want one person to just sit down.
And ask me how I truly am.
To look into my eyes, and be honest.
I just want to go out in the open, and…
SCREAM.
It’s like I’m being burdened with more and more weight everyday.
Every single day is like another layer of pain.
Another layer of hate and anger.
Sadness and grief.
Regret and rejection.
I can’t.
I can’t do this.
It hurts to see people happy.
To see people laughing.
It hurts to see people gathered together.
Unaware.
Of the subtle things.
Of the truth behind masks.
Of the brokenness of this world.
Of the brokenness of the people around them.
And it hurts.
It’s like being left on the side of the road
With a knife down your throat.
Because they all just want to be reassured.
Whether or not there’s a cure,
They don’t care.
Who cares, right?

they say that
sticks and stones may
b r e a k  my bones
but words will never h u r t me....

but words are like scars
they leave trails on my skin  
as tear drops drip
evermore, they stay.

seven years ago,
i still remember what you said.

you look at your life,
and all that you see,
is brokenness
and hopelessness
as if there's nothing
standing in your place.
you look at death,
and death looks back at you.

that moment when
they tell you
that you're
cheap and disposable
like the piece of trash
that you are

how many times have
you heard that before?

they throw punches
like they throw words
little do they know
words are like scars
they leave marks
on your life
like no other

it's like no one knows
no one feels
the pain
the suffering
the weakness

they call you
a coward
they call you
weak
they laugh at you
and belittle you
they push you down
and kick you
and like all
the other beatings before,
you take it.

they tell you
I'm sorry
but they don't mean it
they only say it
because they have to.

they tell you that they'll
be there for you
be by your side
every step of the way
but they're wrong
they lied to your face
just to make themselves
feel better
only to tell you that
they're busy
you don't feel better,
heck, you just feel
alone.

they say that
they know what
you're going through
they say it's going to
get better
but it --
--
--
--
doesn't.

they ask if you're okay
but they don't mean it
they don't give a ****
about how you feel
you want them to ask
if you're happy...  

but deep down,
your mind is shredded
your body is beaten to bits
and you feel like ****.
you want to slit your wrists
hold a gun to your head
and count to three...

One.
Two.
You don't even make it
to three.
You pulled the trigger
and your mind goes
blank.
You face death
and death stares back.

My life’s a show
I’m holding back things
You don’t know
Mind’s inside out
My social anxiety’s got me
I ain’t too loud
Keep close my pride
I try to hide
My alter ego is an alien
I aim to be superhuman
Distance, I create
Help, I cannot wait
Taking myself into isolation
Need some insulation
My heart’s cold
Can’t stand the heat
Pressure’s too heavy
Expectations got me beat  
I’m going down
I don’t know if I can take this

(Now read from bottom to top)

I look into the
Void of darkness,
And it stares back.
People think that
I’m devoted and free,
But I’m off-track.

They talk about love,
And they’re so happy.
And they talk about peace
Like a pure dove.
And I’m glad for them.
I really am.

But they don’t
See what I see.
It’s like no one is real.
They don’t realize that
The world around them
Is broken and bound.

They don’t realize that
Amidst their love,
Their peace,
Their happiness,
There’s someone who’s broken.
That one of their own is dying.
It’s like I just don’t belong.

Like when you
Take off your glasses,
And all you see are
Colours and shapes.
As if you’re so blind,
That you’re living in
Black and white,
Film and tapes.

You see,
Everyone is so afraid
To talk about
Death and suicide,
Anxiety and depression,
Abuse and regret.
About the people they
Thought they knew,
And the ones they just met.

Because the only answer
That they have is...
Prayer.
I’m not saying that
Prayer can’t help, but
Even prayers don’t get answers.
Even prayers have their limits.

Sometimes, it’s not about
Being saved, but rather
Saving others.

They say that
Life is a journey.
But they’re wrong.
But it’s been much more than that.

All my life,
I’ve been running.
Sometimes,
It catches up and slows me down.
When I’m out of breath,
I can’t stop.
I can’t quit.
I can’t let go.
I can’t fail.
I can’t deal with life.

I just have to keep running…
Life’s a marathon.

I am small.
I am weak.
I am lonely.
Doesn’t mean that
I have no one next to me.

Happy during the day.
Sad at night.
I don’t want to
Disturb you.
I don’t want to
Interrupt you.

When they ask you what’s wrong
But you can’t explain.
Or they don’t say a word.
I don’t know which is worse.

I isolate myself on purpose.
I don’t want to bother you.
I hate myself.
Leave me alone.

Hug me and
Tell me that
Things will be okay.
That I’ll live to see tomorrow,
Let alone the rest of today.

I have a heart
That nobody owns.
Pride and honour
Stripped from my bones.

The truth always hiding
Behind close curtains
Heavy burdens
Open doors
Chaotic wars

Demons drag me back forever  
Shadows surround me wherever
I want to be with her, however,
Whatever.

Drives of pain,
Stress stuck in this brain
Of mine
Not owned
I try not to cry
I’m fine.

Punches thrown
Like rain hitting a puddle.
I want to curl up
And cuddle.

They keep coming back.
It’s like ******.
Vision narrowing
Demons echoing

Master of disguise
Deception
Of all the lies
Perception.

Silence is all they see.
Crying for help.
Wounds so deep.
Smiling for them.
So they can be reassured
That I’m cured.

Years ago,
I had a dream
For a better world,
But I woke up.

Now, I have a promise.
To those that have
To show a fake front and
To those who cry.
To stand up for
To those who are weak
And those who try...
But don't make it.
It's a creed to live by.

Call me weak
Call me a coward
Tell me that I'm scared
Tell me that I can't do it
Not by my own strength.
And I will say to you that
You are right.

It's the reason why
I train, write, eat,
Meditate, repeat.
It's the reason why
I can't let go of
My past; it makes
Time go fast.
It's the ****** reason why
I live in the light,
Consumed by the darkness.

Often times, 
We get so many answers of
“I’m too busy" or “Hit me up later"
But no one realizes that I…
I don't want to be the one that reaches out
I don't want to be the one that initiates anything 
I just want you to be there, and tell me 
That life's crap, but you got me. 
That you know I’m down, and 
You're by my side to pick me up. 
That when I wake up, 
You'll be by my side, 
We'll be walking together, 
Laughing and smiling... 
Ha.
Too bad, this is only a dream. 
I’m not lonely, only alone. 
I’m not dead yet, only dying. 
I’m struggling, but barely holding — 
— on.

You see,
I feel like a fool.
Trusting too many people
With words of
Content and satisfaction,
Ambitions and aspirations.
A light in the darkness
A light at the end of the tunnel
A beacon of hope in open oceans
But there is no hope.
Only an illusion.
There is no peace.
Only pieces of what we
Believe is there.
But their belief
Is that we’re
In this together.
But are we really?

You tell me that
It'll all be good.
But I'm not good.
I only say it
Because if I say anything else,
You'll be at a loss for words,
Unable to say anything
And then, it fills the void
With an awkward silence.
And like everyone else,
You'll say that
You're there for me.
But when I reach out,
Only emptiness fills my grasp.
Silence is like my isolation.
It's the reason why
I feel so foolish and —  
— alone.

It's not like
I don't have "friends"
- so to speak - but
It's like there's
Not a person in the world
That's willing to listen.
It's funny, you know?
They say that
Sticks and stones
May break my bones,
But words will
Never hurt me.
Actions are the ones
That we forgive and forget
But words...
Words are the things that
We remember forever.

When someone tells you
That they're
There for you.
Because their word
Is their promise.
And so when you call out,
You wait...
And wait...
And wait.
But then you realize
That, like rules,
Promises end up being broken.
Promises are unreliable.
Words are unreliable.

Don't tell me that
You'll answer when I call,
You'll be there when I need you,
You'll listen when I talk,
Because you won't.
Don't tell me that;
Don't promise me anything.
Because like the rest of the world,
You don't actually give a ****.
But I don't blame you.

I'm not trying to
Victimize myself
Because I'm not a victim
I'm not a survivor.
I'm not who you think I am.
Underneath all  
My strength and pride
My discipline and determination
My fortitude and dedication
I've lied.

It seems like life's
All about performance
You want to be the best?
You have to beat the best.
Even if that person
Is yourself.

Hey.
Let me tell you something;
Every morning,
I'll go outside and
Close my eyes and
Think:
Who am I?
Why does it feel like
There's not a person
In the world that
Sees me
Understands me
My mind is so
Crowded
Messy
Filled with
Mixed messages.
Angel and demon
Dark and light
Wrong and right.
Why do I feel so helpless?
So useless?
Why do I feel so small
In a big world?
Obstacles that challenge me
Physically
Emotionally
Mentally
Psychologically
People tell me that
It's my pride
It's me trying to
Compensate for my
Own actions
It's me against myself.
They say that I can't do it alone.
But they're wrong.
Failure is not an option.
Failure is not an opportunity.
Failure is quitting,
Giving up,
On myself.
On the kids that look up to you.
On the friends that depend
On you to be there.
On the weak that rely on you
To stand up against the abusers.
Giving in, giving up
Is not an option.
Not for me.
They say that it's not
My burden to carry.
Not my burden to carry
Other people's pain
Other people's suffering
Other people's weaknesses
Not my burden
To carry the world.  
If you want to tell me that
It's not mine to carry,
It's not mine to protect,
It's not mine to be strong,
Then you don't know me.
Hell, if you think you know me,
I don't know how.
Because I don't know me.
Who am I?
Who am I supposed to be?
What am I supposed to do?
Not later, but now.
Because now,
More than ever,
I just want to hide,
To leave this world.
To leave and
To never come back.
Now, more than ever,
I want to die so badly.
To see friends come up and ask,
"How are you doing?"
But to never know
The real answer.
Because their questions
Never really were
Meant to be.
I can't live in the moment
Or for tomorrow.
I just can't.
I'm breaking my own rules.
Life is going to **** me.
Either life or it'll be me.

Lost act for
A lost soul.

Give him an Oscar for his
A1 Performance.
Lack of
Importance.

Playing the role
But never playing myself.
In the light,
But always on the shelf.

On the sidelines.
Benched by invisibility.
I can’t feel my heart.

Dark is the sky.
Cold is the world.
I just want to die.

I’m good at what I do
I’m good at hiding
Hiding it from all of you
You believe I’m happy
That I’ve had a good week.
Sorry to disappoint you
Like I’ve done in the past;
Depression is the only thing alive in me.

Sometimes, it's not
About being saved;
But rather, about
Saving others.

When I look at you,
When I'm with you,
I feel comfortable.
I feel happy.
And I don't want that to go away.

Would you like me to keep checking in everyday, or less so? I know that it gets annoying sometimes. I don't know. It's such a struggle to communicate how I feel. I don't know how to express myself. My thoughts. The constant battle within my head. Just let me know, y'know? If I'm getting over-the-top, just tell me to cut it out. I apologize. I'm sorry if I take things too far. It's just my paranoia. My overthinking. My social anxiety. My fear of being alone, yet that desire to just be left alone. I don't know. Everything's just so overwhelming. Sometimes, I check in, and hope that you'd do the same, but if you're busy, it's okay, I guess. I don't know. Life is just a struggle, y'know? The struggle to just be -- to move, and think, and speak, and breathe, and just process everything. Sometimes, it's like I just want to be done with life. Done with everything. And I just don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I want to say something, but I can't. You know? I want to say that I'll be there for you, or that I have certain feelings for you, or that I care for you, or that I wholeheartedly want the best for you. But I just can't. There's a setback in my mind that backfires everything. I don't know anymore. Just let me know that you want me to stop checking in, or not so often. I'm sorry in advance, I guess. That fear of social approval and social judgement, and just not being good enough. It's just so hard to see what's right or wrong in a certain context or circumstance. If I act aggressive or suicidal, I'm sorry for making your life difficult. It's just hard to be. You know, sometimes, I feel like no one really sees me. It's like I'm invisible. I feel like I'm so alone. Like I know I have friends, but it's like they're so busy, and I don't wanna be a bother to them. I'm sorry if I am. I'm sorry if I failed your expectations. I'm sorry if I wasn't there for you. Because you're all I really have. And I just want the best for you.

In the distance, I hear:
Faint footsteps
Like the whispers of gossipers
In the corners
Eager to tell my darkest secrets

The sound of plastic against carpet
Like the pats against
Children's backs that
I never experienced.
That reassurance that
Someone cared about you.
Someone noticed you.  
Someone loved you.
Yeah, I never got that.

Muffled breaths
Like the sound of my tears
Drifting ever so quickly
Into my pillow as
I cry myself to sleep.

The oh so familiar
Whirring sound of a vacuum
Like the feeling when
My anxiety ***** up
The life out of me
Exhausts me until
I struggle for air.

Jan. 10 — 12:11 AM

Does my anxiety and depression make me an attention seeker? I don’t mean to be in the spotlight. I hate it. But I want someone to be close and deep.

Am I selfish for thinking about all of my daily issues?

Am I a coward for not being able to reach out? I don’t know how to. I never learned and was never taught.

Am I unwanted and unloved when I feel so alone? No one seems to really care.

Am I a fool for thinking gifts and words would mean so much to people when they are just materials? I thought that I would become closer, but it seems that I’m just a waste of time and energy.

Am I a ghost? Someone who is unseen and unknown by so many familiar faces.

Am I just making excuses?