"Why didn't you tell anyone?"
*No one asked...

i'm at this point where
i need something bad to happen
so that i can talk to someone
because there is no
apparent reason for me
to feel the way i do right now
so i can't talk to anyone about it
i can't tell how devastated i am
or how much i'm hurting
it feels like something is eating me up from the inside
and it hurts more than ever
but nothing happened
so i'm just gonna sit here
in the dark biting my tongue
hoping that someone will come
hold my hand and tell me that it is okay

*(s.m)

She saved my life
and I have no clue how to thank her properly
I don't think she really knows
or how much she means to me
nor how much she's done for me
and when I try to explain it
I sound foolish and can't get my words to sound right

*(s.m)

You* saw the storm in my eyes
You heard the silence in my voice
You noticed the heaviness in my heart

It felt like everything was gonna be okay
once I opened up and started talking to you

(s.m)

there can be several reasons for my silence
either i didn't sleep much last night
maybe i just don't have anything to talk about
i might be over analyzing things
maybe i'm upset, worried or scared
i could be falling apart inside
but most of the times it's just all of the above

*(s.m)

Thank you*
For reaching out to me when I needed it the most
For making me feel safe when talking to you
For being there when no one else was

Thank you
For believing in me when I don't myself
For allowing me to cry or just stare into the wall
For letting me sit in silence without having to say a word

Thank you
For listening to me for hours to end
For giving me the space and peace I've needed
For being the reason I got up and fought a little more

Thank you
For being more understanding than anyone ever before
For opening up your home to me even though you didn't have to
For holding my hand and assuring me that everything will be okay

Thank you
For all your support
For not giving up on me
For being with me through some of my worst times

Thank you for your warmth and all your hugs
I honestly wouldn't have made it this far without you
I'm truly grateful and forever will be
Thank you for saving me and for everything you've done

From the bottom of my heart, thank you

*(s.m)

some days i feel nothing and others, everything
last night i felt everything, felt it all at once
my mind was filled with negative thoughts
so many thoughts and feelings at once
i didn't stand a chance against myself
my entire body felt sore and my head was pounding
i cried uncontrollably and stared blankly at the ceiling
i couldn't breathe -- everything is a mess
so sick of never feeling good enough for a slight second
yesterday was horrible but though i barely slept
i managed to drag myself out of bed this morning
covered up my pinching eyes and took off
just like any other morning

*(s.m)

i have days where
i don’t smile
my tears fall
like raindrops
my voice breaks
everytime i try to talk
only seeking comfort
in my dreams
it’s impossible to
cheer me up
spending a whole day in bed
my thoughts are hidden
just curled up in the dark
i have days
where i'm just in a dark place

*(s.m)

this storm have been raging
inside me for several years
i can force a smile and a laugh
but no one knows how hard
nor how painful all this is
i’m choking on my tears
and all the pain i feel inside
doesn’t seem to have an end
the weather outside is terrible
i haven’t seen the sun for years

*(s.m)

when i wake up in the morning
i feel the ache in my chest
i know i must get out of bed
but instead i just sit on the edge
of my bed starring out into nothing
hearing my brain scream
that i need to get up and get ready
i also hear my dad yelling that i need
to get up if i don’t wanna be late
part of me really doesn’t care
but the other part is taking over
and somehow i get up and
drag myself to the shower
i also drag myself out in the car
waiting for the very last minut
before i leave the driveway
i go all day trying to act like
i’m doing okay and i’ve actually
slept through the night
which i haven’t done in quite a while
when i go to bed in the evening
i feel the ache in my whole body
i scream silently and i shed
lonely silent tears as i fall asleep

*(s.m)

my father broke my heart
before any guy ever had a chance
it’s hard to trust someone
and to let people in
not because you are scared
that they will break your heart
because part of you know they will
i mean, that’s what you’ve grown up with, right?
but also because you don’t wanna
risk that chance of hurting yourself
you’ve learned to protect yourself
by distancing people from you
it’s the easy way out, but also
the safest for yourself

*(s.m)

I don't know how to tell you I'm broken
without feeling needy

I don't know how to open up
without feeling judged

I don't know how to cry
when my tears feel like acid

I just need you to see that I'm hurting
without me telling you
because my words are bleeding out
of my mouth, waiting for you
to stitch me up and make me fine
although I know that's not your job

today
i feel weak and small
invisible and forgettable
unimportant and worthless
today
my brain is so full
i can hardly speak
and hardly breathe
today*
battling my mind
fighting the pain
hurt in my body
crying acid tears
trying to survive

today is just like any other day

*(s.m)

today
i feel weak and small
today
small problems become big
my brain is so full
i can hardly speak
today*
i’m batteling my mind
fighting the pain
trying to survive
with teary eyes
and an aching heart

*(s.m)

days are going by not feeling like days
annoying obstacles needing to be faced
my world is b&w;, the colors have faded
i feel overwhelmingly numb constantly
waking up every day into a nightmare
just wanting to go straight back to bed
days does not feel like days anymore

*(s.m)

i have days where
i don’t wanna talk to anyone
i don’t wanna smile or fake being happy
i don’t know why, i can’t explain it
i have days where i just wanna be alone
stay in bed all day and not move one inch
when you’re alone no one will ask you
what is wrong? or try to understand or
won't take i don’t know what’s wrong for an answer
i feel the way i feel just because i do
for anything in the world i want that feeling to pass
everyone says it just takes more time
so can i please just be left alone to wait

*(s.m)

i don’t know what’s going on anymore
i don’t care about anything
i’ve lost my motivation for life
i’m confused, i don’t know how i feel
can’t explain it in any way
i feel empty and my world seems dark
feels like no one understand
there’s just nothing to look forward to anymore

*(s.m)

last night was one of those nights
the numbers on my alarm clock
had just to shifted to 3 am, once again
i got up and closed the door shut
went back and sat on my bed
with my back against the wall
i felt the pinching in my face
and acid tears streaming down my face
i gasped desperately, but silent for air
and i tried to make myself stop shaking
thinking about everything that is wrong
with me and my life and with the world
exhausted and with deep breaths i cried
and i cried myself to sleep, once again
today i woke up in the corner of my bed
i had a pounding headache
but i got out of bed just like any other morning

*(s.m)

she asked me if i had any
i hesitated and looked down
she came over and sat next to me
held my hands and looked deeply
into my eyes almost tearing up
she pulled up my long sleeved shirt
gasped silent and tried not to show
how shocked and worried she was
she caressed them calmly
hugged me as tightly as she could
wiped away my tears
told me everything will be okay
without her, i wouldn’t be here

*(s.m)

i’m so sorry for being such a mess
for not having the right words
or any words at all
but i’m trying
i really am
trying

*(s.m)

the worst part of having a bad day
is not being able to cry it out
the day has been complete ****
all you want is to scream and yell
but you don’t feel anything
you are numb
you can’t smile cause it takes too much energy
but you can’t cry either cause you don’t feel anything
you’re just paralyzed
your heart is aching
and you can’t breathe
can I please just to cry it out the next time?

*(s.m)

everything hurts
i can’t seem to find the reason
just wanna scream my lungs out
i need someone to lean on
someone to depend on
i need a hug
but yet i just wanna be alone
away from everyone
it feels like i’m about to break into a million pieces

*(s.m)

sometimes i wish for someone
who will listen to me when i'm silent
just hear the silence speak for itself
someone to listen and understand
all my unspoken thoughts and feelings
and see the pain that is hiding
without looking into my eyes

*(s.m)

i’m just so tired...
i wish the world would just be
quiet
nothing but silent
no screaming - yelling - noices
or voices
i wish the world
and the voices in my head
would just shut up and be quiet
give me some rest for once
is that really too much to ask for?

*(s.m)

i'm just done
done with it all

i've cried and fought
so hard for years now
but now everything is falling apart
i feel it all crashing down beneath my feet

something is eating me up from inside
and i don’t have the strength anymore
to keep fighting back

i'm done

*(s.m)

my troubled thoughts
keeping me restless
everyday i’m wondering
if my mind will ever find peace

*(s.m)

I can’t cry anymore
so instead
I just sit there
staring blankly at the wall
and feeling my heart
breaking into a million pieces
and no words are coming out
speechless and heartbroken

*(s.m)

I look happy, don’t I?
there are no cuts on my wrists
all you see is the smile on my lips
But how long will it take you before
you will look deep into my eyes
and realize that you didn’t check good enough
Have you seen my heart? it’s filled with scars

*(s.m)

I tend to tell everyone that I’m fine
and that things are getting better
also that the pain inside is fading
but I still feel the sting of the pain
there are scars deep in my heart
and they are only getting deeper
the pain in my eyes is lingering
i’m trying to hide my tears all day
every second of the day
I can’t look into your eyes
cause my guard will be teared down
I’m trying to hide away the pain
for my own and everyone else’ good
I’m hurt, ashamed and scared

*(s.m)

I look happy, don’t I?
there are no cuts on my wrists
all you see
is the smile on my lips
maybe even a spark in my eyes
and all you hear
is me telling everyone i'm fine
maybe even a laugh once in a while

but when will you look deep into my eyes
look beneath the spark and the blue color
see the emptiness and the darkness in me

   when you will realize
the smile is a facade
i'm not happy, it's fake, i'm hiding my tears
   when you will see
the spark is a blur
i'm not happy, i’m on the edge to tears
   when you will hear
the laugh is a scream
i'm not happy, i’m choking on pain

did you check my heart? it’s filled with scars

*(s.m)

why is it that I can’t leave my things
without you having to open them
they are mine, and they are personal
they will scare you and make you cry
so for your own good, don’t open them
my world is darker than the color black
you have never been where i am and
you will never understand it so don’t,
leave my things alone, they are mine

*(s.m)

Sitting in class
pinching my wrist
trying to focus
my eyes hurt
and itch from
all the crying
i did last night

Sitting at home
i put on my
happy face
acting up
like nothing’s
wrong and my
day went great

With friends
i laugh
with them
acting like
i’m happy
and without
worries

Sitting alone
music blasting
writing proems
thinking and
worrying, trying
not to cry
falling apart

*(s.m)

she gave me a piece of paper
and told me to write it all down
all my thoughts and my feelings
and explain all my demons inside
all the pain that occurs in my body
just write it down for me she said
stared at the blank piece of paper
paper that was white as pure snow
and it was still blank after hours
but that explains it very well though
i don’t feel anything

*(s.m)

sometimes it all just gets to much
i get so sad and upset that i can’t breathe
so how on earth do you expect me to talk
and tell you about all the demons inside me
when they are sitting on my lungs?

*(s.m)

Yesterday, I felt like I mattered to someone
she remembered my name and my face
how I used to look and where I’ve been
she asked me about some things that
i barely remember, but she did
she’s unbelievably amazing
she saved my life back then
and she doesn’t even know
i had a perfect night
she saved me
once again
yesterday

*(s.m)

I’m scared to look into your eyes
I told you all along that I’m fine
with a big fat smile on my face
but now you’re asking me to look
into your eyes and tell you the truth
But I can’t cause you’ll see all the pain
that I’ve been trying to hide with my
big fat smile
And you’ll see the blur in my eyes
I’m scared because you won’t ever
be able to understand all the pain
that I’ve gone through in my life
so I will end up getting hurt and
even more scared to look into
someone else’s eyes
so I just go with a big fat smile
and *I’m fine

I can’t talk to you about this cause if I did
I would tell you that my heart is aching
and hurting so bad I just wanna rip it out
out of my chest with my own bare hands
I would tell you that I’m so depressed
that I sometimes wonder why I keep
fighting this battle with myself and I wonder
if it’ll ever stop hurting the way it does now
If we talked about this I would fall apart
and I don’t have time to fall apart cause
I’m busy holding myself together with tape and glue

*(s.m)

Everyone who has told me they
would always be there for me
have left
I’m done opening up to people
done trusting
I just end up hurting myself in the long run
But for some reason
I’m still hoping and waiting and praying
for someone who will care
honestly and genuinely care for me
someone who will always be there for me
and to hold me tight
wipe away my tears
and someone to promise me that everything will be okay
cause right now I don’t believe it when saying it myself

*(s.m)

everything seems to be pure hell right now
i just need someone to sit with me and
tell me that everything will be alright
and that tomorrow will be better
but now i’ve tried so many times
and no tomorrow is better
nothing changes
i’ve kinda lost hope in this
things won’t get better
not today, tomorrow or next week
but please just give me some more hope
and if you keep telling me it gets better
it will, won’t it?
cause you promised me you would be honest with me

*(s.m)

i’ve learned that it’s best to just not say anything at all
cause telling other people won’t help one bit
it won’t change the fact that your life is hell
yes, they can listen to what you say and feel sorry for you
but they won’t ever understand what you’re going through
it just hurts that they know all this about you now
and you thought it would help talking to someone about it
but they can’t do anything besides listen and that’s not enough

*(s.m)

i can’t cry anymore
it’s like there’s no more fluid in my body
i miss it though
feeling the tears streaming down my cheeks
and showing people how i really feel
but now they don’t have a clue
cause i can’t show them

*(s.m)

it’s easy to put on
a smile and a laugh
but harder to wear it

but all you have to do
is put it on and then
everyone will believe you
that you no worries have
and everything is perfect

show your strength with just putting on a smile
a smile can cure all pain and tears
it can destroy all signs of weakness
just a simple smile

or can it … ?

*(s.m)

when i go to sleep
i lay awake for at least
an hour or three
thoughts, memories and worries
filling my mind
but my mind is empty
i can’t hear anything
but yet everything
i feel numb
but yet i feel everything
every move, feeling and sense
nothing can make it stop
so i just lay awake
waiting
for it to pass
so my mind can get some rest

*(s.m)

I look happy, don’t I?
there are no cuts on my wrists
all you see
is the smile on my lips
maybe even a spark in my eyes
and all you hear
is me telling everyone i'm fine
maybe even a laugh once in a while

but when will you look deep into my eyes
look beneath the spark and the deep blue
see the emptiness and the darkness in me

   when you will realize
the smile is a facade
i'm not happy, it's fake, i'm hiding my tears
   when you will see
the spark is a blur
i'm not happy, i’m on the edge to tears
   when you will hear
the laugh is a scream
i'm not happy, i’m choking on pain

did you check my heart? it’s filled with scars

*(s.m)

one girl asks me what happened and if i’m okay
but what she doesn't know is that i heard them
i heard them whisper about me and pointing fingers
they are curious and need something new to gossip about
so i tell her everything is fine and nothing happened
she looks at me and tells me everything isn’t fine
i look at the other girls who is standing in the corner
whispering and laughing, trying to hear what i'm saying
and I scream on the top of my lungs
no everything is not fine, but you don’t care one bit
you just need something to gossip about and something
that you can start rumors about and make me look bad
so I just go with “I’m fine" because none of you give a ****

*(s.m)

i told her i was fine but she looked into my eyes,
held my hand
and said “i know you are not”
she made me feel special
she made me feel like i matter to some people
she made me trust her
she let me into her heart
she held me tight,
listened,
wiped away my tears
but most importantly,
she cared
and she gave me
everything
she is right there every second of the day
and she never left even after all this
i’m surprised and thankful that she puts up with me
my broken soul
and my mind filled with darkness
i don’t know how to ever pay her back
i’ve never trusted anyone as much as i trust her before
she saved my life  

*(s.m)

they all think i was fixed last year
that 6 talks with a therapist was enough
that i’m happier than ever and therapy
can solve anything in a few weeks

bs, depression isn’t just something
that goes away just like that
it never goes away, it haunts you
for the rest of your life

so put your glasses on and look
into my eyes and tell me if I look
fine
my heart is aching and i’m anything
but fine

*(s.m)

it’s 3 am and i’m still awake
i’m watching the video again
can’t believe how long it’s been
and how far away you are
i still dream about you and wishing
that I was there with you tonight
my heart is aching and my eyes
are tearing up once again
i look back on all the memories
with a smile
but tonight all i can do is cry

*(s.m)

I’m sick and tired of being that friend
the one everyone turns to and the one
who has to sort out everyones problems
i’m sick of being everyones punching bag
but i’m that friend who will always be there
and help you through your problems
even when I’m feeling like **** myself
can I for once be the one to be asked
if I’m okay?

*(s.m)