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Mar 2019 · 219
A letter to my Mother
Matthew Vargas Mar 2019
Mother, mother
I wanted to tell you.
Of all the heart aches and tearful nights I've had
and you never noticed.
Mother, I'm breaking.
Mother, I'm shaking.
Oh Mother, I'm the son you never acknowledged.
Mother this world is corrupting me.
I tried to be the good child
you raised.
To live in peace and harmony and to love others with all my heart.
But I'm tearing myself apart.
I'm falling apart at the seams.
And it's all I can do to keep myself together.
Mother it's getting harder to drag myself out of bed.
Mother, I'm drinking the pain away.
Mother, I'm starting to drown.
Mother, I need someone.
Mother, please save me.
Mother... It's over. I'm through. I've had enough.
I'm damaged. They've damaged me, mother.
Good night, mother, Good bye. I love you. I'm sorry..
Mar 2019 · 217
try to forget
Matthew Vargas Mar 2019
Only years could wash away these feelings.
because ive spent a millennia memorizing
how your eyes light up when you smile, the dimples surrounding your cheeks.
how you look down when you're flustered or ashamed.
or the way you laugh, hiding the action with your hand in front of your face.
but you're gone.
You're gone and there's not a single thing I can do to change that.
Mar 2019 · 227
my favorite tale
Matthew Vargas Mar 2019
Dark and light, cool and bright,
Sun and moon, the princess and the fool.
The only story I'd wanna hear
Is the one where we could disappear
To a faraway land
With milk and honey
And if we could see the rings of Saturn,
That would be enough.
You and me
Me and you.
Black and white. Dark and light
Stark contrast of colors and emotions.
Mar 2019 · 111
Tomorrow & Today
Matthew Vargas Mar 2019
Overwhelming desires
Burn fires
Into the heart of my soul
I wish to grow old
And live without regret
with memories I will not forget

Tomorrow is filled with chance
Love, pain, art, sadness, dance
Endless opportunities
Boundless liberties
So bring your wishes
Bring hugs and kisses

Because today is beginning
Happiness is winning
Let the morning sun
Guide you to adventure and fun!
Mar 2019 · 84
Rebellion
Matthew Vargas Mar 2019
Rising through demolition
They scream for my submission
And I refuse to lose
My identity is me.
Not my "ideas."
Not my "beliefs."
But who you see before you
Is who I am.
And not one thing you do
Will take that away from me.
Matthew Vargas Dec 2017
Hours and hours, I paint flowers without many cowers until you came and opened my heart.
Now I'm falling apart.
I wished and hoped for forever, but we never even got together.
I was a fool.
A miserable fool filled with the illusion of love and believing you were an angel sent from above.
I loved you.
I loved you more than the soft sketches on my skin, more than the morning sun.
Now, my love, look at what you've done-
You played my heart and I played the fool.
I was a great distraction wasn't I? A wonderful tool...
I've said goodbye.
But I won't lie,
I'll never find someone like you
But if only... If only we had been true.
Not that it matters. I don't matter. It's fine and I understand that now, I was the one pushing and rushing.
You were the one ******* and fussing.
And that's fine
By the end of this rhyme
I'll find someone new.
Someone unlike you.
Failed.
Oct 2017 · 2.0k
Confession of a Transboy
Matthew Vargas Oct 2017
Sorry to disappoint you, mother, father
But I'm not your daughter
Sorry classmates, I'm not a her
I'm a sir.
I've spread these wings, I'm ready for flight
And if necessary, I'm ready to fight
I'm sick and tired of hiding
I'm through with denying
This is me
I will be true to my heart
Nothing will shatter my pride apart.
I'm a boy. I'm a man.
And someday family, I hope you understand.
I wrote this and I'm gonna start posting more trans and queer related stuff woo!
Sep 2017 · 476
Pandora would be proud.
Matthew Vargas Sep 2017
Those who know me, have read the words I've written in black ink and can physically see me
Have told me
Though my writing is depressing
And my suicidal thoughts obsessing
Have mentioned that glimmer of hope that hides behind my demons screeching inside
I feel like Pandora at times
While darkness reigns the depths of my mind,
There's Hope
Trapped within.
I'm letting go of that hope.
There's nothing for me,
No future,
No dreams,
No possibilities,
Absolutely Nothing.
Because I'm nothing and the only thing that will fulfill me is the fact that one day I'll stop breathing.
Sad and boujee
Sep 2017 · 441
Pleading
Matthew Vargas Sep 2017
Slow soft melodies
Floating from the sound
Of your lovely voice
Your laughter
Is the sweetest music
That's ever passed my ears.
And I put my brush down
Because I know that
I'll never create anything
Half as wonderful as you.
But I'll try as I paint your eye
And forge this picture in my mind
That someday you'll find
The love you lost for yourself
Long ago
And you'll be at ease, darling.
You'll be the person you
Want to be.
I love you
I love you so
I love you so much
And I'd give the world
To make you smile
So darling please, realize
You're worth more than all of
Hades' wealth and the galaxies
Realize, you're precious to me
please...
So many amazing people don't realize how much more they truly are... It makes me sad sometimes to think about it
Sep 2017 · 388
Flightless
Matthew Vargas Sep 2017
They've clipped my wings, darling
I want to soar through the heavens
And land in your arms
Like old times
But I'm earth bound and alone
Miles away from your love
I'll find a way,
No matter the cost.
No matter the length.
Even if it takes me a millennia,
I'll find my way back to you,
my love.
Listening to I love you so by the Walters and in my feels ****
Sep 2017 · 495
An endless love
Matthew Vargas Sep 2017
She's never thought she was beautiful
She saw beauty in everything
From the tall pines
To the withered down bricks on the side of our home.
She saw beauty in me
She encouraged and supported me,
When no one else dared.
All I've ever wanted was for her to love herself as much as I do.
Because she's shown me so much along the years,
From what it means to love and be loved,
To how it feels to run my hand down her hair,
And have a true promise of eternity.
I hold her tight through the nights
And chase her fears away
As she does for me.
And I will love her until the day comes
Where we're withered and gray
And the feeling of her insecurities go away.
And even after our final breaths,
I'll love her after death
Sep 2017 · 287
Anxious mess
Matthew Vargas Sep 2017
The rising anxiety
Flares my insecurity.
I clear my throat,
The words just
won't come out right.
And I stutter and avoid
Staring at my audience
And I bit my lip,
Remembering hours
Of memorizing my topic
Only to forget it
Right on the spot.
I gather my courage and do my best
I finish my presentation
And they clap politely
And the relief is my refuge as I sit
With something of pride in my eyes.
Pretty sure everyone cab relate to feeling really nervous while presenting a presentation
Sep 2017 · 270
Relapsing
Matthew Vargas Sep 2017
"Are you okay?"
Some ask while I fall into shambles
Am I okay?
I ask myself as I tear my flesh apart
"You look so tired..."
Some say as they look at me, concerned.
"Didn't get much sleep."
I try to smile and mumble.
It's tiring.
So utterly exhausting as my pillow bears more of my tears,
Staining it's soft fabric.
Drops of salt and water, how I cling
To this pillow and wonder
Why I'm always alone when I cry.
But who knows
and who cares.
Sep 2017 · 659
Tale of a transboy
Matthew Vargas Sep 2017
"I'm a boy," he mutters away from the others and winced as he looked in a mirror, his reflection not what he wanted.

"I'm a boy," he said quietly, almost ashamed to say as he came out to his best friend.

"I'm a boy." Tears filled his eyes as he announced to his parents, surprised when they accepted him fully.

"I'm a boy." He can proudly say, years after he had kept it all in, he can show who he truly is.
Just a small story of an accepted boy
Sep 2017 · 213
Hopeless hearth
Matthew Vargas Sep 2017
A soft sigh escapes my lips
My fingers run around across the sheets
Of a springy bed
This home is not a home
As things are thrown
And screaming is heard through the walls
And I can feel my mother crying
And my little sister clutches onto me
Asking me why daddy's mad.
I have to be strong for her
I can't let her know that our father
Isn't all there.
"He's just tired," I tell her
And sing her a lullaby
In small hopes that when she grows,
She won't remember theses days and
That our father will be okay...
Sep 2017 · 221
Insecurity
Matthew Vargas Sep 2017
That smile isn't real, is it darling?
How you put a front up to impress those around you
How you long for them to love you.
But I can see right through you.
As your mascara runs, was it worth it?
Was it worth all your time, all your effort, sacrificing your identity to please them?
When all along you just wanted to be accepted
So you left your individuality
And fled your beautiful reality
To blend in, well you've done it
You've become one of them.
But you no longer feel free
Oh, darling, is this what you wanted to be?
Just a little something that came to mind while talking to an old friend.
Aug 2017 · 366
Inversed Narcissus
Matthew Vargas Aug 2017
The water is clear
Unlike my mind.
It's murky, foggy, and
as my hand touches the surface,
It ripples.
Breaking the perfection
And I sigh as my face
reflected back to me
How I wish I could be lovely
Like the setting sun
Or the endless oceans
And I feel my face plunge
Forward into the water.
Struggling to breath underwater
The liquid fills my nostrils
And I've drowned
Like Narcissus
But out of self loathing
Rather than unconditional
self-admiration
Not everyone drowns themselves in love
Aug 2017 · 470
Empty
Matthew Vargas Aug 2017
'This is bad,' I think
And in a blink
Your smile fades
To a cold gray
And I swallow hard
As you turn to leave
my backyard
And I want to scream and
find a way,
A way to make you stay.
But you're out of reach
And my heart pounds
To the steps you take
And I feel like I'm going
To break...
Aug 2017 · 189
Wondering
Matthew Vargas Aug 2017
I just want to stare at the ceiling
While music blasts into my ears
And colors spill from my ribs
And the world dissolves around me
With the image of who you used to be
Taking control of my mind.
Where did you go, my love?
Aug 2017 · 244
Distant
Matthew Vargas Aug 2017
The closer we get
the farther you seem.
My heart pounds from
my chest,
And you're smiling
that sad smile.
Your eyes twinkle,
my breath hitches
But oh my gods
im falling in love all over again.
Aug 2017 · 175
Distortion
Matthew Vargas Aug 2017
The lines smear
On a sheet
of notebook paper
Somewhere near
Is a cup of coffee
Waiting to be devoured
Loud music
Quiet mind
Dark imagination
Happy tunes
What am I doing?
Aug 2017 · 290
Drifting through space
Matthew Vargas Aug 2017
Slow breaths mixed with secret smiles.
A galaxy of stars over our heads
The planets align in our hearts
We float through the milky way.
With total ease, just you and me
Me and you, leaving this world out of the blue.
We soar past the meteor belt
Far past Jupiter, whizzing by Neptune
Soon the beauty of our universe is gone.
and again,
its just you and me.
At the edge of our celestial body

— The End —