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878 · May 2020
Sea of Serenity
Michaela Ferris May 2020
On the shore I stand staring out
into the waves of pure wonderment
and the dark sullen sky, filled with stars
knowing that you were once one of them,
shining within the night sky
before being picked for a life here with me.

The people laughing and playing
oblivious to the absent feeling lying within.
Children enjoying the soft warm sand beneath their feet,
now you never will know such simple joys.
These are the days where I feel as fragile as a china doll
Knowing that I lost something I never really had.

Looking out across the sea, how it stretches for miles
wishing you the peace and serenity this scene gives me.
Hoping you may get a second chance at life,
back up there among the stars where you can dream.
My little star, something I never really had at all
but knowing what could have been I still look up to see you shining!
871 · Feb 2017
Lonely alone
Michaela Ferris Feb 2017
Everyday it seems you're slipping further away,
We're losing touch, you do nothing but push me away
And you don't seem to care at all that I'm fighting for this...
No matter how many times I try,
I just can't break through to you.

If you don't want this anymore then please tell me
'Cause I'm tired of drowning in these tears almost every night.
I'm sick of feeling like I'm fighting a losing battle
Over and over again
And you think saying sorry every time is going to work!

Tell me why you never seem to have the time anymore,
Tell me if this is even worth the fight?
I'm sick of feeling like I'm the only one trying in this.
I feel lonelier each time even though
It's supposed to be me and you!

If you're going to make me feel lonely
Please tell me you don't want me anymore,
Because I would rather be lonely alone
Then feel like I'm in this all alone.
Won't you please just talk to me again...?
869 · Feb 2018
I don't have a choice
Michaela Ferris Feb 2018
I'm starting to believe
That I don't have a choice,
Living in a world where I don't have a voice.
So I'll build up my defence;
Running away from a world
Where you know you'll end up alone.

Now I am going,
Imagining the biggest adventure unknown.
Wondering how to make it home to the clouds.
Now I am wanting to grow,
Trapped in a world that's so undecided and cold.

The world could be your playground,
Just listen to the child inside calling your name;
She's lost and so scared.
So let down your defences.
Stop running away; maybe disappear for a little while.
Just take your time to find the reasons.

Just give me time,
I'm the worst and deciding my choices.
Wondering if I can find a reason to carry on.
I feel like I don't belong here,
No longer wanting to stay trapped inside my own dark mind.

Now I will be going.
859 · Mar 2014
Im done trying
Michaela Ferris Mar 2014
Sick of being beaten down
By people who say they care,
They don't really give a sh*t
As long as they don't see
The damage that it truly does.

I never did anything to you,
This is all becoming too much.
Why act like you can't, when you can?
Now I receive the grief.

Nobody gives one about others,
They don't care how you hurt
As long as they get what they want
Everybody else can go to hell.

If you thought I was hurt before
Take one last look now!
I'm torn and broken, I've stopped believing.
I'm done trying to be people's friends.
Michaela Ferris Mar 2017
A long day of forced, faked smiles
But you can't see behind a computer screen...
Just my bitter words.

Words I've now said
Which could lay us to rest
Because I can't say I'm feeling insecure,
Just in a bad place.

Breaking down on either end.
Distance holding us back from those three words
Which I've never said to anyone but you.
Now what do I regret?

Why does this always get the better of me?
Tear me down till I lose everything I've ever held close
Because "you're a worthless failure" haunts me,
Tortures me till I stop in my tracks...
Numb... because I can't say I'm really not okay!
Michaela Ferris Apr 2016
Who am I to ask you for the time of day?
When you look at me as if I am a wall of grey.
My insecurities are fuelled by that devastating look in your eyes
That rips my very being from existents.
For you see, I am not like you
I am the nothingness that creeps inside your head
And haunts your once pleasant dreams
Until you plead for death to take you in its icy grip.

Who am I to ask if you will stay by my side?
For I am one of those many lost souls
And my abandonment issues how I wish to blame you.
You deserted me but I know I am the one to blame.
For you see my mind does not work like yours
It corrupts even the purest of thoughts
Impales them with the purest of impurities
Suffocating them like the vines around the necks of the flowers.

Who am I to ask if love is a shout into the void?
I still tear out my heart with my bare hands.
I am lost inside a world where no one can see the truth
It’s always them, it’s always suffer you sufferings in silence.
For you see they do not understand what it’s like
To be lost inside your own rotting head
Scared of the monsters under your bed, now they are inside your head.
No one cares if you ended up dead.

So please answer me, who am I to ask for your hand?
When you do not see me they way you should.
You see a feeble, weak, broken girl
Who’s too far gone to be saved.
For you see I am none of your concern
But that is where you are wrong.
I am a mother, a daughter, a farther, a son, a friend, family
I am everywhere, so please don’t turn your back on me!
799 · Apr 2016
Love is my biggest failure!
Michaela Ferris Apr 2016
You see I've never been good at this whole love thing.
Not to you
Nor to me.

Love is but a torturers way of tearing you apart.
I will never say those words,
I will never feel their meanings.

I will build these walls up around my heart
In order for mw not to feel
In order for me to forget.

I'm nothing more than a failure in the love department.
I can't love my family,
I can't love my friends.

You see to me love is a shout into the black abyss...
So dark and unbecoming
Is a four letter word really worth all the pain?
Michaela Ferris Jun 2014
Don't tell me you know who I am,
Don't tell me you know what I do
I'm not the one you can play with
I need to know what's real.

Don't make out you can't do this,
Don't make out its never enough for you
I'm going to tell you one time only
I can't get over everything you do...

You're like a rush,
you give me butterflies.
You're so special to me,
There's no words to explain it.
I don't know what this feeling is
But I don't want it to go.

Don't treat me so differently
Don't treat me like I never understand.
I'm going to be by your side till you say go,
I'm going to be here no matter what comes our way.

Don't make out I will never get this
Don't pretend like I'm over all my problems.
I've got this funny feeling inside of me
It's leaving me so confused, what should I do?

You're one in a milliom,
you can bring out the best in me.
I don't want to lose you at all
There's no words to explain how you make me feel.
What is this feeling I feel?
How do I know what to do?
Michaela Ferris Apr 2016
I don't understand how one person can:
Send my heart into overdrive,
Make my stomach do backflips,
Lift me into an everlasting happiness.

I'm not quite sure how:
Your eyes are like gateways to a place I've been longing to find,
Your touch is as magical as the childhood dreams I once had,
Your kiss is as powerful as an army defending their home.

What are these feelings I seem to possess?
I don't quite understand what you do to me,
This grip you have that sweeps me off my feet
And leaves me feeling as if I am unbreakable.

What are these feelings I have when I'm lost in time with you?
754 · Aug 2016
If you're going to leave
Michaela Ferris Aug 2016
If you're going to leave then just go,
Please don't speak just walk away.
I can feel the emptiness deep inside
But when you're by my side I feel butterflies.

If you're going to leave then tell me now
Please make it quick so you don't see me cry.
I can feel my world being split in two,
Is there anything left that I can do?

If you're going to leave please do it now,
I'm so scares this is the end.
I don't what I would do without you,
So please make it quick and don't say goodbye!
750 · Mar 2014
Untameable beast
Michaela Ferris Mar 2014
I'm an untameable beast,
So ferocious and vile.
I will burn you with my wicked stare.
I've changed into and evil monster,
There's no going back.
This fiery temper consumes
The now faded light of life.
747 · Jan 2014
If only
Michaela Ferris Jan 2014
If only you could see my tears
I cry each and every day.
If only you could hear my voice
Screaming for someone to help me.
If only you could feel my pain
That I've buried somewhere inside.
If only you knew how it feels to want something
Want to give up your life so bad.
If only you could see through my disguise
Which I use so often around society.
If only you could see the scars on my wrists
The ones that are made every night.
If only you took the time to see
That I'm not the strong one anymore.
If only you saw my demons inside
Then maybe you would attempt to understand.
723 · Oct 2013
Be strong my dear
Michaela Ferris Oct 2013
Shattered glass
Broken promises.
Filthy lies cover you.
Scratches up and
Scratches down.
Painful fears behind painful tears.

Popular people
Put you down.
Laugh and  joke
Behind your back.
Scratches that cover.
Scratched that hide the pain away.

Your mask is your wall
You use it all day.
Hiding real tears
while fake smiles get I'm the way.
Black makeup running down your face
As the true emotions come spilling out.

I know that I sound crazy
But it's happened once before.
To all you girls and boys
Who never quite fit in.
But remember you a're different
And that's something you should cherish.

Be strong my dear and hold on.
It's never right to bleed.
720 · Dec 2013
This is all I am
Michaela Ferris Dec 2013
I feel like...
Nobody understand
Nobody cares
Nobody wants me
Nobody needs me
Nobody sees me
Nobody hears
Nobody gets me.

I feel like...
An outcast
A shadow
A ghost
A nobody
A waste of space

This is all I am
720 · Feb 2017
For you...
Michaela Ferris Feb 2017
If someone gave me the chance to change how my life went,
With so many times I wish to forget,
I honestly don’t think I would
Because heaven knows if I would have met you.

Can we just escape and forget this world?
Maybe just tonight or only in my head,
I’ll meet you where the waves hit the shore
And kiss you underneath the light of a thousand stars.
Would you please stay with me in a dream world for tonight
And just say that you won’t disappear when I awake?

If I had the chance to make this distance between us shorter,
I don’t know if I would take that chance just yet
I don’t think I would
Because it’s made me treasure my time with you so much more.

I wish I could tell you how you make me feel;
As if I’ve finally found somewhere I can belong.
I wish I could tell you that you mean the world to me
And that I only will ever want you.
If I tried to be so honest with my feelings towards you,
Could you promise not to turn the other way?

If I had the chance to take all your worries away,
Even if that meant letting you go,
I think I would
Because I would rather you be happy, even if that is you better off without me.

So I’ll tell you that you always make my heart race,
You always manage to brighten up my darkest days.
I miss you more each time we’re apart
So look forward to the next time I can be with you.
If I could tell you the truth to your face instead of hiding,
I would tell you that I love you more than anything and feel so lucky just to have you in my life.
715 · Mar 2014
Losing you to a voice
Michaela Ferris Mar 2014
This voice inside your head
Torments you and tells you things untrue.
This voice you hear inside
Talks with you and tells you lies.
This voice I know you hear so clear
Is pulling you away from me.
This voice you say is apart of you
Is pulling you away from me.
This voice that is taking control
Is ripping you away from reality.
This voice you choose over me
Is rejecting the promises you made.
This voice which is your enemy
Is becoming your only companion.
This voice which you say is company
Is scaring me and I'm losing you.
This voice which gives you ideas
Is taking over... Will I still have you tomorrow?
707 · Jun 2014
Mothers (so called) love
Michaela Ferris Jun 2014
"It always has to be about you,
Don't you ever think of anyone else?
You're so selfish, you're so stupid.
I've got to do this all again next year."

I'm the eldest child and growing up fast
University soon and you won't help.
You taunt and mock me
Tell me I can't make it,
Now you don't even want me to go but threaten me if I don't.

Struggling to find a way to manage my time,
School, cadets, open days, all the musts.
You tell me you won't help me get there,
I'll just go on my own that's fine.
But no I'm too selfish to be worth your time.

I'm not worth your time I know,
You often tell me that enough.
I'm selfish and don't realise you have other kids you say
I do realise that but I need your support too.
I'm not as strong as you presume I am.

"It always has to be about you,
Don't you ever think of anyone else?
You're so selfish, you're so stupid.
I've got to do this all again next year."
Michaela Ferris Sep 2015
These words that stay trapped inside my head
As I gnaw at my tongue
Preventing the painfully true "I think I love you" from escaping.
My fears of rejection causing palpations of my heart
Rippling through my veins
Tearing at my lungs
Until I wish to force a knife through my throat.
My thoughts walk through my mind with a killing smile
Sensing discordant anxiety roaring through my chest
Until I am a quivering shadow of emptiness.
What is my purpose in this god forsaken, cruel world?
Within my head, thoughts of suicide echo off the once joyful now turned to black memoires
Of the times I could truly smile.
It's not that I want to die
Its just that my depression eats at my body
Destroying me from the inaide
Until now I can no longer take it and suicide...
Yes! Dreaded suicide has become my only other option
As I no longer can see myself living this intoxicated lidfe
Which drains the heart and soul out of me.
For you see I am a mere human who has lost herself to the bitterness
And your sympathy and words of "its not your fault" make me believe otherwise.
I'm already dead!
Trapped in a shadowy figure of a girl you all think you know.
Beaten down until the point of unbearable decision and pain.
Suicide is my only option.
Its not that I wanted to die, but I can no longer live!
Michaela Ferris Mar 2017
Like a glass falling
I will shatter into a thousand tiny shards,
Cutting and grazing the skin I hate most.

Like the time we cast away,
I too will disappear and fade away.
No one noticing that it could have been worth something...

Like the ocean on a stormy night
My ship sets sail into the dark abyss
And I pray I do not return from this journey.

Like the mountains that crumble, the ground that trembles,
I am just as unstable...
Do not tell me your lies...

Just like this world, I will die out from hate...
Michaela Ferris Aug 2016
You don't know what I've been through
To wined up here.
The constant words hurled in my direction
Now all I do is run,
And when the night falls and all I want is you,
We start the fighting just like my mum and dad would do.

All the times they promised I would be okay,
Turned into empty words so I would feel safe.
But their words you see meant nothing at all,
As his fists would fly just as much as words.
I know you would never lay a hand on me, like they did
But I cant stop the fear that I'm too far gone foe you to stay.

I go down the same road everytime,
Lost in a river of painful memories
And I know its weak to be so scared all the time
But these things they hurt me and broke me down.
How I wish I could just be honest with you,
I'd love to tell you the truth of what I've been through.
654 · Oct 2013
This is the true me
Michaela Ferris Oct 2013
You told me this all before
They say it all again
but they never understand
Deep down I know the truth
But things happen and its not me.
I'm lost somewhere I sure
And I can't make my mistake.

I'm trapped in a room
With no Windows or doors.
I'm trapped in a box
With no keys but a lock.
I'm tortured inside
With no cure to be found.
It's not me who is showing.

When the darkness takes over
The real me is lost.
I feel a different person inside
I know I've been lost.
It can take days, weeks, months
For my true self to return.
I'm trapped once again.

I often think about myself,
That I'm worthless and weak.
I often think I can't make it,
That I'm a terrible person.
I feel like a failure
Often a loser too.
I can't escape from my nightmares.

I cry so often on my sleep,
I cry in front of people
But they cannot see.
I often do not eat
I starve away the pain ,
Instead of cutting
No matter what I hurt.

I want to scream
But no one hears me.
I want to cut
But it makes me feel worse.
I want to cry
but I am afraid of these people.
I never know what to do.

With words I've been betrayed
You tell me that you care
But I won't let you bring me down.
Tell me why it's always me
The one that always feels scared.
You smile when I fear the world
After you promised to be there.

I can't trust people
I'm too scared to let them in.
People tell me to be strong
But they don't know what it's like
To be lost inside your own head
With nowhere to escape
But let the darkness consume me.
641 · Feb 2015
Cinderella kind of magical
Michaela Ferris Feb 2015
I see your smiling face,
The gleam always in your eyes.
I see no flaws with you
Everything is so perfect.
When its been one of those days
You always know exactly what to say
To make it all feel better.

You make me feel loved,
You make me feel beautiful,
You make me feel dance around the room Cinderella kind of magical...
You make me feel special,
Like no one else will ever do
What you do to me...
Michaela Ferris Jan 2020
Life, is a beautiful messed up mystery
It can make you laugh, how it can make you weep.
Somedays you can feel like your floating on air,
others you can be crying staring at the moon,
feeling lost and broken, looking for a way out.

Sometimes you feel like you just can't lose,
other days you want to hit refresh.
But there are times when you know there's so much left.
So when life gets too much,
Never forget the beauty in sunsets, the late night kisses 'till the morning comes.
630 · Jun 2015
Perception of time
Michaela Ferris Jun 2015
Time races by faster then we realise,
Sudden sadness's threaten our very existence.
Trapped inside our fragile states of mind
Where our perfections are never perfections
They are merely fantasies of reality.

Our memories line the midnight skies
Isolated, trapped in a time we once knew.
Drowning in desolate loneliness
For fears much too great to be known...
These fears are yet proof of our perfect imperfections.

Feelings all too human to touch or feel
Break what was once our mind and souls,
Caressing our free nature into ticking time bombs
All too often they take precious lives
For sometimes we fail to see mortal importance.

All too long we have yearned for happy eternities.
Immortality too powerful for us to hold.
We have failed to see our deepest achievement's
Of living in such an evil, hellish land
For you see we are surviving in a world where we should be living!
Michaela Ferris Sep 2015
These words that stay trapped inside my head
As I gnaw at my tongue
Preventing the painfully true "I think I love you" from escaping.
My fears of rejection causing palpations of my heart
Rippling through my veins
Tearing at my lungs
Until I wish to force a knife through my throat.
My thoughts walk through my mind with a killing smile
Sensing discordant anxiety roaring through my chest
Until I am a quivering shadow of emptiness.
What is my purpose in this god forsaken, cruel world?
Within my head, thoughts of suicide echo off the once joyful now turned to black memoires
Of the times I could truly smile.
It's not that I want to die
Its just that my depression eats at my body
Destroying me from the inaide
Until now I can no longer take it and suicide...
Yes! Dreaded suicide has become my only other option
As I no longer can see myself living this intoxicated lidfe
Which drains the heart and soul out of me.
For you see I am a mere human who has lost herself to the bitterness
And your sympathy and words of "its not your fault" make me believe otherwise.
I'm already dead!
Trapped in a shadowy figure of a girl you all think you know.
Beaten down until the point of unbearable decision and pain.
Suicide is my only option.
Its not that I wanted to die, but I can no longer live!
625 · Jun 2014
Stand my ground (?)
Michaela Ferris Jun 2014
I lie threw gritted teeth
None of this ever feels right,
Is this how it's all going to end?
I'll close my eyes and
Cling onto hope but it's
Getting stronger. I've got to face it!
Can I take it?

I'll have to stand my ground
Even if it's all on my own.
I've got to stand up to this
Even if it's fake smiles and
Bitter tears streaming down.
I'll close my eyes and wish I can make it.
Can I take it?

I'm just a scared little girl inside
But I've got to keep fighting.
All you need to know is I'm trying.
Now all of this is everything I have to take,
You will never understand the demons I face.
I'll try not let them bring me down!
Can I take it?

I've stood up and braved it all
So I'll try not reject everyone once again.
I'm still shattered on the inside,
Broken from all the memories.
I'm bleeding out one last time.
I'm just a naive, broken child still!
Can I take it?

Reason clouds my eyes
Reflections of a thousand lies
Never ending, time killing me.
Losing my faith for the last time.
I've lost who I am,
I can't stand and fight anymore.
I can't take it!

I have lost my battle with my demons.
I'm completely broken and empty,
I can't stand and fight.
I can no longer face it all.
I watch my life take a great fall.
I used to be a happy child, now I'm dead inside!
I couldn't take it!
624 · Mar 2017
You promised... broken
Michaela Ferris Mar 2017
You promised...
You broke that promise...
How can I trust again?

The nights were so long.
I was tormented by the bitter cold
Of a man who wanted nothing more than to hurt me!

The nights I couldn't sleep,
Instead I wept with the rain
Causing flooding within my very soul.

The days I thought would be brighter
But instead I was entangled in the thorns
Of the flowers that blossomed wonderfully.

The days I hoped would be safer
But your hand still struck
Shattering a girl as easily as shattering glass...

You promised
The day I was conceived
To protect me!

You promised,
You broke that promise!
How can I trust again?
Michaela Ferris Aug 2016
Slipping...
Slipping away like the tide with the moon.
Drowning in loneliness
And I know that these feelings have just begun.

Hurting...
Hurting over the fact I cannot speak
As my body feels laces with poison;
I'm unable to tell you the truth.

Oh how much I need you right now
As my body is caressed by this never ending depression,
How I long for you to tell me its all okay...
But I am unable to call out your name for the fear of being a burden.

So once again I'm left in the bitterly cold darkness,
All alone.
Unable to ask for your hand
Because I'm too scared of what you may see!
623 · Oct 2013
No-one can stop me
Michaela Ferris Oct 2013
Tangled up in thoughts,
These words circling my head.
blades lay out beside me
Ready for the first cut.

Tangled pieces of my heart
Unable to make amends.
I'm lost for words
And so it seems
I'm out of my witts end.
I'm struggling to face it
I'm struggling to live.
I think I have enough strength
To take this life I live.
I've had enough if misery
The lies the heart ache too
But deep inside I know the truth.
I'm nothing without you.
But people say they understand
Could this really be.
I take this blade, I take this knife
And then I count to 3.
The more blood that is flowing
The easier it seems
To hide away all of my pain
So it will never be seen.
I'm finally going to do it.
I have the courage now.
I'm going to end this life I leave
No one can stop me now.
615 · Nov 2020
You hurt me first...
Michaela Ferris Nov 2020
Why am I always the one to apologise?
Even though you hurt me first...
Said you'd be there,
Then chuck me aside.
So when is it I retaliate,
Push you away so I won't get hurt,
Do you say I'm the one who's hurting you,
But not acknowledge what you did first?
606 · May 2015
A thousand little secrets
Michaela Ferris May 2015
I may smile on the outside
But it's all one big lie.
I'm dying inside
Tearing at my akin
Just so I can feel, even for a second.
You tell me I look fine
But little do you know
That I'm one step off the edge...
Teetering...
Waiting for a reason to stay.
You say I look happy
But I'm not.
I starve to feel worthy,
I cut to feel alive.
I think of suicide as a way of ending this pain.
I don't want to die
But I no longer want to hurt.
So what's that...
I look fine?
Little do you know behind my smile
Lies a thousand little secrets
601 · May 2021
Reliving memories
Michaela Ferris May 2021
Reliving memories of suffocating blankets,
Locked doors and
Raised voices.

Hiding behind doors, baracading ourselves in
Whilst glasses shatter and
Doors slam.

Being ran and shoved into brick walls,
Whilst being told you're a failure
And they wish you were alive.

Reliving memories in my dreams
So I choose to stay awake
Choosing deprivation of sleep over deprivation of sanity.
594 · Feb 2014
One more cut
Michaela Ferris Feb 2014
One more cut I say
This turns into many
Trying to feel something
Worth living for.
One more cut
As I watch the blood
Spiralling like a storm
Just like how I feel.

Blood red memories
My anger and fear...
Its all getting worse
But here is my release
So I say just one more
But that turns into many
Long lost feelings
A reason to know I'm still alive.

Cold metal feelings
Like cold metal nightmare s
Awake me so violently
Shaken and torn.
Icy blast of pain and past
Freeze my heart and mind
To the world so dead around me
But one more cut awakens me.

One more cut that's all I say
One more cut turns to many
Blood running down my arms
Feeling of comfort.
One more cut that's all I'll do
To make me feel alive
But what if one day I go too deep
Is this company worth this risk?
Michaela Ferris Apr 2015
I miss you!
The girl with long flowing hair
As she ran wild and free.

I miss you!
The girls entrancing smile
And faith in everything.

I miss you!
The strong independent girl
Who you thought was brave and collected.

I miss you!
You've been stolen from me
By those monsters in the night.

I miss you!
The girl I used to be
Now lost in the darkness.
580 · Jun 2014
Now I'm a fighter
Michaela Ferris Jun 2014
I have a story which I have never told.
I've been in pain so much longer then you know
But I don't want to dwell on it much longer.
I just hope you know, all this pain you've caused
Has made me stronger then you could ever know.

Now I was a victim,
I'll never let you push me around again.
Now I'm a fighter,
I'll wear my scars without shame.
Now I'm a warrior,
I won't let this break me anymore.
Now I'm a survivor
In more ways then you know.
580 · Feb 2017
Just an option to you
Michaela Ferris Feb 2017
I'm nothing but an option to you,
There are a thousand things you would rather do
Then talk to me in several days,
But then again you don't see that do you?

Its clear to see you're drifting away,
Would rather play a computer game
Then even bother to see if we're okay
But then again, you don't really care.

I thought you cared but clearly not.
You say you're sorry but things always stay the same.
I'm not sure what there is left for me to do
Because I'm tired of fighting for you to show me you care.
Michaela Ferris Mar 2014
Looking out my window all I see is rain
A broken heart lost in this world
And nowhere left to run.
Time is going way too fast,
it’s just hard to make every second last,
Now all I have are these questions spinning in my head.

Why can’t you see I’m not lying?
Why can’t you see that I’m good enough
just being me?
Why can’t you see that I’m changing?
Why is that you never want to see the real me?

What am I supposed to do,
when all I really want is to be with you?

Looking back has never been so hard for me,
way too many memories staring me down.
Just waiting to be found.
I know what I have to do
I have to face my troubles on my own,
I never seem to be rid of these haunting thoughts.

Why can’t you see I’m not lying?
Why can’t you see that I’m good enough
just being me?
Why can’t you see that I’m changing?
Why is it that you never want to see the real me?

How am I supposed to change
when I don’t know who I am anymore?

Looking back over time makes me see the truth
of what I’ve done to hurt you for the last time.
Just wanting things to change.
I no longer know what to do S
hould I just drown in this river of tears?
Should I just let go of this cold, empty world?

Why can’t you see I’m not lying?
Is that it? Is it over for us?
Lies they remain.
Why can’t you see that I’m trying?
Trying to stop this monster from consuming my life!

These tears in our eyes they lie.
These tears show how we have made our mistakes.
This is a song I wrote myself... thinking of writing the music to go with it soon
572 · Sep 2015
A lost voice in the wind
Michaela Ferris Sep 2015
I'm losing my mind
To these voices inside
As they tear apart my sanity.
I have cuts on my wrists
And scars on my hips
From a past I cannot escape from.
I fear every meal time
For thought of gaining weight
And the image that stares back and mocks me.
You see I long for one thing
And that's to bee good enough for me
But my thoughts are so self destructive.
So every night I cry
Curled up on the floor
With my companion in hand
Willing myself not to begin again.
See this would be easier with bottles of pills
And a mind that wasn't always racing.
I'm balanced on the edge
For weeks straight I've only had one thought,
I can do this, I can do this...
I can end this torment and no-one would notice
For I am nothing to so many.
I'm a lost voice on the wind
A shadow that can no longer be seen.
Michaela Ferris Jun 2014
You stare at me from where you lay,
From the darkest corner of my room.
Your porcelain face so fragile, so bleak,
Not so perfectly sculpted.
Cracked all down one side
With your creepy broken eye,
Nothing left but a black hole like hell.

You sit and wait so silently until nightfall,
You stir and come to life.
Mesmerising yet dangerous with a melodic haunting laugh.
Your gaze so intense, your motions so forceful
Beckoning my broken soul to your hell.
Day light comes and your charade starts over,
This seeming nothing more then a dream.

Together we lay down, your tiny hand in mine,
Your icy cold grip, so frightening, so soothing.
Enchanting, entrancing, torturing my mind;
Your broken eyes leading to he'll
Draws my broken heart, mind and soul to you.
The words you spoke to me the last night I live
So captivating, like a deathly glorious spell:

            "Come into the night with me,
              Your scars will bleed but
              No one around you cares.
              Come into the darkness with me,
              Open your eyes upto meet mine
              I'll take you away, miles away
              From everyone you've ever known.
              Come into the night with me,
              I will guide you through this the easy way
              Both of our hearts won't beat any longer.
              No more emptiness inside.
              Open your eyes to this hell we share:
                        Death!!"

You stare at me from where you lay,
From the darkest corner of the room.
Left thinking, should I follow you?
My little porcelain doll.
565 · Feb 2014
Brittle Rose
Michaela Ferris Feb 2014
I've become undone
I've lost myself
To a world of lies and hate
A world where no one cares.
I've become nothing
I've been left for dead
In a world where I've been cut down
An endless aching misery.

I've never been good enough
I'm afraid of breaking for good
I've never learnt to dream or believe
Because I know I'll never belong anywhere.
I cannot see where I'm meant to be
I've been left alone in a world so cold
And I can no longer live,
These nights have been too long.

I feel I cannot carry on
I'm not one of those lucky ones
I can't hold on to this life
When I'm not strong enough.
These violent dreams
Shake me awake and I die.
I wanted to become somebody
But all I am is a wilted brittle rose
Michaela Ferris Nov 2015
Right now its a little too much
Theses thoughts, they haunt my mind
I can't let it all go!

I'm trapped inside this nightmare
His hands roaming,
I'm begging and pleading but it won't stop!

I've decided tonight
I'm done with this pain
Blood dripping from my arms and thoughts of suicide.

I'm trapped and can't escape
Every time I close my eyes
His face and voice are there.

I can feel the touch that makes my stomach churns,
The tears that burn my eyes because they daren't fall.
I'm a failure and can't deal with this anymore.
This is based on something I've been through a few times...
Michaela Ferris Oct 2015
Maybe if I tried to forget you.
Wipe away all our memories,
Then I could close my eyes and get some sleep at night
Breathe and feel okay when you don’t call.
Some nights I look up at the stars
Just so I can feel like I’m next to you.
Each night, it gets harder being here without you
So I shut my eyes and let the tears role down…

Please don’t tell me you’re letting me go!
Please don’t tell me you’re going to be moving on!
Just turn around and walk the other way
Because I can stand another heartbreak.
I can’t stand to see you turn away.

Maybe if I stopped depending on you,
Hide the fact this is hurting me
So you can never see through my tears
Because I’m longing to feel your arms again.
Some nights I wish upon a star
Just so I can be where you are.
Each night, how I pray just to hear from you
So I try to close my heart from these feelings I have of me and you.

Please don’t tell me there’s nothing left here for us!
Please don’t tell me there’s no time left at all!
If it’s the end please turn away
Because I don’t want to hear you say it.
I can’t stand to see this fall apart.
521 · Mar 2014
Better Alone
Michaela Ferris Mar 2014
Sometime it's better to be alone,
This is just one of those times.
So please understand I'm not shutting you out
I just want to be all by myself.
It's better and safer this way.
At least you won't get hurt.
Sometimes it's better to be alone,
This is just one of those times.
521 · Nov 2013
Darkness takes over
Michaela Ferris Nov 2013
I think too much
When the darkness comes.
My mind keeps racing
Thoughts are swirling.
Round and round inside my head
This all happens when the darkness comes.

I deserve all the pain,
The cutting, the bleeding.
I deserve all the hatred
The lies, the blaming.
I deserve every heartache
I deserve the bitter taste of loneliness.

"You're fat and ugly"
"You're a ***** and a slab"
"You're never good enough,
So go die in hell"
"Nobody cares about you're tears"
These voices are haunting.

When I'm in a dark place
I lose who I am.
It's a different girl completely
I'm done with all the pretending.
I'm a selfish ***** with no one
I deserve to suffer and die.

I take a final step
I hold my breath and count
I'm going to take the leap
It's finally the end.
My mind will be put at rest
And I can finally sleep.
505 · Dec 2017
No mans land
Michaela Ferris Dec 2017
I don’t think you’ll ever know,
How it feels to be all alone.
Just holding on to anything,
Just to keep these tears at bay.

My shoulders feel heavy
And my chest is tight.
I just want to make it through the night,
Hoping that you don’t see
I’m fighting not to give it.

I don’t know how I got into this,
Been fighting with myself just to hang on,
I know you can’t see what’s killing me...
But never mind, you’ll never know.

My mind is a battle field.
I’m just stood in no-mans land,
Don’t care if I’m hit.
I won’t open up just in case you run
My mind is a dark place, just shutting down...
505 · Nov 2013
I can't let you go
Michaela Ferris Nov 2013
I'm so scared and worried.
The thought of losing you
Haunts me.
The thought of you not being here
Sends tears down my face.
I love you more than words can say.
You always know just what to say.
I will be lost without you here
Another piece of me gone.
I need you here with me..
I can't cope with you gone.
I love you more than words can say
I just hope you realise
Before you leave me all alone.
My best friend said he wants to give up, this is what I wrote for him to make him realise how much he  means to me...
Michaela Ferris Jun 2022
I was not good enough for that.

Happy to be someone's rebound,
But he that decent guy for them.
Use me to fill some kind of void,
Always taking something you could never give back.
I gave you everything that I had to offer
But you threw me away like yesterday's garbage.
So happy to be a decent guy for everyone else,
But I guess...

I was not good enough for that.
504 · May 2014
I have nothing
Michaela Ferris May 2014
I'm lost inside this emptiness,
No escape, I'm lost and its lonely.
Everything is wrong and broken.
I have nothing left to hold onto anymore.
The light, the passion fades to black.
I'm done with making everyone's life hell.
There's nothing left worth holding onto.
503 · Nov 2020
The Softest Raindrops
Michaela Ferris Nov 2020
The softest raindrops hit my window pane,
They help me feel the peace I long forgot,
Their graceful dances fill my mind with hope
That I'm not alone in this dark fight.
I watch the raindrops tangle into one
And hope that my day will come,
When I can trust someone who's good and true,
Who won't forget what the darkness brings.
Oh I don't want to be alone
So I'll sit and watch the raindrops dance,
A graceful harmony of sorts
Helping me feel a little less alone.
503 · Jun 2014
So many tears
Michaela Ferris Jun 2014
So many tears I'm trying to hold back,
I don't want anyone to see me cry.
Pretend I'm okay and that I'm not hurt
But honestly I no longer feel secure.

So many scars I'm tearing open
Exposing the wounds once again.
Wearing a fake smile I've promised myself
I won't let anyone see me breakdown, this time.

So many questions left unanswered
Maybe it's better off this way.
I've been left torn apart and broken
Maybe I'm better off dead after all.

So many fears I'm trying to ignore,
I don't want to seem so weak or fragile.
Trying to find out where I belong,
I have no chance of succeeding.

So many tears I'm trying to hold back,
I don't want anyone to see me cry.
Pretend I'm okay and that I'm not hurt
But honestly I no longer feel safe or wanted.
Guess I just lost my best friend. I honestly feel completely broken inside and numb... Just want to breakdown but I can't let anyone see me cry.
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