i want to crawl into a hole
and possibly die
but death doesn't come easy
and neither does life
so i just cry
it's raining cold tears
from the midnight sky
the moon has become
my only source of light

deep in the meadow
as all rebirths within in the sun
in the midst of early spring

darkness is descending
and beneath the fallen raindrops
i am the only nonliving thing

I wake up and eat some eggs, a yogurt, and a few slices of melon
in an attempt to change my life
after all it is that or death
I won't hold my breath

It's a beautiful day to head to the mall
with a friend
I really know where this is going

Hmm
I like that shirt
Oops, this store doesn't offer plus size
On to the next..
I really like these jeans..
Forty five dollars for sizes sixteen and up
What a mess!

Since I refuse to let Lane Bryant **** my wallet in the ***
I decide to head to Barnes and Noble instead
I accidentally bumped into a lady and her baby stroller as I walked past and she mumbled
"Fat *****" under her breath
Yes that's what she said
I didn't even turn my head
Because that's what the lady said
and that's what society says
and instead of trying to explain it's just
easier to walk away
it's the self hatred after I dread

So I buy a whole pizza and eat the entire ******* thing
and it is beyond delicious
though the guilt I feel afterwards wasn't worth it
and vomitting that **** up was viscous

Even when I was a little girl I dreamed of being thin
I dreamed of being a model
I dreamed of having a flat tummy
Just to fit in
I didn't like the belly I had
or the fat in my cheeks
I was the only kid in gym that could never climb the rope
and that began a string of anxiety attacks
that would last for weeks

The doctor calls it insulin resistance
which leaves me with the inability to lose weight
but I shouldn't have to explain to anyone my condition
I just shouldn't have to explain
not to mention the ovarian disease that cripples me to my knees
which so happens to be genetic
and mimics the blood of a diabetic
leaving me incurable
a medical mystery
not to mention infertility
so for me
children are just a dream

Although I tell myself
that I am beautiful
and that I am intelligent
and that I am funny
and that I am a hard worker
and that I am successful
and that I am caring
and that I am loving
and that I am daring
and that I am the best **** friend a person could ever have
To a stranger I'm just a "fat *****"
and you know what?
That makes me really ******* sad

Watching someone die in a hospital is not as glamorous as they make it seem in the movies
It is gut wrenching
It is awful
We are medically trained to know exactly whats happening,
making it worse
(Yes it hurts the heart of the nurse)
Watching the body shut down
***** by *****
system by system
Watching someone struggle to walk
an struggle to stand
They can't no longer eat because they have lost ability to swallow
and may still be hungry
A face gone so hollow that at one time was lovely
They struggle so hard to breathe we now put them on oxygen
Sit them upright, and say it's okay
We give them drugs to ease the pain
And now they are blinking and unaware
The eyes wander but there's nobody there
And the gasping for hope is the last function left
And we hold their hands as they take their last breath
And we are left to hand them to the families that don't know what to do

then we go back to the nurse's station because we need to cry too

fighting to forget
but the fight can never end
so the memory always stays
at night when sleep is gone
the mind awakes
i fight for her
she's crying
the girl i met in the street
is the girl i used to be
innocence prevailed
until The Bad Man came
we've all seem him
he's ruined the world
and now we need strength
to rebuild it
will you walk with us
or will you hide behind the lies
with the rest of the cowards
who listens the epidemic doesn't exist
i will take the nightmares
i will relive the memory
if it means she doesn't have to

the girl in the street.

she is your sister
she is your daughter
she is your niece
she is your friend

won't you stop The Bad Man for her?

your lies cut deep as
Samurais embedded much
too far in my soul

i don't even know
who you are in this life any
more than I know foes

makes me sad to know
I have exposed hidden truth
I just can't save you

embodied in the flesh of ghosts
it's an unknown atmosphere
look deep into the eyes of the host
you'll see the devil's here
he lives in me
we talk amongst ourselves in vain
laughing at those around us
too caught up in religion to see the pain
though the world's on fire
it's my soul's desire
to be free again
raging waters beneath the core
from the tears of broken hearted rain
singing a song freedom
engulfed in ash and flames
deep in the pits of this self centered hell
you may hear the sound of my name
it is but the voice of my own throat
screaming to be claimed
in a blackness so dark and deep
this body is just the frame
i gauge out the eyes of the host
so he can take the blame
i curse the heavens for deserting me
for making me insane

it's an unknown atmosphere
being trapped in here

Can a poet be an introvert?
Because an introvert am I.
I am outgoing at times,
but mostly I am shy.

Can a poet hide behind the curtain?
Of all things hidden inside,
I get them out furiously on paper,
but in turn to speak I hide.

Can a poet be imperfect?
In the respect of not all things memorized.
Even so, I love every word I write,
and hope to leave you mesmerized.

Can a poet be I?

Sometimes it's hard to get out of bed in the morning
You know anything can change
You know what is to come
You see what is to be
You already feel the pain
So you turn over as time is still ticking away
In hopes maybe a dream of two can help you stay
In hopes anything can keep you
From facing the reality of today
The fear sets in for tomorrow
You ask God for an answered prayer to borrow
And soon that day has come
You got up and stepped out
And now that day is done
And here you lay once again
Tucked deep in that emotional fear
Because just like that
Today became yesterday
And tomorrow is already here
There is no control of what will be
You can't put a time on tragedy
You can't hide from grief
You can't live on the notion you know it will happen
Don't let death be a thief

Take the sun from the rain
Use wisely the time you've been given
Because there's nothing worse than waking up in the morning
And being afraid of livin'

i cry for words unspoken
i mourn for the loss of certainty
and it hurts the heart of the world;
the lack of accountability
a bridge swaying over troubled waters
like a tightrope in the sky
attempt to walk across with grace
even if i may die

i tried.

look up at the sky
the stars pull you in a trance
the bending of the naked trees
the blowing of the rotten leaves
put my soul at ease
the warmth of the fire
fuel my heart's desire
the fear dissipates into the night
black as ever
and here we lie chained together
i've figured out who you are
you were never far
you kept me alive
but you had to die
and now i know why
my love for the thickness
the depth and the darknes
my constant need to fade away
from the heartless
i still look to you
my ember in the sky

cry no more little one
it's all done
the evil has gone from here
and you can soar
           up
         up
       up
beyond a doubt
into the promised land of
t o m o r r o w
time spaced even enough
b o r r o w
let the river drain your
s o r r o w

be free of the darkness
for the evil has gone from here

as quick as it began
it ended
i left for sure
a blackness unlike the dark
it was a spacious energy of pure
mountain tops overlooking
valleys and rivers and seas
i stood at the edge at the highest point
and breathed in deep
i exhaled
and felt my wings
looking down there wasn't fear
only peace
i sat and smiled
i wasn't alone
but it was me
and i was free

pushed back into my being
with tubes and wires and machines
i heard the rain
i heard the thunder
and knew God let it be
a new day
a new life
a rebirth of all things

you don't know how it feels
the strength it takes
facing each day
each day the sun breaks
through the clouds
is a rainbow
but the storm still rages
and the hurt takes new form
as you open your eyes
you see the light
it burns
pull the shades you're still in pain
a pill can't cure
you put your life
your future
into the hands with the knife
you must be ready
you must be sure
are you ready
i don't know
stop asking if i'm okay
this isn't life
this isn't real
this isn't me

memories
i don't remember
the land is foreign
in my brain
i don't remember where
i'm going
i don't recall what i say
humiliation
close the shades

knocked down a notch
after just i climbed up
the rope
i finally found myself
and now i must let go
swinging, swaying
it isn't safe
but it is life
and i barely hold on
but forcibly
each day breaks
i push myself
through the dark
open the shades
and i go on

am i ready?
how do i feel today?

i am ready to jump
and let it sway

my mother has blue eyes
but I'm still a ******
my mother has blonde hair
but I'm still a ******
my daddy is black as night
but I'm still a *******
my daddy has ***** curls
but I'm still a *******

I call this hash tag the struggle
because to be biracial is nothing
more
because to be biracial is nothing
less
than a struggle
to find who I am
to find who I should be
to find who I'm supposed to be

i really wish they were the same person
i really wish you understood hash tag the struggle
but you don't
and you won't

so stop telling me about my
good hair
and stop telling about my high
yellow skin
and stop telling me my parents have the fever
and stop staring at me when I
walk in
and stop trying to guess which parent is black
and stop trying to guess which parent is spanish

No

I'm not Spanish.

No

I don't speak Spanish.

No

You CANNOT touch my hair

Yes, my nose is in the air
Of course I think I'm the ****
Because I live my life trying to be better than women who are dark skinned ...with something I was born with
...out of my control
Of course I try to flaunt my plush lips around the white girls who get botox
who then become the have nots because I've stolen all the brothas hearts from the city and the boondocks

See you don't even know me
but you think these are my goals

see I call this hash tag the struggle because nobody understands the trouble in being whole
when you're given two halves
that don't match to patch up one soul
and you're born into a ****** up mess still expected to know

and they tell you to ignore them all
be yourself
race should not define you
but I can't even fill out two ******* boxes on a standardized test
because you are only allowed to check ONE to describe you

hash tag
**TheStruggle

walking away doesn't make me a coward in fact it makes me one strong *** *****. and let me tell you what i know about love, it ain't nothing my mama didn't warn me about and here i am ****** up over loving someone just as ****** up as myself. ****. How did i get here? Crying over a situation i walked willingly into.. Crying cause i give my ***** to nothing but heartbreakers and then wonder why my insides are always aching for love, when in reality that's all it ever was (that ache). Even so, i usually give him the benefit of the doubt and feed the cheese to the mouse (did i really just say that?). Aladdin will show me a whole new world and not even really know me, and yet i ask you, my best friend, what our future is and you can't show me.. Life. Life. A sentence i can't seem to handle since its just falling apart.. i can't even get ahead by showing a little heart.. and every struggle and every trial and tribulation and unfair situation while trying to find myself some salvation for the love of something upstairs CAN YOU HEAR ME? While you say YOU SHOULD FEAR ME and i do so i bow down to worship Him (You) and then when my eyes open i am still standing at the same edge of sanity within. **** i saw myself in the mirror fifteen minutes ago and the reflection sealed my fate; maybe i'll just stand here, watch myself deteriorate back into a recognizable state.. back into the ***** that was the center of everyone's hate.. back into the ***** that ran the show and always showed up late. Ha. Yeah. Life. **** it. It's a date.

my mind is constantly going
going and going and going
worried about the day head
and still trapped in yesterday
i'm always dreaming about the future
but hardly do I sleep
even though i walk this earth in a visibly awoken state
subconsciously unknowingly
my sanity is weak
trust a higher power is what they say
but even that we cannot see or touch
who's to say god is real anyway?

walk with me

let me show what it is i speak
because to explain in spoken word is something not of my expertise
so i will paint you a picture in poetry
place yourself in cloth sneakers
standing in the middle of the rain
arms open wide head tilted back
and when the lightening strikes
you'll feel a wave of pain
you see the storm will let up, and you'll see a slight break in the clouds
but you'll never fully see the sun
that's what my life is like now

and in all this going and going and going
i must rest my weary head
while nightmares make the best of bad weather
planting the damnest of seed as slight as a feather

fear
worry
fright
anger
sadness
happiness
delight
sickne­ss
wellness
day
night
grief
loathing
pity
spite
jealousy
hatefuln­ess
weakness
fight
acceptance
willingness
wrong
right

if there's anything you haven't felt
at some moment you will feel
for the mind is a tricky being that may fascinate you into your very own doom
because in your waking life
you won't know what is and isn't real

walk with me

i think about life
i think about death
i think about time i've wasted
i think about time i have left
i think about my future
i think about my past
i think about my happiness
i think how long it may last
i think about god
i think about faith
i think about my love
i think how long will he stay
i think about who i am
i think of who i am to be
i think of my imprisonment
i think of being free
i think of my thoughts
i think of my fears
i think of leaving this place
i think as if i'm still here

who's to say i've succumb to my mind
i am well aware that what i search for
may be something i'll never find

peace

does it truly exist?
or is it a place in our imagination?
a place of harmonic endeavors
a place where our souls may finally
seek self proclamation
a place we may finally rest our hearts
in full adoration and acclamation

what's that you say?
peace?

walk with me

There is no greater comfort
than lying next to the beat of your heart
The breath in your chest
The safety of your presence
With you my soul is calm
With you the monsters can't get me
With you my nightmares become dreams and soundly I sleep
Please, don't ever leave
My big brother you say
My best friend I say
My everything every day
No bond is stronger than the one that binds us together
And we will join spirits and continue to fight off argumentative aggressors
That will never understand
I am not your woman
You are not my man
But that is the beauty of it all; we don't have to explain a **** thing
Not to anyone
We know what we are and what we have and that it's special and that isn't something you can find in everyone
A friendship so true the word does it no justice
Moving beyond friends family blood and boundaries
I thank God I found you
and I thank Him even more that
You found me

mommy loves you unconditionally
even as you soar amongst the clouds
searching for the perfect timing
to come on down
please, forgive my impatience
i just have this undying urge
to have you here
in my arms, clinging to my breast
as i provide you with life
and you provide my breaths

little one, shining so bright
come to me only when you feel it's right
the doctors tell me otherwise
and my womanhood is of questionable might
but i know you are as rightfully my child
just as i am the moon to your night

an infertile mother will forever understand
why so many letters are written to our unborn
with shaken hands
why so many tears have fallen
why you wonder it isn't your calling
to be given a life of other plans

but i know you hear me, little one
and i know you love me too
and i promise to better preserve my body
so that it may be the perfect home for you
until you are ready to bless me with your smile; the uniqueness that is true
everything i do, everything i aim to be,
every dream i work so hard to achieve

i do for you

so please, be slow and easy little one
mommy needs preparation too
just know this,
when you've become tired of waiting;
when you're ready for the world
and you're journey has come to the point of passing through
watch for flashing lights
and smiling faces
and tears of joy
listen for songs of love

because i'll be right there--
for i've been waiting too...

just for you.

Not hanging my head in defeat
just searching to make the water clear
why we will never be
what our hearts' desire
why I must leave my love in the fire
and hope you can forgive me,
my dear

I cry because I love you so
and it is for that very reason I must go
you pull my sleeve and beg me please
don't leave
and while every cell in my body meets resistance
and while I've found what I had been waiting for in all my existence
and while our souls have conjoined amidst such great distance
and with patience and persistence we still found the power within to be

I break your world

and in the name of fear
I flee

with a hand full of heart
and a pocket full of soul
i have found my purpose
so down the road i go
i don't have any money
but the clothes on my back
and a paper with a pen
inside my travel sack
a prayer inside my heart
an idea within my brain
a sadness in the distance
births a coming joyous reign
even if i never make the top
i won't regret i came
you may not recognize my face
but you won't forget my name

even the sonnets of Shakespeare
began to sound the same

gutted like a fish
my innards strewn about
i watch everyone
step over them
in hopes they won't be seen

i salvage what's left of me
unnoticed and unrecognizable
i paint a smile
with two dollar lipstick
to mask the suffering

who could i ask for help
anyway?
the world and the god
know of my despair
but the lights keep
going out during the storm

blindly leading
i don't trust myself
and i won't trust you either
a vicious cycle of misfortune
can change even
the strongest of hearts
to stone

truth is,
i love you for all the wrong reasons;
they billow up in smoke when you smile anyway

and when you touch my skin,
it burns with a heat i long to feel over again

when you're gone,
i miss you;
when you're here i never want you to leave
and when we have to say goodbye,
it does something strange to me

truth is,
i love you for all the wrong reasons,
just keep smiling
so i don't remember what they are

My greatest ally
My worst enemy
My broken heart
My healing soul
Without you I am nothing
With you I may not have anything
I love you
I hate you
For making feel so strong
What I don't want to
So hard to love
More hard to let go

*** stick #1 says positive
#2 from the dollar stores says negative
but #3 from the grocery said positive
and #4 from the general was inconclusive
the #5 from ER was intrusive
#6 from the gas station didn't work
#7 from the immediate care center hurt
so the clinic tells me they don't know for sure
and ultrasounds aren't yet insured
I guess I can wait
If it isn't too late
I feel my belly
guess I'll see when I show
But here comes the blood
it just never will grow

light a candle in the wind
if you dare to take chance
and waltz on the moon
for our very last dance
my prince of the sunrise
my lovely dark knight
you shine brighter than heaven
oh, love what a sight!
your breath on my neck
is a passion of gold
your grasp on my heart
reaches down to my soul
our lives remain questioned
our future is blind
so enclose the tips of your fingers
so deeply in mine
when I look into your eyes
i know i am home
when you speak tongues of life
i know i'm never alone

i'll lay down my life
as your lips kiss my brow
the fire you create
please don't put it out now
this is not a replacement
nor a humble goodbye
but rather preparation
for the difficult times
though we shall not bear witness
to the back of our minds
let us just keep on dancing
until our bodies decline

for even in death,
your heart will always be mine.

the horizon once was promising
the skies once were bright
now a raging sea of pain
i see
a dark and stormy night

the long pause on the monitor
tells me I couldn't save you
the bells have stopped
the IV's come out
the blood is settling
the room is quiet
the family has left
the shroud is stiff
the cart is cold
zip up and close
how sorry
that I couldn't save you

I don't have many words but I can show you exactly how I feel
through hugs
through love
And I may not be the best speaker but I can tell you
through poems
through song
I may not be the finest but I promise you I'll be the best
and I'll be anything and everything you will ever need or want me to be

My love for you is thicker than blood
nobody could ever compare to us
We know where we belong
and yet we wait

it gets lonely sometimes

to be in love is to be totally free
the love is in you
the love is in me
joy reigns upon us as white rapid sea
the sun is in you
the sun is in me
happiness shines like rays ever so bright
the life is in you
the life is in me
even in darkness we find our own light
i am fully in you
you are fully in me

My God
Whom art in Heaven
Hallowed be Your name
Your Kingdom come
and Your will be done
and as I look to the sky
I see your promise written in gold
I see the mountains and valleys
and lakes in between
I see the mansions You have built;
just for me
I see the angels standing at the top of the staircase
welcoming home new souls at the gates only read about in the written word..

and who is this God that has allowed me to see such visions?
The Father of Christ of course
The God of Abraham
the only light which shineth so bright in the darkness that not even the dark itself can comprehend
Man on earth will call me foolish,
but man of God will know what I speak is the truth
and what I've seen is
the way
and what I tell you is
the life

My God
Whom art in Heaven
Hallowed be thy name
thy Kingdom come
Your will be done
on Earth as it is in Heaven
And as I walk this earth my Lord,
help me follow the footsteps of Your son
and help those souls who do not believe
to see what you have shown me
just as I've seen it
until I touch every single one