I feel alone in this world of society
Feeling captivated by what everyone thinks of me
Thinking I have to this or that to fit in
I've come to realize this world is full of sin
Bringing others down
To feel like the alpha wolf
Why do people think it's funny
When others frown?

I don't complain very often
But I hate being lonely

How could I be so selfish
As to take my own life
I didn't think anyone would miss me
But it's clear now
I've got an angel
He's not quite here
But I'm happy
Because he won't let me
Disappear

I refuse to take antidepressants
I refuse to be who I'm not
I'm not a happy person who wants nothing but joy
I am a person of selfhate
That's just me and I'm not going to be a fake

I really hate when my family makes suicide and Selfharm jokes. It really hurts me.... Now I can't stop thinking about hurting myself.........

I'm the white crayon
The third wheel
The odd ball out
I'm the one who has to walk behind when the side walk gets to thin
And I'm the least important friend

3 AM
Knows my deepest thoughts
3 AM
Sees me when I cry
3 AM
Knows that I selfharm
3 AM
Sees me sleepless
3 AM
Knows all about me

I feel alone at night
Feel like I'm losing my fight
I feel weaker by the day
Feel like I'm fading away
I feel like I should die
Without saying goodbye
I don't deserve goodbye's

I stopped eating because I was tired of gaining weight
I stopped weighing myself because I was tired of disappointment

These pain killers
Are just not doing the trick
My head is still hurting
And I still feel sick

Please numb the pain
So I don't feel anymore
Just numb the pain
I don't want to feel any more!!!!

When you fall in love with someone
It's nearly impossible to shake that felling
You know it's time to let go
You can't help but to feel
That maybe
With time
They'll change
So you hold on
To the person you think you know
But you don't anymorre
And you deny it
Tell yourself that it will get better
He will get better
You believe
That he won't hurt you again
But deep inside
You know he will
Because he's done it many times before
And you still held on

I feel broken

My appetite ran away
The other day
I have seen it in awhile

The days go by
You've been drinking every day
I'm trying not to cry
But my life is wasting away
I walk through the school
Trying to keep cool
People stare
But I don't care

Please take time to read this <3

Few people know that I have come close to ending my own life, at least 4 times. At the time that is what I wanted, to die. Mostly because I thought it would take Away the pain and suffering I felt. I never fit in, kids at school would find any reason to make fun of me. When I was eight years old my sister and I were sent to a foster home. I was told on many occasions that my father wanted nothing to do with me. So I became depressed and lived by a label known as emo. One night I felt extremely depressed and I took a razor blade to my wrist. I watched as the blood ran out of the wound I had made and at that moment I realized I was addicted. Not only to cuting but to the feeling I got when I saw my blood. I knew I had a problem, I would cut every night just so I could feel something I could control and that I knew was real. My friends in middle school saw the cuts and tried to get me help but it only made it worse. I was put into therapy but that doesn't help unless you talk, in which I didn't. I didn't feel safe. The foster home my sister and I were living in was not a very good one. The guy was a creep. So we were forced out of that home and got adopted by my uncle. We tried many councilors and therapists but nothing seemed to help.
I eventually got an 18 year old boyfriend and I was only 15. He got me drunk one night and took advantage of me. He stole my innocence, and gave me something else in return. A baby. But that baby died. Know matter how much it hurts I know that baby is better off with out me. I was so young.
To this day, I still think about hurting myself but I am proud. I have gone a little over 4 months with out self harm, and with every day I grow stronger and stronger. So to those who took the time to read this, thank you. And if you are going through the same struggles, find a clear path and stay on it. Doesn't matter if you're an alcoholic, or a druggy, or even a *** addict. The only way to get better is through steps. Start with a week and slowly move up. I believe in you. Every single one.

My wrist aches to be carved and cut
But you tell me not to
And I'm trying so hard
But I'm weaker then before
You say I can be so much more
But you can't see
All I want to be
Is 6ft under
And maybe more

I was afraid
To say hi
To wave
To look in to your eyes
I was afraid
To fall in love
To say I love you
To admit
That I really do love you
But now
I'm afraid to let you go
I'm afraid to look away
Now that you're mine
I'm no longer afraid
To be me
To smile
To laugh
To breathe
You are mine
And I'm happy

You broke my heart
Into a million tiny pieces
But it's okay
Because those pieces are the lightning bugs
That light my path.

I've got to say this right because I've only got one shot
I smile most of the time
But no one knows that it's just a lie
I wear black
the color of my soul
Self confidence is what I lack
My heart is what you stole
And I'll never get it back
What's up with that?

Being suicidal
Doesn't mean you try to take your own life
Sometimes it means
Pushing others away
So you have less of a reason to live
And waking up Evey day
And just saying "**** it"
To everyone who walks your way
Sometimes it means
Eating less so you'll die of starvation
Or not wearing a jacket
So you'll get sick and die
Or not looking both ways
Before crossing the street
Because you don't care if you get hit by a car
Or cutting your wrist so you feel numb
Sometimes it means
Hiding every emotion
Deep down
Until you finally break
Scaring everyone away.